Trying polyamory for the first time and finding it hard

[nomadphysicist]

Background: My partner and I have been together for nearly 4 years, she was my first real love, the only person I've ever had sex with, ever really kissed. We have a 2 year old son together and are currently travelling the world for the past 1.5 years. She is Bi and I am straight.

Before we first got together she told me that she was polyamorous, but that she had only ever had 1 poly relationship, others had been monogamous and had broken up at least once due to cheating. But back then I was a young kid in love, never been in a relationship before, let alone one with many people so couldn't really understand this. So we essentially assumed a mono relationship, partly easy due to her being pregnant and having a young baby. About a year ago, she kissed and had a bit of an emotional affair with some guy, and was very sorry for it, I felt really bad at the time and started to consider the idea of becoming poly but due to feelings and events it just kind of slipped my mind.

About 2 weeks ago, I noticed that she liked another guy (before she did actually) and it got us talking abut poly again, I feel this was a better place to talk from trusting eachother rather than some amount of cheating. After a few days we agreed that for one night (her birthday) she could be free to do what she wanted with this guy, for her happiness but also to gauge how I would react. I felt quite lost all evening wondering what was happening and when she came back she told me they had kissed and touched eachother but no sex. I've been quite sad this past week and trying to determine where my emotions are coming from/rationalise them. As I say, we are travelling so in a few days time we will be moving place and she will have to say goodbye to this guy, so again we have said she can be free until we leave. Now I'm on my own with our sleeping son and my head is whirring about what might be going on.

A big thing for me is sex, when we were first together it was amazing but since having our son (2.5 yrs), I can probably count on my hands the number of times we have, and even those tend to end with her getting upset or finding my belly disgusting, it just feels like the chemistry has disappeared somewhat. I really want to work to improve this, and have not throughout this wanted to go looking for another sexual partner, for me I feel like I need to have a good sex life to feel secure in my relationship and we are trying but it upsets me that she could potentially have a much better sex life so quickly with someone else. It feels like we are really trying to work to get something that might come so easily with someone else, and I feel a bit like a failure/inadequate. I know the theory that it's not she's seeking something I lack, but something different, but the feelings are still there and I don't know how to change those.

The other thing I worry about long term is if we engage in a poly, there would come a time where I might not be the most important partner. This scares me because again, we have encountered a lot of problems together and worked really hard to get through and I am so proud of our relationship and teamwork for that. I feel so much of the time that we are one person now, and it feels that if someone else were equally or more than important than I that this would not be the relationship I initially sought. I know in that situation I always have the opportunity to leave but I don't ever want to lose her, losing her entirely seems a lot worse than sharing her, she and my son are my world and my little family is the most important thing for me. I guess I'm wanting to try this to find a way that we can last forever, no matter how cliche that is.

I've never considered myself poly, despite her always telling me I am free to seek other women, but at the end of the day I've only ever been with her and haven't had any connections with women since being with her so I don;t know whether I could love two people.

I guess what I want advice on is how do I know if I can accept this, how can I tell when feelings are something I can work through or something that I could never handle? How do I work through and handle these feelings of inadequacy? How do I cope when she is out with her "friend", hwo do I stop my mind obsessing over what's happening? And do you think this can work out or alternatively do you think her continuing to try monogamy would work or as I'm thinking would either lead to resentment or just affairs happening?

Mainly I just want to people to talk to about this since I don't feel comfortable talking to any of my friends/family about my partner wanting to sleep with and fall in love with other guys, maybe one day if I was more secure with this but right now I can't be dealing with their judgement of it so internet strangers seem better. Thanks for any help guys,

 

[SW1231]

I am in no way "experienced" in poly, I've only been in my first poly relationship for 17 months. But, I can think of a suggestion that would maybe be an easier platform to try.
I think it makes sense to try having a threesome first, with another woman. Someone you guys to come onto together. You mentioned your wife being bi...
If you're feeling insecure, and unsure of how you'll react, seeing her get into new relationship energy/excitement with a new man might send you off the rails. Ease into it, by playing first. Don't jump right into full blown poly relationshipping. Have you guys had threesomes before?
Does that make sense?

