The Best Life Yet

Interesting things are happening to me on the libido front. Despite being bleeding and crampy, I have been feeling a level of desire for Rider the past few days that has been surprising me. I also even had a sex dream and an orgasm in my sleep! That almost never happens!

I think it is due to my having had a talk to him about my libido post, and him being perfectly happy just doing stuff to him and not being touched myself. After four days of no contact with my bits, I actually got horny. And stayed that way all weekend.

I honestly think that sometimes part of the problem is that if I have sex/orgasms too frequently, I never have time to get really horny. And with Rider wanting to ideally get me off every day (since pleasure service is one of his kinks), if I indulge him doing that then it kills my sense of having any libido or desire. The sex is still good, and I still get into it, but I don't want it before it starts.. But when I make myself off limits for a few days, it gives me space to remember what desire feels like. AND IT FEELS GOOD!

I'd so much rather always wait till I felt that feeling before actually being touched sexually. It makes me feel so much more sexually connected to my partner—so much more animalistically attracted to him. If that takes four days, then so be it!

Another genius idea that I had was to put all of the potential sexual activities we could do into an Excel spreadsheet and set up the random number function, and then do whatever the top few on the list are (as long as we don't object to any in the moment).

As I mentioned here before, I don't mind PHYSICALLY topping someone the way that Rider likes to be topped, but I dread coming up with the ideas of what to do. If I can just leave it up to the magic of math to pick for me, then suddenly sex is a lot more exciting and has a lot less dread attached to it.

Rider was super, super excited by the spreadsheet as well. He loved the idea that that much variety could be a possibility any night we have sex. He keeps IMing me new things to add to the list, haha.

Both of the nights we had sex this weekend (Friday and Sunday—we were too tired from the show Saturday), I was way more turned on and way wetter than I had been in...jeez...months? So...more days in-between where I leave my panties on, and more spreadsheet. FTW!
 
Holy crap. Rider had bought a cookie from the dispensary a few weeks ago that contains ten 10mg doses, and we each had a little 1/10th slice last night and...that was seriously some of the most intense sex I've ever had in my life and all we did was touch each other with hands. Rider said he got into the most intense sub-space he'd ever been in, as I kept getting him right up to the edge and then stopping. And he did "porn assistance" on me as I read an erotica story.

Seriously, I already knew the entire world other than me thought that pot could be an aphrodisiac, but it always made me anxious and anti-social and not want to be touched at all. It made kissing feel like mushing rubber together, and made me dread and curl up at the inevitable moment when the guy I was with would start to turn things sexual. Marijuana and I never really got along. But edibles are a whole new ball game! I'd never have guessed that a bite of cookie the size of a half-dollar could help me have some of the best sex of my life.

It's like...a love amplifier or something. Or like a way to take emotions and directly broadcast them throughout the rest of my body. We went to bed at 11:00—half an hour than we usually do—but we still stayed up past our regular bedtime doing all kinds of fun sexy things. I'm freaking amazed! (And a little sleepy today.)
 
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I have a longer post coming later, but I just wanted to spill out how much I love Rider and Oona and Sam and Mel and Moss and Jake and Perry and Beckett. They all fall in different places on the romantic to platonic spectrum, and on the time-I've-known-them spectrum, and on the how-often-I-get-to-see-them spectrum, but they are all my peeps who live in my heart. <3

I would cuddle all of them fiercely, forever!
 
I'm replying to my impression of your recent posts.

I loved the bit about being able to DO things to Rider without taking your panties off. I am working on this with Dude. He is very penis-oriented. I am not. I love HIM, but am "meh" about penises in general. (Lotus's husband, TT, was very, very good with this concept - so I know it can be done!) Sometimes I just don't. want. to. interact. with. dick! But would like to be sexual/sensual in different ways. (Our fall-back plan - he uses my Magic Wand to get himself off while I touch/kiss him non-genitally.)

As to FEELINGS. Apparently, I am a guy in this respect. My default is "No way. Too complicated." - shut it down, turn it off! The two times in my life when I couldn't help it landed me my two current partners. ("Running from feelings is my cardio.") Really GOOD at turning that shit right the fuck OFF.

And I agree with Rider in the "putting it off" turns it into something bigger than it is sense too (scratch the itch and move on...if you come back THEN explore whether it is worth exploring.) Curiosity can turn into infatuation (in an "absence makes the heart grow fonder" sense).

WORDS are important and symbolic. If we are not using them in the same way then that breeds confusion. I think that Rider and that other chick were wise to not use terminology that they didn't ID with. I have trouble with concepts of LOVE and ROMANCE. I am generally willing to use whatever definition of SEX the other person prefers (my personal definition involves "mucus membranes meeting" - so oral, anal and PIV are "sex" to me but handjobs and dry-humping to orgasm are "sexual" but not "sex" - the "exception that proves the rule" is kissing...:p)

Basically, if an activity can get you pregnant or transmit an STI then it is sex.
 
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I have a lot to do today at work, but I really wanted to update (not that anything big is going on—I just like to keep current) so I'm doing it anyway.

My life has been pretty insanely busy. Wednesday night, Rider and I worked on music. I thought we sounded really good. We went to bed earlier than usual but still ended up staying up past our bedtime having great sex, using the spreadsheet randomizer again (or as Rider calls it "rolling the dice"). Sometimes sex expands to fill the available amount of time, I guess.

Thursday night I wanted to do more music, but I ended up having to work from home all evening because there was some stuff that desperately needed to get done before my bosses returned from their trip. I was glad that I did; it was nice to present stuff to them all wrapped up and ready for them in the morning. Even if I was tired. I did still manage a quickie that night.

Friday night, Rider and I had reserved a hotel room in a neighboring county so that we could be close by for some friends' wedding Saturday morning. We were only a hop and a skip away from an area Rider used to go out when he lived not far away back around the turn of the millennium, and he was very excited to show me his favorite bar there. I was not drinking, but there was a decent band playing, so it was not too boring.

After checking that place out, we wandered around the area on foot, then got tacos, then went to one more bar that had been recommended by a friend. It was a bar that had "played on TV" a bar in a show that we'd watched, so that was interesting. We took some photos. Then we went back to the hotel room and "rolled the dice" again. It's still more fun to have a script to follow than to have to come up with stuff in the moment, but I do have trouble mustering enthusiasm for multiple list items when I am tired.

