Monogamous in a new poly relationship help

[ladyjane]

Hi there,

Not sure where to go for help, and this was the first forum that popped up so I hope somebody can please read and pass on some advice.

I know nothing about polyamarous relationships, it's all very different to me. Recently i started dating someone who was poly, it happened by accident really. Had I known in hindsight that our hang outs would've led to dates and so on, I wouldn't have entered such an unfamiliar relationship. I was okay with it at first, thinking that this would just be a 'casual' relationship with no feelings. Yet lately I find that I've been thinking about him lots, and it makes me uncomfortable when i do imagine him with his girlfriend. I feel do disconnected from my feelings when I'm with him and I'm wondering if I'm doing it to protect myself. Last time we hung out I remember feeling at a high, then I came home, alone and cried. Almost like a part of me felt "how dare you sleep with me, say those things to me then leave and not contact me for ages." As petty as that sounds.

On top of that besides when we hang out every week or fortnight, he rarely ever speaks to me/messages me. So that has to make me think that there are no feelings and it is casual, right? Or maybe he's just busy.

On top of that, he's been wanting me to spend time with the other girl who he lives with and get to know her more, so we can all hang out together. THis makes me extremely uncomfortable but I'm too afraid to tell him. Is this typically normal in poly relationships?

Ideally my boundaries would be to not have anything to do with the other women he dates, but he's very insistent that I get along with them, and apparently she wants to get to know me too. No idea why.

In short, I'm wondering if all of this is normal in poly type relationships. If a relationship guru here could shed light onto perhaps why I may be feeling so conflicted and disheartened after our dates, and perhaps if this is the right relationship for me? If this is even a relationship, I don't even know what this is! To make things even more complicated the guy is like twice my age. Sometimes I can't help but feel like I'm this other attractive younger girl he can see but that he doesn't really really care that much about me?

He told me once that he's past falling in love with women but can love multiple women. If anyone can clear that up for me too that would be great because I don't completely get it.

I'm sorry for the long post, I'm going through a bit of a crisis with this. Any help would be appreciated.

 

[Ravenscroft]

Welcome to the forums. I apologize for not feeling particularly "guru" at the moment, but there are others who'll likely be along shortly (like the redoubtable GalaGirl) to maybe help you unsnarl this. A few things get my attention.

he's been wanting me to spend time with the other girl ... Is this typically normal in poly relationships?

To me, that sounds a bit like harem-building, or setting up the too-typical "three way" sexual fantasy. Yes, it's pretty common with people who call themselves "poly" but hardly central to polyamory. Perhaps I'm reading too much into it, but it does sound like he's "carrot-dangling" you: withholding attention in order to make you more dependent.

You aren't comfortable with it, clearly, so tell him so; if he presses, then he's talking down to you, communication is poor, & it's therefore NOT polyamory.

You might also expect him to clarify his doublethink --

he's past falling in love with women but can love multiple women.

That makes no sense at all to me.

 

[Emm]

To me, that sounds a bit like harem-building, or setting up the too-typical "three way" sexual fantasy.

That depends upon what sort of "spending time" he's talking about. I read it as more of a "introduce and be comfortable talking to" thing, but that may be because that's what I'm used to in my own relationships. It does simplify things greatly.

 

[Chloe1970m]

maybe he is the problem and not poly?

I'm new to this too but I have noticed there is a difference between being jealous because he's having sex with someone else, or being upset that he doesn't have the same feelings as you, or being jealous that his time is being spent mostly elsewhere. I think if you are jealous of the sex itself that would make poly more difficult than if your main concern is time or emotions - because I would think in the latter case it's just a matter of doing poly with the right person/people.

Also, I'm sort of in the same situation, being in love with someone who only wants something casual. The thing is, I'm still having fun because we see each other once a week and he texts me during the week. If he kept disappearing on me or was cold/transactional about the sex, I would not continue because I couldn't be happy under those conditions. It sounds like the relationship is too painful for you and maybe you need to cut him loose. No sense in being with someone who makes you miserable.

Hi there,

Not sure where to go for help, and this was the first forum that popped up so I hope somebody can please read and pass on some advice.

