Partner wants restrictions on my dates

PolAmy

New member
My partner and I began as an open and poly friendly relationship and decided to temporary close the relationship during the NRE phase. We have been together for two years and are beginning to talk poly lifestyle and opening the relationship.

My partner is dictating that we will make a commitment to only date other openly poly individuals. He only want me to date men who are openly poly on there profile.

He said that if we are going to open the relationship he only wants to open it to people that share our relationship philosophies. I get where he’s coming from But I think he’s being controlling and I’m not interested in being a conformist. But he’s says those are is terms and we can break up if I don’t want to bow to his desires.
 
Profile where? Any dating site? Any non-professional social media? Hell, my partner Puck is as poly as it gets but you wouldn't precisely know it on Facebook because it's not even set up that way.

But if you mean OKC, or something similar, then I wouldn't personally find it an unreasonable position to take.

Why do you find it so objectionably controlling?
 
My partner is dictating that we will make a commitment to only date other openly poly individuals. He only want me to date men who are openly poly on there profile.

Well... what is that supposed to solve? What's the concern? Can it be solved in other ways?

And WHICH profile? Like on a work related LinkedIn thing? Because not everyone is out as poly at work.

Or like in online dating profiles? What happens if you meet them somewhere else in real life, and they don't have any online dating profiles at all. But they are openly poly.

Then what?

But he’s says those are is terms and we can break up if I don’t want to bow to his desires.

Well, you could say same. "No, thanks. I will not be doing that. You can break up if you don't like it."

But that's basically gridlock. That's not actually listening for understanding on either side.

I'd suggest listening for understanding first. Then if it really is incompatible, consider breaking up. But let's not jump the gun either. YKWIM? Ask him to explain himself.

Galagirl
 
Hi all,

I’m Mark, partnered with Amy for the time being. Amy told me about the forums so I hope you don’t mind me hopping on, I don’t mind explaining myself.

First of all I believe that people, as in humans are generally flexible with relationship styles. I have read a great deal about tribal communities around the world with wildly different sexual relationship styles. What they all have had in common is predominant communal practice of a specific relationship style. Probably for simplicity sake, regardless it’s ideological for the tribe and that makes sense to me.

I am ideologically poly, so is Amy. I don’t see any good reason to invite someone with a different ideological relationship style into our lives. I believe that we all have some degree of a relationship with our metas, people try to pretend that you don’t but in in essences we often end up fluid bonded (sort of) with our metas so there is more to it than some people try to convince themselves of.

The meta relationship requires trust, compassion, and respect on both ends and I simply don’t believe someone of a non-poly relationship ideology can provide that. Therefor I don’t consent to a meta relationship with someone of differing relationship ideology than my own. And just like I wouldn’t trust a politician that suddenly changes political parties when it becomes convenient for them, same is true for relationship style. I choose for myself to have meta relationships with experienced poly individuals only

Amy is open to relations with non-poly men so obviously we are in disagreement on this issue.

You all have a good evening.
 
By non-poly men, do you mean those who who aren't currently in other relationships? Or those who are "only" poly friendly but personally only date one person at a time?

I certainly get really not wanting to become involved with someone who will struggle with the whole thing and cause problems because of it. Or someone who is poly-curious but has no idea what they're getting themselves into.

So, where's your line? Is it truly defined by a dating profile?
 
Hello Mark and Amy,

It sounds like you are at an impasse on the question of whether dating non-polys is a good idea. Have you talked to a couple's counselor about this impasse? and if so, what did s/he say?

I hope this doesn't lead to the two of you breaking up, but I have to say, it's not sounding hopeful at this point. Mark doesn't want to deal with the headache of having a non-poly meta, and Amy doesn't want to be a conformist. That sounds like a pretty serious conflict of interests.

I hope we can help you work it out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Mark says:
The meta relationship requires trust, compassion, and respect on both ends and I simply don’t believe someone of a non-poly relationship ideology can provide that. Therefor I don’t consent to a meta relationship with someone of differing relationship ideology than my own.


