New Triad sex issues

[Robert84]

Hi everyone,
My wife and I are brand new to everything poly. We have recently entered into a relationship with a girl (who is experienced in all things poly), and we are both very into her.

My wife has never been with a woman before now, but has always been curious and turns out she likes it very much. She has made sure to make it clear to me that she still very much loves me and is attracted to me.

Our triad set up is new, but just about every aspect of it is perfect. My wife if surprisingly very compersive and is a natural at this sort of thing, and really enjoys watching me with our new girl. I also find it hot when they are together, or should I say I found it hot...

Here is the only issue that I am having trouble processing and working through. The first time we were togethe my wife had somewhere like five or six orgasms, and I was not as actively involved as I would have liked. My wife has never had multiple orgasms before and would always be too sensitive after coming and would make me stop. Well she now knows that she can come, hard, many many times with our new girl. When she has sex with me, I have gotten her off once, usually... but since the triad started, maybe twice in one session. She says that does not matter, but with my typical Male ego I can't wrap my head around that. How can 6 orgasms not be objectively better than 1 or 2? (Note: with new girl, these were also very intense orgasms, all of them, so we cant say the quantity vs. Quality argument)
It is causing some weirdness because the bar has been set so high. How do I be okay with this? How can I make myself not feel like less than? Its causing anxiety and tension and is making things weird when my wife and I are intimate.
She gives me the whole, "I love you more than anything, life partner, love having sex with you too, it's just different" stuff... but it just doesnt do it for me. My ego or self esteem needs to know I can do that too, or at least same ballpark lol. (Other side note, when I am with our new girl, we have great sex that we are both very satisfied with).
I know it seems immature or insecure or what have you.... but I am having trouble working through it.

Any tips or advice or experience would be great as I have literally no one other than my wife and girl to talk to about this.

 

[vinsanity0]

Probably the easiest solution would be for you to not be in the room when they are having sex.

 

[FallenAngelina]

How can 6 orgasms not be objectively better than 1 or 2? (Note: with new girl, these were also very intense orgasms, all of them, so we cant say the quantity vs. Quality argument).

When it comes to sex, there is just no such thing as "objectively better." Start there.

You have fallen victim to the "Orgasm Derby" mentality which is, unfortunately, so popular today. Sex has fads, just like anything else and measuring satisfaction by numbers of orgasms seems to be one of our current trends. You can mitigate this by developing your appreciation of something more along the lines of Tantra, which emphasizes the experience of sexual energy and mindfulness (AKA being in the moment.) This approach is not some weird, mystical, secret and exotic practice, it is expanding our education about our own sexual pleasures and emphasizing sexual connection over sexual goals (orgasm derby thinking.) A book you may find helpful is Urban Tantra. Get off the count-the-orgasms train, which is so short sighted and limiting.

BTW, your new girl is not experienced in all things poly, as you imagine. Poly is by nature wide and varied - there are many, many, many ways to do it. She has perhaps more experience than you, by she does not know everything and has not experienced everything. You have much to bring to this situation just by being uniquely you. Study up on new concepts and bring your open heart to this. There are all kinds of ways that you can open this triad up to even more expansive experiences that will be new territory for all of you together. Get out of the trap of comparing orgasm numbers or even equating orgasms with satisfaction. There are many ways to be sexual and many ways to be intimate. Take this opportunity to grow!

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

I don't know if my POV would hep you any but FWIW...

SHORT VERSION

I think you are too attached to orgasms. I think this new experience is calling you to question your previous beliefs about sex. Right now it seems "performance centered" rather than "person centered." Where did you learn that? And does it still serve you well at this point in time to hang on to that thinking?

Stop competing/comparing with the new lover if it gets you all weird. If participating in group sex is causing you anxiety and upset? Stop sharing group sex. It is not a requirement.

LONG VERSION

Sex share for me is about sharing.

It's not about number of orgasms. Because honestly? Me and every other woman friend I have can bring our own selves off quickly any time with no partner required. Partnered sex is about sharing a sex experience with that partner. It's NOT about number of orgasms. I can come more times flying solo than with anyone else.

Our triad set up is new, but just about every aspect of it is perfect.

Do you not enjoy that?

The first time we were together my wife had somewhere like five or six orgasms, and I was not as actively involved as I would have liked.

So be ok learning how to share group sex in this dynamic. Even if a person has shared group sex before, sharing group sex with a new group of people takes some time to calibrate and figure out. Because it IS a new group of people.

