Feeling All the Feels

Instead of focusing on what you "should" do (there are no shoulds in sex), have you considered having a frank conversation with your partners about what they enjoy in general, and what they enjoy with you? I think you might find that helpful.

The losing interest in sex with Glasses is its own issue, I think. You'll have to make a decision on how you want to handle that.

I did have a nice long conversation with Ponytail about all of this. I told him the 5 areas where I had been feeling inadequate and he was very reassuring. It helps to hear that from someone who has had sex with so many people.

And then last night I didn’t talk with Whiskers about *all* of my insecurities, but I did bring up the fact that that I really enjoy telling him how much I appreciate him — and that I would love it if he did the same. We had a good conversation and he explained that he avoids “tit for tat” compliments that feel in genuine. He acknowledged that he does have those kinds of thoughts and that he should should make an effort to text me when he does. It was a good conversation.

As for Glasses, I made a date with him for today. When we made plans I expressed to him that I want to reconnect with him physically. So I am hoping for some quality intimacy and maybe some good conversation about what we would both like to see develop in our sexual relationship.

Thank you!
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Instead of focusing on what you "should" do (there are no shoulds in sex), have you considered having a frank conversation with your partners about what they enjoy in general, and what they enjoy with you? I think you might find that helpful.

Absolutely! Ongoing conversations. I think most people are willing to have sex, but most are unwilling to talk about it! So strange, when you think about it. It's seen as embarrassing, threatening and shameful to talk about sex with one's partners. Our stupid puritanical society.

I am unusually open about talking about sex because I want to break down those taboos.

Not that I am perfect. One problem I have talking about sex with a more dominant partner is that I am (mostly) a sub, and I get off on power exchange, so I don't want to upset the illusion that he is in charge.

The losing interest in sex with Glasses is its own issue, I think. You'll have to make a decision on how you want to handle that.

I did have a nice long conversation with Ponytail about all of this. I told him the 5 areas where I had been feeling inadequate and he was very reassuring. It helps to hear that from someone who has had sex with so many people.

Speaking about Glasses, you said he was at least 4 times bigger than Ponytail? I am imagining a 3" penis next to a 12." Is that correct?

Oddly, bigger penises can feel better than small ones. Our vaginas are incredibly stretchy. We can hold a tiny tampon or birth a 10 lb baby. Maybe because of your (what I am thinking of as) vaginismus, the bigger cock is actually better for you, stretches you out, gives you more pleasure, than a smaller penis which doesn't get inside very far.

I said on that other thread that I prefer a bigger penis because I have a deep vagina, and I've got a big ass and thighs, so it just takes more length to really get inside and fill me, stimulate my g-spot, etc.

We are all different though! I know women with shorter vaginas can hate above average sized penises. And I hate a big cock in my ass. A small one is plenty, tyvm. (I'm not a huge fan of anal, in general.)

And then last night I didn’t talk with Whiskers about *all* of my insecurities, but I did bring up the fact that that I really enjoy telling him how much I appreciate him — and that I would love it if he did the same. We had a good conversation and he explained that he avoids “tit for tat” compliments that feel in genuine. He acknowledged that he does have those kinds of thoughts and that he should should make an effort to text me when he does. It was a good conversation.

As for Glasses, I made a date with him for today. When we made plans I expressed to him that I want to reconnect with him physically. So I am hoping for some quality intimacy and maybe some good conversation about what we would both like to see develop in our sexual relationship.

Thank you!

That's great news! Talking it out is scary, but it's always better to deal with reality rather than catastrophize about the unknown.

That's a good start with Whiskers. As I said, ongoing conversations are key. You discussed one topic. Good, no need, as GalaGirl would say, to "Whoosh" and open the gunnysack with all the fears and issues inside, all at once.
 
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Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
As for your wonderings about whether the enjoyment of sex comes from oneself, or from the style or physical attributes of one's partner(s): I think it's a combination.

Certainly, with a low partner count, and you're inexperience with different styles and bodies, your experience is dependent more on them than on your own. You had a habit, with your first partner, of lying there during PIV, hoping the penis didn't slip out, feeling bad that you were too tight, waiting for it to be over, not cumming.

