It's a Texlahoma Story

Poly schmoly. I don't make a fuss whether my current OSO is a full on bf, or more of a FWB, like Punk was. As long as the sex is good and he lifts some heavy things for me, and is smart, and makes me laugh, that's all I ask.

I will never understand who you think you need to apologise to. You have these strange ideas about what is "twue poly." I think lots of us have had fond relationships that fall short of full on commitment. I know NYCindie only wants "lover friends" with little entanglement.

My gf Pixi only sees her Dom like twice a month. They never go out of his apartment. Just stay in, do kinky sex, and then he cooks a simple meal, they eat and watch TV, go to bed, and in the morning she leaves. They may text 2 or 3 nights a week for an hour or so in between dates. It may not be 100% what she'd like, but it's been going on 3 years and so it's working for them.

Punk used to come over 2 times a week, for sex, dinner and talk. And lifting heavy things for me. I called him my bf but really it was more like a FWB, no mushy "I love you" romantic, staring into each other's eyes and escalator stuff.

Deep abiding loves comes along rarely. I am OK with fondness and great sex. Yet I call myself polyamorous.
 
Well I get it though, sometimes the words DO matter. Not because other people are judging you, but more because you're putting undue stress and pressure on yourself. Did I or did I not say that trying to live up to "girlfriend" for 4 people was making me crazy? The constant worry of whether you're doing it right, whatever "it" is... Then you throw away "it" and just do what you want, and you can breathe again. Good!

And hey, your blog won't be boring for being less full of confusion and upset, and I think it's completely understandable if we see an awful lot less of ya, since you don't need to chew on stressful stuff...that's a good thing!...but I think I speak for most in saying that I come to care a bit for the folks in this place and it would be neat if you popped in every several months or something and said, "Hey guys, life is great!" and of course vent any life stress you may feel like venting. No rule that your blog has to be "poly topics only." Mine sure isn't.

Anyways, I was just making the point that I think your voice is an asset to this place and I'm interested in what you're up to, no matter what you're calling it. :)
 
I hope you don't leave the community.
I am going mono but will still blog, I hope you stick around.
 
I don't recall anyone here telling you what you are or should call yourself. If I ever did that to you, then it was a mindless mistake and I apologize. The main thing I've seen with you, Claire, is the pressure you put on yourself to live up to other people's standards, or to compare yourself to some not-always-accurate ideas you had about what other people are doing with their relationships. From what I've read here, you are your worst critic.

My hope for you, as you move forward into a new direction, is that you are true to yourself and always have the courage to be who you are and speak your truth. You're such a good and honest writer... if you stop participating here, you will be greatly missed. You don't have to be full-on poly to be here and interact with everyone. We have plenty of monofolk and people who prefer casual FWBs over BFs here, and everybody's welcome. I hope you didn't think we were imposing some kind of polyamory standard on you.
 
It's not anyone else's definition or standard that makes me want to scream "NOT POLY" ... It's my own.

Polyamory means "many loves", and by the broadest definition, anyone who loves their kids and friends and parents is poly. But generally, it signifies being open to multiple concurrent romantic relationships. And - I'm not.

I've struggled so much to define what *romance* and *relationship* mean to me. But deep down I always knew, and I was just fighting myself, because I wanted to be able to somehow shove my non-Andy partners into that category. I can't, though. Because, to me, romantic love is til death do us part, you and me against the world, give up anything and everything for you. It's two lives being completely merged into one.

To me, a romantic relationship is total, complete, unwavering commitment. And I can't give that in two directions. Because the minute I say I wouldn't give up another relationship to save mine with my husband, I've cheapened and ruined our marriage. I can't have two romantic loves, because by offering that "no matter what" to two, I've effectively made it a lie.

I know all the arguments about how many mono relationships fall apart, how many times someone who promised forever and no matter what chooses something (or someone) over their spouse. But the thing is, in monogamy, when that happens, the relationship is over. You get to expect complete commitment and devotion for the duration of the relationship, even if it's short. In poly... You never get that. There's always exceptions, limits, restrictions on the total commitment of your partner. I'll do anything for you ~well, unless it seriously affects my relationship with so and so, in that case, sorry~.

