It's a Texlahoma Story

I'm on vacation!!!! I'm also sick as hell, but i don't care, because vacation.i have been dismissing my crud as allergies - then, hmmm maybe it's a cold - now I'm pretty sure I either have a roaring sinus infection, or Ebola. But whatever. Just because I've had to sleep propped upright on pillows for a week, doesn't mean I'm going to miss my long weekend.

(I did mean to go to the doctor, but this week was crazy, oh well, when I get home.)

So I'm parked by the pool, Margarita in hand, reading and coughing and sneezing. Andy is cruddy and exhausted so he has basically been sleeping for two days. At first I was super frustrated and disappointed, but I've sort of adjusted my expectations. If he wants to sleep? That's ok. That's what he needs. I'm still going to swim and wander and drink frosty things and people watch. Every couple of hours I check in with him, but so far he's only wanted to leave the hotel for lunch and dinner. Me, I cannot spend thousands and just... sleep somewhere different. So I'll just bounce around alone and take selfies of myself with tropical plants lol.

Other news- I met an INSANELY HOT BOY. I do not know if there is any long term potential there. Probably no. On the first date I was already having to do the "hey I really don't want to hear about your wife or your girlfriend k thanx" thing. But. I could use a fling.

Is that awful? I feel a bit like I am plotting to seduce and take advantage of this sweet, shy, gorgeous boy. He is one of those poly guys who's all "it's not about the sex" and I'm sitting there like, welllll, it kinda IS, for me. I mean, yay for love and friendship, but if the sex isn't a big deal, why not just... have more platonic friends????

Anyway, if he's up for being seduced and taken advantage of, cool;) If he can STFU about his other ladies, maybe it'll go somewhere. If not I'll just savor the pretty selfies he sends.
 
Yay for tropical vacations, frosty drinks, and cute boys! Nothing at all wrong with flings! :) I met a cute boy, too! He works out a lot and has an insanely hot body but he's younger than I've ever dated. More fling material than relationship material I think.

On the "I'm only poly for the love" thing, I've always thought that's bs, too. May be about the love, too, but it's also about the sex....

I hope you feel better soon!
 
PinkPig said:
And I hope Andy wakes up soon ;)
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Lol... he woke up. We walked to lunch. He got a bunch of urgent work calls (hello Saturday???) and went somewhere to call people. Soooo it's just me and my boozy root beer float. Yay for alcohol ;)

Oh the boy ... he's mid 40s but omg y'all he's 6'5"!!!! And he is a daily gym rat/runner like me. Mmmmm :p
 
I wish "fuck off" was an acceptable response to "Happy Mother's Day" :cool:

I mean, I sincerely hope all the moms out there are having a wonderful day, and being celebrated by their kids and coparents. Yay for moms! But I HATE being wished happy mother's day by strangers. I'm not a mom. Do they just assume all women are moms ??? It's always been a tough holiday for me. My mom was sick, then dead, and all the potential surrogate mom figures in my life were abusive or crazy or both. When I eventually acquired a step mom, she was more inconvenienced by my existence than anything else.

So yeah, have the day, hug your mom, get cute cards from your kids, but for fucks sake, don't assume everybody is celebrating, you know? Although since we were traveling home today, through places where English is not everyone's native language, a lot of my well wishes were phrased as "Happy Day Mothers!" Somehow that made it a tiiiiny bit easier.

The rest of vacay was quiet but fun. Andy was on work calls non stop, dealing with the computer hack mess that had the world all spun up this weekend. I sent bikini selfies to Hot Boy and he reciprocated with pics of himself in a suit and tie (he was at a wedding). There's nothing I'd rather look at than a man in a suit - maybe puppies, but yeah - so good day for Claire ;)

ETA - and I finally conquered my phobia of putting stuff up my nose, desperate times and all, and tried a nasal spray. Flonase is god. I can almost breathe.
 
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Ooops, thanks for making me aware, I should at least speak to my mom today. For the record, I always thought of it as more of a family holyday - I would find it pretty weird for people to wish just any woman a happy mothers day.
 
I feel bad that people with no mothers, or bad mothers, or who choose not to be mothers, have to go thru shit on Mother's Day. I had a great mom (gone now almost 10 years) and I think I was a great mom, but 2 of my kids have mental health issues so we don't really celebrate. I got texts from 2 of my 3 kids. And one from their dad. Otherwise Pixi and I just had some nice food and watched Rosemary's Baby as our celebration, lol. That's how we roll.

Now, Father's Day is even worse for me because my dad is a self centered Aspie jerk. Not the worst father in the world, he didn't beat us at least. But we never had a fond tight relationship. I'm always amazed at how some people admire and love their dads and have a close warm relationship! My dad was as distant as heck.
 
