Too much experience

[Kara]

Dear Universe! Help needed. Urgently.

Talking about the infamous topic of "ways to deal with NRE" to someone who's practicing polyamory since forever seems weird, but here i am, looking for help desperately, on the verge of driving myself right into insanity.

Yes, it's too much negative past experience. But one day I found myself (F) in an amazing open V-relationship (MFM) and spent the last for 4.5 years being absolutely and incredibly happy.

Frankly, I've been preparing myself for the "day X" to come for all these years and here we are today - one totally devastated "black sheep" in an otherwise happy extended family of (now) 4.

And yes, it's a unicorn who's been added recently. I'm totally aware of how it's all going to end. And i'm also aware of me acting bitchy, ruining the love of my life, and on the top of it all feeling ashamed of being unfair and ruining for my loved one his happiest moments. I know the issue is mine and only mine to deal with. And i know what compersion is. And i have absolutely no one to talk to.

(Sorry, it's my very first post on this forum and English isn't my first language. Please, be kind to me, i'm too fragile as it is)

 

[JuneauHiker]

I'm really sorry that you're hurting this much, Kara. Definitely, reaching out to likeminded folk can help - I've experienced this recently, also.

I'm not entirely sure what's going on. Is this unicorn driving a wedge between your family members? Are they taking too much of one or more partners' time? I feel like we need a little more information before we can advise.

Besides that, it isn't your own issue to deal with, in my opinion. It's important to share your feelings and to air your grievances, in as respectful a manner as you can manage. It sounds like you're holding a lot of pain and anguish inside and not relying on your partners for help in this. I know how that goes, but I promise it will be better if you let the people you love know what you're going through. It's not easy to do, but letting it fester is so much worse.

 

[vinsanity0]

First off, take a breath. Feeling jealousy is not a failure. Don't beat yourself up over some feelings you are having.

In order to deal with jealousy you need to examine why you are feeling it.

Then you will need to address your concerns with the partners involved. It's best to do that in a non-accusatory manner.

Also, remember NRE doesn't last forever. Things will settle soon enough.

 

[Kara]

Thank you so much for your kind words!

All my partners are being impeccable, i have nothing at all to complain about. It's silly me who's dealing with my own old traumas and insecurities. For some reason, now that one of my partners is freshly in love, i start feeling like my whole world is falling apart and i can trust no one from now on.

It's so unfair! I'm acting like a spoiled little girl, used to being the center of her parents' world until a younger sibling is born. With the only difference that a little girl doesn't have a traumatizing experience of previous relationships.

As for talking it all over... We did and keep doing it, but i'm scared to death of playing drama queen again and again, despite being repeatedly told that doing that is only bringing us closer together. I'm doing my best not to hurt anyone and to be as gentle as possible, but one has only so much patience and it's only a question of time until he gets fed up and leaves me. Or so i feel. But i also feel i'm losing him anyway, just like i lost other people before.

Being a great polyamory advocate for as long as i can remember, i surprised myself with such an emotional reaction when it came to sharing not just the body, but the very heart of my loved one. I'm probably scared of losing my status as his best friend and confidant. I don't feel special anymore and it's killing me.

Now what? Should i stop calling myself polyamorist and dump him before i'm dumped? Or just shut up and watch my heart exploding? How i defend my loved one from my jealous self?

 

[JuneauHiker]

I understand what you're going through, and that it's scary to think of the future and what might happen. I can tell you it's not always easy, but you can move past some of those feelings and find a way to get your needs met (you need connection, to feel like you're wanted, etc).

I highly suggest reading this post from The Inn Between:

http://www.theinnbetween.net/polyjealousy.html

 

[Magdlyn]

Thank you so much for your kind words!

All my partners are being impeccable, i have nothing at all to complain about. It's silly me who's dealing with my own old traumas and insecurities. For some reason, now that one of my partners is freshly in love, i start feeling like my whole world is falling apart and i can trust no one from now on.

