Self introduction

[ShaunCabs]

So hey all, I'm just coming into the fourth month of a relationship. Things have been going really well, we are both always so happy when we spend time together.

After about the second month, I found out my partner "L" was on grindr (we originally met on there and both made the choice to delete our accounts after actually becoming partners. Im normally a very jealous person, and had it been anyone else I would have ended it right there. But i met him the following day and gave him a chance to talk about what was going on.
In a nut shell, he admitted that he might be poly and just wanted to talk to people about it (I don't know if it would have just been talk.. but thats beside the point).
We haven't really discussed the whole situation much further than that. But I am trying to educate myself on whats going on in his mind, what his feelings might be and how to deal with all of this myself.
If I'm honest, I think I would find it hard to know that he is in love with someone else or being intimate with other men. But I also don't want to lose him from my life.

Is it selfish of me to want him to repress the side of him that might be poly? I know this situation is hard on him, he has said so many times that it makes him feel like a monster.

any advice would be so helpful- I'm so hopelessly lost right now..

 

[ElMango]

We haven't really discussed the whole situation much further than that. But I am trying to educate myself on whats going on in his mind, what his feelings might be and how to deal with all of this myself.

Discuss things sooner rather than later. While you can get an idea of what poly is and what it means and how it can be done from books and internet, but you'll never know what is going on for him in his head unless you have that conversation.

If I'm honest, I think I would find it hard to know that he is in love with someone else or being intimate with other men. But I also don't want to lose him from my life.

Are these feelings based on "I cannot do this ever it is not who I am to be mono with a poly person" or is it "this is hard but with work I think I could get through." And if it is the later, are you willing to do that work and try, even though it could still end in fundamental incompatibility?

Is it selfish of me to want him to repress the side of him that might be poly?

I mean this with kindness.

I think it is kinda selfish...feelings are feelings. How we manage them is our own. Wishing he didn't have these feelings makes sense; they're hard and confusing and show a fundamental incompatibility for dating.
Wanting him to essentially change a part of who he is so you can be happy...yeah...that's kinda icky.

Good luck

 

[kdt26417]

Hello ShaunCabs,

I suppose the question is, *how* poly is L. If he's only 60% poly, then he should be able to repress that part of himself without too much difficulty. If he's 90% poly (or more), he may find it nearly impossible to repress that part of himself. In which case, you would have to ask yourself, *how* mono are you. If you're only about 60% mono, you could probably easily let him be poly, and stay with him. If you're 90% mono or more, you may not be able to tolerate him being poly. In which case, you would have to face the awful likelihood that you may not be compatible. Then you may have to break up, or at least, stay together in such a way as to leave one (or both) of you unhappy, and maybe even resentful of each other. Not a very good outcome if you think about it.

Hopefully you and L are both in the 60% neighborhood, in which case you can probably form a mono/poly relationship, and still be happy together. Or even a mono/mono relationship, if L is willing to do that. Although I kind of get the impression that he would rather not?

I hope the two of you can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

So hey all, I'm just coming into the fourth month of a relationship. Things have been going really well, we are both always so happy when we spend time together.

After about the second month, I found out my partner "L" was on grindr. (We originally met on there and both made the choice to delete our accounts after actually becoming partners.) I'm normally a very jealous person, and had it been anyone else I would have ended it right there.

We recommend you choose a nickname for your partners here, for more clarity when discussing your situation. It works better than an initial. I'll call your dating partner Leo, but you can change it, of course.

I'm a little confused, since first you say things have been so great for 4 months, but on the other hand, after only 2 months, apparently someone told you Leo was secretly on grindr, even though you two were supposedly going steady, monogamously. So it sounds like things were good for 2 months, and then trust was broken, and yet, you have stayed together, somehow.

Leo confessed, when caught, to indeed be on grindr, but claimed to not be looking for partners, just chatting with people who know something about polyamory.

Questions:
Why are you such a jealous person?
Why didn't you dump Leo immediately for going back to grindr behind your back, breaking your usual pattern of ending things with a cheater or a liar? What has changed?

But I met him the following day and gave him a chance to talk about what was going on. In a nutshell, he admitted that he might be poly and just wanted to talk to people about it (I don't know if it would have just been talk, but that's beside the point).

We haven't really discussed the whole situation much further than that.

So 2 months in, Leo was caught on grindr, supposedly only going there to talk about polyamory. Now 2 more months have gone by, but you have not discussed it further? You're just keeping all your doubt inside and telling yourself things are great, while secretly distrusting Leo, and even imagining he's actually cheating on you right now? And you are also wishing you could demand he stop feeling poly, or at least stop looking into it, just stop all that and be mono with you forever?