I know nothing about polyamarous relationships, it's all very different to me. Recently i started dating someone who was poly, it happened by accident really. Had I known in hindsight that our hang outs would've led to dates and so on, I wouldn't have entered such an unfamiliar relationship. I was okay with it at first, thinking that this would just be a 'casual' relationship with no feelings. Yet lately I find that I've been thinking about him lots, and it makes me uncomfortable when i do imagine him with his girlfriend. I feel do disconnected from my feelings when I'm with him and I'm wondering if I'm doing it to protect myself. Last time we hung out I remember feeling at a high, then I came home, alone and cried. Almost like a part of me felt "how dare you sleep with me, say those things to me then leave and not contact me for ages." As petty as that sounds.

On top of that besides when we hang out every week or fortnight, he rarely ever speaks to me/messages me. So that has to make me think that there are no feelings and it is casual, right? Or maybe he's just busy.

On top of that, he's been wanting me to spend time with the other girl who he lives with and get to know her more, so we can all hang out together. THis makes me extremely uncomfortable but I'm too afraid to tell him. Is this typically normal in poly relationships?

Ideally my boundaries would be to not have anything to do with the other women he dates, but he's very insistent that I get along with them, and apparently she wants to get to know me too. No idea why.

In short, I'm wondering if all of this is normal in poly type relationships. If a relationship guru here could shed light onto perhaps why I may be feeling so conflicted and disheartened after our dates, and perhaps if this is the right relationship for me? If this is even a relationship, I don't even know what this is! To make things even more complicated the guy is like twice my age. Sometimes I can't help but feel like I'm this other attractive younger girl he can see but that he doesn't really really care that much about me?

He told me once that he's past falling in love with women but can love multiple women. If anyone can clear that up for me too that would be great because I don't completely get it.

I'm sorry for the long post, I'm going through a bit of a crisis with this. Any help would be appreciated.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

Recently i started dating someone who was poly, it happened by accident really. Had I known in hindsight that our hang outs would've led to dates and so on, I wouldn't have entered such an unfamiliar relationship.

Hon, if you would have quit this had you known ahead of time?

You know it NOW. You could quit it now that you know it. It's not like you are "locked in" to keep going with it.

Almost like a part of me felt "how dare you sleep with me, say those things to me then leave and not contact me for ages." As petty as that sounds.

You sound upset that you share sex with him and then there's no contact after. Like maybe you feel used or maybe aren't being treated the way you want to be treated in a dating relationship -- casual or otherwise.

If it is important to you to be treated a certain way and you aren't being treated that way? That's not you being petty. That's being upset that something that is important to you is not happening.

It also sounds like he is insisting you do stuff that you don't really want to be doing.

You do not sound happy participating in this.

• You are uncomfortable here
• You disconnect from your feelings when with him
• You do this "going numb" thing to protect yourself
• You feel conflicted and disheartened after dates
• You are afraid to tell him when you are super uncomfortable

In short, it feels really yucky. Why keep on doing yucky feeling things?

Your consent to participate in things belongs to YOU. You could stop dating this guy because it's not especially joyful for you and it is too confusing and too uncomfortable.

If you feel like you to need to protect yourself from this because it is yucky and hurting your head/heart? That is ok. Do so.

Bow out and stop participating in this. Tell him you don't want to see him any more.

It doesn't really matter how other people practice poly and what is "normal" or not.

What matters is YOU and how you feel. If you are in something yucky that doesn't NOT feel good to you? You do not have to keep doing it.

Galagirl

 

[doglover0217]

Hi there,

On top of that, he's been wanting me to spend time with the other girl who he lives with and get to know her more, so we can all hang out together. THis makes me extremely uncomfortable but I'm too afraid to tell him. Is this typically normal in poly relationships?

Ideally my boundaries would be to not have anything to do with the other women he dates, but he's very insistent that I get along with them, and apparently she wants to get to know me too. No idea why.

I can only speak here for personal experience, but this is a similar story as to how I found myself in a polyamorous relationship/triad.

Firstly, I would suggest doing research on polyamory (like reading More Than Two). There are great resources on the different norms throughout the community, and the book does a fairly good job of raising red flags. I wish I had read it sooner so I could have known that setting certain boundaries was ok -- like being able to say no to meeting, hanging out, or forming intimate relationships with other partners if I don't want anything to do with them.

