I did too!
TMI: I do procrasturbation quickies to try to reset my brain when I'm overly distracted - the combination of ADD, working from home, and owning a Magic Wand is sometimes a bit dangerous.
The story of Spork.
- Thread starter Spork
- Start date
I did too!
TMI: I do procrasturbation quickies to try to reset my brain when I'm overly distracted - the combination of ADD, working from home, and owning a Magic Wand is sometimes a bit dangerous.
IndieSolo
Active member
Oh, me too. Really loudly! Thanks for that! I love it and will totally steal it!
Spork
Active member
I did say, "I wish I could see it!" and he said he could take a picture. But at the parties, you have to inform a dungeon monitor of intent to photograph, and make sure everyone else is out of frame. So he went to find a DM to do this, and when he came back, there were new folks there at the table asking questions, and he talked to them, and I really don't know if he took the picture. I think he got distracted. I most certainly wasn't going to lift my head from the table to see what was going on, since I had a lit votive candle or two stuck to my back in wax...didn't want my hair to accidentally go up!
Another bit of wax trivia if anyone is interested, is that those "Jesus candles"...they work quite well for wax play. The Aussie has experimented with lots of different kinds, and he says those are among the best. For some reason, coloring agents can affect wax temperature, and blue is usually the hottest. He said I "took the blue like a champ." lol! But different people have different thresholds. A pour of a significant amount of melted wax is easier to tolerate (in my opinion) than a steady ~drip, drip, drip~ from a taper. That actually kind of stings. A pour is rapidly hot, warm, ahhhh...comfy. He likes to put lit votives on the back as I described and wait for them to melt a crater in the candle, and then when there's a pool of wax in there, he'll tickle his subject and make them jump or wiggle, which will cause the wax to run.
One thing I've seen but not done, is black light waxing with neon candles. The pictures I've seen of that are AMAZING!
I'm glad ya'll liked "procrasturbation."
It's very appropriate for me because I tend to get the urge to "ring the devil's doorbell" when I'm trying to do my coursework, it's like there's something about reading boring accounting junk, trying to write papers, or otherwise attempting to do responsible stuff I'd rather not be doing, that makes my brain look for distractions. And sex thoughts are always a convenient distraction.Some other fun euphamisms I've heard somewhere or other along the way, for a lady's "time of the month"...you've probably heard "shark week" but there was one from some northern European nation that translated to "The Communists are in the Funhouse." as a way to tell someone you're on your period. That cracked me right up! I use that one now.
Spork
Active member
So I feel like we've got a little dysfunction smoldering in the polycule. Near as I can tell, it centers mostly around Analyst. He lives clear out in the middle of nowhere, and we all acknowledge that this is the first issue...but there is more to it than just that (although the fact has become a very convenient scapegoat for our issues.)
He says he wants sex and isn't getting enough (which is reasonably true given the facts of the situation.) But when the opportunity arises, it's like...he doesn't put any energy into sparking any momentum in that direction, at all. One time, months ago I was at his house. We were watching some Game of Thrones, which I recently got into and he's been into for a while. We're on the couch, and I've been trying to snuggle into him, and warm up the contact, and he's just sitting there like a lump. So between streaming episodes, while one was loading, I actually moved over onto his lap, straddling and facing him and gave him some smooches. He said something to the effect of "I thought you wanted to watch this." Something that...while not rude, had the vibe and feel of a "not now" to me. So I got off of him and went back to sitting next to him watching the show.
Well, it got late and he told me he was tired and we just went on to sleep.
In the morning, I wake up (as usual) way before he does, and for at least an hour I was lying there awake, spooned into him...I was in the mood, but feeling slightly rejected from the night before. I made a few motions against him and he'd stir just a bit, maybe push against me, hold me closer...but then back to snoozing. Finally, given that the day was going by and it was like 10AM or something, I just got up and put my clothes on, got ready to leave.
I was frustrated. I didn't know what the heck was the deal and I didn't have the words to ask. I was just going to leave. I went out back and smoked a cigarette, and he got up a bit after I did and made coffee, and just before I left, he got a hold of me and tossed me a quickie bent over the couch. "I wasn't going to let you leave without any sexytime at all!" something like that.
Well, I love him and I think he loves me, too. We have amazing conversations and intellectual connections that are extremely fulfilling. He has done very generous things for me, too...which makes me a smidge uncomfortable, I feel I will need to pay him back materially to balance those scales. But when it comes to sex, it's like we have a hell of a time just getting that kettle to sing. And then he'll complain that we don't do it enough. Which we don't...and granted, life often does get in the way...but I feel like when the opportunity arises, his interest just isn't all that great in making things happen. I would say that maybe I should be pursuing a bit more aggressively, that perhaps he doesn't feel wanted, but my heart and mind go straight back to that night on the couch when I crawled on his lap and felt rebuffed...and something inside me shrinks and feels like I just have to wait for him to put some energy in.
It was some consolation to me that he also had sexual access to Fire, but apparently they are having some issues now, too. And I guess they tried to talk about it last weekend and had some tension, he was actually afraid that we were gonna "vote him out of the polycule" or some nonsense. I had to tell him I got no hint at all of that, that I love him and I get the sense Fire does, too. She wanted to talk to me later that night about communication styles, and I think they are both feeling some frustration...but that doesn't mean it's over!
Thing is...we have such beautiful and wonderful energy as a sort of friend-family. We do these activities together and it's the best, just absolutely the best times ever. But I don't think that the others...Analyst in particular...would be happy at all with a classification of "just" friends. They want the sex partners aspect of it all, and yet we seem to be hitting a little rough terrain in that respect. I hope we're able to sort it out soon.
He says he wants sex and isn't getting enough (which is reasonably true given the facts of the situation.) But when the opportunity arises, it's like...he doesn't put any energy into sparking any momentum in that direction, at all. One time, months ago I was at his house. We were watching some Game of Thrones, which I recently got into and he's been into for a while. We're on the couch, and I've been trying to snuggle into him, and warm up the contact, and he's just sitting there like a lump. So between streaming episodes, while one was loading, I actually moved over onto his lap, straddling and facing him and gave him some smooches. He said something to the effect of "I thought you wanted to watch this." Something that...while not rude, had the vibe and feel of a "not now" to me. So I got off of him and went back to sitting next to him watching the show.
Well, it got late and he told me he was tired and we just went on to sleep.
In the morning, I wake up (as usual) way before he does, and for at least an hour I was lying there awake, spooned into him...I was in the mood, but feeling slightly rejected from the night before. I made a few motions against him and he'd stir just a bit, maybe push against me, hold me closer...but then back to snoozing. Finally, given that the day was going by and it was like 10AM or something, I just got up and put my clothes on, got ready to leave.
