New to Polyamory / Worth it?

[Yes]

Hi everyone,
My story:
I identify as a woman and use the pronouns she/her. I was unhappily married with children for a long time. Towards the end of our marriage we decided to open our relationship (I was unhappy with the lack of sex, but also not attracted to my partner sexually). I thought maybe we could try some kind of new form of relationship. It didn't work, however, and we are now separated, working on a divorce.
In the meantime, I met someone I hoped would simply be a friend with benefits, thinking that would suffice for the moment.
I will call him Tony. Tony lives with his gf / primary (Jane) who has 3 other lovers. She does not want her lovers to ever meet, and prefers that all remain separate. She encouraged Tony to meet up with me (after seeing my profile on line). Tony and I hit it off. He is very sexual, and the sex with him is off the charts. He did have another lover at that time, but he and she called it off. After a few months, he said he was falling in love with me.
Jane was glad for him, and she supports his polyamory. I am completely in love with Tony at this point but not sure if I can handle not knowing where the relationship is going.
Tony and I enjoy meeting other couples and swinging, which Jane is no longer interested in.
Tony and I have a good relationship BUT (yes, there is a but), I would love to have him be more than a lover, but I don't see how.
Jane does not want to be friends with Tony's metamour (me), and we have never met.
Will this relationship continue to be me being the lover who he visits and she gets all the benefits of nesting-in AND her other lovers? (Leaving me with the crumbs in a sense.)
Should I end the relationship with Tony and look for someone without such a complicated love life or who at least wants me to be his primary? I originally dreamed of a polyamory where I lived with multiple loves in a house and we all loved each other. I haven't actually met any couple like that, however.
Thanks for any advice.
PS Sometimes I am fine with being the secondary, other days it drives me crazy!

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Hi everyone,
My story:
I identify as a woman and use the pronouns she/her. I was unhappily married with children for a long time. Towards the end of our marriage we decided to open our relationship (I was unhappy with the lack of sex, but also not attracted to my partner sexually). I thought maybe we could try some kind of new form of relationship. It didn't work, however, and we are now separated, working on a divorce.
In the meantime, I met someone I hoped would simply be a friend with benefits, thinking that would suffice for the moment.
I will call him Tony. Tony lives with his gf / primary (Jane) who has 3 other lovers. She does not want her lovers to ever meet, and prefers that all remain separate. She encouraged Tony to meet up with me (after seeing my profile on line). Tony and I hit it off. He is very sexual, and the sex with him is off the charts. He did have another lover at that time, but he and she called it off. After a few months, he said he was falling in love with me.
Jane was glad for him, and she supports his polyamory. I am completely in love with Tony at this point but not sure if I can handle not knowing where the relationship is going.
Tony and I enjoy meeting other couples and swinging, which Jane is no longer interested in.
Tony and I have a good relationship BUT (yes, there is a but), I would love to have him be more than a lover, but I don't see how.
Jane does not want to be friends with Tony's metamour (me), and we have never met.
Will this relationship continue to be me being the lover who he visits and she gets all the benefits of nesting-in AND her other lovers? (Leaving me with the crumbs in a sense.)
Should I end the relationship with Tony and look for someone without such a complicated love life or who at least wants me to be his primary? I originally dreamed of a polyamory where I lived with multiple loves in a house and we all loved each other. I haven't actually met any couple like that, however.
Thanks for any advice.
PS Sometimes I am fine with being the secondary, other days it drives me crazy!

It sounds like Tony and Jane have opted for a model where they both benefit from the privileges of a nesting relationship and casual relations with other people. You make it sound like this is something Jane has "done" to Tony rather than something they both want and/or agreed to. Have you asked Tony about his availability to share things like a home or finances or co-parenting? If he could come away with you for a week?

Those things are it possible with some set ups. It's only fair that everyone knows it well in advance.

 

[Magdlyn]

My story:
I identify as a woman and use the pronouns she/her... we are now separated, working on a divorce.

How long have you been separated? Are you living alone, with partial custody of the children you share with your STBX?

In the meantime, I met... Tony.

Tony lives with his gf / primary (Jane) who has 3 other lovers. She does not want her lovers to ever meet, and prefers that all remain separate... Tony and I hit it off... the sex with him is off the charts. He did have another lover at that time, but he and she called it off. After a few months, he said he was falling in love with me.