Take care of yourself first. Set your boundaries. Don't do things you don't want to do.

 

[vinsanity0]

It could be a couple looking for a third. But, I've run into so many people who think all their people should be besties that it is hard to say. It doesn't really matter though because it makes you uncomfortable (me too). Since it makes you uncomfortable just tell them you aren't interested in that. For me, it would be pure torture to be forced into something like that.

Is it normal? Well, it's not abnormal. It's more of a style some people are into.

 

[ladyjane]

Hi all,

Thank you so much for your responses! I think what ive taken from this is that I need to listen to my emotions right now because clearly they mean something, and that il need to have that difficult conversation with him if this is ever going to continue. And in that process communicate my boundaries too. Which is going to be difficult.

Also, this is the person I lost my virginity too. I'm not sure if that means anything or plays into this. Potentially I may have 0 feelings towards this person whatsoever, but the first time sex and now ongoing sex just complicated everything?

 

[GalaGirl]

Also, this is the person I lost my virginity too. I'm not sure if that means anything or plays into this. Potentially I may have 0 feelings towards this person whatsoever, but the first time sex and now ongoing sex just complicated everything?

It is possible that the newness of becoming sexually active is making this harder to process.

I always hope for people's first time sharing sex to be a wanted thing, a shared thing, a consenting thing. I think as a parent, I want to think the kids will be ok enough and safe enough with their first times.

At the same time? SOMEONE has to be first person. Just because they were the first? It's not like you are "locked in" with that first person for the rest of your life and owe them some sort of undying loyalty or whatever.

It might turn out that the sex was ok but you actually are not compatible as long haul dating partners. And that is ok. Not everyone you date is going to be a long haul runner. That is what dating is FOR. To find the compatible ones.

It takes more than just sex to make a good relationship. It takes more than love too. It takes a lot of things in addition to those -- respect, common values, common interests, common vision for the future...

It is ok to walk away from relationships that aren't especially compatible or joyful. You can say "Thank you. I enjoyed meeting you and sharing some time with you. I don't find us especially compatible for more though, so we must part ways."

It is definitely ok to walk away if you think he's being kinda pushy and insisting on things you don't want to be doing. There are some things you shouldn't have to ask for or have to "explain" in a relationship -- like basic respect.


Galagirl

 

[dragonette]

Ladyjane,

It's not clear to me from your posts whether your guy is actually insisting that you meet his other partner, or whether he's just encouraging it. It also doesn't sound like you've had a lot of discussion with him to clarify what you both want out of this relationship. If you really like him, that might be worth doing.

Poly relationships take all sorts of forms, and people have all sorts of communication styles. His not communicating between dates suggests casual, but his wanting you to meet his other partner suggests (to me) that he may really like you and want to spend more time with you without having to take time away from his other partner. The only way to know is to ask.

Then if he says he really likes you, you can say "I really like you too, but there are some things that aren't working for me here. I need more communication between dates, and I'm not comfortable meeting your partner." And see if he is willing to try to meet your needs and respect your boundaries. If not, or if he tells you he just wants something casual, then you know this relationship is not a good fit for you.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

Ladyjane,

It seems to me that you are at the point of asking yourself all of the right questions. Because the answers are different for each person.

Not sure where to go for help, and this was the first forum that popped up so I hope somebody can please read and pass on some advice.

Welcome to the forum! Hopefully our replies can provide you with some insight and help you clarify how you would like to handle your circumstances. Keep in mind that each person has their own perspective, proclivities, and preferences. Not every bit of advice will resonate with you, so take away what is most helpful and leave the rest (this applies to reading other resources and threads as well!)

I know nothing about polyamarous relationships, it's all very different to me. Recently i started dating someone who was poly, it happened by accident really. Had I known in hindsight that our hang outs would've led to dates and so on, I wouldn't have entered such an unfamiliar relationship.

Sometimes "accidents" take us places we don't want to go...and sometimes they take us to places that we didn't know we wanted to go because we didn't know they existed! (i.e. a wrong turn can take you to a bad part of town...or a delightful neighborhood you never heard of that has the BEST little coffeehouse ) Regardless of how you got here, you did, and YOU get to decide where you go from here.

