Walking a new path...

Hugs, MBG. Remember you just need to breathe each minute. Reach out to someone else for comfort. I can't always get what I need from BF and hubs.

I am going through lots of change with hubs right now, as well. It is hard, and I know we will come out the other side.
 
I know how it feels to feel like you're drowning, and the person who you usually reach for is the cause of that feeling. At the moment, it's just one day at a time. You are strong and you will get through this!
 
Sometimes I feel that if I posted as much as was going on I'd spend more time on the computer than in real life.

I did something odd last night. I plugged in my cell phone, and turned off the computer.

Laid on the couch, put my feet up on his lap, and read a book while he chatted with Pengrah on the phone (for a bit) and we watched TV.

It has been an extremely up and down week or so. I posted a bit of it in another thread.

Monday last week was good and bad. There were some frustrating issues between Wellington and me and his "getting lost" in the moment. Also, on paydates there's lots to do. And when paydates coincide with a visit between him and Pengrah, well, the errands HAVE to be run, but it's not really a fun visit for them.

Monday got sorted. Tuesday night there were some issues. And then we hit Wednesday. Wednesday was hellish for everyone, all round. Finally got that sorted. And then Thursday. Thursday was a mostly good day, until Thursday evening. Got that sorted.

Then Friday. Friday morning had some issues. Friday was a phenomenal day.

Saturday not so much. Saturday I was ready to walk out of my marriage because I couldn't handle what was happening. Stupid thing is it had/has nothing to do with poly. The issues were between Wellington and me, and the fights that happened were unrelated to Pengrah.

But between the Wednesday fight and then all the little fights, Saturday was a breaking point.

I can't be the villain anymore. I can't be in the wrong anymore. It HAS to be okay for me to not be okay, without it turning into a huge fucking mess. And it hasn't been. I have felt like if I was not okay with something, no matter HOW I presented it, I was going to be the villain. I was going to be the bad guy. And I can't always be that. I am working SO hard on my comfort zones. I am working with everything I have to push myself past the comfortable routines and boundaries, that when I've pushed myself too far and need to step back, it seems to be unacceptable.

I think he gets it now. I think he understands what I'm doing and why and how hard I'm trying. The learning curve has been incredibly steep and painful.

A few lessons learned:
1. He is not a good translator. If information needs to flow between Pengrah & me, we need to do it without the translations. What takes me 3 hours to explain to him so that he understands, she understands with one sentence.

2. He will, in an effort to not hurt either of us, hurt both of us. Plans were for her to come down to our house to visit today. They need connect time and alone time. We have sick kids. I told him, "You need to CALL her and let her know, so that she's not surprised. She needs to be able to make an informed decision." He was afraid of hurting/disappointing her. But in the end it worked out. Had he not told her in an effort not to hurt/disappoint her, I think she would have been more hurt. I would have been.

3. It's okay for me to not be okay, but I need to express that in a more constructive way. I can be fairly caustic. I'm working on that.

4. When I am okay with our relationship, I am okay with their relationship. It all stems from security. The less secure I feel with him, the more uncomfortable I am with them.

5. He has noticed a direct correlation between my "Ok-ness" and conversations with Pengrah. I come home from a conversation with her and I'm good. I'm okay. I'm happy. I'm relaxed.

We're good, today. I'm good. I'm not leaving him. I'm not ending my marriage. But I am wary because of things that were said and how very badly I was hurt over the weekend. I am still working on being okay. And after I have that, then I'll look for compersion. :D
 
Your past few posts remind me soooo much how I've been feeling the past few weeks in my own situation. If you would like to bend a third party ear that understands, feel free to message me. ((hugs))
 
marksbabygirl said:
3. Its ok for me to not be ok - but I need to express that in a more constructive way. I can and have been fairly caustic and I'm working on that.

4. When I am ok with our relationship - I am ok with their relationship. It all stems from security. The less secure I feel with him - the more uncomfortable I am with them.

5. He has noticed a direct corolation between my "Ok-ness" and conversations with Pengrah. I come home from a conversation with her - and I'm good. I'm ok. I'm happy. I'm relaxed.

We're good, today. I'm good. I'm not leaving him - I'm not ending my marriage - but I am wary because of things that were said and how very badly I was hurt over the weekend. I am still working on being ok. And after I have that - then I'll look for compersion. :D
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MBG, this sounds allllll tooooo familiar! The thing is for me that I tried! I tried really hard. I sucked it up, lost weight, vomited in the morning, went to counseling sessions, spent $$$$... and I think that I am finally at the point where I have to say, "I just cannot do it."

It pains me so much to accept this. But if I don't accept it, the consequences will be too far reaching to pull back in.

I hope that you are able to find some peace.

Take care,
P2
 
In different context, it sounds like what my last few months have been.

things here are on an upswing, I hope they are for you as well.
 
I hate the word *should.*

I *should* be at this place.
I *should* be at that place.
I *should* be at this or that level of ok-ness.

Until he told me what he meant by it, I just kept thinking that I'm NOT at this place, or that place, or this or that level of ok-ness, and if I'm NOT, then I must not be good enough. If I'm not, I must be the one in the wrong. I must be the bad guy.

But then I told him what I felt when I heard it. He told me what he meant when he said it, and he's agreed to stop using it, because no matter what else he might say, I will forever hear, "If you're NOT there when I think you SHOULD be, then you're not good enough."

And if I'm not good enough, then someone else must be better for him.

And if someone else is better for him... well, you can see the line of thought.

Much simpler to just stop using the word "should" in reference to my feelings. I *should* myself enough for the both of us.

On another learning curve, I had 2 very awesome ladies tell me something similar. If I need something from him, I need to TELL him that, not assume that he'll get it right the first time.

