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Yeah... I was saying, well you should find a kinky wife! And he just kinda looked at me. Then later I said something about whether he would continue to cheat on her were they to marry and have kids... and again, no comment. Hmph. I tried to draw him out about his culture on the first date too, wondering how Americanised he was.

Damn he had a great cock and a nice sexual style.

No word from Punk. I texted New Guy and he said he was tied up and would get back to me soon, but he never did. I am missing Pixi (and so is our dog). It's been a rough day. I have a headache.
 
I had a headache all night despite taking pain meds. I have had some pain ever since I took the dog hiking on Sunday. I felt great during our walk, which really wasn't all that strenuous of a trail. But I hadn't attempted going there in several months. It was so great to be there, and the dog was in 7th heaven. But now I am suffering. I have this neck issue that the chiro can do nothing for. It just seems to be a permanent condition. I think I need to ask my PCP for something stronger for the headaches.

Maybe the pain was exacerbated by my stressful day yesterday.

Around 10:30 last night I texted new guy again. He responded a minute later and said he was "still tied up." But he did say we definitely are still on for today's lunch.

I've half a mind to ask my friend Teddy to come to dinner on Friday or Saturday, but I have no idea if and when Punk will be wanting to come visit... No word from him all day yesterday, despite me sending him a text kiss. I should probably just see if Teddy is free.

The dog is going nuts missing Pixi. She was so annoying the whole time Arjun was here... let me out! let me in! bark bark! feed me! let me out again! And shoving her head into our laps for petting, but just acting anxious and pushy when we did pet her. I even gave her 2 good walks in our neighborhood, morning and evening, and it didn't seem to calm her down any.

Now, when Pixi gets home Sunday, she won't be here long. Last February she bought 3 tickets and a car and a tent camping pass to this music fest in NY State that she goes to every year. It starts Thursday night. So she will probably leave Wednesday!

I know I am not up to it. Did I talk about this already? Anyway, I am going to make her take her darn dog with her. The dog can stay at her parents.' I can't take the stress. I miss Pixi and I've got this anxious annoying dog on my hands day and night.

Pixi hopes to sell 2 of her tickets and one of the camping passes, but she doesn't have actual tickets in hand, it's all electronic box office pickup shit. So she's got to go. I knew this summer was going to be hard. Next year I am going to not let her go to the music fest. It's just too much, what with 4 1/2 weeks of camp counseling also planned.

If only I still had the fun of the new relationship with Arjun going, this would all be easier to take.
 
I made my day get better.

Teddy is still in Paris. He's been there for a course, and been posting nice pix on FB, but I thought he was back. Nope, not yet.

I talked to New Guy and he said his aunt is very sick with cancer (! what the hell !) and so they are all attending to her. So, our meeting is up in the air for a while.

Sheesh. Cancer everywhere. I hope I don't have it. That would be too ironic.

I texted Punk, asked how he was holding up, what was going on? He wrote right back. He said he and his dad are holding up "surprisingly well," but they will probably crash after the wake. That will be Friday, and there will be no funeral, which surprised me very much. But then he had to run, take his dad to the funeral home to sign papers.

I said, "OK, I love you, babe." And he said, "Love you too." Finally! And that he'd be in touch soon.

Well, I felt better having a little communication from people. And then, when the going gets tough, the tough go shopping. Took myself on a little road trip, poked around in several second hand stores, and had a Chinese lunch while I was at it. That cheered me up. I listened to a lot of NPR in the car, such a cray week in the news, what with all the shootings and Brexit/new PM, etc. Kinda makes my little relationshippy things seem less important.

My fortune cookie said something about being optimistic, so I am taking that as a sign.
 
I saw Punk last night for a couple hours. It was tough. In some ways, he is relieved. His body is more relaxed and in less pain than it has been in 2 years. He and his dad are talking more. His dad wants him to stay on at the house. His mom had assured him his Dad would kick him out once she was gone. Wha a fucking bitch.

But Punk is terribly sad she's gone, and feeling guilty for being relieved, etc., etc.

I let him vent, and cooked him dinner. He stayed 2 hours. He invited me to the wake. So, this will be my first time meeting his family. All at once. At a wake. That will be tomorrow evening. He said some of them are "curious" about me.