But I am trying to educate myself on what's going on in his mind, what his feelings might be and how to deal with all of this myself.

If you want to know what's going on in his mind (and in his pants), just ask him. Schedule a day and time for a talk (no doubt the first of many) on the topic of polyamory. Also address the sad fact that he secretly reopened his grindr account when he'd promised it was deleted.

If I'm honest, I think I would find it hard to know that he is in love with someone else or being intimate with other men.

Of course! And this is a common reaction. You've already said here you're a "very jealous person." So, you don't "think" it would be hard. You'd find it horrible. It can be gut wrenching to people new to poly, to imagine the scene of our SO in bed with someone else!

Polyamory requires complete honesty. Everyone involved must be fully aware of the situation and joyfully consent to be a part of it. So please be honest. To Leo. You can tell Leo you find it hard (or terrifying, whatever is real) to think about him in love with or having sex with anyone but you. It's OK to have feelings. Only after true feelings are dealt with, can you make plans to be together, and whether it can include also dating others while staying together.

By the way, "being in love" after only 4 months is considered jumping the gun. We don't really know a person after 4 months. We barely know them after 12 months. What you have now is attraction, infatuation, rose colored glasses. This exciting feeling generally lasts 6-18 months. Once you come to know someone, warts and all, good parts and not so good parts, then you can begin to find out if you're truly compatible for the long run.

But I also don't want to lose him from my life.

Is it selfish of me to want him to repress the side of him that might be poly? I know this situation is hard on him, he has said so many times that it makes him feel like a monster.

Any advice would be so helpful- I'm so hopelessly lost right now...

I'm confused. You said you two haven't discussed him going to grindr behind your back, or being interested in poly. But now you say he has said, many times, he feels like a monster for not being mono.

Anyway. You feel what you feel. You wish what you wish. You can tell him you wish the whole poly feeling and questions would just go away. That's not going to make him change his feelings. And if he represses who he truly is just to make you feel "safe," you won't be actually be loving the true Leo. And I think you must know this.

There is a ton of information on the web about polyamory these days. Articles. Websites. There are also books. You don't need to go to a gay dating or hookup site to learn about poly. Obviously you found us here. We are not a dating site.

...

Moving on.
You can go to our Golden Nuggets section to find more basic poly information. Here are two resources real quick that are very popular and helpful:

Book: Opening Up
Website: More Than Two

So, you thought everything with Leo was great. You believed you two were exclusive, even though you've only known each other a short time. But that seems to be an illusion. It hurts, it's disappointing for sure, but it's not the end of the world. Sometimes new dating partners turn out to be not what we first thought. That's what dating is for: learning about someone to see if they have longer term potential.

You can ask Leo to stop talking to others about polyamory. But what would that accomplish? He is curious. Polyamory is becoming a very hot topic. Humans are naturally promiscuous after all. Monogamy was a useful social construct for a couple millennia, but may be less important in the current culture.

No one should repress who they are just to keep a partner. Then you would be dating a false persona, not the real person. You'd be actively rejecting who they really are.

By the way,I don't know about Kevin's idea that maybe you or Leo are 60% or 90% poly, 40% or 10% mono. Everyone can be attracted to someone other than their SO. Trying to figure out percentages doesn't seem useful to me at this point, if even possible.

Some people, like many of us here, learn how to manage 2 or more relationships at once, and find it very fulfilling and satisfying. Other people here decide to practice monogamy but make agreements with their partner that it doesn't make one a monster to be attracted to others. It's natural. And we can talk about it with our partner without anyone having a cow.

I think your best bet, if you decide to keep working things out with Leo, is to inform yourself about poly, and talk to Leo, and see what he is finding out, and then discuss it all, how you each feel about it, and what you both really want to do. Going from mono to poly isn't easy. Many couples find it can take a year or two to become comfortable with the idea and the practice.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

By the way,I don't know about Kevin's idea that maybe you or Leo are 60% or 90% poly, 40% or 10% mono. Everyone can be attracted to someone other than their SO. Trying to figure out percentages doesn't seem useful to me at this point, if even possible.

I think that what Kevin is getting at is rather like a Kinsey scale for polyness. Just like we no longer subscribe to the notion that a person must be gay OR straight - with no other options to choose from - a person does not have to be poly OR mono, there is a range of relationship preferences - hence the array of "made-up" descriptors we often see - "poly-friendly", "poly-flexible". A person could be comfortable in a mono or poly config or might be comfortable with poly for their partner but no interest in poly for themselves. And, of course, this may be highly individual or relationship specific! Perhaps if you think about it as less of a "percentage" and more of a spectrum of preference?

