Feel like I just threw away my life...

R

rocky1126

New member
Hello, everyone.

I guess to start, I am a 25-year-old cis female.

I began dating my monogamous boyfriend of 6 years when we were in college. We have a very, very intense relationship. We are absolute best friends. He is the...other half of myself.

But throughout our relationship, I have been plagued with falling for other people. I'm sure this is a tired subject to many of you, and I'm going to say things you've heard a thousand times. But I felt broken. I felt like he wasn't enough, and that something was wrong with me. That I was just a "cheater" or "bad at relationships." That I couldn't be somebody whole for him. And I would lie, and feel guilty, and go out, and feel guilty, and even though I wasn't acting sexually or breaking our monogamous rules, I felt like I had this secret I couldn't tell him, but just didn't know what it was.

When I learned about polyamory, it all seemed to click. And I thought, "Maybe I'm not a bad person, or bad at relationships, or broken, maybe I just need something else."

Well, after I learned this it took me a while to even bring it up to him. We had talked about polyamory in an academic sense, but it always ended as a thing for other people, and not for him. So I knew it would be a difficult discussion.

And it was. And we were both very honest and generous with our feelings, as we usually are. But he decided he could not be in a polyamorous relationship. He kept trying to think of ways he could try, but it came down to the fact that he would be soul-crushingly devastated anytime I had sex with someone else. And for me, these feelings are very sexual.

I explained the nature of my feelings. The he is always my priority, that my love for him does not dwindle with the feelings I have for other people, and he understands that on some level. But I needed to respect that I can't cause him pain by being who I am, and similarly, he could not bear to keep me in a relationship where I couldn't explore who I might be.

And all this being said, I still don't even know. I don't know who I am or what I want, and I just want my best friend to talk to, and I can't.

This all happened yesterday, so I'm sorry for my incoherence. I'm a mess, and I feel like I threw away the best thing in my life. The thing that most people--it's all they want. I had that. And now it's gone.

I don't know if anyone has had any similar experiences, but I feel so broken, and lost, and stupid, and alone.

But I will say, there is this small part of me--when it's not wailing in agony because my heart feels ripped--that feels relief. That I could tell him this and that I'm not lying, that I won't hurt him or make a misstep and cheat and crush him. That's the only thing keeping me going right now.
 
Welcome!

I believe you did love him! So, yeah, it's going to hurt for a bit. Take time to grow mentally, emotionally, spiritually stronger. And Excersise physically while at it!
He'll be better off trying to find someone that can give him what he wants and the same goes for you.
Welcome to the Forum.
 
I'm so sorry, rocky1126.

One of the most necessary life lessons is learning that love alone is not sufficient for a flourishing, healthy relationship. There has to be a basic compatibility. Ethical non-monogamy vs. monogamy is one of the major deal breakers, along with children/child free, and how money is handled

But it is a terrible lesson to learn. It just hurts.
 
I'm so sorry you had to make this choice.

But I am proud of you for being authentic and true to yourself and him.

I was the one who was poly at heart but lived mono with my ex husband for 30+ years. It was always the elephant in the room, and it wasn't healthy for either of us. He could always tell when I got a crush, no matter how hard I tried to tamp it down.

And he was always super jealous, even if my crush was on a celebrity. He had low self esteem and needed to be my one and only, sexually and emotionally, and I tried, god I tried. But I couldn't do it.

So after all those years, we broke up. And we are both much better off! He's got a mono gf, I've got a non jealous poly gf I love to pieces, and a changing cast of male lovers. And my partner has a bf of 4 years who she is very happy with. It feels so good. (Well, usually. Breakups do hurt. I won't lie.)
 
Rockit, it's obvious that you feel terrible about your decision, but I'm with the others. You did the right thing for BOTH of you.

Mono/Poly relationships can be very, very difficult. At least now maybe you will be able to salvage a friendship out of this (with time), instead of tearing each other apart.

Now you can be true to yourself.
 
Well, after I learned this it took me a while to even bring it up to him. We had talked about polyamory in an academic sense, but it always ended as a thing for other people, and not for him. So I knew it would be a difficult discussion.