I am completely in love with Tony at this point but not sure if I can handle not knowing where the relationship is going.

How long have you been with Tony? It seems like you haven't been available for dating long, since the divorce isn't even finalized yet.

Tony and I enjoy meeting other couples and swinging, which Jane is no longer interested in.
Tony and I have a good relationship BUT (yes, there is a but), I would love to have him be more than a lover, but I don't see how.

Why? Why do you need to climb the "relationship escalator" so soon after leaving your spouse and so soon after meeting Tony? You're on the rebound, and have some growing and healing to do. Remember, you first felt you needed a break from total enmeshment and just wanted a FWB.

I was in your shoes 10 years ago. I met my current partner when I was newly separated, divorce in progress (after a 30 year marriage and 3 kids). I just wanted to date around and see what was out there. But the universe had other plans. I met Pixi a few months after being separated, and we hit if off like a house afire. However, she was also just out of a LTR. We took our time. We dated and kept separate residences for 3 years. Then we finally got a place together.

She now has a bf of 5 years. He moved closer to her/us a year or two ago. He and I didn't meet for 4 years since he has some social anxiety. We finally met last year, and have hung out a handful of times. He doesn't want to cohabitate with Pixi, or with me. She goes back and forth between our houses. At this point, I have no other partners. Her bf never did.

Jane does not want to be friends with Tony's metamour (me), and we have never met.

That is common. It is called "parallel poly," as opposed to "kitchen table poly," which you seem to want. Or at least think you do. Would you want to live with Tony's gf? You have no idea if she'd be a good roommate.

You have no idea if Tony would be a good roommate. You are in a huge hurry for a non-divorced woman.

Will this relationship continue to be me being the lover who he visits and she gets all the benefits of nesting-in AND her other lovers? (Leaving me with the crumbs in a sense.)

Only time and negotiations will tell. Often in poly we wait and let each relationship take the shape it's meant to take. If you decide you really don't like being a secondary, that is your choice. Why not just learn to enjoy your independence for now, and the fun and great sex Tony brings?

In time, maybe Tony will split his time with you and his OSO 50-50.

Should I end the relationship with Tony and look for someone without such a complicated love life or who at least wants me to be his primary? I originally dreamed of a polyamory where I lived with multiple loves in a house and we all loved each other.

That is a common fantasy of many poly wannabes, but it very rarely works out.

Do you really want to throw away love so soon after finding it?

Sometimes I am fine with being the secondary, other days it drives me crazy!

You are in a transition phase, ending one unhappy long term relationship, and being infatuated, or as we call it, NRE (new relationship energy, see our Glossary, or Google it), where you're feeling impatient and full of dreams for a new marriage type situation. Transition is always awkward.

If you can bear to give Tony up, go ahead. Go find a mono guy. It's your choice. But weigh your options carefully. Dating is hard. There's no guarantee you'll find another lover who is as satisfying as Tony, even if he is mono.

 

[Yes]

Thanks

Thanks for replying.
I think both Tony and I started out with the idea that it would be a simple, flexible relationship, but things just progressed. There was NRE at first, but we've been seeing each other for over a year. For him, this is an ideal relationship because he lives rent-free with Jane and can see me whenever I'm free.
For me, it was fairly easy at first, but now I wish he could at least nest with me part-time. (He spends 3 nights a week with me, but he doesn't have anything besides a toothbrush here.)
(The separation has been long and divorce complicated due to finances, etc.)
I do have the kids 50%, so that is a consideration. They have not met Tony.
I don't blame Jane or Tony. I know my options are:
enjoy the relationship and not worry about the escalator.
end the relationship.
I waiver between the two. I think it just helped to hear some perspectives from others. (I have read most of the books, articles, etc. that the site references, by the way, but I just needed a person to talk to about this!)

I think the best idea is just to be patient and enjoy.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Yes,

You seem to be saying that you want to live with Tony as his primary, maybe you even feel a little resentful towards Jane because she gets Tony *and* three other lovers. And I suppose living with Tony and Jane isn't an option because Jane doesn't want to be friends (let alone roomies) with you? I suppose you could ask Tony whether he'd be willing to move out and live with you. And if he says no, then you could think about whether that's something you can accept in this relationship. Only you can decide that, some people are fine with being a (non-nesting) secondary, others it drives them crazy. Can you live with the possibility of going nuts half the time for the rest of your life? how about for the next ten years? the next one year? etc.

