Feeling All the Feels

I'm kind of in the boat of "explore cautiously". Meet up as friends. If there's a spark, see where it leads without burning everything else. Obviously be transparent where you should be, obviously don't rush into anything and tread very carefully. But better to confirm chemistry in person - regardless of where it leads - rather than always wonder what you may have missed and foster unconscious resentment/regret.


Staff member
I don't see that there's any urgency to meet this guy, much less be all excited about whether there might be a "spark" or not...

You need to draw a line. That's called being a kid in a candy store...

I don't see any reason, when you've already got 3 bfs, and are somewhat struggling with 2 of them, to go off and try to ball one of their gf's bfs, just because you're horny and get butterflies when you talk to him. Not every attraction needs to be acted upon. I'd slow my roll a bit.

I agree with Mags.

I do think you are correct about this, though. My butterflies are likely a product of my relationship anxieties -- when I am anxious about a current relationship, I tend to fixate on a *potential* relationship as a way of seeking validation and assurance that I am desirable. It's less about wanting to fuck everyone in sight and more about seeking self-worth.

I shouldn't be seeking dating and flirting as a method of validation, but especially not from my boyfriend's girlfriend's husband.

Yes! You're jumping on any excuse to avoid dealing with your fears about being inadequate as a lover, and having this extreme sexual anxiety which leads to vaginismus. It seems to me you're almost using your crush on this guy as a tool to avoid dealing with something that needs deep attention.

I remember when I was going through this with Laptop -- the "Is this just a friendship?" thing. And I would read into all these little details like this. But ultimately, I think Mags is right.....just because I probably could fuck him if I wanted to (because we have a baseline level of trust, attraction, and respect....and because he is hard-up for opportunities), doesn't mean I should.

eh, go fuck him, or don't, but yeah, meeting him is about getting it out of fantasy and into reality.

...Get in the goddamn car.

Honestly? What is the point? MsE is having enough trouble with her 3 current bfs. Does she really need to think about having a 4th bf? Is that "fun," or is it just an escape hatch? What does she have to offer the new guy? She can't even deal well with her emotions and sexual difficulties with Whiskers in a sufficient way currently. Does she need another man to worry about fitting into her tense vagina?

I'm kind of in the boat of "explore cautiously". Meet up as friends. If there's a spark, see where it leads without burning everything else. Obviously be transparent where you should be, obviously don't rush into anything and tread very carefully. But better to confirm chemistry in person - regardless of where it leads - rather than always wonder what you may have missed and foster unconscious resentment/regret.

It's heading into quad territory. Quads are notoriously messy. (Triads are bad enough.) One wrong move by one person and all 4 people's lives are messed up. Too many interlocking Vs. It sounds horribly confusing and a recipe for disaster.

You'd have
Whiskers+MsE (as lovers)
Whiskers+Rapunzel (as lovers)
Rapunzel+Chameleon (as lovers)
MsE+Chameleon (as metamours and lovers)
MsE+Rapunzel (as metamours)
Whiskers+Curleycue (as spouses)

Add in


and various metamours in that corner.

Whew. It makes me tired just thinking about it.
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What's the point?

Getting to know someone a little better doesn't mean you're suddenly in a relationship. It's just "coffee". It may result in almost no change at all except now being able to put a complete person to the messages. The point is to enjoy getting to know new people and learning a little (or a lot) from each of them, about life and about yourself.
Thanks guys. I really appreciate both perspectives here — I do think that I am focusing on Chameleon in order to avoid the actual work of thinking about my issues with sex. I also think that meeting him in person might be a good idea — to put a face and a voice to all the texting and to get him out of my head and into the real world.


Active member
Not that you've asked, but my 2 cents is that you already have plenty enough to balance things with the partners that you do have, so it's not worth the complication of dating someone new, but on top of that, someone already in your polycule.

But what COULD be beneficial, is that connecting on a social and friendly level gives you a closer friend in the poly community, but also builds a friend bond within your own polycule.

However, if you do decide that you want to keep talking and meet but don't want to make things complicated with sex or a romantic relationship, I'd consider just saying that right up front to set expectations so that you can both just breathe a sigh of relief and stop dancing around each other. If you just say "hey, I've been enjoying our convos and getting to know each other, but I totally agree with you that the polycule complications on top of me already having 3 partners means that this just makes way more sense as a friendship. I just wanted to clear the air with that expectation so we're both on the same page, and now that it's out of the way, I'd enjoy the chance to keep talking and becoming friends, and maybe even meet and hang out. Be that one on one or as part of a larger polycule gathering!"
A little update....