I was frustrated. I didn't know what the heck was the deal and I didn't have the words to ask. I was just going to leave. I went out back and smoked a cigarette, and he got up a bit after I did and made coffee, and just before I left, he got a hold of me and tossed me a quickie bent over the couch. "I wasn't going to let you leave without any sexytime at all!" something like that.
Well, I love him and I think he loves me, too. We have amazing conversations and intellectual connections that are extremely fulfilling. He has done very generous things for me, too...which makes me a smidge uncomfortable, I feel I will need to pay him back materially to balance those scales. But when it comes to sex, it's like we have a hell of a time just getting that kettle to sing. And then he'll complain that we don't do it enough. Which we don't...and granted, life often does get in the way...but I feel like when the opportunity arises, his interest just isn't all that great in making things happen. I would say that maybe I should be pursuing a bit more aggressively, that perhaps he doesn't feel wanted, but my heart and mind go straight back to that night on the couch when I crawled on his lap and felt rebuffed...and something inside me shrinks and feels like I just have to wait for him to put some energy in.
It was some consolation to me that he also had sexual access to Fire, but apparently they are having some issues now, too. And I guess they tried to talk about it last weekend and had some tension, he was actually afraid that we were gonna "vote him out of the polycule" or some nonsense. I had to tell him I got no hint at all of that, that I love him and I get the sense Fire does, too. She wanted to talk to me later that night about communication styles, and I think they are both feeling some frustration...but that doesn't mean it's over!
Thing is...we have such beautiful and wonderful energy as a sort of friend-family. We do these activities together and it's the best, just absolutely the best times ever. But I don't think that the others...Analyst in particular...would be happy at all with a classification of "just" friends. They want the sex partners aspect of it all, and yet we seem to be hitting a little rough terrain in that respect. I hope we're able to sort it out soon.
Spork
Active member
I was thinking about the poly discussion group, it meets in a week, and unless I'm remembering wrong the topic is...*sigh*...jealousy.
Everybody says we need to talk about that. Most say they struggle with it.
Most of the time, I don't. If I'm feeling anything like jealousy, it's an indicator that the relationship is profoundly flawed and will be ending soon. And it's not jealousy of a partner's partner. It's the feeling that I'm losing them, and it must be because I'm not good enough, I'm not what they want, someone else is a better match for their idea of a good partner. It's usually after I've fallen into a bonfire of my own obsessive and intense emotions for somebody (a thing that absolutely does NOT happen with every partner, and I'd be hard pressed to identify why it strikes where it does.)
Actually. Putting down the names of everyone I had bonfire for, and figuring out what they all had in common, might help me psychoanalyze myself as to what the bad habit is there. But it never works out with the bonfire boys. Never. And I always feel hurt as hell, and jealous of any and every other thing they've chosen in life instead of me.
The things I've told myself during these wallows, which I can examine today in an analytical way, with a cool head and calm heart...
"Your feelings are repulsive."
"Your love is disgusting."
Or more commonly, a diatribe...
"You're all wrong. Your body is hopeless. Small boobs, flat butt. All jacked up from having kids. Look at all the subs in happy relationships with their Doms, look how they are built. They are plump and rosy. They are feminine. You couldn't be feminine if you tried. You're too bony and snarky and nerdy. If men wanted that, they'd date a guy from their D&D group. Men want girly women who are all flowers and shy smiles. And because you can't do that, you can't get a man who is strong and will let you be weak. All you'll ever get are the ones who expect you to be strong all the time, and you'll always let them down. Because you're not...not really. But you can't show that vulnerability. You can't. You haven't earned it, you're not woman enough for it, with your clumsiness, and your face that no amount of makeup can make beautiful. Your strength is all an act, but it's the only act you know. Just don't ever let them see you cry. You are so ugly when you cry. Maybe if you tried harder to pretend you're someone and something that you can never really be, maybe you can trick them into liking you. But it will be a lie. It will always be a lie. No one really likes you, every barely-heard conversation is them talking about how horrible you are. Your friends only liked you when you had money to spend on them. How are you going to keep anyone around now that you don't? Even your children only love you for what you can do for them. Who in the hell do you think you're fooling?"
Where do we get these voices?
See, this is what jealousy means to me. It's not focused on another person at all, it's the feeling that drags out my worst inflictions of pain on myself. I can drive myself right "down the well" with this voice if I let it speak. It's my response to rejection, plain and simple, or the feeling thereof. If one relationship is failing, then none of them can be good, because it's about me.
I have to actually work to talk myself out of this and convince myself that it ISN'T all about me. I'm not sure what that says about my personality.
I'm not feeling any of this today. I'm just thinking about it. I will deliberately not read this post again if I'm feeling even questionable, emotionally, because I do my best to avoid triggering the bad thoughts. I'm really strong and good and happy today because I went home last night and got a ton of work done unpacking and decorating my apartment, and it looks so amazing and I'm so happy to have my own place. So today I can think about this and wonder. Next week at group, who knows? I might have to couch it all in ambiguity, or not talk about any of it at all.
But I get the strongest feeling that this is nothing at all like the way in which most people experience jealousy. I've posted about that before. I hear so many people talk about being just basically possessive of their loved one, and I don't understand it. Compersion (as I understand it) comes a lot more naturally and easily to me than jealousy (as I've heard it explained.)
Everybody says we need to talk about that. Most say they struggle with it.
Most of the time, I don't. If I'm feeling anything like jealousy, it's an indicator that the relationship is profoundly flawed and will be ending soon. And it's not jealousy of a partner's partner. It's the feeling that I'm losing them, and it must be because I'm not good enough, I'm not what they want, someone else is a better match for their idea of a good partner. It's usually after I've fallen into a bonfire of my own obsessive and intense emotions for somebody (a thing that absolutely does NOT happen with every partner, and I'd be hard pressed to identify why it strikes where it does.)
Actually. Putting down the names of everyone I had bonfire for, and figuring out what they all had in common, might help me psychoanalyze myself as to what the bad habit is there. But it never works out with the bonfire boys. Never. And I always feel hurt as hell, and jealous of any and every other thing they've chosen in life instead of me.
The things I've told myself during these wallows, which I can examine today in an analytical way, with a cool head and calm heart...
"Your feelings are repulsive."
"Your love is disgusting."
Or more commonly, a diatribe...
