What is this thing we have?

O

ohno

New member
I'm new to polyamory so bare with me please. My friends are all monogamous and don't understand.
I've been with my bf for long time and we do love each other. I've always kind of flirted with the idea of open relationship but never really found anyone compatible for it.

Now I've met wonderful guy whom I've fallen in love with, I think. I still love my bf very much and I'm being honest and open about it with him.
I can't understand this new guy I'm with, what is his deal really. We have amazing time together both emotionally and physically. He has a gf or ex gf, not sure, and few other friends with benefits. He said he in a open relationship. I don't know do any of them know about me.

Since he told me he loved but doesn't want relationship with me, I'm confused. I wouldn't want to be used just for sex or rebound. Is this polyamory or playing around? How should I handle this the best way possible and should I ask him stuff or just go with the flow?
 
Do you mean that he doesn't want any sort of relationship at all, or doesn't want a romantic relationship but is happy to be friends, or doesn't want a friendship but his happy to be your FB, or... what?

It takes (at least) two to tango, so if he's not interested it's a non-starter.
 
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Emm said:
Do you mean that he doesn't want any sort of relationship at all, or doesn't want a romantic relationship but is happy to be friends, or doesn't want a friendship but his happy to be your FB, or... what?

It takes (at least) two to tango, so if he's not interested it's a non-starter.
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I agree. I asked him this and he didn't answer. He doesn't want to define us. He says I'm wonderful and holds my hand and puts his arms around me in public but says we're not a couple.

I was blown away by him from the first time we've meet and very fast I've fallen in love. Chemistry is so great that I get close to orgasm just by looking into his eyes and we spend many hours just being in each others arms talking. I've never experienced anything like this.
But I don't want to be his fool.
 
If you're happy with what you're getting from him, stay. If you're not, you can either try to negotiate for more or leave and try to find what you want elsewhere. Sticking around in a situation you don't enjoy on the off-chance that he might change his mind and throw you some scraps if you make puppy-dog eyes at him for long enough is an exercise in futility.

Ask for what you need / want. If he agrees to provide it, great! If he doesn't (and remember he's under no obligation to agree just 'cause you ask) then you need to decide if it's dealbreaker or not.
 
ohno said:
I'm new to polyamory so bear with me please. My friends are all monogamous and don't understand.
I've been with my bf for long time and we do love each other. I've always kind of flirted with the idea of open relationship but never really found anyone compatible for it.

Now I've met wonderful guy whom I've fallen in love with, I think. I still love my bf very much and I'm being honest and open about it with him.
I can't understand this new guy I'm with, what is his deal really. We have amazing time together both emotionally and physically. He has a gf or ex gf, not sure, and few other friends with benefits. He said he in a open relationship. I don't know do any of them know about me.

Since he told me he loved but doesn't want relationship with me, I'm confused. I wouldn't want to be used just for sex or rebound. Is this polyamory or playing around? How should I handle this the best way possible and should I ask him stuff or just go with the flow?
Click to expand...

ohno said:
I agree. I asked him this and he didn't answer. He doesn't want to define us. He says I'm wonderful and holds my hand and puts his arms around me in public but says we're not a couple.

I was blown away by him from the first time we've meet and very fast I've fallen in love. Chemistry is so great that I get close to orgasm just by looking into his eyes and we spend many hours just being in each others arms talking. I've never experienced anything like this.
But I don't want to be his fool.
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This is a relationship question anyone could ask, whether single and dating, ie: playing the field, or a confirmed and experienced polyamorist.

Rather than answer your questions right off the bat, I have more questions for you.

How long have you known him?

When did you tell him you loved him? When did he say it?

How often do you see each other?

If it's only been weeks or like 3 months, you're both in the NRE (new relationship energy) stage. It's hearts and flowers, lust, the rush of opening your legs and soul to a new person, sharing your life stories, discovering shared interests, having intense new person sex.

He might not be ready to declare Relationship yet, and that's OK. Some people are slow to trust. He just might not be there yet.

Most love relationships start out fairly casually. Even if you see each other often, there can be discoveries made about their character after 6 months, even 2 years (when NRE wears off and you're seeing clearly and not through rose colored glasses), which can totally change your mind about the person's long term potential.

This guy might have long term potential, he might not. Sexual chemistry can make a person seem GREAT, but many things need to happen before you can truly call a person a partner.