Amy perceives:
My partner is dictating that we will make a commitment to only date other openly poly individuals. ... I think he’s being controlling and I’m not interested in being a conformist. But he’s says those are is terms and we can break up if I don’t want to bow to his desires.



Mark is clear about his boundaries and has made them plain to Amy. That seems healthy to me. Whether a prospective partner is experienced in poly or not is a very important value to be clear about. Mark greatly values poly experience among all concerned. Amy does not require that partners have a poly background or a declaration of poly values. It's a mis-match in values, to be sure, but what about this feels controlling to you, Amy?
 
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Just as a point of interest and perhaps something to consider when defining “poly”. I have one partner who is 100% mono. Dating others is not even in the realm of his comprehension for himself. However he 1000% invested in our poly family where i am poly but very non open and my OSO is very open.

... and that concludes the most labels I’ve ever used to describe us!
 
My partner and I began as an open and poly friendly relationship and decided to temporary close the relationship during the NRE phase. We have been together for two years and are beginning to talk poly lifestyle and opening the relationship.

My partner is dictating that we will make a commitment to only date other openly poly individuals. He only want me to date men who are openly poly on there profile.

He said that if we are going to open the relationship he only wants to open it to people that share our relationship philosophies.


This is the first time in the two years you have been together that this is being discussed? Seems like this is something that would have come up right near the beginning, since you two began as open and made a conscious decision to close. So now you're both quite invested in your relationship and have discovered a point of incompatibility. What else have you avoided talking about while enjoying two years of NRE?
 
Thank you for more info.

Therefore I don’t consent to a meta relationship with someone of differing relationship ideology than my own.

How do you pick your metas? Aren't they just... metas? Because your partner is dating them? You don't have to be best friends with them or anything, but I don't understand that sentence.

Mark said:
The meta relationship requires trust, compassion, and respect on both ends and I simply don’t believe someone of a non-poly relationship ideology can provide that. Therefor I don’t consent to a meta relationship with someone of differing relationship ideology than my own. And just like I wouldn’t trust a politician that suddenly changes political parties when it becomes convenient for them, same is true for relationship style. I choose for myself to have meta relationships with experienced poly individuals only

Or do you mean you prefer your partner date people with past polyshipping experience? Which is supposed to demonstrate they will automatically come with the desired character traits?

What if it was an experienced poly person.... but they had a different idealogy or poor character? Then what? It's possible for poly people to be assholes. Or not assholes... but still don't line up. How much would it matter when you aren't the one dating them? Is it you are hoping to practice some kind of kitchen table poly where getting along well with metas is super important?

What if it was an experienced "end point" person in V? Who might be monoamorous and only want the one sweetie, but was totally fine participating in a past polyship for years, had the desired character traits... would that be ok?

And how would Amy find out what their ideologies are and what kind of character they have without some time and space to get to know the person? Cuz one can outright lie or exaggerate on a dating profile or make themselves sound better than they actually are, right?

I don't esp want to deal in newbies either, so I get that. But at the same time?

Dating itself is a process to weed out the incompatible people. I would have to trust DH not to be picking out weirdos in the "rough sort." Then over time, sort out the "deeply compatible" from the "initially compatible." He would have to trust me to do same.

I would want anyone in the polyship to have good character traits like being trustworthy, compassionate, respectful, etc.

I'm just not sure going by an online dating profile alone is the best way to take full measure of a person's character.

So maybe the important part is not what is written on a dating profile? Like yeah... start with people who are already poly if possible in order to skip the poly newbie hassles... but MOST important is (insert list.)

So maybe you could both have a conversation about what kind of character traits you value in others and what behaviors from a meta would be a dealbreaker? So you can better figure out what (insert list) actually is to each of you?

Galagirl
 
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I can see how Amy finds this controlling. Mark either trusts her to choose her own dates, using whatever criteria she deems reasonable, or he doesn't.