Magdlyn said:
Now, Father's Day is even worse for me because my dad is a self centered Aspie jerk. Not the worst father in the world, he didn't beat us at least. But we never had a fond tight relationship. I'm always amazed at how some people admire and love their dads and have a close warm relationship! My dad was as distant as heck.
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I am really lucky in the dad department - he's my best friend in the world. My maternal grandfather was amazing, too, and I have a couple of uncle types who I love like dads. With all the crazy in my family, there were several stable, strong men around, and they held us all together.

Sometimes I think having only men I trusted growing up, while all of the women were ... less than ideal, as nurturing caretakers... has made it hard for me to trust women as an adult. I do have female friends I love, but I do not lean on them the way I lean on guys. I'm more likely to go to K's husband if I need something than to her, even though I've known her far longer. And I'm initially VERY suspicious and careful around women, while I bond with men easily.
 
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
I am really lucky in the dad department - he's my best friend in the world. My maternal grandfather was amazing, too, and I have a couple of uncle types who I love like dads. With all the crazy in my family, there were several stable, strong men around, and they held us all together.

Sometimes I think having only men I trusted growing up, while all of the women were ... less than ideal, as nurturing caretakers... has made it hard for me to trust women as an adult. I do have female friends I love, but I do not lean on them the way I lean on guys. I'm more likely to go to K's husband if I need something than to her, even though I've known her far longer. And I'm initially VERY suspicious and careful around women, while I bond with men easily.
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That is very interesting, as I am the complete opposite! My grandfathers were also distant, either actively unpleasant, or just not much interested in a relationship. I had a small family, no uncles, no brothers, no cousins.

My mom was warm and nurturing and loving. My sister and I were and are tight, I have some great female friends, and of course, a dear female partner. I find it difficult getting along with most men, except the gay ones lol

Too bad I love the D, or I'd just give up and be a lesbian.:p
 
In "poly updates"... I am SO fickle and distractable in the early stages of dating. I'm still talking to Hot Boy, seeing him Thursday, but I've also started chatting with another guy. And I'm suddenly waaaay more excited by this person I've never met than by Hot Boy.

I think there's a part of me that's still holding out hope I'll meet somebody who is single - this guy is separated from his wife and going through divorce. Why does that appeal so much is the big question. I don't think the answer is simple. There's the possibility - however remote - of being able to have sex without condoms someday. There's the freedom from worrying about a nosy/overly friendly meta.

Honestly though, a lot of it is simply that I don't get why someone who is totally and completely satisfied with their marriage would seek other partners. If your sex life is fabulous, why bother? I know that is my bias talking. I have had far more regrettable sex partners than worthwhile ones, so I see the odds of a new partner being a negative experience as pretty high, only worth the risk if you are not getting needs met in existing relationships. But it's really hard for me to wrap my head around it when people see things differently. Which is why Hot Boy looks like a fling, at most, and this other dude screams long term potential.

Speaking of regrettable sex partners ... Clark has been messaging. A lot. I haven't answered. There's nothing to say???? I guess he wants "closure" and to understand, but... dude... we dated for a few months, the sex was crap, I put our little pseudo relationship out of its misery.
 
Or just possibly on the last page alone, you have inadvertently spelled out the mental code that leads to your discomfort with female metamours.

Did any of these crazy women in your family history perchance cause stress and difficulty with the beloved caring men in your life? You relate more easily to men. So maybe the inherent higher interest in single men, and preference to not have to deal with a female meta even if there is one, ties back into this vague distrust of women, because you had some difficult ones in your life growing up?

I think in many ways, our ideas about our intimate relationships echo the things we learned from our family circumstances growing up.

My relationships with men, mostly my Dad, coded how I relate to men, which is that I want their love more than anything, but I fear and believe that it's completely transactional. If I am being in any way disappointing, they'll abandon me. I have to earn it, always, or choose men who have much lower social capital so that they will be happy to keep me. I am at risk of "scorekeeping" mentality and worse, codependency, and it's hard to have secure attachments. And punishing relationships feel more "right" than rewarding ones, which I constantly question.

With women, I am more trusting...but not as needy. I tend not to get as deeply emotionally invested, the stakes don't feel quite as high somehow. I admire other women easily. I don't suspect their motives or wonder about their intentions as much...but at the same time, it's hard to get those relationships off the ground, because I don't know how to set up the "transactional" model that I'm accustomed to dealing in with men, and they rarely provide the push and the momentum that propels things into a sexual interaction.
 
Spork said:
Or just possibly on the last page alone, you have inadvertently spelled out the mental code that leads to your discomfort with female metamours.

Did any of these crazy women in your family history perchance cause stress and difficulty with the beloved caring men in your life? You relate more easily to men. So maybe the inherent higher interest in single men, and preference to not have to deal with a female meta even if there is one, ties back into this vague distrust of women, because you had some difficult ones in your life growing up?

