Getting through the initial stage of partner having sex with meta

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Arc

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that isn’t even in question I was referring to a specific situation.




I DIDNT SEE ARC the type to have a 3 am meltdown or any really meltdown and I wholeheartedly agree thise aren’t going to be very productive in the grand scheme. However being afraid to express a thought or feeling because you dont want to ruin her mood is equally silly IMO.
I'm actually looking at it from a self-interested perspective - Will ruining her mood cause more pain and suffering for us both in the following week? And will it make my own process of developing sexual relationships messier, down the line? As far as I can tell, the answer is "yes". I can't see any good reason to ruin her mood, even from a self-interested perspective.
GOOD ADVICE. However maybe the foundation is the key …it may not matter in the least how he acts and performs as we’ve seen here Hundreds of times. I’m not advocating a meltdown nor would anyone I just don’t think sharing his truth at whatever moment he might want to do that should take a backseat to her endorphin high. Everyone is and adult here and has to recognize the costs of this kind of stuff.
 

Arc

Member
Well, "sometime in the next two weeks" let's you know by the end of the 2 weeks it happened in there somewhere. You don't spend a month wondering, but you don't have to know EXACTLY which day it was either.
Ah I see, I missed the limited timeframe. Do you think it would be good to check in at the end of the 2 weeks (or whatever timeframe) just to kind of... make sure? Or just assume it happened unless she tells me otherwise?

I can see that working. In fact, it has already worked with the physical aspect; I gave the go ahead for physical stuff that was non-sexual (although it turned out the definition of that was somewhat contentious and upsetting). I don't exactly know if or what has happened since then (it was actually just a week ago) but I'm assuming there has been some making out, touching, that sort of thing. But not knowing exactly has been okay, and just last night I remember thinking, "It's going to be weird kissing her (or touching her, etc.) if she's been kissing someone else." My brain went towards the kissing, imagined his hands touching her, etc. But then I just consciously decided to get over it, that it actually wasn't that big a deal, I imagined myself kissing or touching another woman and realized that that would not really change anything between me and R.... and I felt fine (...and then we had sex!)

So now that I think this through, this might be a good option.

Any of those work. So does doing a closet deep clean or similar house tasks that are pending. Or baking with the kids. Or a combo of things.

GL!
Galagirl
Yes, I like the idea of cleaning something and listening to a podcast or music! See this is why I ask for advice; even though it's personal, it's good to get ideas and makes me feel more prepared. :)
 

Arc

Member
Seems unfair that the partner who is struggling, who will be doing emotional work while his partner is off having sexy time, is discouraged from seeking the support of his partner immediately afterwards. I would instead suggest that his wife should be extra attentive and present with Arc afterwards to insure there's no damage to THAT end of her hinge.
My take on what some people are saying is basically, if she stays out all night and I've been stewing, not sleeping, maybe feeling resentful or frustrated (nothing new - all stuff we've been through before) and parks the car, opens the door and I'm standing by the stairs with a pissed off, angry, hostile look on my face, well, what's the point of any of this? I mean, I genuinely don't want to go through all this shit if it ends up being a terrible experience for her. That would be the worst! So if I'm in that kind of mood and it seems like things are going to turn negative, it would probably be better for me to process that on my own or with a friend, and then talk about it that night in a way that really communicates what I want to communicate. She'll be much more receptive, and much less hopeless or bummed out.

Now, if I'm really sad and teary and feeling scared and needing a hug or comfort or whatever, I think that might be easier for us to handle in the moment - I won't be too worried about bursting her bubble.
If Arc can put his stuff aside to allow her space to pursue another relationship, surely she can put her bliss aside for long enough to connect emotionally with Arc, even if it brings her down from her high. Hopefully we're not talking about a sleep-deprived meltdown here--that's never constructive. But I don't think a hinge ought to be exempt from emotional lifting if one or more of their partners is struggling.