It's so unfair! I'm acting like a spoiled little girl, used to being the center of her parents' world until a younger sibling is born. With the only difference that a little girl doesn't have a traumatizing experience of previous relationships.

I hear you saying you feel triggered back to when you were a little girl, and perhaps experienced abandonment and neglect. This doesn't make you silly or stupid. Stop being your own bully.

As for talking it all over... We did and keep doing it, but i'm scared to death of playing drama queen again and again, despite being repeatedly told that doing that is only bringing us closer together. I'm doing my best not to hurt anyone and to be as gentle as possible, but one has only so much patience and it's only a question of time until he gets fed up and leaves me. Or so i feel. But i also feel i'm losing him anyway, just like i lost other people before.

Perhaps your partners know that you experienced childhood trauma and are being triggered into PTSD. You could try and trust that your partner with a new gf knows this and isn't taking it personally. Now that it's out in the open, you (all) can learn to deal with it, with lots of reassuring words and behaviors. I hear it's hard for you to feel safe. You could keep asking for reassurance, and be specific. What exact words/behaviors help you to feel safe(r)? Figure it out and tell him.

Being a great polyamory advocate for as long as i can remember, I surprised myself with such an emotional reaction when it came to sharing not just the body, but the very heart of my loved one. I'm probably scared of losing my status as his best friend and confidant. I don't feel special anymore, and it's killing me.

Now what? Should I stop calling myself polyamorist and dump him before i'm dumped? Or just shut up and watch my heart exploding? How i defend my loved one from my jealous self?

Very strong words: "killing me, heart exploding, scared to death." Obviously your fears run very deep. Covering this up won't work. You need to do some self work. You need to face your fears, confront them, let the feelings run through you, and come out the other side.

We can be theoretically behind polyamory. Actually doing it is a whole different ballgame. We can enjoy having multiple lovers ourselves, but still be thrown by jealousy (fear of loss) when a partner him or herself takes a 2nd lover for the first time. This is VERY common. Some polyamorists just don't want to deal with it and search for mono lovers just to avoid this scenario!

No one cares if you call yourself a "polyamorist" or not. There is no membership card, no requirements. There are however, experienced polys and inexperienced ones. Most of us have to learn how to overcome jealousy. Stop being so hard on yourself.

I have a nesting partner and have had little to no issues with her having OSOs. However, I had one male lover who started dating a year after we got together. And it was horrible for me. Finally I figured out why. He WAS untrustworthy. He was acting sketchy. He was making bad choices in partners, they disgusted me with their (lack of) ethics. He was doing gross things. Ugh. So. We can be "jealous," or upset sometimes for good reasons.

But if your partner is taking care of you while in NRE, you will probably learn to trust and feel secure and realise the new woman isn't going to be a threat to your relationship.

If this problem goes really deep, and venting here and receiving support isn't enough to calm and comfort you, you could seek therapy around your fears of abandonment so you don't overload your partner with supporting you. It's OK to seek professional help. This obviously can't be brushed under the rug.

One question: does New Partner live with the rest of you? Has he moved her in already?

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

With the only difference that a little girl doesn't have a traumatizing experience of previous relationships.

What have you done to heal from past trauma? If this has been buried a long time -- maybe it's time to really work it out and be done with it rather than rebury it?

As for talking it all over... We did and keep doing it, but i'm scared to death of playing drama queen again and again, despite being repeatedly told that doing that is only bringing us closer together.

It's ok to feel scared of strong emotion. Esp if you feel all caught up in some whirlwind thing that won't let you go. You experiencing emotional flooding or panic attack or whatever it is? You could call it that. You experiencing X.

You are not "being a drama queen." Stop calling your own self names and putting your own self down. Does that behavior ADD or TAKE AWAY from the load you have to deal with right now?

I'm doing my best not to hurt anyone and to be as gentle as possible,

Does that include you? Because if you are sitting around being your own bully calling yourself names... that doesn't sound like being gentle with yourself to me.

but one has only so much patience and it's only a question of time until he gets fed up and leaves me. Or so i feel. But i also feel i'm losing him anyway, just like i lost other people before.