The wedding Saturday was good. It was the first gay wedding and the first trans wedding I had been to. One of the men was an old friend of Rider's, and we've hung out with the couple a few times, but I don't know them very well. I had a couple glasses of wine and regretted it later when I had a hangover-headache in the middle of the day. That was stupid. It had seemed like a good idea at the time, in the spirit of celebration, but I should know that day-drinking usually comes back to bite me—if I don't KEEP drinking (which I didn't want to do because calories) then I generally feel a bit shit when the buzz wears off.

Rider had been invited to an afternoon BBQ with the band fan club he's a member of. It was kind of a weird situation because someone in the club whose house it was not had invited him, and he'd asked me if I wanted to go. I was on the fence (introversion) but I finally decided that I wanted to go and made a conscious decision to be amped about it. But then it turned out that the person who'd invited him wasn't sure if it was OK if he brought someone, so she had to ask the guy. This all went down on Friday.

So Friday and Saturday, they were taking forever to respond about whether it'd be cool for him to bring me along. Usually significant others are invited to BBQs, but I guess in this case since the guy's place is fancy and he didn't really know Rider, he was taking time to decide. Rider really wanted to go, unless they didn't want me there. He didn't like the idea of involuntarily having to leave me home when we'd planned to spend the day together. I was of two minds. On the one hand, I'd been on the fence about attending in the first place, so it wasn't that big a deal. On the other hand, I'd feel weird about getting excluded from stuff that Rider is included in. Plus, what club wouldn't want me as a member?! :p

In the end, the guy said no, so Rider and I ate part of an edible cookie, but then the guy changed his mind and said yes. But it was too late—we were already on the train to can't-drive-land. So we spent all evening watching nature shows and napping on and off instead. We're invited to the next one, though, I guess, whenever that is. Rider is excited. He's thinking of it as a replacement event for the jam+BBQ that used to be held at Shana and Al's place back in Florida, because apparently musical collaboration there is encouraged. I know he's been looking for something to fill that slot in his life, so I hope that this will be it.

Anyway, we had fun being super-lazy that day after the wedding. We caught up on a lot of sleep that I think we really needed. I felt so refreshed the next morning!

So yesterday I actually had two dates. It was supposed to be only one, but Jason was pressing to see me before we both leave town a bunch, so I squeezed him in for lunch. Lunch with him was nice. I always have a good time with him, but there are still no fireworks. I do like being close to him, cuddly even, but that makeout drive is just not there. I'm not sure if it will develop, or what...I did kiss him a bit, but it wasn't super sparky. It was a fun date though. He rode me on the back of his motorcycle, and we got tacos and coffee, and then we walked around a park with a lake, looking at all the ducks and turtles and such.

When we got back close to my place, he wanted to kiss a bunch right out front, but I felt uncomfortable with the idea of my neighbors being able to peep at me (I live in an apartment building), so I told him that and we took a little walk. The walk was nice. I feel like...maybe if we had an indoor cuddle date, I could warm up to him physically a bit more? If I'm already rabidly sparky with someone, I don't mind PDA, but if I'm still feeling it out, I feel like I need more space to let things unfold than just some ducking into corners and smooching.

When I went inside, Rider told me that we'd been invited to a concert that evening. I probably mentioned this here before, but there's this musical artist that is one of Rider's favorites, and he's already been to see him twice this year and befriended the girl who is his opening act. Actually we are both her friends now on Facebook. Anyway, she messaged him and gave him an invite to her guest list plus one, which was very cool of her. I told him he should totally go and I'd meet up with him after my date.

My second date was with a 29-year-old woman from OKC, Tien. We met at a farmer's market that was biking distance from my place. She picked the place, but it was closer to me. She ended up being about half an hour late due to traffic. She seems really sweet, and I found myself being more attracted to her as the date wore on. I wasn't so much at the beginning, but her personality and the way that she looked at me (curiously, with intelligence flashing in her dark eyes) started to win me over.

Apparently she has made out with but never had sex with a woman before. She is interested in exploring that side of her sexuality now. She is poly and currently lives with a male partner who is 39.

We talked about a lot of stuff—science, adventuring, what we are looking for in a partner, school (she is currently in school), sex...she was curious to hear about some aspects of being with a woman, and I answered her questions to the best of my ability. I told her I didn't feel like the most experienced person, and I'm actually with women so infrequently that I feel like I fall out of practice sometimes. Overall, I had fun and would like to see her again.

Once the date was over, I hopped on my bike and pedaled over to the concert, where Rider had left my ticket with the door guy. I arrived just before the main act went on. It was a good show, and I'm glad that I went. I was EXHAUSTED afterward though. It was past my bedtime by the time I got home, and I'd been doing-doing-doing all day long. Rider still wanted to roll the dice, so we did. I ruled a couple of things out as being too energetic for me at the moment, but we still had fun. I love blowing his mind.

He woke up in the middle of the night unable to sleep, and his getting out of bed to go sit at his computer woke me up because I thought he was just getting up to pee but then he never came back and I got worried he was sick or something, so I went to go find him and he explained, then came back to bed. Then I had trouble falling back to sleep and lay there for some reason recounting the year 2013 and my move to Florida from start to finish—I have no idea why that's what my brain glommed onto, but it did. Finally we both fell back to sleep, but I woke still kind of tired.

This week is going to be insane. I have a ton of work to do, and then my schedule is this:

Mon - Pilates
Tues - Hang with Oona
Wed - Music and hair dye night
Thu - Concert tickets
Fri–Sun - Beckett is in town and who knows when we're meeting up

I am exhausted just thinking about it. I really have more stuff to write about, but I am just going to list topics here as a sort of reminder and hope I eventually get around to having the time. Today sadly just had to be a basic update of events instead of anything more thoughtful.

1. How dimples-girl unfriended me for being too busy
2. My progress toward my "I'm learning to take better care of myself" affirmation
3. Being prone to bloating for no apparent reason and its effect on my self-image
4. My Trump-related Facebook screed yesterday and response to it
5. Rider hearing back from someone on OKC finally
6. The messages I got from Guy1 from the double-first-date day
7. A new guy I've been talking to on OKC
8. My ongoing messages with another girl on OKC who is coincidentally from my hometown

So much to say, so much to do, so little time...
 
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Reverie said:
...

1. How dimples-girl unfriended me for being too busy
2. My progress toward my "I'm learning to take better care of myself" affirmation
3. Being prone to bloating for no apparent reason and its effect on my self-image
4. My Trump-related Facebook screed yesterday and response to it
5. Rider hearing back from someone on OKC finally
6. The messages I got from Guy1 from the double-first-date day
7. A new guy I've been talking to on OKC
8. My ongoing messages with another girl on OKC who is coincidentally from my hometown

So much to say, so much to do, so little time...
Click to expand...

