Does your primary have a say in who you hook up with?

L

loloinwonderland

New member
My partner and I have been in an open relationship for a year and a half, so this is still pretty new to us. We generally have a really good open dialog about our relationship as well as our others. My problem is this, he often has a negative reaction to the people I am interested in seeing. To be fair, some of them are people we see regularly/are our friends, so I completely understand why he would have hesitations about me getting involved with them. But he also has a tendency of righting people off quickly. I want to be respectful of his feelings, but I also feel like he has too much say in who I see. I also think it is hypocritical of him to try to tell me who to I can or can not see, when he has hooked up with people I didn't really like. I'm not sure what to do in this situation.
Do ya'll discuss who you see with your partners? How much say, if any, do they have in your other relationships?
 
My partners know about each other. If I have any additional partners in the future, my current partners will also know about them.

One of my current partners has other partners; the other (my husband) is monogamous. I know about my boyfriend's other partners, and he has agreed to tell me if he has any additional partners in the future.

As for how much say we have about each other's partners... None, really. If my boyfriend had a partner with whom I didn't get along, I could say I prefer not to interact with her. If he had a partner I thought might hurt him in some way, I could express my concern. But that would be the extent of it; I have no right to tell him not to be involved with someone else. That's his life.

Likewise, neither he nor my husband has any right to tell me not to be involved with someone. My husband was concerned about one of my previous boyfriends potentially hurting me emotionally, but he never once said he didn't want me to see the other guy. He just said he was worried about me getting hurt and asked me to be careful. And when I did get hurt by a prolonged, messy breakup with that guy, my husband never said "I told you so"; he just gave me love and support.

We do have some boundaries about family members and coworkers (don't get involved with any of them under any circumstances), but other than that, we're all adults. It would seem to me to be condescending and arrogant to think I know better than my boyfriend does about who is a good partner for him, or for him or my husband to think they know better than I do about who I should be involved with.

Edited to add: I don't do hierarchy, so I don't consider my husband or my boyfriend to be my "primary." Both are my partners, both are very important to me, albeit in different ways and for different reasons.
 
Last edited:
Well, I'm not married to any of my partners, and that probably makes a lot of difference. But my partners have a right to tell me if they are very uncomfortable with someone I'm considering...and if they feel strongly about it, and I can see it may cause issues, and it's early stages...I might heed and not pursue the connection, only because of my desire for them to feel ok.

But ultimately, it's going to be my choice.

And if I already really wanted to pursue something and had pretty much decided I was going to, unless they had very concrete and good reasons not to (beyond "I don't like him")...I would do it anyways.

Unless I had agreed otherwise. And frankly, that is possible.

I cannot imagine wanting to influence or argue my lovers' choices in other partners. I can get along with anyone, though. But if they expect me to ALSO get involved with my metamour, I might take issue with it if said meta is not someone I want to mess around with. Thankfully, Fire's other partners do not assume I'm part of a package with her. It simply doesn't work that way. I can be friends with them...but nothing further is expected.
 
The single word response would be 'No.' Glow does not have a say in who I see, either casually or if a more romantic relationship developed. I do not have a say in who she sees (or would see as she's not actively pursuing other partners although that can change.)

If she started seeing someone I thought was problematic, I would tell her what I thought, once, and then let her figure out what she wanted to do. If I had to avoid that person, I would (which admittedly would be easier as we don't live together). I hope if I started seeing someone she didn't care for, she would tell me and I would use then that information how I saw fit. If she gave me a warning about someone, I suspect I would take it very seriously because she has good judgment. She might well notice something I hadn't. That, however, is different than letting her discomfort essentially decide if I see someone or not.

Is your partner unhappy about your choice of partners? Or unhappy that you are choosing at all? In other words, is he unhappy that you are seeing anyone at all?
 
Honestly this sounds more like a "I don't want you to see anyone else but I won't admit it", unless there are other partners you've had that he didn't object to?