In other news, I had a text from a guy I dated back several years ago. He and I got along well in some ways. In other ways, not so much. He was rather repressed about sex, and more focused on a certain kink. I overwhelmed him at the time. So now it's been, maybe 4,5 or 6 years, I don't remember, since we've met. We have chatted from time to time over the years, since we last met. He has still been thinking about me and wanting to take me on, with all his newfound experience with sexual things. Heh. He is also into music and vintage/retro stuff. He sent me some jpegs of him singing his original songs. I liked them. We talked about old TV shows and collecting things. He has also lost a lot of weight on his journey into maturity, and grown a nice looking beard. He's 33. He is very easy to talk to, very sweet, and he offered me a massage when I told him about my back. He has lots of experience in the kinky community, and I don't have to educate him about poly. I did like him as a person, so I am going to meet up with him on Saturday and see how it goes. He lives in the Boston area, not super close by, so we will see how practical this is.
 
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I went to see my son on Thursday and we spent hours floating in the lake near his house on noodles. And we had a picnic I brought. It was soooo relaxing and refreshing. Lovely day. It helped to forget my troubles for a while and just chat with my laid back son. He told me all about playing Pokemon Go.

Yet, I was kinda tense that evening, and yesterday before I left for the wake... I got all dolled up in my black dress, did a full hair and makeup. Wanted to make a good impression on his family. Once I actually got on the road, I felt better.

I got there about 15 minutes after it started. Open casket. I signed the book and passed by Mom on my way to Punk who stood at the head of the receiving line. So odd to first see his mom when she's lying there dead. :rolleyes:

So he was super glad to see me. He sure looked handsome in his new black suit and green plaid tie. He introduced me to his dad who stood next to him. His dad mumbled some pleasantry or other. There was a huge crowd of family there already, so I could barely hear him over their loud voices and laughter.

I offered my sympathies, moved down the line, shook hands with an aunt and uncle. Then I sort of wondered what to do. Punk was busy with more and more guests. I stood nearby but didn't want to just stand in the receiving line with him! After a few minutes, he introduced me to an old friend of his that showed up. But then she wandered down the line too. I finally sat down for a bit and just chilled. After a few more minutes Punk came to me, and I asked him to take me to look at the photo montages in an adjoining room.

Punk was acting chipper enough. He showed me the pix and we talked about them a little. Then he said I didn't need to stay if I didn't want to. I said, I will stay as long as you need me to, if it helps! You don't have any siblings for support like I did. He said then with big smiles how great his dad had been, how they are suddenly closer than ever. Talking and working together. His mom really didn't make that possible, since she was such a narcissist, and kept them both serving her. Yet, he said, indicating the pix of his parents' wedding, it was a real love story. Hm.

Punk was seeming very optimistic about his future now. He wants to get on SSI because of his various physical and mental issues and his therapist is helping hook him up. He is definitely qualified. And then he will use the money to go back to school and get some marketable skills. Other jobs he's done in the past are impossible because of his permanent injuries from his mail carrying accident.

His dad was cute. Very short, only 5' even, but cute and in good shape. Maybe he'll find a nicer woman eventually! He's only 60.

So, Punk went back to the line. I wandered out for a cig, came back in, found some ice water. (It's in the 90s this week.) Then I sat down and watched Punk. Finally there was a gap in arriving guests so I went to him and he held out his arm to me and I snuggled in. He said, it was really OK if I left now. He was sure I was bored. He was bored. He said there was going to be a reception afterwards at his aunt's place. He didn't want to go (he really doesnt like most of his relatives, they are all conservatives) but of course, he had to go.

So he walked me out to my car. I said, well, you've gotta eat. And by the way, how is your stomach these days? (Remember he suffered from IBS.) He said, Well, I guess my psychiatrist was right. He hasn't suffered from it since his mom died and stopped yelling at him.

Being raised by a narcissist is the pits.

He said his dad wants to start getting rid of his mom's clothes tomorrow (today). I guess they both feel better keeping busy. Punk is again torn. He wants another chance to "get away," be in nature, yet he is being protective of his dad's feelings. And I can't go with him anywhere, for a few days, since I am seeing my old friend today (need a nickname for him... OK, let's say Steve), and Pixi is coming home tomorrow and I will only have 3 days with her before she goes away again! Ugh, poly can get weird sometimes. I think I will have him over maybe Tuesday night. He and Pixi like each other and I am sure she wants to give him hugs.

So, now to go get ready for my afternoon date with Steve. He has been told all about the recent shit that went down with Arjun, and Punk's mom. He is being very kind (in text) and promises to give me a good time today, make me laugh, make me feel good and relax.
 
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Well, my evening with Steve went very well! It was only about a 40 minute drive, not too bad. We spent 4 1/2 hours together.

I hadn't remembered how long it had been since we first dated. Turns out Steve remembered exactly: it was way back in 2009! Oh, the changes we had both been through. There was a lot of catching up to do.