Hopefully this thread so far has been helpful.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Yes]

Hello Yes,

You seem to be saying that you want to live with Tony as his primary, maybe you even feel a little resentful towards Jane because she gets Tony *and* three other lovers. And I suppose living with Tony and Jane isn't an option because Jane doesn't want to be friends (let alone roomies) with you? I suppose you could ask Tony whether he'd be willing to move out and live with you. And if he says no, then you could think about whether that's something you can accept in this relationship. Only you can decide that, some people are fine with being a (non-nesting) secondary, others it drives them crazy. Can you live with the possibility of going nuts half the time for the rest of your life? how about for the next ten years? the next one year? etc.

Hopefully this thread so far has been helpful.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Yes, I have to admit that I am jealous of Jane. I am working on that. I also worry that because I am not the primary, if anything happens Tony, I would be in the dark or shut out. Hopefully not.
In any case, I think you hit my dilemma spot on. I can definitely live with it for now, and truly, it fits my situation with kids and needing my own space.
Thanks for all the responses - it was good just to write everything out to help me think through it all.

 

[ElMango]

I wanted to think on my response for a bit.

This is my poly experience; I'm hoping it's helpful for you.

So I prefer kitchen table poly, with more 'labels' laid out and more "what people currently want and/or expect from this relationship' laid out; I'm totally cool with those evolving and growing and changing, so long as people are honest and straightforward.
For example, B started out literally a friend with benefits and only with 3somes and now we're married and him, me, and Z cohabitate.

My GF prefers more ambiguity and no labels or anything; so because of that we're very casual in our relationship, and Z is pursing her much more than I. We're all content with this. But, while I had to be comfortable with how she prefers relationships, she had to be comfortable with the fact it really reduced the chances of anything ever becoming more than casual with me. We both enjoy things as they are.

It didn't work, however, and we are now separated, working on a divorce.

Try to be mindful of how this life change is affecting you and your wants right now. You're still healing and processing and discovering things about yourself. It's a confusing time!

Will this relationship continue to be me being the lover who he visits and she gets all the benefits of nesting-in AND her other lovers? (Leaving me with the crumbs in a sense.)

Maybe, maybe not. It depends on how fluid they are in their expectations vs yours. As others have said, while Janes wants are a factor, it doesn't sound like she is making Tony follow them as well.

Should I end the relationship with Tony and look for someone without such a complicated love life or who at least wants me to be his primary? I originally dreamed of a polyamory where I lived with multiple loves in a house and we all loved each other.

Well, you wouldn't have to end things with Tony to find a primary/primaries who can fulfill your wants/needs in that area; and still have Tony as a secondary. A secondary who you do not cohabitate with can be just as loved and committed as one you do.

Sometimes I am fine with being the secondary, other days it drives me crazy!

Can you identify why you have this changes in moods towards it?


For myself, I find poly worth the risk vs reward and worth the fact my communication had to improve and change and my life changed. For some, it would not be.

 

[vinsanity0]

But you are nesting with him part time. Three nights a week is nearly 50%. Have you offered a spot for some clothes and stuff? Just wondering if he refused.

 

[Magdlyn]

Yes, I have to admit that I am jealous of Jane. I am working on that. I also worry that because I am not the primary, if anything happens Tony, I would be in the dark or shut out. Hopefully not.
In any case, I think you hit my dilemma spot on. I can definitely live with it for now, and truly, it fits my situation with kids and needing my own space.
Thanks for all the responses - it was good just to write everything out to help me think through it all.

This may seem like a minor distinction, but I see your feeling as envy, not jealousy.

You could suggest Tony leave more of his belongings at your place. Give him a drawer or part of a closet.

Also, talk to him about being able to be present if he ends up in the hospital.

It seems to me you do have him half time already, which is awesome! And it sounds like he comes over when your kids aren't there, that's a great arrangement for now, until you feel ready to introduce them.

Probably your woes about being a primary are left over from mono/marriage type thinking. You're at a different stage of living now.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

It occurs to me that one of the things that often concerns me is how much of a persons perception of a situation is based on their "assumptions" and "expectations". How much is fact (i.e. has been discussed) and how much is interpretation.

What conversations have you had with Tony about the possibilities for the future? "Why" does he only have a toothbrush at your place when he spends almost 1/2 his nights over? Is there a number of floors UP the "escalator" that can be travelled without going to the penthouse? What does "more than a lover" mean to you? (Your post seems to say that you see this as either/or - why is that?)