That doesn't work for me. I'm happy to have FWBs, and enjoy them, even love them - but know that if things get messy, I'll choose my marriage. Not because Andy says so, or because there's a rule, but simply because that's my priority. But I simply can't call those FWBs romantic partners, or relationships, because those things imply commitment to me. No matter how intoxicating the sex, how intimate the shared secrets - if I know I'd leave to prioritize someone else, it's not a romance to me. On the flip side, if I ever truly felt there was someone I couldn't give up - even if giving them up was the only way to be with Andy - I'd get a divorce. I don't feel right saying to Andy that I'm committed to us if there's someone else I can't live without.

And that's why I simply don't want the poly label anymore. Polyamory doesn't fit with how I think about relationships.
 
I'm so fucking angry right now... :mad:

Despite not calling myself poly, I'm still open to dating people who identify that way - as long as I'm clear about what I feel like I can offer (fun, friendship, sex) and what I can't (long term commitment to a romantic and/or sexual relationship) I don't see the conflict. Sure, some poly folk will not want to date me knowing up front that the relationship will ever become a central priority - that's cool. But I see plenty of poly people here and online who are open to more casual things in addition to their committed relationships.

Anyway.

I messaged back and forth with a poly guy on OKC. Smart, funny, not really my type physically, but sometimes attraction is different in person, so worth a shot. He asks my protocol for meeting... I'm like, um, we pick a place and a time, and we meet :confused: He explains that he has requirements and proceeds to list SIX, including his wife being there AND a safety check in call from an additional friend. Dude. Wtf.

So I say thanks but no thanks, I'm uncomfortable with the idea of a spousal chaperone on a first date, sounds like we're not compatible, good luck. He writes back, APOLOGIZES, asks me to please reconsider, actually it's not a requirement, meeting alone is fine. Sigh. I should have just blocked him. But I wrote back, saying again that someone who generally prefers group first dates is unlikely to be someone I'm going to be compatible with, no hard feelings, just two different ways to date.

And he goes off on how I'm obviously cheating, because why else would I not want to bring my husband, and also I'm a "security risk", whatever that means, and he realizes now that he doesn't want to date me anyway.

Breathe, Claire. Breathe.

Just had to get that off my chest, because there's no point in messaging him again, but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I hate that people make everything so complicated. And that men get so butt hurt when you say no and attack you. I guess he couldn't pull the usual OKC jerk move of calling me fat when I rejected him, because his wife looked like she ate three of me for breakfast, so he resorted to calling me a cheater. (ETA - that comment about the wife was mean. But true. Holy hell, I am not usually judgy about other people's weight, I save that for myself, but she was ... Yeah.)

Seriously...Fuck everyone.

Except that guy I had a great third date with today, and the other guy I'm meeting for the first time next week. Well. Maybe fuck them too, but in a different use of the word :p
 
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You know I'd feel very "dodged a bullet there" with that guy, 'cause I wouldn't want a thing to do with a guy who went on the attack like that when he didn't get his way.

I think I've mentioned that I personally worry about whether a guy might be cheating and wouldn't feel comfortable with a guy if I had no way to know (from his wife) that it's on the up and up, right? Well when faced with that, I simply explained my position that I had no way to know and it made me personally uncomfortable. No offense, that's just how I feel.

How bloody different from saying, "well clearly you are a cheater!" He sounds like an obnoxious ass. Furthermore if those initial requirements were agreements he had with his wife, and he was then prepared to break the rules of their poly if the alternative was not having a chance with you, I'd feel squicky about him as a decent dude.

I think you'd probably just as soon not have to think of any of this kind of stuff. He just sounds jerky is all.

Happy to hear about better prospects, and hope they end up being lots of fun! :D
 
I just caught up here and... wow that's infuriating. I'm infuriated for you.

ALSO. Good for you for figuring out that you want to be open instead of poly. There is nothing but nothing wrong with that.

Wishing you happiness!
 