Why not let her date freely? Amy should be able to figure out, in the first couple dates with someone, whether they will be comfortable in a poly relationship. She can stop seeing them if it turns out they aren't comfortable with her relationship with Mark. What is it that Mark fears will happen if Amy doesn't use his criteria to find a partner?

I have found that seeking someone labeling themselves "poly" on their dating site is actually harder than it might sound. (Especially now that OKCupid no longer seems to work very well.) Some people can be happy being either poly or mono. Others are mono but are happy having a poly partner. Others are still figuring it all out and aren't sure how to label themselves yet. Others are staunchly non-monogamous but uncomfortable with the label "poly," due to various reasons (such as identifying as a relationship anarchist, or having had bad experiences with poly dating, etc).

I think it would be more restrictive than you think to insist that someone be openly poly on a dating site.

I can see not wanting Amy to date someone who's mono and would want her to leave Mark. But wouldn't Amy not want such a partner anyway? Why not trust Amy to manage her own dating life?
 
He said that if we are going to open the relationship he only wants to open it to people that share our relationship philosophies. I get where he’s coming from But I think he’s being controlling and I’m not interested in being a conformist. But he’s says those are is terms and we can break up if I don’t want to bow to his desires.

In reality, it sounds like you two are just discovering that you have some incompatibility issues to take a look at.

Your partner is well within his rights to say "I only want situation X, and will not endure any other situation", and you are perfectly within your rights to say "that's not what I want, so that doesn't work". At this point, assuming neither of you is interested in giving in, it's just a matter of adjusting your relationship to fit within the new reality.

I'm glad you guys have discovered this incompatibility, and I hope that you are both honest with yourselves and with each other. No one has done anything wrong, and it's just a matter of being adults and making adjustments to a relationship that is no longer lining up in specific ways.
 
There are so many different ideologies under the umbrella of polyamory that I don't understand this boundary, personally.

Say Amy dates Ben. Ben identifies as poly but is a strict relationship anarchist or parallel poly type and has no interest in meeting, hanging out with, or relating in any way with Mark. If Amy even mentions that Mark feels a certain way about something and it is impacting her relationship with Ben, he is uncomfortable instead of framing it as an Amy decision (like "I have to use condoms with you because Mark is uncomfortable" instead of "I want/need us to use condoms") and will consider breaking up if it happens. Is this acceptable?

Amy then goes out with Chad. Chad has always been monogamous but is open to polyamory and has friends who identify as polyam. Chad is open to getting to know Mark and creating more of a kitchen table style setup and is very understanding about including Mark's feelings and ideas in decision making about most topics. He still does not think he will date anyone else, because he feels like he is likely mono for life, but he has no issues remaining a non-nesting partner in this polyamorous network. This isn't ok because he doesn't want to date others, correct? Even though he is open to building a respectful, comfortable friendship with Mark?

This doesn't make sense to me. Certain monogamous people are going to be more compatible to certain poly networks than poly people with very different structural preferences. Mark is fully within his rights to prefer only being connected to poly folks, but I would also find it very controlling and would not agree to it.
 
This doesn't make sense to me. Certain monogamous people are going to be more compatible to certain poly networks than poly people with very different structural preferences. Mark is fully within his rights to prefer only being connected to poly folks, but I would also find it very controlling and would not agree to it.

I would also consider this to be fundamentally controlling. It is a sign that their partner doesn't trust their judgment and is laying down some ground rules for how to pick partners. It is meddlesome and I don't think it's a good idea to approach relationships that way.

The end result is the same, that they have to decide how to address the incompatibility. I would address it by nipping it in the bud, but I'm curious to see how Amy decides to handle it.
 
I have a distaste for the way the term controlling is used as a derogative. When I entered into a relationship I also consented to certain levels of controlling behavior from Amy. Such as, my own financial autonomy as I have redirected some resources and bestowed them onto Amy as she works towards her college degree. It is also a difficult time for her as she is unemployed due to the pandemic. Though no one would call Amy "controlling" for asking for support in order to spend more time with me and take the relationship to the next level. But that is how the classical double standard goes.