If the main thing is that you felt left out, work on expressing that and being more included.

Rather than trying to prove your value through your performance and number of orgasms.

Why are you there together having sex anyway? To bond? Share? Or sit around counting orgasms?

Group sex is NOT a requirement for triads. If you find it bugs you to watch wife with new partner? Stop sharing group sex and you each share sex with new partner separately.

My wife has never had multiple orgasms before and would always be too sensitive after coming and would make me stop. Well she now knows that she can come, hard, many many times with our new girl.

And it cannot simply be because it IS with a woman? And you cannot compete with that because you are NOT a woman with female equipment? Would that satisfy your ego so you can RELAX and let go of the competitiveness?

When she has sex with me, I have gotten her off once, usually... but since the triad started, maybe twice in one session.

You wife enjoys sharing sex with you. This is BAD how?

She says that does not matter, but with my typical Male ego I can't wrap my head around that.

So sex for you is only about sharing orgasm? That's it? Nothing else is being shared?

If the problem is that you felt left out, you can't ask for reassurance more directly? Rather than take this side trip on orgasm counting?

How can 6 orgasms not be objectively better than 1 or 2?

Sometimes I only want to come once or twice. Just because I can orgasm many times doesn't meant I WANT to.

My spouse will piss me off if he keeps pushing me to orgasm when I already said I need a break from stimulus. To not listen to me on that can ruin what otherwise would have been a good lovemaking / sex share. To not listen to me when I say I'm already full would make him a BAD sharer.

What kind of sharer are you?

Maybe you need to hear from your wife why she shares sex with you -- OTHER than orgasm? And reassure you that she loves you as her lover and appreciates what you bring to the table?

It is causing some weirdness because the bar has been set so high.

WHO set the bar? YOU. So why are you setting this up like that in your head?

How do I be okay with this? How can I make myself not feel like less than?

Stop sitting around thinking you are less skilled or less valuable than the other lover and/or that you suck because you bring wife to orgasm once or twice in a lovemaking. Why's helping share pleasure with wife horrible to you?

Stop competing with the new lover.

Its causing anxiety and tension and is making things weird when my wife and I are intimate.

Why are you bringing anxiety and tension and weird to bed with you when it's just you and wife sharing sex?

You think the only thing you bring to the table is bringing wife to orgasm? That's all she values you for? So here's this other lover now who can bring her to orgasm more times than you so... what's that make you now? Chump change? Is that the thinking process?

She gives me the whole, "I love you more than anything, life partner, love having sex with you too, it's just different" stuff... but it just doesnt do it for me. My ego or self esteem needs to know I can do that too, or at least same ballpark lol.

Are you saying that you value...

• making wife cum many times in one lovemaking

MORE than

• being wife's life partner, wife choosing you as a lover and enjoying sharing sex with you

??

That you can only hold yourself in good esteem and feel proud of your sex sharing skills only if wife orgasms lots? You look to sex for self validation and ego props?

Is that what you are saying?

What WOULD do it for you other than number of orgasms?

I think this new experience is calling you to question your previous beliefs about sex. Right now it seems "performance centered" rather than "person centered." Where did you learn that? And does it still serve you well at this point in time to hang on to that thinking? Maybe it is time to let it go and subscribe to new beliefs about sex share.

Because right now you are all happy in a new triad.

Your established partner is telling you she is happy with you and the sex you share together.

Instead of being happy... you seem to be sitting around thinking you are less valuable now because the new partner can bring wife to orgasm more than you right now.

That's all you are good for? An orgasm bringer?

Why reduce your value to something so small?

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

My ex husband and I were married 20 years before he accepted my bisexuality. (Prior to that, he felt threatened by it, acted jealous, would passive aggressively torment me. Even though I never acted on it, never cheated on him.)

But finally something changed in his head. Even before we attempted to bring another female partner actually into the mix, he started fantasizing verbally with me about me being with women. I was so excited he accepted and started to celebrate that with me, I started going from 1-3 orgasms per sex session with him, to 10, 20 or 30 orgasms. And squirting big time, for the first time ever. (I was 42.) He'd fantasize in my ear, and finger me etc., and I'd just cum and cum, basically ad infinitum.

It can often happen with women in mid life that our libidos increase and our orgasmic capacity increases as well. There are various reasons for this, some physical, some hormonal, some psychological/emotional. Or maybe if we've been a dedicated mother for many years with needy young children, we were unable to think of ourselves as that sexual. We were constantly giving to our kids. It's exhausting.