I was okay with it at first, thinking that this would just be a 'casual' relationship with no feelings. Yet lately I find that I've been thinking about him lots...

Do you have much experience with "casual" relationships?

In my younger days I was GREAT at "casual" - I was actively AVOIDING relationships that required any commitment or obligation on my part. During that time, my experience was that a lot of people would say that they were up for casual, but then would expect a lot more communication and interaction than I had energy for.

I think that most people develop "feelings" for people that they have sex with or interact with regularly (which is why I had "rules" back then - I wouldn't sleep with virgins, I wouldn't sleep with the same person more than 3 times, I wouldn't sleep with "romantics").

..., and it makes me uncomfortable when i do imagine him with his girlfriend. I feel do disconnected from my feelings when I'm with him and I'm wondering if I'm doing it to protect myself. Last time we hung out I remember feeling at a high, then I came home, alone and cried.

I think this is where you take a hard look at why you feel uncomfortable and disconnected. Is it because you unconsciously are expecting a ride on the "relationship escalator"? {The default set of societal expectations for intimate relationships. Partners follow a progressive set of steps, each with visible markers, toward a clear goal.} and your brain is having a hard time seeing how that works when there is another partner in the mix? [you can Google "relationship escalator" but I am hoping someone comes along with the link that I can't find]

...Almost like a part of me felt "how dare you sleep with me, say those things to me then leave and not contact me for ages." As petty as that sounds.

On top of that besides when we hang out every week or fortnight, he rarely ever speaks to me/messages me. So that has to make me think that there are no feelings and it is casual, right? Or maybe he's just busy.

NOT petty. You feel what you feel and that is valid.

From MY perspective - seeing someone 2-4 times a month is a fair amount of effort. I hate texting and talking on the phone so I wouldn't feel the need to communicate much between face-to-face meetings - we can catch up when we are together. Aside from my partners (who I live with) and my best friend (who I work with) there is NO one that I see/talk with more often than that. Others work differently and prefer daily contact, which I would find taxing.

On top of that, he's been wanting me to spend time with the other girl who he lives with and get to know her more, so we can all hang out together. THis makes me extremely uncomfortable but I'm too afraid to tell him. Is this typically normal in poly relationships?

Another personal preference issue. Some of us prefer what some people refer to as "kitchen-table" poly (or the "PolyBorg Collective") where everyone knows everyone and gets along as a social group. Others prefer to keep relationships separate and compartmentalized. Some of us are comfortable with mixing and matching styles depending on the preferences of each partner.

Ideally my boundaries would be to not have anything to do with the other women he dates, but he's very insistent that I get along with them, and apparently she wants to get to know me too. No idea why.

See above, just a matter of preferences. Again from my personal perspective, I am curious about people in my partner's life - friends, family, other partners. If my partner likes them, maybe they are super cool folks! Sometimes I meet them and like them - in which case I may develop a friendship (or more), sometimes I meet them and don't see the fascination
- in which case we are now "social acquaintances" who are formally polite, and sometimes I don't meet them at all.

In short, I'm wondering if all of this is normal in poly type relationships. If a relationship guru here could shed light onto perhaps why I may be feeling so conflicted and disheartened after our dates, and perhaps if this is the right relationship for me? If this is even a relationship, I don't even know what this is! To make things even more complicated the guy is like twice my age. Sometimes I can't help but feel like I'm this other attractive younger girl he can see but that he doesn't really really care that much about me?

There is no "normal" in poly relationships, each person/relationship/cluster has to find their own path. It is very much a DIY/"choose-your-own-adventure" story.

Again from my perspective, any two people that interact have a "relationship", you seem confused as to what "type" of relationship you have - fuckbuddies? Friend with benefits? Boyfriend/Girlfriend? "Twue Wuv"? Some of us are fine with NOT defining our relationships this way and just letting them be whatever they are without expectations. Some of us need to know what a relationship IS so that we know what to expect / what is expected of us (where we can expect to get to on the "relationship escalator" - so we know how much we can "invest" in the relationship)

He told me once that he's past falling in love with women but can love multiple women. If anyone can clear that up for me too that would be great because I don't completely get it.