 

[Dagferi]

In what universe does having a threesome ease anyone into poly?

Polyamory does not equal group sex. And many poly people PERFER to keep our relationships separate.

 

[opalescent]

nomadphysiciat,

You are not alone. Your fears, worries and concerns are felt by people who are in similar situations.

Your partner let you know she is poly and has for reasons of life (baby, travel) hasn't really practiced it. So you were off the hook for a while. Now she has had the opportunity and wants to meet people, have partner's etc.

Now you have the opportunity to work on yourself. Poly will allow you the chance to really look at who you are, face some serious, scary internal stuff and hopefully learn and grow from dealing with those things. You are being offered a chance to become a better version of yourself. The challenges you mentioned are all commonly expressed concerns - lack of sex, disappointing chemistry, possibly co-dependence, fear of not being the most important or special. (The 'one person' comment is telling. You and her are never one person - that can be a very toxic romantic notion our society pushes on us. Look at it very closely.)

Of couse other things push 'growth opportunities' on us, like being parents, demanding jobs and other things. And you do not need to be poly yourself to do this self-growth work. You can remain happily mono while your wife explodes poly relationships. It's hard and challenging but entirely possible. Tag search for 'mono/poly' to read folks experiences with it here.

I suggest reading here widely. There is much to learn from and consider here.

 

[Tinwen]

Greatings to a fellow physicist

A big thing for me is sex, when we were first together it was amazing but since having our son (2.5 yrs), I can probably count on my hands the number of times we have, and even those tend to end with her getting upset or finding my belly disgusting, it just feels like the chemistry has disappeared somewhat.

I'm sorry for this. If you have bad chemistry, you might have to accept that this is part of the reason that leads her to wanting other partners It's not that you are inadequate, rather incompatible (assuming it's due to chemistry, not due to lack of skill). On the bright side, often increasing the distance between partners (like getting some time off and experiencing new things) can actually increase the desire for reconnection and sex. You'll see if this is your case.

Otherwise, actually, you seem to be doing rather good, or at least not-so-bad. You seem to be talking with your partner, probably being able to make agreements (like when she will come home, so you don't have to wait and wonder), checking each step. You are now in a difficult spot of having to discover what you really need and prefer relationship-wise (with her, or possibly even with others). This process will take some time. Make sure to do good selfcare (like finding nice activities to do while she is away), introduce some balance (maybe if she gets some nights off and you watch the kid, you will also want an alone night to pursue some hobby of yours). You could have a journal to process your feelings better, writing and drawing helps. And lastly, you're welcome at this forum

 

[Marcus]

I think it makes sense to try having a threesome first, with another woman. Someone you guys to come onto together. You mentioned your wife being bi...
If you're feeling insecure, and unsure of how you'll react, seeing her get into new relationship energy/excitement with a new man might send you off the rails. Ease into it, by playing first. Don't jump right into full blown poly relationshipping. Have you guys had threesomes before?
Does that make sense?

Considering how sex-centric the original poster seems to be, this might not be a bad approach. It could help to demystify what his partner is doing when she is not around and warm him to the idea.

Of course, it could also be the straw that breaks the camels back and prompts him to discover that he is in no way non-monogamous. Either way, it might force the solution.

That is all, of course, assuming that his partner wants anything to do with him sexually (threesome or no), because it sounds like that ship might have sailed.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi nomadphysicist,

I take it when your partner is out visiting her friend, you are responsible for the care of your toddler. If so, maybe it would be fair for her to take over that job while you go out and have fun, it doesn't have to be a date though it can be. When she's away and you're at home, you need something to thoroughly occupy your mind so that you don't stress out over what she's doing. Taking care of the toddler would probably accomplish that, but if it doesn't maybe you can make up stuff to do that you like to do, stuff that she maybe doesn't enjoy so much.

I'm sure it would also help to keep reading and posting here on this forum.

Hang in there,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you are struggling.

I mean this kindly, ok? It might not be what you want to hear.

These things pop out at me from your post.

I have been together for nearly 4 years, she was my first real love, the only person I've ever had sex with, ever really kissed. We have a 2 year old son together and are currently travelling the world for the past 1.5 years.