So, finally we come to a point were we accept ourselves. And maybe our long term partner accepts and encourages this growth, and doesn't fear it, and stunt it, and act critical and mopey, and try to shut us down or control us.

 

[Inaniel]

Now that you have been all emo about it this may be hard, however generally speaking I would say have your new partner give you some tips on how to bring your wife to multiple orgasms.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I'm going to be honest here.

This is something a lot of women new to same sex relationships experience, and it's because men generally aren't as skilled or intuitive in bed as women.

This is what I find amusing about unicorn hunting triads at times, especially where the man has imposed a OPP to protect the relationship. Not saying this is you, OP, but men often think that their female partner will not be blown away by a woman so it's safer than a man. Then they find that a woman can have several penises in various sizes and some of them even buzz.

My advice is to watch some porn that specifically focuses on how to do things like oral sex and digital stimulation. Katimodel on pornhub isn't bad.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Robert84,

I have only had a couple of partners so take this with a grain of salt, my experience is limited. What I have found is that sometimes, not always but sometimes, men and women experience sex differently. Often, to a man, sex is a process, that culminates with an orgasm. An orgasm is a "happy ending." While often, to a woman, sex is a tapestry, of many enjoyable things, of which an orgasm is just one enjoyable thing, and there are many other things that are different but just as enjoyable. A woman is not necessarily "satisfied" by an orgasm in the same way a man is. Sex does not have to end with an orgasm for her. She just likes sharing sex. An orgasm is just something that can happen along the way, it is not necessarily a climax. And she may express herself loudly during an orgasm, but for her that is just a form of expression, not necessarily a sign that she has arrived at "the best part of sex." An orgasm is just one of many parts that makes sex pleasurable for her.

I know that with my current partner, I have had to learn that she actually dislikes multiple orgasms. She may *seem* (to my male mind) to like it at the moment, but then later (after the sex is done), she'll tell me that she wishes I wouldn't make her come over and over. Back when I first started having sex with her, she didn't complain about the multiple orgasms, but after the NRE wore off she kind of lost her interest. Once is the most amount of times she wants to come, maybe twice at the most. She will actually become annoyed with me if I try to push the envelope beyond that. It doesn't matter that I *can* get her off again, it's that she doesn't *want* me to get her off again. And I need to honor that. So as I said, sex for her is not a process, it's a tapestry. She values the variety more than she does that all-important "happy ending" that I so crave.

This is the thing you'll need to wrap your mind around ... the fact that your wife experiences sex differently than you do. Maybe you *can't* make her come again because she doesn't *want* to. She wants to share more of the other parts of the sexual experience with you. And maybe with the other woman, she does want to come more. That doesn't mean she likes sex more with the other woman, just that she likes it differently. Could be because of NRE, could be because it's sex with a woman, could be a combination of things. If it's NRE, the NRE will definitely wear off after awhile and then she won't *want* to come so many times. If that happens, the other woman will probably sense the change and adapt. This is the key to your wife's enjoyment, to sense what she wants and adapt to it. If she *wants* another orgasm, she's more likely to be able to have it.

As I said take this with a grain of salt, I am not a woman so I am only guessing based on what narrow range of experience I have. And like I said, even if my guess is right it's only right *part* of the time. With some women, the orgasm may *be* the ultimate part of sex. But I get the impression your wife operates more on the "tapestry model" of sex. She might well become bored or annoyed if you try to make sex quantitatively the same with you as it is with the other woman. She *wants* sex with you to be different. Maybe she wants it to be more mellow with you, something on that order. Not so intense. And you can always ask her, "Is there something I could do to make sex better for you?" and maybe she'll say, "Yes, you could do this or that," and maybe she'll say, "No, you're doing just fine." Either way, it's important that you *believe* her.

Hopefully that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[vinsanity0]

I'm going to be honest here.

This is something a lot of women new to same sex relationships experience, and it's because men generally aren't as skilled or intuitive in bed as women.

This is what I find amusing about unicorn hunting triads at times, especially where the man has imposed a OPP to protect the relationship. Not saying this is you, OP, but men often think that their female partner will not be blown away by a woman so it's safer than a man. Then they find that a woman can have several penises in various sizes and some of them even buzz.

My advice is to watch some porn that specifically focuses on how to do things like oral sex and digital stimulation. Katimodel on pornhub isn't bad.

