The story of Spork.

[Spork]

I got all twitchy thinking about Primus, but it passed. In fact it's not the money, and it's not even really the time, I could make all of that work out if I wanted to badly enough.

It's that I don't know anyone else off the top of my head who would also want to go and be able to on such short notice, and the last time I saw Primus play Red Rocks (which was amazing) I was with someone I never should have spent time with, let alone spent money on. My associations with him are bad, in my head.

And I have better things to put $50 into, and better uses of a free Sunday afternoon and evening. So whatever "FOMO" (Fear Of Missing Out) I might have been feeling, has dwindled and I'm good.

It helps (everything) that Zen and I have had sex the last 2 nights in a row. We should just be having sex more, I think. We were all wrapped up in watching our way through Battlestar Galactica, and there were times we could have been having sex and we watched shows instead. I don't mind, as I have enjoyed the shows, and Zen's companionship feels me with happiness regardless of what we're doing. But I suspect that getting the sex chemicals going in my brain improves my overall mood in a more lasting fashion.

I met up with a couple of friends for a little bit, at a BBQ place out near the mountains, yesterday. I was supposed to have had a discussion group, but it got rescheduled because the lady hosting it had something come up. While we were there, we saw this really cool moth out on a windowsill.

It is a Cecropia moth, a "giant silk moth." I'd say the wingspan on it was a good 4-5". It was SO FLOOFY. We wanted to pet it, but I had a feeling it might not appreciate that, so we did not.

I looked it up online today, apparently we are on the western edge of its normal habitat, though they have been spotted further west, they aren't very common out here. And this creature only will live about 2 weeks, it's one where the caterpillars do all the eating, and the adults don't even have "mouthparts" or a digestive system! This guy has only ONE thing on his mind. Reproduction. I joked with a lady at work today, the next time a woman complains that some guy only has one thing on his mind, I'm gonna say, "You think you have it bad? We could be like the moths!"

 

[Spork]

Zen is wonderful and I am happy. We've had a bunch of sex in the last week or so! Including last night when I made sure I got to bed at like 8, so that he could wake me when he got home from work. Mmm...so good. Being with him feels downright magical to me sometimes.

I am in a downright happy mindset right now.

Which is good, since I got a text that could have spelled drama for me, but it looks like it's not going to. Old Wolf texted me to let me know that Pirate is back in town. He seems to think we might run into each other. Not bloody likely, Pirate has had no interest in the kink scene and that is primarily where I'm out being social. I have exactly zero intention of letting him anywhere near my life. Thing about all that is, he's a weaselly little person who appears so endearing and non-threatening (sound familiar?) and his M.O. for much of his life has been to find vulnerable people, easy marks, and take as full advantage of them as possible. When things were at a really bad point with the ex and I, but we were still trying to hang in there, Pirate came along. He set out to seduce me, wound up living in our house, had me telling all sorts of lies to cover and protect him, and was the catalyst for me breaking up with Old Wolf. Thing is, I KNEW he was sketchy. I knew this. I should never have let him close to me. But I was in a vulnerable and difficult and emotionally desperate place, and he damn well knew it. He gave me time and attention and affection, had me thinking there could be some sort of future between us when all I was seeing in my present and future was misery and darkness. I held off getting intimate with him, but let him into my heart, and that fact was the single thing that sounded an alarm, that I needed to end my marriage before I wound up cheating. Then, when all hell broke loose, after the breakup, Pirate played both sides to his own gain. Me, he continued to act like we were something, and I paid for him to go to concerts, I got him medical care he needed, I paid fines he owed, I took him to the GWARBQ and he ruined the whole trip. We eventually did have sex (well after the breakup) but he was easily and by far the worst, most selfish lover I'd ever had. Meanwhile he was trying to keep Old Wolf convinced that he didn't give a damn about me, that they were bros and there was honor and a bro code and blah blah blah. He's since attempted to reach out to Old Wolf and throw me under the bus, which created some drama months back between Wolf and I. He maintains that I started everything and he tried to deny me and be a loyal friend. Bullshit. He was conning both me, AND the ex, for all we were worth.

And I knew it. And I let him. Later he told me, in a conversation after everything went down, that he wasn't right for me, I was too good for someone like him, and that he felt it was fate for him to be the catalyst that forced change, to break up marriages that were past due to end, and that he'd done this all before many times. He actually saw this sort of thing as doing people a favor, moving them on, but felt he was trapped in their drama and problems in the meantime. Right. Such a burden. Getting desperate, miserable, lonely people to feed, clothe, and house you, pay for your life screwups, take you to events, while you accelerate their trainwreck situations off a cliff. Feh! Anyhow.

Well I'm not vulnerable now, and I'll have not a damn thing to do with the likes of him. Old Wolf seemed to think we might cross paths, but I don't think so. I think he'd be far more likely to try and reach out and connect with Wolf, since he could play the "women, am I right?" card, and try to "bro-code" his way into personal gain, since Wolf is still vulnerable in his unhappiness. But Wolf told me today, he's no intention of seeing or speaking to him. As far as he's concerned, Pirate "betrayed" him as much as I did. Whatever. Thing is, no one ever told Wolf the entire truth, what I spelled out here, who started what, how it progressed. I haven't, because I don't think he'd believe me or care about my perspective, he'd only look for ways to spin it to vindicate himself and justify a hate of women. So what's the point? Waste of time. Pirate, I'm sure, would not take ownership of his part in everything, since that would be putting himself in a less advantageous position. Yet he'd probably say things that Wolf would want to hear, which means he'd be believed. Regardless, a renewed involvement of this person in his life, or in mine, would mean nothing but fuss and drama, and I'm glad he wants that (for whatever reason) as little as I do.