And it was. And we were both very honest and generous with our feelings, as we usually are. But he decided he could not be in a polyamorous relationship. He kept trying to think of ways he could try, but it came down to the fact that he would be soul-crushingly devastated anytime I had sex with someone else. And for me, these feelings are very sexual.
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Hi Rocky - welcome to the Forum - you've come to the right place. :)

Last December, my wife asked me to open our relationship so she could explore her resurgent feelings for an old college boyfriend, stating she believed that she could love us both without taking away from our marriage or family. Ultimately, I agreed to do so. (Full story in signature link below - with a summary of what she did right toward the end of the comments section). Nine months later, poly would still not be my first choice, but I have come to the point where I am reasonably comfortable with it.

That decision - and getting to the point where I could be ok with the idea of her having sex with another man - is certainly among the most difficult things I have ever done. Even five years ago - I probably would have absolutely refused. For most traditional mono men, it seems (at least ime) that accepting the idea of their wife/gf having sex with another man is completely unacceptable - and for the woman to even request to do so just seems utterly outrageous. For those of us who were raised - and thoroughly conditioned - in conservative, evangelical environments, it is a difficult proposition to come to terms with - even if we have left those early beliefs far behind, and are perfectly fine with the concept of poly - for others - but, no thanks, not for me. Your boyfriend is certainly not alone in the place in which he finds himself.

But you are certainly not bad or wrong for bringing it to the table - I commend you as I commended my own wife for having the integrity to be honest and transparent and not resorting to the dishonesty of cheating. Al
 
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I disagree with most of the foregoing.

rocky1126, you are not yet polyamorous. It's nice that you have the interest, but you have not yet put yourself into a situation where you have to maintain intimate connections with two (or more) people. There is no guarantee that you will find happiness at it, particularly at the first four or seven or twelve attempts, especially considering your lack of experience in intimate relationships

And you have not yet faced a situation much like your boyfriend's, where you are faced with learning how you feel that someone to whom you are emotionally attached is fucking someone else. Until that occasion, you likely cannot understand what your boyfriend's feelings presently are.

It's good that you have attempted to (finally) be honest with yourself, & then honest with your boyfriend. But, colloquially, your announcement is called poly-bombing a.k.a. "dropping the 'I'm poly now!' bomb."

Certainly, you KNEW it might not go over well... right?

Unless you've already got someone in mind that you want to go chasing after, or are otherwise ready to leap into the "looking for" pool... what's the hurry? If it's not going to happen tomorrow, or next month, or maybe a year or more, I'd advise you to BOTH settle down, sort through the rubble, & face things as they actually happen rather than as the two of you think of them.
 
Greetings rocky1126,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I couldn't tell whether you and your boyfriend actually broke up, or maybe you are just at an impasse where you don't know if you can stay together. Regardless, I think it took courage to tell him where you stood, and that poly seems to be for you. If you haven't broken up, maybe you can stay monogamous for awhile and see if your boyfriend gets feeling better about polyamory. You could give it a fixed amount of time, a year perhaps. On the other hand, if you have broken up, it might be best to keep it that way. You have to believe in your ability to decide, to weigh the relevant factors and trust your instincts. This is a difficult situation to call, it really seems like he is not cut out for poly.

Hopefully this thread has been helpful so far.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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Welcome aboard!
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

Relationships started in your teens don't always transform to adult relationships post 25. Somewhere around 25 is when your brain finishes the main chunk of it's growth. So who you were at 18-19 is not necessarily the you at 25-26. Be ok with that.

It sounds like both of you were up front and honest in the conversations. Which is GOOD.

I explained the nature of my feelings. The he is always my priority,
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Why is he your #1 priority? Rather than YOU being your #1 priority? Not like in a selfish memememe way. But in a "I need to live authentically and not lie about who I am" kind of way? Like "I need to put my own oxygen mask on first before I can help other people with theirs" way? If everyone did that, then everyone would be seen to.

He knows he needs to be in monogamous relationship shapes. That's what he grooves on.

You know you need a poly shape. You now know what to call it. So you don't feel so weird. That's what you groove on.

These things are not compatible. And that is a dating reality. Not everyone you date will be a long haul runner.