Only HE really knows what HE means by this. Love is a tricky word for a lot of people and for me personally. We see lots of posts along the lines of "He said that he 'loves' me, but is not 'in love' with me...what does that mean?" Perhaps the conversation in my old thread would provide some insight?

For me, "in love" implies the infatuation and hormonal surges associated with NRE (New Relationship Energy) - some people enjoy this stage of intimate relationships. (I don't.)

I'm sorry for the long post, I'm going through a bit of a crisis with this. Any help would be appreciated.

No need to apologize! There is a 10,000 character limit on individual posts - some posters require 2 or 3 posts to tell their story. You wrote very clearly and with paragraph breaks (and used the word "fortnight" which made me wiggle)

I hope you find the help/clarity you need.

I think what ive taken from this is that I need to listen to my emotions right now because clearly they mean something, and that il need to have that difficult conversation with him if this is ever going to continue. And in that process communicate my boundaries too. Which is going to be difficult.

Yes.

Also, this is the person I lost my virginity too. I'm not sure if that means anything or plays into this. Potentially I may have 0 feelings towards this person whatsoever, but the first time sex and now ongoing sex just complicated everything?

Just my personal opinion, but I think this does complicate things. A LOT (most?) people assign a LOT of weight to the concept of "virginity". Hence my "no virgins" rule. Even I, who eschews romanticism of sex, recalls my "first" with a certain fondness (I, at 16, chose him specifically for that job based on his experience and our friendship).

*************************

Whether or not you decide to continue a relationship with your polyamorous partner, I feel that you are exploring the right questions at the right time.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

From MY perspective - seeing someone 2-4 times a month is a fair amount of effort. I hate texting and talking on the phone so I wouldn't feel the need to communicate much between face-to-face meetings - we can catch up when we are together. Aside from my partners (who I live with) and my best friend (who I work with) there is NO one that I see/talk with more often than that. Others work differently and prefer daily contact, which I would find taxing.

Light bulb moment! This is the exact problem I ran into with my last girlfriend. We had different definitions of "casual." We were both married and had our lives arranged around that, so we agreed we were never going down "that" road. But I think that's where her definition of casual ended. She saw us still having a relationship for the rest of our lives, whereas I assumed it would end when I eventually moved away. And neither of us defined it as "just sex" since we had a basically asexual relationship. So all the more reason to be specific about relationship terms, rather than relying on labels to convey intent.

For most of our relationship, we saw each other often enough to stay on top of major life news. I think we spoke on the phone 4 times in 5 year, and each time was to more quickly arrange the last-minute details of plans. We'd text random crap like amusing anecdotes or frustrating people we were dealing with. We didn't text about real life stuff, like job plans or family challenges -- we always discussed those things in person, usually cuddled up on the couch or out on a date.

So towards the end of our relationship, when we were both super busy and not seeing each other for weeks at a time, she started finding out about major life decisions I was making by reading my posts on Facebook. She took that personally, like I was excluding her from my life; whereas I just hadn't seen her in person yet and it hadn't occurred to me to notify her by text.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi ladyjane,

Just about everything you described in your first post is pretty normal in polyamory. Don't be afraid to ask your guy for what you need. For example I think you need him to contact you in between dates/visits. There's nothing wrong with asking for that. Also you are uncomfortable with the idea of meeting the other girl he lives with. That's perfectly alright, you shouldn't have to meet her if you don't want to. Though I should say, there can be advantages to meeting and getting to know a metamour. Can be, not will be. It's up to you whether you want to take that chance.

He told you that he's past falling in love, but can love multiple women. I think he is trying to distinguish between "love" and "in love." On the other hand, I am leery about him saying that. What if it really means that he's putting his own spin on just not caring for others? I am not telling you to break up with him, but I think I'm telling you to be careful. Hopefully you'll also continue to post here, and we can give you updated advice and information.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[ladyjane]

Hi all,

thank you so much for all the awesome responses! People here are so lovely.
Especially @JaneQSmythe, i need to look into this relationship escalator thing.