And my horoscope could say, "Men from your past will brush against your present, and how much or how little you let them have an interaction in your life will be up to you...hint...the less, the better." Because the present day singer of GWAR, Mike Bishop, with whom I had some previous play and fun at one point in late 2015, is apparently now out of his relationship and a free man and decided to reappear on fetlife and shoot me a message. But it was a very brief reconnect, as such goes, and if he reads my profile he'll see that I'm no longer available for much. I'd still be happy and cool if he wanted to go to a party and do a scene or something, I'd bottom for him, but anything beyond that is off the table now. My presence on fet is clear on all of that, so I don't expect there will be any issues with him. I like Mike. I hope he finds a happier situation in his love life than he was in. He seemed very interested in everything I had to say about poly and kink, so maybe he'll be ethically non-monogamous now. Good for him!

They just played a big festival show in Mexico City, so it seems that even with the guitarist (who is a major part of the band's sound really) out of commission, still recovering from his bone marrow transplant, they are able to do shows to some extent. I've heard whisperings of a fall tour, so I'm hopeful I might be able to go see them later this year. Zen has mentioned maybe going once just to see what I'm on about...I really can't imagine how that would work out, I can't think he'd be happy to hang down the front with me, but I wouldn't feel good expecting him to spend the night alone up in the balcony (the only other place worth being) by himself. Maybe if we got some other friends to go...? *shrug* Cross that bridge when we get to it, I guess. I can imagine him laughing at me after the show, though, when I'm shivering and stained and soaked to the skin...he does like to amuse himself with the predicaments I get myself into at times.

 

[Spork]

Oh, on a more poly-ish note...

There is a woman I've met at events at the club, I am nicknaming her here, Starling. Why? Because my first impression of her was a nearly birdlike energy. She is small and quick and bright eyed. And Starling is a nice word and some of them are very pretty.

She is very pretty.

Please, no Silence of the Lambs jokes, aight? lol

Maybe I'll change the nickname later if something more appropriate comes to mind. So for now, Starling.

She made a point, after Zen and I did a scene, of saying she is sorry she did not come watch more closely, but she was volunteering at the time, and that she certainly wanted to come perv on us, and mentioned something about "someone you're attracted to" ...and later that evening, when we parted ways, she said she would be in touch to "set something up."

I am not 100% certain...I think she was heavy-hinting that she is attracted to me, but it could be Zen, too. I like her. Either possibility is exciting to me. I'm enthusiastic about whatever she has in mind.

Sadly, she said she is likely moving out of state to pursue some opportunities in an art career. Yay, art career, because that is cool as hell, but boo to her moving out of state, though... Regardless, I stand intrigued.

 

[Spork]

Woo! Big news! We just got the call, my older son is off to Montana Job Corps in just ONE WEEK! Now for the shopping and preparing and packing!

 

[Spork]

I'm so stressed out right now. I have 100 things I need to do and even having taken time off, I don't know how I'm going to accomplish them all. And more keeps piling on. I want to hide under my desk and cry right now.

Tonight- Have to go to the club and get trained to help with volunteer signups.
Tomorrow (Thurs)- Q orchestra concert after work.

Friday- I'd planned to go get new tires on my van. It needs new front tires very badly. The only way I can afford this, was to open a Firestone credit card. I've had one before. It's 6 months zero interest, so that gives me time to break the cost into manageable pieces. OK. So I got that done, and I was thinking to go get my new tires perhaps on Friday since I took the day off, and since I'm planning to drive up to Denver on Saturday. But then Ninja tells me he's got to be at Job Corps for a thing at 1PM. Firestone never does anything quickly, so even if I'm there when they open, they probably won't have my vehicle ready by 1. The only solution I can think of, is maybe to ask Zen for help, as in...I can walk back home from Firestone since it's close, and see if he'll drive Ninja and I down to Job Corps in the afternoon...maybe.

Additionally, Old Wolf wants to take the boys out to dinner Friday night, but Q had mentioned something called an "anime prom" event he wanted to go to, and I don't know what's going on with that since he hasn't given me any further information about it. I need to talk to him and see if he's available for that dinner...or not? I have no idea.

Saturday- I'm driving Q to his school to take the bus up to Elitch Gardens for his orchestra trip, which involves a dress code and a performance in the middle of the day. Ninja's friend-girl wants to go, and she's going to find some sort of transport up to our place, and then I'll drive me, her, Ninja, and we'll go up for that. Lots of driving, and a day at the amusement park. I'd love to go to the party at the club afterwards, later on that night, but there's a good chance I might be too tired. I don't know. I don't even know when we'll get back.

Sunday/Monday- Preparing Ninja to depart for Job Corps. I have Monday off.

Tuesday- Take Ninja to the airport and put him on a plane to Montana.

The cool new MoCA extender device I'd bought for our home network stopped working, and I repeatedly reset it, but it just wasn't working yesterday, but I couldn't even bend my brain into trying to think of what was wrong or how to fix it besides repeatedly trying to cycle the power on the damn thing. It started working again, just as mysteriously, this morning.