That sounds like a lot of changes in a very short time. Maybe initially you were "in awe of her" because she was your fist lover or "running just to keep up" with the first 2 kids without taking time to think out how long term compatible you two actually ARE?

And now instead of her 2 kids, there's your kid with her also. A total of 3 babies/young kids.

So we essentially assumed a mono relationship, partly easy due to her being pregnant and having a young baby

So... did she want you as a companion/helper thru pregnancy and child care help? And now she's past that phase of her life and wanting to move on? Were you caught up in "white knight" stuff rescuing the damsel in distress?

(Sorry I cannot think of a nicer way to say that. But if you were caught up in something like that, that would be another factor that was initially "pushing you together" that may not be happening any more.)

When we were first together (sex) was amazing but since having our son (2.5 yrs), I can probably count on my hands the number of times we have, and even those tend to end with her getting upset or finding my belly disgusting, it just feels like the chemistry has disappeared somewhat.

New Relationship Energy (NRE) wears off in 6 mos - 2 years. There's this brain chemistry going on creating this "urgency" to be together.

Sounds like just as it was maybe fading, the pregnancy with your bio kid maybe "rebooted" the urge to be together. And now it is wearing off again now that child is about 2 yrs old.

It feels like we are really trying to work to get something that might come so easily with someone else, and I feel a bit like a failure/inadequate.

You sound like you are taking it personally, rather than accepting maybe the situation is no longer compatible. Or maybe never was.

Just a series of life events that kept "pushing you together" and now that there's a break from that "urgency" you can better assess actual long term compatibility.

I feel so much of the time that we are one person now...

You are not. You are two separate people AND a couple. You don't stop being individuals just because you date someone/marry someone.

I discourage you from thinking "we are One" -- likes books and movies encourage. That's fiction stuff.

In real life enmeshment is not healthy.

...and it feels that if someone else were equally or more than important than I that this would not be the relationship I initially sought.

You sound like you want to love only 1 sweetie (monoamorous) and you want to related in 1:1 relationship shapes (monogamy.) No other people in the network but you and your partner. If so? There is nothing wrong with wanting that for yourself.

I guess I'm wanting to try this to find a way that we can last forever, no matter how cliche that is.

This sounds like you thinking about doing poly not because you prefer and want to poly but because you want to avoid thinking about breaking up. Which is extra hard because you never broke up with anyone before.

Is that true?

I've never considered myself poly, despite her always telling me I am free to seek other women

Sounds like you prefer monogamy.

I guess what I want advice on is how do I know if I can accept this, how can I tell when feelings are something I can work through or something that I could never handle?

If you are only wanting to do poly to “not lose her” that's not likely going to last. You can look at posts like that on this forum. It's mainly a postponement or dragging it out.

That why the cliche is "relationship broken, do not add more people." Starting from rocky foundations is not a good way to enter poly. All poly does is magnify the already existing cracks.

If she wants to actively practice poly and you at heart prefer monogamy? You have to come to terms with that incompatibility even if it makes you feel sad.

Neither is wrong -- polyamory and monogamy are both fine relationship models. You guys just have incompatible preferences. Make your peace with that. The SITUATION is just not compatible if you both are looking for different models romantically.

Then sort out next steps and custody of these 3 kids so she is free TO find poly partners in a clean way and you are free TO find monogamous partners in a clean way. Not add more people to the mix and make more upset and turmoil.

She cannot do monogamy if her heart is not in it any more than you can do polyamory if your heart is not in it. Be SUPER honest with each other and talk.

How do I work through and handle these feelings of inadequacy?

Stop taking things personally like it is your fault, you are not enough, etc. Why call yourself names and be your own bully?

You are totally enough YOU. You are lovable. It isn't that you are not lovable.

The problem is the SITUATION. You got involved with a pregnant single mom poly person as your first dating experience/lover. Then quickly had a child together. That's a lot of life changes at once without stopping to take a step back and assess – how compatible IS this partner really?

As a young adult looking at my first adult relationship, I didn't want parents or pregnant people. I wanted a single person. ONE person. Not a "package of 3 -- the parent and 2 kids."

