Nervous

I wondered if something would come up. The moving thing has been an adjustment for all I think. None of us are feeling grounded at the moment and know where we stand. It will come with time, when Mono is settled, and I have got my room together.

Just a thought about hubby-- I think that perhaps the everyday stuff might be a matter of back to the same routine, but you haven't been used to him being there as another person to consider. The relationship he has is new also, in terms of actually being in the same place. You haven't had to consider that he has needs and stuff to do that is present and right in front of you. He has been gone for a long time.

He has a need to get to know his girlfriend again, and her boyfriend, and now has to balance that with you. Stuff will come up with that, I would think. He's not had to do that before. It already is coming up, no? You've already realized that you have a girlfriend who is not available as much as his is and are experiencing feels around that. That isn't the same old routine. That is something you and he haven't had to work on before.

As for the staying away thing on my part. I don't get the whole military thing. People seem to come and go willy-nilly and everyone is cool with it. I am just not like that and don't understand it. Please don't expect me to yet. I have never done well with transitions and this is no different. To me, it's respectful that I give you and him room. I don't want to be demanding we hang out when you are primaries and have stuff to catch up on. I don't feel like I can make the assumption that you are free to do whatever whenever. I guess I also can't assume that you need space either. Its been only three days today since you have been back from being away, though. That is not enough time to settle in. At least, it wouldn't be for me, and that's all I can go on. Last night was your second night home and you know already that Tuesday is the night I go to Mono's. That isn't a lot of time to give you to settle in.

I would wonder if some of this has to do with coming home from being away and getting back into the swing of things with him home? Rather than me and our move and how much time we have together. You can always ask me when we can get together. There is always room to schedule. In fact, as we speak, we made a plan for Monday and we went for coffee on Monday.
 
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*I* don't get the whole military thing either. As far as I'm concerned, it sucks! The ship is really the other woman, the one that says jump and he does without questioning, and that I have no say in anything to do with it when it comes to what I need. I like to complain about it a lot.

Maybe it is a transition thing and trying to transition too many things at once. I'm back in my regular life at home where I do have to answer to other people with what I want to do. Also hubby is home after being away for a loooonnnggg time and we have to learn to live together again, with the addition of there being others to consider when scheduling our lives. I'm not the best at transitioning from little things either. I tend to get all moody when I have to change up what I'm doing. You might have a point that some of this might be due to a lot of change in the last week.

You would think that if it's good change then you wouldn't feel all unbalanced going through it. That's only supposed to happen with bad change.

I'm going to go hang out with hubby's OSO's boyfriend and the kids tonight. I'm glad that we're friends and that it's not just because our OSOs happen to be dating each other. I want to touch base with him and see how things are going for him. He's having to adjust, too. There is such a ripple effect in the world of poly!
 
Oh good, I'm glad. He's a nice guy. Not very open, but a good heart. I hope he opens up a bit, or at least allows you to be. I know that's near impossible with the kids.

I know the kids need to adjust, too. They haven't known their father for a year.

I can imagine that you would have to be careful about not disappearing just because hubby is home. They don't necessarily understand the change, either. Still, getting into the habit of him being around would be good, too. On top of that, he would have to get back into realizing that his spare time is not his. It belongs to all of you first, then girlfriend. The time they had together alone is over, and I would think it would be an adjustment to realize that they likely won't have that back.
 
Derbylicious said:
*I* don't get the whole military thing, either. As far as I'm concerned, it sucks! The ship is really the other woman, the one that says jump and he does without questioning, and that I have no say in anything to do with it when it comes to what I need. I like to complain about it a lot.
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What, they didn't hand you the military-wife manual when you got married?

RULES
1. The military owns your husband. You are not allowed to steal, damage, distract, delay said property.

2. You must be able to handle all the finances, kids, medical issues, benefit issues without husband's help.

3. The appliances, plumbing, and car will work fine as long as husband is home, but as soon as he leaves (especially for an extended time), something will explode in a major fashion.

However, it's not just military. (They are just gone longer). My mom said at least when my dad was in the military she knew where he was (and what project he was working on) and had a way to reach him if necessary. Once he was a civilian, the security was much stricter, he would go to what we affectionately called "Never Never Land." It was always some "SUPER TOP SECRET" testing facility.
 
My husband says you're "not helping." :D

The thing is, I didn't marry a miliary man. I married a computer programmer who had his mid-life crisis really really early. :) (I'm in the puppy house again, most likely. hehehe)
 
There is a common saying in the Navy: "We didn't issue you a wife."

The military really does own you in a lot of ways. The people who sign up think they know that, but it takes a little while to figure it out. For an ISTJ it's not hard to accept. I signed on, I knew the score. But the people in my life didn't sign on. It's not a secondary job to anything. You go where you are told when you are told. Everyone does it for different reasons, some for service to their country, others for adventure, others, like me, for a pension. Luckily I can retire if they try to get me to go away. I've done my 20 years, so everything else is gravy, as they say. It wouldn't work for me and Redpepper.

Sorry to hear things are difficult for you, Derby. I'm similar to your husband's SO; I have almost unlimited availability. Things will settle down, and you can always call on your bald-headed metamour for support. :)
 
Derbylicious said:
My husband says you're "not helping" :D

The thing is, I didn't marry a miliary man, I married a computer programmer who had his mid-life crisis really really early :) (I'm in the puppy house again, most likely. hehehe)
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At least he is not getting shot at. My brother-in-law went from a cushy office job to being a police officer at age 35. Some of the stories he tells makes me glad I'm not his wife or mother.
 
