Dealing with Jealousy with new metamour

W

wiley

New member
Hi everyone, long time reader first time poster.

Me and T are in a poly relationship for a while, I'm more naturally monogamous (in fact ours is really the only relationship I've been in my life, except for a couple of 2 week things) but happy to see what happens with other women whilst T is naturally Poly, totally feels compersion and not jealousy etc.

Despite being poly for a few years, T hasn't had any strong relationship with anyone, not going out or having full sex. Recently she's met V who she's really falling for, and I'm really struggling with jealousy. I've tried hanging out with V a bit so that he's a real person and not some figurative demon stealing T away, and he seems genuinely a nice guy, I'm just really scared for when (inevitably it seems) they start actually going out, having sex, falling in love etc.

It's hard to pinpoint exactly what I'm scared of, I ask and answer my own thoughts:

She might leave me for him; no she loves me and wants to stay with me and is happy to be with both so why would she leave?
She'll just spend all her time with him; she likes spending time with me and I'm working a lot at the moment now anyway.
Maybe he'll be better in bed than me and she won't want to have sex with me anymore; we have great sex, and the years we have together make it so connected.

All these sorts of questions I can logically answer but I just feel horrible inside. I'm struggling to sleep, especially when she's with him, I'm crying loads and I'm not normally a crier. I can analyse the thoughts perfectly but I just can't get rid of the horrible feeling, or even better turn it into compersion. Anybody have any tips?
 
Time. All your feelings are normal. It sounds like you are addressing them logically. This is all new to you and you are fighting against your "programming". Eventually you will get used to your new relationship.
 
Hello wiley,
It is normal to feel jealous, even polyamorists feel jealousy. Here are some links that may help:

I think that a lot of what you're feeling is a trust issue. You don't know if you can trust T. You don't know if you can trust her to stay with you. To meet your needs (such as spending time with you). To keep on wanting sex with you. Sure in your mind you can reassure yourself that she will do these things, but you haven't actually experienced that yet. Hence your horrible feelings. As vinsanity0 said, you need time to confirm to your own mind -- and heart -- that you can trust T to continue to be devoted to you, even with V in the picture.

Keep us updated as your situation evolves.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
It's ok to feel whatever you feel.

While you were trying to practice poly before, she hadn't had a full on poly relationship develop yet. So there's still a lot of FIRST firsts here. Not just first time with a new dating partner doing things. Where you could go "Oh, T is always like this at the start of new dating partners and does X. And I always do Y." You aren't there yet.

So you don't know how T handles herself as a hinge very well yet.

You don't know how you handle your own self on your own very well yet or the things that comfort you for self care when she's away, and similar.

It's ok and normal to feel a little weirded out by all that. You are in a transition space. If this area of life feels a little up in the air or unsettled? Try to create stability in other areas. Stick to routines for sleep, eating, exercise, etc. Maybe have your own dates planned with her on your side of the V so you can reconnect. So SOME areas of your life have stability while this area is changing.

Live into it and remember that growth is gonna happen on the edges of the comfort zone. Cuz if it was already comfortable? Then you aren't growing past your previous comfort zone. You are staying in the same area.

Work to become ok having some "stuff" as you adjust to this new dynamic. Presumably all want to be here doing this poly thing, right? So some growing pains is to be expected if you are new to some of it.

Galagirl
 
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Thanks guys, yeah we are going to go on a date on monday to spend some quality time together (we have kids, so this is always a bit tricky to organise), I'm feeling like being more romantic than I have been recently, bought flowers today! V stayed round last night and T slept downstairs with him (no sex though), which I thought I would freak out about but whilst I'm still feeling quite low, I'm nowhere near as bad as I thought I might be. I realised one thought that was affecting me was we took a long time to get together (roughly 2 years after meeting) whilst T&V's relationship seems to be progressing so quickly. Had a good talk with T about it though.

Started doing some CBT techniques to try and process some of my thoughts and feelings, fingers crossed it can help.
 
