I'm sorry you struggle. I mean all this kindly, ok?
I think you sound really anxious/upset. I hope you feel better airing some of that out. I also think you could slow your roll some. You do not have to have all this solved TODAY. But I get that sitting in "limbo" doesn't feel good and weathering out the less fun feelings isn't fun!
He put her picture on his phone wallpaper... something I've asked if him for ooo 15 years, and was told he liked the stock pic. There is crazy amounts of feeling insecure and unsure right now for me.
It's NORMAL to feel weird. Your husband recently told you he will leave you and kids to be able to be with her. If he actually asking for a divorce or is he acting out his own upset or what?
Whatever it is... the "old normal" is gone. The "new normal" isn't here yet.
I'm not even clear on WHICH "new normal" you are aiming for. Maybe you aren't sure yourself. Hence therapy. Is that true? What is your desired outcome?
My husband and I are in therapy with 2 therapists as he has told me he will leave myself and our kids to be able to be with her.
What is the therapy for?
- To find a way to change models from (open marriage to include swinging) to (open marriage with swinging AND polyamory)...
- In a way where he's not NRE obessed?
- In a way you aren't dealing in poly hell?
- In a way you aren't being clingy or "attack-y" -- if you are doing those things.
- In a way where you both are looking after the health of the marriage?
- To find a way to divorce peacefully and continue to be co-parents?
- Something else?
It sounds like you wanted to only be doing swinging. Sharing sex only. But you don't want any thing to do with "catching feelings." And when that has come up in the past, your expectation is that both you and husband end things with that person. Well, maybe this ends up one of those swing/poly marriages where on your side it's only swinging. And on his side, he swings and practices poly. You aren't different people, not copies of each other.
In the past...
- You asked him to break up with his serious relationship and he complied (though he could have said no) but became resentful... at himself or at you?
- Then you saw a couple together, and when the husband "caught feelings" and his wife wanted to pull the plug, you complied and all broke up. (Were you happy about that? Was your husband? )
Now you are both seeing a new couple, and this time the wife and your husband "caught feelings."
- The other husband asked for them to slow it down.
- You are trying to be supportive this time rather than ask DH to break up again.
So far you show DH you are supportive by...
- Listening to Other Husband's anxieties and letting it trigger you
- Having a fight with your meta
- Telling your husband your feelings.
- He finds this "attack-y" -- I'm not sure if that's him doing defensive listening or you and how you communicate, or some combo
- Attending therapy
- Noticing he changed his phone pix to be his new GF, and feeling sad/jealous because that is something you wanted for yourself. (Do you have other things with him? Wearing wedding rings? Family pix in the home?
Some of those are not supportive behaviors. I made them red. You could change your red behaviors.
Some are like "proceed with caution." I made them yellow.
Therapy is generally helpful for people when they cannot figure things out on their own so I made it green.
The phone thing? It made you feel sad so I made it blue. But there's always the price of admission to change, and feeling blue you are not the only person he shares love with? That reasonable to expect when you have been used to being the only one. You are going to have to reflect on intimacy and love and update it so "exclusive to me" is NOT the only thing that makes the love you share with husband special. Like there's more to it than that, right? What would you list?
To me feelings ensue after action behavior or thinking behavior. Feelings are feelings. Whether sunny days or stormy skies? One weathers it out and they pass on through. And some new ones pop up.
To make matters worse ....she has a Masters in social work so she enjoys telling him how unstable our marriage is as I'm not able to "accept" that he is Poly. Please someone help!
Well, you and spouse are seeing therapists, things ARE rocky. And you are here posting for help with accepting this new poly thing.
But maybe you prefer to work with your actual therapists, and not your meta. So if she's telling you this stuff directly, you could say "Thank you. I'm working with my therapist and prefer to have that conversation with them. Please respect my limit."
If it's your husband telling you that she says so-and-so? You could say "Thank you. Yes. I sometimes struggle navigating this new change. I'm trying. I prefer to work through our marriage problems with our therapist. Your GF is not our therapist. Please don't share her opinions with me at this time. I need to be focused on therapist input and not input from people all over. I will get overwhelmed."
He feels as though I'm attacking him when I tell him that I feel like I'm being pushed to the side for her.
Well, step back and look at how you communicate. Could it be construed as attack-y?
What behavior happened that led to you feeling pushed to the side?
Talk to therapists about this. If you guys have a wonky way of talking/listening to each other, that's going to make therapy that much harder to get through. Maybe this helps you think about how you communicate with people.
I'm trying to be supportive of my husband and keep a relationship with the woman.
Why?
You don't even really say if YOU even want to be practicing polyamory. Sounds like you preferred swinging and sharing sex with other people. Not so much sharing love with other people. Where he wants to share both sex and love with other people.
Do you really want to figure out how to do poly? Or are you mostly doing it so husband doesn't break up with you?
Before you do all this work and take the long way around and spend money on therapy... sit and reflect what YOU actually want in your life at this juncture. Maybe that is the prelim work you with your individual therapist? What do you even really want now?
He just keeps telling me that it's not his responsibility to keep me happy....and that I don't own him.
You know what? You could agree.
"Yes. You are right. It is not your responsibility to keep me happy. I do not own you."
Sounds like he needs that heard. And it is true. So you could go first and hear him first in therapy.
Maybe then he can take the chip off his shoulder and HEAR you when you say something else that is true...
"I'm trying to change and work through this toward a shared goal of a more stable Open marriage that includes both swinging AND poly.
And then you say something else to calibrate.
"Is that still the shared goal? And is it ok while doing it for both of us to make some mistakes and try to be kind to each other about it?"
Because if you don't have a shared goal where both of you are going to do your fair share of holding up that stick in therapy? Why be in therapy?
If you were going to print this list and circle what you need the most -- top 3 or 5 -- right now? What would it be?
www.cnvc.org
Maybe you could tell husband this with help of therapist if he's doing defensive listening or blame shifting and not hearing you.
I think there are things on both sides that could maybe improve.
Galagirl
