Shared my partner, now my body rejecting intimacy with him. Help! Why?

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nautilus

New member
I shared my partner with another woman, and now my body is rejecting intimacy with him. Help! Why?

After watching him have sex with someone else, something has changed. He keeps reminding me how much he loves me, but my body is not catching up with that fact and it ends up rejecting him. Our sex is not what it used to be, because I can't open up and feel comfortable letting go anymore. I'm feeling very self-conscious and self-judgmental. Need your advice, guys. Thanks.
 
Hi Nautilus, and welcome.

Firstly there really aren't enough details here to give the best advice, but I'll take a stab at it.

It sounds to me as if your body is doing what you mind cannot. For most of us, dealing with polyamory seems to be a very emotional and mental thing. How much emotional and mental processing have you done? If the answer is not much, then there is your answer. You need to.

Respect what your body it is telling you-- you need to open up your head and your heart.

It could take years before a person is ready to be confronted with their partner having sex with someone else in front of them. You could very well be in shock.

Your feelings are valid. Don't be afraid to look at them, even if they are poly negative. If you don't feel safe sharing your feelings with your partner, try them out here first.
 
I agree with Sage. Your feelings are valid and okay to have. Now you need to work through the "why" you're having them.

I told my partner that right here, right now, I don't think I'm ready to watch him make love to another woman. We've discussed threesomes. I said yes, but the other woman needs to be someone he doesn't love. Sex is one thing, but making love is different. He understands that and is respecting my feelings.

Then the compersion comes in. I get that. I know his making love to other women (like his wife) doesn't change his love for me, but I'm just not ready to actually watch it, and don't know if I ever will be!
 
nautilus said:
Shared my partner with another woman, my body rejecting intimacy with him now. Help! Why?

After watching him have sex with someone else, something has changed. He keeps reminding me how much he loves me, but my body is not catching up with that fact and it ends up rejecting him. Our sex is not what it used to be because I can't open up and feel comfortable letting go anymore. Feeling very self-conscious and self-judgmental.
Click to expand...

How long have you been struggling with these feelings? Have you and your partner talked about it much?
 
We have spoken. He is so patient and wonderful about talking about it.

I think you were right, Sage, in saying that I might be in shock. It was quite jarring seeing their intimacy together apart from me, but his reassurance that I could never be replaced is helpful. Any breathing exercises or practices that calm the mind when the jealousy crisis hits would be so helpful.
 
One of the interesting things about polyamory versus standard monogamy is that there is no "stealing" someone away. In standard monogamy, if your SO met someone "better" you would have to worry about losing them.

But in polyamory, there is no need to steal. The only reason for them to leave you is if you two are no longer working out. It is independent of any other relationship.

There are always caveats and disclaimers, but I tend to see this as a general rule for me.
 
nautilus said:
We have spoken. He is so patient and wonderful about talking about it. I think you were right, Sage, in saying that I may be in shock. It was quite jarring seeing their intimacy together apart from me, but his reassurance that I could never be replaced is helpful. Any breathing exercises or practices that calm the mind when the jealousy crisis hits would be so helpful.
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I've always found the traditional "In through the nose, out through the mouth, repeat..." to help in any situation. When I see my husband with one of his girlfriends I tend to think about how beautiful they look together. (I'm an artist with a bad habit of not knocking on the bedroom door.) Still, with about 30% of my work done in the home, it's a bit breath-taking to go from numbers and schedules to "OMG THERE'S SEX ON MY BED!!!" when I open my door...

You may very well BE in shock. You both may have thought that what you wanted was what you were ready for. But if you were wrong, no one's at fault. If you're already having dialogue with your SO, you are doing well. Keep that open. If your lover is as understanding as you say, then give him a chance to help you.

Communication is key! Don't leave him in the dark about anything, if he's supportive. Supportive people are sensitive and he'll sense you holding back but not know why, and we all know where that leads.
 
sage said:
It could take years before a person is ready to be confronted with their partner having sex with someone else in front of them. You could very well be in shock.

Your feelings are valid. Don't be afraid to look at them, even if they are poly-negative.
Click to expand...

While I agree with the first sentence, Sage, in that she could be in shock... I find that there is a tone of "you aren't poly unless you can pull off watching your partner have sex with someone else" in the rest of what you say, especially in the second sentence where you say that her feelings are poly-negative.

How is having a negative reaction to watching your partner have sex with another "poly negative?" What is "poly negative" anyway? (Actually, don't answer that, as I think it might be thread-worthy.) How is having strong feelings of this nature "negative" in any way?

