Bi gf wants to go poly

I would like to hear an opinion on couple of matters.

Would it be in your opinion better if I were to completely shut her down on this poly thing than enforce an OPP?

What would you think of a V relationship? MFM or FMF, are those equally ok? If that V would become a N, is it still ok?
 
We had a decent talk about it.

She wants to have a "polyfidelitous V with equal relationships" and she was very clear that there would be no other males to be involved. After plenty of explaining, i realized that I would only have a half of a girlfriend. From what I gathered, she has the partner already in mind and it would be a long term(permanent) thing.

She was also against the idea of me getting some extra permissions as well.

My initial reaction was to break up with her instantly but I told her to consider what I am asking and that I will also be considering her request. Thinking about that makes me want to break up even more so I am guessing that it is time to end this thing.

This just sucks.
 
Hi Keke,
Sorry things did not turn out as you had hoped.

In answer to your questions, she asked for poly, and if OPP is a personal boundary for you then I think it is best to offer her whatever you can offer. She says she does not want to date any other men so the OPP doesn't seem to be a problem.

Re: your V questions ... as it happens a V actually seems to be the most-often-successful shape of a poly arrangement. MFM and FMF are equally fine although MFM seems to be more common for some reason. However, there's nothing wrong with an N either even if it's not as common. The only problem in this case is that your girlfriend doesn't seem to want you to have an N. Unless she would be willing to have you have a long-term relationship with one other woman, with feelings involved? but then that is a problem because that isn't what you want, you want casual FWBs.

I hope this all doesn't lead to a breakup, but I would certainly understand if it did. I guess you could try doing things her way for a couple of months and see if you could stand it. Just a thought.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
It does suck. :(

Your ideal is monogamy. Even before this new change she's asking for? Her sharing sex with women FWBs is already not strict monogamy. You are bending already. It is a lesser negative than her having male lovers, but STILL NEGATIVE to you.

Now she wants to change to a Poly V thing. You would consider a poly V thing IF you also had the freedoms to date outside the V. But she doesn't want you to do that. That doesn't seem fair.

I really don't have to accept anything I know would be very bad for me and our relationship.
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You are correct. You don't have to agree to this new change. You could say "No, I don't want any more changes."

And if she still does? Then you guys could part ways. That's better than either of you bending yourselves into pretzels still trying to make it work when it is clear you want very different models.

You are already accommodating changes to the monogamy model you prefer so she can have FWB. With this new proposed change it like the relationship model is moving even further away from what YOU want in your romantic relationship. Because your ideal is monogamy.

And you don't get any extra freedoms? You are supposed to just be with her?

I would balk at that. It might almost be easier to part ways and find a new partner who actually wants the same monogamy you do than to keep trying to contort this relationship in order to keep on being together.

Still not fun to think about having to part ways though. :(

Galagirl
 
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Keke said:
I would like to hear an opinion on couple of matters.

Would it be in your opinion better if I were to completely shut her down on this poly thing than enforce an OPP?

What would you think of a V relationship? MFM or FMF, are those equally ok? If that V would become a N, is it still ok?
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I know you've already had a clarifying talk with your girlfriend, but FWIW,

Only you two know what you can honestly offer and feel okay about, as far as polyamory at all, or OPP.

A V is a great relationship. I've been in one for ... I guess about nine years now. It's technically/philosophically open, but functionally polyfidelitous. Everyone is free to roam, but nobody bothers. Any geometry that the participants consent to is okay.


We had a decent talk about it.
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This was great to read.

She wants to have a "polyfidelitous V with equal relationships" and she was very clear that there would be no other males to be involved. After plenty of explaining, i realized that I would only have a half of a girlfriend. From what I gathered, she has the partner already in mind and it would be a long term(permanent) thing.
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I'm so glad she was very clear with you on this, and that you took the time to understand.

She was also against the idea of me getting some extra permissions as well.
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So your idea of fairness will not be accommodated. It's really good to understand that up front.

My initial reaction was to break up with her instantly but I told her to consider what I am asking and that I will also be considering her request. Thinking about that makes me want to break up even more so I am guessing that it is time to end this thing.

This just sucks.
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Breakups do suck, but they don't invalidate the goodness that you shared while you were together. I'm glad you're taking time to consider options, but I think you're right that this is an incompatibility that won't be reconcilable. I think youre right that you won't have a full-time girlfriend if she intends "equal relationships."

Good luck.
 
I think I need to vent my thoughts somewhere, so sorry about this.

We had more talks today and I just want to explode on her because of this stuff and everything I have realized. I will let some of the steam out here, because I have to get out for couple of hours or so and I don't want to be thinking this "all alone". I really don't have anyone who I could confide about these things.

First I realized that she has been cheating. We agreed on a casual thing and that it should end if there were feelings involved. That obviously did not happen and now she is trying to push the same person she cheated with to a "polyfidelitous relationship". That feels like shit. Have to edit this here: It also makes me think that if there is other motives for her doing this, like that slippery slope thing which could eventually lead to me being "bullied" to accepting stuff that I am certain that I won't be ok with.

