Demoted from wife to just submissive

[eak88488]

Hello All,

I was here months ago and shared my story. Here is a recap of the original posting:
I’m 38F and he is 45M and we are married. Both have kids from previous divorces. I have had one previous poly experience (I was a couple’s unicorn and when it went bad, they closed ranks on me and cut me off from their lives, which was devastating). He has been poly since his 20s. Since we met (3 years ago) we had discussed poly at a later time but were focusing on us first.

So about a year ago we were going through a rough patch. He brought up the idea of a 3rd. Oh, I should mention he’s my Dom and I’m his submissive. He brought it up in a casual way first, it’d be great for so many reasons, extra emotional support, extra sex, etc. He said he was fulfilled with me but wanted “extra”. The analogy of a steak and baked potato came up. I’m the steak which he loves, but why not add in a baked potato that he loves, too?

I’ve had a few female experiences, so his thought was that we would be a triad. After months of research, and me saying no, I don’t want to share him, I don’t want another person having sex with him, a role in our lives, our finances, the risk of STDs or a baby, we were at a stalemate. We spent 3 months working with a poly friendly therapist, who I found kinda pathetic as she got into this line of work cause she was so sad and felt helpless hen her boyfriend decided to do poly and she stayed with him. She continuously talked about how things were so hard for her still. Hubs and I both read: More than two, The ethical slut, the smart girl’s guide to polyamory, power dynamics in polyamory, the jealousy workbook, etc.

He has promised me (and I believe him) that he will work his ass off to make sure I feel just as loved, needed, supported, cared for as before. Our research showed trying to find a triad now wouldn't be as successful as him finding a woman, them dating, then possibly folding me into it. He is an excellent husband and we are closer with our communication than ever before. Our sex is off the charts.

So we talked and talked and I tried to get him to see that yes, possibly this could work out wonderfully, but with my severe anxiety and PTSD, I was stressing out all of the unknowns. We argued, debated, I said I was against it. He put his foot down as my Dom and said it was going to happen. But I told him SURE, try to find a woman, since he said it would take years. Well a week later he finds a woman online who lives 5 hours away, She’s married and no kids. She’d like to try poly and is bicurious. I freak out and want to talk to her but he is scared I’ll tell her to fuck off since I’m still angry that he can’t just not practice poly. I mean, I’m his collared, owned submissive and we have a great life. Why is that not enough? And yes I know that’s it’s not about me not being enough, he just wants more. I joined a bunch of FB groups for poly relationships and mono-poly but quit them cause they were mostly horror stories.

He is only talking to her when I’m asleep or at work, or at some time where he is not reguarly with me, trying to show me that this won’t impact my life that much. He wants to meet her in a month or so and see if they have chemistry in person.

He is so very sincere about how he feels and I know he is being honest with me. But I have so many anxiety and jealousy issues. When I imagine him excitedly kissing another woman or something, I want to cry and pass out.

So yesterday we were talking and he said something had to give: we had to be able to move on and live our lives. So he said we should get “emotionally” divorced and I will just focus on the housework and being his obedient submissive. I was so shocked I didn’t know what to say. He said we would stay married for legal and financial and healthcare reasons. I think I’ve cried every hour since and I couldn’t even sleep. I don’t know what to do.

 

[vinsanity0]

Wow. He's willing to throw a lot away on something that most likely isn't going to amount to much. At first I was going to suggest just riding it out because a married woman 5 hours away isn't going to be a huge impact. Then I got to the last paragraph and two words came to mind. Walk away.

 

[FallenAngelina]

He put his foot down as my Dom and said it was going to happen....When I imagine him excitedly kissing another woman or something, I want to cry and pass out.....So he said we should get “emotionally” divorced and I will just focus on the housework and being his obedient submissive.

Do you know that the primary purpose of a Dom/Sub relationship is for the growth and fulfillment of the Submissive, not for the Dom to wield his power in whatever way he pleases? Are you in communication with other long time Submissives? Do you have mentors? There are a few groups on Fetlife where you can meet other women in these types of long term relationships. Sounds like you desperately need to keep more company with self-possessed women who live this way for their own growth. Being a Sub is not about doing whatever your Dom tells you to do. If this is his typical attitude, that his desires come first, then he is a very uneducated Dom, despite what he may think about himself. Without the Sub's well being as the nucleus of the whole dynamic, you're just in a domineering, abusive relationship, no matter the costuming or rituals.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I have a different view. He wants polyamory. You don't. I think he's choosing polyamory over monogamy rather than her over you which is the right question he should be asking himself. What he's attempting to do is find an alternative relationship model that will work for you. Lots of poly people "downscale" or "deescalate" relationships rather than breaking up.