"You're all wrong. Your body is hopeless. Small boobs, flat butt. All jacked up from having kids. Look at all the subs in happy relationships with their Doms, look how they are built. They are plump and rosy. They are feminine. You couldn't be feminine if you tried. You're too bony and snarky and nerdy. If men wanted that, they'd date a guy from their D&D group. Men want girly women who are all flowers and shy smiles. And because you can't do that, you can't get a man who is strong and will let you be weak. All you'll ever get are the ones who expect you to be strong all the time, and you'll always let them down. Because you're not...not really. But you can't show that vulnerability. You can't. You haven't earned it, you're not woman enough for it, with your clumsiness, and your face that no amount of makeup can make beautiful. Your strength is all an act, but it's the only act you know. Just don't ever let them see you cry. You are so ugly when you cry. Maybe if you tried harder to pretend you're someone and something that you can never really be, maybe you can trick them into liking you. But it will be a lie. It will always be a lie. No one really likes you, every barely-heard conversation is them talking about how horrible you are. Your friends only liked you when you had money to spend on them. How are you going to keep anyone around now that you don't? Even your children only love you for what you can do for them. Who in the hell do you think you're fooling?"
Where do we get these voices?
See, this is what jealousy means to me. It's not focused on another person at all, it's the feeling that drags out my worst inflictions of pain on myself. I can drive myself right "down the well" with this voice if I let it speak. It's my response to rejection, plain and simple, or the feeling thereof. If one relationship is failing, then none of them can be good, because it's about me.
I have to actually work to talk myself out of this and convince myself that it ISN'T all about me. I'm not sure what that says about my personality.
I'm not feeling any of this today. I'm just thinking about it. I will deliberately not read this post again if I'm feeling even questionable, emotionally, because I do my best to avoid triggering the bad thoughts. I'm really strong and good and happy today because I went home last night and got a ton of work done unpacking and decorating my apartment, and it looks so amazing and I'm so happy to have my own place. So today I can think about this and wonder. Next week at group, who knows? I might have to couch it all in ambiguity, or not talk about any of it at all.
But I get the strongest feeling that this is nothing at all like the way in which most people experience jealousy. I've posted about that before. I hear so many people talk about being just basically possessive of their loved one, and I don't understand it. Compersion (as I understand it) comes a lot more naturally and easily to me than jealousy (as I've heard it explained.)
Spork
Active member
I went through my list, interestingly out of 45 intimate partners in my lifetime thus far I have felt "bonfire" feelings for only about 5 of them. By no means does this mean that the others weren't great or that I regret them or anything. I'm just talking about that obsessive and slightly crazymaking kind of NRE that is so overwhelming.
Interestingly they were, by and large, damaged and emotionally unavailable men just looking for a good time, and for some reason I thought I could treat them better than anyone else ever did, give them greater insight and understanding than anyone else would, and win their appreciation and love. Clearly it did not work out with any of them. I'll have to watch out for this set of traits and processes in my future.
It's also worth noting, that in a sense the opposite has been true...those for whom I've been in the cooler emotional spectrum, ranging from "whatever, I don't have any better prospects right now" to actual lack of respect or even contempt, have often in my past become very attached to me and I ended up breaking their hearts. This is why I have considered this a pattern. The only variable was which position was occupied by which partner in the equation.
It is useful to visit my own opinions of many of those in the second category. Did I have a lack of spark because I was repulsed by their feelings? No. Because there was anything wrong with them? No. Was it in any way anything that made them inferior human beings or that they should feel bad about? No. What was it, I don't really know. But in the sense of "we like what we like" I do feel that I've got an entitlement to not fall head over heels for every partner who would like me to.
Which means that I must apply the same logic to myself and the partners in that first category. And "he's just not that into you" doesn't mean I am any less deserving of love.
This is of course obvious on an intellectual level. It's just a harder lesson for the heart to learn. Which is why I'm here, now, doing this little exercise, because at the present time I'm in a very safe place...so it's a good time to pull out the puzzles that have had a chance to become cool and inert, to grab a screwdriver and start picking them apart and trying to find the bits of wisdom inside. So that the next time I might see danger before it really gets a chance to burn me, or at least have a healthier process to get past it if it does.
....................
I've had a very, VERY productive couple of days. On Monday I went on my lunch break and completely emptied my storage unit into my van. Then when I got home, I unloaded all of that (enough boxes to fill up my living room and dining room, mind you) and I unpacked it ALL except for a small stack that goes into my son's room. I put everything away where it belongs, I broke down and stored the boxes. Yesterday I went on my lunch and after work, and hung things on walls. With the exception of a small stash of items I still need to find frames for, I now have the decorating done. Now I just need to overhaul my kid's room and get it set up nice and put everything that we're not keeping out in the place, into the storage unit, and I'll be done with these big projects and able to relax.
I've also managed to completely keep on top of basic housekeeping tasks like the dishes and such, while kicking all this ass in all these other ways. So I'm feeling pretty darn awesomesauce.
Today is my lunch with Zen and then Q's counseling later on tonight...so today I won't have as much time to work on the apartment...but that's ok. I'm still looking forward to checking out and using the amenities like the hot tub, too.
Interestingly they were, by and large, damaged and emotionally unavailable men just looking for a good time, and for some reason I thought I could treat them better than anyone else ever did, give them greater insight and understanding than anyone else would, and win their appreciation and love. Clearly it did not work out with any of them. I'll have to watch out for this set of traits and processes in my future.
It's also worth noting, that in a sense the opposite has been true...those for whom I've been in the cooler emotional spectrum, ranging from "whatever, I don't have any better prospects right now" to actual lack of respect or even contempt, have often in my past become very attached to me and I ended up breaking their hearts. This is why I have considered this a pattern. The only variable was which position was occupied by which partner in the equation.
It is useful to visit my own opinions of many of those in the second category. Did I have a lack of spark because I was repulsed by their feelings? No. Because there was anything wrong with them? No. Was it in any way anything that made them inferior human beings or that they should feel bad about? No. What was it, I don't really know. But in the sense of "we like what we like" I do feel that I've got an entitlement to not fall head over heels for every partner who would like me to.
Which means that I must apply the same logic to myself and the partners in that first category. And "he's just not that into you" doesn't mean I am any less deserving of love.
This is of course obvious on an intellectual level. It's just a harder lesson for the heart to learn. Which is why I'm here, now, doing this little exercise, because at the present time I'm in a very safe place...so it's a good time to pull out the puzzles that have had a chance to become cool and inert, to grab a screwdriver and start picking them apart and trying to find the bits of wisdom inside. So that the next time I might see danger before it really gets a chance to burn me, or at least have a healthier process to get past it if it does.
....................
I've had a very, VERY productive couple of days. On Monday I went on my lunch break and completely emptied my storage unit into my van. Then when I got home, I unloaded all of that (enough boxes to fill up my living room and dining room, mind you) and I unpacked it ALL except for a small stack that goes into my son's room. I put everything away where it belongs, I broke down and stored the boxes. Yesterday I went on my lunch and after work, and hung things on walls. With the exception of a small stash of items I still need to find frames for, I now have the decorating done. Now I just need to overhaul my kid's room and get it set up nice and put everything that we're not keeping out in the place, into the storage unit, and I'll be done with these big projects and able to relax.
