Humble suggestion

[Willd5150]

Greetings and salutations,

My membership was just approved five minutes ago. I'm Poly ignorant. A niece that is very dear to me just entered into a Poly relationship. I want to have an understanding of the community. At least broad strokes of the ideology, protocol, or perhaps standard of conduct that applies to the people within the community. Forgive me. Since I have absolutely no context, I'm struggling to find the perfect adjective or superlative.

My suggestion is to consider replacing the word Non-Monogamous with the phrase alternative to monogamy. The prefix non has the propensity to foster an us against them dichotomy.

I don't have a vested opinion currently. I have no interest in pursuing a relationship. I'm trying to be a good uncle and support my niece. The vast majority of the family is vehemently opposed to this. Much to my chagrin these opinions were knee jerk reactions. I told them that we owe it to our loved one to gather some information and meet some folks within a community prior to formulating a rigid and uncompromising point of view.

 

[redpepper]

I'm trying to be a good uncle and support my niece. The vast majority of the family is vehemently opposed to this. Much to my chagrin these opinions were knee jerk reactions. I told them that we owe it to our loved one to gather some information and meet some folks within a community prior to formulating a rigid and uncompromising point of view.

You're right. They do owe it to your niece. I agree. Good for you for being the bigger person. I applaud you. I am glad your niece has a friend and confidant in her uncle and that you are big enough to rise above your concern to attempt to meet her where she is.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Willd5150,

English is quirky and unfortunately there's not a lot of alternatives to nonmonogamy. Technically, polygamy is the opposite word as far as construction is concerned, but it also has some connotations that don't work well for most nonmonogamists. There is of course polyamory, but that is more specialized than nonmonogamy in general.

That said, I think it's admirable that you're supporting your niece in the face of strong opposition. I wish everyone had the good attitude that you have.

As for the right word for the relationship model your niece is practicing, polyamory may very well be it.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

Good for you. Your niece is fortunate to have you.

In case it helps you in your research... some links to "hub pages" with more links:

http://practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles

https://www.morethantwo.com

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

What might work to understand your niece though, is to ask her what she would like you to read. Are there articles she resonates with in particular. Show your support, show her you are trying to understand, learn and be supportive.

More than anything, I think she would value your efforts to accept her as she is.

Galagirl

 

[FallenAngelina]

The prefix non has the propensity to foster an us against them dichotomy.

Within the members of this forum, we sometimes we run into that Us vs. Them you're referring to, so the divisive thinking runs both ways. Some people identify strongly as "being poly" and some people see poly as simply one option in the many relationship structures available. There is no club or lifestyle or "with us or against us" vow to take. Polyamory seems to be where interracial relationships were a few decades ago: primarily underground but definitely happening and on their way to ever more social acceptance. This is how it happens, one amazingly supportive uncle at a time. Welcome to the vanguard.

 

[Spork]

Hi!!

I also commend you for seeking understanding.

I just finished reading a book called "The Ethical Slut" (they are reclaiming the word, it's not used with any sense of shame in this book.) And interestingly the authors, two polyamorous women, also don't care for the term "non-monogamy." Because they feel that it is a term that centers monogamy as the normative mode, and gives polyamory less legitimacy thusly.

Personally I disagree, in the sense that I think monogamy IS the normative mode and likely will continue to be, and I don't really see that as necessarily a bad thing. It's a whatever thing. People do what they do. (EDIT: I just wish that it be seen as more of a choice...one of many options that are all ok, in how to live...not the assumed default.)

I like non-mono because to me, ethical nonmono is the umbrella term that shelters various forms, to include polyamory, swinging, etc. And I shorten it often rather deliberately, because the suffixes mean things...unless I am mistaken (possible!)...
-gamy refers to marriage (bigamy, polygamy, monogamy)
-amory refers to "amour" or love
-sexual might refer to those involved in sex with partners (could be polysexual, monosexual as we use hetero-, homo-, bi- etc)

Thing is, there are asexual folk who consider themselves polyamorous. I'm not sure if there's a word that really encompasses everything perfectly, like "polyrelating." I could be a polyamorous monosexual! lol (I had multiple partners, but decided that was not for me at this time, and now only have one sexual relationship, but I love lots of people in a nonsexual way!)

The real "us versus them" mindset that is hard to shake when you are involved in a community like this, or living your life in nonstandard ways, is more a question of "openminded" versus "narrow minded." The "them" is the masses of normal folks who figure there is only one RIGHT way to live, and everything else is WRONG. And I hate to say it, but it's this mindset taken to extremes, that drives some of the worst of human atrocity, so I figure it's time to leave it behind if we can. If you're not hurting anybody, there are lots of right ways to live.

And if there is one overarching ethical tenet I have found among poly people, it's "informed consent." Which is also what differentiates this from cheating. Honesty. You are letting your partners be informed of your wishes and intentions and coming up with agreements together as to what you can and cannot do comfortably and happily together. Giving them the opportunity (courageously, I might add) to say, "I cannot consent to this, it is not something I can do. If you absolutely must have multiple partners, I cannot be part of it." Instead of lying out of fear that this might be the answer, or worse, and denying them the chance to consent or not.