Well I've concluded that I suck at communicating. He invited me over to his house for dinner. Said his girlfriend would be there. Asked if I was cool with that. In my head I planned on saying no and denying the invitation. Instead my insides got excited at seeing him again and I said. It was hella uncomfortable for me but I played it down. His girlfriend was totally happy that I came.

I cried today thinking about this. I think that consequently due to having sex with him so much, I have developed a fondness for him. And it makes me sad knowing that he's with someone else. It makes me upset knowing that i messaged him and he hasn't gotten back to me. It makes me upset knowing that he was consuming my mind today yet probably didn't give much thought about me.

Thing is I think i'd be cool with all of this if i didn't have to ever see the other women in his life or know about it. Ugh. And him being so much older (more than twice my age) makes me feel like maybe I'm being so childish about all of this, and i think those worries play into me not communicating how I really feel.

In short, i think the longer I stay in this relationship, the more attached i'll get, the harder it'll be to leave. there's no future here. On the other hand, the thought of leavin makes me want to cry. I don't think I can do it. the same way I can't seem to communicate how I feel. It's so strange how sleeping with someone can emotionally make you like this. Someone who I would have otherwise never been attracted too.

Alternatively, I'm wondering if I should stay in this relationship or whatever the hell it is until I can find someone else, someone who wants what I want in a relationship, ideally a monogamous one. And whilst i think through this I'm still thinking about him and what else we can do when we next meet up. God I suck.

Could anyone share their thoughts please? Should I communicate how I feel? I'm worried that if I do so it'll end with me crying and him feeling terrible and ending this relationship. Should I ride it out because I do have a good time with him, and quicken my love search for someone else? Or end it all together (even though i wouldn't know how to do that).

 

[lafeelicite]

Hi LadyJane,

I appologize for my english, it is not my mother tongue. Still I will try to reply to you

Well I've concluded that I suck at communicating.

Or that you have room for improvement

He invited me over to his house for dinner. Said his girlfriend would be there. Asked if I was cool with that. In my head I planned on saying no and denying the invitation. Instead my insides got excited at seeing him again and I said. It was hella uncomfortable for me but I played it down. His girlfriend was totally happy that I came.

Let me rephrase if you don't mind. He invites you over with his GF, ask if you are cool with it. A part of you wants is screaming "Nooooo, I am not fine, it is not what I want" and another part is like "I want to see him so badly, let's do it". And so you go, without voicing the part of you that didn't feel confortable with it.
May I ask how did you feel when you where with them?

I cried today thinking about this. I think that consequently due to having sex with him so much, I have developed a fondness for him. And it makes me sad knowing that he's with someone else. It makes me upset knowing that i messaged him and he hasn't gotten back to me. It makes me upset knowing that he was consuming my mind today yet probably didn't give much thought about me.

You are sad and angry. There are things that are "real" here: you text him and get no reply and things that your mind is building (you can't prove it): "he didn't give much thought about me".

Thing is I think i'd be cool with all of this if i didn't have to ever see the other women in his life or know about it. Ugh. And him being so much older (more than twice my age) makes me feel like maybe I'm being so childish about all of this, and i think those worries play into me not communicating how I really feel.

His age is not a reason to invalidate the way you feel and to stop you from communicating with him. You are experiencing a lot of new things: being sexually active, with someone who is twice your age, already in a relationship... That's a lot! You have the right to feel all of what you are feeling.

In short, i think the longer I stay in this relationship, the more attached i'll get, the harder it'll be to leave. there's no future here. On the other hand, the thought of leavin makes me want to cry. I don't think I can do it. the same way I can't seem to communicate how I feel. It's so strange how sleeping with someone can emotionally make you like this. Someone who I would have otherwise never been attracted too.

I see a lot of attachement here, maybe a flirt with dependance. It is ok that it hurt to imaging stoping the relationship. Yes, you would probably be sad. But you would be in accordance with what you really want: be with someone in a monogamous relationship.

Alternatively, I'm wondering if I should stay in this relationship or whatever the hell it is until I can find someone else, someone who wants what I want in a relationship, ideally a monogamous one. And whilst i think through this I'm still thinking about him and what else we can do when we next meet up. God I suck.