Holy crap, you too??

I had one of those, yesterday. Not thrilled about that, but I just hit an "ENOUGH!" point. Lost a couple of "friends" but seriously though, good riddance.
 
I miss Sam. What I wouldn't do to cuddle him right now. Breakups are weird. I'm fine most of the time these days (after all, it's been three months), but some days I just miss him so hard. His talk of moving in the fall seems to have evaporated.

I think he still wants to leave, but he's just so entrenched in his situation that it's sort of fossilized around him. I really wish that Rider and I had the time off of work to go there for a couple of weeks and just HELP him.

Set up yard sales, do thrift-store runs, cook communal dinners and clean the rooms he's finished with and help with little repairs, tag along on RV shopping for moral support, cuddle and massage him when the stress gets to be too much, play music together to celebrate his passage out of that house that means so much to all of us, but which he is ready to be free of.

Oh, well. Can't be two places at once, and work is a must.
 
Still busy, more bulleted things to write about when I get a minute:

1. Beckett texting first about the guest list
2. First inklings of wedding planning, incl. Sam attending
3. Coming Out day Facebook post
4. Reading between the lines that I might be getting a raise in the not-too-distant future.

In lieu of real content, I am going to post here a link to the Trump-related Facebook post I made the other day. It took me a minute to think about how to "wash" this content so that it would be difficult to trace back to my IRL self. If I just posted the text here, some curious friend who suspected I lifted passages might Google a quote and find me here. I finally settled on a Tumblr and bitly linking.

I might use that platform to share more of my IRL content in the future, like song lyrics (which I have generally just posted verbatim here) and other essays. Of course, if I ever get really famous for my music (haha :cool:) my cover will be blown. But I suspect that will never happen. :p

Here's the Trump post: http://bit.ly/2elCVbB
 
Thanks for sharing your Trump rant. I found it very insightful.
 
You guys. Beckett wants to go to a theme park with me all day tomorrow. I am going into the situation assuming things are still just platonic, but still, SQUEEEEEEE!

I am gonna have to set aside an entire evening to update this blog after this weekend...
 
I don't want to derail Reverie's blog, but that Trump piece Spork linked to really made me think. It definitely made me more empathetic to those who are clinging to a garbage fire like Trump as their only hope.
 
powerpuffgrl1969 said:
I don't want to derail Reverie's blog, but that Trump piece Spork linked to really made me think. It definitely made me more empathetic to those who are clinging to a garbage fire like Trump as their only hope.
Click to expand...

I found it useful because I keep thinking "how and why would ANYONE be seen supporting this clown??"

Well. There we go. Reasons.

I'm actually going to stick that link over in Fireplace, too. We can talk there about it if we want, so as not to make with the derailment stuff. :)

Reverie, I can not WAIT to hear about your weekend! I am full of "squee!" feelings for you and I hope you had a GREAT time!!
 
I took today off work, which means I finally have time to write. This is going to be a looooong (series of) post(s)!

Briefly, thanks, Spork, for sharing that Cracked link. I love Cracked but haven't been reading much of it lately. It was an interesting read and added another little piece to the puzzle of the stuff I was working on figuring out. Petunia & powerpuff: I'm glad you liked what I wrote. :)

I'm going to try to expand upon all the points I wrote here to bookmark them, and then get into my weekend with Beckett.

1. How dimples-girl unfriended me for being too busy

There was this poly girl I'd been talking to on OKC since back before the move. She was moving here at the same time as me, and we were to meet up and become friends. She'd FB-requested me, but I'd somehow not noticed who that request was until I fired my OKC back up again and saw her picture and realized who it was as I was sorting through my friend requests. We talked a bit about making time to hang out, and she invited me to join a local FB poly group.

She asked to hear my band's music and gave me her email address so I could send her some, but then while I was waiting for Rider to clean the tracks and send them to me, she disappeared from FB. I didn't realize this and sent her the email with the music, but when I went to drop her a line there letting her know it was sent, she wasn't on there. So I messaged her through OKC letting her know that I'd noticed she wasn't on FB anymore but that I'd sent her the stuff. I honestly thought she'd just gotten sick of FB and deleted her account, as people do.

When she wrote me back, it was to say that she hoped I wasn't offended, but that she'd actually unfriended and blocked me because I was too busy to meet up so far, and she was looking for people (platonic or otherwise) who could hang out more consistently. She said she likes privacy, so she gets rid of FB friends when she doesn't see them becoming actual friends. And I wasn't at all offended, but I was kinda shocked.

Yes, I am super busy, and, yes, I struggle with finding the time to hang out with all the new people I'm in contact with, but introverted ol' me thinks that internet friendship with the sporadic IRL hangout when it's possible IS friendship. I really don't have much space in my life for many more intense friendships, like the ones I have with the people in my recent "I love my people" post. If there is someone I super-click with, I could probably make that space, but my life is so full that I am happy operating at a sporadic/casual level with most people.

But I totally get that different people are looking for different things, and if she ONLY wants intense friendships, then it is true that I can't give her what she is looking for, and kudos to her for knowing what she wants and running her life accordingly.

2. My progress toward my "I'm learning to take better care of myself" affirmation

So, since the beginning of 2013, I have had a series of affirmations that repeat every eight days on my Google Calendar, which send me an email that day and also appear on that day's schedule. The idea is that I will see the email or the calendar event and spend a moment reflecting on that affirmation. Whenever I feel like I have fully absorbed one, I take it off and replace it with another. One of the ones I have had on there since 2013 is "I am learning to take better care of myself."

I have struggled with this one. I originally put it on there while I was with The Ex because I realized that my dynamic with him was unhealthy and that I was kinda codependent, and I wanted to start putting myself first and making sure my needs were met instead of always just trying to make sure he was happy.

But I have come and gone through periods when I was basically ignoring it. After The Ex and I moved to Florida a bit later in 2013, I started drinking too much while trying to make friends with Ada and the people in her circle. I'd used to drink too much while I was with Moss, but The Ex didn't drink (or VERY rarely anyway), so I'd barely drank while I was with him. But Ada and crew (Rider included) were big drinkers and booze was at the center of every social event. I would wake up some mornings, hung over, and see that affirmation, and think "maybe next week."

