As a Virgin Should I Tell My Mom I Am Poly

[edpsy77]

Although I am not interested in a relationship at the moment, there is a slight possibility I may be interested in one in the future. I call myself poly because I believe that is the orientation that I will accept from my possible girlfriend. So the reference to myself as poly is primarily connected to my agreement with the central ethical positions held by polyamorous people in relationships when it concerns sex and romance.

But anyways, I'm a virgin. I am neither a practicing mono or poly. Yet, if I were ever considering dating I would want my parents to know that I am poly but I add this caveat:

I also want them to ACCEPT that I am poly.

IN a previous discussion with my brother and mother, it is clear they oppose polyamory or even open relationships with just recreational sex. My question is if I get involved in a relationship should I tell them I will only date people who accept polyamory? I feel like my failing to them this could be an act of cowardice but it also could be practical and smart. What would you do?

 

[GalaGirl]

My question is if I get involved in a relationship should I tell them I will only date people who accept polyamory?

I don't know how old you are. But you aren't dating mother or brother. Why do they need to know you are poly at this time? For all they know, you might just be dating and getting to know various people. Which is perfectly fine. One doesn't have to instantly promise to "go steady" with someon they date even in monogamy.

The people you date DO need to know where you stand in your dating practices. It affects them more directly. You tell them what you are and are not up for.

I feel like my failing to them this could be an act of cowardice but it also could be practical and smart. What would you do?

I wouldn't say anything if you are a dependent living at home and in a position where parents can kick you out and then you are screwed when you didn't even do anything wrong. Not all parents are understanding. And some parents HAVE kicked their kids out for things like that.

If you live on your own and are financially independent ? If you want to come out to brother and mother? Where even if they don't like it they can't make you suddenly homeless? Then tell whatever you want and let them deal with themselves.

I also want them to ACCEPT that I am poly.

You can want that. But you cannot control that part. You can control the telling/not telling of your news. That's your part of the job.

How the other person takes it? Whether they are willing to accept it or not? That's their part of the job. They control their willingness.

Galagirl

 

[edpsy77]

You're Correct. Non-Sensitivity to Negative Reactions are often neccessary

I don't know how old you are. But you aren't dating mother or brother. Why do they need to know you are poly at this time?

I am shockingly 46 years old. I could see your point. However, let me provide a couple of facts:

1. My mom suspects I may be gay. Since I am not 19 years old, many of my relatives find it strange that I have never talked about a girlfriend. They would like to know if I am striving to get married. To be honest with you, I am not really pursuing a relationship at this time.

2. She may find out my position on YouTube. I think I will be the first and only virgin on YouTube to put out public videos defending not only polyamory but also swinging. My harsh criticism towards anti-poly bigotry is even more harsh on these videos even though I have many vids which I am calm. They are unlisted now and I do plan to publish them during the summer.


3. Monogamous people don't need to hide any of their lovers. They never have this conversation. Why? Because it is mono is accepted. I find it somewhat demeaning that I feel influenced to conceal my lovers due to the strong possibility of a negative reaction. But as you have said, if you come out, you have to deal with it.

The people you date DO need to know where you stand in your dating practices. It affects them more directly. You tell them what you are and are not up for.

I agree at some point you are obligated to tell them but should you tell them at the first date? I am not sure.

I wouldn't say anything if you are a dependent living at home and in a position where parents can kick you out and then you are screwed when you didn't even do anything wrong. Not all parents are understanding. And some parents HAVE kicked their kids out for things like that.

I am seriously contemplating on doing something very radical that will generate enough money so I will leave home and support them. However, I don't fear they will kick me out even though this could and does happen with many of our poly folks. My concern is that it will put some severe stress on my mom which is caused by the myth of monogamy being an objective moral standard of romantic/sexual behavior. (Note: She is up in age and has some health problems.)

I am conflicted on this. On one hand, my practical brain tells me that there is no way in hell I am going to convince my mom, brother and probably my dad to accept poly. On the other hand, it burns me up that we as poly people have conceal our lifestyles while monos could celebrate theirs without any worry. I think it is safe to say that we are in the same position gays were generally in 30 years ago and some gays are today in the same position especially in the Midwest. A poly glibly told me that this is life and life is not fair. I feel in many ways that is a copout and defeatism.