We chatted for over an hour to start. He is very interesting and intelligent and offbeat, just my kind of person. He had a cute apartment he shares with a gay male couple, but their rooms are at the opposite end of the apartment. I could hear them in there playing music when I went to the bathroom, but didn't see them. He also had a lovely female kitty who sat on my lap a lot. I love kitties!

We had a good 2 hours of smexy time, 2 separate sessions. I really appreciated that, since it had been 10 days since my threesome with Punk and Arjun. And Pixi and I hadn't really time or energy for sex on her quick visit last weekend. So, it was fantastic to have the good hot sex. He had said he'd give me a massage, but like so often happens with men, as soon as they see my boobs, the back massage is forgotten hehe. He was a very giving intense Toppy lover, there was a lovely variety of activities and kinky stuff. I ended up getting a back massage as aftercare though, which was a perfect way to top things off.

He's really quite good looking too. His black trimmed beard has white on the chin, which makes him look about 40, altho his skin is nice and firm and smooth, since he is really only 33. His head is shaved bald, it was a cool fashionable look. He has huge green eyes and a great flourish of eyebrows, and lots of curly touchable body hair too. I haven't been with a man with body hair in like forever! All the men I've dated in recent years have been almost as hairless as girls.

He told me he is seeing a girl, but he doesn't think of it as a relationship, more of a FWB thing. She comes over, then she goes. He did have a more serious relationship with another woman since we'd last met, but they had to end it amicably since she wanted to settle down and have kids, and he is not interested in being a dad.

Steve said he had fun too, and I am thinking I will go to see him again next weekend while Pixi is in NY. He likes to cook. Maybe we can cook dinner together. And he promised to play his guitar and sing me his songs next time too. Although he starts his second round of chemo on the 21st... Poor guy. He was only diagnosed 2 months ago. So, we will see how he is feeling. He does use cannabis for the side effects of his illness and treatment, so that's good, it helps him a lot. Medical MJ is legal in our state, even though there are no dispensaries yet, so you still have to get it black market.

to be continued...
 
So, before I left to go on my date, I texted Punk Steve's name and address, just so someone would know where I was. He texted back, have fun!

After my date, I texted Punk from the car to tell him it all went well and I was on my way home. An hour or so after I got home, Punk texted, "Yay!" And so I asked him how he was doing.

"Shitty," he said. I said, "Did you go through your mom's stuff? Are relatives taking anything? Can I help you with bagging things up for donation?"

Then he told me he needs to take a break. Not for long, just a week or two. He needs to just take care of his own needs, and "define where he ends and others begin." He is enjoying the new relationship with his dad very much. Also, his best friend asked him to help him with some contracting work, so he's going to do that this week. He said he'd text me once that job was done, and see if he was done "moping about his freedom" enough to be with me again.

Unlike poor FeatherFool's situation, I was glad Punk was able to respectfully articulate his needs for right now. I am glad he had the ability to draw a little boundary about seeing me for just now. I do miss him a lot though! :( It's a whole new fresh start for his life, and I am sure it will be a healthier life, and that should hopefully make our relationship even better.
 
It's been a week since Punk texted me. I am torn whether to just let him be, or send him a nice message.

Pixi was home for 3 days, unpacked from camp, repacked for her trip to NY for her music fest. She will be back late tomorrow or on Monday. Monday is her birthday so we will go out for a nice dinner.

She was invited to go teach archery at her camp this coming week. Unexpected extra work, but she is seeming to be in line for being offered a camp director position. She won't have any other responsibilities this week other than archery. She will even have her own private cabin. I might go visit her.

So, I've been keeping busy with other friends and family. Thursday I went up to the lake to swim with my son again, and it was just as fun as last time. Yesterday I drove down to the RI coast to go to the beach with a female friend and her daughter. We had a blast. I am so thankful my back is feeling good enough to swim again!

Right now K is on her way here for dinner. I made brownies and we will get some Chinese food. Oh, here she is.
 
Fun dinner with K, and we watched Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? after dinner. So spooky.

Today I am going to see Steve again. That should be pleasant.

I am really sad about Punk. I am trying to keep busy so I don't dwell on it too much. He promised he'd get in touch with me around the end of the week, and it's Sunday and nothing. It doesn't feel good being cut off.

This has sure been weird summer.
 
Well, I had another very nice date with Steve. He seemed even more comfortable with me and is just so kind and giving and wanting to know how to please me, and to show me how to please him.