Nautilus, I see no reason why you need to be watching your partner have sex with others. If it didn't jive with you, then don't do it. Chalk this one up to experience and move on.

I personally am completely uninterested in watching any of my partners have sex with others. I have been in threesomes with my husband, PN, and our (former) shared partner, where I have watched. I didn't mind that, but I don't want to see him with a woman again. I don't want to watch my current gf Derby with her husband, or anyone else. I don't want to watch my current bf Mono with anyone, either. (Well, it would be a whole other ball game with him, but that's off-topic.)

I'm sorry this has caused you pain. I can relate entirely. I don't see anything wrong with how you feel. I am getting anxious just thinking about the times I have watched PN at swingers events. I have a cold sweat now. Yup, I get it...

It's not jealousy for me. In my experience, it's complete horror, I think because I know how sacred an act PN sees sex as now, and how bonding it is for him and me. Neither of us are into casual sex, and we learned this from experiences such as yours. It paralyzed me for a time. Yes, I think that was shock. It did him, in his own way. So now we just don't do those things anymore. Those feelings subsided and have gone, unless I get triggered, like I was from your post. We are better for having gone there, but are really glad to have figured that all out and moved on.

Perhaps something that happened around this event that caused this reaction. Perhaps your body is sending you as message about your nature and how you feel about sex. Perhaps you felt obliged in some way to watch, or to allow this threesome situation to occur, when you normally would have spoken up?

There could be many reasons to talk about this with your partner. I think you should explore every single one, even if you think that they might not agree or appreciate what you have to say. It sounds like it's very important to get to the bottom of what is going on for you before moving forward to more adventures in opening your relationship.
 
Eeek, Redpepper, you have gotten me completely wrong here. I was trying not to put any prejudice on voyeurism, if that's what you're into. Remember there was very little background given in the original post.

"Poly-negative" feelings: I thought the fact that she was having a physical rather than emotional response might be because she felt that she had been included, and her partner was reassuring that she didn't feel able to share any negatives that she was feeling about the whole thing.

In no way do I think that watching other's intimate sexual acts is necessary, always wonderful, or everyone's cup of tea. I hope that clarifies.
 
sage said:
Redpepper, you have gotten me completely wrong here. I was trying not to put any prejudice on voyeurism, if that's what you're into. Remember, there was very little background given in the original post.

"Poly-negative" feelings: I thought the fact that she was having a physical rather than emotional response might be because she felt that she had been included, and her partner was reassuring that she didn't feel able to share any negatives that she was feeling about the whole thing.

In no way do I think that watching other's intimate sexual acts is necessary, always wonderful, or everyone's cup of tea. I hope that clarifies.
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Yes, thank you, it does. :)

It made me think, though (thank you for that, too), so much, that I started a thread about it:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=41313#post41313
 
nautilus said:
I shared my partner with another woman, and now my body is rejecting intimacy with him.
Click to expand...

I figured I'd chime in on here, as I have also experienced this shutting down of my body with Redpepper, especially earlier in our relationship. I can recreate it almost at will, as sad as that might sound. The difference for me is it is not actually seeing her with someone else, but even imagining her with someone else. I believe the effects are similar, so I'll share my thoughts.

This comes down to two words for me: connection and energy. My thought is that the shock of seeing your partner with another has damaged your connection. It's that connection that enables the flow of energy between you and your partner to be healthy and free flowing. That stream of energy includes friendship emotions, romantic love emotions and a desire to share yourself sexually.

I've found, through experience, that my ability to have sex with a person I love is dependent on much higher criteria than sex with a complete stranger. There is an expectation beyond physical rewards when having sex with some one I love. To me, it is a spiritual connection, where energy transfer is the true pleasure and driving motivation. When I don't feel that free-flowing energy, I know there is something wrong; that I am disconnected and I feel as though I don't deserve to sexually express affection to her because I am not feeling that kind of love for her in that moment.

I found having casual sex with someone I don't love to be very difficult. And having sex with someone I love, but am not feeling connected to, is virtually impossible. I become impotent in those moments.

My energy ends up being contained within myself, almost like the image of a completely full glass of water that rises above the rim. To release that flow, you have to break the surface tension. This is what Redpepper and I have had to do in the past. It really requires me to open up and tell her what I am feeling. Sometimes I just get her to put her hand over my chest and I visualize the flow of energy slowly trickling into her hand as I breathe.

I'm not sure any of this helps. It is definitely based on how I work, so it might not have a drop of relevance. Regardless, I hope you are doing better and can start enjoying your partner completely again.
 
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