I think your husband is at a point where he's acknowledged you can't be together in a romantic relationship and happy and healthy because you want different things. The problem is that most people's kink dynamic is entwined with a romantic relationship too.

 

[Vicki82]

As a submissive, you haven't given up the authority to determine your own boundaries. That's why people generally discuss hard and soft limits.

It is 100% okay to have monogamy as a hard limit. As a collared and owned submissive, you can still decide that a relationship isn't meeting your needs. He cannot just tell you this is what YOU are doing- you always have the right to exit the relationship.

He can decide for himself, that what he wants is to be poly. He could decide that whether he was a Dom or a sub or entirely vanilla- that's okay. Then you get to choose if you want to be with him if he's poly. That is your choice.

You do not have to be in a relationship with some other woman if you don't want to be. You don't have to be poly if you don't want to be. However, what it sounds like is that he has made the decision that HE will be poly, and now you need to decide how you want to deal with that.

Do you still want to be involved with him, if he is dating other people?

 

[Vicki82]

The problem is that most people's kink dynamic is entwined with a romantic relationship too.

I don't think this is true, in my experience with the community. Some are. A great deal are not. There are very few universals in the BDSM community beyond consent.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I don't think this is true, in my experience with the community. Some are. A great deal are not. There are very few universals in the BDSM community beyond consent.

In my experience, few people are wiling to have a service only role. Fewer people still are okay with deescalating a marriage to a service only relationship.

 

[FallenAngelina]

...he has made the decision that HE will be poly

It actually sounds like he wants a girlfriend and a maid, not polyamory. The husband is suggesting that they change the marriage to a non-romantic service agreement. That doesn't sound like "amory" at all.

 

[dingedheart]

I’m 38F and he is 45M and we are married. Both have kids from previous divorces. I have had one previous poly experience (I was a couple’s unicorn and when it went bad, they closed ranks on me and cut me off from their lives, which was devastating). He has been poly since his 20s. Since we met (3 years ago) we had discussed poly at a later time but were focusing on us first.

How long have you been officially married and how many kids are involved and what’s the age range.

So about a year ago we were going through a rough patch. He brought up the idea of a 3rd. Oh, I should mention he’s my Dom and I’m his submissive. He brought it up in a casual way first, it’d be great for so many reasons, extra emotional support, extra sex, etc. He said he was fulfilled with me but wanted “extra”. The analogy of a steak and baked potato came up. I’m the steak which he loves, but why not add in a baked potato that he loves, too?

During a rough patch his idea to fix said rough patch is with a new partner And he’s the experienced poly person here.....are we sure about that.

After reading the entire post it doesn’t sound like you’re steak in this little food analogy but a piece of toast or a slice of cheap white bread.

We spent 3 months working with a poly friendly therapist, who I found kinda pathetic as she got into this line of work cause she was so sad and felt helpless hen her boyfriend decided to do poly and she stayed with him. She continuously talked about how things were so hard for her still. Hubs and I both read: More than two, The ethical slut, the smart girl’s guide to polyamory, power dynamics in polyamory, the jealousy workbook, etc.

3 months of poly couples therapy and what was her professional advise. I’m assuming you told her about your severe anxiety and PTSD ?
AND / Or how did that end ??? Did you just collectively decide it was worthless and stop going.

He has promised me (and I believe him) that he will work his ass off to make sure I feel just as loved, needed, supported, cared for as before. Our research showed trying to find a triad now wouldn't be as successful as him finding a woman, them dating, then possibly folding me into it. He is an excellent husband and we are closer with our communication than ever before. Our sex is off the charts.

So following the therapy and books and research “ him working his ass off “ in being an excellent husband things were great ...including your sex life and then all that changed with his emotional divorce idea ? Or was this just prior to him finding someone women online ?? I guess the question I have is ....was that package of great ( excellent hubby, great communication, awesome sex ) genuine happy or someone working toward a goal. And when he didn’t get what he wanted things got nasty and here’s your punishment. ???
That was your carrot and now here’s your stick.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

It actually sounds like he wants a girlfriend and a maid, not polyamory. The husband is suggesting that they change the marriage to a non-romantic service agreement. That doesn't sound like "amory" at all.

