The best way to deal with jealousy.

M

MHHIPDX

New member
It’s been a while since I posted but I wanted to get answers on a topic I can’t seem to find the right answer on

I’ve been in a poly V for a year and a half. It’s been great and for the most part it’s been going really well. Lately I have been coming up with feelings of jealousy not about the other partner but about wanting certain things. I don’t know how or if I should voice them without making my boyfriend feel upset. Does anyone have any advice?
 
I'm personally of the opinion that it is never bad to voice your preferences at least once. If you say "I'd like to have xyz" it gives your partner a chance to say yes or no or clarify. If it's something you've already discussed so you know it isn't an option in your current relationship, then you have to decide if it's necessary to bring up again.
 
Sounds more like envy... wanting what someone else has, i.e. those things. Jealousy is more a fear of loss of what you do have.

You could start by asking for what you want. If it's not forthcoming, examine why. If there needs to be compromise, can you? If there can't be compromise, is this untenable and you need to renegotiate the entire relationship?
 
MHHIPDX said:
It’s been a while since I posted but I wanted to get answers on a topic I can’t seem to find the right answer on

I’ve been in a poly V for a year and a half. It’s been great and for the most part it’s been going really well. Lately I have been coming up with feelings of jealousy not about the other partner but about wanting certain things. I don’t know how or if I should voice them without making my boyfriend feel upset. Does anyone have any advice?
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What do you want?

Sometimes we just have to learn to ask for what we want. It can feel weird. Sometimes we want our partners to read our minds to "prove they love us." But some partners can't read minds, or even take a hint. They need to be hit over the head with a 2x4, metaphorically speaking.
 
Best way to solve the jealousy is talking with the people you want to eliminate it. Say the words in mindful and patient, such as have a dinner in secret space.
 
It's all in how you approach it. Don't do so in an accusatory manner, like "You never take me out anywhere" (or whatever it is). It's better to pose it as a question, like, "Would you like to go out some time? I miss that." Try to figure out how to make your feelings known without making your partner feel like they need to be defensive.

Like Mags said, people aren't mindreaders. If you don't speak up, your partner thinks everything is okay while you sit there and boil.
 
Re (from MHHIPDX):
"Lately I have been coming up with feelings of jealousy, not about the other partner, but about wanting certain things. I don't know how or if I should voice them without making my boyfriend feel upset. Does anyone have any advice?"
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What advice I would give you, might depend on what the things are that you want. Could you go into more detail about that? In the meantime, here are some generic ideas. First, you could try expressing yourself to your boyfriend in a letter. You could say, "Honey, I need to let you know that I have been experiencing some jealous feelings. I don't mean to blame anyone or make you upset by saying that. There are just a few things I want to ask for, I think it may help. Here are the things I want: (list the things.) Could we talk about that?" Then, after your boyfriend reads the letter, ask him if you could schedule a time with him when you could talk. It doesn't sound like the other partner needs to be involved in this talk, but if he does need to be involved, you could schedule it with him as well.

Anyway those are some ideas.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
MHHIPDX said:
It’s been a while since I posted but I wanted to get answers on a topic I can’t seem to find the right answer on

I’ve been in a poly V for a year and a half. It’s been great and for the most part it’s been going really well. Lately I have been coming up with feelings of jealousy not about the other partner but about wanting certain things. I don’t know how or if I should voice them without making my boyfriend feel upset. Does anyone have any advice?
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Stop making it about you....:cool:
 
Jeasousy Issues

It's okay to be jealous, even if you have poliamoric relationship. The only think to tackle it is to talk with your partner and to explain what you feel. You jusnt need to know why you feel this now but before it was ok for you. Maybe he doesn't give you the attention you need, or you have a special period in your life that you need more support from your partner.Figure it out, listen to your voice and things will be better :)
 
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