Your description talks about her (Jane) getting all of the benefits of nesting and leaving you with the crumbs...often nesting partners view the non-nesting partner as getting all of the "fun times/dates" and none of the work (day to day chores, etc.) What benefits of nesting are you seeking? Can you ask for those things specifically?

If you want the benefits of a nesting partner for yourself - why not seek out another partner to fulfill those desires? One of the benefits (in my mind) of poly is that one person doesn't have to tick all of the boxes!

DISCLAIMER: We all have our own experiences and biases and see poly through the lens of what we have experienced and who we are. I do live with my two most enmeshed partners. I am comfortable with either parallel or kitchen-table poly depending on the metamour (their preferences and how much we get along). I am not a fan of labels and don't feel the need to have every relationship neatly categorized. This bothers some people.

 

[MayDecember]

Your description talks about her (Jane) getting all of the benefits of nesting and leaving you with the crumbs...often nesting partners view the non-nesting partner as getting all of the "fun times/dates" and none of the work (day to day chores, etc.)

The grass is always greener on the other side.

That is what the Zen is all about.

 

[Yes]

Thanks, Kevin.

Hello Yes,

You seem to be saying that you want to live with Tony as his primary, maybe you even feel a little resentful towards Jane because she gets Tony *and* three other lovers. And I suppose living with Tony and Jane isn't an option because Jane doesn't want to be friends (let alone roomies) with you? I suppose you could ask Tony whether he'd be willing to move out and live with you. And if he says no, then you could think about whether that's something you can accept in this relationship. Only you can decide that, some people are fine with being a (non-nesting) secondary, others it drives them crazy. Can you live with the possibility of going nuts half the time for the rest of your life? how about for the next ten years? the next one year? etc.

I think the thing that bothers me is that there is nothing connecting me and Tony other than the sexual relationship. His life is intertwined with hers in a way that would make it hard or at least a lot more work if they decided to break up. This makes their relationship more "real" at least in the cultural sense - if you have a pet together, an apartment together, etc., you feel more obliged to work on the relationship than if you are simply seeing someone a few times a week. Our relationship then seems tenuous at best.
How do other polyamorous people deal with this feeling if they haven't made some sort of commitment to the other person?

(I am not saying I want a commitment at this time - I am enjoying being a "free agent"!)

Thanks again for all the responses!

(P.S. I have some friends in open relationships and most of my friends are sex positive, but I don't really have any folks in poly relationships to talk this out with!)

 

[Magdlyn]

Thanks, Kevin.


I think the thing that bothers me is that there is nothing connecting me and Tony other than the sexual relationship.

Well, don't discount your emotional relationship as well! It sounds like you two have bonded that way too. Why downplay the importance of that?

His life is intertwined with hers in a way that would make it hard or at least a lot more work if they decided to break up. This makes their relationship more "real" at least in the cultural sense - if you have a pet together, an apartment together, etc., you feel more obliged to work on the relationship than if you are simply seeing someone a few times a week. Our relationship then seems tenuous at best.

That is definitely mono thinking. The thing about polyamory is, it operates on an intentional basis. We can be "committed" in a different way, we don't need material things or kids or pets forcing us to be together.

We are together because we want to be, and we choose to be! We enjoy each other's company and aren't in a "no strings" relationship, despite not being on the traditional relationship escalator.

I've had several long term relationships that consisted of visits once, twice, or 3 times a week, or even only once every 3 weeks (but regular texting).

How do other polyamorous people deal with this feeling if they haven't made some sort of commitment to the other person?

(I am not saying I want a commitment at this time - I am enjoying being a "free agent"!)

Thanks again for all the responses!

(P.S. I have some friends in open relationships and most of my friends are sex positive, but I don't really have any folks in poly relationships to talk this out with!)

Commitment means something different in polyamory, and many people do not understand it at first. I felt just as "committed" to Pixi before we got a place together. I just found living together much more convenient, and it saved money on rent, gas, etc.

Obviously Pixi and her bf are deeply committed. She's been going over to his place 1-3 times a week for over 6 years, and they text almost every evening for a bit in between visits. They choose to be in relationship because they are in love, not for the house, not for the kids, not for a dog or a fish.