Also, I realized that she is the one asking for this and she is issuing OVP on me. Me, the person who does not even want this arrangement at all. I feel that very insulting and selfish. I would not be able to have anything at all besides her limited time.

Aaand then comes the weird part. She actually thinks that I should be supportive with her relationship and try to befriend her other partner so that we all could "hang out" together. I was considering more like won't ask and don't ever tell policy on this stuff and that is totally opposite of what I had thought I could cope with. She is asking crazy stuff from me.

Her ultimate dream would be that we all could live together, which I don't see as realistic option in any case. I do think that it _might_ be a thing which could potentially help with the "half gf" feeling if she were always there. Also it might make some things a bit easier and certainly it would save some money. Some positives which come with a high price. I would have to be there hearing they having sex. In our bed. Oh.

I am literally furious right now. Done typing this message and now it is time for me to disappear for few hours.
 
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Yeah. I decided that I will not go through with this unless she agrees that I can have something for myself too.
 
I'm sorry to hear about the cheating.

I do not think sharing sex with no feelings is a realistic agreement to begin with. It is hard not to develop feelings with a regular sex partner. BUT... if the agreement was starting to pinch, she could have asked to change it ASAP. Not be doing this "foot in the door" thing she seems to be doing.

It also makes me think that if there is other motives for her doing this, like that slippery slope thing which could eventually lead to me being "bullied" to accepting stuff that I am certain that I won't be ok with.
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I think you are right to worry about that. Nobody wants to be railroaded into things they do not want.

She is asking crazy stuff from me.
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And you can say "No, thanks. This is not for me. We are best parting."

You can be supportive of BOTH of you by bowing out. Then you are free FROM all this poly stuff you don't even want. And she is free TO poly.

I do think that it _might_ be a thing which could potentially help with the "half gf" feeling if she were always there.
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Or it would be HELL. Having a "half GF" + watching them in NRE all in each each other's lap and you not able to even get away by going home because you ARE home.

I am literally furious right now. Done typing this message and now it is time for me to disappear for few hours.
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I hope a few hours break away from all of this is helpful. I'm really sorry you are going through all this.

Galagirl
 
GalaGirl said:
I'm sorry to hear about the cheating.

I do not think sharing sex with no feelings is a realistic agreement to begin with. It is hard not to develop feelings with a regular sex partner. BUT... if the agreement was starting to pinch, she could have asked to change it ASAP. Not be doing this "foot in the door" thing she seems to be doing.



I think you are right to worry about that. Nobody wants to be railroaded into things they do not want.



And you can say "No, thanks. This is not for me. We are best parting."

You can be supportive of BOTH of you by bowing out. Then you are free FROM all this poly stuff you don't even want. And she is free TO poly.



Or it would be HELL. Having a "half GF" + watching them in NRE all in each each other's lap and you not able to even get away by going home because you ARE home.



I hope a few hours break away from all of this is helpful. I'm really sorry you are going through all this.

Galagirl
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I really like the support you are showing to me. I wanted to reply your previous message too but I had to go out and figure things for myself. It did help and now I am ready to put my feet down and tell her what I can accept, what I can't and what I want for myself.

I am ready to break up if things aren't going in a way which is acceptable for me. If I am not ready for that, I might end up walked over. That won't be a good thing for anyone. I won't be forced in to anything.

I know it would most likely end up badly, I feel exactly that there would be no refuge for me if we all lived together. I would lose all the privacy and safe space I would have. I am not even sure if I would have a bed to share or would I be sleeping in my own bed alone all the time. That is a definite no. I am also quite sure that it would not work for the other partner either.

I feel "empowered" when I decided this.
 
I decided to reply this after all.

GalaGirl said:
It does suck. :(

Your ideal is monogamy. Even before this new change she's asking for? Her sharing sex with women FWBs is already not strict monogamy. You are bending already. It is a lesser negative than her having male lovers, but STILL NEGATIVE to you.
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Yes, that is a negative thing for me. It would be impossible for me to accept her being with another guy.

Now she wants to change to a Poly V thing. You would consider a poly V thing IF you also had the freedoms to date outside the V. But she doesn't want you to do that. That doesn't seem fair.
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It would definitely not feel fair for me. She gets to have another relationship and I get nothing but less of her attention/time.



You are correct. You don't have to agree to this new change. You could say "No, I don't want any more changes."
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*insert a gif of a preacher here* Hell yeah!




You are already accommodating changes to the monogamy model you prefer so she can have FWB. With this new proposed change it like the relationship model is moving even further away from what YOU want in your romantic relationship. Because your ideal is monogamy.

And you don't get any extra freedoms? You are supposed to just be with her?

I would balk at that. It might almost be easier to part ways and find a new partner who actually wants the same monogamy you do than to keep trying to contort this relationship in order to keep on being together.
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Absolutely agree on this. I did already made a compromise and she wants more without compromising herself. I think she wants both of us to be there just for her. That is fucked up stuff.

It would be easier, yes. It might not be worth the hassle for me to go trough with this. I am still going to give her my final stand on this matter. If she does not agree with it, then it is over.