Only time will tell whether he goes or not and you all can weather out this recent change.

You don't need to create a self-fulfilling prophecy where you behave poorly and he gets fed up and leaves and you go "I always knew he'd leave." This is distorted thinking.

Are you willing to consider seeing someone to help you process all this stuff? A counselor?

I don't feel special anymore and it's killing me.

What do you need to feel special?

Now what? Should i stop calling myself polyamorist and dump him before i'm dumped?

Is that what you want? To dump him?

What's your desired outcome?

Or just shut up and watch my heart exploding? How i defend my loved one from my jealous self?

Are you going on the attack? Why does he need defending?

I don't know if any of this could help you:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

But if this is being amplified from past unresolved trauma -- you could accept this is a larger load than typical and seek out a counselor to help you solve the past trauma so it is dealt with for good and no longer troubles you like this.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Kara,

You seem to be struggling with some kind of past trauma, apparently you lost someone at a time when you were very vulnerable? and now you feel/believe that you'll always lose the people you love? If so, maybe the present circumstances aren't the main thing; if circumstances were different, something else would trigger you. You would still feel like people were going to leave you. What I mean is, maybe the main thing you need to do is root around in the past, and try to understand it better. This is the type of thing you would seek a therapist for. I would suggest do that in addition to seeking advice/insights here on the forum.

So, what can you tell us about the trauma you experienced in the past? Who left you, and how did that affect you? Are you affected by that now?

So, I take it one of your (male) partners started dating a new (female) person. What can you tell us about that? You said that this person is a unicorn. Why do you say that? What makes them (her?) a unicorn?

You said you know how it's all going to end, but I didn't see that just based on what you posted so far. How will it end? Will the new person steal your partner away?

Sorry if I'm asking too many questions, I just want to understand.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

Please give yourself a break. Your number one need right now is self-compassion.

I went through similar feelings this summer. I've identified as poly since I learned the term, and I was upfront with my husband about it when we met. He wasn't familiar with it, but he learned to cope. But he doesn't emote easily, and he struggles even more with communication, so relationships are an exceptionally lot of work for him. His stance for our 11-year relationship has been "one woman is more than enough trouble, thank you very much."

But then this summer, while I was travelling, he met a woman at a kink event and they had an immediate and strong D/s connection. They played for hours that weekend and talked extensively about all kinds of things. They really connected on kinks, and he identified areas he could help her grow (mainly self-esteem and standing up for her needs despite being a submissive), so they agreed to experiment with an ongoing "thing." Being as neither of them is exceptionally skilled at communicating, they made a bit of a mess of even identifying that they "had a relationship."

By the time I got back, they had gotten together several times for various interactions, and were texting almost constantly. Something that came up for me with that was I had previously requested that he text me more because I enjoy the little connections when we're apart, and I like having the record to look back on later. But his stance back then had been that he hates texting and it was too much bother, plus he always phones me back if there's something to actually discuss, so I'd eventually let it drop. Fast forward a couple years with this other woman, and he's texting like crazy. So part of me is a bit like, wtf I wanted to text and you said it was too much work, but now you're texting all day with some woman you just met?

It doesn't seem like much, it's just texting and he was right that he does phone (in fact, when I go through my records, I have to admit he phones me far more often than I phone him). But it struck a cord and I felt insecure about it. And I was really hard on myself, because I know he's committed to me and I knew rationally that he would never leave me for her or anything. So I was beating myself up on multiple levels... first, I was hard on myself for feeling insecure and having jealousies. Then, because that wasn't bad enough, I was hard on myself for being hard on myself.

Sigh.

I needed to just step back and breathe. Let myself feel crappy for a while and recognise that insecurity is not a rational reaction, it's a base instinctive response. Even letting alone the fact that you actually have previous relationship trauma, every human is born with the instinct of insecurity. When we lived in caves and tents, being abandoned or rejected by your family unit or tribe was tantamount to a death sentence -- solitary humans out on the savanna just don't fare well against hungry carnivores. Ironically, even though the feeling of insecurity may not always rational (and Mag's right, sometimes it *is* rational!), I found a lot of comfort looking at it scientifically and letting myself just "be an animal trying to survive" for a little while.

