How do I do it?

S

SallyThePumpkinQueen

New member
Hiya, I'm new here and to polyamoury and am just looking for advice and likeminded people to help me work out some feelings.

I kind of fell into polyamoury accidently. It was never something I considered for myself. I met my ex-H as a teenager and we married young. I'd always been bisexual but never had the opportunity to explore it because I married and had children. In my early 30's I met someone online (f) who i instantly felt a massive attraction and connection to. We were both married to men. As time went on we decided to meet (we live a distance apart) and explore our sexuality together. At first both husbands were consenting but as mine realised I was falling in love her told me to choose. I wasn't happy in my marriage and I couldn't walk away from this new person so I chose to end my marriage.

My husband moved out and I met this person several times and we fell in love.

I assumed my new partner would leave their husband too as things progressed (just the way I thought back then) but one day I asked about it and the reply was 'i was hoping we could all live together some day'

I was shocked and upset. I had never encountered polyamoury and I thought the natural progression was for us to be together, alone.

I decided after a while I would try. It was difficult for me. I met the husband in person when i was on a trip. He was lovely.

I just need to point out that this couple had never been involved in poly before either. We all just fell into this situation.

For around 8 months I tried but I couldn't get my head around it. It made it more difficult that we were very far apart and that my new partner came to me as it was easier, so they met my family. Stayed in my house for weeks at a time and became part ofbthe family. Whereas I didnt get the opportunity to integrate into my 'other' family. I felt seperate. Like i wasn't involved at all. It was a family I had no connection with.

We ended up having a big fight 2 months ago and I almost lost my partner.

For the passed 2 months I have been trying so hard. I want to make this work.

Before I was half hearted but now I just want to immerse myself and show myself this is possible.

I just want to learn how to live this life. Its not how I was raised and I've never come across it in real life so it feels so alien to me. But I think we can be a family.

I feel like I need to make a connection with the husband. But I don't know how. Due to distance we feel so seperate.

I don't want to be a seperate thing from them both. I want to be one family.
 
You are in a tough situation. In order to continue this relationship with this person you value highly, you need to get your head around the concept of polyamory.

So your partner would like you all to live together one day. Is that what you really want yourself? The thought seems to cause you stress, since there is no connection between you and her husband. Do you know for sure that the husband wants to live with you? If he has done nothing so far to have a connection with you, maybe he is not that keen...

It is okay to want to cohabit - heck, I do cohabit with both of my partners, and love it! However, it is not always realistic.

In your case, I would put the idea of moving in together in the back burner and concentrate in building a strong relationship with your partner first. Get used to the idea that she has a husband and is not going to be mono with you. You live far apart as it is, and maybe that is how the life will go on for some time. Is that okay to you?

Your partner is part of your family, and that is fine. You do not need to become a part of her other family, and definitely it is not a good idea to try to force it to happen. Maybe your partner can have two separate families for now - that is the reality anyway right now. Why not try to build your relationship based on facts now and not (her) dreams for future?
 
Cohabiting will be well down the line. So yes, the issue is more making a connection with the husband.

We talk and he is totally open to it. He wants his wife to be happy and he is a really nice guy.

I'm a very shy person and it's hard for me to make small talk. The distance is an issue between me and him because there is no opportunity to get to know each other well.

Yes. I do want to do this.

My reservations spanned over a year. It took me that long to see that this IS most definitely what I want. To be with my partner and I understand that they need him in their life too. I think we can be happy.

I just don't know how to bridge the gap from seperate lives to getting to be more involved.

It's been over 18 months now and its took that time to realise that this is how I want things to be.

I've not rushed into it. Its taken a lot of thought.
 
Have you made any plans on how to get geographically closer to them? I assume you are the one planning to relocate, not them - correct me if I am wrong.

My advice is to get a place of your own close to theirs - in the neighborhood, or at least in the same city. That way you have a better opportunity to get to know the husband, and vice versa. Also, then you all would have the time needed for making the connection and doing all the planning necessary.
 
