Arc said:
Ah I see, I missed the limited timeframe. Do you think it would be good to check in at the end of the 2 weeks (or whatever timeframe) just to kind of... make sure? Or just assume it happened unless she tells me otherwise?
Up to you if you want to check in or just assume. Either way? You have to learn to deal with it eventually.
Remember too this might be feeling "extra" just because it's the FIRST first. Say she breaks up with this dude. Or gets another partner in addition to this dude. If eventually there's another "first time sharing sex with a new partner" time? At that point for you it won't be the FIRST first. You also will know a little bit more about yourself and what you need. Hikes helped, baking cookies with kids did not. Stuff like that to make it easier. You also know her better and how she handles herself as a hinge.
Have you talked about info management?
That if sex happened, safer sex practices were used? I think that's a must for all.
How she feels in general? That's up to her to share or not.
But TMI details? It's not only her info. It would be her other partner's info as well. Just as you probably don't want her telling another partner your TMI sex details (you love or hate oral sex for instance), they probably aren't going to love her telling you their TMI sex details.
Years ago the one time I got into
a thing (not a fight or argument, but a thing) with BF2 was when he was asking me how long after the first time I was with him did I wait before sharing sex again with BF1 (who is now my DH.) I asked him why this suddenly was a concern? Both knew about the other, both knew I was not exclusive, both new I used safer sex practices, etc. I said could tell him but it wasn't only my info to share. I wasn't thrilled about just blabbing people's private details but I could check in with how BF1 felt about my disclosing that data and whatever else was a concern. So best make a list and be prepared if BF1 declines on some of the questions and chooses to "pass." Turned out BF2 was worried about my hinge skills or me "comparing" or whatever. And seeing me hold the line hard and fast reassured him. I wasn't going to blab TMI things indiscriminately in one direction. So I wasn't going to do it in the other either and tell BF1 anything about HIM without him knowing or be asking consent first. So he said "Never mind. This conversation solved it. I'm good."
He simply had been worrying about things but couldn't
articulate the worry more clearly and needed a conversation to help him figure it out. Because really? Knowing it was X days later would not have reassured him on the "She doesn't blab stuff, does she?" which was the REAL worry.
I don't know if maybe some of your struggles are something like that? Articulating the worries?
People used to ask me if it bothered me or if I was jealous when BF1 was off with other women. I would say no. When the more accurate answer was "It depends on who it is. Some I feel fine, because they seem sane. Some I am not great with, because they seem kooky and I wonder about his ability to discern." Because I was getting used to him still, and didn't know what his judgement was like. But *I* wanted the freedom to date who *I* wanted, so I was willing to put up with some discomfort because turnabout is fair. I struggled a bit again when BF2 was seeing other women. But I was willing to go there into that discomfort because fair is fair. They each had to deal with it when shoe was on the other foot when I was seeing whoever I was seeing back then. Like open/poly relationship = more than one partner. Where is
surprise?
Emotional management around hinge skills are different than around meta skills. You sound like you are doing your prep work in considering things from both angles. That's good. Right now, "meta skills" is just the one first up on your plate because it's dealing with her having this other partner first.
My take on what some people are saying is basically, if she stays out all night and I've been stewing, not sleeping, maybe feeling resentful or frustrated (nothing new - all stuff we've been through before) and parks the car, opens the door and I'm standing by the stairs with a pissed off, angry, hostile look on my face, well, what's the point of any of this?
That's how I took perceived it as well. You sound like you have a handle on it. Asking for help support is fine. Acting out at her when she first walks back in the door is not.
Another thought for stuff to do -- maybe ordering a kit? My spouse has been doing his kit things lately for his model planes. He also likes carpentry and gardening so for father's day we were thinking of getting him a garden kit thing to build so he has the fun of building it because he always embellishes things with his carpentry skills beyond "basic kit instructions". Then the fun of actually using what he made in his garden stuff. One of the kids has a
https://www.cratejoy.com/ subscription for one of her interests.
For me, to air out in pandemic? I've been considering going during a day off with a friend to a museum exhibit in person now that we both have vaccines rather than online exhibits i'd been doing. Still masked and distance but a little airing out. When kids were little we'd take them to the children's museum a lot and kid activities in the library.
HTH!
Galagirl