I went from never getting sick for three years to suddenly catching every cold that blew through town. I gained weight from drinking, then dieted it off again, then gained it back. I fell out of the habit of flossing and taking vitamins. I was working so hard to keep up with a crowd of partying extraverts that I really was NOT taking better care of myself, even if I'd started to stand up to The Ex and eventually (for the better) left him.

And then last fall, I quit drinking for nearly three months. I lost weight, developed a fancy skin-care routine, and gained a ton of perspective. When we moved here, I fell back out of a lot of it again, going out a lot to try to familiarize myself with my new city and reacquaint myself with my old friends. But recently I have mostly been REALLY good about making positive changes.

I am drinking way, way less, like barely ever. I am making very conscious decisions about what food I put into my body and am losing weight as a result, but it's different from my dieting efforts of the past because I have a long-term plan this time. I have been back on my supplements, and (this past weekend excepted) a being total stickler about getting eight hours of sleep, and exercising, and keeping to my fancy skin-care routine, and making sure I get my needs met and doing so much good stuff for myself. I even am back in the habit of flossing again and made an eye appointment so I can get new contacts.

For the first time ever, when that affirmation pops up in my inbox, I feel good and say to myself, yeah, I really AM learning to take better care of myself. This has been a damned good year for that so far.

3. Being prone to bloating for no apparent reason and its effect on my self-image

I posted about this in the weight-loss thread.

4. My Trump-related Facebook screed yesterday and response to it

I posted the text of the screed here. I actually don't feel like writing about the responses after all.

5. Rider hearing back from someone on OKC finally

I actually don't have a lot of the details on this, but Rider finally got a response on OKC from someone who plays music, and they have discussed jamming together and becoming friends and seeing if anything else blossoms out of that. Apparently she gave him her email address and they have been corresponding outside of OKC, if somewhat sporadically. So we will see what happens there.

6. The messages I got from Guy1 from the double-first-date day

This guy messaged me saying that he really did like hanging out with me and liked what he saw of me so far, and he wants to get to know me better. I'm not terribly opposed to the idea, but his little streak of elitism definitely has me on my guard. I am too busy right now, but we'll see how the near future goes.

7. A new guy I've been talking to on OKC

There is a new guy on OKC I have been talking to sporadically. He seems nice, is already poly and partnered, and I am curious to talk to him more. I'll probably text him a bit now that Beckett weekend is over. Since sparks do not seem to be flying with Jason, I am still sort of shopping around for the local person that I might be able to feel that way towards.

8. My ongoing messages with another girl on OKC who is coincidentally from my hometown

I've kinda been talking to her less actually just because I've been so busy. But I do want to hang out with her sometime. We shall see. She is also bi and close to my age.

9. Beckett texting first about the guest list

I will cover this all in the giant Beckett section to follow.

10. First inklings of wedding planning, incl. Sam attending

So Rider and I (mostly me, because I am the planner) have started the beginning of our wedding planning stuff. We're not having a "real wedding" but we are grabbing a handful of necessary people and going out to the desert to exchange vows and have a photo shoot, then go out for a short dinner.

I found a property that has little bungalows for rent for a reasonable rate, and I found a restaurant about 20 minutes away that is also reasonable and could accommodate our group, which will likely be about 12–16 people.

Nearly everyone in the group has a purpose to serve, or will be the partner of someone who does. Oona will be the maid of honor, Joel will be the best man, Perry's taking photos, and Rider's friend from up north is going to officiate. All three of Rider's parents will be there (mom, dad, step-mom). And I also wanted to invite Mel and Sam, because it seemed like the gathering would be incomplete without them.

Rider asked Sam if he'd be able to make it, and he said he'd definitely find a way to be there. Super exciting! :)

(continued...)
 
(...continued from previous)

11. Coming Out day Facebook post

Even though I have been out as bi to my friends for a very long time and my family for a few years, and also out as poly since my relationship with Rider started, it occurred to me that there might be some people on my friends list with whom it had never come up, so I wrote a post for National Coming Out Day. It was one of the most well received posts I've ever written! The outpouring of good sentiment really warmed my heart. Beckett put a "<3" on it too. (More about that later.)

12. Reading between the lines that I might be getting a raise in the not-too-distant future

So I had a conversation with my boss last week. It basically started because I was asking him about working half a day from home today instead of taking the whole day off, and he told me no. And we got started talking about policy and why he feels the way he does, and how the business is growing, and how I felt like I'd been kind of baited and switched because he'd originally told me my hours would be more flexible and I wouldn't have to come in every day but could work from home sometimes, but then the rules changed once I got here.

He basically told me that he’d realized in the intervening time that he wanted me more managing people and stuff eventually, so he’s just trying to firm up the policies that will apply to everyone.

And he told me if I need to take a half day here or there for something, then it’s no problem, so if I want to play today by ear and maybe come in half a day and not use up a day off if I’m tired, I can.

One of my angles in bringing it up was that I’d offered to work from home half a day on Monday because we are CRAZY busy right now, and it made more sense to me to get SOME stuff done than just to take the whole day off.
I explained that when we’re busy, I usually end up working extra hours each day anyway, and stuff builds up while I’m out.

And then at that point, I think I read between the lines that I will be getting a raise at some point in the not-too-distant future. He said (regarding how I work late to get things done, etc.) “don’t think that goes unnoticed and, while we might not be counting the hours, it will pay off for you."

That, coupled with a comment he made a few weeks ago about how sales are up 20% from last year and also recently saying that he thinks our web traffic has gone up a bunch almost entirely due to my own efforts, sounds like things are going to be going better for me financially soon. January marks my five-year anniversary with the company, so maybe I will get a raise then. We shall see! I am hopeful. :)

And that brings us to this weekend with Beckett, which is the part I am really excited to write about. Anyone who doesn't want a complete dissection of the weekend, down to minutiae, can probably check out now, LOL.

So, I'd bought a three-day pass to the event where Beckett's band was playing on Sunday. I'd also kept my entire schedule completely clear so I'd be available to hang out whenever he wanted to. After the whole thing where he'd admitted he was in an exclusive relationship, I didn't think he'd want to hang out all that much, but I wanted to keep the option open.

Beckett messaged me on Tuesday asking if I already had tickets because he was going to put me on the guest list for Sunday if I hadn't yet. The text came out of nowhere, which, it is rare for him to text me first. I guess the venue was asking about his list people. I told him that I'd gotten the three-day pass "because I didn't know which night(s) [he] wanted to hang out, and I'm excitable."

