Walking a new path...

I hate this. I hate the fucking up and down emotional roller coaster.

I had plans for tonight. I had a great chat with Pengrah about her relationship with Wellington. So, as I was getting ready to leave, I texted her with, "Are you available if he needs you?"

I was okay. I was comfortable in knowing that he had somewhere to turn if he needed it.

Later, on my way home, I was full of tears. I had fun where I was, but it was like having cookies. They taste good but are not very nourishing.

I wanted poly because I needed/wanted more. Now my dh has someone he's crushing on, and while he's with me, he's WITH me. But I have less, because how much of his time is spent thinking about her, looking forward to being with her... y'know, all that wonderful NRE stuff? But I don't have it.

And then there's the issue that left me feeling so horrible on Sunday night/Monday morning. That issue continues to leave me feeling stigmatized and less than. I don't know how to move past it.

For 3 days now, I've had nothing but heavy, intense conversations, and very few fun, light, friendly conversations. And I watch everyone around me having those.

So to sum it up, right now--

1. I feel stigmatized and don't know how to get past that.
2. I am slightly lonely, because not only do I not have another partner, I don't have my husband's full attention either.
3. I need fun, from those who matter to me most, and I'm not getting it.

UGH
 
It'll get better, MBG!
 
I'm feeling "off" today. I had an amazing experience with dh and our play date last night. Then we all tumbled into bed and I misunderstood something. There was a lack of communication and I felt once again left out.

Woke up this morning, had a conversation with him about it, and we cleared it up, sorta. His perceptions are different than my perceptions, so...

BLAH

I realized today that I met him 13 years ago. He was with his common-law wife of 12-ish years at that time. We got together in Feb of 1998. 2 weeks after we got together, he left his wife for the woman he was sleeping with-- ME. Now he's 12 1/2 years into a relationship with me (married 11 tomorrow) and I wonder, does the TIMING of all this have anything to do with my inability to handle this well?

Ah well, I'm not losing my mind today. And I managed to express my discomfort with something in a healthy way, although he took it defensively. *sigh* Gotta love texting as a way of communication.

Tonight is girls' night out. Tomorrow is my anniversary. My mom is coming to hang out with us, and my daughter will be here on Sunday. Sunday night I'm supposed to go see Terri Clark in concert. Overall, a REALLY great weekend is starting in 10 minutes, when my friend picks me up for lunch.
 
Today is our 11th anniversary.

I woke up from a horrific dream where my husband and I had travelled a long distance with our children to visit his family and long-time friends. I thought everything was going great, when they all went into a meeting. When they came out, hubby took me aside and said, "This is what's wrong with you. Please change this. I love you and will help you change."

I broke down in tears, crying that I hated this place, I wanted to go home. He stroked my head and held me and said VERY lovingly, "I know you do, hun. Just make the changes and you'll be happy again."

NOT a good dream.

We had a HUGE fight last night, although by the end of it, I realized that the fights are shorter, and resolved quicker. If nothing else good comes out of this journey, our communication skills are becoming phenomenal, and that will only serve to strengthen us and our marriage.

Get the fight done. We're both okay at the end of it. I go out and get rather drunk. (I was a planned night out with a friend, including the getting drunk part. LOL) I get home and we have a REALLY good conversation. He tells me that the girl we play with casually, he doesn't want to do anything beyond BDSM play with her I'm in agreeance. Now we just have to find a way to tell her. It really has nothing to do with her. We'd like to still be friends. We enjoy her company.

I asked for a couple things regarding the relationship he's got going on. It was probably not the best time to ask, but it was on my mind and I needed to get it out. We'll discuss it further, as my questions were general, and I need to get some specifics nailed down. But not today. :) And I'm pretty freaking okay with that. Normally I would be pushing for conversation NOW, because its swirling around in my head. But I'm good with that.

