I know, it all seems and sounds so intense. Two weeks ago was not the first time my husband had spoken about this, When he could identify and name his orientation, all the pieces fit together over the last several years.
I will look forward to the links. Thank you for the welcome! I really appreciate your advice concerning leaving options open.
I have been absolutely obsessed with all things poly, as I have been grappling with what this is, and what this means for me and my marriage. I don't know if I mentioned that we met when we were both very active in an ultra conservative religion all those years ago (he left 5 years into marriage, I did just earlier this year), so I am working through that aspect as well.
I want to try and see if both my husband and I can be happy with him active in this orientation. If not, then we will have to make adjustments until we both are.
I won't repeat what others have said. It's all good advice. I wanted to comment on the religion part. I imagine that you staying involved long after he did was a struggle, made a distance between you! Why did you finally leave too? Have you made a successful adjustment to leaving that structure and the tenets of that kind of religion? Have you found a new type of Christianity (or whatever religion it was), or left behind that kind of thing and sought a completely different kind of belief, like Buddhism, Hinduism, paganism or atheism?
I am wondering also if your children were thoroughly brainwashed into conservative (religion) with its inherent misogyny, sex shaming, etc. How are they doing? Would they be aware of Dad being out there seeking a new gf?
This reminds me of a recent experience I had. I dated a great guy earlier this year who was raised a staunch Catholic, then converted to an evangelical church in college. He met and married a woman from this religion. They used to proseletize and go on missions to spread the word. They raised 2 daughters in this church.
Big Guy really wanted to help people. He felt that the church was a healthy, warm and life supporting place to be. He was outgoing. He was caring. But he struggled. Because of his big heart and love for people, he would often be attracted to women. He even cheated on his wife several times. Finally, he left the church, and her, when he realized how split in half he felt.
His ex wife and their 2 young teen daughters have not left the church, and bitterly resent him, and his new wife, and her 2 sons from a previous marriage. Big Guy and his new wife both have the freedom to see others; they married as poly individuals. I met him, thought he was awesome and super attractive, and we dated a few months, but then his wife got pregnant and I just realized he didn't have time for me. I felt his big love and limited time should go to his new wife and kids, and especially to the newborn, not to me. He wanted to keep trying, but I didn't feel right. We remain friends.
So. That's one story of the church and poly.
Modern polyamory is feminist based. Men have always had more freedom to have several female partners at once. It's part of the power imbalance of the 3000 year old patriarchy. In polyamory, we women (because of modern birth control, and higher wages, mostly) are claiming our right to have multiple loving sexual partnerships as well. Traditional marriage is highly based on the economic exchange of a wife birthing kids and keeping house, in exchange for financial support from the husband. Men have always had the option of having more women, more or less discreetly. He could even have societally sanctioned multiple wives, and openly have concubines as well (sex slaves).
Now we are making a huge step in a new direction. We are pioneers. People attempt to slut shame us poly women. People think poly women are "easy" and will fuck anyone indiscriminately. Usually people misunderstand poly and imagine it as threesomes, 2 women and one man, in stereotypical patriarchal fashion. Or they think it's swinging. It is not that. At all.
Since Abrahamic religions are based on the patriarchy (you could say they were invented to keep women in submission to men) as we practice polyamory, we continue to loosen the bonds that hold us to many of the belief systems inherent in orthodox Judaism, Christianity and Islam. Women are seen as evil temptresses of men in these religions, stemming back to Eden, in the very beginning. Greek religion, just as ancient, also had its Pandora, who brought evil to the world. You need to go back to ancient Celtic and Nordic religions in the north, and ancient Egyptian and Babylonian religion in the middle east/Africa, to find religions that held on to the idea that women (such as the goddesses Isis, Ishtar, etc.) are men's equals.
