Show of hands

[Dagferi]

I wouldn't date someone whose SO absolutely refused to meet me. If they can't even muster the support for a FaceTime or something I would consider that a red flag.

Why. I don't care who my husbands date. But I don't want to be involved. I don't want nothing to do with a metamour I wont stick my nose in their relationship. You can ride the relationship escalator as far as you want with him. I just don't want to be involved one iota.

 

[sunray]

How do you know if someone you're dating is being honest about their communication with their significant other? Like if they don't want to meet you, how will you ever know if they know about you?

That's a tough one, and exactly why I personally shy away from dating people who prefer a 'don't ask, don't tell' type arrangement. I like to meet my metas, maybe even make friends with them if we seem compatible. At a minimum, I would want to exchange emergency contact info, in case something happened to our shared partner.

That's not to say there aren't other valid and healthy ways to manage things! Poly sure has room in it for all kinds of arrangements. You just need to figure out what your boundaries are around issues like this.

 

[Spork]

If anything, my preconceived ideas about what I wanted were more poly than mono. I have always wanted freedom. No rules, no limits. Do what seems good, within a loose set of basic ethics. I remember being 15 and asking a darling boy who had been a boyfriend but transitioned to a FWB after we broke up, why it was that just because he met a girl and wanted to be with her, he could not still come see me? Like if she's so cool, can't we be friends and couldn't she be cool with us still being a thing, too? Why is that so impossible a notion? I don't like possessiveness. I did not tend to expect my lovers to make me their only partner. I have always liked my life to be free and full of options.

However.

I tend to get "serious" for one reason or another, with men who expect and need that I won't have sex with other men. They are ok with other women being involved, but not other men. My ex was that way, and Zen is, too. It has been easier to agree with, with Zen...because it was stated in a more respectful way as a preference he had and not a demand. But still. If he'd only loosen up about other guys, his odds of getting other women would increase, too. As it stands, our odds of doing poly things are not very high.

I can be happy with just him. We're great together. But once in a while that free spirit within gets slightly restless and grumps a bit about not being able to do whatever.

I can't look at life or love as a thing with this end goal where you are stable with one person, or more people, and it stays just so for LIFE with no change. "Happily ever after." and all that. Life and love...it's a journey, not a destination, and learning and growing is all part of the fun.

 

[Marcus]

T

I wouldn't date someone whose SO absolutely refused to meet me. If they can't even muster the support for a FaceTime or something I would consider that a red flag.

I would probably consider it a curiosity, and would most likely prompt a conversation about it.

I take them at their word. If I can't trust them that far I wouldn't be dating or having a relationship with them.

Word.

The amount of curiosity I would feel about that situation would be inversely related to how much I know this person. If I trust them at their word then I trust them, if I'm just getting to know them then it would be something that gets on my radar.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Polyglamorous,

I'm not sure it's possible to really know if someone you're dating is being honest about their communication with their significant other. Let's say a woman -- Nicole -- is thinking about dating a certain man, and that man says that his wife knows about it and that she is okay with it. So Nicole asks to meet his wife. Even if she does meet his wife, how does she know that that's really his wife? short of breaking out marriage certificate and driver's license -- and even those could be counterfeit. True, I sound rather paranoid when I talk like that. The point is there is no such thing as 100% trust, there are only degrees of trust leading up to 100%.

Now WRT to your other questions ...

I had no preconceived idea of what relationship model I wanted. I probably would have been open to quite a number of things. I am still with the original people I transitioned with, except my wife who passed away. I more or less stumbled into polyamory, via falling in love with someone new, and that someone doing some research. I didn't feel like I was learning to date again, I just kind of went with the flow. As for the notion that the first one will stay around, I don't think that's silly at all.

Anyway those are my answers.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[WildColonial]

How many folks here had a preconceived idea of a relationship model that you wanted before trying?

How many people are in that style of relationship?

Is there any people who are still with the original people they transitioned with?

How many people just kinda of stumbled into polyamory?

Is this like learning to date all over again? Like don't expect the first one to stay around, and if you think they will you're silly, kind of thing?

1. My preconceived notion of a relationship was not only a monogamous one, but also a heterosexual one.

2. My nesting partner is female, and all of my other interests are female. So needless to say, I am not involved in the relationship model that I mentioned above.

3. R and I have been together for three years.

4. In my previous experiences with polyamory, I connected with one partner on Fetlife and another on OKCupid. I wasn't looking for polyamory; it found me, if that makes sense.

5. It is like learning to date all over again. R and I are the classic "U-Haul lesbians." It's a little odd (but in a good way) to flirt with and court other people. Two weeks ago when L and I spent the night together, it was a bit unreal.

 

[MsEmotional]

Why. I don't care who my husbands date. But I don't want to be involved. I don't want nothing to do with a metamour I wont stick my nose in their relationship. You can ride the relationship escalator as far as you want with him. I just don't want to be involved one iota.

