My Partner Won’t Tell Me About Her Sex with Other Partner

B

Bibble

New member
I’m a 21 year old male in a non-monogamous relationship with a 22 year old woman. We’ve been living together for more than 8 months and we’re in love. We both willingly decided to be non-monogamous when we started seeing each other, and we are each other’s primary partner. This is my first serious non-monogamous relationship, and my partner has been a major help in my overcoming certain insecurities and anxieties that make non-monogamy a challenge.
While we have a pretty solid communication system regarding our non-monogamous affairs, my partner has a specific boundary that I sometimes struggle with. She does not like to share the details of intercourse that she has with other people. Her reasoning is that it’s an intimate moment that she shared with somebody, and I understand and respect that. However, I’ve noticed that this is a very uncommon boundary for a polyamorous person to have. Additionally, I have struggled with this boundary on occasion, because knowing the details of her other sexual encounters sets my anxious mind at ease. I try not to feed this anxious mind, but I still wonder if I should be concerned about this boundary of hers, since it resembles secrecy.
I find this especially odd because my partner has told me details of previous sexual encounters, from before we met, but is unwilling to tell me anything about sex that she’s had since we met.

Is this normal? Should I be concerned? Should I ask her to budge more, or should I just try harder to respect this specific boundary?
 
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The business about being "common" or "uncommon" has little to do with any two people in a relationship.

You seem to be using this as leverage, as argumentum ad populum, to pry entry into their bedroom.

It "sets my anxious mind at ease" when they have no privacy, sure. And who doesn't want spectators in the bedroom? CCTV anyone? Or live seats?

There's no problem with making them into performers. You just need a tip jar. Don't be a cheapskate here: it's $20 at the door to start and drinks for everyone. This is like a private booth in the back, it's going to be hundreds. Everyone is happy then. They have your money, and you've seen every second.

I do hope this spoof gets the point across, lol.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

She does not like to share the details of intercourse that she has with other people. Her reasoning is that it’s an intimate moment that she shared with somebody, and I understand and respect that.
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So why not leave it alone since you understand and respect that? :confused:

However, I’ve noticed that this is a very uncommon boundary for a polyamorous person to have.
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Not to me if I were in those shoes. That information would be between (me and X.) I can't in good faith go blabbing about it to partner Y without obtaining consent from X. It is not only my information.

It is one thing to tell you that when I shared sex with X, birth control was used, that I am practicing safer sex. So that when you share sex with ME, you know what you are getting into. Things that you should know to maintain your own sex health hygiene.

Telling you details, preferences about sexual encounters? That's is TMI.

Additionally, I have struggled with this boundary on occasion, because knowing the details of her other sexual encounters sets my anxious mind at ease.
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How does it set your mind at ease? Or solve your anxiety about ____? If you can explain how and articulate what the anxiety is about, then perhaps reassurance or peace of mind can be achieved in a different way. Then you and her can talk about that.

Galagirl
 
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Bibble said:
I’m a 21 year old male in a non-monogamous relationship with a 22 year old woman. We’ve been living together for more than 8 months and we’re in love. We both willingly decided to be non-monogamous when we started seeing each other, and we are each other’s primary partner. This is my first serious non-monogamous relationship, and my partner has been a major help in my overcoming certain insecurities and anxieties that make non-monogamy a challenge.
While we have a pretty solid communication system regarding our non-monogamous affairs, my partner has a specific boundary that I sometimes struggle with. She does not like to share the details of intercourse that she has with other people. Her reasoning is that it’s an intimate moment that she shared with somebody, and I understand and respect that. However, I’ve noticed that this is a very uncommon boundary for a polyamorous person to have. Additionally, I have struggled with this boundary on occasion, because knowing the details of her other sexual encounters sets my anxious mind at ease. I try not to feed this anxious mind, but I still wonder if I should be concerned about this boundary of hers, since it resembles secrecy.
I find this especially odd because my partner has told me details of previous sexual encounters, from before we met, but is unwilling to tell me anything about sex that she’s had since we met.

Is this normal? Should I be concerned? Should I ask her to budge more, or should I just try harder to respect this specific boundary?
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It's a very common boundary. Telling someone about an ex is different. Would you like her to tell her other partners intimate details about your sex life? How long you lasted, what noises you made, your favourite positions?
 
