I read some stuff on forced consent, as I try to get more and more informed on the issue. She could very well force me to consent to this by, for one, telling me to choose between allowing her to do this or breaking up. We both know what I would choose. Luckily, she doesn't want to do this (for now, things might change in the future who knows)
My consent belongs to me. I decide what I will and will not participate in. So I don't resonate with that "forced consent" thing. I'd say no thanks. And if my partner wanted to still go there? I'd break up so it could be clean. They can go do whatever without me and I don't have to be involved in it.
Isn't it selfish to deny her an emotional/sexual fulfillment? Isn't this going to make her miserable in the long run?
Not to me. I don't think anyone "owes" anyone else sex. Or "fulfillment" or whatever. Do you believe her emotional and sexual fulfillment is a job she does or you do?
If she's miserable in the long run? She doesn't HAVE to stay miserable. She can change her situation, right? Do you believe her emotional management is her job or yours?
I believe a person is responsible for creating their own happiness. They also take care of their own self first, then can help other people with reasonable and rational requests from a full tank of gas and not like burning out.
I don't help children find shoes or socks or breakfast BEFORE I pee and brush teeth. My basics come first. I'm peeing! Afterward, then I might be willing to help others with reasonable requests.
I agree to what you said. However she says without my agreement the point is moot. I trust her. So it kinda boils down to me giving her permission to act on her desires.
She just said it would be moot. A matter of no importance. That sounds like she's willing to let it go. Why aren't you?
She understands, and hopes i'll reconsider. I said i'd look into it as it's a topic I have very little previous exposure to and like to make informed decisions.
For one, I do not know why I feel bad considering the idea, nor why I care so much about having a monogamous relationship. Might be something for a psy to unpack, but I have a dissonance between what I think (open couples seem fun for all involved) and what I feel (opening my couple would be ruinous for me).
I'll be honest. If doing X would be ruinous for you? Don't do it then! Seems kinda obvious.
I love my spouse a lot. But NO. Not even for him will I do stuff that is hurtful to me. Nor would he want me to.
If this would be ruinous and hurt you, you could say "No. I love you a lot, but not even for you will I do stuff that hurts me. So if you really need to be doing this, it has to be without me and best we disband. Then you are FREE TO pursue open/poly things you want and I am FREE FROM open/poly things I don't want."
Is it a hard limit with you? Like NO, not ever in a million years would you want to go there? Cuz that is how it sounds. Could just say so.
Well, looking out for MY well-being instead of OUR well-being is selfish imo. valuing my well-being over hers by deciding not to grant her a permission she feels she needs is quite selfish
You are not able to look out for both your own well being (individual person)?
She looks out for her own well being (individual person)?
And you both tend to the shared job of looking out for the well being of the couple?
she does see that. Which is why she wants me to agree to the thing before she even decides how to go about it or takes unilateral action.
And what if you
don't agree even after talking to a counselor? Is she able to let this go?
She has no wish to hurt me nor to strain (or end) the relationship. Neither do I. Any way I look at this someone will have to sacrifice his/her happiness for the other.
Nope. Someone "sacrificing" like that "for me" would not make me happy. Cuz I don't ask people to do that. I rather they not hurt themselves.
I guess my question is: should I be the one to sacrifice my happiness?
Why would it be ok for you to ding your own self doing something you find ruinous? What would that do for you? Would that cause strain for you and for the relationship? Cuz just a second ago you said neither of you wants to strain the relationship
Do you believe "love has to be proven" or something? So you have to keep doing these sacrifices so the beloved will appreciate or value you?
Or do you believe love is simply shared?
I could be wrong but you sound kind of enmeshed. Kinda sound like you feel pressured to consent to something you don't really want from fear of her leaving you to go do it without you. Is that the suffering? Inner conflict between ugh 1 and ugh 2?
Or more like... you feel pressured to consent to something you don't really want from a sense of obligation that "good partners" are supposed to be "sacrificing their happiness" for each other somehow? Like stuck between ugh 1 and ugh 3?
If I decide to give her this 'permission', how do I cope with it?
Only you can answer that. How will you cope if you go against your own grain and do ruinous things to yourself to try to please partner? And over time... will doing this breed resentment? Cuz you already kinda hate her for just bringing it up. But you are gonna go make it WORSE?
While not straining the relationship.
Do you hear how you sound?
I think you may need to sleep in the short term. And in the longer term? Not rush any of this. Talk to your counselor.
thank you SO MUCH for your response! I have no one to talk this with and this is really nice
Here are some links.
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell and other articles at
http://www.kathylabriola.com/system/app/pages/subPages?path=/articles
Information on relationship skills, education and activism information related to the practice of polyamory; polyamory media resource.
www.practicalpolyamory.com
I'll be honest though. Learning links don't matter if you already know deep down you don't want to be doing this.
If you have a gut wrenching feeling... you could listen to your feelings.
I don't think going along with it just to please her when you find it super ugh is self respecting or self honoring behavior. There is such thing as being
too selfless.
I get neither one wants to break up.
But this isn't some minor thing. "Curiosity" one can go "Oh, well" and put it away and not go there. If this is NEED for her? Then you may have grown in different directions over the years.
I hope counseling can help you sort some stuff out.
Esp feeling guilty for saying "no" to stuff that doesn't interest you. It's not a crime to be uninterested in doing open/poly. It's not a crime to tell your partner what you are and are not willing to do. You are allowed to take up the space you do in this world. You are allowed to have your own thoughts and opinions.
Galagirl