Mono/poly relationship: Prioritise his or my needs?

[Sandrahelen89]

Hi all,
I am new to this forum and new to polyamory. I have been in a committed monogamous relationship with a man for 3 years and our relationship is great (I'll refer to him as my long-term partner). A few weeks ago I met another man and fell deeply in love. After some soul-searching I realised I am polyamorous, and have always been. I feel like a puzzle feel into place.
My long-term partner (who strongly identifies as monogamous) obviously struggles with the situation, and he does not understand what this means for me yet. In addition, we are both facing very busy and critical times at work, especially him, writing up his PhD thesis and defending in a few weeks time. We both have important grant applications to write so that we can land our future jobs in the same city. A few days ago I suggested to him that I could put the contact with my new love (I will call him that despite not having dared to share with my long-term partner how deep my feelings for the new person runs) on ice until he defends his thesis which is 4-6 weeks ahead. He agreed to this (obviously) and has actually become much more open-minded and respectful to me after that. I feel the conversation is progressing. Me on the other hand is breaking down on the inside, experiencing a deep heartbreak from having to keep away from my new love. My new love and I strongly believe that a few weeks is nothing in the long run and he supports whatever is best for me and my first partner. But I am still hurting not being able to talk with him and it is killing my work productivity severely.
So I'm basically in a situation where I have to choose between my own and my long-term partner's needs. What should I do?

-S

 

[GalaGirl]

https://consciousreminder.com/2017/06/27/amazing-brain-science-love/


Did you clarify what "on ice" means before making this agreement? Does that mean zero contact? Or low contact -- like a call once every 2 weeks?

I think if you want the shot at having both partners? Keep the agreement, clock the time and deal with your "withdrawal" symptoms from the NRE "high" while waiting. Your brain does hormone wackies when in NRE. But you are still an adult -- not a kid.

It's only 4-6 weeks. It's not like 4-6 years.

But I am still hurting not being able to talk with him and it is killing my work productivity severely.

Could get a journal and write whatever it is you want to talk to him about during the wait. Then give it to him for a present at the end.

Galagirl

 

[Marcus]

So I'm basically in a situation where I have to choose between my own and my long-term partner's needs. What should I do?

I always try to err on the side of being honest with myself, being honest with the people around me, and doing what is most likely to enable me to flourish. Authenticity is the name of the game (for me).

Whatever you decide to do, my only real advice would be to be honest with your loved ones.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Sandrahelen89,

I guess my vote is to keep the contact with your new love on ice, because even if 4-6 weeks feels like forever, it is in reality a temporary situation, and your new love has agreed to do it. I like GalaGirl's suggestion to write whatever you want to tell him, then give it to him at the end of the wait as a gift. Would this work for you as a compromise?

I hope you're able to work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Leetah]

Yeah, dropping emotional bombs on someone getting ready for their PhD. defense is not nice. Your new love and all the nifty endorphins are REALLY hard to do without when you are under presure but your partner could be devestated if he flubs his defense or his thesis.

Leetah

 

[WhatHappened]

Yeah, dropping emotional bombs on someone getting ready for their PhD. defense is not nice. Your new love and all the nifty endorphins are REALLY hard to do without when you are under presure but your partner could be devestated if he flubs his defense or his thesis.

Leetah

100% Yes.

What should you do? Grow up and realize that exactly as Leetah said, you dropped an emotional bomb on someone who loved and trusted you, just as he's going into a critical point in his life. You'll be fine for a few weeks. Let him at least get through this.

 

[Sandrahelen89]

Thank you all for the advice. I am still upholding the agreement of no communication, even though it is difficult and I have no motivation for writing my own proposal. I can uphold the agreement, but I can't change my feelings and my mood. I can choose not to dump these on my partner, but keeping our agreement on being honest, I also can't pretend that I'm joyful and content either. This all happened at a very inconvenient time, but this is also out of my control.
Writing down my thoughts and feelings is something I have done for a while, and although it alleviates some of the pain, I'm still not able to function properly.
I also feel like adding a final note: I am not going to assume any intention behind some of the comments above, but some of them make me feel belittled and shamed simply for finding this situation difficult. Comments like "grow up" are hurtful, judgemental and not helpful and I'm sure you can all understand that situations like these are difficult even when you are really trying your best to do the right thing.