He played 2 of his original songs for me when I first got there, as promised, one of which he'd just composed this week. Very impressive, and very pleasant. Lovely tenor voice. He's been playing guitar and drums and writing songs since he was 14.

We had a great long cuddle after sex and kink activities. Unlike most of the men I've dated lately (Punk and Arjun, and the other casual things I had last year), he just stayed naked and we snuggled and talked for quite a while. Everyone else seems to leap up after 5 minutes, and get dressed and want to chat out in the living room for some reason. So the relaxed naked chat was super nice. He is funny and laid back and self deprecating and very smart, with a wide range of interests.


By the way, he thinks I am beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, and my reappearance in his life is a "fantasy come true" for him. So, he seems quite in the grip of NRE, which is enjoyable and fun.

I ended up texting Punk just before I went out to see Steve. Just said, "I am thinking about you a lot." Sadly, I got no response. This is the first time he's ever gone back on his word to me. He had said he'd message me at the end of the week, and now it is the start of a new week.

My only contact has been looking at his Instagram, where he posted a couple of gorgeous sunset pix this past week. And today he posted a pic of himself with a new power tool in his shop. At least I know he is alive, working on projects and going for walks.

I am guessing he is off sex and is afraid I'd be disappointed.

Pixi is on her way, driving home from upstate NY. It's her birthday. She will be away at camp for MY birthday in a couple weeks. Grrr... My life is all upside down.

I wouldn't mind if any readers want to offer me some sympathy.

I've been texting with Arjun just a little bit, since he requested to remain friends. He told me his gf has ghosted on him, something about "her way or the highway." Nice karma.
 
Aw, I'm sorry Punk is incommunicado, Mags. That sucks. You know, I wish they'd at least just say they needed more time in situations like this. I really don't think that's too much to ask! *sigh*
 
Sorry for how rough everything is going right now. Especially the part about not hearing from Punk! I hate it when people don't get in touch when they say they will—it's so inconsiderate.
 
Sorry Punk has disappeared. Hopefully he'll show back up soon. :(
 
Spork said:
Aw, I'm sorry Punk is incommunicado, Mags. That sucks. You know, I wish they'd at least just say they needed more time in situations like this. I really don't think that's too much to ask! *sigh*
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I know, that is all he would have to say! He claims to love me (in a certain way), so it would be nice if he could reach out just a tiny bit.

Reverie said:
Sorry for how rough everything is going right now. Especially the part about not hearing from Punk! I hate it when people don't get in touch when they say they will—it's so inconsiderate.
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I know he's grieving, but would it be so hard to just say "Hi, I am still really struggling. I miss you too, but I don't feel I'd be good company." I am sure he is thinking that. Can't he just say it?

icesong said:
Sorry Punk has disappeared. Hopefully he'll show back up soon. :(
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Thank you all so much for commenting! I've been struggling lately and it has felt like I am blogging into a void. I get envious of all the people commenting on GirlfromTexlahoma's blog. lol

Thanks again!
 
Lol!!! People comment on mine because I'm a train wreck :rolleyes:

Having said that, I'll offer advice anyway ;)

I am guilty of doing the radio silence thing way too often. I do it to pretty much everyone except Andy, well, he lives here so it's hard to ignore him.

It's usually because I don't want to inflict my depressing, buzzkill self on people. Even though I know they love me and they want to help, I feel like I'm just ruining everybody's day if I spill my sad into their lives. So on the days I can't even halfway fake normalcy, I hide. I worry that even saying, I'm a mess, I need space, will make people worry.

It doesn't hurt to keep reaching out, as long as you do it in a way that's like, I get it if you need time, but I'm here. He may need time but be scared to say it. He may need someone to talk to but be scared to ask.
 
Awww Magdyln, I'm sorry you're struggling. You seem so together and ok with what's going on that I don't ever feel like you need the communication, but I should remember that we all need validations from time to time.

It sucks greatly that punk is incommunicado but especially since it is a time when generally one would think that you would want a partner's support.
 
Magdlyn said:
I know he's grieving, but would it be so hard to just say "Hi, I am still really struggling. I miss you too, but I don't feel I'd be good company." I am sure he is thinking that. Can't he just say it?
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It doesn't make sense to me, either, especially not since he invited you to the wake. It's like, it would be one thing if he were to say "I need to grieve alone—I'll get in touch when my head is on straighter," but it seems like he invited you into that process with him and then just withdrew. :confused:

Magdlyn said:
Then he told me he needs to take a break. Not for long, just a week or two. He needs to just take care of his own needs, and "define where he ends and others begin." He is enjoying the new relationship with his dad very much. Also, his best friend asked him to help him with some contracting work, so he's going to do that this week. He said he'd text me once that job was done, and see if he was done "moping about his freedom" enough to be with me again.
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Maybe that's what this ^^ was: his way of saying that. Maybe, because he cares about you, in his grief he keeps offering more than he can actually keep up with (inviting you to the wake, saying he'll get in touch at the end of the week) and is just hoping you'll understand when he can't follow through with including you in his life right now. It's SHITTY, but I know everyone deals with grief in their own way.

