JanetDammit
New member
There is a lot of backstory to this that I feel is relevant to my situation, so this is going to be very long. I am the wife. We've been in a mono married relationship over 30 years but much of it was platonic. (We hadn't had sex in about 15 yrs.) Although Brad has always loved me and been very dedicated and loyal (and patient), his self-esteem became very low. I recently found out that he had suspected that I had had affairs. It was not true; his imagination was simply fueled by that low self-esteem.
About 3 yrs ago, Brad told me that he hadn't planned on it but had fallen in love with someone else. He told me that he still was devoted to me, hadn't consummated anything and wouldn't pursue it if I was not ok with it. It was a shock, but since I'd been familiar with the concept of poly relationships and knew of some successful (and some not so successful) ones, I told him it that it was possible to love more than one person romantically.
We spent a lot of time discussing what would/could happen next. I listened to many podcast about poly. I got to know Maggie via skype and messaging a little more. After much contemplation and soul searching, I told them both that I had decided that I was ok with them getting intimate. Honestly, my mindset at the time was that because I just couldn't emotionally handle sex, maybe she could fulfill that for him and it would take the pressure off of me.
Shortly after that though, I had an epiphany that I think was partially induced by the thought that even though I had secretly thought it would be nice for Brad to have someone else to fulfill his sexual needs, the reality of that set in. The other thing that had brought it about was a report that had been all over the news about an older brother admitting that he had sexually assaulted his sisters. I suddenly realized that my aversion to sex had been building up due to a sexual assault on me when I was 12. I had buried the memory. After this realization, I took steps to work through the emotional trauma of it and swiftly began to regain my sexuality. Some of this was with the help of Maggie who had been a rape counselor. Brad and I began having enjoyable sex on a regular basis and this was all before he and Maggie had sex. Even so, I thought I was still ok with their relationship continuing.
Fast forward and because of some financial issues, she picked up and moved into our house. We had all discussed it and agreed to it and thought that as grown 50-something adults we could be mature enough to handle this big change. Wrong. Too much, too soon. After 2 months, we asked her to move out, but we offered a rental house we luckily had available. During that 2 month period, I watched Brad start smoking heavily (he had been a non-smoker for many years), lose sleep, and just be all around stressed all of the time. When we were alone, Brad would vent to me about how Maggie was acting and what she was saying, and it probably tainted my attitude toward her. After she moved out, they were continuing to see each other, but I didn't really want to have much to do with her. He was still coming home to vent to me about her and the situation.
At the beginning of this whole poly thing, they had agreed that if I wasn't good with their relationship, I had veto power to shut it down. Well, after a heated texting conversation between the two of them, I had finally had enough (It wasn't the first). I had been getting the feeling for weeks that he really wanted me to cut if off and he admits now that he was relieved when I did.
They both went through a mourning period and then started talking to each other. As Brad tells me, they began actually communicating, admitting their mistakes, working through how they have different ways of expressing themselves. Brad and I talked as well. We all admitted that we all made mistakes. Now Maggie feels that she didn't get a chance for their relationship to work. Brad would like to try again too since he still loves her. It's all up to me because he says he won't do anything that would jeopardize our relationship.
They occasionally have lunch together, they still message each other and send "Love" stickers. He hasn't hid any of that from me and I don't want to ask him to stop doing it. I know I can't ask him to stop loving her, but I just can't bring myself to say I'm ok with them getting intimate again.
I know that much of her bad behavior while she was living with us was due to the stress of it all. I honestly can sympathize. I would probably have been just as crazy. But I've seen her ugly side, I just can't like her anymore. I also don't want to see Brad in turmoil again so I'm being protective. I know that I didn't communicate well with her, but in the beginning much of that was me trying not to make waves and mess up their relationship. Brad has taken most of the blame for all of the miscommunication and realizes that he shouldn't have been a mediator when she and I should have been talking directly. Am I jealous too? As much as it pains me, because I typically don't get jealous, I have to admit that it is a factor as well. Would I be as jealous if I liked her? I don't think so. I was able to have compersion for them even when she was living with us and he was spending the night in her room before it all went south.
I am suspicious by nature. I believe that Brad is in love with Maggie but I question how it all came about. He had low self-esteem, she paid attention to him, she's pretty and shapely, and he wasn't having sex or even intimacy with me. I think it opened him up to allowing it to happen. Maggie is always sure to physically present herself in a way that seems she has on a facade and she has a personality type they I have never really meshed with. She's on the high end of the extrovert spectrum and I am at the high end of introvert. Even though we're at opposite end, we are both alpha females. I don't understand her and therefore skeptical of her love for him. I know that isn't very logical, but I just can't trust her. I am eternally grateful for her helping me work through my sexual trauma, and the whole shock of the poly thing, but I still can't trust her.
I am really torn about them getting back together again. He won't do it without my blessing. If I love him I should set him free. If I set him free I will be... I don't know, but it's currently causing me angst and sleepless nights.