I've also managed to completely keep on top of basic housekeeping tasks like the dishes and such, while kicking all this ass in all these other ways. So I'm feeling pretty darn awesomesauce.
Today is my lunch with Zen and then Q's counseling later on tonight...so today I won't have as much time to work on the apartment...but that's ok. I'm still looking forward to checking out and using the amenities like the hot tub, too.
Spork
Active member
Today has been interesting.
One role I had in Old Wolf's life was that of the overseer and management of objects, of things. Simply put, I knew where stuff was. If it was lost, I could find it. Need to buy a thing? I know where to go and how much to spend. My ability to locate missing stuff is part logic and part attention to detail/awareness of surroundings. I have, filed away somewhere, a great many little details that I notice without thinking about them...but if they're called upon to be recalled, I can usually do it in a short bit of time. I don't know how many times I've been asked to help find something that the person has been searching for, for hours, and I've found it within about 2 minutes, usually in the first few places I think to look.
He used to joke that my uterus was a magical tracking device for lost objects.
But I have not been in his house since last week, and this is no longer my job, nor is it my job to generally be his solver for problems not related to, say, our kids. ... So today he lost his key to the community mailbox. He asked me what he should do. I told him he'd have to ask the post office that question, I always made sure I knew where it was and it didn't get lost, so I've not had to deal with such a thing.
So he calls me and says he's gone to the post office and a "fat, lazy public servant who didn't want to do his job" told him that he'd have to send for a copy of the key, it would cost $40 and take 2-3 weeks to arrive. Old Wolf threw a fit (no surprise) and yelled at him, probably in front of a line full of people, that he had bills that would need paid and didn't know how he was supposed to cope with this bullshit and don't worry about it; he's got a crowbar! He'll get into that mailbox.
Of course the sensible answer would be to get the post office to hold the mail and pick it up until he'd either found the key or else come up with the money to get a replacement...but when has this man ever been sensible?
I deliberately restrained myself. During his phone call, I did not sigh or comment, other than noncommittal sounds to indicate I was listening, and "bye." I did not attempt to suggest places for him to look, tell him how to solve the problem, or offer to come help. (You gotta understand, I've literally got up in the middle of the night to soothe his panic and find his lost critical item that had to be found...this was my JOB)... I repeated in my mind, "This is not my problem. This is not my problem."
Got a text just a little while ago: "Found it. Don't ask."
I'm not asking.
One role I had in Old Wolf's life was that of the overseer and management of objects, of things. Simply put, I knew where stuff was. If it was lost, I could find it. Need to buy a thing? I know where to go and how much to spend. My ability to locate missing stuff is part logic and part attention to detail/awareness of surroundings. I have, filed away somewhere, a great many little details that I notice without thinking about them...but if they're called upon to be recalled, I can usually do it in a short bit of time. I don't know how many times I've been asked to help find something that the person has been searching for, for hours, and I've found it within about 2 minutes, usually in the first few places I think to look.
He used to joke that my uterus was a magical tracking device for lost objects.
But I have not been in his house since last week, and this is no longer my job, nor is it my job to generally be his solver for problems not related to, say, our kids. ... So today he lost his key to the community mailbox. He asked me what he should do. I told him he'd have to ask the post office that question, I always made sure I knew where it was and it didn't get lost, so I've not had to deal with such a thing.
So he calls me and says he's gone to the post office and a "fat, lazy public servant who didn't want to do his job" told him that he'd have to send for a copy of the key, it would cost $40 and take 2-3 weeks to arrive. Old Wolf threw a fit (no surprise) and yelled at him, probably in front of a line full of people, that he had bills that would need paid and didn't know how he was supposed to cope with this bullshit and don't worry about it; he's got a crowbar! He'll get into that mailbox.
Of course the sensible answer would be to get the post office to hold the mail and pick it up until he'd either found the key or else come up with the money to get a replacement...but when has this man ever been sensible?
I deliberately restrained myself. During his phone call, I did not sigh or comment, other than noncommittal sounds to indicate I was listening, and "bye." I did not attempt to suggest places for him to look, tell him how to solve the problem, or offer to come help. (You gotta understand, I've literally got up in the middle of the night to soothe his panic and find his lost critical item that had to be found...this was my JOB)... I repeated in my mind, "This is not my problem. This is not my problem."
Got a text just a little while ago: "Found it. Don't ask."
I'm not asking.
breathemusic
Active member
Having to manage all of that for someone else sounds exhausting! That's great that you managed to just remove yourself from the situation and not help, but also not blow up at him. I'm curious to know if you think that having to take care of more of this stuff on his own will force Old Wolf to step up and improve things and take care of himself more, or cause some sort of destructive downward spiral. I mean, either way, it's not your problem and it's not your job to manage. But clearly after his rants he DID manage to find those keys. You'd think that might be a learning moment for him, but given that he's been this way for a long time, maybe that's asking too much?!
Spork
Active member
Hm...it was exhausting sometimes. It was an element of the co-dependency we had. And that term really makes sense when I think about it. When he was deployed, I thought, with relief, that I'd have a break and enjoy being on my own for a year. Well, it turned out that I was able to keep busy for months, but eventually not having him in my space and having to actively manage things for him was hard. I got fairly depressed a couple of times. I had a harder time getting stuff done, had a lot of "what's the point?" and started sleeping way too much (which is a major sign of depression for me--sleep escapism.)
He was dependent upon me and I was dependent upon his dependence. Freaking weird. But I think/hope that having recognized it now will help me to actively avoid depressive ideation and behavior in the months and years to come.
I have explained all of this to him, how one aspect of our separation is that he can now grow up and learn skills that he should have developed in his 20's, but never did. He has chewed on this information enough to agree with it, and in fact says he wants to take it slow in attempts to form new relationships. I'm afraid he'll emotionally reach out and try to bring in another woman to be his...whatever...enabler, supply, Mommy, whatever word it is for this... And I think he's a little afraid of that, too.
Lately though, he has often been revisiting questions of "Do you ever wonder if you're doing the right thing in leaving? Think we could or should try to work this out?" He's come onto my sexually a few times. And I keep trying to tell him that I stopped wanting him sexually because I felt emotionally unsafe with him, and if anything I do even moreso now. And I do think that ultimately an end to our relationship, where neither of us was truly getting our needs fulfilled, and our younger son was suffering, was necessary. Sure sometimes I wonder if it could have been different. But I think we're doing what we have to do.