LOL

I've never understood guys who felt they were safe with a OPP.

Sometimes my wife would learn something she liked with someone new. Then she'd let me know about it. That made it fun instead of a competition.

 

[ElMango]

The first time we were togethe my wife had somewhere like five or six orgasms, and I was not as actively involved as I would have liked.

This happened during a threesome with me and M; he got excluded by accident. He learned he needed to speak up and make sure he stayed involved.

My wife has never had multiple orgasms before and would always be too sensitive after coming and would make me stop.

Story time that may help soothe you! I can't handle how Z eating me out feels. It's too sensitive when he does and it has to be really short or else I'm over sensitive. With B, it takes much longer and I much prefer it. Even when they're trying hard to do things the same. No matter how hard they try their bodies are slightly different and my body responds to them differently. I enjoy both; I do have a preferrence for that specific sex act, but it doesn't mean I dislike Z's.

She says that does not matter, but with my typical Male ego I can't wrap my head around that.

I'm going to have to highlight this; you're right in thinking that this is your brain needing a reframe of POV, and figure out WHY all of this is making you insecure, and why when your wife says that she's happy and everything is good, you don't trust that?

[quote[How can 6 orgasms not be objectively better than 1 or 2? [/quote]

Different =/= mean better. Sex as a whole is different with B and Z; my orgasms are different too! COmpletely; the amount, the type! Both are amazing, just different. As well as being with Z for almost 11 years now, sex is different there too because we know each others bodies inside out.

It is causing some weirdness because the bar has been set so high.

You set the bar up at all, you have to be the one to take it down.

How do I be okay with this? How can I make myself not feel like less than? Its causing anxiety and tension and is making things weird when my wife and I are intimate.

She gives me the whole, "I love you more than anything, life partner, love having sex with you too, it's just different" stuff... but it just doesnt do it for me. My ego or self esteem needs to know I can do that too, or at least same ballpark lol.

You need to listen to her and work on the WHY you're so concerned with this, and why you're insecure; what about the orgasm differences are so affecting you? You also have to learn to be okay with things just being different and you not being able to do it too.


This is one of those times where you need to be massively introspective and really dig at the root of this insecurity before you stop feeling this way.

I honestly agree with all the above advice as well

 

[Robert84]

Well I am so new to this that I had to Google what OPP was lol. Not something we even talked about it, though had it come up, I would have probably suggested it. But yeah, I would definitely have to agree with you. Definitely not safer. Hahaha

I think it's less about not knowing what to do (me and our new gf have lots of good times and no issues whatsoever). It's definitely more of a mental/communication barrier for my wife and I... our relationship has been rocky over the last couple of years since kids came in the picture (though we had made things pretty solid again before this lifestyle fell into our laps). This is all very fresh, talking about 1 month, if that. She is just learning what her body can do as well, so isn't even too confident communicating about it yet.

As far as the fun vs. competition part, that is definitely part of the mindset shift I have been working on. She is coming over tonight after work to hang out with both of us, and my anxiety is surprisingly non-existent. Been doing lots of reading and chatting and beginning to wrap my head around this whole thing. I am feeling pretty solid about it actually.

Our new girl put it nicely... "Every guy that you know would probably fight to the death to be in your situation." So yeah, definitely not eff'ing this up.

 

[ElMango]

I think it's less about not knowing what to do (me and our new gf have lots of good times and no issues whatsoever).

My ex meta and I had completely different tastes in how sex went. We orgasmed in different ways too. So judging how sex works between Person A and Person B as the rule for between person A and Person C doesn't work so well.

It's definitely more of a mental/communication barrier for my wife and I... our relationship has been rocky over the last couple of years since kids came in the picture (though we had made things pretty solid again before this lifestyle fell into our laps).

Rocky how? Rocky why? Has your GF had kids? Being pregnant changes your body and can affect peoples sexual relationships in a way they basically have to relearn their bodies with themselves, their long term partners...so adding in a new partner with a body that has changed with age and children it's a lot.

Really read GalaGirls post

 

[GalaGirl]

Thank you for more info.

It's definitely more of a mental/communication barrier for my wife and I... our relationship has been rocky over the last couple of years since kids came in the picture (though we had made things pretty solid again before this lifestyle fell into our laps). This is all very fresh, talking about 1 month, if that. She is just learning what her body can do as well, so isn't even too confident communicating about it yet.