"Honey, I need to vent, I need to talk, uninterrupted, and I need you to listen. After I'm done, I need you to hug me and hold me and reassure me that we'll be okay."

And if necessary, I'll do that at the start of every conversation. Because when I said that to him, he lit up, and everything that followed was awesome. He knew exactly what I needed and I got exactly what I needed, so we stayed on the same level-- no miscommunications.

I'm learning.
 
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I am discovering that a lot of my anxiety and panics have less to do with poly and more to do with my brain chemistry. Poly gives me a focus, but I think that if I didn't have that to focus on, I'd *find* something else to panic about. There are still issues to resolve, but the panic and twisty-ness will lessen, I think, as I do the things I'm supposed to to manage my anxiety.
 
If you break a bone, when it heals, the part that had been broken is stronger. I am clinging to that as hope. There are several things that have broken in my marriage in recent weeks.

Recently I found out that not only did they do something I specifically asked them not to (and he told me they wouldn't), but it was kept from me by omission until there was an inadvertent slip of the tongue.

I need successes. I feel like I walk forward, push past my comfort zone and am slapped in the face. Sometimes it's a small slap, sometimes it's a cast iron frying pan to the side of the head. I need to be able to walk out of my comfort zone and have nothing happen. It's good. What was said is true, and what was promised remains. I need a series of those successes. Right now, I'm afraid of walking forward, because the fallout, the slaps have been so hard to handle. I don't want to hurt this much anymore.

I want it to be good, because when its good, it's REALLY good.

But the bad is horrific.

So I'm holding on to the hope that when we heal (not if, because I have to believe that we will heal), we will be stronger.
 
MBG, this is all a big learning process with no rule book on how things are supposed to go. It does get better and things do get easier. Things are always going to come up, but you find a way to move through it quicker and to identify exactly why you feel the way you do.

And unfortunately, your husband and metamour are human and they make mistakes. Sometimes these mistakes are really really painful. From what I know of both of them, they aren't doing things maliciously to hurt you. If you can't trust in anything else right now, try to trust in your husband's intentions.

I'm sorry this is so crappy for you.

You'll be here in not too long. Fancy going out on the town? I'll have to ask my hubby if he minds keeping the kids for the evening, but I think we should go out and have some fun. You sound like you're in much need of fun!
 
Derbylicious said:
MBG this is all a big learning process with no rule book on how things are supposed to go. It does get better and things do get easier. Things are always going to come up but you find a way to move through it quicker and to identify exactly why you feel the way you do.

And unfortunately your husband and metamour are human and they make mistakes. Sometimes these mistakes are really really painful. From what I know of both of them, they aren't doing things maliciously to hurt you. If you can't trust in anything else right now try to trust in your husband's intentions.

I'm sorry this is so crappy for you. You'll be here in not too long. Fancy going out on the town? I'll have to ask my hubby if he minds keeping the kids for the evening but I think we should go out and have some fun. You sound like you're in much need of fun!
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Oh, oh, oh, when?! I must write it on the calendar so I can make sure I'm free! Are we going out ladies?! :D I'm surrounded by boys and need girl time!
 
Derbylicious said:
MBG this is all a big learning process with no rule book on how things are supposed to go. It does get better and things do get easier. Things are always going to come up but you find a way to move through it quicker and to identify exactly why you feel the way you do.
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It is getting quicker and easier, but at the same time, more painful. We had an amazingly painful, horrible, understanding, healing conversation last night in the space of about 30 minutes while my friends were downstairs. (It was craft night. They were busy chatting and crafting.)

Derbylicious said:
Your husband and metamour are human and they make mistakes. Sometimes these mistakes are really really painful. From what I know of both of them, they aren't doing things maliciously to hurt you. If you can't trust in anything else right now, try to trust in your husband's intentions.
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This is what is keeps me going. I know that they don't have malicious intentions. I know that they care for me. I know that the learning curve is so very steep for all of us, especially with all of us being new. I am grateful that he CAN get to that point of understanding. I wish it didn't have to be so painful to get there.

Derbylicious said:
Fancy going out on the town? You sound like you're in much need of fun!
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HELL YEAH!!

I need to get out, let loose and not have to worry about things. Going out on the town and having fun sounds great. :D
 
redpepper said:
Oh, oh, oh, when?! I must write it on the calendar so I can make sure I'm free!
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I will be in Victoria for the school field trip on October 28 & 29. I'm planning on ditching the rest of the class, taking my boy(s), and hanging out the night of the 29th, and going home on the 30th. :)
 
Want to babysit for us the evening of the 28th? I have a ball to go to that night and no sitter yet. I will make it up to you with fun times on the 29th.
 
Derbylicious said:
Want to babysit for us the evening of the 28th? I have a ball to go to that night and no sitter yet. I will make it up to you with fun times on the 29th.
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One of the women from our group just posted a Halloween party on the 30th. Looks like we are going. But I put you both down for the 29th. I called in a "girls' night (wince) only" because Mono said it's PG... poly girls. :mad: He's driving me crazy.
 
I wonder how my life got so busy. For the last few weeks my schedule's been full:

- Tuesdays have had *something* (ladies night, karaoke)
- Wednesdays is craft night with my friends (at my house)
- Thursdays is my course in the early evening.
- Weekends have been busy - this weekend, aside from being Thanksgiving, I'm working on Saturday - doing a car seat clinic.
- Next Saturday, doing another car seat clinic.
- I know something's going on on the 23rd - but I can't remember what.
- The following weekend I'll be in Victoria (after the kid's field trip)

Crap, gotta find out if I'll be missing anything important for my course on the Thursday night.

But when did my life get so busy?
 
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