Apparently finding and reading some polyamory-themed romance novels has helped distract me from Chameleon.

It also got me in the mood for some crazy-lovely sex with Glasses.

Maybe all I was looking for was a little drama — drama that can be satisfied in the world of fiction and doesn’t involve anything more complicated than that.
A little moment...

You know how I have been convincing myself that I am bad at sex? Specifically how I think I am bad at thrusting?

Warning: Some of the following anecdote gets a little....specific.

After some bangin’ sex this evening, completely unsolicited, Whiskers said, “I love the way you move on me when you are on top.”

I sat up on my elbow. “Really?”

“Yeah. I love how you ride me and how focused you are. How you move your body so that my cock makes you feel so good.”

“And does it feel good for you?”

“Yeah. Of course — it feels great.”

I probably looked relieved. “I’m so glad...I often feel so....selfish.”

He looked surprised for a moment. Then he shrugged. “Well, I’m telling you what I want. And what I want is to watch you cum over and over again.”

Me: “Well great! Because I enjoy that too!” :D



seriously happy for you. I'm so glad he said what he was thinking!!!!!
That's so sweet! (And sounds like something I would say). It's so nice when a lover points out something specific like that. ^_^


Staff member
Great news!
Flirting without intent...

Chameleon and I have been texting. Texting a lot. Revealing more personal information. Saucier information. He has texted me two photos of himself in body-revealing clothing — in the context of getting my opinion on the clothing, but still....I invited him out with me and Glasses this weekend — he said that the timing didn’t work, but that he was tempted.

I have been trying to remember what you all have told me on here — that I can have a flirtatious friendship that doesn’t have to “go anywhere.” That I can enjoy it for what it is and not make it more than that.

I can be attracted to him. And I don’t have to wonder if he thinks the same of me.
I can get butterflies in my tummy. And I don’t have to fuck him.
I can enjoy chatting with him. And I don’t have to date him.
I’m bad at this....

Well, I am fairly confident in my ability to continue this friendship without it actually *becoming* something more....but I am finding it almost impossible to not *want* something more. It’s stupid, but my heart gets all fluttery when I see a message from him come through on my phone.

Am I am NRE junkie? Or maybe not even NRE — but like a crush/flirtation junkie?

I am probably going to meet him in about 2 months. I have a work thing in his part of the state and so we will probably meet up for coffee or lunch. For better or for worse, there is an end in sight to the pen-pal-only nature of this friendship.


Do you even have time for it to be something more? I'm a little perplexed, honestly. It sounds like your dance card is pretty full! What would the reality of this being more actually entail and how would it affect your current connections?
Do you even have time for it to be something more? I'm a little perplexed, honestly. It sounds like your dance card is pretty full! What would the reality of this being more actually entail and how would it affect your current connections?

Exactly! I have no time for more relationships. That’s why I’m annoyed with myself. This is so ridiculous. I’m just feeling stressed and looking for distraction and escape.

Ugh. My romance novel was helping me to not think about him, but I finished it last weekend. I need to find a new romance novel.
Feelin’ Sad....

So Chameleon texted me this morning saying that he is going to catch up with me after he gets back from his trip to visit his long-distance girlfriend. I knew that he was going to visit her and expected that he wouldn’t be texting me while on his trip, but somehow I am feeling the loss of his daily chats more acutely than I had expected.

After reading folks’ responses to my other thread (about crushing when you are polysaturated) I am questioning whether I am *really* polysaturated. It’s so easy to chat with him. I wouldn’t need more of a connection than text and an occasional visit. My relationship with Whiskers didn’t significantly impact the amount of time I spend with Ponytail....

No, I don’t think that the issue is polysaturation. The issue is uncertainty about what that would mean for our other relationships/meta-relationships, and, specifically, my fear that if I led things in that direction and he wasn’t interested I would feel like a fool like 10x over.
Love in the time of Coronavirus

Wow. It’s been a long time since I have updated.

