Although I have had threesomes with friends of mine and their partners, I’ve never actually had a polyamorous relationship (they’ve always been strictly monogamous), so it’s been a little bit difficult for me to navigate a situation I am in, but most of the resources I can find are advice for monogamous dating or extremely generic advice about polyamory that doesn’t really help. Because of that, I was hoping that if I could explain my situation, people with more experience in polyamorous relationships would be able to help me figure out what I should do.
To give some background information, a little bit over a month ago, a guy reached out to me on Grindr (all 3 of us are gay men), and we hit it off really well. Our conversation wasn’t sexual at all (which is rare for that app), and there was an immediate connection. He mentioned he had a partner, and even though I found him attractive, our discussions were completely platonic about our hobbies, pets, etc. The following day, his partner also messaged me on Grindr by total coincidence, and he and I hit it off even better than I did with his partner. As we got to talking, though, we quickly realized that I was actually talking to two halves of a couple (for simplicity’s sake, I’ll refer to them as P1 and P2, with P1 being the person who messaged me first).
I texted both of them individually for about a week, and then we decided it was time for all 3 of us to hang out. It went extremely well, and we just had dinner at their house and played board games. We continued talking daily, and the following weekend I hung out with P2 alone since P1 was visiting family out of state. We ended up drinking, ordering a pizza, and playing video games for most of the evening, but when it was really late and I was about to head home, he asked me if I wanted to have sex. So, we ended up doing that and both really enjoyed ourselves.
Another week went by, and I asked P1 if he would want to grab dinner after work, so I met him and P2 at a Mexican place nearby that he suggested. Originally, I was planning on it being my treat since I was the one who asked them out, and they had already had me to their house for dinner the first time, and then P2 ordered pizza the second time, but when it got time to pay, P1 wanted to cover it, so I ended up giving in and letting him.
Finally, P2 and I ended up going to Dave & Busters just the two of this past weekend since P1 has been working 12-hour shifts at work every day for the past week. I finally got to pay for something since I bought the tokens, but then P2 insisted I let him get us some food. After some arcade games and dinner, we went back to their house, where P1 got up from a nap to hang out and talk for a little bit, and then gave us both a hug goodnight before he went back to sleep. P2 and I then spent the rest of the evening talking about our families, up coming trips he and P1 are going on, and other things like that.
At the end of the night, when P2 was seeing me out, I gave him a peck on the lips, but he seemed surprised by it, and I felt like I made him uncomfortable. We talked a little bit more at the door, and since he and P1 are going out of state tomorrow for the weekend, followed by a wedding the weekend after, and then P2 going back out of state by himself for 3 weeks because his mom is having surgery, he said that he wanted us to try and hang out sometime next week in between their trips.
Over the course of this past month, every time we have hung out, both P1 and P2 have always seemed to show a very strong interest in me (P2 in particular). Every time we we meet up, the first thing they do is hug me, and the last thing they do when we part ways is hug me again and comment about when we should see each other again. However, P1 hasn’t been very responsive to texts this past week due to work, so it’s made it difficult to talk to him aside from when we talked a little bit in person, and I’ve mainly been talking to P2. I’m equally interested in both of them, but I worry about making P1 feel excluded, even though I do still try to include him, and I don’t want that to be something that causes problems.
The other thing that was really confusing for me was P2’s response to my kiss the other night, despite the fact that we’ve had sex and kissed a lot while we did. I did get some clarification about why that was, but that clarification only created different questions for me.
Basically, I ended up texting P2 yesterday to apologize if I made him feel uncomfortable the other night since he has seemed somewhat distant since then. He told me it was okay, that he should actually be the one apologizing for giving me mixed signals, and that he really enjoyed that evening. I told him not to worry about it, but I did open up about liking him and P1, which was extremely obvious but hadn’t been put into words.
After I told him that, he never responded. I had plans to go to the movies with a friend, though, so I couldn’t try to talk anymore. When I got back home, I ended up getting on Grindr, and I noticed that he had blocked me while I was at the movies. We hadn’t really talked on Grindr since we exchanged our other contact info the first day we started talking, but I had both him and P2 marked as favorites, and since they live not even 2 miles away, they’re always the first on the list.
I ended up texting him as soon as I noticed that to ask if he still wanted to be friends, but since he was ignoring my message, I assumed that meant he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore, so I was just even more confused.
This morning, he finally responded and opened up about their situation. They had a partner for 4 years who lived with and was dating both of them until about 4-5 months ago, but P1 and their partner started having a lot of conflict, and their partner broke up with them. P1 is over the breakup, and he wanted to get out there and have fun with other guys, and P2 is still not completely over their ex.
P2 was up front and told me that he and P1 are both really attracted to me and really enjoy spending time with me, but that they’re not wanting to jump into a relationship. I let him know that I completely understood that, and that I wouldn’t have wanted us to jump straight into a relationship anyway. I then suggested that we continue to be friends as we were, and told him that I wanted us to keep getting to know each other as we had been. He said he wanted the same thing, that he saw where I was coming from, and that he also feels a strong friendship is a “great place to launch a relationship from.”