Then he messaged me again on Thursday afternoon, asking whether I was free Saturday or Sunday during the daytime, and I told him both. He said he wanted to do a theme park one of the days, and we narrowed it down to Saturday so we wouldn't have any kind of time limit really. I told him we could do whatever he wants, that I'd be happy to drive him around. So at that point, I had established that I would at least be seeing him Saturday daytime and Sunday night. I would have been satisfied with that.

Friday was the day his flight was getting in. I messaged him that morning asking if he would be attending all three nights, and offering to give him a ride to the club on my way there if he wanted, but he didn't write back for a long time. I made up my mind that I would go whether or not he was planning to, just to check it out and see what it was like. I finally heard back from him as I was getting ready to leave, and he said that he was already at the event. I picked up my pace and rushed over there.

I was SO NERVOUS! The last time I saw him was the time with the conversation where he ended things, when he stopped me on my way out his front door, asking for a kiss goodbye. I'd never hung out with him as just friends before. I didn't know what I would say or do. I didn't know how he'd act. I was a roiling mess inside a carefully made-up package.

I walked through the door to the club and texted him that I'd arrived, then leaned against the wall trying to decide which direction to head in. Suddenly he walked into the room and my heart stopped, just as it had the first time I'd ever seen him. He smiled and gave me a big hug. I awkwardly proffered the piece of fancy chocolate I'd brought him. My boss sometimes brings in high-end treats for me, and I'd grabbed one for Beckett on my way out that day, remembering his sweet tooth. He was surprised and happy.

He showed me around the club. It was HUGE! I trailed two steps behind him like a puppy as we wandered from room to room. There were DJs playing in each room, even though each room was pretty empty. We ran into Caleb at some point, which was a little awkward, but it was good to see him. We stopped outside on the patio for a while so Beckett could vape, and I hadn't brought anything with sleeves, so I was a bit cold.

When we went back inside the club, I couldn't seem to warm up. All the rooms but one were blasting the AC despite it being cool outside. I was cursing my lack of a jacket. Beckett led me to the one room that was warmer than the rest, and we stood by a window looking out over the street, chatting. I was rubbing my hands together to try to warm them up, and, suddenly, he clasped both of his hands around mine.

"Wow, you really are cold!" he said, and pulled me in for a hug. But it was more than just a hug. He just...held me...for minutes on end. My mind was freaking out and my heart was racing a million miles an hour. Just being that close to him and I was instantly aroused. I calmed myself down, mentally whispering to myself: "Shh, just let it happen."

The time we'd been apart dropped away like it had never happened. I was suddenly on the pier in Florida again, standing with him over the green water, his bare chest to my halter-clad one, post-skating-sweaty, embracing, breathing, the clock totally stopped.

I inhaled deeply and came back to reality, no, we were in a club in Los Angeles. We were wearing far more clothes. The air was chilly. But he smelled the same and his warmth and that memory and the way my blood was pumping took the chill right out of my entire body. Suddenly my ice-cold hands were warm.

He murmured to me, "What we should do is get up at the crack of dawn and go to Disneyland."

"Sure," I answered.

"Really?!" he sounded incredulous that I'd agreed. "You mean you'd get up that early?"

"To go on an adventure with you? Well, that's what I cleared my schedule for this weekend!"

We stepped apart from each other and looked at our phones, checking the time. We looked to see what time Disney opened: 8:00 a.m. We deduced that I'd have to pick him up around 7:15 to make it there by then, so we had to get up at 6:30. It was almost 1:00. We looked at each other, giggled, shrugged. "Still totally down," we agreed.

By the time we'd said our goodbyes to the people in the club and headed to my car, it was 1:30. My mind was racing—what was going to happen? Was he going to ask me up to his hotel room? That hug was more than a friendly hug. He'd initiated it. But he's seeing someone exclusively...did they break up? Did he want to cheat? Could I willingly participate in that?! Could I even help myself, if he asked? Beckett is my Kryptonite. I have zero self control where he is concerned. My mind turned and turned.

We got to his hotel, and he directed me to turn into the circular driveway to drop him off. I was relieved and disappointed at the same time. He gave me a one-armed hug on his way out of the car and said, "See you in a few hours!"

I drove home, every nerve ending in my body tingling, my brain cells fried.

When I got home, Rider told me he was coming down with a cold. He'd gotten into the whiskey to try to numb his sore throat, so he was half-asleep and quite drunk. I explained to him my plans for the morning and started to set things out so that I didn't wake him later. I set out an outfit for the park and packed a bag so that I could change for the club afterward wherever I was at the time. I packed a little toiletries bag in case I needed to freshen up. And in case Beckett asked me to spend the night. He still hadn't mentioned his partner. Maybe he was single again after all?

I tried picturing this mystery girl whom I'd never seen on his social media at all. I tried to muster up a sliver of guilt in case I was on the verge of being part of something hurtful. I tucked condoms into the toiletries bag, just in case. I'd need to have a conversation with him to make sure that everything was on the up-and-up. But it was better to be prepared than to be sorry.

(continued...)
 
(...continued from previous)

Rider wanted to do sexytime things before I went to sleep. At this point, it was nearing three. But I acquiesced because I didn't want Rider to feel neglected. I touched him and he was satisfied. Then I went directly to sleep. I slept for three hours.

At 6:30, I bounded out of bed like a kid on Christmas morning. I rushed around putting on the outfit I'd laid out. I applied some understated daytime makeup. Beckett texted me to make sure I was actually up on time, and I told him that I was, but I was going to stop at the car wash so that the windows would be clear for him to see out of. I have literally never washed a car that I've owned before in my life. Oh, NRE, haha!

Traffic was not bad that early on a Saturday. We made it to the park quickly. He was visibly excited. He very generously paid for the parking and my ticket. As we walked through the park, we walked very close together. Our arms kept brushing, and electricity would crackle between us. We flitted around getting Fast Passes to things, and the crowd almost separated us at one point. We both instinctively darted a hand out to grab each other, and I intended to immediately let go once he was back by my side, but he laced his fingers into mine, and we walked holding hands.

There was that spinning again. My brain going too fast for my body. My heart going too fast for my lungs to catch breath. I had to ask him about his partner. But...not yet. Not quite yet.

Once we'd gotten the passes we needed, it was time for breakfast. As we waited in the Starbucks line, he was talking about a friend of his who was distraught over a relationship ending.

"It was the weirdest thing," Beckett said, "because none of us even knew he had a girlfriend. He never mentioned anyone or brought her around." This was my chance.