Before Pixi and I got a place together, she asked for my help in redecorating her apartment, since I am good at it. I helped her rearrange several rooms and better display her pretty collections of things, including things we bought together. I also had some extra furniture from my previous house that I took out of storage and put to good use in her apartment.

 

[icesong]

I think the thing that bothers me is that there is nothing connecting me and Tony other than the sexual relationship. His life is intertwined with hers in a way that would make it hard or at least a lot more work if they decided to break up. This makes their relationship more "real" at least in the cultural sense - if you have a pet together, an apartment together, etc., you feel more obliged to work on the relationship than if you are simply seeing someone a few times a week. Our relationship then seems tenuous at best.
How do other polyamorous people deal with this feeling if they haven't made some sort of commitment to the other person?

For me I consider that a feature, not a bug - now, admittedly I do have a nesting partner as well so my situation is different. But one of the things I adore about my relationship with Artist is that it's 100% a choice - I don't ever have to worry, really, that we're just going through the motions because we happen to have a house/kid/pet together. Every moment we spend together is because it's the thing we want to be doing right then. And the commitment we've made is to continue to try to make each other happy for the foreseeable future. So far so good.

 

[Vicki82]

I think the thing that bothers me is that there is nothing connecting me and Tony other than the sexual relationship. His life is intertwined with hers in a way that would make it hard or at least a lot more work if they decided to break up. This makes their relationship more "real" at least in the cultural sense - if you have a pet together, an apartment together, etc., you feel more obliged to work on the relationship than if you are simply seeing someone a few times a week. Our relationship then seems tenuous at best.

I get what you're saying- it's something I've joked about myself, that getting married meant that we wanted to throw those extra shackles on.

But would you really, truly want someone staying with you or trying to work on things just because you had a shared pet? That sounds like a pretty awful way to be in a relationship.

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but some of your phrasing sounds familiar to me. Do you find yourself being the kind of person who craves security, and so those trappings would make you feel more secure in the relationship? Is that more the issue than the actual societal trappings?

 

[kdt26417]

Re (from Yes):

"I think the thing that bothers me is that there is nothing connecting me and Tony other than the sexual relationship. His life is intertwined with hers in a way that would make it hard or at least a lot more work if they decided to break up. This makes their relationship more 'real' at least in the cultural sense -- if you have a pet together, an apartment together, etc., you feel more obliged to work on the relationship than if you are simply seeing someone a few times a week. Our relationship then seems tenuous at best."

What I'm hearing you say, is that, Tony has more incentive to stay together with Jane, than what incentive he has to stay together with you. Am I hearing you right? If I am, then I have to say that that sounds like a real problem for you. I wonder if there isn't some way you could forge a commitment with Tony that is stronger than the commitment you have right now? Would a commitment ceremony be helpful? It wouldn't be legally binding, but at least he would be giving you his solemn word that he would never break up with you. If he's an honest person, then that would be binding in a way. Of course, you must ask yourself ... are you ready to tie yourself in a similar way to him? Maybe it's too soon to be raising the relationship to that level. Maybe.

That's one thought anyway.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Yes]

I get what you're saying- it's something I've joked about myself, that getting married meant that we wanted to throw those extra shackles on.

But would you really, truly want someone staying with you or trying to work on things just because you had a shared pet? That sounds like a pretty awful way to be in a relationship.

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but some of your phrasing sounds familiar to me. Do you find yourself being the kind of person who craves security, and so those trappings would make you feel more secure in the relationship? Is that more the issue than the actual societal trappings?

Yes and no. I think that I do crave security AND I am worried that I am making the wrong decision. I stayed in a marriage that I was unhappy in (from the start) for the wrong reasons (he seemed to be the right person for on paper and we got along well, but neither of us was really satisfied.)

Most people work harder on their relationships when there are more "strings" attaching them - imagine sharing a home or kids with someone, you will work harder to solve issues. It doesn't mean I want shackles, but I wonder if it doesn't become "too easy" to easily move on from a relationship when you know you don't need to work on it.

Some types of polyamory (particularly kitchen-table polyamory) seem to follow a more traditional connection/stings attached relationship form. Others, like the one I am in, where it is more of an open relationship, is more of a relationship anarchy type. This seems scary for me in that I want to know that my partner is willing to put in the work to maintain the relationship, not simply look for the next NRE relationship.

I would love to hear how others deal with this?

