Starting to live with my partner and metamour - advice?

O

Opal

Member
I have been with my partner for 7 years in a mostly LDR and now I am able to go and live full time with him starting in the next few weeks. We are getting married after Covid (so my family from Canada can come down for the wedding). He has another partner, Kay, that moved in to the family home a year ago (housing crisis at the time and I was the one to suggest that she move in). Kay was not thrilled with the news that we were getting married, it comes to light that she had hoped my partner would eventally marry her. This has led to a slightly strained relationship between Kay and I but I am trying to get past it. Both Kay and I are monagamous with our partner.

My question is on setting rules for how we can all get private time/family time/alone time with our guy? There are separate bedrooms for Kay and I but the rest of the house is kind of an open concept. Suggestions that have worked for others would be appreciated.
 
Hi Opal,

It is good that you will have separate bedrooms, access to privacy is of utmost importance in a poly relationship. I think you should make a rule that a bedroom is the sanctuary of the person who sleeps in it, not to be disturbed unless by a gentle knock. As for the rest of the house, you just need to be respectful around each other. Don't pry if someone doesn't want to talk. Also, decide whether you want kitchen table poly or parallel poly ... http://kimchicuddles.com/image/116304001735

I am something of an introvert, so I mostly stay in my room. You have to figure out what works for you.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Maybe wait and see how be wants to split his time between you. Maybe he wants to seems most nights with her. Maybe he never wants to spend nights with either of you. Maybe he doesn't need much alone time with her because he doesn't want it.

Is he the one who insists on monogamy from the two of you?
 
Ooooh! I have LOTS to say about this one, although I'm the other side of the V from you (my meta moved in with my spouse and I, instead of the other way around). It was a different situation in a lot of ways (Knight and I were already married with a kid, for one, and Joan and I didn't have a strained relationship just a not-close-yet one) but I still think there might be some useful bits I've gotten in the past almost two years:
  1. You mention having a separate bedroom for you and for Kay, I personally think it helps a lot for Hinge (he needs a name, but I'm just gonna refer to him as that throughout for now) to have one as well - that way sleeping isn't intrinsically a choice between the two of you, and he can have some space to himself. We just made this change a few months ago for Knight and it's definitely a much better arrangement.And that way if either you or Kay ever choose to pursue non-monogamy it's not specifically affecting the other one if someone has a partner over. (Before we switched rooms around, if I had Artist over, Knight had to sleep with Joan that night - not much of a hardship but it sort of felt like an imposition sometimes to have that much of an effect.)
  2. That also solves the "how does everyone get private time" problem. As Kevin said, that way your room can be your own private space.
  3. Some people live by scheduling (W and X nights are for partner A, Y and Z nights are for partner B, the rest I spend alone); some people prefer freeform "I feel like sleeping with partner A tonight" - probably best to figure out what each of you are before moving in together and if you're opposite types, figure out how you're going to address that.
  4. You may already have a good idea of how this is gonna go down, since you've spent 6 months together before, but figuring out the "housemate" side of things on top of the relationship side of things is a key thing - fairness and expected levels for cleaning and organization, I mean, and how to combine possessions in common spaces so it doesn't feel like everything is a certain way for one person. Especially since you describe some strain between you, having some minor annoyance like "she never unloads the dishwasher" can end up blowing itself way out of proportion, especially if you're not used to living with anyone other than your partner.
Not sure anything else comes to mind *right* now, but I'm happy to talk more about how the adjustment has gone if you want!
 
Opal said:
My question is on setting rules for how we can all get private time/family time/alone time with our guy? There are separate bedrooms for Kay and I but the rest of the house is kind of an open concept. Suggestions that have worked for others would be appreciated.
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My question from the information in your intro thread is how big of a harem is he planning ?? And Does he or all of you own the structure ?
 
I would suggest not getting married right away and talking about it because only one can be the legal spouse and it comes with benefits the other partner won't enjoy.

Alternately, nobody gets legally married and you each have your own committment ceremonies with him.

As for all living together.... have you live together before? Just cuz you date the same guy doesn't mean you are automatically compatible as roomies. You might consider each of you having your own homes, not just your own bedrooms in this house. Then there doesn't have to be any rules for privacy. He just spends time at each home and it is automatically private from the other partner. And when he wants to be alone he's at his home.

At minimum, a separate bedroom for every adult -- so you are already 1 bedroom short because the hinge isn't getting one.

Galagirl
 
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dingedheart said:
My question from the information in your intro thread is how big of a harem is he planning ?? And Does he or all of you own the structure ?
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Yes, the house is his ( I will call him B) . He also has a condo about an hours drive away, we refer to that as the man cave.... if he wants time away from female energy he goes there for a couple of days. He arranges time with some of his other friends at the condo. How big will the harem get? I guess that is going to be up to B! He has always discussed before bringing another person to the house.

His time and energy are finite, we would like to keep our family the size it is now.
 
GalaGirl said:
I would suggest not getting married right away and talking about it because only one can be the legal spouse and it comes with benefits the other partner won't enjoy.