Bibble, you are going to be hard-pressed to find anyone on here who thinks your desire for that information is reasonable. I don't know where you got the idea that this is an uncommon "boundary" in poly. Swinging, maybe; but I'm not sure.

It seems as if you don't consider your girlfriend's other partners to be anything other than sexual playthings. That is very disrespectful.

Good luck.
 
What powerpuff said...

It would be an invasion of privacy and trust for your girlfriend to share the private details of her other relationship with you. Her other partner deserves privacy. What is between them is between them what is between you two is between you two.
 
What your companion is doing in the bedroom with others seems to me to be a realm in which she should be allowed her privacy -- unless your concern is for your health (STDs / STIs). And in the case of STDs, her only obligation to you is to ensure you that she's keeping your safetly in mind in her practices, not exposing you to unwanted potential pathogens.

If she doesn't want to discuss her sex life with others, why not simply respect that?
 
Hello Bibble,

In poly, it's pretty common to not share (with the primary partner) details about sex (with a secondary partner). Common and, I would say, normal. I don't think there's anything for you to be concerned about here. Sometimes swingers share details with each other, but even then it's done with the consent of the partner who is sharing. And even if your partner did consent, her secondary partner would have to consent as well.

My suggestion would be to try and analyze what causes you to have an anxious mind, and then to consider alternative ways to set it at ease. In so doing, you would avoid the breach of privacy the information you want would constitute. Anyway that is my take on the situation.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
No, you don't have a right to know what goes on intimately between other people. If you want voyeurism, there are clubs for that. But the metamour is not obligated to oblige you.
 
Hi Bibble and Welcome to the Forum!

Despite the strong responses you have received here on this forum, the conclusions that you have surmised regarding boundaries surrounding sexual privacy are actually somewhat understandable if you have spent some time reading about polyamory. Two of the most well regarded and recommended books on polyamory, "Opening Up" (Tristan Taormino) and "The Ethical Slut" (Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy) both discuss this issue as a potential benefit to polyamory (particularly in the hierarchical model, as is common when an established mono couple is transitioning to poly) - that is, the sexual energy created with a secondary partner feeding back to the primary relationship, a situation which may include sharing "blow by blow" accounts of the sexual encounters with the secondary. Both of these texts, however, conclude that it is ultimately up to the primary couple involved to negotiate what works best for them.

That said, I would agree with the general consensus that your girl friend's boundary is perfectly fine, especially if that is what was agreed on going into a poly relationship. If you had real concerns about that boundary, the time to have addressed it would have been then. If a consensus could not be reached, you would then have to decide whether to enter a polyamorous relationship at all, or possibly whether to remain together as a couple if no consensus could be reached on whether to have an open relationship.

Of course, agreements can always be revisited - with these very same options.

An important ethical point has also been made that the sharing of details may also impinge on the privacy of her other lovers - which is also a very valid concern that should be considered even when both primary partners have agreed to share details. Some of the "other partners" may object - others will not care at all. But, in fairness to them, they should give their consent as well.

When my wife asked me to transition our marriage to poly a couple of years ago so she could explore her resurgent feelings for an old college boyfriend, I ultimately agreed after much processing. However in regard to her having sex with him (especially since I did not have another partner in the beginning), to safeguard my own sense of security, I insisted that we have sex the night before and immediately after she had sex with him (as soon after as reasonable), and that she answer any questions about details that I asked. This was agreed on up front - and her boyfriend consented up front, he had no issue at all with her sharing details if I asked. (Now, two years later, I have partners, we are full on kitchen table poly with her boyfriend - who has stayed in our guest room several times, so security is barely an issue at all, although we still share some details just for spice. So, whatever you work out together, give it some time. If you are suited for poly and put in the effort, this issue will become much less of a concern.)

Just a few thoughts for a slightly different perspective.

Al
 
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Al99 said:
However in regard to her having sex with him (especially since I did not have another partner in the beginning), to safeguard my own sense of security, I insisted that we have sex the night before and immediately after she had sex with him (as soon after as reasonable), and that she answer any questions about details that I asked.
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This sounds kinda gross to me, but if it worked and everyone consented... well, people can agree to anything. That is much more a thing in the realm of hotwifing, where they talk about "reclaiming" sex. It always made me uncomfortable because it feels like a dog marking its territory.

radicaljd said:
You can find spycams hidden in clock radios, etc. That's always an option. :)
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Please tell me this is a joke. Because if not, what a horrible invasion of privacy.
 