Now, re-introducing your trauma, probably you'll need more than that to move past this. As much love and support as your partners can give you, they can only reassure you from their own perspective. I agree with the others that a counsellor might be able to give you some techniques to help. They can help you get to the core issues with your trauma and start dealing with them directly. Yes, it will be painful. Yes, it will take a long time. No, you will never be 100% "over it." But you can get to a point where it doesn't constantly interfere with every thought, and where you can genuinely feel trust and security. You can replace the negative thoughts with positive thoughts and make the positive thoughts more and more of a reality.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

And yes, it's a unicorn who's been added recently. I'm totally aware of how it's all going to end. And i'm also aware of me acting bitchy, ruining the love of my life, and on the top of it all feeling ashamed of being unfair and ruining for my loved one his happiest moments.

Sorry, I'm confused by the unicorn reference together with "his happiest moments." Typically the unicorn label refers to a bisexual woman brought into a previously monogamous, heterosexual relationship in an attempt to deliberately form a triad. But you're already a MFM vee, so I don't really see where the unicorn comes in.

 

[Kara]

Thank y'all for helping me realize how obvious it is that i'm an emotionally unstable person and need [even more] therapy. I guess that's where my real issue is.

Sorry, I'm confused by the unicorn reference together with "his happiest moments." Typically the unicorn label refers to a bisexual woman brought into a previously monogamous, heterosexual relationship in an attempt to deliberately form a triad. But you're already a MFM vee, so I don't really see where the unicorn comes in.

I know it's confusing, and i might also be wrong about calling this wonderful girl a unicorn, as she's not being added *deliberately" but the two of them just fell in love out of the blue sky.

My MFM Vee is more like two separate families of mine, and now one of these families is being transforming into a triad. She's amazing, i really like her and it does have the potential of forming a happy triad - if only it wasn't the fourth (!) time in my life i'm welcoming a woman into a family and falling for her. Only to end up being betrayed by both. 3 times.

Well, that's what happened before. But now it's the first time i'm absolutely terrified by all the beautiful things that are happening now, instead of enjoying them to the fullest. Quite understandable, isn't it?

You said that this person is a unicorn. Why do you say that? What makes them (her?) a unicorn? How will it end? Will the new person steal your partner away?

I keep getting flashbacks, every single move reminds me of the previous experience. And yes, the new person will steal my partner away, even though neither of them is aware of that at the moment. It's the very first time for both of them and their intentions are good.

One question: does New Partner live with the rest of you? Has he moved her in already?

I only live with one of my partners. It's even more complicated, as the three parts of the newly forming triad live in three different countries. Yes, i know, it sounds crazy. Life is crazy sometimes.

There are however, experienced polys and inexperienced ones. Most of us have to learn how to overcome jealousy. ...But if your partner is taking care of you while in NRE, you will probably learn to trust and feel secure and realise the new woman isn't going to be a threat to your relationship.

I can't be that sure about it. Yes, there are experienced and inexperienced polys, and i happen to be the only experienced one in the triad. That's' why i'm here.

 

[Magdlyn]

I'd suggest you hold back on acting on your crush on New Girl. Why repeat your pattern? Why jump into a "triad" when it could just be a V? It always goes wrong for you. And she's in a different country and your bf is in a further different country. Let them have their thing. You and bf have your thing.

Do you feel you have more "control" and security to keep bf if you also form a romance with New Girl? You've tried this in the past 3 or 4 times and it didn't work.

Most experienced people date separately. Triads are very rare because they are complicated! The new person almost always forms a deeper attachment for one or the other of her 2 partners, and jealousies and heartbreak ensue.

 

[kdt26417]

Re (from Kara):

"My MFM Vee is more like two separate families of mine, and now one of these families is being transforming into a triad. She's amazing, I really like her and it does have the potential of forming a happy triad -- if only it wasn't the fourth time in my life I'm welcoming a woman into a family and falling for her. Only to end up being betrayed by both. Three times."