But then, with the 2nd partner, sex was better. And now, with the 3rd guy, even better.

I think sex, like anything, takes practice to make perfect. As you learn more, you get better at creating the sex you like. I had some so-so experiences back in my teens. But the more I did sex, the more I learned what I liked, the more I had partners with various body and penis shapes and sizes, and tastes and skills, the better I got about speaking up about what I needed, or taking a position that got me off best, etc., etc., the better sex got. Now I can have pretty good sex with most people, unless he or she is just a real dud, that is, selfish, lazy, really hung up, or completely lacking imagination. On OKCupid I tried to screen out anyone who seemed they'd be boring at sex, either before we met in chat, or on the first date by talking and body language, or maybe on the second date where we did sex stuff. Next!

Not to toot my own horn, but, I have so much fun with sex, I've taught several people how much better sex can be than they ever knew before. I just enjoy my work haha. I've been with people who had deep sexual hangups, but were open-minded to learning, have really good, and more shame or guilt-free sex, than they were used to having.

I also really turned off a very repressed Dom who thought I enjoyed sex "too much." We muddled along for a while, because the kink aspect was fun for me, but I really outclassed him, and finally got tired of how repressed he was, which made him need to control and be in charge of others' behavior. The hell with that shit.

It's too bad you felt shamed by reading boards where people in general complained about women who "starfished" or people who don't like tongue kissing, etc. We are all different. Probably the people who don't like tongue kissing just didn't speak up. Certainly the women who have vaginismus didn't speak up. I'm sure lots of men don't think a woman can be "too tight." All these jokes about how bad sex is with women who are "too loose..." "throwing a hot dog down a hallway." Pfft. Women's vaginas are stretchy! The idea that someone's vagina can be permanently loosened from "too much sex," is a fallacy. I think woman can have weak pelvic floors from not enough sex. There is all this talk of doing Kegels, but actually having sex or masturbating, is the best way to "do Kegels," imo.

Do you ever masturbate with dildos or cylindrical vibes? Do you have trouble putting in tampons? Have you ever talked to a GYN or midwife about being hypertonic in your vaginal muscles?
 
Speaking about Glasses, you said he was at least 4 times bigger than Ponytail? I am imagining a 3" penis next to a 12." Is that correct?

No, I'm not measuring size based on length alone. I'm referring to total volume. So, thinking of the penis as an approximate cylinder and using 3.14 as an estimate of pi, I'd say that Glasses has a length of about 4" and a total volume of about 3.5 cubic inches and Ponytail has a length of about 8" and a total volume of about 13.45 cubic inches.

Oddly, bigger penises can feel better than small ones. Our vaginas are incredibly stretchy. We can hold a tiny tampon or birth a 10 lb baby. Maybe because of your (what I am thinking of as) vaginismus, the bigger cock is actually better for you, stretches you out, gives you more pleasure, than a smaller penis which doesn't get inside very far.

I agree that I think that this is true for me. I wish it didn't make me feel bad to acknowledge that a little more size actually helps me significantly. Oddly enough, plenty of women have made Ponytail feel bad for having too big of a penis. But it feels like there is a huge stigma against women who prefer a larger penis -- like it makes them greedy.
 
As for your wonderings about whether the enjoyment of sex comes from oneself, or from the style or physical attributes of one's partner(s): I think it's a combination.

Certainly, with a low partner count, and you're inexperience with different styles and bodies, your experience is dependent more on them than on your own. You had a habit, with your first partner, of lying there during PIV, hoping the penis didn't slip out, feeling bad that you were too tight, waiting for it to be over, not cumming.

But then, with the 2nd partner, sex was better. And now, with the 3rd guy, even better.

I think sex, like anything, takes practice to make perfect. As you learn more, you get better at creating the sex you like. I had some so-so experiences back in my teens. But the more I did sex, the more I learned what I liked, the more I had partners with various body and penis shapes and sizes, and tastes and skills, the better I got about speaking up about what I needed, or taking a position that got me off best, etc., etc., the better sex got. Now I can have pretty good sex with most people, unless he or she is just a real dud, that is, selfish, lazy, really hung up, or completely lacking imagination. On OKCupid I tried to screen out anyone who seemed they'd be boring at sex, either before we met in chat, or on the first date by talking and body language, or maybe on the second date where we did sex stuff. Next!