Yes, going out on dates with T is an extremely healthy thing to do, it will help you adjust to poly. Of course, with kids, it's a little complicated, but hopefully you can get a sitter, although I know that is a little tricky with the Covid-19 pandemic.

CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) is a really good technique, and may help you reset your thoughts when you are going into crisis mode.

It concerns me that T and V's relationship is progressing so quickly, although that may be a result of NRE, which happens in polyamory sometimes. Like, society says no to multiple relationships, so it can kind of be like the forbidden fruit, does that make sense?

Keep hanging in there, and doing your best to cope.
 
I realised one thought that was affecting me was we took a long time to get together (roughly 2 years after meeting) whilst T&V's relationship seems to be progressing so quickly. Had a good talk with T about it though.
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Glad you had a good talk.

Maybe also remember this...

Who you and T were back then? Is not who you are now TODAY. You both may have learned more relationship/social skills since then.

Who T and V are today? That's not who T and you are today either. It's a different dynamic in that dyad.

Between different skills and different people mixes? We are not all cookie cutter people where all things go exactly the same for all pairings.

It's ok for each of them to be their own way.

Galagirl
 
So T tells me she's pretty much in love with V, she wants to be able to live all three of us together and tonight they officially are gf & bf, I'm so overwhelmed right now and she's out. I don't know how to handle this and it seems like everything at once. My heart hurts.

This went from 0 to 100 so fast and I wasn't expecting it. I don't even know if I'm asking a question right now but I just want to escape my head.
 
Wiley -
I understand that things feel overwhelming, I am new to this polyamory lifestyle as well, and have gone through the same feelings and emotions that you are having right now.

Remember that this is a journey and that you are both on it. I try to focus on the kids, the house and work when my wife is out with her BF. I have learned to think of her happiness and how much she is enjoying her time with him. I know it doesn't help to dwell on your thoughts about what they are doing or how they are feeling because the thoughts in our heads are very rarely the truth. Jealousy is normal but also remember that its not based on fact, its usually those thoughts that we make up that causes jealousy.

I hope you can talk to T about your thoughts and believe her, the way forward is through open communication.
 
wiley said:
So T tells me she's pretty much in love with V, she wants to be able to live all three of us together and tonight they officially are gf & bf, I'm so overwhelmed right now and she's out. I don't know how to handle this and it seems like everything at once. My heart hurts.

This went from 0 to 100 so fast and I wasn't expecting it. I don't even know if I'm asking a question right now but I just want to escape my head.
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That is fast. But hang on. Your wife never did this before. Sure, she's feeling new relationship energy NRE with V. True love takes much longer to develop. This is just the infatuation phase. As for living together, no no. She may WANT that, but living together after just a few weeks of any relationship is ridiculous. And maybe you don't want your metamour living with you, ever. Maybe V wouldn't like it either!!

Try not to take much she says seriously right now. She's all in la-la-land. She's not thinking straight or being rational. A new partner can seem perfect, and yet, often things fizzle when the initial craziness dies down. Believe me, I know.

Take a deep breath and just let her enjoy this silly stage. Make sure you let her know what your needs and desires are. People in NRE can tend to neglect the needs of the established partner.
 
Oh, and make sure to read the above link entitled Are You in Poly Hell?
 
I agree with Mags. Sounds like she's all caught up in NRE. New Relationship Energy can be all pink fluffy cloud lalalas and almost like the person is drunk on NRE.

So T tells me she's pretty much in love with V, she wants to be able to live all three of us together and tonight they officially are gf & bf, I'm so overwhelmed right now and she's out. I don't know how to handle this and it seems like everything at once. My heart hurts.
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Remember lalas are just that. Lalas. "That's nice for you. Enjoy the NRE time" is what I would say. Like great. Enjoy the lalas. But in real life? Nope. Not moving a dating partner of a few weeks into the house. You might not share in this fantasy and the reality is that not all people are compatible as roomies anyway.

kathylabriola.com - POLY LIVING STYLES: SHOULD WE ALL LIVE TOGETHER?

