When I was 23, I married a man who had just turned 40. My husband worked and earned the income for our family and I took care of literally everything else. We couldn't afford to have someone else do it all if I went back to work, and we were both happy with this arrangement. We decided this early, and re-decided it periodically to make sure it still felt like the best decision for our family.
Around 7 years ago, as a couple, we went on a vacation and met an amazing group of people who became fast friends. Of the 20 or so friends in our close knit circle, more than half of them are in polyamorous long term committed relationship. We learned what that meant, and we spent a great deal of time talking to each other about what we saw, learned, and what we admired in our friends' non-traditional relationships. My husband was very supportive of their set ups, and acknowledged the value they had to each other, despite not being monogamous.
Neither of us had really ever been exposed to anything "different" than monogamy (other than cheating or coercive religious polygamy) before this, so we talked about it at least a few times a week for 6 years. In this time, I made it clear that I believed that polyamorous love felt far more natural to me than presumed, enforced, and contractual monogamy. I was clear that I would like the option of being more open in the future, despite not having anyone in mind. He seemed supportive and understanding every step of the way. Our marriage vows did not vow monogamy, and he considers himself deeply progressive, feminist, and open minded. Not once did he voice discontent or apprehension.
Then last year happened. We went on another vacation, but this time we brought our own friends. A married male friend (and his wife) and I started spending more time together, and my husband went out of his way to make sure we could sit together and be mildly affectionate during concerts or events. Throughout the vacation, I spent many hours holding both my husband's and being affectionate with my male friend. My husband was both relaxed and happy, and really enjoyed the vacation. At no time did he voice reservation or concern, even when I asked if he was ok with me spending time with the friend.
After getting home, and spending more social time with the married friend, I told my husband that he and I would like to explore if there is anything romantic between us. (At that point, there wasn't anything romantic or sexual happening between he and I beyond mild G-rated affection). My husband broke. He has been broken since that day.
When I made it clear that I would not choose "monogamy-no-matter-what" and could not be happy with monogamy being enforced as a contract, he wrote off 13 years of devotion and care. Nothing I had ever done with him or for him was worth dirt if he didn't have 100% of me to the exclusion of all others.
Being told that I was literally worthless to someone I love because I could not commit to a fully emotionally and physically monogamous pairing... was like breaking the glass around the illusion of what my life really was. Apparently, that life was nothing at all without the contract of monogamy, "no matter what".
We decided divorce was the only choice. I couldn't commit to an emotionally and physically monogamous existence. He couldn't see any value in a person who was not monogamously committed.
Over a year later, and he's still poisoning the well of our shared friends by telling them "She cheated on me and broke my heart." and "Polyamory is all about consent, and I did not consent, so she is evil." (Even after we separated). In my mind, the moment he told me I was worthless to him and that we were divorcing, I no longer *needed* his consent; he was no longer in a relationship with me. It was still many months after my separation before there was any sort of sexual relationship, with anyone.
What do you think? Do you require "consent" from someone who has left the relationship? How do you explain to others the difference between "Having been informed of the truth, I consent to be in this relationship," and "I give you permission to do a thing."?
Around 7 years ago, as a couple, we went on a vacation and met an amazing group of people who became fast friends. Of the 20 or so friends in our close knit circle, more than half of them are in polyamorous long term committed relationship. We learned what that meant, and we spent a great deal of time talking to each other about what we saw, learned, and what we admired in our friends' non-traditional relationships. My husband was very supportive of their set ups, and acknowledged the value they had to each other, despite not being monogamous.
Neither of us had really ever been exposed to anything "different" than monogamy (other than cheating or coercive religious polygamy) before this, so we talked about it at least a few times a week for 6 years. In this time, I made it clear that I believed that polyamorous love felt far more natural to me than presumed, enforced, and contractual monogamy. I was clear that I would like the option of being more open in the future, despite not having anyone in mind. He seemed supportive and understanding every step of the way. Our marriage vows did not vow monogamy, and he considers himself deeply progressive, feminist, and open minded. Not once did he voice discontent or apprehension.
Then last year happened. We went on another vacation, but this time we brought our own friends. A married male friend (and his wife) and I started spending more time together, and my husband went out of his way to make sure we could sit together and be mildly affectionate during concerts or events. Throughout the vacation, I spent many hours holding both my husband's and being affectionate with my male friend. My husband was both relaxed and happy, and really enjoyed the vacation. At no time did he voice reservation or concern, even when I asked if he was ok with me spending time with the friend.
After getting home, and spending more social time with the married friend, I told my husband that he and I would like to explore if there is anything romantic between us. (At that point, there wasn't anything romantic or sexual happening between he and I beyond mild G-rated affection). My husband broke. He has been broken since that day.
When I made it clear that I would not choose "monogamy-no-matter-what" and could not be happy with monogamy being enforced as a contract, he wrote off 13 years of devotion and care. Nothing I had ever done with him or for him was worth dirt if he didn't have 100% of me to the exclusion of all others.
Being told that I was literally worthless to someone I love because I could not commit to a fully emotionally and physically monogamous pairing... was like breaking the glass around the illusion of what my life really was. Apparently, that life was nothing at all without the contract of monogamy, "no matter what".
We decided divorce was the only choice. I couldn't commit to an emotionally and physically monogamous existence. He couldn't see any value in a person who was not monogamously committed.
Over a year later, and he's still poisoning the well of our shared friends by telling them "She cheated on me and broke my heart." and "Polyamory is all about consent, and I did not consent, so she is evil." (Even after we separated). In my mind, the moment he told me I was worthless to him and that we were divorcing, I no longer *needed* his consent; he was no longer in a relationship with me. It was still many months after my separation before there was any sort of sexual relationship, with anyone.
What do you think? Do you require "consent" from someone who has left the relationship? How do you explain to others the difference between "Having been informed of the truth, I consent to be in this relationship," and "I give you permission to do a thing."?