But I needed to respect that I can't cause him pain by being who I am, and similarly, he could not bear to keep me in a relationship where I couldn't explore who I might be.
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The solution may be to stop dating romantically and let that end respectfully. Allow the relationship shape to change. And continue as good exes and friends -- a shape that fits you guys better. Then you are free TO poly and he is free FROM poly. And you can still continue caring about each other and being involved in each other's lives.

This all happened yesterday, so I'm sorry for my incoherence. I'm a mess, and I feel like I threw away the best thing in my life. The thing that most people--it's all they want. I had that. And now it's gone.
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You are sad. No break up is fun like "Whee! Let's make cookies!" There will be loss feelings to process. That is ok.

But you are maybe exaggerating a bit too because right now you see everything through "grief and loss glasses."

If you guys are best friends? That doesn't have to be thrown out just because you stopped dating. You can still be close friends. Take heart here. You might need a time out to heal first, and then a transitional time to figure out how to be good exes and friends... but if you both want that then you can do that.

But I will say, there is this small part of me--when it's not wailing in agony because my heart feels ripped--that feels relief. That I could tell him this and that I'm not lying, that I won't hurt him or make a misstep and cheat and crush him. That's the only thing keeping me going right now.
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Well, being authentic you, and respectful and honest with others? That helps you not feel so weird. Like you were shrinking yourself.

And it's also how you are a good friend to someone. You don't lie or hurt them or ding them on purpose. Friends can share the up and downs of life. Be ok with that. Do you want to a friend you can be the real YOU with or not?

Galgagirl
 
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Hello everyone.

Thank you so much for your responses. For your generosity and openness and words of kindness and encouragement.

They helped immeasurably.

It has been an extremely difficult week, so for those of you who lent kindness, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

This will be a major process of self-discovery, and one that I'm sure I will do with the help of you all through other threads on the forum. I know that it's a process I have to go through for myself, and not for anyone else. And it's hard when a partner realizes that they cannot take part in that process because it is too painful.

It's impossible to know what will be in the future, but there is a part of me, buried under this grief, that knows that this is the right choice. I need to explore myself, which is hard to do when so much of you is already in someone else. Not that that is a bad thing! For some people, that is an important part of a relationship. And it was in mine. It was love, fully and completely. But two people can love each other deeply, but that does not mean they are destined to be together as a couple. My biggest hope is that we can continue our love, but in a different way. We are set on not losing each other, but we have to distance ourselves for now for our own sakes.

We are all different, and I think (I hope, I really really hope) that this is the path I need for my own best self. Who knows. But I feel like I am being truthful to myself, or at least I am trying to be, and that is what is important.

Thank you all, truly truly truly.
 
rocky1126 said:
... I know that it's a process I have to go through for myself, and not for anyone else. And it's hard when a partner realizes that they cannot take part in that process because it is too painful.

It's impossible to know what will be in the future, but there is a part of me, buried under this grief, that knows that this is the right choice. I need to explore myself, which is hard to do when so much of you is already in someone else. Not that that is a bad thing! For some people, that is an important part of a relationship. And it was in mine. It was love, fully and completely. But two people can love each other deeply, but that does not mean they are destined to be together as a couple. My biggest hope is that we can continue our love, but in a different way. We are set on not losing each other, but we have to distance ourselves for now for our own sakes.

We are all different, and I think (I hope, I really really hope) that this is the path I need for my own best self. Who knows. But I feel like I am being truthful to myself, or at least I am trying to be, and that is what is important.
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This. Knowing that what you are doing is the best path. For you. Now. That is the best you can ever strive for.
 
two people can love each other deeply, but that does not mean they are destined to be together as a couple. My biggest hope is that we can continue our love, but in a different way. We are set on not losing each other, but we have to distance ourselves for now for our own sakes.
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Good for you. While I'm sorry to hear about breaking up, I think you both are handling it in a sensible way. I hope after the healing time you both can be friends.

I feel like I am being truthful to myself, or at least I am trying to be, and that is what is important.
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I hope that as you work at being/living more truthful to yourself, you grow more confident in that.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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