My boyfriend and I have a guideline that's kinda "I will work hard to handle all that I can emotionally on my own, and only come to you for help with the spill-over."
I think that is a good guideline! I think I will steal it.

Arc, quite possibly you'll do just fine that night and find it empowering to get through it unscathed. You've done your homework and are better prepared than most to excel at this challenge. I'm rooting for you!
Thank you! I am hoping so too. I'm going to try to hope for the best but be prepared for some challenges. I appreciate you using the word empowering because that is for some reason meaningful to me about all this. Like, to be able to say (and believe): "I feel confident enough in myself to be okay with what is happening," seems like a really strong place to be.
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
I’m having a hard time with the idea that someone sharing a thought or feeling is automatically driven to make his or her partner to feel BAD and by doing this Will automatically make one feel better. I don’t see the one to one there.

Hmm. Let me rephrase. This is a thing I’ve thought a lot about because my natural instinct is to EMOTE, and express strongly, whatever I am feeling… and if I do this while I am upset without considering my words and tone it _will_ make my partner feel bad, whether I mean it to or not.

So, while I might feel better having Gotten Things Off My Chest, if I'm not careful about it I will have gained catharsis through inflicting suffering.

I'm actually looking at it from a self-interested perspective - Will ruining her mood cause more pain and suffering for us both in the following week? And will it make my own process of developing sexual relationships messier, down the line? As far as I can tell, the answer is "yes". I can't see any good reason to ruin her mood, even from a self-interested perspective.
My take on what some people are saying is basically, if she stays out all night and I've been stewing, not sleeping, maybe feeling resentful or frustrated (nothing new - all stuff we've been through before) and parks the car, opens the door and I'm standing by the stairs with a pissed off, angry, hostile look on my face, well, what's the point of any of this? I mean, I genuinely don't want to go through all this shit if it ends up being a terrible experience for her. That would be the worst! So if I'm in that kind of mood and it seems like things are going to turn negative, it would probably be better for me to process that on my own or with a friend, and then talk about it that night in a way that really communicates what I want to communicate. She'll be much more receptive, and much less hopeless or bummed out.
Like, to be able to say (and believe): "I feel confident enough in myself to be okay with what is happening," seems like a really strong place to be.

Yes! This is exactly it. I think you have TOTALLY got this.
 
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dingedheart

Well-known member
lovebunny said :
Seems unfair that the partner who is struggling, who will be doing emotional work while his partner is off having sexy time, is discouraged from seeking the support of his partner immediately afterwards. I would instead suggest that his wife should be extra attentive and present with Arc afterwards to insure there's no damage to THAT end of her hinge.

This is the basic line of thought I was trying to convey. Thank you love bunny for presenting it better 😁👍


Arc said :
Now, if I'm really sad and teary and feeling scared and needing a hug or comfort or whatever, I think that might be easier for us to handle in the moment - I won't be too worried about bursting her bubble.

Yes …this also is what I had in mind. ALSO YOU COULD BE ASKED ….” How did it go tonight …how are you holding up “ some very innocent questions on her part and not necessarily thinking of your emotional state but general state and I don’t think in that situation I’d worry about being a buzz kill Or bursting a bubble If you shared that. Again if you wanted to. And Oh well if this happened to dampen her mood and kill her buzz she might as well face the reality of being back home….sorry. Everyone has a reality to face in this stuff.

Icesong said:

Hmm. Let me rephrase. This is a thing I’ve thought a lot about because my natural instinct is to EMOTE, and express strongly, whatever I am feeling… and if I do this while I am upset without considering my words and tone it _will_ make my partner feel bad, whether I mean it to or not.

So, while I might feel better having Gotten Things Off My Chest, if I'm not careful about it I will have gained catharsis through inflicting suffering.

1) I thought you can’t make your partners feel anything ?? 2) so what you’re saying is melting down makes you feel better but it comes at the expense of your partners and that I so doing your partners gain nothing from the exchange except needless suffering. OR THAT the points andnor information was lost because of the words and tone used ?
 