Not to toot my own horn, but, I have so much fun with sex, I've taught several people how much better sex can be than they ever knew before. I just enjoy my work haha. I've been with people who had deep sexual hangups, but were open-minded to learning, have really good, and more shame or guilt-free sex, than they were used to having.

I think you are right. Glasses and I learned so much together, but our learning experience was in a vacuum -- we weren't exposed to other ideas/skills than what we each brought to the table. If we had had the experience of negotiating sexual experiences with more people than just each other, we likely would have had an easier time figuring things out. It's important for me to also remember that because I have learned to have sex one way with Glasses doesn't mean we can't unlearn those habits. It will likely take more work, but I think we can get there.

It's too bad you felt shamed by reading boards where people in general complained about women who "starfished" or people who don't like tongue kissing, etc. We are all different. Probably the people who don't like tongue kissing just didn't speak up. Certainly the women who have vaginismus didn't speak up. I'm sure lots of men don't think a woman can be "too tight." All these jokes about how bad sex is with women who are "too loose..." "throwing a hot dog down a hallway." Pfft. Women's vaginas are stretchy! The idea that someone's vagina can be permanently loosened from "too much sex," is a fallacy. I think woman can have weak pelvic floors from not enough sex. There is all this talk of doing Kegels, but actually having sex or masturbating, is the best way to "do Kegels," imo.

Thank you. It's definitely helpful to remember that internet forums are not a representative sample of the population. They are self-selecting and people come to those topics with a variety of motivations and experiences.

Do you ever masturbate with dildos or cylindrical vibes? Do you have trouble putting in tampons? Have you ever talked to a GYN or midwife about being hypertonic in your vaginal muscles?

Yes, I masturbate with dildos. I don't masturbate often, though, so it's not like I get a lot of practice with them. I also move my hips against the dildo rather than moving the dildo within my vagina....so my vagina really doesn't get the "in and out" experience other than during PIV with Glasses and Whiskers. (Really, I think this is a huge part of what made sex with Ponytail so awesome -- because of his larger size and him not wanting to hurt me, I have always been the one moving rather than the cock being the one to move.)

I used to hate tampons but I haven't used one in over a year. I switched to a menstrual cup and now I have a hormonal IUD and so I only use pantyliners.

I have always made my nurse practitioners/midwives aware of how my body responds to penetration. They usually use the smallest speculum when doing a pap smear. Cervical exams when I had my babies were awful. It was clear when I was giving birth to both my children that my cervical exams were not accurate (as in, I would feel to the midwife that I was less dilated than I was because of my anxiety and tension).

I was diagnosed with vaginismus and referred to a sexual medical center many years ago. I don't think I actually have it, though, because it isn't consistently painful to have sex. In any case, the process of answering the questions on the paperwork gave me a panic attack and I didn't end up going to the clinic. (Probably a pretty good sign that I needed that therapy, eh?)
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
I think you are right. Glasses and I learned so much together, but our learning experience was in a vacuum -- we weren't exposed to other ideas/skills than what we each brought to the table. If we had had the experience of negotiating sexual experiences with more people than just each other, we likely would have had an easier time figuring things out. It's important for me to also remember that because I have learned to have sex one way with Glasses doesn't mean we can't unlearn those habits. It will likely take more work, but I think we can get there.

Honestly Knight and I are doing some of this relearning work right now too - we were also each others' first partners and while I've had a lot more experience than you in between, there's still a level of there are certain things Knight knows how to do that he's better at than anyone else BUT there are a lot of other things that Artist, and some other lovers, have been better at, including PIV (and I feel like our PIV was better in our 20's but isn't now, not sure why that is - could be my body changing with kid/age, could be other stuff, I don't know).