"Well, I didn't know you had a girlfriend either..." I ventured hesitantly. And he started talking about his junkie ex and I interrupted, "No, I mean...now." And a look crossed his face and he changed the subject entirely, asking me what I was going to order.

OK, I can take a hint. He doesn't want to talk about it. So WTF am I supposed to do now? I sighed and dealt with placing our order. I picked up breakfast since he'd been very generous about the ticket. I spread cream cheese on my bagel, trying to decide what to do next. Would I continue to accept his affection in the absence of a clear statement that it was OK? Would I let things go further?

We walked and nibbled at our food. Suddenly, he starts telling a story, which I will paraphrase here.

His junkie ex had been lying to a lot of people. She'd been cheating on him with two guys. She'd been ripping friends off. There was this one friend of theirs to whom she'd been lying, and eventually Beckett and the guy compared notes and realized all of the things she'd been lying about. Beckett had been loose friends with this guy for nearly ten years, since the last time he'd dated the junkie, but bonding over his ex's lying brought them closer.

And now they were boyfriends.

What.

A boyfriend?!

When Beckett and I had been bobbing in the ocean together, summer of last year, he'd mentioned kissing boys sometimes, and I'd asked him if he was bi, then. And he said that he doesn't really like labels, but he supposed the word would be heteroflexible: mostly into chicks but could make an exception for the right guy.

When I told him I remembered that conversation, he laughed and said, "Well, I guess he's the right guy."

My mind was just so blown. I'd always thought that "heteroflexible" was more like...straight but open to contact in threesomes...or...even a nice way of saying "not homophobic." But to be in an exclusive relationship with someone of the same sex, why, that was gayer even than I am, and I consider myself bi.

We talked about this for a long time. Apparently, the guy is younger (28 to Beckett's 36), super-monogamous, and in kind of a precarious life situation (living rent-free and platonically with an ex). He's also a "prude" (Beckett's words) in the sense that he's wanting to take the sex thing really slowly (they've never had intercourse), is not open to any group things, and, Beckett seems to believe, would not even be cool with talks of being open at all. He said they had the exclusivity talk really early on, just a couple of weeks into realizing that they were into each other, in August.

I timidly piped up. "So, exclusivity. Well, obviously, I've noticed there's some affection going on here..." I gestured between us, "...so what are your agreements? What is allowed?"

He laughed, "Well, we're not going to have sex..."

"That's fine," I said.

"...so I guess that besides that, the line is just wherever I choose to draw it."

"And he's OK with that?" I asked.

"No, he probably wouldn't be," Beckett admitted. "But all we've actually talked about is not having sex with other people." He went on to say that he'd actually slipped up and fooled around with another guy, a close friend of his, last month. He said he wasn't going to do that again, that it had been a mistake. He also said that he kind of had a history of having "friends" that he was super close with, that he didn't have sex with necessarily (although on the odd occasion back when he was drinking it would sometimes accidentally happen), but that he'd cuddle and sleep close to, even when he was in exclusive relationships with other people.

"So," I asked him, "if things work out with this guy, and he wants exclusivity, then that means you just never get to be with women again..." He told me that was fine with him. His body language with me spoke otherwise. I mentioned that I'd never been able to suppress half of my sexuality, personally.

My gears were turning. I asked him why, if he liked so much to be close to multiple people, he didn't just have the openness conversation. That was when he called his boyfriend a prude and said that no good could come of bringing that topic up to him. "Plus," he said, "that cuts both ways. If we were just open, I'd have to deal with him being with other people, and I don't think I'd want that."

"So...you'd be too jealous?" I asked. And he answered that he wouldn't be jealous with his partner just cuddling and kissing other people, but that, yes, more than that and he would probably get jealous. I told him that jealousy happens, but that it's worth working through if it means you get to live how you want. And he said he wasn't sure that he did want to live that way. He reminded me that one of the reasons he'd ended things with me was the situation I was in—already having Rider and all of that.

And then the conversation branched into talking about that: how it ended and why, etc. It was really the first post-mortem we'd had about that whole thing. He said that he'd drawn a line in his mind about how far he'd let things go with me—basically that whole "shutting feelings down" thing we've recently discussed here on the blogs. One reason for this was my already being with Rider. Another was that I was moving. He said he'd felt safe having a fling with me, knowing it could go no further, knowing it had a built-in expiration date. He knew he could keep it under control.

But then he couldn't.

He wasn't expecting "us" to become what we'd been becoming. He said he was so into me intellectually, and that we had so much fun, and that our sex together was so good, that he found himself crossing that line, the only-fun-no-feelings line. So he had to hit the eject button; he'd made a promise to himself and he intended to keep it.

I didn't ask, but I think I know the exact moment he crossed the line. It was when we were sitting across the table from each other at lunch that day, immediately following a night of incredible intimacy, and he was telling me his problems, and all of a sudden he cocked his head and looked at me strangely and said something along the lines of how talking to me about stuff that's wrong really makes him feel a lot better. Less than an hour later, I was dumped.

I told him again what I'd told him via email a couple of months ago—that I had totally fallen for him. That I, too, had been holding my feelings in check and being wary, but that morning I'd woken up to memories of how he'd looked at me the night before, and I could tell he felt it too, so I decided it was OK to fall.

At least I wasn't mistaken about him feeling it too. Except his response to it had been the opposite of mine.

(continued...)
 
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(...continued from previous)

Armed with all kinds of new information, I had to make a decision. I now knew that he basically felt the same way that I felt but was consciously keeping it in check. I knew that his boyfriend wouldn't be happy knowing that he was holding hands with me. I knew that Beckett himself was following his own questionable code of ethics with a line that he would not cross. I knew he had no intention of having an honest conversation with his partner about this.

And...I kind of didn't care? Maybe that wasn't ethical of me. I had a host of excuses and rationalizations for it, though.

I had been a freaking saint and backed down with the flirting and innuendo as soon as he'd told me about a partner, despite how disappointed I was. And I knew he didn't intend to have sex with me. And he was gonna do whatever he was gonna do with whomever—other people than just me, for sure. And HE was the one pushing the affection agenda. If he was gonna explode this thing with the new boyfriend, one way or the other, that was not my fault. I could choose not to play a role, but to what purpose? A clean conscience? Honestly, as long as we left the pants on, I had a relatively clean conscience. It may be a technicality, but if all they'd ever discussed was no sex with other people, and we weren't doing that, then whatever.