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PolAmy

New member
Do you think your wife might flip flop on you when it is your turn? Why is it her turn first and then your turn after? Is she manipulating that arrangement?

I agree that tip toeing around your wife just because she is in post sex bliss with no regard for yourself or how you are feeling is unwise.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Arc said:
Ah I see, I missed the limited timeframe. Do you think it would be good to check in at the end of the 2 weeks (or whatever timeframe) just to kind of... make sure? Or just assume it happened unless she tells me otherwise?

Up to you if you want to check in or just assume. Either way? You have to learn to deal with it eventually.

Remember too this might be feeling "extra" just because it's the FIRST first. Say she breaks up with this dude. Or gets another partner in addition to this dude. If eventually there's another "first time sharing sex with a new partner" time? At that point for you it won't be the FIRST first. You also will know a little bit more about yourself and what you need. Hikes helped, baking cookies with kids did not. Stuff like that to make it easier. You also know her better and how she handles herself as a hinge.

Have you talked about info management?

That if sex happened, safer sex practices were used? I think that's a must for all.

How she feels in general? That's up to her to share or not.

But TMI details? It's not only her info. It would be her other partner's info as well. Just as you probably don't want her telling another partner your TMI sex details (you love or hate oral sex for instance), they probably aren't going to love her telling you their TMI sex details.

Years ago the one time I got into a thing (not a fight or argument, but a thing) with BF2 was when he was asking me how long after the first time I was with him did I wait before sharing sex again with BF1 (who is now my DH.) I asked him why this suddenly was a concern? Both knew about the other, both knew I was not exclusive, both new I used safer sex practices, etc. I said could tell him but it wasn't only my info to share. I wasn't thrilled about just blabbing people's private details but I could check in with how BF1 felt about my disclosing that data and whatever else was a concern. So best make a list and be prepared if BF1 declines on some of the questions and chooses to "pass." Turned out BF2 was worried about my hinge skills or me "comparing" or whatever. And seeing me hold the line hard and fast reassured him. I wasn't going to blab TMI things indiscriminately in one direction. So I wasn't going to do it in the other either and tell BF1 anything about HIM without him knowing or be asking consent first. So he said "Never mind. This conversation solved it. I'm good."

He simply had been worrying about things but couldn't articulate the worry more clearly and needed a conversation to help him figure it out. Because really? Knowing it was X days later would not have reassured him on the "She doesn't blab stuff, does she?" which was the REAL worry.

I don't know if maybe some of your struggles are something like that? Articulating the worries?

People used to ask me if it bothered me or if I was jealous when BF1 was off with other women. I would say no. When the more accurate answer was "It depends on who it is. Some I feel fine, because they seem sane. Some I am not great with, because they seem kooky and I wonder about his ability to discern." Because I was getting used to him still, and didn't know what his judgement was like. But *I* wanted the freedom to date who *I* wanted, so I was willing to put up with some discomfort because turnabout is fair. I struggled a bit again when BF2 was seeing other women. But I was willing to go there into that discomfort because fair is fair. They each had to deal with it when shoe was on the other foot when I was seeing whoever I was seeing back then. Like open/poly relationship = more than one partner. Where is surprise?

Emotional management around hinge skills are different than around meta skills. You sound like you are doing your prep work in considering things from both angles. That's good. Right now, "meta skills" is just the one first up on your plate because it's dealing with her having this other partner first.

My take on what some people are saying is basically, if she stays out all night and I've been stewing, not sleeping, maybe feeling resentful or frustrated (nothing new - all stuff we've been through before) and parks the car, opens the door and I'm standing by the stairs with a pissed off, angry, hostile look on my face, well, what's the point of any of this?

That's how I took perceived it as well. You sound like you have a handle on it. Asking for help support is fine. Acting out at her when she first walks back in the door is not.