Oh, I feel so sorry when I see you using words like "I suck". You are only human and doing your best, ok? Try not to lowd you more than you already are. Are you afraid of being single?

Could anyone share their thoughts please? Should I communicate how I feel? I'm worried that if I do so it'll end with me crying and him feeling terrible and ending this relationship. Should I ride it out because I do have a good time with him, and quicken my love search for someone else? Or end it all together (even though i wouldn't know how to do that).

You seem to fear that if you share your thoughts and worries, that you show yourself vulnerable and cry, he will feel terrible and end the relationship. I had the same pattern, that i would "protect" the other one by not communicating because I didn't want them to feel bad (and most probably leave me then).
If he feels terrible when you cry: it belongs to him. You don't have to protect him, you have to stand for you.
You have here a great occasion to start practising: saying no to things you don't want/ like, communicate how you feel, ask for clarification. All of that is ok and good for you. That's how you take care of yourself.

 

[GalaGirl]

Could anyone share their thoughts please?

Ok.

Should I communicate how I feel?

I think you could just end it. You don't have to explain.

Just say "I need to stop dating you. This is not working out for me on my end. "

Then block his number and let it go.

It was hella uncomfortable for me but I played it down.

Why do you ignore your feelings?

I cried today thinking about this.

Then stop going on more dates with him. They end with you all upset again. The short moments of "whee!" are not worth it.

In short, i think the longer I stay in this relationship, the more attached i'll get, the harder it'll be to leave. there's no future here.

Then stop participating in dates. And end this relationship with this guy.

On the other hand, the thought of leavin makes me want to cry

You are crying anyway. So that is neither here not there.

• It's basically cry, keep ignoring your feelings, keep going out with a guy you aren't especially into and get more attached. So it is endless stink for you.

• Or part ways and get out of the stink, cry some, heal from the break up, and it is over and you don't have to cry any more. You can move on to dating to seek someone who is more of what you ACTUALLY want. <-- I'd pick this one.

Either way there's gonna be some crying and some stink. So pick the one that stinks LEAST.

It's so strange how sleeping with someone can emotionally make you like this. Someone who I would have otherwise never been attracted too.

All the more reason to stop sharing sex and stop dating this guy. You aren't all that attracted to him anyway. And the sex share is clouding your judgement.

Alternatively, I'm wondering if I should stay in this relationship or whatever the hell it is until I can find someone else, someone who wants what I want in a relationship, ideally a monogamous one.

If this is what you really want? A serious monogamous relationship? Then GO FOR IT and stop doing things that don't align with your goal.

Continuing to date a poly dude that you aren't really all that into? Doesn't get you what you really want.

And whilst i think through this I'm still thinking about him and what else we can do when we next meet up. God I suck.

I wish you could stop talking down about yourself and focus on taking better care of you.

Stop doing things that make you feel bad.

If the poly guy is not compatible because he wants poly and you want mono? Call it lesson learned. Part ways. Don't keep it going to use him for sex or to "fill in time" until you find the mono partner you seek. Just end it respectfully.

Galagirl

 

[Emm]

If you want a monogamous relationship that's ok. You don't have to date a poly guy if you don't want to be in a poly relationship, but chances are that he's not going to suddenly "see the light" as a reward for you persisting in something that makes you unhappy. The best way to stop being in a poly relationship is to stop dating the poly guy.

Alternatively, I'm wondering if I should stay in this relationship or whatever the hell it is until I can find someone else, someone who wants what I want in a relationship, ideally a monogamous one.

Please don't stay "until something better comes along". Poly doesn't mean his feelings are superficial while yours are real. It's not going to hurt him any less when you dump him for someone new than it would if you were both only seeing each other. If you're planning to separate do it quickly and cleanly.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi ladyjane.

The only way I would say, stay in this relationship, is if you were able to start expressing your preferences (and reservations) to him. If you can't express yourself, you are in an unhealthy situation and need to get yourself out of there.

By all rights, there is no good reason for him to leave you just because you're expressing yourself. On the contrary, he should be making efforts to honor your preferences (and reservations) and help you feel more comfortable. So if he breaks up with you, honestly it is probably for the best.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. It's obviously very painful, and like GalaGirl said, there are no painless ways out. That, too, makes me sad.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.