I agree with Nadya about trying to get your own place closer to them. Also, figure out the parameters of this open relationship. Is your girlfriend cool with you dating others? Is this something you want? Is there a hierarchy in place? Does her husband get any say in your relationship with her? What are the expectations of privacy between the three of you? If you lived closer, how much time would you guys want to actually spend with each other? How much time would you want to all hang out together? You've already been stung once by having unstated assumptions about one another and how you do relationships, together and more widely. Now is an excellent time to make sure each of you is on the same page. :)

In your shoes I would keep my options open. Cohabiting with her and her husband may or may not work out for the three of you. It might be your girlfriend's ideal, but you and he might get on well as friends, but not as roommates. Or you might not get on at all. Or you might feel like you need your own space further down the line. So try not to be focused on the living together thing as being the goal, but rather to achieve more integration in her day to day life. Meeting her family. Being a more frequent visitor. That kind of thing. Enjoy what you have with her, but don't pressure yourself (or be pressured by her) to move this thing towards cohabitation for any reason other than because it's welcomed by all involved. Who knows? Life has a tendency to thrown us curveballs. You might meet someone else. You might develop a taste for a more flexible independent living arrangement. You and she might figure out the best solution is for her to have two houses: one with you, one with him. There are many options out there so don't close yourself off to them without some deeper thinking.
 
Polyamory is tough to get used to when you're new to the idea. Adding to that is the equally rough scenario of a long distance relationship!

So many people these days seem to get into LDRs because we join a board or a FB group, or an online game, and end up becoming emotionally intimate with someone. But this person who seems so much a part of our life, is hundreds or even thousands of miles away!

You also have children who are perhaps still school age, and you might have shared custody with your ex husband? That adds another degree of difficulty to your gf's idea of all living together, you, her and her husband.

You say your gf has visited you more than once for a few weeks at a time. It's great her h is so supportive of this... perhaps she doesn't have kids who need her at home. You say it's "easier" for her to visit you. But it seems to me, if you want to pursue a long term relationship with her, at the very least, you need to go visit her and meet her husband and see if there is truly potential for all of you to get along with a view to eventual cohabitation.

You can't know if you and gf are truly compatible until you spend a lot more time together. LDRs can extend the period of new relationship energy (NRE) for much longer than it does with a local lover. Every time you meet, you are thrilled to see each other after longing for the other's presence for months at a time. Day to day relationships allow us to get to know our new partner more quickly and deeply, and the rose colored glasses come off and you know if it's a real thing and not just infatuation.

And your husband left you. You're alone, perhaps lonely, perhaps horny... you want dates and touch. But your lover is so far away!

Quick personal story: When my 30 year marriage was circling the drain, I "fell in love" with a guy I "met" online in a hobby group. He was 1000 miles away. We never did meet, it was all just so unrealistic. I also had 3 kids I could not uproot. He and I "broke up" after feeling we loved each other for about 6 months. It was rough, I won't deny it.

Once I recovered from the breakup, I found that it was so much better to join the dating site OK Cupid and meet people who were 25 miles or less away from me. I met a lovely woman just a few months after my husband and I separated, and we've been together now for over 7 years. She and I are both bi and poly. (I always was at heart, but never thought it was a possibility to actually practice polyamory until I separated and divorced my ex h. By then, the new poly movement had been born and guide books about it written.) We not only have each other, but we both also have or have had bfs as well.

I'd recommend taking a good hard look at the practicalities of your LDR (not just the yummy romantic sexy stuff), decide what you really want, what is practical to do (what with the kids and all), and make a plan. Seems like first and foremost, you should go visit your gf and meet her husband. You do not have to ever cohabitate with them, but there's a chance you could live closer together and see your gf a LOT more often, IF you decide to go for moving closer together.
 
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I definitely do not want to date anyone else. I am committed to my GF 100%. They don't want anyone else in their lives. This isn't a life any of us anticipated. None of us were looking for this. It just happened.

I can't move over there. I have four children and I can't afford, as a single parent, to be flying there and I don't have the childcare means to do so either.

It is a difficult situation but I feel our goal is not impossible. Eveyone expected us to fail at each hurdle but we have pushed through each time.

When my partner moves here the plan is for me to stay in my own home. Them in theirs, for a time until my children are grown. Then, maybe, if it suits, I will move in with them. But not immediately.

They always wanted to live here anyway. So it won't be a massive sacrifice for them.

Right now I just want to firge more of a friendship with the husband. We are both quiet people (GF is not!) And I think we have both found that socialisation hard.

I know people think that I'm just lonely or clinging to this because my husband left...(I left him actually) but it's not that. I'm 31 years old. I've never felt this way about anybody. I went through my whole life just feeling like there was nothing more for me than being a mother and having an unfulfilled marriage. Then i found my partner and I came to life.

I don't want anyone else. I wouldnt have ended my marriage for anyone else. This is as real as it can get.
 
