Protection when my loved one's bf is cheating on his wife

A

Alover

New member
Hi everyone, new here and would appreciate responses from this community ...

I have moved in with my loved one and we have an intimate, deep relationship that is physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual ... a true mate.

She has a sex boyfriend she sees once every few months who travels for work, and this bf is cheating on his wife with my loved one.

They haven't used protection because a recent screening test (for my loved one and I both) came back negative. So she doesn't think it's a risk, but mostly, her bf doesn't want to use them.

We both know a test on one partner does not mean the other partner is healthy.

I am asking her to use condoms with him because he is cheating and could be having other relationships, let alone what his wife is doing, etc.

I'm also thinking about the long-term, not just the next time. I want her to have this fun and enjoyable relationship, but I also want these relationships to be sustainable.

I also have another lover with a family and in talking to my other lover and her husband both we all agree that protection is warranted between my loved one and her boyfriend. I use condoms with this other lover in any case.

The bf doesn't see my loved one often, the relationship is physical. He claims his wife doesn't like sex, and that my loved one is his only partner other than his wife, and other stuff that I question.

For me, since he lies to loved ones I can't trust what he says. Plus things could always change and his behaviour tells me that protection is important.

This may seem obvious to everybody but I really need some community responses on this so that I can stay strong in my self love through the situation.

I'm afraid I might lose my loved one but I hope we can get through it, I just need some confirmation that I am not off base.

I love my partner very much but I think this could be something that might be a showstopper for me. I don't want to lose a beautiful relationship if I am being unreasonable, please help me?

My loved one and I are fluid bonded, which is an incredibly beautiful and meaningful experience as many know. We share everything, and have talked about this at length. I don't want to start using condoms with this loved one again because our relationship is incredibly deep and wide and it just seems wrong to me that I would have to use them with her and her boyfriend wouldn't. Call it ego maybe, but also, call it safe?

The last time she saw him, we both got tested afterwards but I don't want to keep getting tested every time she sees him every couple months, and wait for the test results, etc.

I'm posting here because I have read so many articles, talked to my doctor, close friends and everyone tells me protection is called for but I don't have a lot of ethically non-monogamous friends.

Help please.
 
cataniaj said:
protection is called for
Click to expand...

Of course it is, but if your loved one is refusing to use it with this BF, then how beautiful and meaningful can your relationship with her really be? The use (or not) of protection is a huge aspect of any intimate relationship and provides quite a "tell" for how intimate it actually is. Everyone in agreement about protection is a baseline for a healthy poly network. Given the dodgy circumstances of the BF, it certainly falls on him to use condoms. You can't make him use them. You can't make your loved one want to use them, either. If she doesn't want to use them with the BF (which clearly she does not - otherwise, condoms would be in use) then your recourse is to either stand by your values or betray your values. Your loved one is clearly aware of your values and doesn't abide by your request, so your choice is to either remain in that relationship or step away.

Doesn't sound like a "lack of communication" issue, it sounds like a "things aren't as great as you think" issue.
 
Last edited:
I think most reasonable people will agree that your girlfriend and her boyfriend should use condoms. But, even if we all agree that they should use condoms, it won't change anything. Presumably, your girlfriend is very aware of how you feel about this topic and she's made it clear that she'd rather forgo sex with you while waiting for test results to come back than to use condoms with boyfriend. It's her body and she gets to choose what to do with it...same as you get to choose what to do with yours. The way I see it, you have a few choices. I've listed a few, you can add to the list:
  • stay in the relationship & always use condoms with gf
  • stay in the relationship, keep doing what you're doing (which you're obviously not happy with)
  • stay in the relationship but avoid any sexual contact you deem risky with gf
  • leave the relationship
The thing is if you were happy with things as they are, you wouldn't be here, asking this question. It obviously bothers you that gf won't use condoms with her other bf. Are you also unhappy that gf is willing to date someone who is cheating on his wife? It really doesn't sound like your values mesh...which increases the likelihood you'll have more of these types of issues the longer you're in the relationship.
 