This sounds kinda gross to me, but if it worked and everyone consented... well, people can agree to anything. That is much more a thing in the realm of hotwifing, where they talk about "reclaiming" sex. It always made me uncomfortable because it feels like a dog marking its territory.
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I gained a general overview of the hotwifing fetish during my general study of CNM. And while certainly "to each his own" (your kink is not my kink, but your kink is ok), the sex we had afterward was much more about "re-connection" than "reclamation" - and, if fact, re-connection sex is often recommended in the literature, especially for those in heirarchical situations (such as mono marriages that have transitioned to poly). But, in fairness, in the beginning it did have to do with my security - not so much about "marking territory" as about reassurance that all was still ok (back in the beginning when the idea of my wife having sex with another man was quite unsettling. Two years in, it's more like "go have a good time" - I can catch up on my reading).

Sexually, it was definitely not about me being excited at the thought of her being with another man (a hallmark of hotwifing - but as noted above, that was a real struggle in the beginning) - and there were certainly no sloppy seconds and creampies involved (shower in between, thank you). It really turned out to be more of a turn-on for Becky, who loves the idea that she gets two men in the same evening. So, she gets real turned on by it - and it's great sex for all . Really, she would be very up for an MFM threesome, but it couldn't be with her boyfriend, Ben - would be way too awkward. But, I might consent for a one time special occasion (milestone birthday or such) with a "vetted swinger" perhaps - just so that she could have the experience. I was fortunate to experience an FMF threesome back in the day, so although it was not with Becky, I would hate to deprive her of an experience that I got to enjoy.

Anyway - just a couple of clarifying thoughts. Al
 
I have a husband & a boyfriend. I might advise them if I've been intimate with the other on a given day but details are not shared. To me sharing that info is a bit skeezy. It's private to each relationship as the intimacy is different with each. Everyone is in the know & consents to the relationships. Beyond safer sex practices there is no need for details.
 
Telling Details

I have to admit that while I understand and see the logic in the dominant view that partners should not share sex details, performance and preferences etc. There feels like (and not just in this thread) a bit of a snobby undertone towards those like the original poster who are curious and interested in the details.

It feels like many are saying that even if consent is there among all 3 people it is still "not proper poly" to even think about doing this. Its something that maybe swingers do or whatever but not us poly purists. Additionally as one person did point out, Ethical Slut and More than 2 both clearly highlight one of the strategies of dealing with jealously is to simply reframe it and have your partner come back home and show you all the skills he/she might have learned or experienced. Or merely sharing the spicey details (with consent) as both a way to avoid feeling of secrets being kept and to enhance their sex life.

I found it odd that someone said (and Ive seen this in many other discussions) that its different if we are talking about sharing details about past partners but that its not ok for current partners. That seems to imply a rather large double standard, as its safe to assume that in many cases such as the original posters, getting consent from ex partners prior to the poly relationship is a lot less likely than getting it from current partners. So why is it ok to tell spicy details about an ex but not current secondary partner?
 
I don't think anyone's saying that "poly purists" don't share sexual details. The OP stated that they're under the impression that it's uncommon for poly folk to *refuse* to share those details, and others in this thread are refuting that assumption. Sharing sexual details does seem to be more common amongst swingers and those with "hotwife" or cuckold/cuckquean interests than amongst people who are in polyamorous relationships. That doesn't mean it "isn't poly" to share details, just that it is *not* uncommon to *not* share details.

Personally, I don't share details with any of my partners about any of my other partners--past or present--without getting explicit consent from everyone involved. That includes getting consent from the person I'm talking about as well as the person I'm talking to, because the person I'm talking to might not actually want to know. (My partners don't ask me about sex with other partners, beyond "Is your relationship at the point yet where it's happening" and "Are you practicing safer sex.") I have chosen to cut ties with potential partners when they've asked what I considered invasive questions about my sex life with my husband and/or my boyfriend; my sex life is MY sex life, and the only one besides me who needs to know the details of any given relationship is the other person *in* that relationship.