My family have been completely supportive. Of me comibg out and of my partner. When i told them we were planning to all be a family together I expected them to be shocked. But all they want is for me to be happy. They make me happy.
 
SallyThePumpkinQueen said:
When my partner moves here the plan is for me to stay in my own home. Them in theirs, for a time until my children are grown. Then, maybe, if it suits, I will move in with them. But not immediately.

They always wanted to live here anyway. So it won't be a massive sacrifice for them.
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Sounds like a good plan to me. Is there a timeframe for them moving?

Right now I just want to firge more of a friendship with the husband. We are both quiet people (GF is not!) And I think we have both found that socialisation hard.
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So... could he join on the next visit, or part of it? Could they perhaps stay in a hotel and look at possible places to live in your area? And you socialize with activities, like playing boardgames or taking the kinds to the zoo or whatever?
Or, could your husband take over the kinds for a week or two so that you can go visit them?

Also, how do you deal with jealousy, are you ok?
(In my experience, jealousy makes joyful socialization extra hard.)
 
Yes. The plan is for him to come too at some point. The time frame is long. They have a child too and it isn't possible to just up and move. We are talking maybe 5 years here. Which is ok with me. I'd rather take things slow than them move over immediately and it not work due to rushing!

Jealously was my main problem. I can't say it's completely gone but I've been working so hard on it.

It's hard going from know nothing but monogamy to sharing a partner. I really did struggle with it, especially the sexual side of things. But I am much better at dealing with it and understanding and challenging where my jealousy comes from.
 
When my Significant Other was still long distance we all joined a multiplayer online game and had skype up as we played so that he and my husband could hang out together. Is there some online activity that you could share with your partner's husband?

Leetah
 
Leetah said:
When my Significant Other was still long distance we all joined a multiplayer online game and had skype up as we played so that he and my husband could hang out together. Is there some online activity that you could share with your partner's husband?

Leetah
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Hey! That is a really good idea! I'm definitely going to suggest that. Thankyou.
 
Oh! So they plan on moving here! But maybe not for years? 5 years until they move, or 5 years until you think you'd be ready to cohabitate?

I was going to suggest Skyping with your gf and her husband, but also playing a game would be fun and maybe less awkward.
 
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Yeah! About 5 years till the move.

My kids are all still small and I want to have my own home whilst they are living with me so we will be back and forth between houses. That is the plan anyway.
 
I suggest finding an activity or hobby that you and the husband both enjoy and doing that together. It's much easier for introverts and quiet people to talk when "talking" isn't what they're "doing." It also makes the quiet periods less awkward. When you focus on something that's relatively mindless, it frees up your mind and takes the pressure off.

It might not be realistic for you to make friends with the husband before they move to town, and it's not a given that you'll ever be friends anyway. "Friendly" sure, any grow-up can pull that off from time to time (though it gets harder when you're under the same roof), but not everyone is compatible for friendship.
 
Hi SallyThePumpkinQueen,

Your girlfriend and her husband, is their intention to move somewhere close to you, then move in with you sometime after that? That's what I would recommend, is moving in together a little at a time.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
So unlike what i read in your OP, you do have a plan. So what's the problem, really? It's going to be 5 years before they even get to your area (if they ever do... 5 years is a long time, lots of things can happen). So there's no rush to befriend the husband.
 
Magdlyn said:
So unlike what i read in your OP, you do have a plan. So what's the problem, really? It's going to be 5 years before they even get to your area (if they ever do... 5 years is a long time, lots of things can happen). So there's no rush to befriend the husband.
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Maybe the 5 years are actually a problem? It's a really long time to keep a relationship 'waiting'.
 
Hi SallyThePumpkinQueen (great username, btw),

I am not clear on whether you are hoping for a triad and to be romantically involved with your gf's husband or just friends with him in a vee. What is she expecting/asking of you? Obviously, forcing yourself to feel romantic with someone you barely know will have a high chance of not working out.
 
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nycindie said:
Hi SallyThePumpkinQueen (great username, btw),

I am not clear on whether you are hoping for a triad and to be romantically involved with your gf's husband or just friends with him in a vee. What is she expecting/asking of you? Obviously, forcing yourself to feel romantic with someone you barely know will have a high chance of not working out.
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I clearly stated I am committed to my GF 100% and don't want anyone else. Especially the husband. He is a nice guy but i could never feel romantically attracted to him. He is not my sort at all.

I just want to forge a friendship with him.
 
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