And he'll say, "Oh, yeah, definitely." and agree with me. But he keeps probing the question, and I think he must be hoping for a different answer. Well, my ultimate answer is what I said the last night we spent time hanging out together... "I love you. But I'm still leaving you. Because you're killing me."
So. Hopefully he'll learn some life skills large and small. He's dating an older woman now, seems to be going well but I think he's torn between wanting to latch on and knowing he needs to be careful. We'll see how it goes.
Spork
Active member
Speaking of Communists in the Funhouse...
So it really annoys me that Zen seems to have lost the menstrual lottery bigtime with me. It's like, if it is even remotely possible for me to be bleeding when we have a sex-date planned, it's gonna be happening. He'll catch me on the first day, the last day, something...always. Drives me nuts.
I mean, I'm really happy that he doesn't seem to care about it, because I don't let it stop me from doing anything sexual as long as my partner doesn't have an issue with it. But it's some incomprehensible shit that being fairly regular with it, still it manages to be happening on what feels like SO many of our weekly "us" nights.
Such a darling, within the first few weeks of our relationship, he anticipated things and actually bought a (surprisingly soft and comfortable) mattress cover to protect his mattress, and he has a special set of sheets he puts on. He's very, very conscientious.
Anyhoo, we're not really due for this until the 10th, (3 days from now) but I'm betting I'll be starting by tomorrow when I've got a night with Zen planned. I betcha! *sigh* Annoying!
I'm so tired today. I've been doing my best to cram maximum productivity into every little chunk of possible time. I get my regular housework done in the morning, along with my coffee, I am entering the previous day's financial transactions (if any) into my reporting system...which is this absurdly elaborate spreadsheet monstrosity that I created for fun, because I'm silly enough to love accumulating and crunching data that way...and I get my dishes done from the night before and I get the trash out and the litterbox clean and all those little things. At like 5AM. Then on my lunch I might run errands or go home and do half an hour's worth of work in the apartment. After work, busy busy with either planned outings or apartment work until close to 11:00. Six hours of sleep and do it all again. I remember times when I used to come home from work and nap, or read books, or do jigsaw puzzles, even play video games! I don't know where I ever found the time...it's a fond fantasy for me now.
So it really annoys me that Zen seems to have lost the menstrual lottery bigtime with me. It's like, if it is even remotely possible for me to be bleeding when we have a sex-date planned, it's gonna be happening. He'll catch me on the first day, the last day, something...always. Drives me nuts.
I mean, I'm really happy that he doesn't seem to care about it, because I don't let it stop me from doing anything sexual as long as my partner doesn't have an issue with it. But it's some incomprehensible shit that being fairly regular with it, still it manages to be happening on what feels like SO many of our weekly "us" nights.
Such a darling, within the first few weeks of our relationship, he anticipated things and actually bought a (surprisingly soft and comfortable) mattress cover to protect his mattress, and he has a special set of sheets he puts on. He's very, very conscientious.
Anyhoo, we're not really due for this until the 10th, (3 days from now) but I'm betting I'll be starting by tomorrow when I've got a night with Zen planned. I betcha! *sigh* Annoying!
I'm so tired today. I've been doing my best to cram maximum productivity into every little chunk of possible time. I get my regular housework done in the morning, along with my coffee, I am entering the previous day's financial transactions (if any) into my reporting system...which is this absurdly elaborate spreadsheet monstrosity that I created for fun, because I'm silly enough to love accumulating and crunching data that way...and I get my dishes done from the night before and I get the trash out and the litterbox clean and all those little things. At like 5AM. Then on my lunch I might run errands or go home and do half an hour's worth of work in the apartment. After work, busy busy with either planned outings or apartment work until close to 11:00. Six hours of sleep and do it all again. I remember times when I used to come home from work and nap, or read books, or do jigsaw puzzles, even play video games! I don't know where I ever found the time...it's a fond fantasy for me now.
Spork
Active member
I want to talk about food for a minute.
About me, my eating habits, my overall relationship with food.
I have "Selective Eating Disorder" (also known as adult picky eating.) It is closely related, apparently, to OCD. It's kind of "OCD of food." My 14 year old son does, too.
I've spent my entire life fighting against people who were so damn sure that if I put their favorite food in my mouth and chewed, I'd fall in love with it and be magically cured of my problem. I wish. But I've had to defend myself against the attitudes of other people so relentlessly that I've become kind of sensitive and defensive about it.
Fortunately, what I live with is nowhere near as bad as some people who have this problem. I can eat most meats (of terrestrial origin, not seafood, and as long as they are cooked.) I can eat a lot of starchy stuff, most cheese, even a very few select fruits and veggies. Lots of grains and grain based stuff. Beans. I don't have a weight problem, if anything I'm small and thin. My bloodwork comes back nice and healthy. I take vitamins. The main thing I have to watch out for is eating enough fiber, because I've actually watched my ex go through multiple surgeries for diverticulitis, which can happen if your diet is too low in fiber...so I know how important that is. Thankfully, I love apples, cheerios, and the aforementioned beloved beans.
The issue I've got is that people seem to get actually offended by my eating habits. Angry. As though I'm being an insufferable snob turning up my nose at perfectly good food, as though I think that I am too good to eat this or that. As a child, I had people make me sit for HOURS staring at a cold congealing hot dog that I wouldn't eat because they'd put ketchup and mustard on it. (I would have eaten it, if they hadn't.) I used to sneak food into the trash after the adults had given up and stopped watching me. I was yelled at and punished for wasting food, lectured about starving people in third world countries.
All I can say (with some vitriol) is that the people who lecture me the most don't have the healthiest eating habits themselves. They have a hard time stopping, which is an issue I've never had--I stop when I feel full and I'll throw away the rest rather than hurt myself stuffing it in my face. They are usually overweight. But damned if the Clean Plate Club doesn't love to tell me how horrible and unhealthy my diet is, while they suck down diet soda. I could eat far less healthy things, to shocking excess, and if I were just willing to ALSO eat a salad, it would be fine with them. I've been clashing with people over it my whole life and I'm just tired of it. I can find something at practically any restaurant, though I might have to ask them to hold several toppings...I might have an "eating disorder" but I'm really not interested in curing it. Unlike most people I know, if I had to work on my health or my weight, I'd much rather exercise than change my eating habits. In fact I'd much rather make changes in practically any part of my life, than try to force feed me food that will make me gag and choke. To me...leafy plant stuff just isn't food. And I can't just eat it.