I get not wanting to date someone who's cheating... But the whole thing of having to prove your not-cheating-ness on the first date is just beyond weird to me. I cannot even imagine how hard Andy would laugh if I told him he had to make it to my two first dates next week - both of which are taking place while he's at work. He has been on one first date with me, over four years ago. His reaction was to tell me I'm on my own with that from now on, and he'll eventually meet the guys I date, or not.

The whole paranoia about cheating... How do you "verify" the folks who claim to be single? How do you know the person on the other end of the phone or across the table is *really* the husband, not an actor? It seems to me the best you can do is just date somebody for a while, if they're not on the up and up, it'll be clear pretty quickly.

Dodged a bullet with that guy, yes. I do not see myself getting along with someone who has six required parameters for a first date, even if I could get over the spouses being there thing.

AutumnLeaves, thank you :) I know it's mostly just semantics - what I call open is what a lot of people would call poly - but it matters to me to have it straight in my head. I don't feel like I'm twisting my brain into pretzels anymore in a desperate attempt to make sense of my life. I don't second guess everything I do.

I can even politely tell a super experienced poly dude to take a hike, vent on my blog, and not ramble for pages wondering if I'm some horrible failure and I'm letting everyone down ;)
 
Ugh about "must have chaperones" dude. People like that are the reason I don't often actually date anyone...

Claire, I know I'm one of the people who tried to define poly at you, and I'm sorry if anything I said contributed to you feeling pushed at or as if you weren't being heard. In your last few posts, you very, very clearly explain why you aren't poly, and reading those, I can see where previously I didn't really understand what you were saying.

I'm glad you've sorted out some of these feelings and definitions for yourself. Doesn't matter what label anyone might use, you're Claire, and if you're happy, that's the important thing.
 
No apologies necessary KC (or anyone!)... If it took me over a year to understand what doesn't fit about poly, I don't blame anyone else for being confused!

Especially since I do believe, very much, that I can love many people without any conflict. I just can't *commit* to more than one wholeheartedly. I wonder if it has something to do with my anxiety - where others shrug and say, "I'll just make it work, whatever happens", I see countless doomsday scenarios that leave me forced to choose one partner or the other. (Both partners need a kidney from me! What do I do??? Anxiety brain :rolleyes:)

These days I am just incredibly grateful to be married to Andy, who sees things exactly the way I do. We've had great talks lately. About how love is not zero sum, neither is desire or passion or lust, but the concrete stuff like time, energy, money really IS finite. And we are both ... Pragmatists. Andy said the other night, "Ninety-nine percent of the time, the juggling act works, but at some point, there's going to be a conflict."

I guess where we differ from the poly mindset is that we don't look at potential conflicts and say, we'll figure it out, or, we'll all compromise... We say, our marriage is priority one. I love you, your happiness is important, so I'll do my best to be accommodating and supportive of the other people and things in your life. But if the shit hits the fan, and you can't put my needs first, we shouldn't be married.

What's funny is its not like we made a *rule*. What good is a rule? I don't want Andy to put me first because he said he would - I want him to do it because he wants to! We just both agree that unless the other is 100% committed to making our marriage happy, even if that means sacrificing in other areas, we are already over.

What I have been telling potential guys is that my husband and I don't have any hard and fast rules, or any limits or restrictions on other relationships - but my marriage is my first priority, it does take up quite a bit of my time and energy, and because of that I'm not looking for intense, invested relationships. People seem to get it, and be fine with it.
 
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
What I have been telling potential guys is that my husband and I don't have any hard and fast rules, or any limits or restrictions on other relationships - but my marriage is my first priority, it does take up quite a bit of my time and energy, and because of that I'm not looking for intense, invested relationships. People seem to get it, and be fine with it.
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That is a good way to put it. Very clear.
 
I had a total Christmas Vacation / Clark Griswold moment today. I decided to surprise Andy by setting up the mini Christmas tree in the kitchen while he was taking a nap. Got it all up, all decorated, plugged it in, and ... Only the half the lights come on :cool:

Thank fuck for Amazon Prime. I ordered replacement bulbs while drinking a beer at our favorite bar tonight.

This is about the most drama that happens in my life when I'm not trying to poly ;)

Me and my sad, sad tree
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/album.php?albumid=941&pictureid=3480
 
Magdlyn said something in another thread here that made me think...