INTRODUCTION Over the past 40 years that I have been involved in what is now called the polyamorous community, I’ve seen people try many permutations of multi-partner living. Over the past nearly 20 years that I have been counseling poly people professionally, I’ve noticed there to be a strong
www.kathylabriola.com www.kathylabriola.com

Do you have to point her to the land of reality right now? Nope. Could just go "That's nice. Enjoy the NRE time." It does fade over time.

If she's gushing too much lalala stuff at you? Ask her to only update you on the weekend. Or share the news with other people. So you aren't getting overloaded with it.

This went from 0 to 100 so fast and I wasn't expecting it. I don't even know if I'm asking a question right now but I just want to escape my head.
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Understandable. It can be unnerving to watch your normally calm partner get all NRE lalas goofy. You end up thinking things like "Who ARE you?" or "What is the matter with you?" because you maybe have never seen them behave this way.

Galagirl
 
You can tell that while you support her and her relationship with, you have no interest in living with your metamour, so all three of you living together isn't an option. (If that is indeed how you feel). Poly people don't all have to live together.

She's probably just overexcited with NRE, but it's fine if you have limit on living with a metamour.
 
I’m surprised no one has already asked this but when you and T decided to go down this road what work did she do to prepare for this journey outside of building her dating profile page ? What were the goals and expectations discussed at that time ? Was cohabitating ever discussed ?

I take a slightly different view of the NRE lalas And the corrosive effect can have on a relationship. AND it does 100% make people think “ who are you “ and or “ what’s next “ which seriously shakes the foundation of a relationship. Couple this with bad or nonexistent communication skills and Or the tendency to downplay any of this behavior ends up creating deep scars and feeding jealous thoughts.

Im a little confused as to “you need advocate for YOUR needs and wants “ but no need to burst her NRE bubble ...no need to point her to the land of reality. WHY NOT ? Wouldn’t that be part of advocating for ones self ?? I’m pretty sure Kathy Labriola points out In a few articles that unchecked NRE often results in NO relationship to return to once the NRE has died down. Damage done death by a 1000 paper cuts.

Its NOT Cute or funny when youre in the trench seemly fighting to understand everything that happening. It’s like doing a batting cage in the dark. At a certain point your not interested in hitting the ball with the bat anymore but the goal is to not get hit yourself.
You’re watching this happen in real time right in front of you and told over and over again words and actions matter. And what you‘re watching might be so so contrary to what you knew or beleived and at the same time told that jealousy is fear of loss and that’s all in your head or ungrounded. BUT you take a deep breath and wait for the unpleasant, inconsiderate / bad behavior to run it’s course.

As you can probably tell I wouldn’t have a problem bursting the NRE bubble with a dose or reality with giving her a printed copy of the Poly Hell article asking her to read it for the following discussion.
 
Well, from my POV? If OP feels like this at the time of posting?

I don't know how to handle this and it seems like everything at once. My heart hurts.
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The greatest need for OP in the moment seems to be some calm and quiet to combat the overwhelmed. So no. I don't think bringing up reality to the NRE lala partner that very day is the best way to achieve a moment of calm. I think it is ok for OP to take a time out to calm themselves first.

Now if the partner is beyond "fluffy lalas" and going off into destructive mode, then one might not get to have a time out break for the rest of the day or a few days. One DOES have to step in right then and say a firm "NO" to wackadoo.

But in general, I think taking a time out for a day or so is ok. And then yes -- come back and request reading poly hell together if that work wasn't done ahead of time as you suggest. Then bother are coming to the conversation at a "medium" rather one all NRE high and the other one feeling low.

Galagirl
 
On my first read of this thread prior to posting I had the distinct impression there was this collective pass being given / written to the op’s wife or partner AND upon rereading /actively looking for something I might have missed I’m still not seeing that I indeed missed the big picture.

The prerequisite for successful poly relationships is open and honest communication. We’ve all been told countless time words and actions and behavior patterns really matter! ******psst except in cases of NRE then it’s like talking to a drunk person pay no attention to what they say. BUT unlike a drunk person you need to be extra cautious in what you say to them don’t want to be a Debbie downer and wreck their high Or say something about their drunken behavior.


