Need help off line in real life

I am sorry to read about your wife's profound brain injuries. That could certainly go a long way to explaining her erratic behavior, running off to Norway, abandoning you and the kids.

So when she was at her most ill/injured, and constantly re-injuring herself in repeated falls, you were her caretaker and experienced burn out. But in her confused state, she interpreted your exhaustion from caring for her as a lack of love on your part! Ironic.

She thought this justified her running off to find a new boy toy!

And yet, she came back. Supposedly, she missed you. Did she miss her children? Does she feel any guilt or shame at abandoning them and continuing to neglect them? How do the kids feel about this? Is it all fine because mom has sustained massive brain injuries? How old are the kids, anyway?

Is there any hope for more healing of her brain, which might lead to more rational thoughts and behaviors? Surely she has received counseling for her confusion or whatever, resulting from the injuries. What does her neurologist recommend? Is she more stable on her feet now, or is she still falling?

When would you feel comfortable to cut her loose, so she can move to Norway with her lover, allowing you to live your life, get custody of the kids she doesn't care about, heal and have more dignity, and finally, eventually, maybe find another woman who will treat you better?

More and more, this seems less like polyamory, and more like mental illness stemming from injury, in my opinion. And it sounds like you're being loyal, and still giving care to your injured wife, while she repays you for your care with more careless inconsiderate behavior.


IanK said:
Things are getting better. Lines of communications are opened up. I still get those jealousy pangs. Thinking about her going to Norway for a month at the end of August is giving me bubble gut.

My wife has made more of an effort. I found keeping busy during the day and not looking over her shoulder all the time has helped.

I am reading that book and doing the exercises, and it's helping a little. Still a ways to go to get where I am comfortable. I want her to be more affectionate and talk sweeter to me. There is still a ways to go to get that where I want, but we are working toward that.

Having the 3 of us (together with him) on video has stopped for now. It excites me, and don't know why he wanted to stop it.
Click to expand...

You are not dating this guy. Your wife is. Maybe he likes one-on-one cybersex with her. However, it sounds like if you don't get invited to threeway cybersex, you wouldn't get any sex with your wife at all. Is this correct? Doesn't that disturb you, to just be there as an afterthought, or maybe even as an intruder?

I plan on having another chat with my wife today. I will keep you updated. Thank for thinking about me.
Click to expand...
 
I want her to be more affectionate and talk sweeter to me, still aways to go to get that where I want that to be too, but we are working toward that.
Click to expand...

Glad to hear wife is trying to work on things with you.

Instead of having the 3 of us together with him on video has stopped for now. It excites me and dont know why he wanted to top it.
Click to expand...

His business. Group sex on video with 3 people is a "3 people yes." It's not like 1 wants it and the other 2 have to comply. Or 2 want it and the 1 has to comply. ALL 3 have to consent.

So if he doesn't want to do that any more, respect his choice. I imagine you wouldn't want to be forced or pressured into doing sex stuff you don't want to do any more.

Group sex is not a requirement for poly.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Hi Ian,

Thanks for that new update. It sounds like things are getting better little by little. I'm glad to hear that. Like your wife is making some efforts to meet more of your needs with her. Sorry to hear that the Norway guy has stopped the three-way video things.

I forgot what book you were reading? Opening Up? There is a book on jealousy that you might find helpful ... "Jealousy Survival Guide: how to feel safe, happy, and secure in an open relationship," by Kitty Chambliss. What lies at the root of your jealousy? What kinds of thoughts and feelings do you have when you feel jealous? Does it affect a certain part of your body? It sounds a bit like something you feel in your gut.

Looking forward to your ongoing updates.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
GalaGirl said:
Glad to hear wife is trying to work on things with you... Group sex on video with 3 people is a "3 people yes." It's not like 1 wants it and the other 2 have to comply. Or 2 want it and the 1 has to comply. ALL 3 have to consent... So if he doesn't want to do that any more, respect his choice. I imagine you wouldn't want to be forced or pressured into doing sex stuff you don't want to do any more. Group sex is not a requirement for poly.
Click to expand...

kdt26417 said:
Thanks for that new update. It sounds like things are getting better little by little. I'm glad to hear that. Like your wife is making some efforts to meet more of your needs with her. Sorry to hear that the Norway guy has stopped the three-way video things.