Magdlyn said:
For example: some people need a breather of several hours, or even a day, to rest or switch gears, between being sexual with 2 lovers. So if they are obliged to have sex with both men in a few hour period, they may feel used, like an object, or like a bone being fought over by 2 dogs.
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I'm one of those "needs a breather" people. A few hours? A day? Lol. I need AT LEAST a few days between partners, before it stops feeling icky and gross. A week or more before I actually feel genuine craving for sex with the other partner.

Luckily, the ew-too-soon feeling doesn't extend to the sort of stuff Andy enjoys most, which is basically me service topping him with toys and role play. Even in our mono days, that was never something that felt arousing or sexual to me at all, it's enjoyable purely for being something pleasurable for him that I can do. So if he wants sexy time while I'm still feeling like all my sexual energy is going in another direction, we have options.

And I've come to enjoy reversing the roles lately, letting Andy use toys and hands and fantasy talk to get me off. (Thank god, or I'd be going insane - I haven't had Piv sex since Dag!) I'm hoping that will be easier to do after being with another partner, because it doesn't require that total shift of my sexual attraction. I can just imagine my current lust object as the star of whatever fantasy I'm indulging ;)

But - PIV? The soonest I have been able to enjoy that with someone after doing it with someone else is a MONTH. Before that it feels... like something is being violated. Just weird and uncomfortable. Which is why, when Andy and I still did that regularly, I couldn't imagine opening our relationship. Even once I knew that he would just as soon not bother, and was only doing it because it was what I needed, I still couldn't imagine being with anyone else.

So I really can't imagine having more than one other sex partner besides my husband. Unless they were both so casual that it was a once every month or two type thing. Which is fine. The tricky part, though, is trying to be ok with my hypothetical partner juggling multiple regular sexual relationships. It's hard not to project my own shit onto them, and wonder if they're feeling ew-gross-too-soon about sex with me sometimes :( If they're still feeling sexy feels for their wife/gf/other fwb/??? and I'm just... a chore, maybe. Or the human equivalent of a blow up doll they're using to get off while wishing they were with someone else.

Both those possibilities stress me when I'm dating someone who has other partners. With Andy, well, if he's not in the mood, he'll just say so. Or if what he wants is to have me top him while he fantasizes about something/someone, he'll tell me that, too, and I can say yes or no thanks. With other guys - that trust isn't usually there. So I'm sometimes second guessing whether I'm the one they really want to be with at that moment. It's MUCH easier for me to avoid those worries if I know nothing about their sex lives with others. My ex Tyler used to occasionally mention having had sex with his wife or fuck buddy, and I'd just become uninterested in sex with him for a few days. (I know that felt like a punishment to him, I never could explain it to him differently. )

Anyway. I've been thinking about this lately, because I know sex with New Guy will be soonish if I want it, and I'm not entirely sure I want it. There are other guys I'd maybe like to date a little more. And no matter how many times I tell myself that sex with one guy doesn't have to mean giving up the others, my libido refuses to listen. :cool:
 
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
But - PIV? The soonest I have been able to enjoy that with someone after doing it with someone else is a MONTH. Before that it feels... like something is being violated.
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Thanks for sharing...
 
You're really peeling away the layers of the onion, Girl, and it's inspiring to read. My partner Pixi also suffers from anxiety, and I've been with her on her journey through her 30's as she works to free herself from the blockages of her very difficult childhood, so reading your posts is enlightening to the kinds of things she deals in.

So, thank you for being brave and articulating your inner work so well.

I'm glad you're accepting the kind of pleasure Andy is offering you since you're not ready to get sex from others right now.
 
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Tinwen said:
Thanks for sharing...
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It's really amazing what I'm willing to share, lol. I should go back and reanswer that question on OKC about the "most private thing you're willing to admit online" :D

Magdlyn said:
You're really peeling away the layers of the onion, Girl, and it's inspiring to read. My partner Pixi also suffers from anxiety, and I've been with her on her journey through her 30's as she works to free herself from the blockages of her very difficult childhood, so reading your posts is enlightening to the kinds of things she deals in.
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I'm trying! Anxiety is a real bitch sometimes. I know I got off pretty easy, mental health issue wise, when I look around at my nutty, reality-challenged bio family... but I still struggle some days.