And now the washer isn't working again, after all the effort I put into figuring out how to rig the switch on the door, a motor is malfunctioning inside of it and it won't spin or agitate, it just makes a horrific rattling, grinding noise. I saved us some $60 with the dryer replacement by not having anyone install or remove the appliances. I hauled the new (used) one home in my van, and had Q help me move the old one to the garage, where the management company was SUPPOSED to come pick it up, yet hasn't yet (another call I need to make) but essentially the kid and I did all the heavy lifting. We CANNOT do such with the washer. And I can't presently afford the hundreds of dollars to replace another appliance right now, I'm thinking maybe calling a repair person to come look at it, but between my present stresses on time obligations, and my present finances, it's just one more heckin' thing I don't need right now. So I have to choose between getting a repairman out and hoping I can afford that, and dealing with the laundrymat for a minute...

AGH.

Oh sure I have extra time. Oh sure, money is starting to look slightly less tight. The minute I think so, life is like, "Oh, you have a little extra bandwidth? Here, have ten stupid problems to juggle. You can do it!" Can I just kick out all of the kids and throw all of the electronic appliances and devices into the street? Can I? Please?

 

[Spork]

The logistics are getting sorted, but I still don't know where washer repair fits...maybe after I get Ninja out the door...

I ran home on my lunch break, and was asked if I might be able to help Ninja's friend-girl move out of her dorm on Friday, too. I was like NO. And you could not have picked a worse time to ask! Actually though we worked it all out. She doesn't have anything big, so she's going to get a friend to bring her stuff to our place, then she'll spend Friday night with us, so she doesn't have to come up Saturday and we can go do the amusement park, and then later I'll take her and her stuff back down to the south end of town I guess? I dunno. It'll all work out. Ninja is almost off to his new adventure, I'm trying to accommodate him as best I can, within reason.

My life probably FEELS more complicated right at this moment than it really is.

So long as, should my van still be in the shop, Zen can help us out with transport down to Job Corps early Friday afternoon...we should be ok.

~breathe~...

 

[Spork]

OK things are alright. I refuse to worry about the damn washer at this moment, I'll let that be a problem for next week. Tomorrow will still be a busy day, but Zen can help if we need him to.

My volunteer training stuff went well last night. I was learning a bit of software we use for some event planning stuff and it's pretty easy. Had good talks with a couple of ranking women regarding some of the additional responsibilities I'm looking to take on, feeling optimistic about all of that.

And "Starling" was at the club last night...I got a little time with her even though I left early. She was expressing that she really enjoys watching my scenes with Zen, and loves looking at my naked self, and loves how my body looks as I get into headspace, and...yeah, I think she likes me. Which is pretty neat, since I like her too. And I was invited to do another fire scene (me topping) at some point in the future, perhaps if I put in more practice with that I'll see if Starling would like to do some play some time. I wonder how long she intends to be in the area before relocating in pursuit of an art career...hm.

She intrigues me, certainly. Strangely, contemplating what I might want to do about that, and how to (and if I should) put some energy into pursuit of...something...there...makes me feel awkward as hell. It is moments like this I sympathize completely with men. She's giving me every reason to think I'd be welcome in seeking some kind of connection, but there I am feeling all unsure of myself. Kind of makes me laugh a bit thinking of every time I've told a guy, or seen a guy get told by women, that if some lady at a bar makes eye contact or does some little nonverbal thing, he should just go talk to her, ask her out. Doesn't feel that simple when you're in the middle of it, nope. Not at all.

Well, after I get all the other life stuff sorted in the next week or so, maybe I'll ask her if she'd like to hang out. See if anything comes of it. Could be fun. At least, unlike many men I've talked to, I don't feel all high stakes about anything. If she wants to be friends, I'd be thrilled, not disappointed...so I guess I've got nothing to lose.

Zen and I had sex again last night, and I gotta say...I think that having more frequent sex is actually good for my health. Normally in the week following my period I have mood swings, and some aches and pains, tenderness and discomfort in the abdominal area, headaches and mild digestive issues and get easily dehydrated. This time around, in the last week or so, Zen and I have been having sex somewhat more often than usual, and I feel fantastic. In particular my mood (though occasionally getting mildly frazzled due to various life stresses) has been very much better than is normal for this time of my cycle. So while it's obvious that I would be happy and grateful for a lover who makes me feel as good as Zen does (in the act itself) I think I have even more cause than that to be grateful for him in my life.

 

[Evie]

Damn I envy the level of activity at your club. I'm in a small town in a small country where even the nearest big town only has monthly play parties and three monthly workshops for my jam. If you do gratitude, I'd suggest a decent local club/scene could be included.
Even worse, our more local scene is being ripped apart by a troll of a fat native pigeon (Fet ref). So I'm going to live vicariously for a little while, OK?

 

[Spork]

Damn I envy the level of activity at your club. I'm in a small town in a small country where even the nearest big town only has monthly play parties and three monthly workshops for my jam. If you do gratitude, I'd suggest a decent local club/scene could be included.
Even worse, our more local scene is being ripped apart by a troll of a fat native pigeon (Fet ref). So I'm going to live vicariously for a little while, OK?

Oh, feel free. Believe me, I do NOT take my community for granted.