I didn't ask to be part of a poly relationship, but I allowed it. Because I allowed it, is it fair for me to now want to close our relationship? Even though I thought I was evolved enough to be open to it, maybe I'm not really. What do you experienced poly people think?
About 3 yrs ago, Brad told me that he hadn't planned on it but had fallen in love with someone else. He told me that he still was devoted to me, hadn't consummated anything and wouldn't pursue it if I was not ok with it. It was a shock, but since I'd been familiar with the concept of poly relationships and knew of some successful (and some not so successful) ones, I told him it that it was possible to love more than one person romantically.
We spent a lot of time discussing what would/could happen next. I listened to many podcast about poly. I got to know Maggie via skype and messaging a little more. After much contemplation and soul searching, I told them both that I had decided that I was ok with them getting intimate. Honestly, my mindset at the time was that because I just couldn't emotionally handle sex, maybe she could fulfill that for him and it would take the pressure off of me.
Shortly after that though, I had an epiphany that I think was partially induced by the thought that even though I had secretly thought it would be nice for Brad to have someone else to fulfill his sexual needs, the reality of that set in. The other thing that had brought it about was a report that had been all over the news about an older brother admitting that he had sexually assaulted his sisters. I suddenly realized that my aversion to sex had been building up due to a sexual assault on me when I was 12. I had buried the memory. After this realization, I took steps to work through the emotional trauma of it and swiftly began to regain my sexuality. Some of this was with the help of Maggie who had been a rape counselor. Brad and I began having enjoyable sex on a regular basis and this was all before he and Maggie had sex. Even so, I thought I was still ok with their relationship continuing.
Fast forward and because of some financial issues, she picked up and moved into our house. We had all discussed it and agreed to it and thought that as grown 50-something adults we could be mature enough to handle this big change. Wrong. Too much, too soon. After 2 months, we asked her to move out, but we offered a rental house we luckily had available. During that 2 month period, I watched Brad start smoking heavily (he had been a non-smoker for many years), lose sleep, and just be all around stressed all of the time. When we were alone, Brad would vent to me about how Maggie was acting and what she was saying, and it probably tainted my attitude toward her. After she moved out, they were continuing to see each other, but I didn't really want to have much to do with her. He was still coming home to vent to me about her and the situation.
At the beginning of this whole poly thing, they had agreed that if I wasn't good with their relationship, I had veto power to shut it down. Well, after a heated texting conversation between the two of them, I had finally had enough (It wasn't the first). I had been getting the feeling for weeks that he really wanted me to cut if off and he admits now that he was relieved when I did.
They both went through a mourning period and then started talking to each other. As Brad tells me, they began actually communicating, admitting their mistakes, working through how they have different ways of expressing themselves. Brad and I talked as well. We all admitted that we all made mistakes. Now Maggie feels that she didn't get a chance for their relationship to work. Brad would like to try again too since he still loves her. It's all up to me because he says he won't do anything that would jeopardize our relationship.
They occasionally have lunch together, they still message each other and send "Love" stickers. He hasn't hid any of that from me and I don't want to ask him to stop doing it. I know I can't ask him to stop loving her, but I just can't bring myself to say I'm ok with them getting intimate again.
I know that much of her bad behavior while she was living with us was due to the stress of it all. I honestly can sympathize. I would probably have been just as crazy. But I've seen her ugly side, I just can't like her anymore. I also don't want to see Brad in turmoil again so I'm being protective. I know that I didn't communicate well with her, but in the beginning much of that was me trying not to make waves and mess up their relationship. Brad has taken most of the blame for all of the miscommunication and realizes that he shouldn't have been a mediator when she and I should have been talking directly. Am I jealous too? As much as it pains me, because I typically don't get jealous, I have to admit that it is a factor as well. Would I be as jealous if I liked her? I don't think so. I was able to have compersion for them even when she was living with us and he was spending the night in her room before it all went south.
I am suspicious by nature. I believe that Brad is in love with Maggie but I question how it all came about. He had low self-esteem, she paid attention to him, she's pretty and shapely, and he wasn't having sex or even intimacy with me. I think it opened him up to allowing it to happen. Maggie is always sure to physically present herself in a way that seems she has on a facade and she has a personality type they I have never really meshed with. She's on the high end of the extrovert spectrum and I am at the high end of introvert. Even though we're at opposite end, we are both alpha females. I don't understand her and therefore skeptical of her love for him. I know that isn't very logical, but I just can't trust her. I am eternally grateful for her helping me work through my sexual trauma, and the whole shock of the poly thing, but I still can't trust her.
I am really torn about them getting back together again. He won't do it without my blessing. If I love him I should set him free. If I set him free I will be... I don't know, but it's currently causing me angst and sleepless nights.
I didn't ask to be part of a poly relationship, but I allowed it. Because I allowed it, is it fair for me to now want to close our relationship? Even though I thought I was evolved enough to be open to it, maybe I'm not really. What do you experienced poly people think?