We have a full day planned, shopping, farmers market, and my mom will be here later. I wanted to take the boys somewhere for fun hiking/climbing stuff. But as I just watched dh take his pain meds (he has Tramacet for when his pain days are REALLY bad) I realized if I want to spend the day with dh, I will have to forgo that. We'll find something fun to do at home, I think. :)

Everything is good. It's great. I feel incredibly connected to my husband. I am just really happy today.
 
Oh wow, MBG, I am so glad you are making some progress with W! For some reason I thought you were going camping with Ari and Repepper et al.

I'm glad you and he had some time with your friend, and had energy and clarity enough for some good talks, as well.
 
I was invited to camping, and if it were just about any other weekend but this one we probably would have gone.

Sometime in the next couple of days we are going to have a conversation about what poly means to us, how we want it to look, and find the boundaries that we're comfortable with.

I am in a weird sort of space. I think about dating and I wonder how I'll have the energy. Or time. And really... why? I'd have to get used to someone else's quirks, their personality...

It's a really good day for me. I put myself out there on OK Cupid last night. I'll see if I make any connections. If I do, I'll see where they lead. But if I don't, for now, today, I'm okay with that.
 
I meant to relate a story of something that happened on Thursday night. I was catching a ride from work to home with a friend, so my usual ride left without me. She was running late, so I arranged to meet Ari for a drink before she got there. I got my co-workers to drive me over.

We pulled in and they asked me who I was meeting. I told them and they jokingly said, "Ohh, stepping out on your husband, eh?"

I said, "No, actually, my husband is sleeping with his wife."

'WHAT??!?!?!?"

I clarified, "Well, actually they're not sleeping together yet, but they are seeing each other."

OMG... I laughed SO hard when I got out of the car. It was FUN. :D

There's a saying, "Don't scare the vanillas." Well, I couldn't help but scare them, just a little. ;)
 
"Comfort the disturbed
Disturb the comfortable"

That's my motto!
 
Karma and I get great pleasure from taking people out their box. It's a favored pastime of ours. I love watching faces as they put the pieces together.
 
Majikdancer said:
Magdlyn said:
"Comfort the disturbed
Disturb the comfortable"
Click to expand...

I love that. Who said it? Can I use it?
Click to expand...

I didnt know who said it, and had to look it up. It was the title of a 1997 book. A version first appeared 100 yrs ago, in a newspaper article, as, "comfort the afflicted, afflict the comfortable."

I guess it's up for grabs! Go for it.
 
My dog escaped our yard last night sometime between 1.00 am and 6.30 am. We had put him out for his evening and then he went after a skunk. Skunk vs dog, skunk wins every time. It was late, so the decision was made to leave him out for the evening. I got a phone call at 6.30 am from my neighbour. He had escaped.

W went and got him and came back MAD. That's it. He's DONE with the damn dog escaping and doing stuff (that dogs do). He is seriously contemplating re-homing him.

And that's when I realized where a major source of my stress comes from. I told him I needed him to NOT threaten to get rid of the dog every time the dog did something annoyingly dog-like. The dog can't help it. He is just behaving the way he is supposed to. He can't control his instincts.

For a long time in our marriage, we were really volatile. The word divorce was yelled by both parties. There was a very real threat of ending it because the other was pissed off and didn't want to deal with the behaviour, attitude, fighting, whathaveyou anymore. It stopped 2 years ago when he broke me. We had been building an amazing wonderful D/s relationship. And then he threw that word at me again. I had opened myself up to him in ways that I didn't realize I could, and then he threatened to leave me once again.

At that point, I told him that if the word was thrown out there, we'd better be prepared for it, because *I* would make it happen. End of story. My children are not going to grow up wondering if their parents are going to work through shit, or if they're going to separate, or what.

We have done a lot of work on our relationship and ourselves in the past 2 years. Regardless of the volatility of our relationship, we've always come back together and are closer each time. We both brought baggage and issues to our marriage, but the last two years have been awesome/amazing.

Since W started seeing Pengrah, I have lost my mind. I don't know how to handle these emotions (although I'm getting much better). There have been a LOT of drama/stress-filled days, and aside from this weekend, not much contentment and peace.