I think in many ways, our ideas about our intimate relationships echo the things we learned from our family circumstances growing up.
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Oh yes. I definitely grew up in a world where men were "providers" and women were "takers". Not just of money and material things, but time, energy, support, care.

The crazy men in my family were easy to spot - they were walking around the neighborhood barking, or dressed as Jesus babbling nonsense, or shooting each other. And while they were scary, they didn't really WANT anything, except to act out their crazy. Food and shelter, I guess, and the occasional ride to the social security office to straighten out their disability checks.

The women were plotters, schemers, liars, master manipulators. They'd hide things to say someone stole them, hurt themselves and say someone beat them. And the breakdowns that required everyone to drop everything were a constant. We were probably the only family in the 1980s where people still regularly "took to their bed" for weeks on end.

My aunt got it in her head once that there was something wrong with her teeth, they were causing terrible pain. She went to DOZENS of doctors and dentists, requiring rides, and hand holding, I mean every visit was crying hysteria, followed by pills and passing out. Nobody saw a damn thing wrong with her teeth. Eventually she convinced some doctor to pull ALL of her teeth. I dunno, you crazy at enough doctors, one will be greedy enough to just do what you're asking. We take her, we wait for hours, then when she wakes up... She's HYSTERICAL because she HAS NO TEETH. Thirty years later, she still has weeks she won't leave her bed because her teeth are gone, and she won't get dentures or implants because reasons.

I mean... This was my female model, you know? You beg and bribe until someone agrees to pull all your teeth out, and then you demand a lifetime of being catered to because you have no teeth.

It does make me sad that all of that childhood bullshit colors my world to this day. Even though I'm aware, even though I try to short circuit it...

When I'm reading forums online, I find that my opinion of posters changes radically if I learn I have guessed their gender incorrectly. I generally assume good intentions for posters I guess as male, and nefarious ones for those I perceive as female. It's fascinating ... Sad, but fascinating. In general, online or IRL, it just takes me FOREVER to trust women. Eventually I can, though. I think with K, D, and D2, it was about 3+ years each of regular hanging out, slowly letting my guard down, before they moved into the "friend" category in my mind.
 
Hot Boy canceled our lunch tomorrow because of work stuff... I'm kind of relieved. For reasons I don't quite understand, hanging out with him has brought up a lot of -weird- feelings for me.

Envy, mostly. If I dig down and face it. I'm envious that he has a hot sex life with his wife, while I don't have that with Andy.

I realized that all of the guys I have dated long term since opening my marriage were in the same boat as me, missing something in their sex life at home. A's wife was asexual, Tyler's was "90% lesbian bisexual", Dag and his wife were practically living separate lives.

Faced with potentially dating someone who is happy and fulfilled sexually ... I feel like the sad sack, pitiful, charity case. It feels so lopsided. That someone would be my main sex partner and I'd be just ... An afterthought in that way, to him. :cool: I don't like that feeling... Trying to figure out if it's a thing I can work through, or not.
 
Hello blog, it's been a while ...

Things are good, and I've been wary of messing them up by coming here and overanalyzing them! I'm seeing someone new, he's completely wonderful, it's only been a few dates, but I'm definitely in NRE land. Well, as NRE as I get - I actually rearranged my lawn mowing schedule to see him this week lol.

It's so weird how I agonize and struggle with dating and then... Boom, something comes along that just works, no worries, no stress. Everything's simple and fun, the sex is amazing, I can listen to him talk about his wife and think, she sounds like a cool person. (It probably helps that they are long distance and DADT, but hey, I'll take success where I can find it!) This is strictly fwb, if only because eventually either the wife will move here or he will move back, but it's easy and lovely.

I'll call him Castle, because he reminds me of Nathan Fillion's character on that show, both in looks and personality. Yeah, once in a while the online dating gods send us exactly what we've been needing ;)
 
That's awesome, Claire! I'm glad you've found just what (or would it be who?) you're looking for ;)
 
Thank so guys :) I keep meaning to write more about Castle but I've been busy hanging out with him and being ridiculously happy ! Tonight is Wonder Woman with Andy, K, and R. Life is just good these days. I think I finally got over trying to poly the 'right way' or the way others do. It's a lot easier when you're honest with yourself about what you want.
 
Ok, the boy :) Castle. My smart, funny, fascinating, incredibly sexy new guy. He's older (early 50s) but still does Iron Man triathlons. Works in real estate and is doing grad school too. He lived in my part of the world for a long time, then he and his wife moved to the east coast once their kids were in college, but he's back here helping with family stuff. Which means HE HAS HIS OWN PLACE. Just a little apartment, his old house here is leased since they moved, but it's PERFECT. We can walk to everything, I love the neighborhood. And I can go there whenever! No scheduling around spouses or paying for hotel rooms! It's heaven.