When you say betrayed, do you mean that they had sex without your consent? and/or, that the new person stole your then-partner away?

And this happened the first three times you welcomed a woman into your family and fell for her ... but it hasn't happened this time so far?

 

[Kara]

Do you feel you have more "control" and security to keep bf if you also form a romance with New Girl? You've tried this in the past 3 or 4 times and it didn't work.

It never occurred to me, but you might be right. Definitely something to think about. Thank you.

For the moment it feels like a beginning of a beautiful friendship (with benefits) between the two of us. Now I realize that it's just him who wants us to form a triad when it's doesn't have to be so.

The new person almost always forms a deeper attachment for one or the other of her 2 partners, and jealousies and heartbreak ensue.

In fact, i feel much better now that he confessed to her he loves me much more (i did'n force him to do it in any way!) and she keeps telling his deep connection to me is one of the things that made her fall for him in the first place.

Unlike the girls from my past, she has an established life of her own, her own casual partners and a even a gf of her own. And i have my own life with my "official" SO of 13 years, which helps me feel more secure. So this time things ARE different - everyone involved is open and poly, which wasn't the case before, now that i think about it.

When you say betrayed, do you mean that they had sex without your consent? and/or, that the new person stole your then-partner away?

And this happened the first three times you welcomed a woman into your family and fell for her ... but it hasn't happened this time so far?

He's a grown-up and doesn't need my consent for having a sex life of his own.

But in the past, after spending most of the time without me (for technical reasons), my partners just drifted away from me. One time they just got married and started a "normal" mono life with kids etc., refusing even to meet me again. The two other cases... i don't even want to recall, too painful and traumatic, i'm still recovering from those episodes. But yes, they just dumped me in a most disgusting way.

In a couple of months my bf and his new gf are going to spend 2 month together, with me staying in my country... I'm already (secretly and helplessly) seeing it as the end of my relationship with him... I know i won't overcome the break up this time, he's the love of my life...

 

[kdt26417]

Re:

"In a couple of months my boyfriend and his new girlfriend are going to spend two months together, with me staying in my country ... I'm already seeing it as the end of my relationship with him ..."

I'm sorry to hear that ... I hope it doesn't turn out that way.

 

[Ravenscroft]

he's the love of my life...

And so he shall be, until the NEXT "love of your life."

Really, Kara, you will be much happier if you leave all the myths -- "One And Only," "Happily Ever After," etc. -- with monogamy. They don't work at all well there, either, BUT there's all sorts of other myths to "explain" why (usually variants on "you suck" & "most other people suck" & "living sucks").

Though I may've strayed, it sounds like you've been the "hinge" up 'til recently, & when attention of two people strayed even a tiny bit from you, you got overwhelmed with insecurity.

Firstly, you were NOT "in a polyamorous relationship," correct? It sounds like YOU had part-time relationships with two MONOGAMOUS men.

Secondly, I don't see how much you've actually been together in that "4.5 years," & suspect that (like most such claims) it's an empty number. Years ago, I observed what we named The Thousand-Hour Rule: "It's not 'a relationship' until you've spent a thousand hours with a person, one-on-one" & yet remain excited about geting together. There needs to be active emotional/intellectual connection in close physical proximity, so excludes being asleep & sitting in a theatre & going to parties, but includes sex or dining one-on-one at a restaurant without interruption.

In those years, approximately how many hours have you been in such situations with each of the guys?

I intend no meanness -- it happens quite often! -- but it seems you've believed yourself to be a Queen Bee for years, & this has become such a large portion of your self-definition that any challenge to the illusion is deeply threatening.

Your choices are simple: protect the illusion, amend the illusion, stop relying upon the illusion.

As for "being repeatedly told that doing that is 'only bringing us closer together'." A pleasant little PC sentiment, & usually bullshit used to avoid full communication. Whoever says any such thing ought to be (metaphorically at least) slapped.