Still not fun to think about having to part ways though. :(

Galagirl
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Absolutely not fun at all. It feels like shit but it would feel even worse if I ended up letting myself to be walked over and resenting her for the things she want.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi Keke,
Sorry things did not turn out as you had hoped.
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Don't be sorry. It is better to make things clear than to be questioning everything.

In answer to your questions, she asked for poly, and if OPP is a personal boundary for you then I think it is best to offer her whatever you can offer. She says she does not want to date any other men so the OPP doesn't seem to be a problem.
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I will do that very soon. Gathering courage at the moment.

Unless she would be willing to have you have a long-term relationship with one other woman, with feelings involved? but then that is a problem because that isn't what you want, you want casual FWBs.
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Could that really be a thing? Casual is a no go but feelings involved would be ok? How would that even work?

I hope this all doesn't lead to a breakup, but I would certainly understand if it did. I guess you could try doing things her way for a couple of months and see if you could stand it. Just a thought.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
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Thank you for being understanding, helpful and kind. You are a good thing in this community. Some other people are very off-putting here but you actually help me (hoping that you will keep on helping other people too) to understand these things and their feelings.

I am not sure if it comes to trying things out. If she agrees on my conditions then it might. Otherwise, it is not going to happen. Thanks for the good suggestion though.
 
Even with all the weird, hopefully you can aim for a clean, respectful, peaceful break up if that is what has to happen.

It sounds like there's been enough upset without the breaking up part dragging out or becoming ugly endless drama.

Galagirl
 
Keke,

Just break up with your girlfriend. You two are not compatible and don't want the same things.

It's perfectly okay for you to want a monogamous relationship. You don't need to accept a poly relationship when you were already struggling with casual non-monogamous sex.

However, it's also okay for your girlfriend to want poly relationships. She can't bully you into accepting a poly relationship, though--the two of you need to accept that you don't want the same thing and won't be happy with each other.

There are plenty of monogamous people in the world, Keke. You can find a girlfriend who wants the same thing you want.
 
GalaGirl said:
Even with all the weird, hopefully you can aim for a clean, respectful, peaceful break up if that is what has to happen.

It sounds like there's been enough upset without the breaking up part dragging out or becoming ugly endless drama.

Galagirl
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Thank you. I hope for the same thing if things go that way.
 
MeeraReed said:
Keke,

Just break up with your girlfriend. You two are not compatible and don't want the same things.

It's perfectly okay for you to want a monogamous relationship. You don't need to accept a poly relationship when you were already struggling with casual non-monogamous sex.

However, it's also okay for your girlfriend to want poly relationships. She can't bully you into accepting a poly relationship, though--the two of you need to accept that you don't want the same thing and won't be happy with each other.

There are plenty of monogamous people in the world, Keke. You can find a girlfriend who wants the same thing you want.
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I have my ultimatum prepared. If (I think when) she does not agree to it, I will break up with her. It is just matter of getting ready to confront her about it. This is so freaking hard.
 
I hope there was a peaceful resolution, but I don't think that the relationship is salvageable.

You appear to be a "true-blue" mono guy. Even IF your girlfriend consented to you having female casual relationships, I don't think that would make you happy.

No relationship is a "failure," so long as you have learned something from it. The measurement of success for relationships is not their duration. That's something this board has taught me.
 
We had a good talk about our wishes.

Like one poster here said, she had an issue with casual sex. She would be ok for me to be romantically involved with another woman. I don't know what to think about that.

It would be fair, that is something which I really want. People here keep on saying that the gender does not matter when it comes to who your wife/gf gets to have stuff with. Yet at the same time, it is totally different if someone like me does not want to be in a relationship which involves another male. I don't get that. So this is fair to me and it might be acceptable.

I don't know. I have plenty of thinking and reading to do. We did not break up, not sure if that will happen.
 
Re (from Keke):
"Could that really be a thing? Casual is a no go but feelings involved would be okay? How would that even work?"
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Well, first of all it could only work if your girlfriend agreed to it. Also, there would have to be a period of time in which feelings were formulating, like it would have to be casual at first. Your girlfriend of course would have to consent to that as well.

Other than that, you would just *not* break up with the FWB after the feelings started to develop. It's something that can happen in poly.

It sounds like you and your girlfriend might have a way to salvage the relationship. I will hope for that outcome, while understanding that a breakup may still very well take place.
 
Well, that’s an interesting turn of events.

I deleted a paragraph from my last reply about my curiosity as to whether your girlfriend would allow you to seek a long-term relationship, to explore the possibility of the V becoming an N or W or zigzag, etc. I thought that line of thought wouldn’t be so helpful to a person who definitely wasn’t interested in polyamory for himself. I’m glad Kevin brought it up in his response.

That you are suddenly interested in the possibility of a second long-term relationship for yourself suggests you seriously never imagined it before declaring your definite monogamy, or that you’re really grasping at ideas to keep this relationship going.

Do go back and read what Galagirl said about pretzels. It’s great to explore something new. But don’t try to be who you aren’t, if there’s only misery in it for you.

Good luck.
 
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