Coming out

We have talked about this question before. If I were on a computer and not on my phone I would look for you. In a nutshell, I believe the consensus has been to be upfront about everything from day one. Why ask for honesty, openness and good communication if you are not willing to offer the same? Personally, I would be hurt and angry if I didn't know from first contact pertinent information such as that.
 
Ha Ha Ha!!! I'm confused about this same thing, but I'm more worried about what family and friends will say than my boss. Seems how my boss is my bf. LOL Though the crappy thing about that is it puts a whole level of secrecy to our relationship as we are crossing all kinds of professional boundaries.
 
This is something I thought of instantly when my hubs and I first started discussing poly and if it was for us.

I don't think I'd tell my parents, but most of the folks I'm friends with would be receptive to it and not hassle me, which is nice.
 
Indigo and I have an agreement that his parents need to know when we both have had SOs for a while. We live in a small city and I know his mother would totally go all Momma Bear on my ass if she thought I was cheating! :eek:
 
Coming out and inviting unwanted advances

Hi all!

So my potential partner and I were discussing "coming out" to people. We would both very much like to meet each others' families, but he and his wife are pretty certain that their 9-year old will pick up the vibe between us.

They describe her as "astute" and they live in a very small community with a history of unkindness toward those who are "different" (grr), so they would be afraid she would say something and it would have ramifications for them socially and professionally.

He's away this week visiting with a long-time friend and I joked with him that he could tell him that I said "hi." Long story short, he's pretty sure that his friend is attracted to, maybe in love with, his wife, and thus his hesitance to tell him. She is not attracted to him, and he's afraid of creating a rift.

I have never heard this discussed, but I'm sure there are others who have experience with this. How do you "come out", without making it seem like an invitation, if it's not one?

Thanks in advance.
 
Do some searching on here for "coming out" tagged threads. There are some good threads that discuss this at length.

Its not easy for some and should be done at a good time. I would not suggest coming one when one is in NRE over poly or someone they are just recently dating. Why deal with other's stuff when you can have fun and get to know everything and everyone first? There is nothing like washing out the passion of NRE than an irate mother et al. Take your time and come out if you need to. That would be my suggestion.
 
inlovewith2 said:
He's away this week visiting with a long-time friend and I joked with him that he could tell him that I said "hi". Long story short, he's pretty sure that his friend is attracted to, maybe in love with, his wife, and thus his hesitance to tell him. She is not attracted to him, and he's afraid of creating a rift.

I have never heard this discussed, but I'm sure there are others who have experience with this. How do you "come out", without making it seem like an invitation, if it's not one?
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How do you do it when you are single? Screw poly, or take it out of the picture. How do you deal with people that you aren't interested in romantically/sexually who are interested in you?

For me, it was just a straight up "Sorry, I am not interested" If I care or like the person I might give a reason. If it is someone who I am simply acquainted with, I don't feel the need to explain.

However, I don't assume the other person is interested. Come out, and if there are advances, deal with them as they come. Don't assume someone is interested sexually in another person. It can get embarrassing. :)
 
This really wouldn't apply to me, as I'm not in ANY relationship, let alone a poly one. However, if I were, I'd just let the people know who I loved and trusted. That's all, pretty much. I don't think people in my professional circle need to know. (I work in health care.)
 
We haven't yet decided whether we'll be 'out' or not. If we do decide to be out, our families will not be told. In fact, only a small circle of our friends will know. I am not intending to let work colleagues know, even if I am close to them.

I'm a very private person anyway, but I view my personal life as just that-- personal. However much I'd love to be able to be open with everyone, the risks of being judged, gossiped about, etc., are too high for me to tell everyone. Plus professionally, being open about polyamory could affect my career. I work in education, and professional boundaries have to be very clear.
 
Funnily enough, we are "out" to our own kids (18 and 13), yet don't really mention anything around our OSOs' kids. :rolleyes: This is out of respect for our OSOs. They don't wish to open up to their kids, yet all their neighbors know about the four of us (???). Funny how that works, isn't it? LOL So we are KINDA open in THEIR circles, but in our own, we are almost COMPLETELY open. Haven't told any of our parents yet... no idea if we ever will, either.

It'll be kinda weird when L and I renew our vows for our 20th anniversary. We are doing this on July 16th, 2011. I am asking S to be my best man, and L is asking D to be her maid of honor. (Is that the right term?) Anyway, we are doing our own vows this time around, and I'm pretty sure that we are going to try to keep anything about "forsake all others" and/or "only each other" and/or "monogamously" out of them. LOL We will likley not be including S&D in our vows... unless something changes drastically between now and then. (This is possible, but not likely. ;) )
 
Telling family & friends

I'm just wondering what other people's experiences have been of "coming out" to families, etc. about unconventional relationships.

My two partners and I have been together for about 18 months now. As time goes on though, it's becoming more and more difficult to be "a couple and their best friend who lives with them," which is how we've engineered things for our families until now.

All three of us have started to experience some uncomfortable questions about the closeness of our 'friendship.' For example, "Oh, G's bed always look perfect, almost as if it's not been slept in." lol It's got to the extent that two of us now have been told by family members that something might be going on behind the others back! (We struggled not to giggle at that one! lol)

All three of us are out to our families as being gay, which has never been an issue, and we don't want to lie to them, really, but we just don't know whether it's wise to come clean about our triple relationship or not. Have other people in threesome relationships "come out" to family?
 