And I just...WANTED HIM. It didn't have to be sexually. It didn't have to be anything more than what it already was. Closeness. Affection. Touch. I made up my mind, for better or worse. We spent the entire rest of the day wrapped around each other like a banyan roots.

Disney lines are LONG. One was two whole hours. But the entire time, we cuddled. And I learned something. I learned how to be completely, 100% in the moment. Normally, I would be looking forward to the thing we were in line for. Or I'd be worrying about what this all would mean after he flew home. Or I'd be wondering how much I'd see him the next day. I'm very future-oriented, in general, to a fault.

But waiting in those lines with him, limbs wrapped around each other, breathing each other in, it was a series of totally in-the-moment, zen, present, snapshots. Moment. Moment. Moment. Moment. We had no past. We had no future. There was only his stubble combing my bangs. There was only his hand in my back pocket. There was only his arm hairs under my fingertips. There was only his collarbone under my temple. There was only our thighs touching from length to length. There was only the scent of him, ineffable, and I breathed in as deeply as I could, as if the deeper I breathed, the more likely I was to keep it with me forever.

His fingers played along the shaved part of my hair. His lips grazed the top of my head. The convex shape of his ribcage nestled between my breasts, against my sternum. He folded an arm around my waist, lightly stroking me. I was dead and in heaven and yet feeling more alive than since I couldn't remember when.

Whenever we needed to shift, we re-wove ourselves together. Whenever we needed to step apart, our hands found each other like magnets. We stared into each other's eyes deeply, for too long, wanting to kiss but not actually doing it. We talked and giggled and created at least a dozen new inside jokes. We finished each other's sentences.

I'd wondered at some point (maybe even here on the blog) in the not-too-distant past whether he was actually as intelligent as I'd originally gauged him to be (because he seems to consistently make poor life choices), but in person, I could tell that he actually is quite smart. He has an encyclopedic knowledge of a lot of things: entertainment things, car things, certain genres of music things.

It was a very romantic day, all in all. We split a single meal at lunch and split a sundae for dessert. He shot video of all the fun we were having and took lots of selfies of us (that went unpublished on social media). He tried to win me a prize at a game booth. And we ended the outing howling with laughter and clutching each other on the swinging ferris wheel. But we still didn't kiss.

By the time we left, it was getting pretty late in the day. Caleb had already been bugging him asking when we were going to get back. I asked Beckett if I could change in his hotel room and he said, "Sure, can I watch?"

But that's basically where that ended. We changed in front of each other, but there was no touching at that moment. The most risqué anything got was when I was putting my makeup on, and he slid his hands up the back of my skirt and put his palms on my ass, but I was wearing panties and stockings, so it wasn't my bare ass.

It occurs to me only now, as I'm typing this, that that gesture, coupled with his remark made in the same general time frame about being in no particular hurry to go to the club, was probably the moment I could have chosen to turn around and take things in another direction. But I didn't. I was focused on putting my mascara on. And I'd already had it in my mind that stuff wasn't going to happen. I can be dense/naïve sometimes, I suppose. Thinking about it now, I'm half relieved and half kicking myself. If things were just thismuch different...but they're not.

We arrived at the club around 10:30, exhausted but happy. He introduced me to a ton of new people, some of whom I feel like may be actual friendship candidates. We stayed till they kicked everyone out around 2:30, and then I took him back to his hotel again. Again he gave me the one-armed car hug. We were both totally beat. He marveled with amazement that I was still conscious enough to drive. (He'd napped on the drive back from Disney.) I got home and immediately passed out after telling Rider about my day.

I slept for most of the next day. Well. I slept for four hours, then woke up and couldn't fall back to sleep though I knew I needed more, so I ate part of a cookie edible and watched nature shows on the futon with Rider, then fell back to sleep till 4:30 p.m. I woke to a text from Beckett telling me he'd been wrong about the time his band goes on—they were really going on at 6:15.

So then I was rushing to get cute and get out the door. I was running about ten minutes late and then the door guy wasn't letting people in when I got there because they were fixing the ATM in the hall and it was a security issue to have people walking by. Finally I got in about halfway through the band's set. I shot some photos and video. I ogled Beckett. When the set was over, he came down from the stage and gave me a huge, sweaty hug.

We spent the rest of the evening pretty much wrapped around each other again. I had been in too big of a rush out the door and had forgotten my jacket, so he lent me his. We watched some bands together, and for a while, we faced each other and just looked and looked. I wanted to kiss him so badly. But we didn't.

We chatted with friends and I was introduced around to more people, and eventually it was 1:30 and the club was kicking people out. I helped Beckett load his keyboards into my car and drove back to the hotel. I offered to help him carry them up to his room, but he said he could handle it. He met me back downstairs, and we made plans to meet a couple people from the club at a 24-hour diner in my neighborhood. We had a lot of fun. A couple of times I laughed until I almost cried.

I had made up my mind that I was going to ask him for a kiss when I dropped him off at 4:30 a.m., but I chickened out. He gave me a big long hug, told me I'm "the best" and said he'll see me when I visit Florida next month.

The moment I drove away, I regretted not asking for that kiss, and I texted him when I got home telling him so. I dreamed about kissing him all night long.

And I've been obsessing over him ever since. We're already texting about next time he's here. Whenever that will be.

Rider and I both took the day off of work (he's still sick), and we schemed a bit about how I can get to see Beckett when I'm in Florida. We have only four nights there, and a lot of plans have already been made. We're supposed to be staying with football friends Friday through Sunday nights, with Sam joining us for Friday and Saturday nights. There's a BBQ in our honor happening on Sunday at Shana and Al's place. And then Monday night, I think we were going to try to spend it with Allie, our kinda-girlfriend.