But when we manage to get in the same place the intimacy is still worth it, whether or not the PIV happens in the way I want it to.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
I think you are right. Glasses and I learned so much together, but our learning experience was in a vacuum -- we weren't exposed to other ideas/skills than what we each brought to the table. If we had had the experience of negotiating sexual experiences with more people than just each other, we likely would have had an easier time figuring things out. It's important for me to also remember that because I have learned to have sex one way with Glasses doesn't mean we can't unlearn those habits. It will likely take more work, but I think we can get there.


Thank you. It's definitely helpful to remember that internet forums are not a representative sample of the population. They are self-selecting, and people come to those topics with a variety of motivations and experiences.


Yes, I masturbate with dildos. I don't masturbate often, though, so it's not like I get a lot of practice with them. I also move my hips against the dildo rather than moving the dildo within my vagina....so my vagina really doesn't get the "in and out" experience other than during PIV with Glasses and Whiskers. (Really, I think this is a huge part of what made sex with Ponytail so awesome -- because of his larger size and him not wanting to hurt me, I have always been the one moving rather than the cock being the one to move.)

I used to hate tampons but I haven't used one in over a year. I switched to a menstrual cup, and now I have a hormonal IUD and so I only use pantyliners.

I have always made my nurse practitioners/midwives aware of how my body responds to penetration. They usually use the smallest speculum when doing a pap smear. Cervical exams when I had my babies were awful. It was clear when I was giving birth to both my children that my cervical exams were not accurate (as in, I would feel to the midwife that I was less dilated than I was because of my anxiety and tension).

I was diagnosed with vaginismus and referred to a sexual medical center many years ago. I don't think I actually have it, though, because it isn't consistently painful to have sex. In any case, the process of answering the questions on the paperwork gave me a panic attack and I didn't end up going to the clinic. (Probably a pretty good sign that I needed that therapy, eh?)

Yes, it's probably a sign you need to talk to a professional about your anxiety/tension/fears around sex. And I'm sure the vaginismus tension can come and go. I don't think it has to be a 24/7 thing to be diagnosed that way. I can't help but wonder if there was (perhpaps buried) sexual abuse or severe brainwashing around how sex is bad, or something like that, in your past. It's something you can discover and work through.

You seem to have turned to being more of a Domme to stay more in control in sexual situations. Of course, many D types do have hangups around sex, or in life in general, and take control during kink or sex out of fear and discomfort. Some D types are completenly "stone," that is, do not allow themselves to be touched at all by others.

BDSM can be a very therapeutic tool to work some things out, but regular therapy or that sex clinic should help a lot too.

You're certainly just one of billions who have hangups around sex, from prior abuse/rape, or being shamed about our sexuality by family, or just from weird puritanical/Christian type brainwashing from society in general.

I had a pretty good sex life in my late teens, and 20s and 30s, but I really came into my own in my early 40s. I think we get to a point where we are less about pleasing others, and more about making sure we are pleased (while still being loving and generous to our partners, of course). But it's really great to make it a priority, to take care of ourselves.

So, your initial question about fearing you're not pleasing Whiskers by not being into tongue kissing, not "performing" sex correctly, has led to a deeper discussion about what the problem really is within yourself, and what the solutions could be. It's Yule, it's a time of planning and dreaming and letting the light start to shine on what we need, want and desire for ourselves. I hope you start to be less detached from your body and are able to open up and out to the best sex of your life, with your present partners, and with anyone else in the future that comes your way.
 
Yes, it's probably a sign you need to talk to a professional about your anxiety/tension/fears around sex. And I'm sure the vaginismus tension can come and go. I don't think it has to be a 24/7 thing to be diagnosed that way. I can't help but wonder if there was (perhpaps buried) sexual abuse or severe brainwashing around how sex is bad, or something like that, in your past. It's something you can discover and work through.

My parents were always fairly sex-positive -- or at least they tried to be. I remember when I was a teenager (maybe 16 years old?) listening to an NPR piece about sexual development and the expert said that a certain percentage of girls had had an orgasm by age 18, versus (what they expected to be) 100% of boys having had an orgasm by the same age. I remember my mom remarking on how shocking that was -- she said, "Isn't that crazy that so many girls haven't ever had an orgasm?" I shrugged and told her that I hadn't had an orgasm yet. She was so stunned! She just said, "Oh! Are you sure?" :confused: So she definitely was trying to be sex-positive, but it wasn't like she sat me down and told me how to do it or anything. (And, I'm guessing, she wouldn't have been very helpful anyway.)