Another thought for stuff to do -- maybe ordering a kit? My spouse has been doing his kit things lately for his model planes. He also likes carpentry and gardening so for father's day we were thinking of getting him a garden kit thing to build so he has the fun of building it because he always embellishes things with his carpentry skills beyond "basic kit instructions". Then the fun of actually using what he made in his garden stuff. One of the kids has a https://www.cratejoy.com/ subscription for one of her interests.

For me, to air out in pandemic? I've been considering going during a day off with a friend to a museum exhibit in person now that we both have vaccines rather than online exhibits i'd been doing. Still masked and distance but a little airing out. When kids were little we'd take them to the children's museum a lot and kid activities in the library.

HTH!
Galagirl
 
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Arc

Member
Do you think your wife might flip flop on you when it is your turn? Why is it her turn first and then your turn after? Is she manipulating that arrangement?
As far as I can tell, no, I don't think she will flip flop. There's a chance she will get a jealousy streak if I meet someone who triggers her insecurities, but I think she has the self-awareness to know that she'll have to deal with that on her own (Edit: I didn't really mean "Deal with it on her own," because I will be happy to be here for her to talk; I meant that she will know she has to take responsibility for her feelings and not try to shut the relationship down just because now she feels jealous). Meanwhile, to her credit, she's been very encouraging of me to meet women, if only because it would make me feel better about her seeing other guys, and she's shown no signs of jealousy.

It is only her "turn" because she took the initiative and met someone first. I have had my issues about that (see this post) but not because there is a double standard.
I agree that tip toeing around your wife just because she is in post sex bliss with no regard for yourself or how you are feeling is unwise.
 
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Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
I find it interesting that you and wife and her "bf" are taking this so slowly. This was probably recommended by your therapist? Is bf fine with his partner's partner making decisions about what he can do with his gf? I see this already backfired a bit when you gave your consent for your wife to do "physical" (but supposedly not sexual things) with her bf. But what is sex? In our hetero mono world, "sex" means penis in vagina. But you had the rude awakening that making out and "fondling" (euphemism for touching tits and ass and genitals in order to stimulate them, maybe to orgasm) was pretty much "sex" anyway. This apparently caused a heated argument.

So... my point is, they made out, and they "touched," which I will perhaps wrongly assume means, she touched his dick and he touched her pussy. So what is so magical about a penis going where his fingers have already gone? I'm serious. What's the deal?

What if she was bi and was going to "have sex" with another woman? There's no penis involved. Kissing and "touching" is lesbian sex (unless you bring out the toys). So does that not count as "sex" to you? Is it risk of pregnancy? Or is it some semi-conscious patriarchal idea that you own your wife, and that if another man puts his penis in "your" vagina, you become emasculated, a cuckold?

I am not accusing you of being an asshole. I just think it helps to look beneath the surface and discover why you think you have the right to "permit" (or not permit) your wife to express her sexuality in any way she sees fit. As Galagirl said, just assume "sex" is on the table, so whether it's fingers or tongues or penis in vagina, wife is feeling pleasure, and maybe she's cumming. Someone is making her feel good. You also get your turn to make her feel good.

She deserves pleasure (as do you, of course). There's nothing scary about seeing your wife eat yummy food, or have a good foot massage at the nail salon, or laugh at a great funny joke, or smell a beautiful flower, or be awed at a midnight sky full of stars. Life is full of pleasures. Sharing sex is just one more pleasure humans get to enjoy. It needn't be seen as any kind of threat.
 

Arc

Member
I find it interesting that you and wife and her "bf" are taking this so slowly.
R and I never officially "opened up". I asked to get a therapist 6 months ago to work out our issues first, before dating. She procrastinated and then met someone. That put us on a fast track to opening up.
This was probably recommended by your therapist?
No it was our joint decision based on what we thought would be best for our relationship.
Is bf fine with his partner's partner making decisions about what he can do with his gf?
Well I disagree with your framing here. I am not making decisions for anyone. I am working with my wife to create a relationship that is healthy and consentually non-monogamous.