Likewise, I don't want any details about my partners' sex lives with others, and stopped seeing one person because he insisted on giving me details after I had expressly asked him not to. My husband doesn't have other partners; with my boyfriend, all I want to know is "is sex a thing between you and her" and "are you practicing safer sex." Any other partners I have, it depends on how we've identified the relationship; if it's friends-with-benefits, I don't need or especially want to know *any* information about their sex lives with other people, whereas if it's a romantic relationship (which I define loosely as us having said "We're in a relationship now"), I want to know the same info I want to know from my boyfriend.

No one has the right to any information from anyone else. If there's an agreement in place that you'll be given the info, then hopefully each person will stick to the agreement, but that still doesn't give anyone the right to know this stuff. And certainly, in my opinion, no one has the right to *demand* the information.

I can relate to feeling like you need to know certain things to shut up the anxiety demons in your brain. However, that STILL doesn't give you the right to demand someone tell you the things you think you need to know. You can request it, but they can say no, and that's when you have to suck it up and find another way to deal with your anxiety. (This is coming from someone who experiences severe, sometimes crippling anxiety on a regular basis, so when I say "suck it up," I'm not intending to minimize the effects anxiety can cause.)
 
KC43 said:
I don't think anyone's saying that "poly purists" don't share sexual details. The OP stated that they're under the impression that it's uncommon for poly folk to *refuse* to share those details, and others in this thread are refuting that assumption. Sharing sexual details does seem to be more common amongst swingers and those with "hotwife" or cuckold/cuckquean interests than amongst people who are in polyamorous relationships. That doesn't mean it "isn't poly" to share details, just that it is *not* uncommon to *not* share details.

Personally, I don't share details with any of my partners about any of my other partners--past or present--without getting explicit consent from everyone involved. That includes getting consent from the person I'm talking about as well as the person I'm talking to, because the person I'm talking to might not actually want to know. (My partners don't ask me about sex with other partners, beyond "Is your relationship at the point yet where it's happening" and "Are you practicing safer sex.") I have chosen to cut ties with potential partners when they've asked what I considered invasive questions about my sex life with my husband and/or my boyfriend; my sex life is MY sex life, and the only one besides me who needs to know the details of any given relationship is the other person *in* that relationship.

Likewise, I don't want any details about my partners' sex lives with others, and stopped seeing one person because he insisted on giving me details after I had expressly asked him not to. My husband doesn't have other partners; with my boyfriend, all I want to know is "is sex a thing between you and her" and "are you practicing safer sex." Any other partners I have, it depends on how we've identified the relationship; if it's friends-with-benefits, I don't need or especially want to know *any* information about their sex lives with other people, whereas if it's a romantic relationship (which I define loosely as us having said "We're in a relationship now"), I want to know the same info I want to know from my boyfriend.

No one has the right to any information from anyone else. If there's an agreement in place that you'll be given the info, then hopefully each person will stick to the agreement, but that still doesn't give anyone the right to know this stuff. And certainly, in my opinion, no one has the right to *demand* the information.

I can relate to feeling like you need to know certain things to shut up the anxiety demons in your brain. However, that STILL doesn't give you the right to demand someone tell you the things you think you need to know. You can request it, but they can say no, and that's when you have to suck it up and find another way to deal with your anxiety. (This is coming from someone who experiences severe, sometimes crippling anxiety on a regular basis, so when I say "suck it up," I'm not intending to minimize the effects anxiety can cause.)
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Thank you for the response. In short, I wholeheartedly concur with each and every point you made with respect to the need for consent for sharing info and also that no one is entitled to or has the right to demand the sexual details info.

I guess I was trying to also express frustration at what I perceive (yup it could be just me I know) as what often feels like a subtle hierarchal attitude from many (but not all and many not even most) longtime poly people with respect to other forms of non monogamy. A bit of a hmmmm thats what those icky swinger folks on the wrong side of the tracks tend to do sentiment...vs a genuinely non judgmental acknowledgment and embracing positive sentiment for all varieties of non monogamy.