Perhaps the whirwind urgency of courtship and brain chemistry was pushing you together. And whirlwind of caring for her 2 kids. And the whirlwind of pregnancy of you bio kid (and maybe family pressure) was pushing you together.

Now that there's a breather to step back -- sounds like she realizes she wants something else. And you are coming to terms with what she wants (poly) is maybe not what you prefer or want for you. (monogamy.)

I suggest you take the time out to assess NOW how long term compatible you are. Stop avoiding doing that work.

Do not float along into the next thing (poly) and find you are way over your head AND involving more people. That's making more stress, not lessening it.

You are not going to "lose her." She's your co-parent. That's a bond for life.

But don't cling to the current relationship shape (romance/marriage shape) if it no longer fits. Be ok allowing it to change to a new relationship shape with her (coparents + exes + friends) if that allows you to be together in a way that doesn't chafe or stress.

I wish you guys had sorted out this incompatibility long ago before having a kid together. But it is what it is, so you have to sort it out NOW.

This is an unfortunate situation. But that doesn't mean either of you is bad people.

I think you two could sit down and be SUPER DUPER HONEST with yourselves and with each other. Determine what each of you wants from life. And if you guys turn out to want incompatible things, make peace with that and break up.

Let the relationship shape change to "coparents + exes + friends" rather than keep trying to fly a romantic kite that won't fly any more.

Galagirl

 

[nomadphysicist]

Thanks for the input from everyone, as for the last comment from GalaGirl, I think you may have misunderstood. There is only one kid, our 2 year old son, no others, man three kids, travelling the world and dealing with this now THAT would be difficult!

I actually ended up hanging out with another woman last night whilst she was out with T, I'm not sure she was "into" me and nothing happened apart from having a really nice social time together and with my son. Keeping social whilst anything might be happening seems like a good call.

As for I, she came home last night and said that they'd kissed but she didn't want to do anything more than that because she didn't want to hurt my feelings, we then proceeded to be intimate and nearly had sex, it was a really close experience. She's out again now with T, but she said that she's not really fancying him much anymore so perhaps it was just a passing crush, still I know this is a situation which will reemerge so I don't want to be complacent. The fact that she didn't want to because of my feelings is touching, but also I can't help but fear that even that would lead to resentment, resentment of my feelings a completely irrational but difficult thing to deal with, so I think that in order for this to improve we need to focus on trying to alleviate those feelings, to a situation where we are both comfortable.

The threesome thing is an interesting idea, we never have but have talked about it before, I guess with a kid it seems difficult for us both to be out dating at the same time, and whilst travelling it is hard to find anyone you trust enough to watch him. Still where there's a will there's a way, and I will talk with her about this as a transitional step and actively trying to pursue it rather than just complacently waiting for the next situation to confront us.


I'll consider the one person thing further.. again thanks

 

[SW1231]

QUOTE: The threesome thing is an interesting idea, we never have but have talked about it before, I guess with a kid it seems difficult for us both to be out dating at the same time, and whilst travelling it is hard to find anyone you trust enough to watch him. Still where there's a will there's a way, and I will talk with her about this as a transitional step and actively trying to pursue it rather than just complacently waiting for the next situation to confront us.END QUOTE




The reason I suggested it in the first place, is because it is a way to "get your feet wet", without jumping into trying to be a polyamorous person. I also suggested it because you said your wife is bi. Experiencing threesomes are GREAT ways to push your boundaries, without detaching from your partner.
Polyamory does not equal threesome, but you know what? They are REALLY fun. Not everyone who is polyamorous enjoys group sex, but you know what? Lots of us do. Be open to the possibility of all of it. You do not know what you enjoy, what you dislike, etc. until you try.
It was just a suggestion, and it was not presented as gospel. You seem to be very much in love with your wife, and this might be a great way to open up your relationship, without "going your separate ways" for separate relationships, just yet.
Good luck. I am jealous that you are traveling the world! Your son will be so worldly!! Good for you guys! <3

 

[GalaGirl]

Thanks for clarifying. When you wrote

So we essentially assumed a mono relationship, partly easy due to her being pregnant and having a young baby

I thought that was 2 kids from before you started dating her. And then came your bio kid.

I still encourage you to talk and be super duper honest with each other.

