Thank you for more info. FWIW? Here's what I think.
My Metamour asked my husband to leave work to be with her...which he didn't do, but i found the request to be a little shady.
Weird, but his problem to deal with. He doesn't have to tell you that she bugs him at work.
My husband created visitation times he felt comfortable with, which I agreed to. They see each other several times during the week and she's now pushing for time scheduled between my husband and I as well.
Whether she is asking you directly. Or it is husband asking you?
Easy enough for you to go "No, thanks. I don't want to hang out all three together. Please don't ask again. I'll let you know if/when I am ready for handing out as a group" and let the other two deal with the response.
Also, she has started frequenting a public location on the same night my husband and I attended together as a couple knowing we would be there...yes, it is a public venue, however, I'm not entirely comfortable with her there. So, my husband and I chose to go to a different location.
I don't know how she knew the date night plan was to go there, but fine. Go somewhere else for date night if she's also going there when it is supposed to be (you + hubby) date night alone. And you and DH don't tell her the new location.
Now she has stated to my husband, she just won't tell him if she's going to be there or not...which I think is a little bit of a jerk move on her part.
Weird, but does it matter? You all decided to go somewhere else for date night, right? Or is it her plan to just follow him around everywhere all the time?
If she's being intrusive it is husband's responsibility to tell her "Look, I need time alone with wife for our date nights. I know it's a public space, but I don't like you hanging around the edges then. It feels intrusive to me. Just like I wouldn't like wife hanging around on the edges when it is (you+me) date night. Please respect my limit and don't hang around when I'm on dates with other people." If she won't respect his boundaries, he can dump her.
At the same time? It's a public space. If both like going to a bar for the weekly trivia night or something? They could negotiate and split the time. Odd weeks are his to go there with whoever he wants, even are hers to go there with whoever she wants. And STILL not your problem to solve or sort out. It is their problem how to share this space so they don't bump into each other's dates.
Do these things sound like she's pushing the boundaries to you? Or am I being over sensitive?
You are not being over sensitive to want time on your own with husband without his other partners around. Every dyad needs its own privacy, space and time.
Whether or not she is "pushing his boundaries" I do not know. Because I don't know if your husband has
actually articulated his boundaries to her like "Look, I need time alone with wife for our date nights. I know it's a public space, but I don't like you hanging around the edges then. It feels intrusive to me. Just like I wouldn't like wife hanging around on the edges when it is (you+me) date night. Please respect my limit and don't hang around when I'm on dates with other people."
You'd think some things are common sense, but people aren't mind readers. Boundaries need to be articulated first. And if he was having the problem, wouldn't it be him posting here about it rather than you? Like...why are YOU all up in this?
If he's already told her his preference/limits? And she's ignoring it and going around like a love sick puppy following him around everywhere? Enforcing his boundaries with natural consequences is his responsibility and his problem to deal with. You aren't the one dating her.
And again... he could call her into account, request she respect his limit, and if she doesn't respect him/his boudaries? He could dump her then. I mean, what else is there? Does he want to date people who don't respect him or his limits? How is that awesome?
If she's taking it to the stalker place? He can dump her, keep a record, and seek a restraining order/injunction depending on severity of the issue. Still his responsibility to deal with.
If he hasn't told her his boundaries? Could tell him to tell her rather than vent his problems at you.
If this is becoming chronic and hearing about his problems with her behaviors upsets you? Set your OWN boundary with husband. Because his problem might be lovesick puppy GF annoying him
but the one annoying you is HIM.
Could tell him something like "Look, you date them. Not me. I don't want to hear about lovesick puppy people bothering you. You picked them out. Not me. So you have to deal with them and their behaviors. You might have to change how you vet people or update your personal standards. Turns out you picked a weirdo? On you to deal with it or dump them. "
It's sloppy hinge stuff when the hinge allows stuff from one side to leak over on another side.
It's also the work of detangling if the marriage got too enmeshed. I know some people are so used to having the spouse be their sounding board for
everything from habit that they just take the spouse and services provided for granted. They don't seek consent first by asking if the spouse wants to even deal in this conversation. They just start inundating the spouse inappropriately with their polydating problems like "pass the buck" stress whooshies just assuming spouse is up for it.
On your end? You might have been used to always helping him with his problems as spouse/helpmate. But now that you polydate, some areas of his life
don't actually require your assistance and may bring to light that you were overassisting before. So it may feel weird to stop yourself and take a step back. "No, that's not actually my job." Or say "Hey, you know just because I'm your spouse, it doesn't mean I have to..." Or say "Hey, you know just because I'm your spouse, it doesn't mean you get to..."
In the past you may have taken things done to him personally. Like you get all annoyed on his behalf, when someone annoys him at work. But is it
actually your problem and your feelings to manage? It's ok to let him deal with his own problems and manage his own feelings without you along for the ride.
It's also ok for you to decide you do NOT want to be the consultant on his dating life problems.
Because even if allowing the (you + him) relationship be the platform for processing (him+her) problems might help him? It's not a great deal for you. When do you get to have your OWN relationship with him? You aren't his free therapist, right?
Not trying to be mean here... just encouraging you to have your own strong personal boundaries and
detangle from husband stuff some.
It sounds like you all have to live into it, and sort out how to actually BE together in this new model.
So there's just going to be a period of sorting a lot of things out.
Galagirl