Gays and many of their straight supporters decided that it is about time we confront anti-gay bigotry. Now some gays kept in the closet and revealed their pair bond to a selective group of people and strived to be the best gay couple or gay single they could be. You have to be happy and live the life you feel is best for you and often ignore and block out the bigotry. But I don't think you can only adopt this strategy in a movement to reduce bigotry. There are times where confrontation of this bigotry is necessary. It doesn't have to be an aggressive confrontation. It could simply be coming out of the closet to family members.

You can want that. But you cannot control that part. You can control the telling/not telling of your news. That's your part of the job.
How the other person takes it? Whether they are willing to accept it or not? That's their part of the job. They control their willingness.
Galagirl

If this were accomplished, polyamory would have been already accepted. The fact is most poly people fail to pull off this very challenging but VERY ideal attitude and approach. I think this is less challenging to do when you are poly dating because our vanilla mono parents who oppose poly can still have hope that you will fall in love with one of your girl/boyfriends and you ultimately decide to be mono in a VERY long term boyfriend/girlfriend relationship where there is hope for marriage. It is a much bigger challenge when you come out of the closet in a poly marriage situation or a marriage that allows girlfriend/boyfriend relationships,. I agree in principle that is what courageous people must do but for many of us it is STRESSFUL. It aint' easy. It ain't easy by a mile.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi edpsy,

I am sorry that your parents and brother (and possibly other relatives as well) are unaccepting of poly/nonmonogamy. It sounds like they have their hopes up that you will soon meet a nice monogamous girl and marry her. Technically you don't have to tell them right now that you're poly, however a time may come in the future in which you'd have a hard time not telling them, such as if you started dating two girlfriends. If you want you can wait for such a future time, and even when it arrives you may be able to keep your poly a secret (from your family). However I don't think that's what you want to do. I think you want to tell your mom (and other family members) right now. The only thing holding you back is fear. If I'm right in saying that, I would encourage you to tell them. If you can work up the courage, tell them. You would feel better about yourself for having done so.

I am thinking that it sometimes angers you when you consider your relatives' unaccepting natures. It sometimes angers you when you consider that polys have to be afraid to out themselves, and when you consider that monos don't have to live with that fear. It's not fair; it's wrong. Polys should not have to live in fear. Polyamory should be accepted by the vast majority. People don't have to understand poly, but they should be willing to accept it. And maybe you are thinking that anti-polys would accept poly if polys would just stand up and argue against those anti-polys. And if polys would just stand up and out themselves to their friends and families. Maybe you feel like polys are cowards if they're not willing to do those things. Maybe you feel like those polys are part of the problem. I am sorry to be one of those polys. Believe me I would love to out myself, if only my two companions weren't so terrified of being outed. I guess all three of us are cowards.

It does not anger me when I consider how many people are unaccepting of poly. It does not anger me when I consider how many polys have to live in fear, have to live in the closet. It saddens me. I believe that poly will be accepted someday, but I'm not kidding myself that this acceptance will come about automatically. There will have to be polys that out themselves. There will have to be people that defend polyamory on the YouTube pages. If I am not willing to do those things, I will have to hope that there will be others who are willing to do those things. And if there are others who are willing, I will certainly owe them a debt of gratitude. It's those people who will pave the way for future generations to live free of fear. Meanwhile I'll make what little contribution I dare to make. I'll continue to post on this forum, and people can visit this forum and read what I have to say. And I'll try to set an example in the way I live my poly life.

I do not say that it is your duty to out yourself to your mom. Indeed, you stand to lose a lot by telling her. She stands to lose a lot by finding out that you are poly. The only reason I encourage you to tell her is because, deep down, I think that you want to tell her. I think that your self-respect depends to some extent on telling her. I think that you feel the fear, and want to take a stand against that fear. And I think you know that it would help the poly cause for you to come out. You want to do your part, even if others (like me) are too cowardly to do their part. So for the sake of your peace of mind, I recommend that you do it. Tell your mom that you are poly. Tell her that you are a poly virgin. It is not a crime to be a poly virgin. You should be able to out yourself, without fear. If you don't do it, others in turn won't be able to do it in the future.

These are just my thoughts and opinions of course. I'll support you in whatever course of action you choose.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

Thank you for more info.

If this is mostly about dealing with your family? Could keep the focus on that.