Well...New people came. (kids) And it took a bit to smooth out with a new dynamic. (You + Kid 1) , (Wife + Kid 1), (You + Wife + Kid 1). Then that all changed again when Kid 2 arrived and so on.

If this whole thing is not even a month in? There's this new person again Could decide to be ok with change and feeling a bit weird for now. Give it time for things to smooth out with new dynamics. Check that your expectations are realistic and reasonable.

You sound like you want more communication from wife but she's not ready to communicate about some things. And does she really have to be telling you about her sex life with new GF? Other than safer sex practices -- why's it any of your business? Again... group sex is not a requirement. If watching them together makes you feel weird, skip it. Your consent to participate in things belongs to YOU.

Or if you all like the group sex thing? Maybe choose NOT have it right NOW when things are so new. Bring group sex on board later down when each leg of the triangle is a little more steady on its own.

Don't be like kid in a candy store trying to do ALL the things at once. Maybe that is part of the reason you are all anxious and stressed. Doing too many new things at once?

It is OK for the (new GF + wife) dynamic to be different than (you + new gf) and (you + wife.) Which is ALSO different from (you + wife + GF) all together. Whether in a group sex context or not. It's a whole other dynamic. You are not carbon copies of each other. It is NOT a competition. Don't make it be one.

The "old normal" is gone. The "new normal" isn't totally here yet. It's ok for things to feel weird. In fact it is normal for things to feel weird.

As strange as it sounds? Don't get too wrapped up in the "group sex" high. Or the "I have a new GF" high. Do normal stuff in there too that doesn't give you a high. Boring stuff. Like raking the lawn. Dishes after dinner. Just hang out to watch TV and NO sex.

Because it gets exhausting to be always on high stimulus, go go go. Rest has to happen too. Maybe some of the stress is from pacing -- too much too fast. Like enjoy the NRE lalas, but think about life balance too. Your attention has to go toward your self care, your kids, your spouse, your GF, your family, your other friends, your work, your hobbies, etc. Not all piled up on new GF things. YKWIM?

Galagirl

 

[1234567]

Have you tried asking your new partner to show you shat she does with your wife? I found that the best part of group sex— learning from others .

Also, I’m hyperorgasmic. 30-60 times a session is normal with some partners.

I have had partners who have gone with that— a TON— and whole
I love it, it’s not always the best way of having sex.

I have one who figured how to edge me to get me to come once. That was pretty spectacular. Sometimes I envy those that come once.

I actually like best in the middle— like, 12-20 times. And more than that, I like the variety.

So you should A. learn how to do what your partner does to your wife, and B. Get to the pint you can ask your wife what she would like today. And from you.


I’ve taught people how to hit my sweet spot by encouraging what I need. Your wife will too. But first you have to be non-threatened, and then you have to listen

 

[dingedheart]

Hey Robert welcome to the forum.

I read your post and briefly scan some of the replies so I’m pretty sure I’m not going to repeat what someone else has already said.

Here is the only issue that I am having trouble processing and working through. The first time we were togethe my wife had somewhere like five or six orgasms, and I was not as actively involved as I would have liked. My wife has never had multiple orgasms before and would always be too sensitive after coming and would make me stop. Well she now knows that she can come, hard, many many times with our new girl. When she has sex with me, I have gotten her off once, usually... but since the triad started, maybe twice in one session. She says that does not matter, but with my typical Male ego I can't wrap my head around that. How can 6 orgasms not be objectively better than 1 or 2? (Note: with new girl, these were also very intense orgasms, all of them, so we cant say the quantity vs. Quality argument)

.

I agree 6 certainly must have been better in that moment or else why do it. And generally it’s been my experience when high orgasm counts are achieved the participants look back on that as something special/ memorable.

Im not sure what a typical male ego is but specifically how do you think your sexual ego has developed. Have you had an extensive history or just a few we’ll connected lovers ?? When you decided to go down this road ( opening up ) it never occurred that different partners can and will be better at sex as in anything/ everything in life.

It is causing some weirdness because the bar has been set so high. How do I be okay with this? How can I make myself not feel like less than? Its causing anxiety and tension and is making things weird when my wife and I are intimate.
She gives me the whole, "I love you more than anything, life partner, love having sex with you too, it's just different" stuff... but it just doesnt do it for me. My ego or self esteem needs to know I can do that too, or at least same ballpark lol. (Other side note, when I am with our new girl, we have great sex that we are both very satisfied with).
I know it seems immature or insecure or what have you.... but I am having trouble working through it.