Well, obviously, like the rest of the world, I have been working from home, parenting my kids, trying to help them with distance learning, and generally feeling isolated and worried about the future.

Within all that, I started chatting with someone new from OKC. He seems really lovely and is very interesting to talk to. He seems to mostly be looking for platonic friends and maybe cuddle buddies. He asked me if I wanted to meet up in person and I said no, due to the safer-at-home order, but offered a video chat and we talked for over 2 hours. It was fun. I don’t know what, if anything, will come of it. He has definitely slowed down his messaging once I said I wasn’t willing to meet up in person right now, but that’s fine. I know that a big part of what he is wanting is physical contact (he is demisexual and so he isn’t wanting sex anytime soon, but he is craving cuddling) and so he may be focusing on other potentials right now who might be in a position to offer that. Or maybe our chats haven’t even slowed down and it’s just my imagination.

Anyway, I really like him a lot. Like everyone else I have taken a serious interest in, he is a 98% match with me. He is thoughtful and I enjoy our conversations.

He has a “fluid” relationship with a loving partner. I kinda get the impression that he normally has a very active relationship with them and is looking for something to supplement that — especially now during the quarantine while he is living alone and can’t spend time with them.

It’s hard for me to know exactly what he wants from me, actually. He asked me what I was looking for and I said I wasn’t sure — that I basically just like to be open to possibilities but that I knew I didn’t have time for a commitment of more than once every 3-5 weeks. Then I asked him “what about you?” and he seemed to say he was looking for a mostly-platonic relationship, ideally with someone who could come stay the night for cuddles every 2-4 weeks. So I guess I’m not sure if that’s what he wants *from OKC* or if that’s what he wants *from me* — I hate when people ask what I’m “looking for” because it isn’t a personal question, it’s a general question, and therefore means pretty much nothing to the person that is being asked.

Maybe I need to re-ask and be more specific to myself and ask what he hopes for *from me.*
War and Peace

It’s been over a year since I have been here. But something has happened and I feel the need to come back and talk.

Whiskers’ polyfamily is breaking up. I had always felt that — from what Whiskers had told me — it seemed as though Curleycue and Kitchenbear could be really hard on Whiskers. What I didn’t realize — since I am not actively involved in their family life — was just how deeply it all went. Once Whiskers got clarity and help from family, friends, and support hotlines, he realized that Kitchenbear has been mentally/emotionally abusing him for years. What I had interpreted as Kitchenbear and Curleycue both being hard on Whiskers sounds as though it is more like a dynamic in which Curleycue was reluctantly siding with Kitchenbear because it was safer for the family to take his position and try to soften it than it was to take a stand in opposition to him.

Whiskers is out of that house now, but it is unclear whether Curleycue is going to do the same or whether she will stay with Kitchenbear. What is clear is that there will be a massive custody battle. There are months and potentially years of conflict ahead.

I feel so scared. Scared for Whiskers, scared for the kids, scared for the weeks and months (and years?) ahead. I know that this is better for Whiskers. And eventually I hope it will be better for the kids too. But in the meantime….what lies ahead is the looming specter of unknown chaos.

I wish there was more that I could do. I feel like a shell of a person — just a vessel for countless worries. I wish I were there with him — to comfort and support him. But I also know that he will need space from me while he is going through this. He will need time to manage all the details of this fight and the transition for his kids. He may not want to see me for awhile. Our relationship may change as his family life changes. Our relationship may have to end. I am aware of the fact that these are extreme stressors — that maintaining a (relatively) casual relationship in the face of those stressors may be too much for him, and that there may be nothing I can do to make that reality different. But that won’t make it hurt any less.
Man, I sure do love him. I got to talk to him on Skype last night and it was so good and reassuring to see his face. He seems so at peace with this decision and relieved to be out of the house. He described himself as just feeling so free. Even though there are struggles ahead, it is so clear that this is the right move.

I am also feeling particularly grateful to have Ponytail and Glasses to support me right now. At the time when all of this happened, we were on vacation together (with the kids) and both of them were so supportive of me — both of them working to make sure that I had one-on-one time with each of them so that I could talk about all of this without the kids listening. I love them all so much.


Staff member
Despite your worries, it sounds like Whiskers feels great to have gotten out of there. I'm sure things will be much improved over the long run. I hope your relationship with him will remain stable!