1. My mom suspects I may be gay.

Could let her suspect whatever. Her thoughts are hers to deal with.

Since I am not 19 years old, many of my relatives find it strange that I have never talked about a girlfriend. They would like to know if I am striving to get married. To be honest with you, I am not really pursuing a relationship at this time.

Could say to relatives who ask you -- "Thank you for your concern. But no need to worry for my sake." Which is a nice way of saying "Not your business."

Or could say "To be honest? I'm not really pursuing a relationship at this time."

If they think it is strange? Their thoughts are their problem to deal with. Not yours.

I could be wrong, but you sound like you worry a lot about what you relatives might think. Is that true?

2. She may find out my position on YouTube. I think I will be the first and only virgin on YouTube to put out public videos defending not only polyamory but also swinging. My harsh criticism towards anti-poly bigotry is even more harsh on these videos even though I have many vids which I am calm. They are unlisted now and I do plan to publish them during the summer.

Could deal with it then. Or decide to tell her now. Up to you.

I find it somewhat demeaning that I feel influenced to conceal my lovers due to the strong possibility of a negative reaction. But as you have said, if you come out, you have to deal with it.

You sound like you would prefer living more authentically, but then you kinda "shrink" yourself from doing so because you worry about what their reaction might be. And then you don't like that you shrink yourself. Is that true?

I agree at some point you are obligated to tell them but should you tell them at the first date? I am not sure.

That's a different topic than coming out to your mom/brother.

When you date people? You decide when you want to tell someone you are dating that you are poly and want a poly relationship. Probably somewhere early on would be good. Doesn't have to be first date if you don't want that. But certainly not 100 dates into it and still not said anything, right?

My concern is that it will put some severe stress on my mom which is caused by the myth of monogamy being an objective moral standard of romantic/sexual behavior. (Note: She is up in age and has some health problems.)

Then you could choose to skip telling her in deference to her health/age. That's not demeaning you. That is YOU making a choice.

Then deal with telling brother separately from telling mom.

On one hand, my practical brain tells me that there is no way in hell I am going to convince my mom, brother and probably my dad to accept poly.

That's what I was saying before. It it NOT your job to convince them to accept anything. Your preferences for how you want to live your life are not up for debate. You get to choose to be how you want to be.

It's on them to decide what they are willing/not willing to accept. If you come out? Their response or reaction will be what it will be.

Your part of the job? Is to decide if you want to share the news with them at this time or not.

• If you decide no? Don't tell them. And be ok with that.
• If you decide yes? Be ok with that. It may go well, it might not. Be prepared either way.

Be ok making your own choices.

On the other hand, it burns me up that we as poly people have conceal our lifestyles while monos could celebrate theirs without any worry.

Could just live your life as you see fit. Celebrate your life however you want.

There are times where confrontation of this bigotry is necessary. It doesn't have to be an aggressive confrontation. It could simply be coming out of the closet to family members.

Then come out to your family if this is what you want to do.

In the end? With internal conflict? The only way out of that I can see is to make a decision. So... you could think it out and then decide. Then be ok with what you decided to go with.

I don't know if might help you any... In my family? I'm the "weird" one. I've been doing stuff "different" for so long, that's become the thing. Having sex when not married, living with a guy, being into women, poly, changing religions, not doing the family business... whatever. Each time? The relatives were all "OMG! It's gonna be DOOM!" And then nothing doom happened. Life just kept on going.

So after years of just quietly living my life however I want? Now when I do something else that is "different?"

The relatives are like "Oh. She's doing it again. Well, you all know she's the different one."

And nobody cares or bats an any more like they used to.

You may have to decide that it's ok to take up the space you do in this world and just live your life how YOU want. Because it is not a dress rehearsal, and you only get the one life.

You don't have to take up the whole planet. But neither do you have to shrink yourself. Take up the space you do and become more comfortable in your own skin.

Tell people you want to tell your news to your news.

People that you don't want to share your news with? Don't tell them anything.

YOU get to decide who you tell things to or not.

They will respond/react however it is they do. Be ok with that.

As you say, it doesn't have to be aggressive confrontation. You could just decide to live your life quietly however it is you want and let other people deal with their own reactions/responses.