The hardest part for me, honestly, is that it makes me CONSTANTLY question myself. Anytime I think or feel differently than someone else, I assume I'm the one who's messed up and wrong. "It must be my anxiety fucking shit up again!" It's so hard for me to distinguish *me* from *anxiety*. Dangerously easy to view everything about myself as something that is broken and needs to be fixed.

These days I'm doing a little better. Instead of trying to break down whether what I'm feeling is "just anxiety", I'm asking myself, is this need/emotion/whatever messing up my life and interfering with my happiness? Or is it just, you know, there, and not a problem? Because if it's not causing me pain or difficulty, then it doesn't need fixed just because others see things differently.

Like what I wrote above about sex. Are my feelings about sex related to my anxiety? Probably. But who cares. If I'm happier not having intercourse with multiple partners in a short time, that's ok. There's no rule that says I have to fuck everybody. I can just ... not ... and if I don't think they'd understand or accept my reasons, well, I don't owe them an explanation.

Of course, that last bit is one of the things that's way easier for me in casual fwb situations than fancy official "Relationships". I think of meeting someone's sexual needs - or at least trying - as part of committing to being romantic partners. With FWBs... eh, it's not as hard for me to just say, "sorry, not today!", without feeling like I should be making some effort to compromise or explain.
 
I really enjoy reading your blog GFT, and you've come such a long way to trust yourself.

Just remember when you feel anxious, to sit with the feeling and notice it mindfully, and then you'lol find it easier to sit with thoughts as they come. "Am I feeling anxious> yes or no. If yes,. I will sit and listen to the thoughts with out judging or acting on them, just listen and see if they are the same thoughts when no. If no, keep note for thinking something outside of a feeling that it may be truth or someone's else truth, but at least you heard it with out anxiety noise.

Every time you sit quietly and are kind and gentle towards you is one more step for heari your truth more closely.

I have no advice on how to tell others to fuck off nicely with the noise thoug in the moment, I always seem to come up with ideas far after the event that caused anxiety stress and indecision in me ;)
 
Right now I'm curled up with Andy and the dogs, with a roaring fire and a sparkly Christmas tree. I should be relishing this perfect wintry night but... ugh anxiety flare ups.

I've been stressing (for no reason! why am I stressing about this???) about whether or not to have sex with New Guy. I like him. The chemistry is great. We have a blast together. It's just... I dunno. Something nagging at me, some gut feeling saying no, or not yet, at least. And I don't know if it's something about him, or simply my baggage causing problems.

Mostly it's a sense of shame around wanting sex, wanting piv sex, wanting it enough that I'm willing to go outside my marriage for it, wanting it without serious commitments. Feeling like those things mean I don't deserve good experiences if/when I do have sex.

None of that is anything new, and it's stuff I thought I had gotten past, so I'm frustrated it's come around again. Rationally I know I deserve to have good sex - not in a "the world owes me this" way, but in the sense that I have the right to preferences and desires, and the right to engage in only those sexual experiences that I enjoy. But that jerk voice in my head is back, saying that I'm a slut now, and sluts don't get sweet, tender, affectionate sex. Or at least, they don't get to ask for it or expect it. They have to just take whatever is on offer. There's almost a "beggars can't be choosers" idea to it - that if I'm searching for sex, I should be grateful for any that comes my way, and not be picky and expect it to be all that great.

And I am picky. Ridiculously so. I feel stupid a lot of days, because I'm complaining about not getting laid, and then turning around and rejecting guys left and right. I want sex, but... I want good sex, with somebody I like, who genuinely likes me back.

Some days it seems like that's the impossible dream.

Some days I just wish I had the balls to say, "Hey, New Guy, I really like making out with you, but could you stop saying 'you're so sexy' and tell me I'm beautiful instead? Because sexy as a compliment does nothing for me. It's too close to slutty and makes me uncomfortable. Oh and also, if we do have sex, and you don't stay for a while after to hang out, I'll cry for days, but you won't know, because I'll avoid you forever. Ok? Cool, thanks."
 
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