(Neither Artist or Knight have any sort of veto over my partners - Knight might say he didn't want someone in the house or around our Small Person, but that's never _actually_ happened.)
 
Hi loloinwonderland,

With my partner, it's not so much that she would tell me who I could and couldn't see; rather, it's that she would want to know what was going on and be kept up to speed. Other people may do differently; there's no rule that says whether your primary has a say in who you hook up with (presuming the two of you are open/poly). You just have to talk that over and work it out; decide on a set of boundaries you can both agree to. (If you can't do that, you may need to break up.)

My basic take on your situation is that if your primary indicates he doesn't like your choice of new partners, you can ask him why and then say, "I appreciate your concerns, I will take them into account." Then go ahead and see the new person anyway, unless you decide for yourself that it's not a good idea. In other words, the final decision is up to you and doesn't depend on what he thinks.

You should probably find out whether he can agree to those terms, though.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
loloinwonderland said:
My partner and I have been in an open relationship for a year and a half, so this is still pretty new to us. We generally have a really good open dialog about our relationship as well as our others. My problem is this, he often has a negative reaction to the people I am interested in seeing. To be fair, some of them are people we see regularly/are our friends, so I completely understand why he would have hesitations about me getting involved with them.
Click to expand...

Some people request their partners don't date their family members. For me, close friends are chosen family. I can see that neither my gf nor I would want to date close friends of ours, in case the romance went awry and we both lost a dear friend.

But he also has a tendency of writing people off quickly. I want to be respectful of his feelings, but I also feel like he has too much say in who I see. I also think it is hypocritical of him to try to tell me who to I can or can not see, when he has hooked up with people I didn't really like. I'm not sure what to do in this situation.
Do ya'll discuss who you see with your partners? How much say, if any, do they have in your other relationships?
Click to expand...

As others have said, no, your primary does not get to veto your other relationships! Either at the beginning of you dating them, or somewhere down the road. If he thinks others you chose are sketchy, or gross, or whatever, if you trust his judgment, you might want to check your own taste levels. But if it's just coming from jealousy, or a paternalistic effort to "protect" you from someone, feel free to thank him for his concern, assure him you will take it into account, and then go do you. It's your life.
 
Do ya'll discuss who you see with your partners? How much say, if any, do they have in your other relationships?
Click to expand...

There's a certain group of people I have on my "messy people" list. I would not want DH dating my mother, sister, boss, kid's teacher, etc. Dating these people would create a weird dynamic. I don't need to be harassed or fired because he and his GF have a fight and she's my boss. YKWIM?

There's enough people to date in the world without going after the "messy" ones. I also would not date his relatives, his boss, etc that could be messy for him.

Past that? I don't think it is his business who I want to date or sleep with. He cannot tell me what to do. Just as I cannot tell him.

It IS his business to ask who I've been with since we were last together, since he has to maintain his sex health. Then he has full information before he consents to engage with me or not. Same for me.


I want to be respectful of his feelings, but I also feel like he has too much say in who I see. I also think it is hypocritical of him to try to tell me who to I can or can not see, when he has hooked up with people I didn't really like. I'm not sure what to do in this situation.
Click to expand...

I suggest you tell him you hear his concerns and will take it under consideration. Then after you consider it? If you think it isn't a problem? Date the person if you want to.

He doesn't have to love every person you date. Just like you don't have to love every person he dates.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
For me, it's always been a matter (going both ways) of "no vetos, but input is good."

We might say "I heard something you might want to discuss" or "I don't get much for positive vibes," but only once or twice because we assume we're reasonable adults.
 
We have a messy list - coworkers, family members, people we dislike intensely. However, none of us are currently open to new partners. I have agreed to being closed and not dating, but in the past, my guys have not been involved in my search for new partners.
 
No they can express an opinion but the final choice is mine.

They have the choice to keep me as a partner or not.
 