As someone alluded to in another post, its perhaps not so much the keeping private things private as it is the perception of keeping secrets as the default or the sometimes aggressive or overly defensive way it can be communicated as being the majority way or the proper way. If I asked or expressed curiosity about my partners sex life details out of anxiety or erotic interest...and there response was an aggressive assertion of thats offensive to even ask or not proper etc...I'd sure be offended...vs a more respectful, gentle communication of hey I'm not comfy sharing that stuff, or I suppose if your interested and it makes you feel better, let me go check with partner X and get back to you kind of thing
 
YYC said:
...I was trying to also express frustration at what I perceive... as... a subtle hierarchical attitude from many... poly people, with respect to other forms of non monogamy. A bit of a, "Hmm, that's what those icky swinger folks on the wrong side of the tracks tend to do," sentiment...vs a genuinely non judgmental acknowledgment and embracing positive sentiment for all varieties of non monogamy.
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If you've detected less than an "embracing positive sentiment" about swinging here, I'm sure you're correct. After all, this isn't a swinger's board. We may not be positive about swinging, not because it isn't a valid practice, but because it's not polyamory, ie: Poly is about feelings, not just sex; it's about love, usually one-on-one love relationships, not group sex; not couples oriented (couple privilege); not FMF fantasies (including bi-curiosity); not homophobic towards men (where women can be bi but men can't be bi, much less gay), as is often the case at swingers parties; it's not voyeurism or exhibitionism; and it's not hot-wifing or cuckoldry per se, either.

There's a need to make a distinction, not because we think poly is superior to other open relationships or sex fetishes, but because poly is confused with these other practices, and people (confused "poly" newbies usually) cross lines, have wrong expectations, and therefore hurt each other, all the freaking time.

Swinging has a decades long history in this country. Polyamory, only about a decade. So it's very important to make the distinction, here, at polyamory.com, of all places.

As someone alluded to in another post, it's perhaps not so much keeping private things private, as it is the perception of keeping secrets as the default, or the sometimes aggressive or overly defensive way it can be communicated, as being the majority way or the proper way.

If I asked or expressed curiosity about my partner's sex life details out of anxiety or erotic interest... and their response was an aggressive assertion of, "That's offensive to even ask," or, "Not proper," etc... I'd sure be offended... vs a more respectful, gentle communication of, "Hey, I'm not comfy sharing that stuff," or "I suppose, if you're interested and it makes you feel better, let me go check with partner X and get back to you," kind of thing.
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So, it's OK for you to be offended if your request is rebuffed, but not OK if your partner is offended you asked in the first place?

Sometimes either party in any relationship can get offended. Over anything. It's OK to be offended, feelings are feelings. It's not OK to be rude. It's better to be empathetic. But sometimes people get offended because open relationships are hard, especially for newbies. And with high emotions, harsh words may sometimes follow. With practice comes less offense, less mistakes, better communication and expectations, agreements are made and followed, and it all becomes second nature.

YYC, I saw from your other (very few) posts, you are coming from swinging, and think your wife should leave the door open when she goes to cuddle or have sex with her bf in your shared home. Not because you're wanting to go sit and watch, but because you're sex positive and think sex is natural, so if you see wife and her bf having sex, no harm no foul, why are they embarrassed, or whatever?

Just because you are used to seeing other people having sex at swinger events, doesn't mean your wife's bf wants you to see his ass and dick working away, dude. Just because your wife is OK having you see her fucking at swinger parties, doesn't mean she's comfortable with you seeing her making love with her bf in a polyAMORY context. Her relationship with her bf is HERS, and she gets to decide who gets to be around her when she's being intimate with him.

So many poly newbs come here saying they, "Want to ask someone to join their relationship." Us longer term polyamorist members get so tired of explaining, each dyad has its own realm. A new lover for, say, the wife of a poly couple isn't joining her marriage with her husband, he's just joining up with HER. He may want nothing to do with the husband AT ALL.

My longterm partner's bf didn't care to meet me for 4 years. She just always goes to his place. Finally last year, I met him a few times, briefly. He doesn't resent me, I don't resent him. He was just into Pixi, and is introverted, and I trust Pixi and respect his wishes too, so I went with it. And so did she. Even though we both prefer kitchen table poly!
 
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kdt26417 said:
Hello Bibble,

In poly, it's pretty common to not share (with the primary partner) details about sex (with a secondary partner). Common and, I would say, normal. I don't think there's anything for you to be concerned about here. Sometimes swingers share details with each other, but even then it's done with the consent of the partner who is sharing. And even if your partner did consent, her secondary partner would have to consent as well.

My suggestion would be to try and analyze what causes you to have an anxious mind, and then to consider alternative ways to set it at ease. In so doing, you would avoid the breach of privacy the information you want would constitute. Anyway that is my take on the situation.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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This was very helpful. Very concise and objective, but still informative: thank you for your input.
 
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