 

[kdt26417]

Thanks JaneQ, that is indeed how I meant it.

 

[FallenAngelina]

I think that what Kevin is getting at is rather like a Kinsey scale for polyness.

In all accuracy, there really is no scientific evidence that people are whatever percent of any sexual inclination. The Kinsey scale is just a diagram that goes along with a conjecture that a lot of people read about, it's not a proven scientific "fact." Just clarifying in case anyone might mistakenly get the impression that there is an actual percentage of polyness in our DNA or something innate like that. As best we know at his time, there is no such thing that exists regarding poly or homosexuality. A person might explain polyness or homosexuality in terms of a percentage, but it's not a proven "fact" that can be shown genetically. The only thing close that is currently factually accepted is that homosexuality is not learned nor chosen.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

If I'm honest, I think I would find it hard to know that he is in love with someone else or being intimate with other men. But I also don't want to lose him from my life.

So... does he have to stay a romantic partner to you? Or are you willing to be exes and friends? Cuz he could be a friend and not be "lost from your life."

Is it selfish of me to want him to repress the side of him that might be poly?

Would you like it if someone wanted you to repress stuff about yourself so they can deal with dating you? Or would you say "No, let's just not date. We don't work together like that. Let's be friends instead so we can both be our authentic selves without doing bendy pretzel weird to ourselves."

To me you sound like you are sad and grieving. Like anticipatory grief and maybe in the bargaining stage.

Like you dated for 2 mos, then this Grindr thing came out. Which was a ding of trust on SOME level.

Now it's 2 mos later and maybe you are feeling like -- "This sucks. So close... but he wants poly and I do not. We haven't broken up yet but the writing is on the wall...clock ticking."

Is that it?

It's ok to wish things were different, but it's not ok to REALLY want him to repress himself just so you can keep on dating him.

I know this situation is hard on him, he has said so many times that it makes him feel like a monster.

Well, if he was on Grindr 2 mos ago to talk to people... that is one thing. But if he made an agreement with you to delete profiles and then cheated on his agreement by opening another profile? That's not cool. Could have just given you the heads up that he wanted to change agreements first rather than ding trust like that.

If he cheated on the agreement to drop Grinder profiles by making a new one and was planning to use it to go have a secret affair but you caught him out before it got to that place? That's something else. A bigger trust ding.

On his end? If he is making poor behavior choices and it makes him feel monstrous later? He's got to start making better choices so he can feel ok with himself.

On your end? If he's dinged your trust too many times? It might be better to let it end with grace and wish him well. But take some steps back so you don't get dinged again.

any advice would be so helpful- I'm so hopelessly lost right now..

You have to do your own soul searching:

• What do you want in your romantic relationships?
• What's your personal standard for romantic dating partners?
• Does THIS partner meet your personal standards? Or not?

Are you up for listening to his poly thoughts and feelings (more open for him) as opposed to wanting him to repress? Is he up for not dating other people -- so it feels closed enough for you? Maybe that is a compromise place. But maybe not if you just want to be free of ALL poly related things.

Don't go there if it's just to avoid breaking up and kicking the can further down the street. You have to be true to yourself.

It's fair to want what you want. But it is also fair for him to want what he wants. You have to figure out if each of your wants line up or not.

You two are only 4 months in. That is part of dating -- going from strangers to first dates to initially compatible to finding out if this is gonna be deeply compatible. Some don't even make it to a first date. Some make it to a couple of dates, but no, not initially compatible. And some get to initially compatible... but no, not deeply compatible. And so on.

Are you monoamorous (want 1 sweetie) AND monogamous (want to be in a 1:1 relationship model)? If he wants poly? Then this is NOT a match.

Are you monoamorous and are flexible about what relationship model you participate in? Like you ok 1:1. And ok being an end point in a V -- like you don't want to date more people but are ok with it if he does? Then maybe you can be together romantically.

Do you want to date too? So you are partners but both sides are also dating other people? This doesn't sound like you otherwise you would have said you are up for poly on your side.

Something else going on?


You have to articulate to yourself what YOU are looking for in life. Nobody knows but you.

Then you have to have to talk that out with him and find out what he wants in life. See what does and does not line up.

Neither one of you can force the other one to be something you are not as a romantic partner.

So if you discover that the most comfortable relationship model you both can share together while still being your authentic selves and not all pretzel-y AND not be dinging each other with broken agreements is a model called "Friends"? Then both could be willing to become ok with that.

Break up. Be sad this isn't a runner for sharing romantic partnership. Take time to heal. Then be glad neither had to lose each other from their lives. Be friends.

I don't think it is a horrible thing after 4 mos of getting to know someone to end up with a good friend. Right?

Galagirl