Oh and yes, he is fine. He doesn't want to mess up a 20 year relationship/family structure because of a 1 month relationship. This is one reason I feel good about that relationship. If he were upset that we are prioritizing our relationship over his sexual needs, I would consider that a bad sign.
I see this already backfired a bit when you gave your consent for your wife to do "physical" (but supposedly not sexual things) with her bf. But what is sex? In our hetero mono world, "sex" means penis in vagina. But you had the rude awakening that making out and "fondling" (euphemism for touching tits and ass and genitals in order to stimulate them, maybe to orgasm) was pretty much "sex" anyway. This apparently caused a heated argument.
I am not sure, maybe I wasn't clear, but this doesn't really describe the situation as it happened. The issue was around negotiating safer sex practices that we were both comfortable with.
So... my point is, they made out, and they "touched," which I will perhaps wrongly assume means, she touched his dick and he touched her pussy. So what is so magical about a penis going where his fingers have already gone? I'm serious. What's the deal?
Actually the issue was about fluid exposure and what I felt comfortable with. We got in a fight because I wanted to address safety in detail (hand jobs, oral, PIV, anal) and she wanted to keep things vague.
What if she was bi and was going to "have sex" with another woman? There's no penis involved. Kissing and "touching" is lesbian sex (unless you bring out the toys). So does that not count as "sex" to you? Is it risk of pregnancy? Or is it some semi-conscious patriarchal idea that you own your wife, and that if another man puts his penis in "your" vagina, you become emasculated, a cuckold?
You know, I think you are making a lot of assumptions about me and my ideas about "sex" here.
I am not accusing you of being an asshole.
I should hope not.
I just think it helps to look beneath the surface and discover why you think you have the right to "permit" (or not permit) your wife to express her sexuality in any way she sees fit. As Galagirl said, just assume "sex" is on the table, so whether it's fingers or tongues or penis in vagina, wife is feeling pleasure, and maybe she's cumming. Someone is making her feel good. You also get your turn to make her feel good.
I don't know if you read the original post, but that is literally what I am doing. That is why I made this post.

I think your opinion highlights a big theme/source of conflict: Rachel has a right to bodily autonomy and is free to do what she wants. So does Frank. So do I.

I also have the right to be in a type of relationship that I want which may be monogamous or not.

If she exercises her right it will impact me. I should have a say in this process. That's not the same as control.
She deserves pleasure (as do you, of course). There's nothing scary about seeing your wife eat yummy food, or have a good foot massage at the nail salon, or laugh at a great funny joke, or smell a beautiful flower, or be awed at a midnight sky full of stars. Life is full of pleasures. Sharing sex is just one more pleasure humans get to enjoy. It needn't be seen as any kind of threat.
Have you ever opened up a 20 year monogamous relationship? With kids? It's complicated, emotionally. And I just don't think sex is the same as eating food. At least not for me.

I don't mean to seem defensive here, but it seems like you are just saying that any feelings I have about this are wrong, and accusing me of controlling my wife and mistreating my meta because I want to make sure we are emotionally in the best place to do this.
 

HaloOnFire

Active member
If she exercises her right it will impact me. I should have a say in this process. That's not the same as control.


And this, IMO, is the crux of the matter. Others actions absolutely do have an impact on other people. Whether some people like that fact or not.


Have you ever opened up a 20 year monogamous relationship? With kids? It's complicated, emotionally. And I just don't think sex is the same as eating food. At least not for me.


And it shouldn't be. It's connecting with another human being in the most intimate way. Why someone would equate that to the drive through of a McDonald's is absolutely astonishing.
I don't mean to seem defensive here, but it seems like you are just saying that any feelings I have about this are wrong, and accusing me of controlling my wife and mistreating my meta because I want to make sure we are emotionally in the best place to do this.