I forgot what book you were reading? Opening Up? There is a book on jealousy that you might find helpful ... "Jealousy Survival Guide: how to feel safe, happy, and secure in an open relationship," by Kitty Chambliss. What lies at the root of your jealousy? What kinds of thoughts and feelings do you have when you feel jealous? Does it affect a certain part of your body? It sounds a bit like something you feel in your gut.
Click to expand...

Why are you both ignoring the fact of the wife's severe brain injuries as a factor? Why are you ignoring this caused her to abandon her children AND her husband? I don't think the usual poly advice is completely appropriate, given the seemingly ongoing brain damage issues.
 
Dear Ian,
I sincerely think forum help is not enough and, if at all possible, you should be seeking a professional therapist - not to "fix" something but for ongoing support and stress-management. The forum can give poly advice, but you have an awful lot of stressful changes in your life to deal with, including coming to terms with your wife's possibly changed ability and personality, taking on more responsibilities with both kids and wife, and re-imagining your future (with or without poly). I imagine you're just hanging in there, and now poly is being thrown on top of things. Your situation is very specific (although not unheared off - we've had a guy here dealing with his manic-depressive wife) and the usual poly best-practices just barely apply. This seems too much for one person to deal with at once. Please ask for any kind of real-life support available, be it therapy, support groups or practical help from relatives etc.
Take care.
 
Last edited:
Magdyln said:
Why are you both ignoring the fact of the wife's severe brain injuries as a factor? Why are you ignoring this caused her to abandon her children AND her husband? I don't think the usual poly advice is completely appropriate, given the seemingly ongoing brain damage issues.
Click to expand...

Not ignoring it.

Galagirl said:
Thank you for more background info. It helps "color in" more of the picture of what you are dealing with. Wife with a brain injury explains some things. Not an excuse for poor behavior, but it helps shed some light. I have to sit with it and think on it.
Click to expand...

Still thinking on it.

Already asked IanK if he's REALLY ok being here like this, if wife is just plain checking out, and suggested a counselor. A professional may be more able to assist in this complicated situation.

GG
 
Last edited:
Magdlyn said:
But this isn't poly, this is checking out and only being there bodily.
Click to expand...

It's not only poly if it's done right. There are bad ways to "do poly" as well. The fact remains that he is not that all into poly.

Her behavior doesn't "need" to change. No one needs to change for someone else. Ian can change what he is doing. If he changes, speaks up, tells her he's done, she will have to change as a result.
Click to expand...

Well, her behavior certainly isn't working out so obviously it needs to change in order for things to work out. I think you are playing on the word "needs" here. They are both adults who are free to do what they want, obviously.

Ian has no right to "control" his wife's relationship with Norway Guy! If she's done with Ian and has moved on, she can damn well get out of the house.
Click to expand...

Exactly. Too often, the less than willing partner in a budding poly relationship attempts to set rules in place in an attempt to gain control over the relationship under the guise of becoming more comfortable. It is my position that doing so will never work.

Again, she doesn't need to do anything. Ian would definitely benefit from individual therapy. He could request couples counseling but I'm guessing Wifey will refuse. She's on easy street until he makes some serious moves on his own.
Click to expand...

I guess we disagree on this. I think it takes two people to make a dyad work. If she doesn't put in any effort, the relationship will be over.
 
I agree with Magdlyn that the real issue is your wife's traumatic brain injury. I'm concerned that you only mentioned it as an afterthought or for more context. I don't think your introduction post mentioned it at all.

I think you need to be telling yourself a different story about what's going on. It's not that you're struggling to accept a poly marriage. It's that your wife has experienced a drastic personality change after a traumatic brain injury.

Her doctor(s) definitely need to be told about what's been going on. Leaving you for the Norway boyfriend, then begging to come back, then continuing to contact him from a secret account, etc. Impulsive, reckless, selfish behavior. I'm sure your wife didn't do things like that before the brain injury.

I think the fact that you have a sort of hotwife/cuckold fantasy is confusing the issue. You think it's hot that your wife has sex with another guy. That's fine and great. It's super common, much more common than is openly spoken about. Many, many men are aroused by the idea of their wife with another guy (whether they call it cuckolding or hotwifing or whatever). I believe it's a totally normal part of human sexuality (and that it probably evolved in human biology because non-monogamy was beneficial to human bonding, but that's another story altogether). Some men are just wired to find it hot.

