Having a hard time, need some of that support!

[kdt26417]

Hey Adam,

I tend to think of this as just something you get used to over time; however, if/when you don't get used to it, earphones are an acceptable workaround. It's fine to have a minor reaction (e.g., irritation), but you just about had a full-blown panic attack, and that's too much. I think you should use headphones at least until you have someone (in addition to Ms. Fisher) you can date. Also, I think you need more sex with Ms. Fisher ... at least some kind of sexual activity that is satisfying for (both of) you. All of the posts in this thread so far are really good, I think.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Evie]

So you’re saying his knowledge or habit was born out a specific trigger for a specific person you were seeing at the time ?? I’m not sure I understand the different motivation part or how that would impact want to hear or not hear phone sex if things lead to that.

Trigger is definitely the wrong word here.

Different motivation = play partner only, not romantic interest and was always purely sexual. And no, it was nothing to do with the individual I was talking with, Adam just didn't want to overhear me. Just like I don't want to overhear him. I just happen to be the one in the LDR so I'm talking about how we take steps to enable me to enjoy those calls without it intruding on him.

Whether or not he did overhear me at some time and then decided to wear headphones, or if he decided that totally ahead of time, is lost in the depths of memory.

Yes that’s always fun ...I remember talking to clients in your country we had to factor 7 hrs as I recall.

Give or take depending on Daylight savings. Right now, Puck is 6 hours ahead and a day behind.

Is there / has there been times when either of you wanted to use your phone or video chat as let’s say springboard into a sexual encounter with Adam ?

Resounding "no" from us, but others might feel differently. I'm not gonna be the one to yuck their yum.

 

[icesong]

s there / has there been times when either of you wanted to use your phone or video chat as let’s say springboard into a sexual encounter with Adam ?

With this LDR thing PCadam he might be able to use this to his advantage. Just thinking out loud so to speak let say she spends an hr or 2 in some sort of cyber sex having ( ? ) orgasms , etc. IMO the foreplay and heavy lifting getting the right mood has already been done.

Uggh, I for one would feel terrible on either side of that equation, whether it was my partner turned on by someone else and coming to me to, err, finish it, or if it was me turned on by a partner and that being foreplay for an encounter with another. I won’t say that’s never happened, but it was _very_ specific circumstances and in most cases is a resounding no.

 

[dingedheart]

Trigger is definitely the wrong word here.

Different motivation = play partner only, not romantic interest and was always purely sexual. And no, it was nothing to do with the individual I was talking with, Adam just didn't want to overhear me. Just like I don't want to overhear him. I just happen to be the one in the LDR so I'm talking about how we take steps to enable me to enjoy those calls without it intruding on him.

So what you’re saying is that he knew or learned that because of the purely sexual nature of that or those relationships if you were on the phone or video chatting it was going to be things he’s NOT going to want to hear. I think your experience in this is very helpful to the OP. I just didn’t understand that one sentence as written. I get it now.

Whether or not he did overhear me at some time and then decided to wear headphones, or if he decided that totally ahead of time, is lost in the depths of memory.

well either way a quick conversation can head this off anyway.

Resounding "no" from us, but others might feel differently. I'm not gonna be the one to yuck their yum.

My opinion / emotional response has evolved a little overtime on this. I think there was a couple /3 situations were my then wife got wound up via phone or chat and then tried to start something with me to finish things off. AT the time I wasn’t interested in being the stand in / stunt dick. HOWEVER if I was sexually frustrated and it was my idea and she was cool with it WHY NOT GO FOR IT .

 

[Polycurious_Adam]

I think my situation is notably unique. I have a jealous streak. I'm okay with that now, and I'm learning to deal with it, but I don't know if the idea of her with another guy will ever appeal to me, but it doesn't have to. Ms Fisher is an entirely different animal. The idea of me with another woman satisfies her kink in very fortunate ways for me! I'm trying not to let that motivate me, but it's a thought I can carry to not feel guilty when I'm exploring this new side of myself.

 

[dingedheart]

Uggh, I for one would feel terrible on either side of that equation, whether it was my partner turned on by someone else and coming to me to, err, finish it, or if it was me turned on by a partner and that being foreplay for an encounter with another. I won’t say that’s never happened, but it was _very_ specific circumstances and in most cases is a resounding no.

DO you think your opinion ( my old opinion ) is the norm or the general consensus with in the community. Have you ever discussed this with in your circles ?? I think at the time my wife saw it as “ using/ bring the NRE or NSE( new sexual energy) back the marriage. Killing 2 birds with one stone ...or bone .

And as long as that doesnt become the routine/ habit and everyone’s cool in the overall moment what’s the harm.?

 

[dingedheart]

I think my situation is notably unique. I have a jealous streak. I'm okay with that now, and I'm learning to deal with it, but I don't know if the idea of her with another guy will ever appeal to me, but it doesn't have to. Ms Fisher is an entirely different animal. The idea of me with another woman satisfies her kink in very fortunate ways for me! I'm trying not to let that motivate me, but it's a thought I can carry to not feel guilty when I'm exploring this new side of myself.

I think a lot of these situations end up being very unique. And dealing with the different “streaks “ is long term process for people choosing to go down this road. Never say Never .

YES it is very fortunate that Ms fisher has that particular kink so it could work to your favor in a reverse fashion down the road.

 

[icesong]

DO you think your opinion ( my old opinion ) is the norm or the general consensus with in the community. Have you ever discussed this with in your circles ?? I think at the time my wife saw it as “ using/ bring the NRE or NSE( new sexual energy) back the marriage. Killing 2 birds with one stone ...or bone .