I disagree. He may well be open to other more romantic relationships with others. Even if he isn't, his feelings for his wife may exceed his boundaries of monogamy. I just don't think it's realistic unless it's mutually desired. This is one sided.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

This sounds an awful lot like "relationship broken, add more people" messy way of going. I cannot imagine what he is thinking. It sounds terrible.

After months of research, and me saying no, I don’t want to share him, I don’t want another person having sex with him, a role in our lives, our finances, the risk of STDs or a baby, we were at a stalemate.

Sounds like you don't want to be doing any kind of poly. You have thought, considered, read, seen counselor and all that. And in the end? You have considered and ARE NOT into it.

I think you've been very fair about considering. It is OK not to be into it.

It is NOT ok to force you into it.

We argued, debated, I said I was against it. He put his foot down as my Dom and said it was going to happen.

Well... if he wants to go there and you still do not?

Then perhaps you guys part ways. He can be free TO pursue whatever poly. And you can be free FROM poly stuff you don't want to be doing. No break up is fun like "whee! Let's go to the movies!" But a clean break up treats BOTH parties with respect and dignity.

Trying to sweet talk to you into it, then trying to argue you into it, then trying to dom you into it... that's not kind behavior. Sounds like bullying.

He doesn't HAVE to be your dom. You can fire him. It's possible for you to end that layer of relationship with him if he's abusing power.

He is so very sincere about how he feels and I know he is being honest with me.

That is fine. The part where he states where he stands and says what he wants.

But I have so many anxiety and jealousy issues. When I imagine him excitedly kissing another woman or something, I want to cry and pass out.

And you are being honest back from the sound of it. Stating where you stand and what you want.

So yesterday we were talking and he said something had to give: we had to be able to move on and live our lives.

I agree. Something has to give.

Rather than one trying to convince the other and going in circles or resorting to bullying tactics... could instead "agree to disagree " and accept that these wants no longer match. This is a cross roads moment. You guys no longer sound compatible.

So he said we should get “emotionally” divorced and I will just focus on the housework and being his obedient submissive.

The new model does not have to be THAT way. The thing that gives could be (going down that road together). You could take separate roads instead. It may or may not come back together later on. But right now? No. Not going there together.

He doesn't get to make unilateral decisions for the couple just because he's your spouse and dom.

I was so shocked I didn’t know what to say.

I can imagine it was a shock!

Now that you have taken it in, you could say

"No, thank you. I do not want to participate in a poly thing.

I do not want "emotional divorce " and only be married only for legal, financial, and healthcare reasons, while living here watching this unfold with your new partner, while also being the housekeeper/maid.

I prefer either a trial separation or a clean divorce. I move out. Then you can can be free to pursue poly stuff you want and I can be free from poly stuff I do not want. And we have a shot at being decent exes and coparents. "​

His idea sounds like a poor offer, TBH. Where he gets most of the receiving. And you put in extra work for less return.

• It's not "joyous yes" poly where all parties WANT and consent to go there.
  
• It's not a clean trial separation were you no longer live together for a year's lease. So you can rest, think, and decide if you want to try to patch it up or finish breaking off the rest of the way.
  
• It is not a clean divorce either.

To me? Any of those 3 would be more respectful to both parties than what he is suggesting.

What he IS suggesting... where's the pleasure in that for you? Where's the cookies? To me it sounds like a crap offer.

AND he's not obtained your full consent to participate. He's jumping the gun and starting up with the new lady already. This is supposed to make you feel joy or make you think he's reliable and trustworthy HOW? So before when he was trying to sweet talk you into it and saying how he would treat you good.... it was just empty air?

She’d like to try poly and is bicurious. I freak out and want to talk to her but he is scared I’ll tell her to fuck off since I’m still angry that he can’t just not practice poly. I mean, I’m his collared, owned submissive and we have a great life.

TBH? You might be his collared owned submissive, but it doesn't sound like a great life to me if he is ok just steam rolling right over you and not hearing you when you clearly say NO.

Why's he scared you will tell her to fuck off? She's done nothing to you. She might not even know the whole story from him.