 

[dingedheart]

. I can uphold the agreement, but I can't change my feelings and my mood. I can choose not to dump these on my partner, but keeping our agreement on being honest, I also can't pretend that I'm joyful and content either. This all happened at a very inconvenient time, but this is also out of my control .

Is the agreement of being honest something that was added or came out of this current situation or is that a standing agreement that was in place yrs before ?


I tend to agree with you timing is bad but it’s out of your control and your thoughts feeling / general emotional temperature really is going to convey a message or theme. To me it’s pretending / going through the motions until there’s a good time to be upset destroyed. If a freak accident kills a love one is there a good time for that.?

You mentioned in the op writing grant proposals in the same city. Wonder if knowing the truth he might decide differently.

Also you said in the op he’s struggling because” he doesn’t know what that means for me yet.” May I suggest He doesn’t know what it means for him.
He who strongly identifies as mono is realizing he’s about to become a fraction. One of ( x ) in his romantic life.

So basically I’m in a situation where I have to choose between my own or my long term partners needs. What should I do.

What specific needs are we talking about here. Your happiness dating/having sex with your new guy. And or his need to NOT be upset during the final approach to his PHD. ??? Are these really needs ??

 

[ElMango]

Sandra,

I feel like you tend to feel things very deeply and strongly, and I know in times like this that can be a detriment.

There is nothing wrong with feeling things strongly, but you will want to find ways to manage yourself when negative emotions flare up. Life goes on, even when we're struggling.

 

[Magdlyn]

I also feel like adding a final note: I am not going to assume any intention behind some of the comments above, but some of them make me feel belittled and shamed simply for finding this situation difficult. Comments like "grow up" are hurtful, judgemental and not helpful and I'm sure you can all understand that situations like these are difficult even when you are really trying your best to do the right thing.

I agree telling you to "grow up" is unhelpful and harsh. WhatHappened is anti-polyamory and comes here to throw buckets of cold water on situations.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi all,
I am new to this forum and new to polyamory. I have been in a committed monogamous relationship with a man for 3 years and our relationship is great (I'll refer to him as my long-term partner).

A few weeks ago I met another man and fell deeply in love. After some soul-searching I realised I am polyamorous, and have always been. I feel like a puzzle feel into place.

My long-term partner (who strongly identifies as monogamous) obviously struggles with the situation, and he does not understand what this means for me yet. In addition, we are both facing very busy and critical times at work, especially him, writing up his PhD thesis and defending in a few weeks time. We both have important grant applications to write so that we can land our future jobs in the same city.

A few days ago I suggested to him that I could put the contact with my new love (I will call him that despite not having dared to share with my long-term partner how deep my feelings for the new person runs) on ice until he defends his thesis which is 4-6 weeks ahead. He agreed to this (obviously) and has actually become much more open-minded and respectful to me after that. I feel the conversation is progressing.

I, on the other hand, am breaking down on the inside, experiencing a deep heartbreak from having to keep away from my new love. My new love and I strongly believe that a few weeks is nothing in the long run and he supports whatever is best for me and my first partner. But I am still hurting not being able to talk with him and it is killing my work productivity severely.

So I'm basically in a situation where I have to choose between my own and my long-term partner's needs. What should I do?

-S

I do agree you did the right thing to step back from lots of communication with your "new love" right now at this critical time for both your and your long term partner's careers and futures!