The funny thing is, Colorado Springs is a middling sized city, with a very conservative reputation because we have a couple of big evangelist organizations headquartered here (Focus on the Family, and New Life Church come to mind, who knows, there could be more even than that.) They are vocally anti-gay and well...anti everything I care about pretty much. And our district always votes Republican. But most of the PEOPLE I have met here are actually pretty moderate in their politics, they don't like taxes and they want the freedom to have their guns, and they are pro-military (which makes sense because this is also a very military heavy town.) But at the same time, they generally are not against gay marriage, legalization of pot, or other social freedoms. They are, more accurately, libertarian in their ideologies. "Do whatever you want, just stay off my lawn because I have a dog and a gun." is how I describe it. And we have a pretty strong contingent of artists, musicians, LGBTQ+, goths, and overall fringe-folk. The membership of the club is big and growing.

Not to mention this place is beautiful. I mean, seriously, this guy is my favorite local landscape photographer, take a quick look at his galleries:
http://www.larsleber.net/

So I get to live here, and I have a busy club run by great people, which holds itself to some pretty strong best-practices ethically, and if that weren't all amazing enough, we get a really fun kink convention just up the road in Denver once a year not to mention the other conventions and concerts available to us. I am VERY fortunate to be where I am.

And I do try to focus on that. Because I'm not always 100% satisfied with where my life stands with regard to my career (though I prefer not to discuss much of it here, that is a part of my life I keep somewhat compartmentalized) and I often question my merit as a Mother, since my marriage blew up... I mean, how not? In a very real sense, the only reason I was keeping that marriage going was for the sake of the FAMILY and when I gave up on it, when it wasn't possible to do it any longer, the family in essence, for me, is what fell apart. Since then, I've dealt with teenagers who don't want to do anything productive and who bring me little joy and much frustration, and an ex who swings wildly from "OK we can cooperate, this is going to be fine" to "Oh my god why don't you just go play in traffic, you insufferable asshole." My youngest used to be so adorable, snuggly, he was just my favorite little person in all the world, and now he's surly, temperamental, and has no respect for me even as he totally respects and listens to his father (utterly disregarding the abuse the man dished out on him, AND the fact that he hasn't exactly put anywhere near the investment into the kids as I have now or ever!)

What I'm saying is there are times, where if I focus on certain pieces of my life, I feel like a total failure. Hopeless. All I can do is wait out the clock on those things. But when I contemplate the joy of my relationship with Zen, the hopes I have for our future together, and how fantastic a group of friends I have in the kink scene...how the contributions I make in that community really mean something to people... Then I know how much I have to be thankful for, and I feel very validated that I'm living a worthwhile life.

 

[Evie]

Omg, those photos, wow!

 

[Spork]

Omg, those photos, wow!

Yeah, his work really captures some of the coolest scenery of the area, and the best colors. But what I love is that so many of them look like they must have been taken way out in the wilderness, miles and miles from civilization, and many of them weren't! A lot of them were taken at open spaces and parks that are pretty much right here in the city. Garden of the Gods in particular is one of his favorite places to shoot, characterized by its big red rock formations, and you can see that from nearly anywhere in the city of Colorado Springs. It's like...right over there... And we're snuggled right up against the mountains, the whole city is. Much of this is very accessible to us.

But of all the lovely natural sights of the area, my favorite is the sky. We get amazing light and color with many of our sunrises and sunsets, and the clouds over and around the mountains are often dramatic, letting in shafts of sunlight and casting shadows that you can watch move across the faces of the mountains.

So I was feeling philosophical this morning and thinking about a particular topic in my "How the World Works" mental machinations. In America, many of us talk about the ubiquitous "they" or "them." By which we mean the rich, those people who seem to live completely differently from most of us, the movers and shakers, those who appear to have gotten all the luck. And I was thinking of my Mother's family, two generations up from me, with the sisters, my Grandmother and my Great Aunt. Now, all of this started as I realized sometimes I'm a little bitter that my family didn't invest more into me. My Dad and his wife, they raised up my little brother and they (and another family that are family-friends to my Dad's people, in Virginia)...they put a lot of money into my brother. They went to the beach multiple times a year many years, they got him the opportunities to travel and live abroad and they helped him through college. Not me. They sort of cut me loose into the world, as though they couldn't wait to get me off their hands. (Kinda like I'm doing with my own sons in a way, though I am helping them with FAR more planning and advice on what direction to take.)

Well anyhow it occurred to me to wonder, since I was sent to live with Aunt Jeanette (the aforementioned Great Aunt) when I was a teenager, and to finish out high school there...I wonder if they expected that she would invest in my future? She didn't. But maybe they thought she would. They certainly would have thought that she had the resources to do so. And they knew I had a good relationship with her. But she didn't really hold my hand, so when a minimum wage, part time job wasn't getting me by, I ended up trying to form alliances with other people who could help me survive, and that is how I ended up with my ex.

At any rate then my mind wandered to the conceptual difference in perception, between my Grandparents, and my Aunt Jeanette. Everyone always thought of her as "rich." And she argued (correctly!) that far more money had flowed into the hands of Grandma and Grandpa, than what was earned by her and her late husband...the difference lies in what they did with it. Grandma and Grandpa had a daughter for one thing, and they raised her, spoiled her, went on to spoil her daughter (me, as a little girl) and continued to let her lean on them right up to the present day. But they also spent their money on expensive "toys." Campers, boats, houses, vehicles, and so on. Aunt J...her late husband was a penny pincher, their money was invested, and she didn't get to spend much of anything until he died when she was in her 60s. She worked as a secretary all that time, and they had the same cars, furniture, and modest condo homes. No kids. When he passed, she was able to retire, and she spent some of that invested fortune traveling, donating and contributing to her favorite causes, and so on. Oh and when she passed, I didn't inherit any of her money then, either. She left it to a college scholarship fund.