The fact that she didn't want to because of my feelings is touching, but also I can't help but fear that even that would lead to resentment

You seem to recognize that her "mainly doing mono" when she wants to poly could lead to her feeling resentful.

If poly really doesn't appeal to you but you are thinking of doing it anyway so as not to "lose her..." I'm not sure how that will play out.

I'm not sure if you have thought about YOU feeling resentful over time if you are doing poly but mainly want to mono.

So talk it out.

Galagirl

 

[Ravenscroft]

The threesome thing ... is a way to "get your feet wet", without jumping into trying to be a polyamorous person.

Experiencing threesomes are GREAT ways to push your boundaries, without detaching from your partner.

You do not know what you enjoy, what you dislike, etc. until you try.

Your heart is clearly well-intentioned... but it's NOT solid advice.

Group sex (swinging, whatever) is IMO a strong option for fulfilling a sexual need, with reduced expectations that getting one's pipes cleaned REQUIRES longterm Romantic commitment.

But it's NOT the shallow end of the nonmonogamy pool. If people haven't dealt with their inbuilt monogamist expectations, it's easy to take extramarital sex & try to Frankenstein it into sorta-monogamy.

It strikes me as trying to close "a can of worms" by opening another can.

And for many people "pushing boundaries" is about as FUN as getting robbed at gunpoint. It could take years of practice, likely with close guidance from someone of actual experience, before it's generally enjoyable.

(I've heard that extreme skiing is a blast, but it's unlikely I'll ever EVEN ONCE try a double-diamond slope in THIS lifetime. Why the heck would I recommend "just jump in!" to someone with LESS experience?)

 

[JaneQSmythe]

Chiming in on the Three-some suggestion.

As someone who enjoys group sex and ID's as poly, I don't think that really addresses what the OP is dealing with NOW (i.e. his female partner seeing another male). It is the partner that is Bi, not the OP. She is seeing a male, not a female. So..would this potential threesome be:

1.) OP, Partner + New Guy? Not likely - since the OP is straight. Some straight guys are comfortable having a threesome in a MFM dynamic (my boys, for instance) but they have to be pretty damn comfortable, confident, and secure

2.) OP, Partner + some Bi female that they haven't met yet and is magically into both of them? (And New Guy is out of the picture - which OP would like but Partner might object to.)

IMO OP and Partner need to sort out and mend their current relationship before three-somes are even on the table...

 

[Magdlyn]

The reason I suggested it in the first place, is because it is a way to "get your feet wet", without jumping into trying to be a polyamorous person. I also suggested it because you said your wife is bi. Experiencing threesomes are GREAT ways to push your boundaries, without detaching from your partner.

I disagree. Threesomes can go horribly wrong and cause all kinds of jealousy and resentment, if not in the moment, in the clear light of the next day. Especially if you're new at it.

Polyamory does not equal threesome, but you know what? They are REALLY fun.

Is the OP even looking for "fun" with others right now? No, he is not. He is looking for emotional support as his wife transitions from being a cheater to being "polyamorous." (ie: Just starting to date, not in love with anyone yet, just having attractions, getting crushes, going on first or second dates.)

Not everyone who is polyamorous enjoys group sex, but you know what? Lots of us do. Be open to the possibility of all of it. You do not know what you enjoy, what you dislike, etc. until you try.
It was just a suggestion, and it was not presented as gospel. You seem to be very much in love with your wife, and this might be a great way to open up your relationship, without "going your separate ways" for separate relationships, just yet.

Threesomes can go horribly wrong. Either woman might say to guy later, oh, you gave her more attention than me. Often a man new to threesomes will accidentally give more attention to the new woman. His penis might even go soft when it is brought to his attention to actually fuck his long term partner. That doesn't feel great to her (BTDT).

In this case, our OP has only had sex with one woman his whole life, and you're recommending he have sex with his wife and a stranger simultaneously? When that isn't even an interest or fantasy of his (or of his wife's, as far as we know)?

And in this case, as the OP said, they are travelling with a 2 year old. How are they supposed to find a female "unicorn" Hot Bi Babe, to whom they are both attracted, for casual threeway sex? Just grab anyone off Tinder? Hire a prostitute? And who babysits the toddler while mom and dad are shagging the HBB?