This arrangement is already not ethical since Loved One's play partner is cheating. There is no way of determining how healthy he is, or might be, if he actually has several other partners he is also doing bareback. He may NOT be lying to Loved One, that she is his only partner, but then again, how are you really sure? Also, it is possible he is having unprotected sex with his wife, and she is having unprotected sex with others. I don't get why Loved One isn't alarmed at all the unknowns.

I have been fluid bonded with 3 men who I knew 100% absolutely were monogamous to me. I wouldn't fluid bond with someone who is having sex with another person bareback. I make an exception for my nesting partner since her only other partner is single except for her. And we are both tested twice a year even so.

In this situation you open yourself up to a whole line of people you don't know the health of. It's like you're having sex with any and all people Loved One's play partner is having sex with (and their other lovers, if any!). If she only sees him a few times a year, goodness knows what he's really getting up to sexually.

I'm afraid you'll have to give up fluid bonding with Loved One, unless
1) she uses condoms with this guy, or
2) she doesn't do penetrative sex with him (penis in vagina or anus), and
3) she only does digital and oral sex. Some people might not even do oral sex without condoms, but personally I allow it, since the risks are negligable.
4) you trust Loved One 100% to follow these requirements and never slip up, or
5) Loved One breaks up with bf


Good luck. Loved One needs to be an adult about this.
 
Re oral: I had chlamydia in my throat and gums once when I was a young adult. Sure, antibiotics cleared it up, but I got really good at putting a condom on with my mouth after that.
 
cataniaj said:
This may seem obvious to everybody but I really need some community responses on this so that I can stay strong in my self love through the situation.

I'm afraid I might lose my loved one but I hope we can get through it, I just need some confirmation that I am not off base.
. . .

I'm posting here because I have read so many articles, talked to my doctor, close friends and everyone tells me protection is called for but I don't have a lot of ethically non-monogamous friends.

Help please.
Click to expand...

Yes, most people would recommend safer sex practices in general and in your specific case. You know that. And your Loved One and her partner know that. Your individual choices aren’t beholden to common sense or community consensus, so by all means assert and enforce your personal boundaries, as your Loved One and her bf assert and enforce their own.

I do think you’d be safer if your chose to use condoms with your Loved One. You don’t want to, because you think you deserve the fluid bonded status more than the bf - you say you “shouldn’t have to” use condoms with your Loved One. I don’t expect anyone will change your opinion on this, but *you* could interrogate that sense of justice and rights a little further, and figure out why your preference in this should trump your Loved One’s and her bf’s. Their relationship is between them. You get to choose for you. So why not choose to use condoms for your safety and so you can continue an intimate relationship with your Loved One without so much worry about STIs?

Try a thought experiment: What if your Loved One tested positive for something communicable after one of her visits with bf? What if it were something that’s hard or impossible to cure, or 100% reliably prevent transmission of? Would you break up if she acquired a chronic STI? Would you choose to remain together and use condoms - losing the aspects of the relationship that are expressed in the fact of fluid bonding? Would you remain fluid bonded and accept the risk of acquiring the STI? Would you change your thoughts on the meaning of fluid bonding?

In other words, how would a realized STI affect your fluid bond in a way that the (unknown) chance of one doesn’t? For me, if I knew I would plan to continue the relationship and use condoms anyway, then I may as well start now, and stop missing out on sex between bf visits and test results.

If the fluid bond is important enough to me that I would accept the risk of contracting a realized (and treated) STI, then the testing (with or without abstinence while waiting for results) should satisfy me.

Regardless of what you decide to do, only you can say why the fluid bond is so important to you, and what you’re willing to put up with to maintain it. No one can say someone else has to follow your ideas of other people’s fitness for fluid bonding. You can only choose how *you* are willing to engage.

Do love yourself and accept your boundaries, and don’t worry about blaming anyone when needs conflict and relationships end.
 
Are you saying....

I have a GF.

She's basically "The Other Woman" because her sex BF is cheating on his wife.

She and the sex BF? They go bareback. She's ok with that. I am not.

He says he's not seeing anyone else but how am I supposed to trust that? He lies to his wife. He's cheating with my GF. He's not esp trustworthy to me.

I use condoms with my other lover to protect them. They wish my GF was using condoms with the cheater BF. (<-- You will protect the other lover but not you? I don't get it.)