So why did Grandma and Grandpa always think that Aunt Jeanette was "rich?" And why did the rest of the family think the same, and that Grandpa and Grandpa, were not? It comes down to a simple concept, that I think does in fact divide the massive working class of America (perhaps the world) from the "rich"...the haves and have-nots. It isn't at all about how much money you get, or have, or don't. There's no magical number, where if you've got a certain figure in the bank or your net worth, means you have "made it." The difference is one simple thing: Do you work for your money, or does your money work for you? Of course it's possible for both to be happening, but which is happening more definitively in your life?

When (if!) you reach a point, where you no longer must spend your hours and days working for an income to live, and instead may spend your time as you choose...and your money is invested somehow and working to support your lifestyle... That is what "rich" means, economically speaking.

And from there, it's interesting to consider how the whole "bootstraps" ideology, and the notion of getting a "lucky break" and so on plays on the mindsets of the people. Because those sitting comfortably at the top, who were born into families where no one has had to work for their money for a long time, would prefer that the majority of people continue to work (and be slaves to) their economic circumstances. After all, our society has a lot of jobs that need doing, to keep everything we enjoy going on. Someone has to do it. If they can at least feel like worthwhile human beings because they did "an honest day's work" or they "worked for what they had" (the suckers) then the whole machine continues to function nicely. And if it comes to it, we can make work for people to do. We sure don't want them thinking they deserve a place at the top where their money works for them, even if the resources certainly exist for many more people to join those ranks...if everyone could be there, then who would do the dirty jobs? So if nothing else, well, we can make goods that break and can't be fixed but must be replaced, we can have wars and need military, we can build, destroy, and build again, and keep the ants furiously scurrying in service to the Queens of the hive. Slaves to the idea that if they work hard enough, long enough, they can be among the "rich" when in fact most of them don't even really understand what that means. At least insofar as they believe it means "having lots of money, and everything that lots of money can get me."

Anyhow, it has been a good morning for thinking.

 

[Spork]

Let's see, I haven't really updated this since the weekend.

I got all the prep done and the packing, and sent my older son off to Job Corps, in Anaconda, Montana, or rather a few miles up the mountain from that little "Northern Exposure" looking town. He really did need my help with the packing, though he got mad at me because he thought he was in charge of doing it. He forgot that everything had to be inventoried, and started stuffing things in a bag, and when I told him to pull it all out and pile it in the hall so we could go through it and inventory it, I found that he was trying to pack and take an Assassin's Creed Halloween costume...I was like seriously though? Really? Dude. So I sort of took over, but we got it done. He got on a plane early Tuesday morning, and off he went. I last heard from him Tuesday afternoon, when he texted to let me know that the people from Job Corps were there to pick the kids up and had everything under control.

We were told not to expect much contact in the first few days, as it's busy while they are getting acclimated to life at the center. But I hope to try and get in touch with him this weekend.

And I started right away getting his room cleaned and packed up. I'm happy to store his stuff, but wanted it stacked up efficiently to free up the room, because Zen has a storage unit he's been paying for, and we'd like to get his stuff out of there and stashed in Ninja's old room, so he can end that expense. I finished that project up last night. Felt like I needed a hazmat suit those first days, dealing with the trash he had piled everywhere. Teenage boys, I swear...

And on that note, Q's truancy has caught up with him in big ways at last. I got a notice that there was a pending court case, which was not going to necessitate an appearance on our parts YET but if he did not immediately and completely rectify his attendance problems at school, we'd have to show up in court. And this whole process COULD end with him in a juvenile facility for contempt of court if he then were to violate the compulsory court order to attend school...and even with me in jail...though I think that the wording mentioned something about "to the extent that I'm enabling his ongoing truancy" which...I'm not. I am not letting him stay home, I'm making him go to school, he's just been ditching class once he gets there. I used to do the same thing, but not to the extent he's been. I have no idea what he's doing when he ditches these classes, he's mentioned feeling anxious and overwhelmed and hiding in the bathroom.

So anyhow I have showed him the notice, and emphasized the ruin that would come to our whole lives if he ended up in "Juvie" and I ended up in jail for him just not wanting to go to class, and told him to keep in perspective that these are pretty serious consequences for him merely not liking a teacher or having to sit in a room with one of his former girlfriends.

He is still waffling on the matter of whether he's going to live with his Dad this summer, or longterm even after that. I don't know quite what to think on that one. On the one hand, he's been such a total pain in the ass that I feel like he could go be someone else's problem a while. On the other hand, I don't think it's best for him, because his Dad is still...who he is...and I don't like him filling the kid's head with maladaptive, toxic bullshit. I suggested that he could stay with me and get a job up where we live, and go visit his Dad on his days off work. He liked that idea at first, but now is once again waffling. And meanwhile, he won't be getting a job anywhere if he doesn't get a state ID and I've been pushing him to do the online driver's written tests so he could just get his learner's permit. That would be a big step in the right direction of working the "mobility" goal that is part of getting these kids off on their own. But predictably though he sure wants the rewards (a paycheck) he is not putting the effort into the first steps of the process to get there. He keeps acting as though these things are not related. He mentioned wanting to talk to a friend who got a job, to get advice on how to do that, and I'm like "I HAVE TOLD YOU...the first step NEEDS to be you getting a damned ID! No one will hire you if you don't have one!" But hey, Mom knows nothin' about nothin'. Maybe he DOES need to go live with his father. *sigh*

Meanwhile I rescued another baby rabbit from Zen's basement window well last night. It was like 4" long, tiny little thing. I had to use a piece of paper to try and nudge it out of a corner where it was huddling in terror, so I could catch it in a cardboard box and towel setup (much like you would with a spider and a glass and a bit of paper in the house) and when I was trying to persuade it with the paper, it actually squeaked in fear. Poor little baby. It came from a burrow that is only a short distance away dug out under our patio.