Also, different people have different ideas about the "relationship escalator." Some might feel pressured to become too enmeshed, at a speed they aren't interested in. From what you've said so far, it's too soon to be putting boyfriend/partner label on this guy. He's more experienced at open relationships than you are, and has probably been burnt a few times. So feels cautious.

Or, he could be a narcissistic Don Juan player. Too soon to tell! Keep your eyes open and protect your heart.
 
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Magdlyn said:
Rather than answer your questions right off the bat, I have more questions for you.

How long have you known him?

When did you tell him you loved him? When did he say it?

How often do you see each other?
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You're completely right and thanks a lot for this. It's too soon for labels. I don't care for them but I only got scared of getting hurt.
We have dates about twice a week. He told me he loved me after few weeks.I got scared but I said it back because I felt it too. Since he decided to open up, I asked to be his gf and got rejected.
I just need to relax.
 
ohno said:
You're completely right and thanks a lot for this. It's too soon for labels. I don't care for them but I only got scared of getting hurt.
We have dates about twice a week. He told me he loved me after few weeks.I got scared but I said it back because I felt it too. Since he decided to open up, I asked to be his gf and got rejected.
I just need to relax.
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Yeah, it's a tricky landscape. My current bf won't say he loves me, and it's been almost 8 months of twice weekly dates, and he hangs out for hours when he comes, not just for sex. We also do things together: household projects, cooking and eating, long talks, listening to music and dancing,various dates outside the house, open hearted talks about our families, our physical and mental health, etc etc. Finally, I broached the subject of love. For him, saying the L word means some kind of lifelong commitment thing. I just told him I love him for the first time this past week, though I've been feeling it, and calling him my love, baby, darling, for months. He didn't seem to mind me saying it; in fact, he looked very pleased. He might even think of me as his girlfriend... he does tell me he likes me very much, and he gives me tokens, gifts of art he has made, etc. So, I take what he is willing and able to give.
 
ohno said:
He told me he loved me after few weeks.I got scared but I said it back because I felt it too. Since he decided to open up, I asked to be his gf and got rejected.
I just need to relax.
Click to expand...

As a civilization, we are embarrassingly bad at discussing relationships with one another. "I love you" and "be my boyfriend" are such broad statements as to be completely useless. With each passing year I find I am less and less willing to use these catch-all terms without first making absolutely certain that the person I'm saying them to knows *exactly* what I mean by them.

He balked at "girlfriend", which might have felt like a rejection, but only because of how he did it. In a perfect world, his response might have been better phrased as "tell me what you mean by that? does that change what we are doing? do you have expectations to go along with that title?" Most people will not no how to respond to actually examining what they mean when they apply a label; we're not used to being introspective in that way.

My solution is to skip the label all together in a discussion like this. Instead of the label, say what it is that you like about the association, what you would like to get more of / less of, describe how you see the association playing out and changing (or staying the same) over time and be specific. This leaves us in a place of mutual understanding instead of general labels lumping expectations into an association that was working before we put a label on it.

Then, once you both understand what your "I love you" and "girlfriend" shorthand means, use those terms without fear of misunderstanding.

Personal Example: I dated a wonderful girl for a while who stated numerous times that she wanted us "to build something together" and that was an important part of a romantic relationship. Every time I would ask her exactly what she meant by that, to explain it to me, to give me examples, and she couldn't. This is a great example of something that needs to be explored before we should even consider adding it as a part of an association. Add what? She didn't even know what she was telling me she wanted.

Examining these thinks isn't inherent, it's a skill set that needs to be practiced and honed. This is my opinion.​

Magdlyn said:
So, I take what he is willing and able to give.
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If we can only take one thing from this thread, I think this statement will get us the furthest.
 
With MrS - it took me 6 months to admit that we were "in a relationship" and 18 months to say the L word. With Dude the timeframes were cut roughly in half. My first and second relationships ever...and, in each case, we were already essentially living together. Different people have different connotations attached to the same words.
 
Hi ohno,

You seem to be enjoying what you have with this new guy, whatever it is called, so, I am inclined to suggest you continue with him for the moment.

I don't see a problem with asking him stuff, as long as you are sensitive to what he's not ready to answer. I guess what I mean is don't push push push, just ask once and accept his response, and wait quite awhile before asking again.