My dad was also (trying to be) sex-positive, I think. But I got some weird messages around it from him too. I remember him off-handedly remarking on how he wouldn't ever want to be in a relationship where oral sex wasn't on the table -- in his mind, that was the way to ensure that a woman's needs were met. When I told him that (at least at the time) that wasn't something I enjoyed, he was baffled.

So, in a weird way, I think that my parents were (themselves) sex-positive....but that they didn't really know how to communicate with me about it.....and so they left me feeling like a weird freak who was incapable of a healthy sex life.

You seem to have turned to being more of a Domme to stay more in control in sexual situations. Of course, many D types do have hangups around sex, or in life in general, and take control during kink or sex out of fear and discomfort.

Yeah, that's definitely me.

So, your initial question about fearing you're not pleasing Whiskers by not being into tongue kissing, not "performing" sex correctly, has led to a deeper discussion about what the problem really is within yourself, and what the solutions could be. It's Yule, it's a time of planning and dreaming and letting the light start to shine on what we need, want and desire for ourselves. I hope you start to be less detached from your body and are able to open up and out to the best sex of your life, with your present partners, and with anyone else in the future that comes your way.

Yeah, thinking about it now, I think I definitely got some weird messages about what sex "should" be and what was considered "normal" -- messages that left me feeling very abnormal.....which likely (combined with my anxiety) has made me dig in my heels a bit when it comes to drawing hard lines at what I do and do not like. Ugh. It's a lot to unpack.
 

Vicki82

Member
Yeah, thinking about it now, I think I definitely got some weird messages about what sex "should" be and what was considered "normal" -- messages that left me feeling very abnormal.....which likely (combined with my anxiety) has made me dig in my heels a bit when it comes to drawing hard lines at what I do and do not like. Ugh. It's a lot to unpack.

But sex isn't supposed to be normal. It's supposed to be whatever you want it to be. Think of it like going to a buffet... yeah, that looks a little dried out so I'll pass, or I don't like that dish but OMG that's my favourite let's do more of that!!!

And on different days we want different things (or at least I do- I'm sure that not everyone does!). I have different flavours of sex with everyone. It's all about our mutual likes and connection and energy. I don't think there ever is or should be normal anything in sex, except consent.
 
A crush?

Do you remember Chameleon? I have added him (and Rapunzel) back into the Metamours and In-Laws section of my signature.

So, to re-cap, Rapunzel is my nickname for Whiskers's girlfriend. They have been together for about 6 years. It is semi-long-distance because she lives about 1.5 hours away. I met her (VERY briefly) when Whiskers and I had just started dating -- before we had even kissed -- and have not seen her since. Even Whiskers sees her pretty infrequently -- when he and I first got together he mentioned that they only see each other about once every couple months and in the time that I have been dating him, he has only mentioned getting together with her three times (although I know they talk on the phone more often than that and I'm sure there have been times when they have gotten together and I haven't heard about it.

Last year, around this time, I figured out that a guy from OKC that I was talking to was actually Rapunzel's husband. Crazy-small-world! Still can't believe I figured it out (especially given that he and his wife are very closeted due to their work, and so he had masked a lot of details about his identity). Anyway, we had only been chatting in a friendly sort of way -- and so when he joked that we should date to "make it even more incestuous" I was a little surprised for a moment, joked back that neither of us really had time to date, and then he clarified that he thought it would complicate things to have too many connections.

Okay, so definitely just friends, right?

Our texting slowed down after we realized that we were in the same social network, but we still shoot each other a text and have a little conversation maybe once a month.

So yesterday I shot him a message about another weird OKC coincidence that I encountered and yesterday-into-today we exchanged some messages.

And....suddenly today I can't stop thinking about him.

I recognize that this is all in my head. And that I don't even actually know him. I have been occasionally chatting with him for over a year, but I have literally never even met him.

But I feel like I know him, you know? Our small talk has led us to discussion of a number of similar interests. And we have some similar ideas about polyamory, love, relationships......

