Am I getting better or worse? (cheating wife)

DazednConfused said:
After our blowup Thursday, she got how very close she is to being without me, or so she says. I'm just heartbroken. I'm trying to quit smoking. Kinda hating life.
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Hang in there. It sounds like you may be moving towards the light with your relationship. Good for you quitting smoking. Been there, done that!

Peace and love,
Mono
 
I'm so glad you put your foot down, Dazed. It's a good step towards taking care of yourself. You were pushed beyond your limits.
 
Wait a minute here. It seems to me she was a booty call all along, no? She just thought he loved her before now. I always thought that was bullshit, personally.
 
I know you don't like seeing her hurt. But all you can do right now is be there for her, to pick up the pieces when it falls apart. And that doesn't sound too far off.
 
Wait a minute here. It seems to me she was a booty call all along, no? She just thought he loved her before now. I always thought that was bullshit.
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Yes, I certainly think it was a booty call all along. She's just growing to understand it. It's weird. While nothing has really changed, after I snapped, I feel a bit better, like I know if she continues to behave this way, it will be easier for me to separate my heart.

Hang in there. What resolution of this situation will unbreak your heart?
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LoveWarrior, that's an awesome query-- what would it take to unbreak my heart?

Besides monogamy, if she could just swing, or if she handled her poly better, that would help.

We've always talked about everything, shared everything. Since she started this, it's like she's living 2 lives, and excluding me completely from one. If I didn't feel like she was hiding/being greedy/selfish...whatever it is, if emotionally it wasn't costing us our 'closeness?' that might help.

I know you don't like seeing her hurt. But all you can do right now is be there for her, pick up the pieces. That that doesn't sound too far off.
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It is happening already.
 
DazednConfused said:
If she could just swing, or if she handled her poly better, that would help. We've always talked about everything, shared everything, and since she started this, it's like she's living 2 lives, and excluding me completely from one. If I didn't feel like she was hiding/being greedy/selfish...whatever it is, if emotionally it wasn't costing us our 'closeness?' that might help.
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Have you expressed this to her? Do you feel safe enough to right now?

I know that being a mono with a poly is working for me because I DO feel that my gf is present, open, close to me, sharing with me. I never feel that I am shut out from any part of her life. I could not imagine feeling that my wife had shut me out. I can understand the heartbreak.

Keep standing up for yourself. Be as clear and consistent about your needs as possible and communicate them. Nora being better at her poly may require that you lead by showing her how you need her to be to have her poly work for YOU.
 
As a poly person, I have moments of separateness, when I'm alone with one love or another. I spend two nights a week with Mono. I live a separate life there. The difference is in how I treat my loves. I am present when I am with them, and if they call, I am present in that moment too. When we are together, I am present with them as a group. They all know each other and respect each other because we have been on a journey together whereby everyone has been respected. It has created safety and reassurance for them, I think, that no one of us will disrespect their needs. Everyone is looked after/taken care of (very East Coast Canada way of saying it) by the other.

I think, in an ideal world, it would be better to study the theory of poly long before actively being poly. Hopefully this site helps with that. Nora, bless her heart, fell for someone before really knowing what she was doing and how to create what she wanted and perhaps needed. It's unfortunate, as you, Dazed, have had to bear the brunt of her ignorance. It doesn't make her bad, but she has a lot of things to learn, and a lot of things to correct. It's going to be a huge undertaking, now that she has cheated, to achieve her goal, if, in fact, it is polyamory she seeks.

I hope she stays humble on that journey, is patient and allows a long time to heal herself, and respects that you need healing, too. As I said before, when I went through a similar situation, it took years for me to regain a friendship with my ex-wife. I have become a changed person because of that journey. It was worth every struggling moment.
 
After having been poly for over a decade, I am continually shocked at how many people neglect their primaries while in NRE with a secondary! I think the first rule of poly is full and open communication, but rule 2 is, DO NOT neglect your primary when you're in the throes of a new relationship.

I find this easy to do, but maybe it's just me. Maybe having 3 kids and always striving to make space for the older kids when the new baby came along helped me develop this skill. For me, each time I meet a new person (and god, I've met a lot since meeting my darling gf) just makes me love her more when I come home to her. I guess it also helps that she's always so excited to hear all about my dates-- she's awfully good at compersion, having been poly all her life.

But gosh, how many male poly friends of mine have told me their wife/primary completely neglects his needs for intimacy and sex when she's full of NRE for her new lover. It makes me sick, really.
 
In case my previous post sounded arrogant and boastful, I guess I should add that my gf and I have only been together 20 months. So, while what we have isnt still NRE, it's close. What I heard Mono call, extended NRE. So, putting my interest in someone else ahead of my interest in her, it just aint gonna happen.

I'm sure this could be different if you were with your primary for several years or decades! But still, it's unacceptable to me.
 
In case my previous post sounded arrogant and boastful,
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Sounds more like blessed to me.

Yesterday I told my wife that I feel like we are nothing more than fuck buddies. She was sincerely, and maybe justifiably, offended by this. I'm just trying to find a way to understand our relationship better, so it hurts less when she tells me she's got a date with this *insert expletive*

I'm still crying myself to sleep most nights. She keeps dropping not-so subtle hints about how we got into the day-to-day of life and neglected our romance. How the hell am I supposed to rekindle anything? We are certainly being more affectionate, but the only way I can come close to enjoying it is by completely shutting my mind off.

I do feel bad for her. She fell for a real creep, but he was pretty upfront with her from the get-go. I'm not placing blame. They're both stupid about the whole thing. I'm just trying my best to enjoy the time I do get with her, and accept her as a friend so I can talk about her "not-so love-life."

I feel like I'm grieving the loss of my marriage, and it really sucks.
 
Maybe because she has been treating you like a roommate with benefits instead of like a wife.
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Well, yeah, there is that.

They have a concert date tonight. Carpooling from the strip bar. I know it's stupid, but it just adds insult to injury.
1. I'm too embarrassed to go back there (and the girls are HOT).
2. Seriously, like, the dick's not enough for the night, she's gotta go spend our money on women?

:( This isn't getting any easier. I keep trying to fake that it is, but it's not. When will I stop caring?
 
ARGH. The one thing I was looking forward to all day, working out some frustrations, and she forgets to leave me the gym key. Priorities? Too excited for her night? God, I'm pissed.
 
Motherfucker!

May I ask how old you all are? She just seems to be so self-centered and acting in such an immature, short-sighted manner.
 
Ah, Saturn return, perhaps. That is exactly the age when I had my crap with my ex-wife. She was in her mid 20s and PN was 21. Shit, that was a long time ago.
 
ARGH. Well, I just suck. She had a good time last night.

I brought home food. I went out to drink while Nora was out. I still can't be at home. We ate, went to bed.

The nasty thoughts started in my head, and I moved to the couch.

First thing this morning, I was on the attack, and it just sucks. I'm just spewing as little venom as I can. How can I love someone this much, and continue to allow myself to hurt her?

We're all going to Lawn Fete tomorrow, me, Nora, Nick, Maya. Ugh.

Saturday he has a stag. I'm confident he'll call my wife when he's all staggy. So now I feel like my whole weekend is screwed.

And with all the other stuff, sick mom, job troubles, I know I'm being a raving, unkind bitch.
 
After lots of talking today, I think Nora has reached her breaking point and is giving up on us. It's been a long time since I've been dumped.
 
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