"Dropping the poly bomb" is a huge issue in a formerly monogamous relationship. It generally takes 1 or even 2 years for the partner who expected and desired monogamy to get used to the idea. You, yourself, know nothing about what being polyamorous entails. Feeling love for 2 people (which in early days may seem like love, but it actually attraction and infatuation) is one thing. It's common, it's the plot of many many Hollywood movies and books. But actually practicing polyamory is a whole other thing.

It involved excellent communication, big doses of respect for your partners, negotiations about time and energy to put into each relationship, reassurance given and accepted, mature long term planning, exquisite tact, etc., etc.

There is time management. How much time to devote to older partner? To newer partner? To yourself ("me time"), to work, family, platonic friends, hobbies.

So, taking a break from pursuing an actual regular relationship right now does not give you that instant gratification your hormones are screaming for, but it will pay long term dividends. Do the best you can to put it on a back burner for now. The pain of missing new guy will lessen as time goes on and your brain's sense outweighs your lust and mixed up emotions. Give yourself a stern talking to. You don't want to lose both your career and your longterm partner over what might be a new relationship, but also has a good chance of not working out.

 

[Sandrahelen89]

Sandra,

I feel like you tend to feel things very deeply and strongly, and I know in times like this that can be a detriment.

There is nothing wrong with feeling things strongly, but you will want to find ways to manage yourself when negative emotions flare up. Life goes on, even when we're struggling.

Tell me about it.. how many times have I wished that I would feel things on the same level as most people around me. But as a highly sensitive person, I don't have the choice to just shut it off. I sure try, but I have never learned that skill of putting an emotion or thought into the mental container and put a lid on it until further notice. This is happening right now and I feel like I'm the most horrible person for realising all of these things now...

 

[Sandrahelen89]

Is the agreement of being honest something that was added or came out of this current situation or is that a standing agreement that was in place yrs before ?


I tend to agree with you timing is bad but it’s out of your control and your thoughts feeling / general emotional temperature really is going to convey a message or theme. To me it’s pretending / going through the motions until there’s a good time to be upset destroyed. If a freak accident kills a love one is there a good time for that.?

You mentioned in the op writing grant proposals in the same city. Wonder if knowing the truth he might decide differently.

Also you said in the op he’s struggling because” he doesn’t know what that means for me yet.” May I suggest He doesn’t know what it means for him.
He who strongly identifies as mono is realizing he’s about to become a fraction. One of ( x ) in his romantic life.





What specific needs are we talking about here. Your happiness dating/having sex with your new guy. And or his need to NOT be upset during the final approach to his PHD. ??? Are these really needs ??

The agreement to be honest right away was something we decided a year ago.

Writing the proposal is in the end my decision. I have a great opportunity to work with good people, and our future relationship state isn't going to change the fact that it is my choice. And even if the relationship does end, I can still choose to not accept it, so I don't see why this makes a difference.

The new person is separated by a big pond and time zone from me, so when I say putting contact on ice it means stopping communication by texting and video calls. There is no chance that a physical relationship is going to be established at this stage anyways, because of that. And if we do establish some form of relationship, we are not going to live in the same time zone in years.

I'm sorry for not being clear what needs I were referring to: both me and my partner's need to focus on work, and being mentally stable enough to perform well. Personally I would be in a much better state of I would at least be allowed to share a weekly update with my new person (in the form of a picture or a short text). Would that be unreasonable for me to ask at this point? It's not that I expect a yes of I ask, I'm actually just terrified of even asking, because of my partner's potential reaction. He has responded very poorly to my requests or shared feelings in the past.

 

[Sandrahelen89]

I agree telling you to "grow up" is unhelpful and harsh. WhatHappened is anti-polyamory and comes here to throw buckets of cold water on situations.

Thanks for letting me know. In the jungle of judgement I have received even from my closest friends in the last weeks it is really difficult to continue to trust my own gut feelings for what I actually want for my life. It does not help that I live in one of the most traditional cities in Europe and come from a very traditional and narrow-minded family (that I'm probably not ever going to share any of this with).