GalaGirl said:
Well, from my POV? If OP feels like this at the time of posting?

” don’t know how to handle this and it seems like everything all at once. My heart hurts.”

The greatest need for OP in the moment seems to be some calm and quiet to combat the overwhelmed. So no. I don't think bringing up reality to the NRE lala partner that very day is the best way to achieve a moment of calm. I think it is ok for OP to take a time out to calm themselves first.
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wow you’re normally such a direct and focused giver of advice it seems very odd to me that if the nature of your advice to him or them was taking a break to achieve some calm you would have written several paragraphs on that topic and possibly provide strategies, etc, etc. It’s not like you to leave things unsaid.

And you might want to reread your post because NO where in it do you suggest when is a good time or when might be a bad time to give a reality check. In fact the way I read it ( and as most everyone else’s will ) you suggest NRE lalas aren’t serious and tell her to enjoy them because they fade over time. And because they fade over time there is no need for action because it’s going to work itself out.

Now if the partner is beyond "fluffy lalas" and going off into destructive mode, then one might not get to have a time out break for the rest of the day or a few days. One DOES have to step in right then and say a firm "NO" to wackadoo.
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I think the line between “ fluffy lalas “ and destructive “ wackadoo lalas “ is really subjective to the people involved. The agreements they made the goals they had going down this road. I also don’t think in most case a time out for a few day is going to matter AND EQUALLY I don’t think sitting someone down while feeling overwhelmed / heart hurting and explaining that at the time could possible be a bad or destructive thing in the grand scheme of things.



But in general, I think taking a time out for a day or so is ok. And then yes -- come back and request reading poly hell together if that work wasn't done ahead of time as you suggest. Then bother are coming to the conversation at a "medium" rather one all NRE high and the other one feeling low.
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Or equally likely in this made up universe that her NRE lalas are the same or maybe higher that day and his feelings are the same or lower. Because he elects not to confront her or burst her NRE bubble doesn’t automatically put her at a medium. Him having time to reflect on all the other slights and NRE injuries doesnt automagically pull him up to a medium It could easily push him lower.

And lastly could you explain what specifically growth is and why it’s always associated with things people might not want to do ? You made the comment in your first post on this thread ( #4). “ growth is going to happen on the edges of a comfort zone “
 
MeeraReed said:
You can tell that while you support her and her relationship with, you have no interest in living with your metamour, so all three of you living together isn't an option. (If that is indeed how you feel). Poly people don't all have to live together.

She's probably just overexcited with NRE, but it's fine if you have limit on living with a metamour.
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Maybe I’m being picky with words but how do we know he really “ supports “ relationship with Bf vs just tolerates.

AND why do feel the need to front load the idea of support before you drop the hammer of NO not moving bf in at the first of the month. Im curious as to why that would be important VS his being demoted recently and now pushing the displacement and big intrusion. But she needs to know she supported....really ??
 
wow you’re normally such a direct and focused giver of advice it seems very odd to me that if the nature of your advice to him or them was taking a break to achieve some calm you would have written several paragraphs on that topic and possibly provide strategies, etc, etc. It’s not like you to leave things unsaid.
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Usually I try to be. Sometimes in pandemic, I'm not at my best.

Or equally likely in this made up universe that her NRE lalas are the same or maybe higher that day and his feelings are the same or lower. Because he elects not to confront her or burst her NRE bubble doesn’t automatically put her at a medium. Him having time to reflect on all the other slights and NRE injuries doesnt automagically pull him up to a medium It could easily push him lower.
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Yup. Could go that way also.

In the end? It's up to the OP to figure out where their particular situation is and how to best deal with it. No amount of ideas from internet strangers suggestions is going to make up for lack of honesty, lack of preparation, lack of skills, etc. They are the ones actually there in it.

And lastly could you explain what specifically growth is and why it’s always associated with things people might not want to do ?
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Sure. I can try. I said

Galagirl said:
Live into it and remember that growth is gonna happen on the edges of the comfort zone. Cuz if it was already comfortable? Then you aren't growing past your previous comfort zone. You are staying in the same area.
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I meant this...