And I feel that bunny rescue has cleared my karma for my next wildlife management endeavor, which will be getting rid of some yellowjackets that are trying to live in my charcoal grill...

 

[Spork]

Oh, and Zen and I started watching a Netflix documentary show thing called "Wild Wild Country" which is about the Rajneeshees, or "Osho" commune people who tried to build a city in Oregon some time ago.

We are 2 episodes in, and I'm already pissed off at white, rural, Christian, 'Murican types. These people probably voted for Trump.

The picture I am getting thus far, and I don't know the whole story (I'm letting it unfold) is that these folks were followers of this guru, they moved their operation from India to Oregon, and tried to build an "intentional community" (a city) in the middle of nowhere. They were into some wild sex stuff, possibly orgies, certainly nude primal therapy and various sorts of spiritual exercises, and were almost certainly polyamorous, at least some of them. One woman said, when asked by a reporter, her views on marriage, that in their community there were no rules about that besides those that the people in the relationships came up with for themselves. There are former members who are being interviewed, clips interspersed throughout the show...and they don't seem like "former cult members who escaped" they seem like intelligent, very well adjusted people, who really felt they were doing something wonderful at the time. While I am not really one to follow any particular guru like that, I find a lot of common ground in things they did, which I think are basically just...good.

Of course the locals hated them, called them evil, of the Devil, and shortly set out to try and drive them away. We're talking a town of 40 people nearby who figured it was their entitlement to live quiet, boring lives in the boonies for all of time, and how dare some weird cult of sex people move in nearby to taint their pristine, Godly existence. To a one they've been older white Christians. They are being interviewed also, and one lady keeps talking about not letting "evil" win and all.

Yet of course the Rajneeshees pretty much just wanted to be left alone, to do their thing in the middle of nowhere. The townsfolk started threatening them with guns, and the commune people started retaliating with cameras and bright lights. So the locals bombed a building. So the Rajneeshees started buying up property in the town of Antelope (which was for sale, and they paid full asking price.) A local said it was an invasion, no different from any other battle or war. Many of the locals haven't had any more concrete complaints other than "they were weird and I didn't like them. They had a look. You know. A weird look."

The locals have spoken on record glorifying war, violence, and capitalism, but man you bring uncontrolled sex into their little worlds and it's time to go all ape-shit.

We have just reached a part where the Rajneeshees, after being threatened with violence, after using a variety of peaceful methods to try and win the basic right to be where they were, and after having one of their buildings bombed, are now arming themselves. Which of course is the beginning of the end for them, because as we all know, this country can not handle some group that wants to live by its own rules, being armed and able to defend themselves, like no way. At least from what I am seeing, a number of them survived to tell the tale. And I am hoping that the places where they are being interviewed are their actual homes, because they look really nice and they all look like they've done well for themselves, but I don't know.

*sigh* This country, sometimes...I swear...

And now I am also seeing tons of stuff on my Facebook about white people calling the cops on black people for no good reason whatsoever, and being outed on social media for it. I'm delighted that the whole internet is making fun of this one woman who called police on some black folks trying to cook out at a public park (and doing nothing illegal at all.) She deserves at the least to be mocked right into the ground for her asinine antics.

And I'm thinking, you know, about all of these things... When I was growing up, I learned this little thing called "minding your own goddamn business." Because if I didn't, in certain places I have lived, there's a good chance I might have been shot. And I am on occasion a bit shocked at to what extent certain others seem to have never learned this.

There are people who aren't like me over there! Doing things! Maybe bad things!

Is it harming you?

Well, see, the EVIL...

No, really, is it HARMING YOU DIRECTLY IN ANY WAY?

My property values!

What?

...no.

THEN IT'S NONE OF YOUR EFFING BUSINESS.

What in all hell gives anyone the right to think they deserve a world where the only other people allowed to exist around them are those who are just like they are and who only ever do things that they like and agree with and who structure their very existence around the delicate need for total comfort of some precious white person who has the sheer heckin' audacity to probably call other people snowflakes. Get the hell outta here. Take your stupid rubber truck testicles and your pink camo everything with you. How about that. Ugh.

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm glad you're getting more sex lately, from your bf. And have a little frisson for a woman! Good luck.

Fuck those 'Muricans. Good rant. Hope it helped.

 

[Spork]

I'm glad you're getting more sex lately, from your bf. And have a little frisson for a woman! Good luck.

Fuck those 'Muricans. Good rant. Hope it helped.

Thanks, Mags!

I just get so damned frustrated I guess, because you know, when I was a kid, I remember something, I heard my Grandfather say something incredibly racist at one point, and I clearly recall thinking, "How horrible...at least he's old. Only old people think such things. One day they will die, and no one will be mean to other people because of their skin color. Young people, we know better. We grow up learning better than that." I might have been 9 or 10 when I had that experience and that thought. I'm sad about how wrong I was.