I have been getting amazing support from people on here, from other sites, and from W. But I can't help but freak out. What if I piss him off enough dealing with this that "he's done," and wants to get rid of the problem?

I realized that I had been doing the same to him. More than a few times I'd asked him, "What if I can't handle it and ask you to end it with her?" He kept reassuring me that he would. But I realized that it's not what *I* want. I enjoy (when I'm not totally insane about it) the smiles and giggles and great energy he gets from talking to Pengrah. I enjoy his connection with her because the energy spills over to me. We've had a PHENOMENAL connection when I'm not fucking it up and losing my mind. But my emotions have been out of control-- I feel like no one will ever want me.

Everyone I have met recently that I have been interested in has NOT been interested in me/us, or interested in my husband only.

I work full time. I put priority on family time. I have other things that I need/want to do, as well. When the fuck am I going to have time to date?

So, due to my own insecurity about myself, and my ability to attract a potential partner, I have threatened his blossoming relationship, and that's not fair to him OR her.

Some very good things have come out of the past weekend. We're both on board with the idea that we don't want casual relationships. Friendships, yes, but for both of us, we're the long-term sort, and sex is kinda tied up in that.

It's been said on these boards a number of times-- go at the pace of the person having the most difficulty. So with great trepidation, I made some requests that will slow things down on their end. I feel *somewhat* bad about it, but really, I know W would end it if I asked. And if Pengrah isn't okay with the slow down, that tells me that she wouldn't respect our relationship. (As an aside, I totally think she'd be on board with it. She's a very lovely woman.) But I need things to slow down. I need there to be some boundaries and "rules" until *I* am comfortable. They need to be there. I don't want/can't have a repeat of last week. I need the rollercoaster to stop.

It's getting better. I made it through the weekend with minimal stress. Most of it manifests itself in panic attacks and an upset tummy, but that's been going away quickly.

It's an interesting journey, and one I am glad I'm on. I just hate the rollercoaster.
 
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Thanks for posting all of this. I think that you are very brave for doing so. I can understand your trepidation regarding my being "done" with the dog and how that might translate to you. I will work on making my venting a little less spontaneous and a whole lot more thoughtful. (I'll try, lol. Darn red-headedness, anyways.)

I am here for you always, my love. I will keep reminding you of that every day of my life. I am sorry that you are having so much difficulty. I love you and I will keep reminding you of that every day of my life, as well. I am not going anywhere. Sorry, Babygirl, you're stuck with me. ;)
 
Karma and I went through a very recent bout of, "What if you get sick of waiting and leave?" It was honestly what helped me finally say, okay, we can start moving forward again. He's been so understanding and supportive, even when I had no clue why I was upset. I still don't know why. But I realized as I looked back at the last 8 yrs, he could have had a much easier go at life had he left, and he didn't. So why would he leave when I am trying to give him what he wants and needs?

I'd suggest taking a deep breath, and trying hard not to dwell (I drove myself into a nasty depression doing that). Keep talking. I'm sure I sounded like a broken record to Karma, but I kept trying to say the same thing in a different way until he got it.

And (not saying he doesn't, not saying he does) there comes a time when you have to leave it for your spouse to prove. Karma doing what he said he was going to do made a HUGE difference in how I responded to things and how quickly I came around. I dwell on things for years. But having the trust in knowing he heard me, acknowledged my needs and is now doing what I asked made all the difference.

Good luck. Maybe the dog ran away for a "reason." I love finding those things placed in our path that gives us that "Ah ha" moment.
 
You know when you lance a boil, and everything that comes out is disgusting and toxic and awful, but then its able to heal?

That's how it feels every time I have one of my *moments.* All the toxicity, all the poison, is able to come out, the protective cover that allows it to fester has been removed, and then I'm able to heal.

I am so very grateful that he supports me in that, but I am so very sorry about what it costs him. :(

We are heading in a good direction. I just need to heal more.
 
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