FWIW, I think you're doing the right thing. My DH and I have been talking about poly and opening up since October of 2018. And that is what is comfortable for us. I do not blame you in the least for wanting to take your time to ensure that you are ALL in a good place about this, instead of rushing nilly willy into something you may or may not truly want. What's the saying? Poly (or marry) in haste, repent at leisure. :)
 
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Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
R and I never officially "opened up". I asked to get a therapist 6 months ago to work out our issues first, before dating. She procrastinated and then met someone. That put us on a fast track to opening up.
OK, thanks for all of this extra information. It does clear up what is happening in your marriage and in Rachel's new relationship.
No, it was our joint decision based on what we thought would be best for our relationship.

I disagree with your framing here. I am not making decisions for anyone. I am working with my wife to create a relationship that is healthy and consensually non-monogamous.

You two are working from a couple-centric POV. There is a third person involved here, Frank, who also has a say. It seems you are now saying that Frank is in no rush to have sex, even though you said earlier that he and Rachel were extremely ready to have sex, and it was imminent. You said were the only one who was hesitant. I am sorry to be confused.
Yes, he is fine. He doesn't want to mess up a 20 year relationship/family structure because of a 1 month relationship. This is one reason I feel good about that relationship. If he were upset that we are prioritizing our relationship over his sexual needs, I would consider that a bad sign.

...The issue was around negotiating safer sex practices that we were both comfortable with. The issue was about fluid exposure and what I felt comfortable with. We got in a fight because I wanted to address safety in detail (hand jobs, oral, PIV, anal) and she wanted to keep things vague.

I see. Thanks again for more info. So, did you both or did you not agree that hands in the pants was sex? I just wonder if I wasted my time expressing the sexual implications of "touching"/fondling.

It sounds like you and Rachel have not yet agreed on your safer-sex boundaries. That's a pretty big issue. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that she doesn't want to use barriers for digital and oral sex, and you do. Have you ever given oral sex through a barrier (condom or dental dam/saran wrap)?
I think your opinion highlights a big theme/source of conflict: Rachel has a right to bodily autonomy and is free to do what she wants. So does Frank. So do I.

I also have the right to be in a type of relationship that I want, which may be monogamous or not.
Oh! So even though Rachel has been dating Frank for a month, and making out with and getting handsy with hi,, you are still not sure you, personally, wish to be in a polyamorous relationship at all. So there's a chance you may veto this whole thing before Rachel actually does PIV? You had asked how to keep yourself busy during her first "sex date," and many people gave you helpful ideas about how to occupy yourself, but now it seems you're saying you may veto her relationship with Frank (or anyone else) altogether. I'm confused.
If she exercises her right it will impact me. I should have a say in this process. That's not the same as control.

Have you ever opened up a 20 year monogamous relationship? With kids? It's complicated, emotionally. And I just don't think sex is the same as eating food. At least not for me.

Actually, I did exactly that back in 1999-2000, with my now ex-husband. We decided to open. He got a gf. We had 3 kids who were preteens and teens. I gave him my consent to have any kind of sex he wanted to have with her from the get-go. I wasn't about to draw a line in the sand on what 2 adults could do when they were attracted to each other and alone her apartment.

I also made the mistake of vetoing their relationship after several months, for various reasons (mostly because his gf lived 300 miles away, and his regular 3 day visits to her were taking away too much time from his roles as a father and homeowner). I did come to greatly regret my veto, since it was impossible to stuff the horse back into the barn after the door had opened. It just caused massive resentment and more problems.

