Am I getting better or worse? (cheating wife)

Redpepper and I were discussing your last question about compersion. She thought you were asking if monos can have compersion, which we both agree is completely possible; me being a case in point. Can a mono survive in a poly situation without compersion and maintain any semblance of health? Extremely unlikely. I don't think this would be possible unless the mono turns off parts of their hearts and minds to avoid a spiral into despair. We all have to be strong and independent enough to take care of ourselves. Look inward... are you sacrificing yourself for the happiness of another, or sharing in that experience?
 
Bah, I think its actually healthier for you to just tune out and go inward, rather than try to have compersion. Protect yourself first. Leave them to their own devices.
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It's interesting you say that about tuning out. I kind of feel that's what I have been doing, and it's allowing me greater acceptance, or giving me peace with it all, which, oddly, is allowing me to feel closer to Nora! Our communication has certainly improved (as has our sex life).

Have you confronted Nick? I would've told him either he tells Maya, or you do.
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I haven't confronted Nick yet. I'm sure the day will come when I do. I try to think before I act. The interworkings of his marriage are still pretty unknown to me. It's obvious that he and Maya love each other; I just don't see the "in love" when I look at them. Of course, that's from the outside looking in. I have spent a few evenings with them both, and I really do like Maya. Thing is, I'm a product of a very ugly divorce, and I believe that if Nick and Maya are ever going to get their shit together, it needs to be of their own accord.

I know it's like being on a train without a complete set of tracks. I know this will end poorly for them. I just need to protect myself, and do my best to be there for her when it runs amuck.

It almost seems like Nora is kind of just finding herself. We've had discussions about threesomes, swinging; she's just really out to explore and find herself. I've been around the block a few more (quite a few more) times than she. She's lived a pretty vanilla life. I don't know what's caused her sudden need to explore. But I'm no shrink.

If I blow, it'll just be a mess. If I keep my cool, take care of myself and protect her, it will, in turn, help all involved, I think. It's not like I ever thought she was a pure as the driven snow. Hell, our first night together was a threeway. My concerns aren't in the immediate. As long as I can stay calm, I can do that. It's the long term that worries me. It's the 5+ years down the road that scare me to no end.
 
Pardon double post. Missed Mono's response.

I don't think this would be possible unless the mono turns off parts of their hearts and minds to avoid a spiral into despair. We all have to be strong and independent enough to take care of ourselves. Look inward... Are you sacrificing yourself for the happiness of another, or sharing in that experience?
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That's exactly what I was searching for! Thank you both for articulating it. Yes, parts of my heart and mind are clicking off like gears, but it seems like the more they do, the closer to compersion I feel-- which makes no sense!

Am I sacrificing my happiness for Nora? Absolutely. I have no issue with temporarily doing that. The question I face is: will she return it to me once she figures out exactly what she wants? Can we find some way, some day, to meet in the middle? I am certain this little romance of hers is destined for a short life-span. I just don't know what we will look like, who we will be, when it ends.

This would've been so much easier if I had had some warning; if it weren't someone I had a previous friendship with; if he wasn't already in my social circle; and if he wasn't married. Should she find someone else who is poly down the line, and discuss it with me first, I think I MIGHT be able to deal better. But this is just such a trainwreck.
 
Compersion increases the depth between partners. You aren't reaching compersion, you are simply shutting down as a way to deal with the tortuous emotions you have been feeling. That isn't good if you hope to continue business as usual afterwards, Dazed. It means eventually you will become complacent, and see them from outside of yourself as friends that once were a part of your life. Nora, you will see as one does an ex-lover; curious about them, smiley at the good times, loving them for the journey you went on, yet not feeling that connection any more, because something in your heart died.

No, in my opinion, you are on your way out.

If this affair does end before that something completely dies, I hope that Nora reads all this, or at least you tell her all this, because she created this. You sound like a woman that loves with a huge force behind you. I admire that and appreciate it. I think you deserve more for your efforts. I would love to know when you actually get the love, respect and appreciation you deserve.

I highly doubt things will ever be the same. I would love you to prove me wrong, but Nora has changed now. I suspect you have more than you think. At the very least, you perhaps could start a new journey with deeper understanding of each other and use the lessons learned. I will hold out for that, although I'm not holding much hope at this point with your latest thoughts. You could just let it go and feel this way, or fight those feelings and make one last-ditch attempt at creating a change in this situation.
 
Crap crap crap

You make some very valid points, RP. Thanks, as always, for the clear perspective. I sincerely hope you're wrong, but I doubt it.

Did I say CRAP yet?!
 
:) Thanks again, all of you, for your support.

This is just making me batty. One minute I'm fine, then something snaps a bit and I'm just heartbroken. UGH!!! It's so good to know that those of you with experience under your belts in this type of relationship handle things so much better than she has. I'd like to believe this community is truly about genuine love, and that as you gain wisdom and experience, you can be more loving in your actions.

Well, as we approach the weekend, there's going to be all kinds of interaction, 3 of the next 4 days. Cripes, this mess is just going to destroy what's left of my liver.
 