EywaUK said:
I'm just wondering what other peoples experiences have been of "coming out" to families, etc. about unconventional relationships.

My two partners and I have been together for probably about 18 months now. As time goes on though its becoming more and more difficult to be "a couple & their best friend who lives with them" which is how we've engineered things for our families until now.

All three of us are out to our families as being gay, which has never been an issue, and we don't want to lie to them. We just don't know whether it's wise to come clean about our triple relationship or not.
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My wife and I have adopted a saying: "Those that matter most, won't care. Those that care, don't matter."

So basically, if they pitch a fit, let them go off and do their own thing. Simply put, don't associate with them as much. MOST family and friends, will, however, not be bothered by this. They will most likely see it as another transformation of your already "different" relationship. ;)

When my wife came out to her mom, she though her mom would go berserk. But in reality, her mom accepted it and said, "I thought there was something a little different about you guy's relationship with S & D. Good for you!" :eek:

So don't be afraid of coming out. Embrace it and enjoy it.
 
mellsey said:
He won't understand or agree with the lifestyle we have. My job won't suffer, but his view towards me could change.
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Hey Mellsey,

I'm very much a proponent of complete separation between job/profession and personal life. The two can easily conflict in the vast majority of situations. And if his 'view' towards you changes, of course your job could suffer! A good working relationship is just like any other 'good' relationship. It depends on a certain degree of mutual respect and team play. I see no reason why you can't just let it go as "normal personal struggles" (we all have them) as far as boss is concerned, and if he tries to pry more, just explain you don't really feel it's right to share personal stuff with work. He should get the message.

GS
 
My wife's boyfriend has been living with us for over 2 years now. None of our family knows about the relationship, or heck, even that there's anyone else living with us. Since my family is only 2 hours away, I am not sure how the heck we have managed to avoid it, but we have, mostly by doing all the visiting and not asking them to come over.

Honestly, I'm mortified of the day when my parents find out something is up. They're quite religious and won't understand at all. I have no desire to alienate my parents, so I'm trying to keep it quiet.
 
mj511729 said:
My wife's boyfriend has been living with us for over 2 years now.
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2 years! Congrats. :) Sorry to hear about needing to hide things, but coming out can be one hell of a storm to ride out. Been there, and it can take its toll. Would you consider sharing your experience on the co-habitation thread or in a blog? Sound like your family has a lot of lessons to pass on.

Take care.
 
It came up in another forum that I am poly. One other member's reaction? "That's handy. If one dies or leaves you, you've got one left!" That was shocking. I can't imagine people saying something similar for friends, or siblings, or kids, or any person you can have several of. And what is that supposed to mean, that if one dies I won't be sad because I have someone left? If your mom dies, should you be okay because you have your dad left?

I got so confused, because that post didn't even read like it was supposed to be aggressive.
 
Tonberry said:
It came up in another forum that I am poly. One other member's reaction? "That's handy. If one dies or leaves you, you've got one left!" That was shocking. I can't imagine people saying something similar for friends, or siblings, or kids, or any person you can have several of. And what is that supposed to mean, that if one dies I won't be sad because I have someone left? If your mom dies, should you be okay because you have your dad left?

I got so confused, because that post didn't even read like it was supposed to be aggressive.
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I will often joke when I'm trying to understand something new or very foreign... I like to hope I have more sense than this, though. That said, wow. How very hurtful. *HUG*
 
The person I was talking about left the forum and asked to be deleted from it. She said she didn't recognise herself, because unlike most people there, she wasn't vegetarian, she was in a couple, and she was faithful (emphasis mine). She didn't want people to be able to someday look her up and find her associated with that board, so she asked for all her info to be deleted.

Wow. Way to overreact. I can't help but feel a bit... shaken by that. I mean, I can understand leaving the forum because she couldn't relate to people who were single when she's in a couple, or to people who were vegetarian when she isn't. (This being said, most people on that forum are in couples too, and vegetarians aren't the majority either, so I'm not sure what she's talking about.) But the "I don't want my name to be associated with people like that"-- seriously, I can't imagine it has anything to do with food choices or being single. I'm pretty sure she meant me.

I wouldn't have recognised myself in the "faithful" thing, but nobody on the forums is a cheater (or nobody said they were, at least) and it happened so soon after her comment, I can't imagine she meant anyone else.

Of course, she's gone with her account deleted, so I can't even contact her to explain in case she misunderstood. It's... well, it's annoying. I wish she had just left without making a big deal out of it.
 
@Tonberry, take it from someone who pushes buttons, :D you gave her a gift and she didn't want it... right now. You made her think differently, and that is a gift, in my book. Often people don't want to rock their world of denial that there is anything going on outside of their own world, but there is, and it's exciting and interesting and worth understanding in order to understand ourselves better... That is always worth pointing out, to me.

Please don't beat yourself up or think anything of it. We have had many people leave here in a huff and it really is an indication that it is their loss or this is just not the right place for them. End of story, close the book, move on.

We love you here, so there ya go. :)
 
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