I'd say the main problem here is the couple had a child right away before even getting to know each other well. They married in the first rush of NRE. The sex has gotten stale, her loving feelings toward her h are dwindling, she is now claiming to be turned off by the husband's weight (not very loving behavior), he is insecure because of his lack of sexual experience, the toddler is demanding of a lot of time and attention (as toddlers do), the couple is "traveling," and we don't know how or why they are traveling, if they are working while traveling. We know they have no childcare.

But let's just have a hot FMF threesome! Yeah, that'll help.

Good luck. I am jealous that you are traveling the world! Your son will be so worldly!! Good for you guys! <3

 

[Dagferi]

QUOTE:
The reason I suggested it in the first place, is because it is a way to "get your feet wet", without jumping into trying to be a polyamorous person. I also suggested it because you said your wife is bi. Experiencing threesomes are GREAT ways to push your boundaries, without detaching from your partner.
Polyamory does not equal threesome, but you know what? They are REALLY fun. Not everyone who is polyamorous enjoys group sex, but you know what? Lots of us do. Be open to the possibility of all of it. You do not know what you enjoy, what you dislike, etc. until you try.

I am a heterosexual woman I do not need to try sex having sex with another woman to know I don't like it.

Butch likes BDSM. The idea of what he wanted to do to him freaked me out. I didn't need to try it to know that. He pushed me with the never know to you try it argument. Guess what happened? I resented him and didn't trust him intimately anymore. It has taken years for me to rebuild that trust and we are still not back to where we were.

You don't need to try something to know that you won't like it.

 

[FallenAngelina]

Adding my voice to the chorus cautioning against trying a threesome. In addition to the emotional mind-fuck a threesome can be, even for the sexually experienced, this woman you bring in would basically be a vibrator for your relationship, a tool for you and your partner, and it's crappy to use someone like that. Even when everyone agrees up front that it's all in fun, threesomes very rarely turn out to be just that simple unless the partners are all quite mature, well acquainted and experienced. Threesomes seem so casual and fun (an image propagated ad infinitum via porn) but they are usually psychologically intense. That's the draw: they are specifically not like "regular" couple sex. Threesomes certainly can be fun and can be simple, but that's the grand exception, not the rule.

 

[Tinwen]

She's out again now with T, but she said that she's not really fancying him much anymore so perhaps it was just a passing crush, still I know this is a situation which will reemerge so I don't want to be complacent. The fact that she didn't want to because of my feelings is touching, but also I can't help but fear that even that would lead to resentment, resentment of my feelings a completely irrational but difficult thing to deal with, so I think that in order for this to improve we need to focus on trying to alleviate those feelings, to a situation where we are both comfortable.

You seem to be reaching for some kind of compromise. This determination to work on things sounds promising. I'm cheering on you, hopefully you can do it - at least for the time being as your child is small.

 

[SW1231]

All very valid points, guys! I have always had really great experiences that way, but I am me, and he is not. I am also a hopeless utopian. :/

 

[Pollywog]

Similar situations

Background: My partner and I have been together for nearly 4 years, she was my first real love, the only person I've ever had sex with, ever really kissed. We have a 2 year old son together

I get that. I'm in the same boat with 19 years together, and three kids. We met in High School, and she is the only person I've been with. I am new to the forum, and don't have any great advice. I wish you the best, and hope for some positive updates!

 

[nomadphysicist]

Thanks for all the great input guys, it seems the threesome thing is quite contentious! It is something that we've discussed before but I get that it can be quite different to a poly situation, just like 1 night stands are different to long term relationships. I'm still not sure whether I would want to engage with other people but doesn't seem as alien as it once did, can I ask what people's opinions on primary/secondary situations are? Is it possible to work like that or for a healthy situation is equality necessary?

We've now moved on and it turned out in the end T was a bit nasty, her words not mine. But we're talking lots about it, and are in a good place. I'm confident that our communication and mutual love will see us to a good situation.

As for why we're travelling, why the hell not? It's brilliant seeing so many new things, especially for our son, and is the perfect time to broaden ones mind, in more ways than one eh?