So, is he done with the job? The part I bolded concerns me. Is it possible that, now that he is "free" of an overbearing mother, he just wants to have total freedom from women for a while? It's the "if" in there that bothers me...

Either way, if he hasn't gotten in touch by the two-week point, I believe you have the right to call him out and remind him of what he said, and request some kind of status update. It's unfair of him to keep you hanging in limbo past the time he said he would.

Magdlyn said:
Thank you all so much for commenting! I've been struggling lately and it has felt like I am blogging into a void. I get envious of all the people commenting on GirlfromTexlahoma's blog.
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You're welcome. Once in a while I feel that way too. Not super recently, but there have been times when I've be struggling about something and hoping that people will have something to say to me—kind words of sympathy or empathy, a wake-up bitch-slapping telling me that I need to change my thinking about it, something. Because when I've gotten any/all of those in the past, it's helped me work through stuff. But ::crickets::

People just get busy sometimes, and also, you often seem so together that probably they divert their writing time/resources where they perceive the greatest need. :cool:
 
Magdlyn said:
Thank you all so much for commenting! I've been struggling lately and it has felt like I am blogging into a void. I get envious of all the people commenting on GirlfromTexlahoma's blog. lol

Thanks again!
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I know grief is a chaotic mess but yeah, I agree with Reverie to reach out soon. One thing I've been more concerned about with Tails, but there's a smeedge with Mr. Punk also, is that sometimes the turmoil gets to roilin' and we retreat and feed it and have a wallow in it. In my world, this leads to depression, of the nastiest and most destructive sort. Now maybe mom was kind of difficult and everything...but he is still likely to have some difficult feelings. I think that it's the right thing to do, for people who care, to reach out and get in touch with a loved one who is grieving. Don't just leave them alone, sometimes even if they say they want that.

Just my 2 cents though. Maybe he's just really busy and exhausted?? Not feeling very sexy?? Who knows.

About blogging into the void. I sure feel that way sometimes, but I'm ridiculously verbose, I write walls of text, and it's a LOT for people to try and keep up with...so I don't expect 'em to. Mostly I do it to process my thoughts, to chew on ideas. Do I love responses? Oh, certainly. But I don't blame anybody for preferring to comment on the occasional cat picture I post, than my most recent novella about how ooshy gooshy I'm feeling over Zen today. LOL! (Though yesterday I wrote about Thunder in the Mountains, and I hope that gets read 'cause it was a really cool experience.)

I haven't read all of the blogs. But yours is one I follow and keep up with. For what it's worth, the ones I read...I really read. Like every post. So your thoughts aren't going unread, even if I don't always have much input that I think would be helpful, or maybe time to comment. I imagine I'm not the only one.
 
Spork said:
I haven't read all of the blogs. But yours is one I follow and keep up with. For what it's worth, the ones I read...I really read. Like every post. So your thoughts aren't going unread, even if I don't always have much input that I think would be helpful, or maybe time to comment. I imagine I'm not the only one.
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Same here. I love following what's going on in everyone's lives, but I don't comment that much...

Mostly I only post things when I feel I have something helpful to offer. A lot of folks here (including you Magdlyn!) seem to have everything together and not need any help. Others, their situation or dynamic is so different from anything I've ever experienced, I feel out of my depth trying to offer advice.

As for Punk... Grief is different for everyone. And when we don't feel what we assume is the "right" thing to feel, it can lead to self-doubt and shame. It's confusing to process grief mixed with relief... Or desperately missing someone you didn't expect to miss. I'd bet Punk is dealing with both of those.
 
I'm only now starting to catch up on my blog reading. I don't follow many, but I've always appreciated your style. However, I am less likely to comment on blogs with less comments: I figure that the poster probably isn't interested in receiving comments, and maybe everyone knows that except me so I should just keep doing what everyone else is doing. Maybe it's a form of the bystander effect.

And, boy, do I absolutely get the difficulties with "radio silence". I don't have any advice or help to offer, except that you're not alone.

I'm glad Steve is shaping up to be a fun friend. I definitely concur with the wonders of naked cuddling.
 
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