And the fact that he is married to Rapunzel and I am dating Whiskers just makes it.....confusing.

Because on the one hand, it makes it so that I am nervous to EVER meet him. Because what if we are awkward or weird and it puts a weird vibe into Rapunzel and Whiskers' relationship? I feel like he is "off-limits" in a way.

And yet, I also have this idea in my head....this "what if?" What if we all got together for drinks and he and I sparked? What if Whiskers and Rapunzel thought it was really cool that we could all hang out together? What if we could all be together and play board games together and have fun foursomes together? Wouldn't that be so . . . lovely?

And . . . fucking unrealistic?

But is it unrealistic? (Maybe the foursomes . . . but . . .) How crazy is it that he and I hit it off completely independently? Without even knowing that we had a mutual connection? And such a bizarre twist of fate that we *didn't* know that we had a mutual connection until it was kinda okay that we did? What I mean by that is, well, if we had known that we had a mutual connection right away -- when I had first started dating Whiskers -- we probably would have been like, "Oh, this is weird," and stopped talking. Or I would have felt like I had to keep talking to him in order to maintain good relations with my "in-laws." But instead, we didn't realize our mutual connection until my relationship with Whiskers was (relatively) established and Chameleon and I had already been talking long enough to know that we enjoyed chatting -- that we weren't being forced into it by social obligations.

I haven't had a consistent, "I like you" vibe with a lot of people I've met by chatting on OKC and text. Ponytail, Laptop....Kippah to a certain extent. (Whiskers was an anomaly because our initial texts weren't all that exciting, but I knew him in person from a long time ago so we had an "in" with each other already.) But I would definitely put my texts with Chameleon in that category. I like to hear from him, and get a fluttery feeling in my belly when I do. If we lived in the same town, we would have met by now. I would have asked if we could meet up for coffee ages ago. But instead, he lives 1.5 hours away... and we have a weird metamour/in-law situation going on that complicates things.

Part of me wants to just ask him out for coffee and fucking drive to his town to meet up with him. Just get it over with. Meet in person. See if there's actually any chemistry or if it's all in your fucking head, MsEmotional!

And another part of me wants to just wait until someday I casually run into him at a social event (he was supposed to be at a party that I went to last year, but Rapunzel got sick and so they didn't go).

And another part of me thinks it would be best if we never meet. Because we've already been randomly texting for over a year! How weird would it be to meet now?

What should I do? Nothing? Something? Should I see if he wants to FaceTime or something? Is that super fucking weird? It's super fucking weird, right? I feel so awkward!
__________________
 

Evie

Mod
Do it.

Get in the car, go meet him.
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
I agree with Evie. Bigger it gets in your head, the weirder it will be.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Eh, I disagree with you, ladies.

I don't see that there's any urgency to meet this guy, much less be all excited about whether there might be a "spark" or not.

In poly, when we're new, there's a tendency to think, wow! I can fuck him and him and HIM and her, and him! So, I'm gonna go fuck a thousand people! I'm gonna fuck my bf's gf! I'm gonna fuck my gf's bf! I'm gonna fuck all my platonic friends. I can flirt and get them to want me and I can fuck fuck fuck and flirt and fuck, and.... who needs to sleep or eat or work or do laundry?

You need to draw a line. That's called being a kid in a candy store.

Obviously Ms Emotional has it goin' on. She's got 3 guys who love her or at least like her and love to fuck her. She's got some kinda charisma, even though she's riddled with anxiety and self doubt. Maybe that insecurity is even part of her charm.

I don't see any reason, when you've already got 3 bfs, and are somewhat struggling with 2 of them, to go off and try to ball one of their gf's bfs, just because you're horny and get butterflies when you talk to him. Not every attraction needs to be acted upon. I'd slow my roll a bit.
 

Dagferi

Well-known member
I agree with Mags.
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
I didn’t say go sleep with him, I said _meet_ him. With any luck the chemistry is an artifact of online flirtation (I’ve met people that I had had fabulous banter with online that were attractive in real life and yet I had zero desire to sleep with them despite having planned to before actually physically meeting.)