He could be scared you will tell HIM to go fuck off with all this nonsense and his poor behaviors toward you -- not listening, trying to talk OVER you, pushing you to things you do not want, jumping the gun, etc.

That's his idea of being poly partner or a good dom? Jeez.

If he wants to be doing crazy -- he could go ahead. He can choose to take the bus to Crazy Town. But you? You can pull the string and get off the bus. You don't have to ride there with him. You've been telling him you don't want to go there.

Could stop talking and move on to action. Could get off the bus and save yourself and the kids.

I am sorry though. This is a very poor way to treat a partner! Doesn't sound very dignified or respectful at all.

Galagirl

 

[MayDecember]

He said we would stay married for legal and financial and healthcare reasons. I think I’ve cried every hour since and I couldn’t even sleep. I don’t know what to do.

That isn't a wife, correct. "Demoted" to a financial crutch, whatever - the word reflects the one-sided nature of this decision, yes.

I've always felt it was better to be poor, but have dignity and love. The "legal" reasons for being married are unclear unless those reasons are the financial ones. Health care is a financial reason so for clarity it is staying married for financial reasons.

It's said that people who stay married for money really earn it. Dark humor.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Elizabeth,

I am a bit alarmed and confused by your husband's decision to "emotionally" divorce. First of all don't you have a say in that decision? Second, I thought (from your previous thread) that you had come to an agreement that he would be poly with another woman, but in a way that would affect you as little as possible, she wouldn't live with you, no entangled assets or finances with you, whom your husband went out with once a week and that was it? someone you didn't have to see or interact with? and here the actual woman lives five hours away, that keeps her even more out of your life. Doesn't that fall within the bounds of your agreement? Why does something suddenly "need to give?" Can't he just stick to your agreement and be happy with that?

This demotion he proposes, I wonder if it is one of the very things you feared would happen if you let him be poly. Or does this surpass even the fears that you had? He is really sticking you with a raw deal. A submissive only instead of a wife? What kind of improvement is that? Sounds like he is trying to sweep you under the rug.

Have you changed your mind about the compromise you thought you had reached? You no longer want him to be involved with another woman even if she has minimal impact on your life? but I don't see how turning you into a maid is supposed to make you feel better about that. Maybe now's the time to put your foot down, and tell him that as his wife, you will not put up with him seeing another woman, and you will not go along with being demoted. Can you do that?

I'm sorry he's doing this.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I'm sorry you struggle.

This sounds an awful lot like "relationship broken, add more people" messy way of going. I cannot imagine what he is thinking. It sounds terrible.




Sounds like you don't want to be doing any kind of poly. You have thought, considered, read, seen counselor and all that. And in the end? You have considered and ARE NOT into it.

I think you've been very fair about considering. It is OK not to be into it.

It is NOT ok to force you into it.



Well... if he wants to go there and you still do not?

Then perhaps you guys part ways. He can be free TO pursue whatever poly. And you can be free FROM poly stuff you don't want to be doing. No break up is fun like "whee! Let's go to the movies!" But a clean break up treats BOTH parties with respect and dignity.

Trying to sweet talk to you into it, then trying to argue you into it, then trying to dom you into it... that's not kind behavior. Sounds like bullying.

He doesn't HAVE to be your dom. You can fire him. It's possible for you to end that layer of relationship with him if he's abusing power.



That is fine. The part where he states where he stands and says what he wants.



And you are being honest back from the sound of it. Stating where you stand and what you want.



I agree. Something has to give.

Rather than one trying to convince the other and going in circles or resorting to bullying tactics... could instead "agree to disagree " and accept that these wants no longer match. This is a cross roads moment. You guys no longer sound compatible.



The new model does not have to be THAT way. The thing that gives could be (going down that road together). You could take separate roads instead. It may or may not come back together later on. But right now? No. Not going there together.

He doesn't get to make unilateral decisions for the couple just because he's your spouse and dom.



I can imagine it was a shock!

Now that you have taken it in, you could say

"No, thank you. I do not want to participate in a poly thing.

I do not want "emotional divorce " and only be married only for legal, financial, and healthcare reasons, while living here watching this unfold with your new partner, while also being the housekeeper/maid.

I prefer either a trial separation or a clean divorce. I move out. Then you can can be free to pursue poly stuff you want and I can be free from poly stuff I do not want. And we have a shot at being decent exes and coparents. "​

His idea sounds like a poor offer, TBH. Where he gets most of the receiving. And you put in extra work for less return.