So I think, because Beckett is friends with Shana and Al, that I will see if Beckett wants to BBQ with us, and maybe I can go home with him that night to get some QT? I'll have to inquire closer to the date, since Beckett doesn't exactly plan things well in advance.

~~~ BREAKING NEWS ~~~​

OMG. Beckett made a freaking video of our Disney adventure and just posted it to my wall. He shot a bunch of video on his GoPro while we were there, and edited it together on the plane to make this adorable montage of our day together. Video editing is part of what he does for work, and he's really good at it. ::swoon and die::

Man, this is long. I could probably say a bunch more, but I just...won't. I'm so madly in love with Beckett, and with Rider for being so sweet and tolerant and scheming with me. Feeling poly AF at the moment.
 
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Wow.

WOW.

I was physically tense reading this LOL!

I know those feels so much. That whole, "I shouldn't, but I wanna, does he wanna? Yeah, he kinda does, could it be, can I should I will he won't he...???" And it's soooo hard, because I've done stuff I've regretted in these kinds of moments before, mostly because I look back and know it's not really consistent with my ethics. But I know how I felt in that moment and I don't beat myself up for letting it happen, yanno?

Yeah. Exciting stuff!!

Connecting back to stuff I think about sometimes, the whole "how poly is poly" and what it means to everybody...like I sometimes wonder, if being the kind of person who can be poly, or not, but is there maybe an inclination deep down. Like is it right or fair or good, for people who have that seed of polyness, to make exclusive commitments? Is it fair for Beckett to commit to something like that when there's a good chance he's going to struggle to uphold his promises, just because he knows he can be jealous and what if his "prude" of a partner ends up wanting others, that would bug him...ain't that the eating of the cake and the having of it, too a bit? Asking too much?

In your shoes I think I'd be wondering what the success prospects of his relationship are, and thinking, I would not lay bets on it. And I think that personally...it would make it easier for me to do things I'd look back and still think "that's not really consistent with my ethics." *sigh* But... It is so EASY to excuse, so we tap dance on the borders of the rules, and it's fun.

Knowing too well how this stuff feels makes me afraid a little. I'm undertaking commitments with Zen. I know damn well that during the last six months I've felt like I can uphold them, and I'm good with it. But I'm scared that one day...I might find I bit off more than I could chew. Hope not. Anyways, I'm happy for you that you had such an awesome time. I hope you can continue to have awesome times without doing anything that makes you mad at yourself, in the future. Sucks when Big Fun comes bundled with Moral Quandary, yanno?
 
Going back a few of your posts...

Actually, I don't want to hijack your blog, so I'm gonna pop over to mine with most of my response.

It sounds like you're finding out some unexpected things about Beckett. And it sounds complicated trying to reconcile your feelings with what he's telling you about his agreements with his boyfriend. I hope that all works out for you.
 
Spork said:
I know those feels so much. That whole, "I shouldn't, but I wanna, does he wanna? Yeah, he kinda does, could it be, can I should I will he won't he...???" And it's soooo hard, because I've done stuff I've regretted in these kinds of moments before, mostly because I look back and know it's not really consistent with my ethics. But I know how I felt in that moment and I don't beat myself up for letting it happen, yanno?

Yeah. Exciting stuff!!

Connecting back to stuff I think about sometimes, the whole "how poly is poly" and what it means to everybody...like I sometimes wonder, if being the kind of person who can be poly, or not, but is there maybe an inclination deep down. Like is it right or fair or good, for people who have that seed of polyness, to make exclusive commitments? Is it fair for Beckett to commit to something like that when there's a good chance he's going to struggle to uphold his promises, just because he knows he can be jealous and what if his "prude" of a partner ends up wanting others, that would bug him...ain't that the eating of the cake and the having of it, too a bit? Asking too much?
Click to expand...

Yeah. The thing that started my mind spinning when I randomly woke up in the middle of the night (so much so that I had to take half a Xanax to fall back to sleep) was that, basically, he's representing himself to his partner as being willing to provide something that he is actually unwilling to provide. Which is, of course, unfair.

Like, shouldn't he free his partner up to go find someone who CAN provide what he is looking for? If Beckett doesn't want full poly, but wants to be able to do group sex and makeouts or hookups when out of town, shouldn't he seek a partner who is also into those things and not settle until he finds that person? I love so many things about him, but he really does make consistently poor life choices when it comes to relationships. He has some sort of Achilles heel there.

Spork said:
In your shoes I think I'd be wondering what the success prospects of his relationship are, and thinking, I would not lay bets on it. And I think that personally...it would make it easier for me to do things I'd look back and still think "that's not really consistent with my ethics." *sigh* But... It is so EASY to excuse, so we tap dance on the borders of the rules, and it's fun.
Click to expand...

This. All of this. Just last week, I was listening to some recent Savage Lovecast, and Dan was talking about how, if something is already doomed and it seems like the other person is just wanting to slam their hand down on the destruct button one way or the other, it's maybe not as unethical as you'd think to participate in the role of being the catalyst, because someone eventually will.

I actually don't honestly believe that Beckett would be happy for any kind of long stretch without being with women. He, uh, very much appreciates the female form and going down on women, and he is so freaking attractive that women are always throwing themselves at him. I guess myself included; as annoying as it is to be cliché like that, I can't deny that I find him irresistible. (To see exactly what I mean, you can look at this photo of us on our first date last summer. Such a pretty, pretty boy. Ugh! Complete and utter Kryptonite.)

At the same time, I feel guiltier for not believing him about that than I do about any of the affection stuff. Like, who am I not to believe him at his word about what's going on in his mind and heart? But I really DON'T believe him. I don't believe with the way he looks at me and touches me that he could ever promise "no women ever again" to a man. I feel like it's just a matter of time before the temptation gets to be too great.

Spork said:
I hope you can continue to have awesome times without doing anything that makes you mad at yourself, in the future. Sucks when Big Fun comes bundled with Moral Quandary, yanno?
Click to expand...

KC43 said:
It sounds like you're finding out some unexpected things about Beckett. And it sounds complicated trying to reconcile your feelings with what he's telling you about his agreements with his boyfriend. I hope that all works out for you.
Click to expand...

Thanks, ladies. I really hope so too. What I *really* hope, in my heart of hearts, is that he 'fesses up to his boyfriend that he wants or needs more—not even necessarily with me, just in general. And if that explodes things, then so be it. And, if it doesn't, then there will be no more moral quandary; everything can just be free and clear and out in the open.

Lately, I've been feeling like everything in my non-Rider love life is just a matter of letting time pass. I feel pretty certain that Beckett's relationship will end before too long. I suspect that things will eventually fire back up with Sam, too. I've been friends with Jake since we were 13, so that connection will never lapse, and I would not be surprised if eventually his young girlfriend accepts the idea of poly and he and I become a sporadic, long-distance thing again. And surely, eventually, I will meet someone local that I spark with.

I was reflecting this weekend that Beckett is the LAST new guy I've had sex with. Over a year ago. There just hasn't been anyone worth it since then. I'm beginning to wonder if I am, in a way, polysaturated even though I'm not actually WITH Beckett or Sam or Jake. Maybe three intense loves and one mellow one, whether they are practically reciprocated or not, is all my heart can handle, and that's why I never like anyone anymore. Maybe three and a half is my equivalent to mono. LOL
 
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