Dazed,

Put down the fucking drink, put on your big-girl panties, and get out there. Fuck. Wake up to what's going on. You are being USED. Move on, or join in... One or the other.

Side note: Sorry to hear about your mother. That really does suck. Get out of the bottle, and place your focus on that for the time being.

Remember the saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder"? Well, let Nora go. Then, ignore all her attempts to contact you for a couple days. If she makes no attempts, then ignore her for a while longer, like a week or so. IF she loves you, she WILL be upset over this, and wonder what she has done to piss you off. At that time, you let her know you are giving her what she has requested-- freedom to do as she pleases. And the upside is that you also get to do whatever/whoever you please.

My wife L and I have done this to the couple we date. They have shown that they are interested in greener pastures in the past. So we let them have what they wanted, and left them alone. Less than a week went by before they were both texting asking if we were pissed at them. We explained that, yes, we were, and here was why. That kinda put an end to the issue, as they didn't realize that we were upset over it.

We told them that they were free to go and do whatever/whoever they wish. However, if they wished to go out with us, or do things with us (on a sexual basis) then they needed to let us know that, and not forget about us when a "better offer" comes up.

Anyway, enough about my relationships. You know what you have to do. Why? Because you are there. But you can't make good decisions if you're drunk.
 
I think it's done, Dazed. If they have an apartment now, that equals done. She's dug her grave and now she is going to lie in it.

Get off the bottle, pack your stuff and get out before she uses up whatever is left of you. She isn't worth it and neither is he.

I'm so sorry about all this, but you need to go and be with your mum right now.
 
They ran a race together today, and went to my/our place afterwards. Once Nick left, I came home.

I'm so sad today, between this, and getting the news about mom yesterday. And today is the anniversary of my aunt's passing two years ago, and the birthday of another aunt who passed two years ago!

I knew when Nick was going to pick her up this morning, so I went to work for a few, visited two cemeteries, found a bar to sit in and wait for the all clear.

I actually saw a pic on Facebook Nick posted of Nora after the race with her medal. That was fun. :rolleyes:

We went to a festival for a few hours this evening. Then Nora wasn't feeling well, so she went to bed. I'm just sad and lonely.
 
Hi DazednConfused,

So sorry to hear about your mom.

I appreciate that you are trying to take the high road, give them time to make their own mistakes, and learn from them, etc., but I think that things have reached a crisis. You need to save your strength for yourself and your mom.

If they want to continue this trainwreck in slow motion, I think you need to let them do it where you don't have to watch. The thing is, it might be weeks, months, or years before it blows up on them. Do you want to go through the emotional roller-coaster the whole time?

Let us say the best-case scenario happens, but it takes awhile. Things happen for a few months, there is a blow up, Nora learns something from this, feels like a moron and wants to repair things with you. If you emotionally have put gone through a wringer for months over this, will there be too much scar tissue on your heart to be ABLE to forgive her and make things good again? Maybe the best chance for your relationship is to break up for awhile, and let them make their own mistakes, without you having to go through it all with them.

I am not trying to argue that you SHOULD do this. That is your choice, and you know far more about the situation than I. But you may want to consider this.

Best of luck.

Warm regards,
Rick
 
Gosh, this is all so hard. Nora and I went to a benefit last night with Nick and Maya. Then we went out afterwards, and it just made things harder. I really think Maya is a great person. We talked a lot last night, and it's pretty clear she's only in the marriage for the kids. Meanwhile, the closer friends we become, the more of a piece of shit I feel like.
 
DazednConfused said:
Gosh, this is all so hard. I really think Maya is a great person. We talked a lot last night... Meanwhile, the closer friends we become, the more of a piece of shit I feel like.
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Honestly, you have to stop that. Why beat yourself up? Just enjoy building the friendship.
 
Hmm...

I posted a while back about the importance of giving yourself time to think. But as I keep reading your posts, it strikes me that you're taking a lot of emotional damage in the meantime. Is it possible to remove yourself from the situation for a while, without creating too many more problems?

It's hard to make a good decision when you're continually getting the shit kicked out of you.

I'm sorry about your mom. I can't imagine how you're managing to hang in there.

Hugs and love,
Anotherbo
 
*hugs* It's so hard when parents get sick. My father had a stroke and a heart attack a few years ago. If you ever want to talk, my PM box is open.

You remind me a lot of my friend who moved away recently. Take care of yourself, please. You're too nice of a person not to.
 
Thank you all, as always. I'm trying to take some of your advice. I told Nora today that I'm moving into the spare room until I can get a better handle on things. I hope some day we can make it work, but between really thinking about Nick's marriage/cheating status, my mom, and some issues with my job, I just need a breather.
 
Great in theory. Sucks in practice.

Last night, Nora went to a concert with Nick and Maya and some other peeps. I passed and stayed home fixing up my new accommodations.

Nora came home, talked for a few, went to bed. Later, she crawled into my bed and held me, we talked again a bit, and she went back to the master. Nothing earthshaking. "You're always welcome in our bed" stuff.

It's all just so damn hard. This is killing my self esteem. I don't feel wanted or needed in the slightest. While she says it all the time, I just can't feel it. It's really not her. I'm too much in my own head.
 
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