Alternately, nobody gets legally married and you each have your own committment ceremonies with him.

As for all living together.... have you live together before? Just cuz you date the same guy doesn't mean you are automatically compatible as roomies. You might consider each of you having your own homes, not just your own bedrooms in this house. Then there doesn't have to be any rules for privacy. He just spends time at each home and it is automatically private from the other partner. And when he wants to be alone he's at his home.

At minimum, a separate bedroom for every adult -- so you are already 1 bedroom short because the hinge isn't getting one.

Galagirl
Click to expand...
I do have my own home, however it is too far away from B's house to be practical, and right now the border has been closed for a year. Kay came to live with us when she was in a housing crisis. She is on a disability pension and I don't think it would ever stretch to cover an independent home again.
We are waiting another year before getting married, we do want to work on the poly issues such as they are. We did all live together for six months last year, which had it good moments and stressful ones. Kay has some medical challanges and getting her meds sorted took a few months, some of the meds made her anxious/upset/off balance so I don't know if that was a fair trial of what the future might look like.

Last year B would spent the nights alternating between Kay and I. That felt easier than waiting for him to choose to sleep with one of us!
 
You could say I am in the position of B as I am the hinge in a poly-V. I cohabitate with wife Bird, and girlfriend Daisy.

Most of our time is spent together, however I think everyone having a personal space in the home has been essential. I know you are not shopping for a different home, but have you considered it? A condo an hour away is not the same as having a personal space in the home, however if B says he can handle it I do not see any reason not to believe him. On the other hand, its not a bad time to buy a different home if you are in the position to do so… What about relocating your home closer to B? Between you and B there are three properties, consolidation or relocation of those assets seems possible… Why cram into a single property when you have the means to own multiple?

Our poly-v began cohabitating mostly for financial reasons. We considered having separate properties close to one another however we found (in the city where we live) that we would pay close to half the cost per square foot of living space by consolidating into one large home instead of purchasing two smaller homes.

Setting-up “rules for private time/family time/alone time” is as simple as having a conversation, if you are worried about it you can ask to create a schedule. Our Poly-V had a schedule for a while, but it was not working for me, so we did away with it. I do not know what the difference is between “alone time” and “private time”, but for the purpose of my post I will assume private time means sex and alone time means… Watching a movie together? Maybe you could clarify?

I think it is important that whoever wants alone time or private time with B can go off and do so without asking the third to seclude themselves to their room. For example, our home is three tiered; Daisy has a studio space on the lower level, and Bird has the master suit on the top level. Daisy and I can spend alone time in the studio and Bird can have run of the house or an entire level of separation if she pleases, and vice versa. We have entertainment set up in the studio, main level, and master and while we are usually all enjoying each other’s company on the main level we have the ability to seclude ourselves to either the studio or master for alone time, like watching movies, talking, cuddling, ect..

I bring this up because separation available in the home helps with privacy and noise levels. I know open concepts are extremely popular however that type of design creates privacy and sound transmittance issues. You might want to think about how the bedrooms are situated and how you feel about possibly hearing B and your meta having sex, especially in an open concept as noise can transmit to a large portion of the home. My bedroom is right next to the master, so it does not tend to be a location for sex as Daisy’s studio or Brid’s master are far apart and maximize privacy. I still maintain my own bedroom and a second room as an office so that I have my own personal space as well.

More to think about: I live in the USA and some of this may or may not be applicable to you, however it might be worth looking into whether similar laws and restrictions apply to you.

1. Some US States have common law marriage and cohabitation laws intermingled. Your poly-V cohabitation could potentially violate bigamy laws. Consider getting legal advice on how to navigate that complexity (if it exists in your State)

2. Some cities have ordinances in place regarding how many non-related individuals can live in a single-family home. You probably will not be in violation at this point, but if more people move into the home you should make sure you are not in violation.

4. Homeowners associations. Some HOAs also have rules that govern how many non-related individuals can live in a home under the HOA jurisdiction.

3. Responsibilities for home upkeep and finances… It can get really complicated. As the homeowner, is B solely responsible for the cost of maintenance? Will you, or your meta be asked to throw in on a new roof on a home you have no ownership of? Rent? Bills? Upkeep compensation? This topic is deep. And in my experience, the longer we poly-cohabitate the more our finances have become intertwined, it is an ongoing never-ending discussion. You may want to consider creating a legal cohabitation agreement with an attorney.
 
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Inaniel said:
You could say I am in the position of B as I am the hinge in a poly-V. I cohabitate with wife Bird, and girlfriend Daisy.

Most of our time is spent together, however I think everyone having a personal space in the home has been essential. I know you are not shopping for a different home, but have you considered it? A condo an hour away is not the same as having a personal space in the home, however if B says he can handle it I do not see any reason not to believe him. On the other hand, its not a bad time to buy a different home if you are in the position to do so… What about relocating your home closer to B? Between you and B there are three properties, consolidation or relocation of those assets seems possible… Why cram into a single property when you have the means to own multiple?

Our poly-v began cohabitating mostly for financial reasons. We considered having separate properties close to one another however we found (in the city where we live) that we would pay close to half the cost per square foot of living space by consolidating into one large home instead of purchasing two smaller homes.