• It's not "joyous yes" poly where all parties WANT and consent to go there.
  
• It's not a clean trial separation were you no longer live together for a year's lease. So you can rest, think, and decide if you want to try to patch it up or finish breaking off the rest of the way.
  
• It is not a clean divorce either.

To me? Any of those 3 would be more respectful to both parties than what he is suggesting.

What he IS suggesting... where's the pleasure in that for you? Where's the cookies? To me it sounds like a crap offer.

AND he's not obtained your full consent to participate. He's jumping the gun and starting up with the new lady already. This is supposed to make you feel joy or make you think he's reliable and trustworthy HOW? So before when he was trying to sweet talk you into it and saying how he would treat you good.... it was just empty air?



TBH? You might be his collared owned submissive, but it doesn't sound like a great life to me if he is ok just steam rolling right over you and not hearing you when you clearly say NO.

Why's he scared you will tell her to fuck off? She's done nothing to you. She might not even know the whole story from him.

He could be scared you will tell HIM to go fuck off with all this nonsense and his poor behaviors toward you -- not listening, trying to talk OVER you, pushing you to things you do not want, jumping the gun, etc.

That's his idea of being poly partner or a good dom? Jeez.

If he wants to be doing crazy -- he could go ahead. He can choose to take the bus to Crazy Town. But you? You can pull the string and get off the bus. You don't have to ride there with him. You've been telling him you don't want to go there.

Could stop talking and move on to action. Could get off the bus and save yourself and the kids.

I am sorry though. This is a very poor way to treat a partner! Doesn't sound very dignified or respectful at all.

Galagirl

Do you think he should just dump her?

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I now remember the last thread. I remember thinking that this wife doesn't only not want polyamory, she doesn't think his desire for it is okay. I'm not surprised things have gone this way.

 

[GalaGirl]

Do you think he should just dump her?

From original thread:

• Why is it that we either have to break up, he shelves the idea, or I change my opinion?

• I don't want to share our intimacy, our love, anything. He thinks it's no big deal, cause he knows we love each other. I'm just heartbroken and would love advice.

I think if he wants poly and she does not want poly at all? It's a source of heartbreak? Rather than go around in circles fighting over it or banging heads on wall hurting each other or selves? It could be kinder and more and respectful for both to accept it was maybe incompatible from the start.

Perhaps change the conversation from "how to move on to poly despite this difference" to "accept this difference and consider a trial separation or divorce."

Hurting each each other or selves some more with it is not good.

I don't think running roughshod over the partner that doesn't want it is good either.

I can imagine it is a hard place to be in right now, eak88488. I am very sorry.

Galagirl

 

[Tinwen]

So yesterday we were talking and he said something had to give: we had to be able to move on and live our lives. So he said we should get “emotionally” divorced and I will just focus on the housework and being his obedient submissive. I was so shocked I didn’t know what to say. He said we would stay married for legal and financial and healthcare reasons. I think I’ve cried every hour since and I couldn’t even sleep. I don’t know what to do.

That doesn't sound like a well thought about and communicated plan.
What does that offer even mean? Why would he think you'd like to remain his submissive without being romantically engaged? Is that with, or without bdsm sex? (Not that it matters for the sake of this forum, I was just wondering, if you even know what he meant by these words.)

I'm sure there will be a follow-up conversation shortly. Please do update us.

 

[ref2018]

Hi OP.

As GalaGirl says, I'm sorry you're struggling.

My advice to you is to keep a journal documenting dates of your conversations, and keep all your email and correspondence backed up somewhere where he can't access your password. Then, start contacting resources that can help you find legal representation. You probably have enough evidence already to settle a divorce in your favor if it should come to that.

DO NOT let this man use you as a live-in housekeeper in exchange for food and heat and medical insurance. You can have all those things without putting up with his bullshit.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi eak, so you're back again, with the same problem.

I hear you gave this a good try over the winter. (Your last posts were in October 2018.) I hear you tried therapy with a "poly friendly" person who is actually hurt and bitter about poly dynamics, so that ended up not helping.

In rereading your last thread, I see I came in late with my feedback and perspective, and shared a personal story with similarities to aspects of yours. You didn't respond at that time.