Derbylicious said:
It's the quality of that time, and not the quantity that is important. It's good that I know this in my head, and now I just have to sit with it and process it.

Things would be so much easier if we just all spoke the same language!
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Agree! Yet another communication barrier thing- that love language! Hugs to you, sistah!
 
MonoVCPHG said:
The military really does own you in a lot of ways. It wouldn't work for me and Redpepper.
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Nope, it wouldn't. I simply would not go there. I am unable to do LDRs, and unable to commit to what we have negotiated if your were ever away for any length of time, and/or over and over again. I'm sorry, I love you, but I would not do it. What can I say? I know my limit.
 
redpepper said:
Nope, it wouldn't. I simply would not go there. I am unable to do LDRs and unable to commit to what we have negotiated if your were ever away for any length of time, and/or over and over again. I'm sorry, I love you, but I would not do it. What can I say? I know my limit.
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I wouldn't be ok with it either, love. I would become a paranoid untrusting freak. LOL It would honestly be healthier to reshape before something like that. No intention of going anywhere, Love. Mono/poly is not LDR-friendly, in my opinion.

Sorry for the hijack, Derby.
 
I feel for you, Derby. I grew up in a military house. My parents met in the Army. I swore after seeing their time apart (which they handled famously; they were meant for military life) that I woud never marry a military man.

Consider this, because he chose this later in your time together, that makes you even stronger and more amazing for being there when he comes home.

Ahhh, if only we all spoke the same love language!! I so agree.

The flexibility of time was such an issue for me while working. We don't have kids to juggle in there too. I can only imagine!! But I had work and school and friend and family obligations, and still had to find time with Karma. He and Cricket could pretty much do whatever, whenever. It's hard.

Hopefully the calandar works for you guys and everyone gets a chance to get their feet back under them and let everything fall into place.

I get the unicorn thing too. That's what I've always wanted. What I hoped Cricket would be, what I hoped Panda would be. And yet it never happens.

I hope you can get your head and your heart on the same page,. When you do it, let me know how okay?
 
I don't know military, but I do know LDR. Just want you to know that you're MUCH appreciated and loved by your friends and community as well as your sweeties. You're one cool chick to have as a friend. :)
 
Mohegan said:
I hope you can get your head and your heart on the same page. When you do it, let me know how, okay?
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I shall write a book and make my millions! :D

Things are much better today, other than being crazy busy at work, but it makes the day go faster. Tonight I get to get my skate on, which always helps. I think what it came down to was a fear of being left behind while everyone around me was making exciting plans. Maybe I should jump up and down wearing something sparkle-y so that I know I'm being noticed. And just because I don't know I'm being noticed doesn't mean it's not happening. LOL. I was called an attention whore once. It's pretty accurate :D

Don't worry about hijacking. I don't mind. It makes my thread look popular!
 
No nekkid pics of me on the internet. There are very few in existence of me nude. Well, anytime after the age of 4, anyway. Before that, my poor parents couldn't keep clothes on me.
 
I had a case of miscommunication last night. My hubby seemed to be very eager to get me out of the house this weekend to go to the derby game in the states to be the bench manager. I read into it to mean that he wanted me out of the way so that he could have the house to himself to invite his girlfriend over. As it turns out, he wanted me to go so that I could do something as part of the team.

I've chosen not to go, partly because it's a really stressful job, and partly because I'm working on Saturday now. Things are much easier when you use your words. I tell my kids that all the time. I should take my own advice; it helps to prevent misunderstandings. I was feeling like I was being pushed out of my house, which isn't ok with me. I seem to have a bit of an over active imagination, and I fill in the gaps to tell me a story rather than just asking what the story is.

Beyond working on Saturday, I have no plans for the weekend and I'm ok with that. If anything comes up, I'm happy to participate, but I'm also happy to stay home and sleep in my bed. We're going away the weekend after next, and I always miss my bed when I'm sleeping elsewhere, so I didn't much feel like doing it 2 weekends in a row!
 
RP wasn't feeling well yesterday. When she told me about it in the afternoon, it was right away a flashback to my previous relationship, where my gf at the time would tell me she was sick almost every time we had a date planned, and then cancel on me. I was so scared to ask RP if she still wanted me to come over, because I was thinking that the answer would be no. Fortunately, that wasn't the case. We had a quiet evening in, watching movies cuddled on the couch, after a fabulous dinner prepared by PN.

I like to be given the opportunity to take care of those I care about. I like to feel useful. Also, if it happens often enough that you get cancelled on, you start to think that maybe it's just an avoidance thing and that the other person really isn't that interested in spending time with you. My husband is still having to deal with things that I have "learnt" from previous relationships. It's amazing how our internal scripts can sometimes make us react emotionally in completely irrational ways. At least I'm aware (for the most part) about what these scripts are, and I can voice that the way I'm feeling is irrational.

On another note, I feel really honoured that Mono showed me around his suite last night. It looks really good and it really has taken on his personality. It still smells new, like paint. There is a real difference between the space in the suite that is Mono's and the space that is RP's. The colours on the walls bring it all together. It's a nice calm space. I understand why Mono is protective of his space,. If the wrong energy comes in, it could ruin the calm that is in there.

It's family fun day today. I'm taking the kids out to get pumpkins, and get lunch. Then we'll come back and carve them. I'm glad that they are easily amused. Tonight I'm off to a party.
 
Derbylicious said:
I understand why Mono is protective of his space. If the wrong energy comes in, it could ruin the calm that is in there.
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Thanks, Derby. Perhaps this is why you are an exception to my normally reclusive rules. Glad you had a good night. :D
 
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