Presumably the people in this situations wanted to change to poly. (And it was not thrust on them or they were railroaded into it. That's another kind of situation.)

Changing things? Well, it is not going to be like before. The old normal is gone. The new normal isn't here yet. There may be some personal growth required. Learning to see each other in a new way, learning to communicate better, learning to manage emotions, learning to share time, learning to stand up for oneself more... a whole bunch of skills. What they exactly are depends on the people and what skills they had to begin with and which they need now.

Sometimes the transition time calms and things work out. Sometimes it means things don't work out.

When ones goes and changes the model like trying to go from monogamous relationship to polyamorous relationship? One cannot be surprised that things changed.

Prob explaining poorly, but that's the best I can do right now.

HTH!
Galagirl
 
Dingedheart, nothing in the OP's post said that he didn't want to be poly or was struggling with his partner being poly in general. Just that he was coming from a mono point of view and was struggling with her NRE.

As usual, I think you are projecting your unhappy experience with poly onto the OP.

My advice to the OP was meant to indicate that his partner DOES need to slow down some of her NRE: specifically, the fantasy that she & her two partners will all live together someday. The OP can tell her Nope, that's not happening.
 
Hi everyone, seems to be some big philosophical discussions going on here. All this discussion of NRE lalas, I don't know to be honest. I know T has some perfect vision of poly, that V and I will be best buds and all live together as one big happy family, I don't see this happening, I like being in a place where I live with my family who I love, and I don't want to live with basically a roommate, who happens to be T's other boyfriend. I don't know how that will work if she decides she wants to live with him at some point, she's a big believer in relationship equality, whilst I would prefer to be known as primary so that's tough to think about that one day she may want to live with him over me. Let alone that we are trying to keep the poly thing secret as we live in a very judgey society for parents.

I screwed up this week, I got really down and read through T's messages, it was stupid and a massive invasion of privacy. She found out and its been hard to deal with, I normally would never do something like that and I'm really annoyed with myself, I should be better than that. It hurts even more because it feels like that pushed her away some at a time when I need her as close as possible. I really hope we can work past it, she thinks we can but will need some time to rebuild trust.

On a more positive note I took a big step last night and actually went out for a drink with V, just us, to clear the air, and release some elephants in the room. I referred to him as T's boyfriend, which is a label that seems really tough to deal with, so I think it was good to use it and release some fear. It was an awkward night at times but generally went well I think.

You guys seemed curious about our background, well she initiated the poly talk and I've been very apprehensively moving slowly with it, she had a couple of short things with people where rules were imposed about how far things could go etc, until maybe a year ago when it changed to no limits. I actually experienced a two week thing end of last year which was nice to see the positives for myself, rather than just coping with it for T. I guess I can see that I could be poly, I certainly really liked this other girl but I guess for me it feels like tale it or leave it, if T wanted to be mono, I'd be happy with that. Equally the theory and motives behind poly I can totally understand and agree with somewhat. It's just handling my feeling about her seeing other people that feels torturous right now. I'm still reeling from the official bf/gf announcement, and I'm terrified of when they have sex (which is coming soon, and will be the first time she'd have been with someone else since we got together. I myself have only ever slept with her in my life so she would've been with more people since we've been together than I've ever been). I don't know how to tell if you are suited to poly, but I'm really scared I'm not and that would mean the end of us.

In other news I have a date this week, I'm looking forward to it but also worried that I've only sought someone else out at this time as a crutch, I really don't want to go into that date thinking that I need it to go well so I'm not just one of two boyfriends but an actively engaging poly person in relationships, but that's my worry. I want to see how chemistry goes with this new person, O, (who advertises herself as poly) for it's own sake but scared I'll just bring all my recent emotional baggage with me. I guess that's all for tonight as need to sleep, thanks for all the advice/help offered so far. It's lovely to interact with such a helpful community whilst traversing a brave new world with no standard map.
 
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