I disagree with the view that metas are "just metas" as someone put it, because I believe that metas have a significant influence on ones life. Not only are you swapping spit and other biological fluids with a meta they also have influence on your partner at the very least. Trusting a mono male not to do mono male things would be like trusting a republican not to do capitalistic things. I know as some of you mentioned that you found the perfect mono partner to fit in your polycule... Good for you. I don't see any reason to tolerate the search for a needle in the haystack when we are starting from scratch.

As far as the endless what-iffs? It's nothing more than a thinly vailed argument tacit to keep someone spinning in circles as you feed a deluge of endless circumstances with disregard to how realistic they might be. At this time, Amy was setting up a dating profile on tinder so that was the topic of discussion. I will not chase my tale for your amusement.

The problem is Amy wants to have her cake and eat it too. She wants full autonomy regarding who she brings into the relationship yet does not want an autonomous relationship with me.

I can be flexible, I have offered to reconfigure my relationship with Amy to one of complete personal independence, as such I will stop providing Amy with financial support and we can enjoy each other over common interests and have that be the extent of the relationship. I wont make an investment, monetary or otherwise in a relationship that is not give and take. (Because I am a "controlling" apparently.)

Otherwise I will choose for my self to have some level of discretion over my metas because despite popular belief here, they are my metas too and I have right of consent over who I involve myself with.
 
I can be flexible, I have offered to reconfigure my relationship with Amy to one of complete personal independence, as such I will stop providing Amy with financial support and we can enjoy each other over common interests and have that be the extent of the relationship. I wont make an investment, monetary or otherwise in a relationship that is not give and take. (Because I am a "controlling" apparently.)

THAT IS A MISOGYNISTIC THREAT and BS ULTIMATUM!
 
I can be flexible, I have offered to reconfigure my relationship with Amy to one of complete personal independence, as such I will stop providing Amy with financial support and we can enjoy each other over common interests and have that be the extent of the relationship. I wont make an investment, monetary or otherwise in a relationship that is not give and take. (Because I am a "controlling" apparently.)

You certainly have every right to make whatever demands you like on your partner, and they have every right to not capitulate to these demands. You also get to decide how you define your behavior as something other than controlling, and others get to disagree with you.

It sounds to me like the polyamory "discussion" you two seem to be having is merely a distraction. I would say that the two of you have some pretty big problems and I'm skeptical that polyamory has anything to do with it. Hopefully each of you will take a deep breath and do some introspection, because it looks like there is some heavy weight resentment that you have for each other but are only just now discovering.
 
I disagree with the view that metas are "just metas" as someone put it, because I believe that metas have a significant influence on ones life.

It depends on the configuration of association you have set up, but in general I would tend to agree with this one specific statement. People who have more autonomous or "solo" relationships will have quite a bit more give in how much impact a meta has on them, while people who have more traditional enmeshed relationships will have very little margin for error.

While the people who are in our direct orbit have the biggest impact on our lives, the people we allow in our near orbit can have quite a bit of sway over our well being. It's healthy to recognize where your tolerance is, and it's constructive to let the people involved know what those limits are.
 
Is the dating priority the problem or is it the rule?

Does Amy fundamentally disagree with the request because she specifically wants to date monogamous partners? Or does Amy fundamentally disagree because Mark is making a request about her dating life?

It’s worth making that distinction because if it is the latter you can possibly reframe the request into something that doesn’t feel as icky to Amy but provides the reassurance Mark appears to be seeking.

If Amy is looking for total autonomous poly and Mark is looking for a more enmeshed style of Poly it might make the most sense to end the relationship. It sounds like compromise over differing “ideologies” likely won’t lead to long term happiness for Mark.. In fact, after Mark’s comments about ideology I am surprised that a compromise was offered on your own relationship dynamic but no compromise was offered for the meta relationship dynamic. It’s a contradictory gesture...

I would recommend to anyone with the desire to maintain a very high level of autonomy to abstain from financial support from others. Nothing is more freeing than self sufficiency.
 
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