I find it really frustrating to have to defend myself against people who want, for reasons I can't really comprehend, to make me change my ways. I don't get why they can't accept that it's basically my life and I can manage it. And to go right ahead and get personal in the polycule here, Fire and I have been at it a little over this. While she relents sometimes when I remind her that I'm healthy despite my diet, she'll calm down and leave me be. But she would very much rather that I'd broaden my dietary horizons. Well, I had suggested that perhaps we get together at my place and I'd cook. I'm on a tight budget, but I could have come up with a meal for all of us. But I was told by her that maybe that wasn't a great idea because she and Hefe were trying a dairy elimination diet, due to some gastro issues they've been having. Well and good. But see, if I went to their home and nibbled on just bread because I have an issue...but she doesn't want to go out and eat for fear of eating too much and not being able to control herself, or doesn't want to come eat at my house because I might serve dairy...which she could avoid by eating just the other dishes, of which there would have been at least a couple...this whole thing... I don't ask others to tiptoe around my eating disorder and change their plans because of it. I'll figure out something to eat at the weird Thai place and I'll eat bread at your house, and I won't complain. My issue is my issue. But if someone is trying to lose weight (not just Fire, others I know) or is otherwise doing something more "normal" with their diet, then I'm supposed to change up my whole reality if we need to share a mealtime, to make sure they are accomodated. I've done it before and I'll do it again.
Frankly, there is zero understanding, compassion, acceptance, or even tolerance of my "disorder" (hate to label it that, but apparently according to the experts, it is.) All I get is, "you should change." Apparently to make everyone around me comfortable, not for reasons of my health actually.
Well. It's not likely. Sorry...not sorry. I don't know what else to say.
About me, my eating habits, my overall relationship with food.
I have "Selective Eating Disorder" (also known as adult picky eating.) It is closely related, apparently, to OCD. It's kind of "OCD of food." My 14 year old son does, too.
I've spent my entire life fighting against people who were so damn sure that if I put their favorite food in my mouth and chewed, I'd fall in love with it and be magically cured of my problem. I wish. But I've had to defend myself against the attitudes of other people so relentlessly that I've become kind of sensitive and defensive about it.
Fortunately, what I live with is nowhere near as bad as some people who have this problem. I can eat most meats (of terrestrial origin, not seafood, and as long as they are cooked.) I can eat a lot of starchy stuff, most cheese, even a very few select fruits and veggies. Lots of grains and grain based stuff. Beans. I don't have a weight problem, if anything I'm small and thin. My bloodwork comes back nice and healthy. I take vitamins. The main thing I have to watch out for is eating enough fiber, because I've actually watched my ex go through multiple surgeries for diverticulitis, which can happen if your diet is too low in fiber...so I know how important that is. Thankfully, I love apples, cheerios, and the aforementioned beloved beans.
The issue I've got is that people seem to get actually offended by my eating habits. Angry. As though I'm being an insufferable snob turning up my nose at perfectly good food, as though I think that I am too good to eat this or that. As a child, I had people make me sit for HOURS staring at a cold congealing hot dog that I wouldn't eat because they'd put ketchup and mustard on it. (I would have eaten it, if they hadn't.) I used to sneak food into the trash after the adults had given up and stopped watching me. I was yelled at and punished for wasting food, lectured about starving people in third world countries.
All I can say (with some vitriol) is that the people who lecture me the most don't have the healthiest eating habits themselves. They have a hard time stopping, which is an issue I've never had--I stop when I feel full and I'll throw away the rest rather than hurt myself stuffing it in my face. They are usually overweight. But damned if the Clean Plate Club doesn't love to tell me how horrible and unhealthy my diet is, while they suck down diet soda. I could eat far less healthy things, to shocking excess, and if I were just willing to ALSO eat a salad, it would be fine with them. I've been clashing with people over it my whole life and I'm just tired of it. I can find something at practically any restaurant, though I might have to ask them to hold several toppings...I might have an "eating disorder" but I'm really not interested in curing it. Unlike most people I know, if I had to work on my health or my weight, I'd much rather exercise than change my eating habits. In fact I'd much rather make changes in practically any part of my life, than try to force feed me food that will make me gag and choke. To me...leafy plant stuff just isn't food. And I can't just eat it.
I find it really frustrating to have to defend myself against people who want, for reasons I can't really comprehend, to make me change my ways. I don't get why they can't accept that it's basically my life and I can manage it. And to go right ahead and get personal in the polycule here, Fire and I have been at it a little over this. While she relents sometimes when I remind her that I'm healthy despite my diet, she'll calm down and leave me be. But she would very much rather that I'd broaden my dietary horizons. Well, I had suggested that perhaps we get together at my place and I'd cook. I'm on a tight budget, but I could have come up with a meal for all of us. But I was told by her that maybe that wasn't a great idea because she and Hefe were trying a dairy elimination diet, due to some gastro issues they've been having. Well and good. But see, if I went to their home and nibbled on just bread because I have an issue...but she doesn't want to go out and eat for fear of eating too much and not being able to control herself, or doesn't want to come eat at my house because I might serve dairy...which she could avoid by eating just the other dishes, of which there would have been at least a couple...this whole thing... I don't ask others to tiptoe around my eating disorder and change their plans because of it. I'll figure out something to eat at the weird Thai place and I'll eat bread at your house, and I won't complain. My issue is my issue. But if someone is trying to lose weight (not just Fire, others I know) or is otherwise doing something more "normal" with their diet, then I'm supposed to change up my whole reality if we need to share a mealtime, to make sure they are accomodated. I've done it before and I'll do it again.
Frankly, there is zero understanding, compassion, acceptance, or even tolerance of my "disorder" (hate to label it that, but apparently according to the experts, it is.) All I get is, "you should change." Apparently to make everyone around me comfortable, not for reasons of my health actually.
Well. It's not likely. Sorry...not sorry. I don't know what else to say.
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Spork
Active member
Update on kitties
I've been keeping an eye on the animal rescue's website, and they have now added the cats to the "happy tails" page, meaning all of the kitties were adopted.
Even knowing that the rescue is a no-kill, it makes me feel good to know that they have homes.
The lady wasn't lying though, it's a little shocking for this time of year, since spring is usually "kitten season" but they really don't have many little babies available at all right now. Not too surprising that these little ones got homes so fast...but it's awesome that Mom did, too.
Nimbus is happy in his new home, and happy to be the "only cat" again. Doing lots of Very Important Cat Things. Enjoying his new windows to watch his show through, dashing up and down the hallway at 3AM, opening and closing the cabinets and drawers. Occasionally singing the songs of his people. Plotting. Lounging. Catting like a pro.
Tonight I see Zen, I'm hoping after we have our sexytime over at his place maybe we can go back to the apartment and get in the hot tub. I have yet to even use it, and I'd like to. Or maybe shoot pool in the clubhouse, since we both like to do that.
I've been keeping an eye on the animal rescue's website, and they have now added the cats to the "happy tails" page, meaning all of the kitties were adopted.