I think this is less challenging to do when you are poly dating because our vanilla mono parents who oppose poly can still have hope that you will fall in love with one of your girl/boyfriends and you ultimately decide to be mono in a VERY long term boyfriend/girlfriend relationship where there is hope for marriage. It is a much bigger challenge when you come out of the closet in a poly marriage situation or a marriage that allows girlfriend/boyfriend relationships,. I agree in principle that is what courageous people must do but for many of us it is STRESSFUL. It aint' easy. It ain't easy by a mile.

No it is not easy.

But... it doesn't sound like living with this internal conflict thing is easy on your either. You may have to "pick your hard."

Galagirl

 

[edpsy77]

Thanks For The Advice

Hi edpsy,

I am sorry that your parents and brother (and possibly other relatives as well) are unaccepting of poly/nonmonogamy. It sounds like they have their hopes up that you will soon meet a nice monogamous girl and marry her. Technically you don't have to tell them right now that you're poly, however a time may come in the future in which you'd have a hard time not telling them, such as if you started dating two girlfriends. If you want you can wait for such a future time, and even when it arrives you may be able to keep your poly a secret (from your family). However I don't think that's what you want to do. I think you want to tell your mom (and other family members) right now. The only thing holding you back is fear. If I'm right in saying that, I would encourage you to tell them. If you can work up the courage, tell them. You would feel better about yourself for having done so.

I am thinking that it sometimes angers you when you consider your relatives' unaccepting natures. It sometimes angers you when you consider that polys have to be afraid to out themselves, and when you consider that monos don't have to live with that fear. It's not fair; it's wrong. Polys should not have to live in fear. Polyamory should be accepted by the vast majority. People don't have to understand poly, but they should be willing to accept it. And maybe you are thinking that anti-polys would accept poly if polys would just stand up and argue against those anti-polys. And if polys would just stand up and out themselves to their friends and families. Maybe you feel like polys are cowards if they're not willing to do those things. Maybe you feel like those polys are part of the problem. I am sorry to be one of those polys. Believe me I would love to out myself, if only my two companions weren't so terrified of being outed. I guess all three of us are cowards.

It does not anger me when I consider how many people are unaccepting of poly. It does not anger me when I consider how many polys have to live in fear, have to live in the closet. It saddens me. I believe that poly will be accepted someday, but I'm not kidding myself that this acceptance will come about automatically. There will have to be polys that out themselves. There will have to be people that defend polyamory on the YouTube pages. If I am not willing to do those things, I will have to hope that there will be others who are willing to do those things. And if there are others who are willing, I will certainly owe them a debt of gratitude. It's those people who will pave the way for future generations to live free of fear. Meanwhile I'll make what little contribution I dare to make. I'll continue to post on this forum, and people can visit this forum and read what I have to say. And I'll try to set an example in the way I live my poly life.

I do not say that it is your duty to out yourself to your mom. Indeed, you stand to lose a lot by telling her. She stands to lose a lot by finding out that you are poly. The only reason I encourage you to tell her is because, deep down, I think that you want to tell her. I think that your self-respect depends to some extent on telling her. I think that you feel the fear, and want to take a stand against that fear. And I think you know that it would help the poly cause for you to come out. You want to do your part, even if others (like me) are too cowardly to do their part. So for the sake of your peace of mind, I recommend that you do it. Tell your mom that you are poly. Tell her that you are a poly virgin. It is not a crime to be a poly virgin. You should be able to out yourself, without fear. If you don't do it, others in turn won't be able to do it in the future.

These are just my thoughts and opinions of course. I'll support you in whatever course of action you choose.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Kevin thanks for spending the time for such insightful advice. I will continue to read it over and keep it in my thanks. I am dead serious.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Honestly, I think there isn't any need to tell. For one, she might already know. Secondly, while I think it's great that you've learned about non monogamy in a way that means you'll see it as an option, I don't think one can know polyamory (or anything) works for them if they haven't been there. When you have partners and/ or sex, the added complexity of those feelings might mean that as much as you agree with poly in theory, it isn't right for you.

I wouldn't pigeonhole myself in any sense right now.

 

[kdt26417]

Re (from edpsy77):

"Kevin thanks for spending the time for such insightful advice. I will continue to read it over and keep it in my thanks. I am dead serious."

Glad I could be of help.