Setting-up “rules for private time/family time/alone time” is as simple as having a conversation, if you are worried about it you can ask to create a schedule. Our Poly-V had a schedule for a while, but it was not working for me, so we did away with it. I do not know what the difference is between “alone time” and “private time”, but for the purpose of my post I will assume private time means sex and alone time means… Watching a movie together? Maybe you could clarify?

I think it is important that whoever wants alone time or private time with B can go off and do so without asking the third to seclude themselves to their room. For example, our home is three tiered; Daisy has a studio space on the lower level, and Bird has the master suit on the top level. Daisy and I can spend alone time in the studio and Bird can have run of the house or an entire level of separation if she pleases, and vice versa. We have entertainment set up in the studio, main level, and master and while we are usually all enjoying each other’s company on the main level we have the ability to seclude ourselves to either the studio or master for alone time, like watching movies, talking, cuddling, ect..

I bring this up because separation available in the home helps with privacy and noise levels. I know open concepts are extremely popular however that type of design creates privacy and sound transmittance issues. You might want to think about how the bedrooms are situated and how you feel about possibly hearing B and your meta having sex, especially in an open concept as noise can transmit to a large portion of the home. My bedroom is right next to the master, so it does not tend to be a location for sex as Daisy’s studio or Brid’s master are far apart and maximize privacy. I still maintain my own bedroom and a second room as an office so that I have my own personal space as well.

More to think about: I live in the USA and some of this may or may not be applicable to you, however it might be worth looking into whether similar laws and restrictions apply to you.

1. Some US States have common law marriage and cohabitation laws intermingled. Your poly-V cohabitation could potentially violate bigamy laws. Consider getting legal advice on how to navigate that complexity (if it exists in your State)

2. Some cities have ordinances in place regarding how many non-related individuals can live in a single-family home. You probably will not be in violation at this point, but if more people move into the home you should make sure you are not in violation.

4. Homeowners associations. Some HOAs also have rules that govern how many non-related individuals can live in a home under the HOA jurisdiction.

3. Responsibilities for home upkeep and finances… It can get really complicated. As the homeowner, is B solely responsible for the cost of maintenance? Will you, or your meta be asked to throw in on a new roof on a home you have no ownership of? Rent? Bills? Upkeep compensation? This topic is deep. And in my experience, the longer we poly-cohabitate the more our finances have become intertwined, it is an ongoing never-ending discussion. You may want to consider creating a legal cohabitation agreement with an attorney.
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Thank you! There are so many things you mentioned that we haven't even thought of yet. B has a beautiful house on the Puget Sound.... so for the foreseeable future I cannot see us getting a different place with more space. My home in Canada is also the home of my brother so I am not at liberty to sell it. Both Kay and I do contribute to the upkeep of B's place, so I don't think there is a financial issue there. We are all retired with various pensions/investments that are sufficient to keep the place going.
 
Unless you regularly and often (leaving the closed borders out of the equation) go to the Canadian home you co-own with your brother, you could consider letting him buy you out. Maybe you want to get put on the mortgage of B's house. Maybe you want some insurance, so to speak, in your primary residence, in which you are investing.

Our member, Bluebird, has a blog here. She lives with her 2 men, her husband and her bf. Formerly she lived with her "other husband," with whom she was hand-fasted but not legally married. He succumbed to his alcoholism after several years, and left Bluebird and her husband holding the bag financially. They just forgave his debt. Now she is living with her next bf, with no plans to "marry" him, and no firm financial entanglements or legal deals. She is not entirely comfortable with this, but she took him in during Covid to keep him in her bubble, as he was single.
 
I come from a large family here in Canada. I have six brothers and sisters, one of which lives with me now. My brother wouldn't be able to handle the cost of the house alone. The house here is "home base" where everyone comes to stay when visiting my mother who lives in a care home just down the street. Will things change when my mom passes and all the others don't come back here to visit? Probably.....

I guess I am thinking 25 years ahead, will I want to leave my house as a legacy for my son? My mom is going strong at 100 this year.... I might make that century mark too! What happens if B passes away at the ages of his parents (78), will I ever want to come back to Canada? I don't know about the legal ramifications of owning and maintaining a house in another country! So many things to consider.

B and I haven't discussed a lot of financial issues as we have always been independent of the other.
The one thing I do know is that we have different views on wealth and ..... things..... . I consider myself wealthy in all the things that matter to me..... friends, family, peace of mind, adventures, travel experiences. B is more about physical things. He has coin collections, stamp collections, Hot Wheels car collections.... you get the idea.
 
Financially Joan gives Knight and I some money every month, but I think it's almost definitely less than what rent on a room would run, let alone with utilities / food. I'm ok with that, honestly, because her being here only marginally changes our actual expenses, she's got stupidly large student loan debt and I certainly haven't even contributed that amount to the household some months so if Knight wants to support/subsidize her the same way he has me, that's fine. We are somewhat not great money people, tbh, and are slowly disentangling finances but the current situation does work.
 
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