But beyond that, I'm pissed because I try really hard to be nice and to just respect people and get along, you know? I mean, it's not a chore, it brings me happiness, but there are times I also have to be mindful, perhaps I say or do something thoughtless...I am generally, usually, working to be more kind in my interactions with others. And I don't say, "even if they are different from me" I might instead say "especially if they are" because more diverse human beings bring more ideas, more color, more experience, new stories. The idea of a bland society of extreme conformity horrifies me and I don't understand why anyone would even want that. The only common ground we really need is a basic sense of respect and acceptance.

And then we get these...these jackasses... I know white, Christian, American people aren't the only people who do this (bigotry), but it's the sheer hypocrisy that they act so pure and righteous when they are being so...fucking...evil...sometimes.

As I mentioned to Zen last night, I've only been grouchy about this kind of shit since I was a teenager. By the time I was about 14, I was utterly opposed to the whole white-bread religious ideology thing. By 15, I was reading Anton LaVey. By 16 I decided he was kind of bullshit, too, and decided to follow nothing but a philosophy of my own, made of whatever ideas I heard or thought of, that appealed to me. I don't agree completely with anyone. So there.

So this whole thing of not ONLY believing whole-heartedly in a religion, but also thinking that those who don't agree with you are evil and should be driven off or killed... For crying out loud when are we as a species going to evolve past this? How are we not better and smarter than this by now? At the global level, I mean, all of us?

Maybe the robots need to take over. I would love to be able to say, "Maybe the Cylons were right" but when it comes to religion, they're a little damned kooky, too...

But yeah you get racism and religious intolerance together and wow, it's like "Their powers combine, to form...SUPER ASSHOLE!" And that is pretty much what all I am seeing aimed against the Rajneeshees in this docu-series thing.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

...when I was a kid, I remember something, I heard my Grandfather say something incredibly racist at one point, and I clearly recall thinking, "How horrible...at least he's old. Only old people think such things. One day they will die, and no one will be mean to other people because of their skin color. Young people, we know better. We grow up learning better than that." I might have been 9 or 10 when I had that experience and that thought. I'm sad about how wrong I was.

I remember having the exact same thoughts! And my grandmother was trying to be nice.

...
And now I am also seeing tons of stuff on my Facebook about white people calling the cops on black people for no good reason whatsoever, and being outed on social media for it. I'm delighted that the whole internet is making fun of this one woman who called police on some black folks trying to cook out at a public park (and doing nothing illegal at all.) She deserves at the least to be mocked right into the ground for her asinine antics.

Grrrr...people.

We live in SW PA not far outside of Pittsburgh - which is a pretty friendly city, actually.

SLeW's brother-in-law was relaxing and fishing in a pond in his upper-middle-class suburban neighborhood and some asshole felt the need to confront him saying that you could only fish in the pond if you lived in the community. When he said that he did, the punk asked him to verify his address! How many white people did he confront, I wonder? (Her sister, who is white, also gets asked where she adopted her kids from...Seriously?!?)

 

[Spork]

I remember having the exact same thoughts! And my grandmother was trying to be nice.




Grrrr...people.

We live in SW PA not far outside of Pittsburgh - which is a pretty friendly city, actually.

SLeW's brother-in-law was relaxing and fishing in a pond in his upper-middle-class suburban neighborhood and some asshole felt the need to confront him saying that you could only fish in the pond if you lived in the community. When he said that he did, the punk asked him to verify his address! How many white people did he confront, I wonder? (Her sister, who is white, also gets asked where she adopted her kids from...Seriously?!?)

Gah. Unbelievable.

Like it's bad enough people think such things, but the nerve you've gotta have, to walk up and say something like that to anyone...

I guess I'm discovering how an awful lot of the time, I lack a frame of reference to understand how a lot of people think and feel, having never really had that mindset myself. Just the whole thing where human variety is scary...I mean, it seems so...primitive to me. And it also seems obvious that people in power prefer for most to think this way; the more divided and distrustful people in communities are, the less likely they'll ever band together and demand decent treatment. I ~sort of~ get the "us vs them" when we talk about faceless groups (I mean, I am here bitching about that whole rural whitebread 'Murican thing) but when I encounter actual human beings, individuals, I don't tend to do it with any assumption that they are going to endanger my way of life, even if they are pretty obviously different. It is that...thing...that boggles my mind. That "you aren't like me, and I'm mad about it!" What? Why?

Meh anyhow. We watched another episode last night. Things are getting pretty hairy for the Rajneeshees. But I'll refrain from going into more detail, since maybe others might watch the series.

We had a pretty good weekend otherwise. I got a lot of work done yesterday, and I feel pretty good about it. We moved a load of Zen's stuff out of his storage and into Ninja's old room, and I did some cleaning and ran some errands. We saw Deadpool 2 on Saturday. That was fun.

 

[Spork]

Yesterday...*sigh*...

I felt like I did SO MUCH DRIVING. OK so actually I want to math this up.

Drove to work: 15 minutes.
Drove back home to pick up Q: 20 minutes.
Drove Q down to the World Arena because his orchestra was performing for his high school's graduation: 40 minutes.
Drove back to work: 35 minutes.
Drove back after work to pick up Q from the event: 35 minutes
Drove Q from Arena, to be dropped off at home: 55 minutes (traffic sucked.)
Drove myself down to the club for a discussion group: 25 minutes.
Drove myself home from the group: 20 minutes.

So just slightly over 4 hours total behind the wheel yesterday, is all.