 

[TRENNER]

Although I am not interested in a relationship at the moment, there is a slight possibility I may be interested in one in the future. I call myself poly because I believe that is the orientation that I will accept from my possible girlfriend....

But anyways, I'm a virgin. I am neither a practicing mono or poly. Yet, if I were ever considering dating I would want my parents to know that I am poly but I add this caveat:

I also want them to ACCEPT that I am poly.

IN a previous discussion with my brother and mother, it is clear they oppose polyamory or even open relationships with just recreational sex. My question is if I get involved in a relationship should I tell them I will only date people who accept polyamory? …. What would you do?

My basic thought is don't cause disharmony over theoretical matters. Why risk infuriating your family if you might still be without anyone for a while or even end up in an old fashioned monogamous marriage? There are so many other things that are more urgent to cause trouble over.

 

[PolyNatural]

... the reference to myself as poly is primarily connected to my agreement with the central ethical positions held by polyamorous people in relationships when it concerns sex and romance ...

Sounds good.

... I would want my parents to know that I am poly but I add this caveat: I also want them to ACCEPT that I am poly.

Do you need them to accept that you are poly or do you need them to accept polyamory in the same way as you so that you feel you have a meeting of hearts and minds on the subject?

IN a previous discussion with my brother and mother, it is clear they oppose polyamory or even open relationships with just recreational sex. My question is if I get involved in a relationship should I tell them I will only date people who accept polyamory? I feel like my failing to them this could be an act of cowardice but it also could be practical and smart. What would you do?

I would make sure that you clearly know whether or not they can accept you as poly even if they don't relate to it themselves, or whether they would condemn you for accepting your poly nature.

If you need a meeting of hearts and minds on the core concepts of polyamory, don't be surprised if that is nearly impossible. The poly community can't even agree. I just got spanked by an admin for offering my views on another thread, and my views are really well substantiated compared to most off-the-cuff opinions.

On the other hand, if they can accept that you embrace your poly nature, even if they don't get it, or don't want to get it, or it's not for them ( for whatever reason ), don't worry about it. Just carry-on being your poly-self and hopefully you'll meet a kindred spirit.

 

[SenatorBinks27]

A guy goes abroad. What sort of girl should he try to get as a girlfriend?

A virgin? A typical girl that isnt a virgin but not a slut? A slutty girl?

If the girl has experience many guys wont consider marriage and many people in many places in Europe just live together as an unmarried couples instead of marrying.

The only reason to ever marry a girl is if shes a virgin and really special that it might be worth it. Otherwise theres no real point to marriage anymore.

Wow. There's all KINDS of things wrong with what you just said. Like, there is some deep-seated misogyny and sex-negativity in there for starters. Perhaps sprinkled with a dash of nationalistic subtext, since this completely normal and healthy lifestyle you have framed as unfortunate is happening "abroad...in Europe." *psst* it happens EVERYWHERE and there's nothing wrong with it.

There's nothing wrong with women having however much or little sex as they want because they are fucking human beings and can make that choice for themselves. There is also absolutely nothing wrong with sex and having sex as long as it's done consensually and responsibly. And there's nothing wrong with not being married because it's kind of a bullshit institution, but at the same time there are some legal benefits so anyone who actually wants to get married totally should be allowed to regardless of how much sex either of them has or hasn't had.

"A guy goes abroad, what kind of girl should he get for a girlfriend?" How about one who shares his sensibilities and connects with, just the same as if he stayed home? And that's assuming he even LIKES girls, but I would say the same for any boyfriends he might take up. Or any combination of any gender and/or sex. Or maybe he doesn't need a partner at all - maybe he's asexual, or maybe he's already got enough partners.

Like holy shit, dude, you need to do some soul-searching and credible research.

 

[FallenAngelina]

Like holy shit, dude, you need to do some soul-searching and credible research.

I smell a troll.

 

[Vicki82]

Barf.

 

[Magdlyn]

I smell a troll.

We can't call people names here, but if you suspect troll-like behavior, you can click on the ! in the upper right of their post, and a mod/admin will make the call.

 

[Sentinel]

My 2c. Find out who you are before sharing with the family. If you are not going to have a sexual relationship in your life, that's fine; if you are going to have many at the same time that's fine too. No need to inform family until it impacts your relationship with them. For example, when two partners turn up to family dinners ... a lesson I learned the hard way.