And as long as that doesnt become the routine/ habit and everyone’s cool in the overall moment what’s the harm.?

I honestly have never _cared_ about norms so no, I haven’t really discussed it except here. I’m not saying that it’s harmful, per se - though certainly your comment that it becoming a routine can be is accurate. I’ve just very much come to the conclusion that _for me_ sexual energy is about the people it is between and somehow acquiring it in one place and spending it in another feels off

 

[dingedheart]

I honestly have never _cared_ about norms so no, I haven’t really discussed it except here. I’m not saying that it’s harmful, per se - though certainly your comment that it becoming a routine can be is accurate. I’ve just very much come to the conclusion that _for me_ sexual energy is about the people it is between and somehow acquiring it in one place and spending it in another feels off

As you might have figured out from my history I don’t care about bucking a trend or the current fad if I don’t happen to agree with it So I get your point that any giving norm isn’t going to mean that much to you I was just wondering out of curiosity if we were outliers in this regard. The times I’ve brought it up on here it never spurs any type of greater discussion or comments.
Reading your link it’s very clear as to why you are against this idea. AND Clearly from what I know of your life you’re not sexually frustrated in the classic sense “ of going without “ but rather frustrated in a specific type of connecting or exchange you’d ideally like to have with your husband.

Sharing / spreading sexual energy is sort of an interesting topic for me. Early on the poly path in the reprogramming from the mono narrative i was told how in the mono narrative sex was given special status or reserved for that special ONE.....a committed spouse or committed partner. THE new way of thinking of it is it’s a natural drive, a fun/ enjoyable activity that may or may not have any more meaning than a game of tennis to the players. I think I personally really struggled with sort of several mixed messages or signals at that time. THAT I HAD swallowed this idea that sex between me and my wife had some sacred status and which was being crushed / rewritten BUT then attach enough meaning and or importance to try maintaining a sexual relationship because it’s deemed a critical component to a health relationship. However that said it’s also bad form and not applicable to enquirer of the other sexual relationships other than sexual health type questions. AS we compartmentalize all these new elements or rewrite our old beliefs is there any fear you could go too far in this regard ??

I don’t think this is necessarily applicable to PCadam’s direct concern related to this thread but as a general concept for other topics he’s going to encounter during his transition.

 

[MeeraReed]

I don't think your jealousy is unique, Adam. I think it's pretty common to feel jealousy or similar discomfort when listening to a partner have sex or sexy talk in the next room. I don't think you need to completely eliminate your jealousy.

Like, I am not normally sexually jealous, but maybe I would BECOME jealous if I regularly listened to my partner having sex or even just listened to his private romantic conversations. Making sure I don't have to listen to him have sex = one of the reasons that I don't experience jealousy.

I admire that you want to address your jealousy, however. It sounds like you're doing the necessary hard work.

Here's another perspective, though: jealousy doesn't have to be dreadful. It's just a feeling. Like sadness or anger. You can feel a feeling and then let it pass. It might feel bad, but it won't kill you.

 

[Polycurious_Adam]

I couldn't agree more, Meera! It s not that I think my jealousy is unique - far from it! But my newness to poly along with that jealousy, placed next to Ms Fisher's experience in poly and her kink for my hookups... It feels very yin-yang to me. I am very much more in touch with my jealousy than I was a couple of weeks ago. I don't chase it away any more. I drink deeply of the waters, until I drain the lake and see the gushing spring. I find what's causing those feelings, and I decide if the emotional reaction is based on anything that infringes on my values. If it does, then I would need to talk about that. If it doesn't, then I would still need to talk about it, but it would be a talk about how I'm working to retrain those baseless emotional reactions to novel situations. The emotions are still valid, and important! The reactions are habits, and some habbits are worth breaking.

 

[Magdlyn]

I wanted to go back a bit in this conversation and ask why you and Ms Fisher are on different sleep schedules? She goes to bed, supposedly to sleep, but goes ahead and does some kinda sexy talk with her new interest instead, while you stay up with the kids. Why are the kids and you up when she's in bed? Why is she using her supposed sleep time to have some kinda sexy chat with her new bf instead of helping out with the kids?

Also, how can you wear sound-cancelling ear plugs to drown out her sexy voice when you're involved in parenting? And! Are the kids overhearing her sexy voice with someone else in the bedroom? Is that a concern? Your house is so small. Do the kids overhear you and Ms Fisher gettin' busy also? Are you considering getting a bigger home with more room for you and Ms Fisher to make sex noises? (If the noises don't bother young kids, they can certainly cause some uncomfortable questions as the kids get older.)

Also, while Pixi and I don't have young kids that live with us, we did get a large enough house when we moved in together, to give us each privacy for having other partners visit (or for cyber or phone sex, as the case may be). Something to consider.

 

[Polycurious_Adam]

Okay, first things first. The sleep schedule. Our son (my oldest, her third) is on the autism spectrum. He is almost completely non-verbal, and he has self-harming episodes - banging his head, shouting and breaking things. And it is almost impossible to keep him on a regular sleep schedule. The way it works out, is that Ms Fisher will let her sleep schedule drift with his, so there is always someone awake with him. I have the nine-to-five, so she makes sure I get regular sleep for my regular schedule. It's a strain, but I think it's also a convenient way to practice that disentanglement. I kind of got a head start!

As for the sexy voice, it turned out that that was just her sleepy voice. They weren't fooling around that day, and she told me she wouldn't want me overhearing that sort of thing when it does happen. Since then, we've started talking about privacy signals, to keep that from happening in the future. I'm glad I suspected what I did, though. I got a chance to confront that response, and deal with it. I'm less worried about how I will respond if/when I am in that situation again.