I asked her to use condoms with him to protect my body. (<--Why don't you just do it? You are the one with the concern.)

I don't want to start using condoms. At the same time? I don't want to keep getting tested every time she sees him every couple months, and wait for the test results, etc.

I'm posting here because I have read so many articles, talked to my doctor, close friends and everyone tells me protection is called for but I don't have a lot of ethically non-monogamous friends.
Click to expand...

If your GF has taken up with an untrustworthy cheating guy? It's not unreasonable to wonder about the dude's trustworthiness.

You cannot make her use a condom with him. She's ok with it how it is.

But since you are not? You can put a condom on YOU to protect your body more when you share sex with her. And she can look out for her own body.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Hello cataniaj,

It seems to me that the key issue here is that your loved one's boyfriend is untrustworthy. This you know because he is cheating. If he was trustworthy (i.e., not cheating), then you could take him at his word when he said that your loved one is his only sexual partner. But since he is untrustworthy (i.e., cheating), you can't take him at his word and you have to assume that he may have (an) other sexual partner/s. This creates a de facto situation of unsafe sex. And since your loved one is prolonging the unsafe sex situation by having sex with a cheater, the onus is on her to use protection when she has sex with said cheater. You shouldn't have to be the one who uses protection. Tell her this.

I would definitely side with you in this situation, you are not off base to ask her to use protection with him, and you are being reasonable, and to be honest, she is being unreasonable. Don't settle for her current behavior, insist that she use protection with her cheating boyfriend. And if she absolutely refuses to comply, then that could be something that might be a showstopper for you. I hope it doesn't come to that, I know that she is a perfect partner for you in every other way. You will have to decide what you'll tolerate (or not), and what (if any) risks you'll willingly take. Is it worth it? If I were you, I'd make it an ultimatum. She has to use protection with him, or lose you as a partner.

Tough situation to be in. I don't envy you.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I guess I'll play devil's advocate a little. I've never insisted a partner use condoms with their partners. It seems a little over the top to insist a partner get tested every time they have sex before having sex with them. The thing is, I only have partners that I trust. If I didn't trust them to make good decisions regarding risk assessment, I wouldn't be dating them.

So do you trust your partner to assess the risk? Is he in a high risk category? I'm not a big fan of "could be" (as in he could be having undisclosed sex with several partners). By that line of reasoning, everybody is a risk and the only way to be certain is to use barriers with everybody. Of course, there is no such thing as safe sex, only safer sex. So there is no real guarantee against STIs, short of celibacy.

Is the fact he's cheating coloring your attitude a little, maybe?

I'm not trying to get you to change what you are comfortable with. I'm just representing a different point of view than the others who are responding. I'm sure a few people would think I'm nuts for having such a cavalier attitude, but I've managed to make it 56 years without contracting an STI.
 
vinsanity0 said:
I only have partners that I trust. If I didn't trust them to make good decisions regarding risk assessment, I wouldn't be dating them.
Click to expand...

The OP seems to be saying he does not trust his partner to make good decisions regarding risk assessment. Given that, now what?
 
FallenAngelina said:
The OP seems to be saying he does not trust his partner to make good decisions regarding risk assessment. Given that, now what?
Click to expand...

Well I asked directly and haven't heard back. If we assume he doesn't trust the partner than I think I was pretty clear what I would do. I wouldn't be with them. The OP can do whatever they want. They may elect to continue the relationship using protection. Personally, I prefer capable partners.
 
Grateful for the replies ... discerning my truth

Feeling grateful for all the heartfelt and in-depth replies. I'm so glad for this forum and I will continue to be a part of this community.

I have an update ... my loved one (this morning) has already spoken to her boyfriend, and he agreed to use protection. He never expected to continue the relationship after she met me. It may be, to him, a small price to pay to continue, I am not sure. He said he's "willing to be responsible."

What's interesting is that, for myself, it's *not* a small price to pay. It feels like a big deal to me.

Everybody gets choices, and my loved one may decide ultimately to do things a different way, but for now she is happy with this going forward.