I think your wife and some of the other posters are being kind and PC trying sooth your bruised ego and that great but there might be some value in admitting are going to be other people female and males out there that can out perform you.

I don’t know what’s in people’s hearts and minds but I think in the vast majority case where “ different “ is used it code for something else. Quick test ask your friends and co workers if they could rate all their past and present lovers. I have yet to have someone say they’re all about the same just different. What they do say is he / she was a great lover but was a liar, cheat, psycho, or had some disgusting personal habit which out weighed their sexual attributes.


A couple other things that you might not be aware of because this is all new to you. 1) TRIADS very rarely workout long term.

2) once open it’s hard to go back meaning your male ego might have to confront the fact another guys dick is bigger or stays harder longer than yours. We seen numerous threads about these situations starting out one way and then morphing into something very different.



And Karen: What’s wrong with an orgasm derby I think I won 40 buck at one.

 

[FallenAngelina]

Hats off to the creative spam placement, but......reported.

 

[Magdlyn]

It is interesting that spam resuscitated this thread, just when we were discussing the value of orgasms on another thread.

(the What's Your Number? thread) http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=107503&page=4

I read your post, and briefly scanned some of the replies, so I’m pretty sure I’m not going to repeat what someone else has already said.

I agree, 6 orgasms certainly must have been better in that moment, or else why do it? And generally, it’s been my experience that when high orgasm counts are achieved by the participants, they look back on that as something special and memorable.

I'm not sure what a typical male ego is, but specifically, how do you think your sexual ego has developed? Have you had an extensive history, or just a few well connected lovers? When you decided to go down this road (opening up), it never occurred to you that different partners can and will be better at sex, as in anything/everything in life?

I think your wife, and some of the other posters, are being kind and PC, trying soothe your bruised ego, and that's great. But there might be some value in admitting that there are going to be other people out there, both female and male, that can out-perform you.

I don’t know what’s in people’s hearts and minds, but I think, in the vast majority of cases, where "different" is used, it is code for something else. Quick test: ask your friends and coworkers to rate all their past and present lovers. I have yet to have someone say they’re all about the same, just different. What they do say is he/she was a great lover, but was a liar, a cheat, a psycho, or had some disgusting personal habit which out-weighed their sexual attributes.

A couple of other things that you might not be aware of, because this is all new to you:

1) Triads very rarely work out long term.

2) Once you're open, it’s hard to go back. Meaning, your male ego might have to confront the fact that another guy's dick is bigger, or stays harder longer than yours. We have seen numerous threads about these situations starting out one way and then morphing into something very different.

And Karen: What’s wrong with an orgasm derby? I think I won 40 bucks at one.

What are we learning on these 2 threads?

1) Many guys think of sex as a performance, not as shared pleasure. Performance may imply competition with other men, or even with their partner's female other partner.

2) Some women enjoy 10-30 orgasms, to the point where you lose count.

3) Some women are capable of multiple orgasms, but may not WANT to cum that many times in a session.

4) Some men, without consent, force women to cum over and over again, just because they like to see that, even if the women protest.

5) Some people find that orgasms give an overall indication of how satisfying a sex session is. Others do not need orgasms to feel satisfied.

6) Some women orgasm often and well on their own, even better than with a lover. When with a lover, the orgasms are less important than having a partner to play with in general.

7) Some women (me, for example) cum better with a partner, and while they can edge for a long time and enjoy 2 or 3 O's on their own, they like partnered sex better partly because they can cum many many more times, and more intensely, with another person's touch.

 

[dingedheart]

I don’t understand what the context creative spam placement is in this thread ?


Mags : I’m not sure men actually thinking about sex as a performance or rather that’s the language the medical community uses to discussed the issue of getting or maintaining an erection. The penis is failing to perform as a sex organ in that situation. If your knee doesn’t bend or move it’s failing to perform as designed as well.

Competition: The scenario painted in this thread brings to bare the inherent inequities in sexual performance ( oops there’s that word again ) and the emotional reactions or emotional weight attached to said activity.

One of the big suggestions here is don’t talk about what goes on behind closed doors even if asked you’re suppose to lie and say it’s just different. This is where the honest and open communication part gets dropped and lying is ok. Why is that ?? My guess is no one wants to find out they suck in bed ....or suck in comparison to the new lover and then all sorts of bad things happen form there.