It’s not even that I’m in favor of the whole thing turning into anything more than the text banter it is now - I’m just in favor of _clarity_ which is a thing that can’t happen with him an online mystery.
 

PinkPig

Active member
Has anything changed since you joked with him about dating before? Has he indicated that dating would feel less "incestuous" now than he thought it would before? Or, do you have more time available now than you did before? If not, I might be inclined to just enjoy it for what it is...a flirty friendship that gives you butterflies and makes you feel good!
 
Eh, I disagree with you, ladies.

I don't see that there's any urgency to meet this guy, much less be all excited about whether there might be a "spark" or not.

For what it's worth, I didn't interpret what Evie and Icesong were saying as meaning that I should go fuck him, but rather that spinning a guy up in my head is unproductive.

I don't see any reason, when you've already got 3 bfs, and are somewhat struggling with 2 of them, to go off and try to ball one of their gf's bfs, just because you're horny and get butterflies when you talk to him. Not every attraction needs to be acted upon. I'd slow my roll a bit.

I do think you are correct about this, though. My butterflies are likely a product of my relationship anxieties -- when I am anxious about a current relationship, I tend to fixate on a *potential* relationship as a way of seeking validation and assurance that I am desirable. It's less about wanting to fuck everyone in sight and more about seeking self-worth.

I shouldn't be seeking dating and flirting as a method of validation, but especially not from my boyfriend's girlfriend's husband.
 
Has anything changed since you joked with him about dating before? Has he indicated that dating would feel less "incestuous" now than he thought it would before? Or, do you have more time available now than you did before? If not, I might be inclined to just enjoy it for what it is...a flirty friendship that gives you butterflies and makes you feel good!

No. Not really. For a little while he would occasionally jump back on OKC to tell me that he was going off of it -- often with a comment about how I'm the only person he finds interesting from there.... and comment a bit about the lack of prospects and how he really doesn't have time to date -- which was a little odd because he has my phone number and the ability to text me, so I'm not sure why he would message me through OKC to tell me that. And when we chat (usually initially about something unrelated to dating) he usually asks me if I'm dating anyone new and comments about how difficult it is to find partners because he and his wife have to be so closeted because of their work, etc.

I think it is because of this that I always get the impression that he would be interested in more with me....because he seems to be invested in keeping me updated on his dating life (or lack thereof) and asking me about my own. And because I know he is nervous about being outed and, well, he's already out to me and I'm already part of a trusted circle for him.

But I'm probably reading into it. He probably comments on that stuff because we are both non-mono and met in the context of OKC. I don't know. The whole thing reminds me of Laptop, and I think that's why I'm getting all up in my head about it.

I remember when I was going through this with Laptop -- the "Is this just a friendship?" thing. And I would read into all these little details like this. But ultimately, I think Mags is right.....just because I probably could fuck him if I wanted to (because we have a baseline level of trust, attraction, and respect....and because he is hard-up for opportunities), doesn't mean I should.
 

MeeraReed

Active member
I think it's reasonable to decide that pursuing things with this guy would add too many complications to your life.

I have a hard limit on not dating my metamours' partners. And poly is a small world, so the opportunity has come up! People who like my partner are quite likely to have their own partner who is my type or who might like me...but I don't wanna. Too messy!

In your case, MsEmotional, I think this is about your feelings for Whiskers. You don't get as much time with him as you want. You find him fascinating--his life, his partners, it all intrigues you. You find Rapunzel intriguing and mysterious. So, if you have a bit of a spark with her husband...why not, you think? It would demystify the whole thing and maybe give you more insight into Whiskers.

The voices telling you to be cautious are probably right. I, personally, do not want to be someone's metamour twice over! Sharing one partner is enough, no reason to share two :)
 

Evie

Mod
eh, go fuck him, or don't, but yeah, meeting him is about getting it out of fantasy and into reality.

I know full well that you can meet someone online and have ZERO spark in person. I fell into that trap in the days of dialup. I'm a big fan of modern online relationships with all that online communications allow, but if you're only that far away, hell, go be in person. I have a 33 hour flight with two layovers to get to Ohio.

Get in the goddamn car.
 
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