So you think he is objectively better in bed than you are, and in your fear, you call yourself a "loser." I can see fearing someone is more sexually skilled, but watch out for then categorically calling yourself a loser in general.
I remember when I was a lactation and parenting counselor, and mothers would make one mistake in parenting, and then say, "I am a bad mom." No, you are a good mom; you just made ONE mistake! And if you know you made a mistake, and try not to make it again, well, that just goes to show was a good mom you are!
This is an interesting comparison. I feel like part of my anxiety is that I have no idea what I could be doing better. I don't know when I make mistakes. And if I do, I live in constant fear of making the same mistake twice. Part of the thing with sex is that it is so....unplanned. Not that I don't expect that sex will happen, but that it happens and it is so exciting and overwhelming and I can't second-guess myself in the moment.....everything is a blur and then afterwards I'm like, "Wait . . . What did I do? Did I lie there and be boring? Did I spit on his face when I came? Did I accidentally do that thing that Ponytail likes, but Whiskers doesn't?"
Maybe you are confident of your Domme skills, but not so confident of your vanilla sex skills? Why do you catastrophize and used words like "loser" and "could never measure up," or think that you need to "perform"?
It's not actually that I feel very confident in my domme skills either -- it's just that I know that Ponytail loves me so much that anything I do is sexy. I actually
did spit on his face the other day when I came, and when I apologetically said, "Oh my gosh! Did I just spit on your face?" he grinned and said, "Yeah, but it was HOT!"
It's funny you feel pressure to "perform." In that thread I mentioned, we were talking about how it's a guy thing feel like they need to "perform." However you define "perform."
Maybe instead of just hamster wheeling in your head on the blog, go read that thread and others about sex and kink "performance." And how it doesn't need to be a "performance."
Yeah, I definitely feel the need to perform well. And it's actually *because* of stuff I have read (including that thread that you linked to) saying that women can be bad in bed too in an effort to remind men that they don't have to perform like a trained seal. When I was younger I thought that all I needed to do in order to please a man was to be willing to have sex -- I didn't worry about anything (including whether or not I enjoyed it). Over the years I have learned that it isn't enough to be willing to have sex: you have to initiate it, you have to share 50% of the thrusting, you have to suggest various non-PIV activities, you have to know how to balance teasing with satisfying, you have to be responsible for your own orgasm
and you have to make sure that they cum too, you have to be willing and capable of trying a lot of various positions -- and yet I have never learned how to be good at it, so I feel shitty about my performance.
Where do you feel you lack sexual skills? Do you want to improve? How could you improve?
Well, since you asked.....
General areas where I feel like I lack sexual skills:
1. Oral and manual sex. There is nothing more stressful for me than giving a guy a blowjob to completion. I enjoy sucking on a cock for a minute or two.....and I like lightly touching and teasing a cock.....but actually trying to get a guy to cum in these ways? I can never move as fast as they need me to in order to make them cum and I absolutely hate it when they are the ones doing the movement -- if it's in my hand, my hand goes numb. If it's in my mouth, I gag. There is SO much pressure to perform when it comes to getting enough of the "in and out" pace to get a guy to orgasm. With women (or at least with me), it's all about the pressure and the depth and not about the pace -- but with guys it's like they need me to have a robotic arm in order to do it properly.
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How can I improve? I don't really know. I have read up on how to give good blow jobs and hand jobs, but no matter how much I read up on it, in the moment they are always asking me to do something that I physically can't seem to accomplish. I suppose I could practice deep-throating dildos..... and I could go to the gym and workout my arms?
2. Thrusting. Again, I don't seem to have the stamina or the coordination to thrust in the way that they want. Even when I fuck guys with a strap on, I can never go as fast as they would prefer -- but it is the same with vaginal penetration too. If I'm on top and in charge, I am more likely to have some success, but even then, sometimes they physically pick me up and move me up and down at a pace that seems insanely fast to me. If I'm on the bottom, it's even harder -- I know it's not okay to just lie there, so I try to thrust back, but if they're on top then they are thrusting too and it's never at the pace that I want or can do, so we get out sync and then things just slip out.
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How can I improve? I don't know. How do you learn to match someone else's rhythm when it doesn't feel natural to you? Should I bring a metronome to bed?
3. Speaking of slipping out, this is another one of my failings. If I feel like he's going to slip out of me, I totally panic. Because the feeling of him slipping all the way out and then going back in at the wrong angle is horrifying. It shouldn't be that big of a deal -- it only hurts for a second -- but for some reason it really makes me panic. So I know that lots of guys want to move more and that they find it exciting to pull all the way out and then dive back in, but I can't let anyone do that to me -- it freaks me out too much.
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How can I improve? I'm not sure -- I know I need to relax and just deal with him slipping out now and then. Maybe I need to find some recreational drugs that would allow me to just chill out about it.....
4. Just even....getting it in. It depends on the penis size and shape, but it is generally very difficult to get it inside me. If I'm on the bottom, there are usually a few moments where they try to push it in too high or too low, so I usually try to be on top. But when I am on top I am equally mystified by how to get it in. I should be able to just hop on a cock, right? But instead it's this whole acrobatic thing where I am unable to find the right hole and angle to put it in. I think I have everything aligned and then when I try to push it in, I end up just bending their penis! Not because it is soft either -- like, my vagina just won't initially relax enough to let it in. Ugh. It's so awful to see the confusion on their faces when I can't seem to figure it out. It's like 1 minute before we get it figured out, but I feel like shit for that minute.
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How can I improve? No fucking clue! I suppose if I masturbated more so that my vagina was more used to the intrusion? Or if they spent more time fingering me so that I was more opened up right before we started having sex?
5. Kissing. I know that I suck at kissing because I am pretty much the only person on the planet who doesn't enjoy using tongue when kissing. My passionate kisses are all about the interplay between firmness and softness of the lips. My mouth is open, but my tongue stays within my mouth. Nobody else seems to like this, though. I try really hard to use my tongue now and then, but I just hate it. Ponytail and Glasses both understand my aversion to tongue kissing and so they reign in their tongues and follow my lead. Whiskers puts his tongue in my mouth ALL THE TIME, though, which is why I know that kissing me must be super unsatisfying for him. I try to give him opportunities to use his tongue elsewhere (
) or just spend as little time kissing as possible and get straight to the sex.
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How can I improve? Yeah, I know. I probably need to be more direct about my feelings on tongue kissing. Most of the time, guys notice and ask me about it ("Hey -- do you like....have a tongue?") and I explain. But this is the perfect example of one of those things where I feel like I have to perform -- because sticking my tongue in someone's mouth literally brings me no joy. But I know that not doing it makes me a bad kisser (at least for someone like Whiskers, who really seems to love tongue). So my choices are either to tell him I don't like it and expect him to stop (which then makes me worry that he would feel awkward because I'd essentially be telling him to go against his kissing intuition), tell him directly that I don't like it and keep kissing the way I like to and allow him to kiss me the way he likes to and just hope we both get enough of what we want to make it work, or to say nothing and hope that he doesn't notice.
Ugh. Well, writing this out certainly helped me identify some of my specific areas of anxiety. But I'm realizing that I am incompetent in literally every area of sexual performance -- everything from kissing and foreplay to thrusting to the finish line.