And please have your "old traumas and insecurities" tended to properly. If you're actively pursuing therapy, then you have every right to consideration from anyone who deserves the label partner.

(Of course, if you're NOT, then you DON'T, because everything that follows from it is flimsy excuse.)

 

[Magdlyn]

Why have these long distance relationships? Why not date people within, say, 25 miles so you can see each other often and really develop things?

Now all of a sudden one of your bfs is having a 2 MONTH vacation with someone he has just met? Who does that? Seems weird. Does he know it's driving you nuts? I don't call that "impeccable" behavior.

You say you're experienced in poly, but you've had disaster after disaster. Healthy polyamory does exist. Trying reading More Than Two, or Opening Up, to see where you are going wrong.

 

[Kara]

Firstly, you were NOT "in a polyamorous relationship," correct? It sounds like YOU had part-time relationships with two MONOGAMOUS men. ... you've been the "hinge" up 'til recently, & when attention of two people strayed even a tiny bit from you, you got overwhelmed with insecurity. ...If you're actively pursuing therapy, then you have every right to consideration from anyone who deserves the label partner. Of course, if you're NOT, then you DON'T

Technically, you're absolutely right. Am i being wrong considering Vee as a "polyamorous relationship"?

Thank you for pinpointing the illusion.

As for the therapy mentioned by every single one here... "Therapy" is my middle name for about 10 years now. Does it mean people suffering from severe emotional instability should refrain from getting emotionally attached to anyone before they're cured (if at all)? Or from asking like-minded people for help?

Secondly, I don't see how much you've actually been together in that "4.5 years," & suspect that it's an empty number. Years ago, I observed what we named The Thousand-Hour Rule... In those years, approximately how many hours have you been in such situations with each of the guys

A thousand hours that's only 41 days and 16 hours. Well, we're talking much more than that. We lived in the same city for the first 1.5 years, seeing each other almost daily. We're travelling petty much all the time visiting each other and having vacations together. With lots of active emotional/intellectual connection in close physical proximity,including mostly sex and dining one-on-one without interruption.
So i guess it deserves to be called a relationship.

As for "being repeatedly told that doing that is 'only bringing us closer together'." A pleasant little PC sentiment, & usually bullshit used to avoid full communication. Whoever says any such thing ought to be (metaphorically at least) slapped.

Could you please be more specific about it? I'm afraid i'm not quite following you and the point seems to be important. What's a PC sentiment?

Why have these long distance relationships? Why not date people within, say, 25 miles so you can see each other often and really develop things?

Is it possible to turn love off on demand when you change your location?

Now all of a sudden one of your bfs is having a 2 MONTH vacation with someone he has just met? Who does that? Seems weird. Does he know it's driving you nuts? I don't call that "impeccable" behavior.

Now you made me confused. So you do see something wrong with this 2 month get-together? Now that i'm almost accepted MY being incapable to develop a healthy poly relationship?

Of course he doesn't know anything. Frankly, i can't even see any logical explanation for why anything could be wrong with it. Two grown-up people having their thing, i don't even have a "voting right" on those matters, it's all about the two of them. Or not?

 

[Magdlyn]

As for the therapy mentioned by every single one here... "Therapy" is my middle name for about 10 years now. Does it mean people suffering from severe emotional instability should refrain from getting emotionally attached to anyone before they're cured (if at all)? Or from asking like-minded people for help?

You can do relationships. You need to be aware of your issues, your partners need to be aware of your issues, and you will struggle... with trust, with self esteem, etc. We have people here who have emotional issues that blog about their struggles with trust, anxiety, predicting doom, etc. You may need a lot more reassurance than more stable people. You will need partners who understand your limits and make allowances, gladly and lovingly.

A thousand hours, that's only 41 days and 16 hours. Well, we're talking much more than that. We lived in the same city for the first 1.5 years, seeing each other almost daily. We're travelling pretty much all the time visiting each other and having vacations together. With lots of active emotional/intellectual connection in close physical proximity,including mostly sex and dining one-on-one without interruption.

So i guess it deserves to be called a relationship.