I'm sorry your idea of a good solid marriage and collaring is fading away. The fantasies of true love and great kink, which was supposed to help your anxiety issues by providing security, and the stress relief of good sex/kink, has not come to fruition. Your husband-dom led you down a garden path of a solid D/s collaring/marriage, with fun recreational kink and/or sex with another or others, somewhere down the road.

Unfortunately you both rushed into cohabiting, blending families, and marriage, before you realized you were compatible at first, but not long term compatible.

It's quite common, universal, for the first year of an exciting sexy relationship to be all hearts and roses, because, NRE. It's quite common, in the second year, for the rose colored glasses to come off, and reality to hit. You mentioned a rough patch sometime last year. Once the fun of new NRE rushes, dating, starting to get to know each other, your kids meeting each other, the intense bonding that only comes with D/s power dynamics, started to fade, your partner's true nature came out. He might be a NRE junkie, he might be polyamorous, he might be polysexual, he might be a narcissist...

If he's a narcissist, they go by love bombing you first, idealizing you, treating you like gold, until they've had their fill. Then they downgrade your status and start to triangulate you with the next person they desire. This can be less clear when the "polyamory" term is thrown around. I'm not definitely saying that is happening here, but it's something to consider.

There's a saying about relationships:

First year forming
Second year storming
Third year, hopefully, norming. But. Sometimes, break up.

So now, 3rd year, you're struggling, because you've created this life with him, and 5 kids are involved, and you have anxiety/depression. You've lost your security with him, the old relationship is dead. His offer for a new relationship of no emotional connection, and you just do housework, and care for HIS kids as well as your own, and "obey" him in all things, sounds awful. Because it is.

Not to mention, y'all have 5 kids, and he wants to form a long distance relationship with an inexperienced married newbie? And drive or fly to see her how often? Or have her come to your town and go to a hotel, and he's unavailable as a dad or husband how often? Or does he imagine he sees her when kids are with their mom, and/or your kids are with their dad? And you're then left home alone with no one...

Not that being home alone is a bad thing. I like my me time when my nesting partner is with her bf. Now. But years ago, when my ex husband and I were married, and we opened our marriage, (supposedly to create a triad, which didn't happen)... he found a long distance gf he wanted to go see for 3 days, every 2 or 3 weeks, I really resented it. I was left with the kids, their messes and spats, problems... not to mention the pets, walking the dog, changing the cat litter. All the responsibilities parenthood and household maintenance brings, as I listed in your previous thread. Meanwhile my husband was off scot free, romantically dating, falling in love, love drunk, aroused, wining and dining, spending money on gas and restaurants, long uninterrupted talks with equally lovestruck woman, long walks around her nice city sightseeing, bookstores, cafes, sushi, massages with essential oils, museums. No boring domestic chores, just bonding and sexing, like a big vacation, having all kinds of fun.

Also? That man I said I was seeing last year, who was a newlywed, new to making poly really work, has a blended family of 5 kids? He broke up with me in no uncertain terms just yesterday, by text. Even though he cares about me and I will "always be special to him," he chose to work on his marriage and being there for his kids. I am sad. I haven't seen him since early January, so I was ready for this to end. I respect his knows his emotional and financial limits. He has come to the realization that love, or emotional bonding, is infinite, but time and money are not. He can care for me, but not have the resources to actually have an ongoing active relationship. That shows an adult self awareness that I can't help but respect.

I'm really really sorry you've tried so hard and just can't come to terms with your husband J needing more than one partner. (Maybe he needs a steak and a potato not just for variety, but for actual nutrition, to use his metaphor.) (Or maybe he's just a serial monogamist, NRE junkie, or narcissist who wants no responsibilities, just his own pleasure.) Either way, he can't come to terms with being a good Dom, an available father, a trustworthy, present, monogamous husband, as you seem to need and want.

However, you've got a lot invested in this rather whirlwind romance, what with the kids' needs, and your need for security and stability what with your anxiety/depression. It's the sunk cost issue keeping you in this right now. But, thinking clearly, it sounds like you can best meet your actual needs by creating your own stability, parting with this man who is going off to create a new romance, and leaving you with the daily chores and childcare. Your parents are right to not like him. He's not a good husband or father for you. It's a rotten deal which doesn't suit you.

You've been miserable and crying since, when? Last August? It sounds like you gave it a good try, and it just doesn't work.

 

[RachelGay1]

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