My loved one is not very familiar with the poly lifestyle. She has a great deal of compersion, even more than I do, but never lived it until she met me. We are all learning together, always.

It's also nteresting to me that with infidelity there is still a deep conditioning of monogamocentric thinking (I.e., that multiple partners only exists within the context of an affair)..

To respond to some of the other comments ...

I was betrayed myself, in my former marriage, and I ran a support group for betrayed partners for 5 years. I learned a great deal doing that. I forgave my wife and we split up 7 years later for other reasons, but one thing that happened to me was that I let go of judgment around infidelity, on all sides.

in fact, the forgiveness process was the second time in my life that I realized with total clarity that our deepest essence is pure love.

So I don't judge my loved one for being the other woman, or even her boyfriend for cheating on his wife.

I have experienced first-hand, and witnessed hundreds of times, with different participants in my group, the devastation of infidelity.

This may seem controversial, but I truly believe everyone is doing their best at all times, even when they do heinous things.

Reading your posts also helped me clarify something deeper about myself: how important it is to me that my loved one use protection with her part-time boyfriend and not with me. I don't like the terms primary and secondary ... relationships are different, not necessarily better or worse and they always change. But I want this choice to go with me, not him. Petty perhaps, but that's it.

So t's not so much about comparing the relationship but about the boyfriend. He has made comments that life outside of the affair is *boring" and he isn't interested in her life, beyond having sex with her.

So I have to admit, with All my Loving nature, I still have this ego that doesn't like bf much, and/or needs to be on top.

Petty perhaps, but I have to be honest with myself. I hope this will all change. I hope that this evolution will create more openness and communication and self-less-ness in the relating.

Many people here know the beauty of that openness and consensual mutuality.

So, in the end, maybe I do have some cardinality (e.g. primary, secondary ...) because I want her to choose to preserve *our* natural love making (while keeping her boyfriend relationship) in a responsible, sustainable way.

In any case, I'm glad she is committed to do that and he apparently also.

I had to ask myself the deep question: about what I would do if she contracted something and/or if they did not use protection regardless of this commitment.

I know that I would have to leave, it's that important to me.

I'm not sure if that's a judgment, it's just a boundary or showstopper that I have. I like to think that I'm pretty open and flexible and I've recently taken a course with Sarah Byrden and did a sacred masculinity men's group as well. While I now believe there are few inherent gender qualities, just human qualities, I seem to have this alpha guy thing where I want my partner to pick me over another man in this aspect (competition?!) ... I feel like I failed some kind of spiritual test with that statement but that's the honest truth.

Again, I appreciate the compassion and suggestions and I look forward to participating further in this community.
 
It sounds like things worked out satisfactorily for all three of you. That is good to hear.
 
cataniaj said:
I had to ask myself the deep question: about what I would do if she contracted something and/or if they did not use protection regardless of this commitment.

I know that I would have to leave, it's that important to me.
Click to expand...

Good job asking yourself the tough questions. It sounds like you are so committed to fluid bonding that it outweighs the rest of your relationship with your loved one.

Because condoms don’t always prevent STIs, you may find yourself facing this situation even with your loved one and her bf using condoms.

It may help to frame this as a boundary at this point, and feel if it still sounds true to you: “I will leave my loved one if she contracts an STI that would require condom use between us to reduce the risk of transmission.” Maybe in most cases you could use other preventive measures (antivirals, etc.), and continue the fluid bond.

I’m not just challenging you to pick nits. I think it’s pretty important to anticipate potential future issues (pregnancy of one or another partner being another one) and to make these values-based consequences (our boundaries) clear to ourselves, and perhaps also to our partners.
 
cataniaj said:
The bf doesn't see my loved one often, the relationship is physical. He claims his wife doesn't like sex, and that my loved one is his only partner other than his wife, and other stuff that I question.

For me, since he lies to loved ones I can't trust what he says. Plus things could always change and his behaviour tells me that protection is important.
Click to expand...

He is cheating -- by definition he lies. Your GF is involved, knowingly, in cheating on his wife. Therefore by definition, she is involved with lying.

You are correct, neither your GF nor you can trust what he says.

Take action accordingly. Or decide what you're going to do if/when you contract the STDs he passes on.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top