We don't have names for your guys so I will call them BF1 and BF2. You've been with BF1 for 13 years. You lived in the same city with BF2 for 1.5 years, then he moved to another country and you've kept the relationship alive for 3 more years with frequent visits. OK. I didn't realise you'd actually been local with both bfs, and actually living with or near them.

Is it possible to turn love off on demand when you change your location?

Turn off on demand, no. But often love fades when a partner moves away. It's fine you've maintained the relationships despite distance. You must be in Europe where countries are more like our US states, and it's just a few hours of flying to get together.

Now you made me confused. So you do see something wrong with this 2 month get-together? Now that i'm almost accepted MY being incapable to develop a healthy poly relationship?

Of course he doesn't know anything. Frankly, i can't even see any logical explanation for why anything could be wrong with it. Two grown-up people having their thing, i don't even have a "voting right" on those matters, it's all about the two of them. Or not?

I wouldn't say "of course he doesn't know anything" as a given. Why shouldn't you tell him you feel threatened to the point of wanting to dump him, "heart exploding," etc., etc., by the upcoming visit of Ms New and Shiny?

I live with my partner. If she met a new person, and a couple months in said, "See ya, I'm off to vacation with New Shiny Person, take care of the dog!" hell yeah I'd be upset! Heck, she worked 7 weeks this summer at a camp and it was an hour and a half away, and she drove home every weekend for a 30 hour visit, just to help around the house, pay bills, do some of the dog care, water her plants, etc. Plus she missed me and vice versa. I felt cared for.

She also has a bf in the next town from us, that she doesn't live with. She made time to be with him for a couple overnights over the summer too.

Now I am wondering how her current partners feel about her staying with her Mr New and Shiny for 2 months straight.

Not to say other people should do things just the way we do. But honor YOUR feelings. You have attachment difficulties and separation anxiety. You sound panicky in your first posts. Why make it easy for this bf to live with for a full 2 months with Ms New and Shiny? Is he even aware how panicked you are? Does he care?

I'm going to post this and reread your first posts and see if I've missed anything, editing if necessary.

You say you are traveling "all the time" to see BF2. Will you stay away while Ms New and Shiny is with him? Or do you feel if you visit him during this time, you are required to have sex with her? BF2 would like it. You feel attracted to her. But is it healthy for you to actually start one more triad, when you've had 3 other failed ones? Maybe go and visit and take turns sleeping with BF2. 2 months is a long time, if you're used to traveling to see him "all the time." You don't HAVE to fuck Ms New, even if he wants you to, even if you're somewhat attracted to her. What's the rush? You feel doing that dooms your relationship with BF. So do something different.

Obviously none of us here know the whole story, of your childhood traumas, your previous relationships that failed so spectacularly badly you can't even talk about it. We are doing the best we can with limited information.

 

[Kara]

Thank you all again, knowing i'm not the only one going trough the "Poly Hell" helps a lot.

But now that i've heard all the opinions, a new guilt emerged - a guilt of not being 100% healthy and still trying to engage in poly relationships, causing lots of trouble for other people.

And there are even more confusing questions now:

- what does it mean being poly if there are still jealousy and boundaries to be watched for? How about not being possessive, how about feeling free, how about "live and let live"?

I feel like it's ME who's actually betraying my partner and breaking the pact of mutual respect. After all, we did declare total freedom and liberty for both of us from the very beginning. That was our agreement. You say my partner must be aware of my mixed feelings. But how can i tell him that everything we agreed upon is not valid anymore now that it's too late? Can't even think of hurting him that much. Besides, that's the sure shortcut to parting our ways at once - neither of us would be able to lead a mono lifestyle.

- on the other hand, if "all that 'only bringing us closer together' is just a pleasant little PC sentiment, & usually bullshit used to avoid full communication.", then what full communication and processing is about? Should it be avoided altogether? Should it be done differently? Should everything unpleasant be left to the therapist? Should i just kill myself and not to be a burden to innocent people?

- and i still can't find the definition of "PC sentiment"