Thanks again - these conversations are helpful!

 

[icesong]

This seems scary for me in that I want to know that my partner is willing to put in the work to maintain the relationship, not simply look for the next NRE relationship.

Honestly Artist is not really an NRE chaser - if anything of the two of us, I am. But really the thing that proves that he’s willing to put in the work was just a matter of *time*. I know that’s not reassuring, but I feel like its one of those things where the proof is in the doing, not any promises you can make otherwise.

 

[GalaGirl]

Most people work harder on their relationships when there are more "strings" attaching them - imagine sharing a home or kids with someone, you will work harder to solve issues.

I will respectfully disagree. Not been my experience.

I think people who want to work on it? Will work on it. People that do not? Will blow it off.

I have some cousins who have a home, marriage, kids and still fuck around and cause their families all sorts of pain and ugh. They don't "work" on the relationship any. They just behave like assholes!

Two of my other relatives? Spend 20+ years together seriously involved with each other. In separate homes. Separate pets. Separate money. Not married. Can't say those were not committed to each other -- totally were. Til death do us part even! But they did not share any of the typical entanglements.

So I think the ability to keep one's Word and promises is about the character and trustworthiness of the person. Not whether or not they have "stuff entanglements" with you.

Others, like the one I am in, where it is more of an open relationship, is more of a relationship anarchy type. This seems scary for me in that I want to know that my partner is willing to put in the work to maintain the relationship, not simply look for the next NRE relationship.
I would love to hear how others deal with this?

If I want to know something, I ask. What stops you from asking Tony if he's willing to put in the work? To reassure you that he's not just some NRE junkie?


Then time will show if he's actually true to his Word or not in his behaviors and you can relax because what he says and does matches. Or you can dump him because they don't match and you can relax because he didn't meet your personal dating standard so you ended it. Sorted either way.

I could be wrong in my impression. But I think because you are in transition, you want some sort of "steadying" thing -- something that is familiar. But I think you will have more success in being your own rock, than trying to make your relationship with Tony be the rock thing prematurely.

That doesn't mean Tony cannot become a rock person in your life OVER TIME. But you have to actually clock the time first. YKWIM?

And in the meanwhile... be your own rock -- make your own new stable home, make your own new stable domestic routines, make your own new network fo friends, etc as you work through the divorce process.

Be ok with feeling all "up in the air." Divorce does that to people for a time. Maybe seek a divorce support group?

Galagirl

 

[Yes]

I will respectfully disagree. Not been my experience.

I think people who want to work on it? Will work on it. People that do not? Will blow it off.

I have some cousins who have a home, marriage, kids and still fuck around and cause their families all sorts of pain and ugh. They don't "work" on the relationship any. They just behave like assholes!

Two of my other relatives? Spend 20+ years together seriously involved with each other. In separate homes. Separate pets. Separate money. Not married. Can't say those were not committed to each other -- totally were. Til death do us part even! But they did not share any of the typical entanglements.

So I think the ability to keep one's Word and promises is about the character and trustworthiness of the person. Not whether or not they have "stuff entanglements" with you.




If I want to know something, I ask. What stops you from asking Tony if he's willing to put in the work? To reassure you that he's not just some NRE junkie?


Then time will show if he's actually true to his Word or not in his behaviors and you can relax because what he says and does matches. Or you can dump him because they don't match and you can relax because he didn't meet your personal dating standard so you ended it. Sorted either way.

I could be wrong in my impression. But I think because you are in transition, you want some sort of "steadying" thing -- something that is familiar. But I think you will have more success in being your own rock, than trying to make your relationship with Tony be the rock thing prematurely.

That doesn't mean Tony cannot become a rock person in your life OVER TIME. But you have to actually clock the time first. YKWIM?

And in the meanwhile... be your own rock -- make your own new stable home, make your own new stable domestic routines, make your own new network fo friends, etc as you work through the divorce process.

Be ok with feeling all "up in the air." Divorce does that to people for a time. Maybe seek a divorce support group?

Galagirl

I feel that I worded that incorrectly. I think that I meant that in a nesting situation, bonds can be strengthened by sharing a home, finances, etc. in a way that a secondary relationship does not have the same bonds.

I appreciate your advice about joining a divorce support group - I will definitely look into that.

I would love to hear from other secondaries in these forums. Most of what I read are from a primary or at least a kitchen-table perspective.