 

[ElMango]

This is happening right now and I feel like I'm the most horrible person for realising all of these things now...

Life has a way of having the literal worst timing. But, I know as someone who feels things loud and deep myself, what I do in times like this, is use the time TO sort my feelings and really spend my upset energies on being productive with dealing with them. Like how if you're mad you work out, when I'm sad I turn inwards and spend a lot of time on self development

 

[WhatHappened]

I agree telling you to "grow up" is unhelpful and harsh. WhatHappened is anti-polyamory and comes here to throw buckets of cold water on situations.

Magdlyn, I don't believe I have ever told anyone what you really think or your motivations. You, in turn, may refrain from speaking for me.

I am anti HOW SOME PEOPLE DO polyamory. Huge difference. Read through enough threads and MOST people here are against how many people are doing polyamory, because they're doing it in ways that hurt others.

I come here for the same reason you do: to tell people what I think may ultimately help them--or to tell them when I think what they're doing is wrong or harmful to others.

I think that suddenly deciding "I'm in love, I must be poly and now would be a good time to drop this bomb on someone who loves and trusts me and is on the brink of finishing his Ph.D. is a VERY good way to throw cold water, and worse, on a situation.

but some of them make me feel belittled and shamed simply for finding this situation difficult.

With all due respect, you did not write here merely to tell us your feelings [that you find the situation difficult.] You came here to ask what you should do. [Honor your agreement with your long term partner or decide that speaking with the new guy within the next few weeks is a 'need' and deciding that your 'needs' take precedence over your boyfriend's needs.]

Interestingly, I've given the same advice as Gala Girl, Leetah, kdt, and magdlyn herself: Keep the communication on ice. Honor your agreement.

Honoring agreements and not deciding our wants are 'needs' is part of being an adult and a person of honor. Being pro or anti polyamory has nothing to do with it. Watch enough threads, and you'll see plenty of people here not sugar-coating their words to others. I wonder if they're all anti-polyamory, too.

 

[dingedheart]

Interestingly, I've given the same advice as Gala Girl, Leetah, kdt, and magdlyn herself: Keep the communication on ice. Honor your agreement.

I get what everyone is saying but to me ITS not being honest ...and definitely not radical honesty. It’s pretend honesty. When there’s a better time I’ll tell you what’s REALLY GOING ON. As a result I vote for dropping the full anvil now. And yes negotiate for a weekly update, pictures and text. See Actually small steps could be the best. Wade into the pool.

Also it’s impossible to know how well or how bad someone will react to anything. And what their ability to function will be. Everyone thinks they can second guess these things. People said many times to me “ I know how hard divorce is ....to me that wasn’t all that hard.

 

[GalaGirl]

Tell me about it.. how many times have I wished that I would feel things on the same level as most people around me. Bt as a highly sensitive person, I don't have the choice to just shut it off. I sure try, but I have never learned that skill of putting an emotion or thought into the mental container and put a lid on it until further notice. This is happening right now and I feel like I'm the most horrible person for realising all of these things now...

Are you getting help with this? Cuz you realize things when you realize them. There's no need for calling you names like "horrible" because you couldn't realize something faster than you could take it in. Being your own self bully doesn't help.

If you are a highly sensitive person... are you ABLE to handle poly? More people = more things to feel. Everything in life cannot be set to the toggle of

• Important AND urgent.

You have to figure out what level things come in on.

• Important AND urgent. (House is on fire! Everyone get out! All other things suspended!)
• Important, but not urgent. (Have to pay my pill by the 15th. There's a deadline, but there's time.)
• Not important. But urgent. (Gotta pee. But I'm not peeing here at the gas station yucky bathroom. I can wait to gas up and do grocery next door and pee there in the nicer bathroom.)
• Not important. Not urgent. (Junk mail on the kitchen table. If it stays there another week or month, nobody cares.)