Finding a guy who's perfect for me (yes, hello NRE, lol) is wonderful ... But it's also a big wake up call in a way. Forcing me to face what I actually want, what really makes me happy in a relationship. Which is... Backwards and opposite from what I think I'm supposed to want :rolleyes:

Like it makes me so happy that he's not having sex with anyone else, except for his wife on his occasional trips home. I don't have to think about who else has been in the bed, or if he's naked with me hours after being with another woman. I don't have to choose between not asking and hoping it's been a few days, or asking and then getting uncomfortable because the answer is yeah, I was with so and so last night. I dunno why I get squicked out about not having that time between sex partners, but I do. Fighting it is hard. It's great not to have to fight it.

And knowing WHY he's doing the open relationship thing in his marriage - they're long distance, it's easy to understand - just having that explanation that makes sense to me, it's like a magic pill against my poly angst. I'm simply never going to understand the poly folks who are completely 100% satisfied in every way in their existing relationship(s) yet continue to seek others. I get being poly in the sense that, however happy you are, you want to be free to pursue relationships with amazing new people who cross your path. I get feeling like your existing relationship(s) are great but there are still needs or wants that aren't getting met. But the whole "my relationship is perfect and yet here I am on okc, searching and settling and getting frustrated"...:confused::confused::confused:

Anyway. I'm beyond happy to have found Castle. I hope he sticks around Dallas... For a while at least ... He's talking about moving back into his old house when the lease ends in December sooooo :D
 
Damn this guy is perfect... Yeah the NRE is crazy right now. I don't think I've felt like this since I first starting dating Andy. My more recent relationships, no matter how fun and exciting, came with a huge amount of scheduling stress and processing emotions - stuff that made it hard to get carried away with NRE. With Castle it's so - easy. Not necessarily *uncomplicated*, but easy.

He's leaving this weekend to go home for two weeks... Which sucks but honestly I can use the time to catch up on stuff I've been blowing off to go spend hours in bed with him. We had an amazing talk yesterday, about where we see our relationship going and what we want long term. He's making decisions about how long to stay in Texas, and the fact that he considers me a factor in that is just - wonderful and terrifying at the same time. Wonderful because I'm head over heels for him and it's amazing he feels the same about me. Terrifying because I worry that I'm not offering anything worthy of staying for - a couple afternoons or evenings a week is all I can give him.

Of course his family is here, his kids are in college in the area, his long time friends are nearby - this is where he's lived since his kids were little, it's not like I'm the only thing appealing about continuing to split his time. But still. It's a big thing, that I matter to him enough to be a factor after only a few weeks. He told me he took his dating profile down and I'm going to do the same... Just zero interest in meeting anyone else and it's weird to still be getting the "so and so sent you a message" emails from okc every day.

Even bigger relationship milestone - he gave me the code to get in the apartment building :p
 
What do you do when what you *should* want and what you *do* want don't line up :confused:

I have spent endless hours thinking and processing and analyzing ... And writing here on this blog ... I know, with my rational brain, that the kind of non monogamy that would work best for me is a casual friends with benefits thing. Some guy who wanted to hang out once every week or two, have crazy sex, go grab dinner or a movie, then we'd both go back to our happy, stable, primary relationships.

But when I meet those guys - handsome, smart, funny, sweet, sexy poly guys with great marriages - my heart just isn't in it. It's like, well, this is... nice. It's lovely, no really, it's great, I would just rather be mowing the lawn, or taking a nap, or honestly anything except dating these guys. As for sex, I can't get excited about it to save my life. I'm just not that into it - it feels almost pointless. :cool:

A few weeks with Castle, though, and boom, I'm head over heels crazy in - love? lust? Who knows, who cares. Because I'm getting all that stuff I shouldn't want but secretly do. The texts every hour saying how crazy he is about me, the spending hours together sitting around his apartment doing nothing, the intense relationship -y stuff. He gives me the code to the door, he takes his dating profile down and tells me he doesn't want anyone else, he wants to stay in Texas to be with me ... Those things should be huge red flags for a girl who just wants a FWB. But they are like crack cocaine to me.

Anyone who has read this blog must remember my rants about how I can't ever be anyone's "girlfriend" again, that's too serious, too confusing. Wellll... The other day Castle did the whole "so can I call you my girlfriend???" thing. I was doing my hair and I could see him in the mirror behind me, he just came up and put his hands on my shoulders and asked, and damn, my heart was doing little cartwheels of joy.

WTF, brain... Or maybe I should direct that question to my heart, or my vagina. Seriously, though. Why can't I want the thing that would make sense, fit easily into my life? Why is it this girlfriend / commitment/ "you're all I want" stuff that makes me want someone????
 
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