Even knowing that the rescue is a no-kill, it makes me feel good to know that they have homes.
The lady wasn't lying though, it's a little shocking for this time of year, since spring is usually "kitten season" but they really don't have many little babies available at all right now. Not too surprising that these little ones got homes so fast...but it's awesome that Mom did, too.
Nimbus is happy in his new home, and happy to be the "only cat" again. Doing lots of Very Important Cat Things. Enjoying his new windows to watch his show through, dashing up and down the hallway at 3AM, opening and closing the cabinets and drawers. Occasionally singing the songs of his people. Plotting. Lounging. Catting like a pro.
Tonight I see Zen, I'm hoping after we have our sexytime over at his place maybe we can go back to the apartment and get in the hot tub. I have yet to even use it, and I'd like to. Or maybe shoot pool in the clubhouse, since we both like to do that.
JaneQSmythe
Well-known member
Chuckled when I read this...my MrS jokes that the uterus is a "magnetic homing device", it is also responsible for my sense of direction (as he has NONE
).
Spork
Active member
I had a decent weekend. Zen and I got together Friday and I managed not to be on Shark Week quite yet (miracle!) and we went back to my place and used the hot tub, which was nice. My complex has all the amenities, and I haven't made full use of them yet. Hot tub, sauna, pool, gym, and a club room with a pool table. Zen and I enjoy shooting pool so I'm sure we'll get around to using that, too. It sucks that most of that is only open 10-10, I wish it were open 24/7, but it's alright. It's cool to have all that stuff regardless. Worth the extra in rent, in my opinion, along with the fact that it's a nice, safe, clean and pretty sort of place to live anyhow. People talk about how much better it is to own a house, and I'm just not really sure it's better for me. I've always liked the freedom of being a renter. If you're unhappy living somewhere, you can wait out the lease and then just move. And someone else gets to worry about taking care of the grass and everything. I like that. I really don't have a problem living in proximity to other people, either. Never have.
So then Saturday I went and helped Old Wolf move a stupid heavy oak entertainment center he got from a friend. That thing is a beast. I hope he's happy with where it's at in the house, because he's gonna have to get someone else to help him if he ever wants to move it again. And he's got a bad back, he ought not to have been moving heavy things anyways. Today he says he's "in a bad place" emotionally...tired of hearing people at work talk about their relationships. Doesn't know why he's been put "in the penalty box" and taken out of play. I don't know how to respond to that, so I didn't. I'm still sad enough about the way it all played out that some part of me wishes for the old days when our lives together were just easy. But I know he wants a kind of passion...a wanting, and a needing of him...that I cannot muster. If he went back to being his normal self as he was for most of our relationship...a pain in the arse, but not completely nutso...I could have just kept on living that life indefinitely. It wasn't miserable. It was just...comfortable and ok, we had our routines. Things were easy. No hard choices to make. Just getting on with life. Sometimes I do miss that, and I sure miss the financial security. With him, we had our leaner times and our fatter times, but I always felt like if worse came to worse I had a partner. Now my life is on my own shoulders, I feel like I've got no safety net, and things are definitely very tight. I've traded a life of secure mediocrity at best, for one of uncertainty but endless possibility for better or worse. I had to go, to put a stop to what was going on when it was happening, because he was doing really harmful things. I definitely feel justified in leaving. He was terrorizing us. But on days like today, when he is now functioning in his job, but he's so sad, and I think, "What if he got better, doesn't he deserve a second chance?" This stuff is all just very emotional. I know why it's there. I can't give my marriage that second chance, because the odds of trying harder to need/want him the way he needed me to are the same as the odds of me trying harder and learning to like broccoli. I can't force that to happen. All I ever had to offer was that lukewarm...caring, but not passionate...sort of love. He still has that, I don't think I'll ever lose that familial caring for him. But it is, in his eyes, dross...a lie...a consolation prize. It's not what he wants. Instead, he has nothing, and he's lonely and sad, and I'm sad for him.
And still...the idea of trying to be sexual with him makes me want to hide, deep within myself. It's not something I can feel positive about. The idea of holding him, being nurturing and loving to him, that is fine...but bring sex into it, and my spirit recoils. So no matter how sad the whole business is, I can't actually consider a change of heart here. I can't give him what he needs, no matter how I might feel about living that mediocre-but-kinda-comfortable existance again.
I've been dealing with some emotional sludginess lately. From spikes of irritation to maudlin moodiness to sheer exhaustion. I'm blaming the hormones, knowing what time of the month it is and all, and the weather which is grey and cold and rainy today. It's one of those days that I just can't seem to get warm.
Oh, and back to my weekend stuff, so I went to Voodoo for a party on Saturday night and had a long conversation with a person I know...I have a difficult time using proper pronouns with this person. She wants to be called she, and identifies as a MTF trans person, but she doesn't dress in very feminine ways and looks male to me. So I struggle not to misgender her. But she's an odd person to talk to. A hippie who, despite being sober, comes off as sort of addled and does admit to long stretches without sleep to alter her mind. She's an odd talker. Well she said that my energy reminds her of coffee, and I'm not sure what that meant. And later she said that I was "well grounded." That I get, that doesn't surprise me; it's similar to many earth-ish comparisons people make to my demeanor all the time. But with the coffee thing it just came off like a bad pun...jeez... Well I did an electricity scene with Hefe and that was fun. Fire showed up briefly but she wasn't feeling like being social, something was bothering her but she doesn't see fit to talk about it and I'm not pushing. I declined invitations to do things after the party and went home to bed, because after all of the moving of heavy things I was just tired. Yesterday, Fire, Hefe and Analyst and I all went to brunch and watched the second Libertarian debates. Fire is saying that the purpose of these campaigns isn't really about trying to get elected, since that's very unlikely, it's more having a candidate in the bigger presidential debates who can "call out" the others and shake things up a bit. We all agree that only McAfee will be interesting in that regard. The other two are pretty weak. We considered going for a hike but then it was getting stormy outside so we didn't.
I wish yesterday's weather had continued, because it was that quickly shifting thunderstorms and sunshine, and I like that. I love the thunder, it fills me with peace and calm. But no, we have cold air, misty rain, and solid grey skies today. Oh, well...it'll pass...