Would that be unreasonable for me to ask at this point? It's not that I expect a yes if I ask. I'm actually just terrified of even asking, because of my partner's potential reaction. He has responded very poorly to my requests or shared feelings in the past.

If you made an preliminary agreement with existing partner? I assume the terms were suitable to each of you. If you go around agreeing to things that aren't actually agreeable to you? You are the one doing that. Cut it out.

If it is that you thought you were good in theory, but in practice are now finding you cannot keep it? Asking for what you need is not unreasonable. Could say "I tried it for a week but discovered this is harder than I first thought. I would function better with a weekly short text. Would you be willing to renegotiate that small bit with me so this agreement can become keepable? Then I promise on my end to shelve any more talk until after the work is completed so it's not all stress things at once."

It's fair to ask for a tweak. It's not fair to keep on moving the goal posts all over the place every minute. That's a drag.

That said... if you are TERRIFIED of your partner? You might have bigger problems than both of you having some big work thing going on, you struggling with your (crush person/potential/whatever you call it) being out of contact, or you wanting a tweak an original agreement so it is more keepable.

What behavior is your established partner doing/did he do that makes you feel terrified?

Galagirl

 

[Inaniel]

You have made a long distance friend, and fallen in love.

You are lying to your partner about being in love with your long distance friend.

From the perspective of your long term partner, is this friend platonic or does he know that you have romantic/sexual desires for this person?

I ask because i am trying to put the puzzle together.

Your partner asked you to put the relationship on ice, when said relationship does not sound all that immediately threatening.

You are scared of how your partner reacts, and he strongly identifies as monogamous. Which is the original boundary of your relationship.

This is starting to sound like a ticking time bomb.

I personally feel like you should be honest with your partner about being in love with your friend. I don’t think it’s harsh for him to have the truth. And if he wants to postpone talking about it until after he finishes this milestone in his life, so be it, that is his decision to make. But right now he is not operating with all of the information to make a decision for himself.

I have to ask, do you think this long distance friend is really love with relationship potential? It sounds like your partner has been really busy; is it possible that this long distance friend developed out of stress and neglect? Not trying to diminish your connection with said friend, however this could be worth thinking about. Your partner will likely come out of this busy time, once that happens your priorities may become clearer.

i have a feeling you have a lot of heart ache ahead. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Magdlyn]

Ohh, so when you said you "met a man," I had thought you meant you'd actually met someone in person.

So, somehow, online, you met someone? Or maybe you met him quickly at a conference or something, overseas, or he came to your country... You are in
"the most traditional city" in Europe and he is in the US (or Canada, S America, I don't know). Something like that. And you're not likely to be in the same country, much less state or province, county or city, for many years to come. But somehow there seemed to be a big click, and a crush, and "love." Was there cybersex, sharing of pix or videos, already too? Because sexual behavior can really ramp up feelings, even cybersex. (You don't have to answer that publicly; this isn't an inquisition, just something to think about.)

So. You were already (sneaking, cheating on a monogamous agreement?) in frequent daily contact with this guy? There was a mono agreement with your longterm bf. He is conservative, like your city residents tend to be? You're terrified to tell him you've got a crush (or more) on another man. But you did. He appreciated the honesty? You told him you'd stop speaking to Other Guy until the doctorate gets sorted. That's hard. You want to get up some courage to ask for a short texting session once a week.

So. Let's say, you ask and bf says, OK, once a week a short texting session. Or, no, he's not comfortable with even that, he's jealous, he's upset, his career is at stake; you're not "allowed" to chat with New Guy at all.

Either one or the other... you get through the next few weeks. He defends his thesis. Then what? Say bf agrees to you having daily conversations with New Guy. What is the future? Just texting... for years? Forever? Until texting gets boring and frustrating and you start spending hundreds or a thousand dollars to visit each other on a regular basis? Or until you just give up and concentrate on what is in your city? This long term bf. Or another local partner if this one loses interest in polyamorous you.