Of course, you should still be cautious, just in case he's not as nice of a guy as he seems to be.

Hope that helps,
Kevin T.
 
"Relationship" means what!?

It took me a long time to learn that the word "relationship" is very loaded for some people. "Loaded" meaning that someone has an emotionally charged definition of what the word that (typically) is not shared with other people. Often they may be unaware of the surrounding issues themselves. For example, I've met people who think "relationship" means "a soul crushing infringement on my freedom but I can't actually explain that to you".

But it's a very simple word. It's ACTUAL definition which is (paraphrasing) "the way in which two or more people are connected". I have a relationship with everyone in my life. Exactly what that relationship is depends on the person. I have a relationship with people here at this forum. And it changes over time.

But, yeah, people freak out over the word.
 
OP, I send you my sincerest hopes that you and this man can continue to have a wonderful interaction.

It is very possible that he is the kind who just needs time and space, and that with the right approach, he'll continue to be part of your life a while.

It is also possible that he is the kind who enjoys a bright flash, a momentary thrill, of seducing a new partner into his thrall, and once she is firmly hooked, he gets bored and phases out. In this case, there isn't a damn thing you can do, because it's going to hurt, and he won't care, he might feel momentarily guilty for causing you pain (or not) but he won't make his choices any differently because of it.

Here is the important stuff to remember...you ready?...this stuff is REALLY IMPORTANT!...

If he's the second kind, the player, in other words if he pushes you away even though things seem to be going great...DO NOT ask questions about why you aren't what he wants to keep in his life, why you were not good enough, or if you did something wrong and deserved the way he's treating you. DO NOT bend yourself to try and be whatever he wants, to try and keep him around. Do NOT waste your time and mental energy trying to figure him out so that you can be understanding and accommodating to him.

If things seem great and all of a sudden he seems to be fading away or disengaging, you really have to accept that this is just how he operates, be grateful that you have the memories, and keep your self esteem strong and move on. That is hard. My god is it hard. But you must do this.

................................My Story...................................

This is a lesson I learned the hard way last year. I had a lover I nicknamed "The Worm King" because he is a strange man with a worm farm in his basement (it's for his garden, but still it's weird)...anyhow...he was amazing. I thought he was everything I needed in a man. I was so careful to explain to him that I would not ever want to infringe upon his freedom. I did not care if he had other women, did not want to try and live with him, was not planning to ever get married or have kids again, and was just really enjoying him as a lover. I respected his space. I bent over backwards trying to BE anything he might need in a woman. All I wanted was to continue our visits, and hopefully build a friendship.

But a couple of weeks in, he started to push me away. Got angry and snappy a few times, we had some text spats, I wanted to communicate and build some kind of understanding, he just wanted me to back off, I guess. It doesn't matter. I know now, because I have met other women who have had stories to tell about this man, that he fishes constantly for new women and enjoys them for a short time, and then pushes them away. What is really a trip...he manages to push us all to a specific distance, and then leave us there. I see on his facebook, he's got TONS of female friends and is on good terms with so many women that he has done this with. Once every few months, he'll message me to say he misses me and "wants to get together soon" but then he never actually does want to get together. He just wants to see if I'm still on the hook or not, if I am still available to him.

I had a while where it was agonizingly painful, where it made me feel so worthless and rejected...then a while where it made me angry. I drove myself nuts trying to script what was going on in his head, and it took months for certain songs to stop triggering turmoil in my heart and mind. Such is the hold that a man like that can have over you.

Finally I found some good strong feelings with a partner in my life, we are both happily boiling over with love, but that took TIME to grow, for both of us. I feel now in retrospect that my mistake with the Worm King was jumping in too fast. But I'll be perfectly honest, despite the fact that I finally feel ok where he is concerned, if he invited me over for sex, I wouldn't say no. I just don't hope for it anymore.

.................................................................................

So.

Take it slow, take it careful, and if he plays you anyways, remember...he has not diminished you in the slightest. You got good memories. Heal your heart, be good to yourself, and don't take it personally. It's just how some men roll.

(Honestly, I feel that the fact that he has not been truly clear about his other relationships to you, and you still have a lot of unanswered questions, indicates that he is more likely a player than a seasoned polyamorist.)
 
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