Where the confusion comes in, for you, is that this doesn't really have anything to do with your wife's erratic behavior since her brain injury. For you, I can understand that when you learned of her affair, you probably thought, "Well, this is something I find hot, so I guess I can work with this. I can accept it and let her keep seeing this guy."

However (even apart from the brain injury), polyamory isn't the same as hotwifing/cuckolding. The latter is where the husband is involved or watching the sex between his wife and the other guy. The husband and wife are the "real" couple and the other guy often isn't even a boyfriend, just a guy who's there for the sex scene (often mostly for the husband's benefit). In polyamory, people usually have SEPARATE, loving relationships with their various partners. They might have occasional threesomes for fun, but a total three-way relationship is quite rare. In your case, if you want to be polyamorous and accept that your wife has a boyfriend, that's fine, but it doesn't mean you're entitled to be part of their sex life all the time.

I'm thinking this isn't an aspect of your sexuality that you've had much chance to explore before. Nor is it something that you can talk about with your friends or support network. You might even feel too embarrassed to discuss it with a therapist. It's probably part of why you're struggling so much right now--you don't know how to talk about what's going on in your marriage.

Again, I think the main issue is your wife's brain injury. I would actually put everything else on hold while you get more clarity on how her personality has changed since the injury. I would put on hold your desire to explore your sexual fantasies involving her & another guy. I would not necessarily even be trying to learn about poly relationships right now--I don't think your wife is capable of being poly in a healthy way because of whatever's going on your brain. I would maybe try to find a support group for family members of people with traumatic brain injuries, to get support for understanding your wife's illness.

You might have to arrive at a place of radical acceptance--like maybe she isn't going to get better, and maybe she's not going to be able to make un-selfish or healthy choices. It might be like having to accept that someone has Alzheimer's.

If your wife were healthy, I would say that you could try giving a poly marriage a try. You sound forgiving, open-minded, and willing to learn. Some poly people are able to incorporate a hotwife/cuckold fetish into a poly relationship. But, I don't think now is the time to try to figure this out while your wife is so greatly changed from the brain injury.

(I am also a bit concerned that polyamory wasn't even your wife's idea--it was your daughter's. Your wife didn't seem to be even trying to think of solutions to save your marriage--it took your daughter to suggest it. That's not great!)

I'm sorry, this all must be very scary and overwhelming. Please seek therapy--they truly are trained to provide support in overwhelming circumstances.
 
vinsanity0 said:
It's not only poly if it's done right. There are bad ways to "do poly" as well. The fact remains that he is not that all into poly.

Well, her behavior certainly isn't working out, so obviously it needs to change in order for things to work out. I think you are playing on the word "needs" here. They are both adults who are free to do what they want, obviously.

Exactly. Too often, the less than willing partner in a budding poly relationship attempts to set rules in place in an attempt to gain control over the relationship under the guise of becoming more comfortable. It is my position that doing so will never work.

I guess we disagree on this. I think it takes two people to make a dyad work. If she doesn't put in any effort, the relationship will be over.
Click to expand...

Vin, all this is moot in light of the new information about the wife's brain injuries. Please read the rest of the thread.
 
Hi,

I am reading everything everyone is saying, I am just tying to take it all in and try to figure alot of stuff out. Thank you for all your replies, and I will continue to read the thread, and hopefully come up with some sort of response to all the questions.

Yes she never would have done this before her brain injury and yes our daughter caame up with the poly idea. We never thought of it ourselves, didnt think this even it existed.

Thanks again Everyone, this is helping.nk
 
Last edited:
Magdlyn said:
Vin, all this is moot in light of the new information about the wife's brain injuries. Please read the rest of the thread.
Click to expand...

Unless this damage is somehow reversible, that doesn't change much. It just offers a possible explanation for the behavior. They are still going to need therapy and a way deal with that behavior.

I do think it was unfair of the OP to leave out that important information, making his wife seem like a bad person.
 
vinsanity0 said:
Unless this damage is somehow reversible, that doesn't change much. It just offers a possible explanation for the behavior. They are still going to need therapy and a way deal with that behavior.

I do think it was unfair of the OP to leave out that important information, making his wife seem like a bad person.
Click to expand...

I had to clear it with my wife to be able to share that information. Sorry. I did include it afterwards, I could have left it out but I didnt.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top