I honestly am coming from a place of support and understanding of how hard it is to open up, for some long-term mono relationships. I've had lots of experience and am on this board to help newbies. I wish I'd had this kind of help at the time.
I don't mean to seem defensive here, but it seems like you are just saying that any feelings I have about this are wrong, and accusing me of controlling my wife and mistreating my meta because I want to make sure we are emotionally in the best place to do this.
No feelings are wrong. It's understandable to fear loss and displacement. I thought you were OK with opening up your marriage. Now it seems you're still on the fence, despite your OP request. Are you really seriously considering vetoing this relationship or giving up on opening up altogether, even after they have already "gone all the way"? Does Rachel know this? Do you have a consensual veto agreement? Do you understand how a veto can, and probably will, backfire?
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
And it shouldn't be. It's connecting with another human being in the most intimate way. Why someone would equate that to the drive through of a McDonald's is absolutely astonishing.
What is astonishing is where you read that I said sex was like McDonald's. That is a strawman argument.
FWIW, I think you're doing the right thing. My DH and I have been talking about poly and opening up since October of 2018. And that is what is comfortable for us. I do not blame you in the least for wanting to take your time to ensure that you are ALL in a good place about this, instead of rushing willy-nilly into something you may or may not truly want.
It seems the problem is that this couple has not agreed to open, and yet, Rachel is dating and getting sexual with Frank nonetheless. So, she is basically cheating at this point. This was in no way clear in the first page and a half of this thread.
 

PolAmy

New member
What is astonishing is where you read that I said sex was like McDonald's. That is a strawman argument.

Not really, you compared the pleasure of sex to that of the pleasure of a meal. But you failed to acknowledge that you can’t get an std from a hamburger and a banana can’t become pregnant. Your partner is probably not going to run off with a milkshake. If anything the strawman argument is comparing sex to food. They have nothing to do with each other.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Not really, you compared the pleasure of sex to that of the pleasure of a meal. But you failed to acknowledge that you can’t get an std from a hamburger and a banana can’t become pregnant. Your partner is probably not going to run off with a milkshake. If anything the strawman argument is comparing sex to food. They have nothing to do with each other.
The pleasure of yummy food... I didn't mean a burger, a banana or a shake, per se. I think it's clear that good sex is better than a single fast-food burger or fake shake. Although I've had bad sex that was worse haha.

If Arc is afraid Rachel is about to run off with Frank, I will wait for him to say so. That was not in the OP, or in any subsequent posts of his. (He was asking how to occupy himself when they had sex, which was about to happen.) Maybe you are projecting just a bit.

Of course, I dug beneath his original ask, to the crux of the matter, jealousy and fear of loss. That's what it comes down to. I know that others were talking about his possible jealous "meltdown." I was attempting to say that it sounded to me like Rachel and Frank had already been sexual, it was just a matter of degree. In polyamory, we have to be fine with our partners receiving sexual pleasure from others. If Arc does not want to be poly at all, and is considering vetoing the whole shebang, well then. We have a horse of a different color in the barn.
 

PolAmy

New member
Of course, I dug beneath his original ask, to the crux of the matter, jealousy and fear of loss.

Right, and you tried to make the point that there is no more reason to be concerned with sex than a good meal. I provided examples of how your argument was false in my previous post, and you ignored 2 of the 3…. Which is a good sign that deep down you realize that comparing sex to food is illogical.

I just don’t want poor Arc to feel that all poly people feel this way. Some of us in the poly community can differentiate between a meal and a fuck.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
And some of us can differentiate between a Mark and an Amy. ;)

Honestly, you're failing to understand my point. But that's OK.
 

HaloOnFire

Active member
Not really, you compared the pleasure of sex to that of the pleasure of a meal. But you failed to acknowledge that you can’t get an std from a hamburger and a banana can’t become pregnant. Your partner is probably not going to run off with a milkshake. If anything the strawman argument is comparing sex to food. They have nothing to do with each other.


Thank you!

What is astonishing is where you read that I said sex was like McDonald's. That is a strawman argument.


Lady. SUPERMAN could not have made the leaps you made in your arguments to Arc regarding what you posted.
 

Arc

Member
I think this thread is about to be closed. Before that happens, just for the record, numerous inaccurate assumptions have been made about my situation in the last 10 posts. I am not planning on veto-ing anything. I am trying to open my marriage without (re)entering poly-hell, which means not jumping in, or "consenting" (i guess) without what I feel is adequate preparation.

Thanks for all the helpful comments! I'll probably update you about how it goes on my Jealousy Diary blog.
 
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