No, we don't consult each other about who we date. If I felt it would cause drama I would not date that person. Mary wants me to hook up with this guy named Mac who she use to see but Nate wouldn't like it and he's another friend's ex so I'd rather avoid drama. Likewise Nate has not started things with certain people if I really didn't like them
 
Ravenscroft said:
For me, it's always been a matter (going both ways) of "no vetos, but input is good."

We might say "I heard something you might want to discuss" or "I don't get much for positive vibes," but only once or twice because we assume we're reasonable adults.
Click to expand...
Dagferi said:
No they can express an opinion but the final choice is mine.

They have the choice to keep me as a partner or not.
Click to expand...
While I'm not really open for partner-level relationships anymore, myself (not just poly, relationships in general; mono/closed styles have always been, and continue to be, right out for me), this just about sums up my feelings on the matter, too.
 
I have a say in my husband's relationships. I won't discourage someone without a good reason though. My main concern in all of his relationships is our kids. If I feel a person will cause an issue for them then I ask him not to see someone. I always get to know the person before making that call. To date there have been two people I didn't want him to see. The first didn't want him to acknowledge that we were married and wanted him to leave our kids at home while going out with hers. (He felt The same way on this one). The second took great care to be careful in front of him but would yell at our youngest for stupid stuff. Those types of relationships are toxic.
 
If we have concerns, we discuss them. We've always been able to find a workable solution so far. We don't want drama, and we don't want anyone we're seeing to damage our relationship. No one else has been so compelling that we'd risk our own relationship for one with them. Stressing it temporarily can be managed, but we'll both protect our relationship if another person is causing a serious, ongoing problem. On the other hand, if someone is a positive influence, we'll encourage and nurture each other and that partner.

We decided to break off with one person because we learned they were violating our ethical principles - sad, because we really liked them otherwise. With others we've occasionally toned things down when they got uncomfortable for one of us, but those were temporary changes and did not result in ending any relationships.
 
Short answer: no.

Caveat: I love these people and respect their opinions and would probably listen to them over my hormone-soaked brain if they thought someone would be bad for me.

Longer answer: I might (and have) asked for thoughts on a prospective datee to decide whether to pursue something, and I prefer to practice kitchen-table poly, so someone who can't get along with my partners isn't going to make it long with me. I'm also 100% confident that my partners support polyamory generally and aren't voicing concerns out of self-interest, so while they don't "get a say" in who I date, they're certainly welcome to voice concerns or opinions. But at the end of the day, I'm the one making the decisions.
 
Nope. However, I don't have a "primary" because I believe that a hierarchy has no place in loving relationships. I only practice egalitarian solo poly. Polyamory doesn't require having a "primary" and "secondaries," so don't assume that every poly person has a primary.

My body, my life, my decision. Period.

I am a good judge of character. I respect the people I get involved with, and accommodate their wishes as best as I can, but I'm the only one in charge of deciding who I fuck. My lovers don't even meet each other. I keep my relationships separate, and when I'm with someone, they have my full attention -- so, other than knowing that I practice safer sex, why would they care who else I get it on with?

Why the hell would I allow someone else to try and control how and with whom I share love and express my sexuality? Makes no sense. I'm my own person. No one is the boss of me, but me.
 
Last edited:
Bloom and I try to meet all of each other's partners, whether before or after the fact.

But that's because we're married and both trying to make new friends, and because we're always trying to enhance our relationship via our relationships (and relations) with others.
 
The "messy" list is perfectly stated. This list might be different for different situations, but there certainly are relationships that have a much greater chance of causing major headaches if started for all of us.

My husband an I are not in a great place right now, but it has nothing to do with him interfering with my choice of partners, of whom there have been quite a few. But if he had a reason he needed to express, which he has not done, I would certainly listen.

Each of us has different goals for our relationships. Mine is to stay married to my husband who I love deeply. If I took the position that I'll do whatever I want, whenever I want, and how I want, and you can just leave if you can't accept it, I would be asked to leave in a New York second.

If your husband is finding issues with the majority of guys you are seeing, there is for sure something he is not sharing that you need to get to the bottom of.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top