And while the group went more or less well, actually I think we've persuaded a new guy to come back and that is always a "win" in my book, we also had a member forget his keys in the building when I locked up. I don't have access to open the interior door once it's closed and locked, so I had to call someone to come and let us in. The person who did so, was the one I was filling in for in leading the group, and I really had hoped that literally ANYONE BUT HER would step up first to come help us because the whole reason I was covering down, is that she was having a really rough day for reasons I don't know, didn't ask, and are none of my business.

I did not want to bother her. But someone needed to let us in, or that guy wasn't getting home. So...

 

[Spork]

Oh, in other news related to my kiddo...

He asked me for a new hoodie (no big deal) and he saw one for sale online that he really liked, and sent me the link to it. It was a VERY cool looking hoodie. It was $35 with free shipping. OK. I don't buy the boy clothes that often, and his old hoodie is getting kind of worn out.

I ordered it.

He asked me to check how long it might be until he got it, and it says the order is still being "processed" days later...so I searched the website/business name on Google along with "reviews"...uh oh. Crap. The peanut gallery consensus is that this site is almost, if not quite, a scam.

You will wait a month or more, and eventually receive a parcel from China with an inferior and ill-fitting garment in it. Don't bother trying to return it, they'll never get around to refunding your money even if you get proof they received your return. Kiss your $35 goodbye, sucker, you should have googled the site before you ordered.

Luckily I used Paypal, which despite some issues I've had with it, does protect buyers fairly well, with an extra layer of security against fraud, at least insofar as the other risk, which is identity theft and unauthorized transactions. What I'm saying is simply that I'm glad I didn't hand over my credit or debit card info.

When one unhappy customer tried to get a refund/return going, he was asked to email them a photograph of his credit card. Wtf?

So crap. That sucks. And I had to tell Q that he probably wasn't getting a good item, if and when it even arrives. And it'll be a minute before I feel like spending more money on a new hoodie from a reputable seller.

But! On a much brighter note ("note" lol) Ninja was not able to take his viola to Job Corps with him, and has pretty much lost interest in playing. He left it behind and told Q (who also plays viola, and is in high school orchestra, and has been using a rental instrument which is ok, but not great, but all I could afford) ...he has told Q that he can use his viola while he's gone. Which is pretty much the remainder of time kiddo is in high school more or less. Similar timeframe.

Q and I were not sure if Ninja's viola would work out, because Ninja had a habit of being really hard on things. We had concerns about the condition of it. But today, Q got a hold of it, and decided it would work, and took it to school. He texted me to say that "Apparently it's really fancy, and everyone said it had to be worth $5,000 or something." He has totally impressed his class with this instrument. I responded, "Actually it was $1200 and I'm very glad <Ninja> did not wreck it and it's working out for you!"

Q takes much better care of instruments, so I'm happy about it being in his hands, and pleased that this will probably renew his interest in playing, to some extent. Like this is the kind of thing that will make his day, and after the bad news about the hoodie, I'm glad.

 

[Spork]

*sigh*

Got another bit of life drama, this time negative. If not my own. But that's kind of the problem I've got with it.

So there is a person I know, and like. We aren't REAL close, but we see one another at lots of events, and we're on the "friend" end of "friendly acquaintances."

This person was poly and living with a couple, and I've known the couple longer, but would put them in about the same category. People I know and like, but not like bosom bosom buddy pals or anything, just...friendish.

The single individual just said on Facebook, that the couple, abused and raped them, and that they want all of their friends to unfriend them, or unfriend the couple. I know that standard procedure is, "believe and support the victim always." I know this. But I've known the couple longer, and struggle to imagine them doing something that they would see as rape or abuse. Primal play, where they believe they have a relationship that consent is strongly implied, if not exactly implicit every single time for every single act...yeah, that could happen. But like...rape, really?

The individual, however...I know to have had fragile emotional states and to say big, emotionally charged things at times, and to have had numerous public sorts of breakdowns and the like.

I don't know what happened. I don't know who to believe or how far. I want literally NOTHING to do with this situation, and I don't want to be forced or expected to choose between these people. And the individual is a regular at the club, and the couple, is not.

And honestly, I'm a little angry. Because it's like I am being demanded to choose a side yet expected not to ask for any further information, because hell that would just be nosy and out of line...and damn it, I do generally believe in not questioning victims. I don't think the person is lying exactly, but I question the nature of the events and the interpretations of such.

And my fucking god, man, I never put it on any friend to stand behind me in judgment and condemnation of my ex, and I have evidence, recordings and texts, that he is one of the most unstable, toxic, awful people I've ever known at times, and STILL I respected our former mutual friends' rights to continue in friendship with him. And me, if they felt like making the effort. Not once did I ask anyone to pick a side. I don't feel that would be fair to them, no matter how much he made me suffer, and he really did. That is my personal business and his, I might seek support from those who don't know him and likely never WILL, but I'm not expecting our friends to get so...involved. And I don't tell others who they can and cannot be friends with.

I rarely see the couple. Cutting them off would be pretty easy. I am just mad about being expected to do it. It's not as though my social media "friendship" to either of them is some kind of...support, or that I am part of a fan club or I'll be reminding said person of them or singing their praises or making situations uncomfortable for that individual. I just don't want to be used as some tool of vengeance, as part of one person's exercise in getting people who wronged them, blacklisted from a community. I wouldn't do that, and I don't like being expected to participate.