Your list of 1-7 . Fortunately or unfortunately being as old as I am none of these points is news to me. In fact this exactly what I’ve experienced over the yrs except for #4 ...I never did that and I’ve don’t know anyone that ever said they did that.

 

[FallenAngelina]

I don’t understand what the context creative spam placement is in this thread ?

The spam post was removed.

 

[Magdlyn]

Mags: I’m not sure men are actually thinking about sex as a performance, or if rather that’s the language the medical community uses to discuss the issue of getting or maintaining an erection. The penis is failing to perform as a sex organ in that situation. If your knee doesn’t bend or move it’s failing to perform as designed as well.

Come on, dinged, men talk about their "performance" all the time here. Maybe it's a medical term, but men have adopted it to describe this situation. Certainly, the media drills it into us in ads. Oddly, it doesn't even refer to sexual skills all the time, but just to the erection or lack thereof.

One of our female members is talking about her sexual performance in her blog right now. I'd never really heard a woman use that word to describe her sexual skills! I'm 64 and I'd never heard it. I wonder if many women call their sexual skills and abilities a "performance"?

As far as the word performance being used to describe how any body part works, I think the more common word is function. I could see a doctor saying, "I'm concerned about your liver's function," not, "your liver's performance." Right?

Performance of a penis is more than function, it's emotionally weighted, and the inability to get or maintain an erection is usually seen to be a personal failing, which is shameful. Even if you're an older guy past say, 40, if your penis isn't "performing" or "functioning" as it did when you were 16, it's seen as a shameful thing, a personal failing for which you deserve to be judged. It's not just seen as a fact of life concurrent with a lesser amount of testosterone, that should just be accepted. I totally agree with your next paragraph.

Competition: The scenario painted in this thread brings to bear the inherent inequities in sexual performance (oops, there’s that word again) and the emotional reactions or emotional weight attached to said activity.

That is key. If my heart isn't functioning perfectly, there's no shame in it. There might be fear, but there isn't shame, there isn't a feeling of "Shit, I'm a loser." (Our member said she feels like a "loser" because of physical limitations around sex).

One of the big suggestions here is: don’t talk about what goes on behind closed doors. Even if asked, you’re supposed to lie, and say it’s just different. This is where the honest and open communication part gets dropped, and lying is OK. Why is that? My guess is, no one wants to find out they suck in bed, or suck in comparison to the new lover. And then all sorts of bad things happen from there.

I don't think that poly people are cautioned to not talk about their sex with one lover, to their other lover, to reduce competition. Maybe that is part of it. I think primarily it's to maintain privacy. But yes, it does reduce the competition, if you tend to feel competitive. I don't think anyone is saying we should lie. I think we encourage discretion. Don't "kiss and tell." It's a violation of privacy, and even of decency, to broadcast how someone is in bed.

Personally, one of the things I like about poly is the variety. Even the variety of sexual styles. Variety of everything. Bodies, genitals, hair and eye color, varying heights and ages, and all the personality styles too: humor, intelligence, hobbies and interests, past histories, etc., etc. So, comparison is not key for me. I embrace the differences. That's the whole point. I can get excited thinking about past lovers who were very tall, freckled and redhaired; muscular with ebony black skin; short stature, olive skinned Mediterranean with amazing black hair; female, 6 feet tall and curvy; etc., etc.

That's not to say I have not been with people who are bad in bed. Some people just are. It might be a physical problem. It might be lack of imagination. It might be shyness. Lack of experience. Inhibitions. I think if you want to feel you've got good sexual skills, you can improve them, by reading and practicing, by having different lovers who teach you fun things, even by working out in the gym, and doing Kegels, etc. It takes a degree of fitness to be able to fuck as well as possible, and to have good sex last for more than a few minutes. That's just undeniable.

One thing that is a mixed blessing is mainstream porn. There, men learn how not to have sex. First of all, they think they need 8 inch or bigger cocks. They think they don't have to do more than a few seconds of kissing. They do not learn how to do breast play, other than tit fucking. They are not exposed to how to properly go down on a woman very much. They aren't shown how to finger bang either.

In porn, I see men neglecting women's nipples and clits. I see the women having to touch their own nipples and clits most of the time. Ugh. I see women going down on each other with skill, but I don't see men with oral skills very often.

Most porn is all about what feels good to men. So it's all about blow jobs that go on for ages, and about fucking hard and fast, and for ages. Therefore, it's all about having a large hard cock in porn. I think that is one place "performance" is overly emphasized.