Just a preference, I suppose. It's creepy to me to be romantically involved with someone who keeps that big of a part of their life separated from me. I'm not saying that I'd need to meet the SO as a condition of beginning in a relationship, but I would at least need to know that meeting them was a goal eventually. Otherwise I would never feel welcome in their home.

 

[Dagferi]

I am an extremely private person.

I do not bring people into my life who I do not wish to. Nothing personal I just do not want to have to have a forced conversation with people.

People like me are the easiest metamours to deal with. We are not going to stick our nose into your relationship. I am not going to get into a tit for tat contest. I am not going to pull the wife card when you least expect it. You could own property together, consider each other life partners, go on vacations and I could go on.

But my space is mine and I do not want people I want no relationship with in it.

I have successfully had two husbands for 5 years by keeping my relationships separate.

 

[Emm]

I have successfully had two husbands for 5 years by keeping my relationships separate.

In that time they have never once spoken to each other?

 

[MsEmotional]

I am an extremely private person.

I do not bring people into my life who I do not wish to. Nothing personal I just do not want to have to have a forced conversation with people.

People like me are the easiest metamours to deal with. We are not going to stick our nose into your relationship. I am not going to get into a tit for tat contest. I am not going to pull the wife card when you least expect it. You could own property together, consider each other life partners, go on vacations and I could go on.

But my space is mine and I do not want people I want no relationship with in it.

I have successfully had two husbands for 5 years by keeping my relationships separate.

That's fine. I suppose I shouldn't have said that it was a red flag in general, rather that it would just be a red flag for me. I don't think I would be happy in that kind of arrangement.

 

[Dagferi]

In that time they have never once spoken to each other?

I can count on one hand the number of times my husbands have spoken. They all involved my children's involvement. The first time they went with me to a holiday event with Murfs family and Butch needed my car since his was in the shop. My youngests kindergarten graduation. My middle sons 6th grade graduation. And a Christmas Eve 3 years ago.

 

[BathedInSalt]

I had some bad experiences with poly men with nesting partners early on. Once is a fluke, twice is a coincidence, third time is a trend. So I do not date men with nesting partners. I dislike drama so I prefer to date solo poly men or monogamous men.

May I ask what kind of drama you ran into?
I am that nesting partner and want to avoid drama. I'll take any advice.

 

[lunabunny]

Just a preference, I suppose. It's creepy to me to be romantically involved with someone who keeps that big of a part of their life separated from me. I'm not saying that I'd need to meet the SO as a condition of beginning in a relationship, but I would at least need to know that meeting them was a goal eventually. Otherwise I would never feel welcome in their home.

Projecting myself into a poly scenario in which my lovers had other lovers for a minute...

...If I were in that situation, I just would not be able to participate in a DADT relationship.

If nothing else, my insatiable curiosity would probably drive me to surreptitious means of finding out more information about my SO's other partner/love interests/fwb. And that would undoubtedly be a dealbreaker from their pov, in turn.

I simply have an intense need to know about people and situations that have the potential to impact my life, my relationships, and my health.

Not that I'd necessarily need, or want(!) to know the down-and-dirty details, but I would require the basics be communicated to me at least, such as the OSO's name and personal details, living situation (age, gender, other partners, children?) and intentions regarding future expectations, safe sex, and the like.

At some point, I would prefer to have some form of communication with the other party, be that casual/occasional conversations over phone or social media or real life meetings.

However IF either of my partners were intimately involved with another person, I don't think I'd want to be faced with the reality of that for an extended period of time in real life.

 

[opalescent]

How many folks here had a preconceived idea of a relationship model that you wanted before trying?

I didn't really. Like I wasn't set on dating a couple, or a woman or being in a V or anything. What I did have was a shit-ton of unconscious ideas about how relationships 'should' be that was programmed into me by my family, culture, media and friends.

How many people are in that style of relationship?

I have no idea. Many people in a relationship often do want to date someone together, at least at first, because that seems safer. It's not but I do get why it would appear to be easier.

Is there any people who are still with the original people they transitioned with?

Ha ha ha! Nope. Poly didn't end my marriage but it did accelerate the demise of that relationship. My first poly relationship broke up a month after my marriage. I've been in a few relationships since then.

How many people just kinda of stumbled into polyamory?

*Waves hand.* Yes, kinda. I knew about ethical non-monogamy from friends who were in various alternative communities (like intentional communities, tantra, self-growth, pagans, etc. But I never thought to try it before my wife got a dream job across the country and I could not join her right away. So we tried opening up to help cope with the long distance. But we didn't open up because either of us found someone or fell in love or anything like that.

Is this like learning to date all over again? Like don't expect the first one to stay around, and if you think they will you're silly, kind of thing?

Kinda? Like if you pitched out any expectations, rules or scripts of how to date and then figured out how to date others without any of that. It's not that poly relationships are all that different from monogamous ones. They're not. But the 'baggage' of social, cultural and personal expectations is not there, at least not in the same volume and level of examined assumptions.