So then Saturday I went and helped Old Wolf move a stupid heavy oak entertainment center he got from a friend. That thing is a beast. I hope he's happy with where it's at in the house, because he's gonna have to get someone else to help him if he ever wants to move it again. And he's got a bad back, he ought not to have been moving heavy things anyways. Today he says he's "in a bad place" emotionally...tired of hearing people at work talk about their relationships. Doesn't know why he's been put "in the penalty box" and taken out of play. I don't know how to respond to that, so I didn't. I'm still sad enough about the way it all played out that some part of me wishes for the old days when our lives together were just easy. But I know he wants a kind of passion...a wanting, and a needing of him...that I cannot muster. If he went back to being his normal self as he was for most of our relationship...a pain in the arse, but not completely nutso...I could have just kept on living that life indefinitely. It wasn't miserable. It was just...comfortable and ok, we had our routines. Things were easy. No hard choices to make. Just getting on with life. Sometimes I do miss that, and I sure miss the financial security. With him, we had our leaner times and our fatter times, but I always felt like if worse came to worse I had a partner. Now my life is on my own shoulders, I feel like I've got no safety net, and things are definitely very tight. I've traded a life of secure mediocrity at best, for one of uncertainty but endless possibility for better or worse. I had to go, to put a stop to what was going on when it was happening, because he was doing really harmful things. I definitely feel justified in leaving. He was terrorizing us. But on days like today, when he is now functioning in his job, but he's so sad, and I think, "What if he got better, doesn't he deserve a second chance?" This stuff is all just very emotional. I know why it's there. I can't give my marriage that second chance, because the odds of trying harder to need/want him the way he needed me to are the same as the odds of me trying harder and learning to like broccoli. I can't force that to happen. All I ever had to offer was that lukewarm...caring, but not passionate...sort of love. He still has that, I don't think I'll ever lose that familial caring for him. But it is, in his eyes, dross...a lie...a consolation prize. It's not what he wants. Instead, he has nothing, and he's lonely and sad, and I'm sad for him.
And still...the idea of trying to be sexual with him makes me want to hide, deep within myself. It's not something I can feel positive about. The idea of holding him, being nurturing and loving to him, that is fine...but bring sex into it, and my spirit recoils. So no matter how sad the whole business is, I can't actually consider a change of heart here. I can't give him what he needs, no matter how I might feel about living that mediocre-but-kinda-comfortable existance again.
I've been dealing with some emotional sludginess lately. From spikes of irritation to maudlin moodiness to sheer exhaustion. I'm blaming the hormones, knowing what time of the month it is and all, and the weather which is grey and cold and rainy today. It's one of those days that I just can't seem to get warm.
Oh, and back to my weekend stuff, so I went to Voodoo for a party on Saturday night and had a long conversation with a person I know...I have a difficult time using proper pronouns with this person. She wants to be called she, and identifies as a MTF trans person, but she doesn't dress in very feminine ways and looks male to me. So I struggle not to misgender her. But she's an odd person to talk to. A hippie who, despite being sober, comes off as sort of addled and does admit to long stretches without sleep to alter her mind. She's an odd talker. Well she said that my energy reminds her of coffee, and I'm not sure what that meant. And later she said that I was "well grounded." That I get, that doesn't surprise me; it's similar to many earth-ish comparisons people make to my demeanor all the time. But with the coffee thing it just came off like a bad pun...jeez... Well I did an electricity scene with Hefe and that was fun. Fire showed up briefly but she wasn't feeling like being social, something was bothering her but she doesn't see fit to talk about it and I'm not pushing. I declined invitations to do things after the party and went home to bed, because after all of the moving of heavy things I was just tired. Yesterday, Fire, Hefe and Analyst and I all went to brunch and watched the second Libertarian debates. Fire is saying that the purpose of these campaigns isn't really about trying to get elected, since that's very unlikely, it's more having a candidate in the bigger presidential debates who can "call out" the others and shake things up a bit. We all agree that only McAfee will be interesting in that regard. The other two are pretty weak. We considered going for a hike but then it was getting stormy outside so we didn't.
I wish yesterday's weather had continued, because it was that quickly shifting thunderstorms and sunshine, and I like that. I love the thunder, it fills me with peace and calm. But no, we have cold air, misty rain, and solid grey skies today. Oh, well...it'll pass...
Spork
Active member
The sun is shining, and it is a better day!
Q had a stomachache yesterday and asked me to get him from school. I took him home and gave him some Pepto and he slept the afternoon away on the couch. Poor kid, he's got issues. He has for years. The mental stuff, he's got anxiety, hypochondria, some mild germophobia going on...as well as serious picky eating/food avoidance. I'm one of the pickiest and lightest eaters I know, but even I am constantly nudging him to eat more. He's really skinny. And he often feels physically unwell, gets bloody noses often, stomachaches and headaches. I struggle to find foods he'll eat, I definitely don't want to turn it into this whole power struggle like my parents did with me...but I worry about him a lot. I'm hoping that creating a better home environment for him, getting him away from his Dad, combined with him getting through the worst of the awkward middle-school adolescent years, will help all of this. At least I got him to eat some beef & noodle soup I made last night. Today he was feeling better, and went to school.
At least I had the time to get my laundry done.
Q had a stomachache yesterday and asked me to get him from school. I took him home and gave him some Pepto and he slept the afternoon away on the couch. Poor kid, he's got issues. He has for years. The mental stuff, he's got anxiety, hypochondria, some mild germophobia going on...as well as serious picky eating/food avoidance. I'm one of the pickiest and lightest eaters I know, but even I am constantly nudging him to eat more. He's really skinny. And he often feels physically unwell, gets bloody noses often, stomachaches and headaches. I struggle to find foods he'll eat, I definitely don't want to turn it into this whole power struggle like my parents did with me...but I worry about him a lot. I'm hoping that creating a better home environment for him, getting him away from his Dad, combined with him getting through the worst of the awkward middle-school adolescent years, will help all of this. At least I got him to eat some beef & noodle soup I made last night. Today he was feeling better, and went to school.
At least I had the time to get my laundry done.
Spork
Active member
Just had lunch with Zen. Funny bit of conversation. We were at Steak & Shake. He'd never been there. There's another burger chain in town called "Five Guys."
Zen: "Chris once took me to Five Guys. I didn't like their meat."
Me: ~hysterical laughter~
Zen: "I...take it you like Five Guys?"
Me: ~more hysterical laughter~
...
Me: ~recovering and responding to Zen's quizzical look~ "You have to understand, if there is a possible double meaning to anything, my mind will just grab hold of it, it's like Beavis and Butthead live in there...so when you said..."
Zen: (With a straight face) "Demons. You're possessed by demons."
Zen: "Chris once took me to Five Guys. I didn't like their meat."
Me: ~hysterical laughter~
Zen: "I...take it you like Five Guys?"
Me: ~more hysterical laughter~
...
Me: ~recovering and responding to Zen's quizzical look~ "You have to understand, if there is a possible double meaning to anything, my mind will just grab hold of it, it's like Beavis and Butthead live in there...so when you said..."
Zen: (With a straight face) "Demons. You're possessed by demons."
opalescent
Active member
Lol! That's awesome!