He went on to explain that blocking me on Grindr was because he got “anxious and already had [my] contact info.” I’m not really sure what he meant, but it wasn’t something I wanted to probe into since at the end of the day, it isn’t the end of the world that we’re not able to contact each other there. I do think that it might have been because he had been on Grindr pretty much non stop for the few days after our last hangout, and he worried I would see that he was on there but ignoring texts from me. I don’t expect someone—especially one I have only known for a month—to always text back instantly, though.
After explaining that, he apologized about how he responded, and we’re still planning on spending time together when they get back next week, so it seems like that all got sorted out.
The problem for me, though, is that I’m not sure how to proceed. From our conversations, it sounds like P1 was wanting to meet new people to hook up with, and P2 is still hung up on their ex. Although, P1 and I have not even kissed (only hugged) despite him being attracted to me, and even though when I sent him some dirty pics after P2 and I had sex (since I wanted to make it clear that I’m interested in him too), he said he really liked them but didn’t want me to think that what he wanted was a “hook up.”
They’re both on different pages about what they want, so even though I would like for things to develop in an even more romantic/intimate direction, I completely understand that a relationship is probably not ideal at this stage, and it feels like a situation of meeting the right person/people at the wrong time. So, I worry that them wanting different things right now and just deciding friendship is all they want because it’s easier will make it so that we all feel like we can’t explore or express what we’re feeling. At the same time, I want to get to know them both individually and together, but I’m not really sure how to do that. With P2, it’s been spend time with him alone because of P1’s work, but I don’t want to make P2 feel like I’m trying to exclude him if I say I only want to hang out with P1 sometime. I’m also kind of scared to initiate anything intimate, because even though P2 said he agreed that we should continue as we were, there’s that worry that it could have the same result. I feel like it’s even harder when we’re all 3 together. Like, I’ve seen P1 and P2 kiss (just a quick peck on the lips here and there), but I’m really nervous to try something like that with both of them together because even though it’s just a kiss, the fact that it’s such an affectionate thing makes it feel very different than having impersonal sex with friends in a threesome (I don’t know if that makes sense).
Would anyone have any advice or has anyone experienced anything similar?
To give some background information, a little bit over a month ago, a guy reached out to me on Grindr (all 3 of us are gay men), and we hit it off really well. Our conversation wasn’t sexual at all (which is rare for that app), and there was an immediate connection. He mentioned he had a partner, and even though I found him attractive, our discussions were completely platonic about our hobbies, pets, etc. The following day, his partner also messaged me on Grindr by total coincidence, and he and I hit it off even better than I did with his partner. As we got to talking, though, we quickly realized that I was actually talking to two halves of a couple (for simplicity’s sake, I’ll refer to them as P1 and P2, with P1 being the person who messaged me first).
I texted both of them individually for about a week, and then we decided it was time for all 3 of us to hang out. It went extremely well, and we just had dinner at their house and played board games. We continued talking daily, and the following weekend I hung out with P2 alone since P1 was visiting family out of state. We ended up drinking, ordering a pizza, and playing video games for most of the evening, but when it was really late and I was about to head home, he asked me if I wanted to have sex. So, we ended up doing that and both really enjoyed ourselves.
Another week went by, and I asked P1 if he would want to grab dinner after work, so I met him and P2 at a Mexican place nearby that he suggested. Originally, I was planning on it being my treat since I was the one who asked them out, and they had already had me to their house for dinner the first time, and then P2 ordered pizza the second time, but when it got time to pay, P1 wanted to cover it, so I ended up giving in and letting him.
Finally, P2 and I ended up going to Dave & Busters just the two of this past weekend since P1 has been working 12-hour shifts at work every day for the past week. I finally got to pay for something since I bought the tokens, but then P2 insisted I let him get us some food. After some arcade games and dinner, we went back to their house, where P1 got up from a nap to hang out and talk for a little bit, and then gave us both a hug goodnight before he went back to sleep. P2 and I then spent the rest of the evening talking about our families, up coming trips he and P1 are going on, and other things like that.
At the end of the night, when P2 was seeing me out, I gave him a peck on the lips, but he seemed surprised by it, and I felt like I made him uncomfortable. We talked a little bit more at the door, and since he and P1 are going out of state tomorrow for the weekend, followed by a wedding the weekend after, and then P2 going back out of state by himself for 3 weeks because his mom is having surgery, he said that he wanted us to try and hang out sometime next week in between their trips.
Over the course of this past month, every time we have hung out, both P1 and P2 have always seemed to show a very strong interest in me (P2 in particular). Every time we we meet up, the first thing they do is hug me, and the last thing they do when we part ways is hug me again and comment about when we should see each other again. However, P1 hasn’t been very responsive to texts this past week due to work, so it’s made it difficult to talk to him aside from when we talked a little bit in person, and I’ve mainly been talking to P2. I’m equally interested in both of them, but I worry about making P1 feel excluded, even though I do still try to include him, and I don’t want that to be something that causes problems.
The other thing that was really confusing for me was P2’s response to my kiss the other night, despite the fact that we’ve had sex and kissed a lot while we did. I did get some clarification about why that was, but that clarification only created different questions for me.
Basically, I ended up texting P2 yesterday to apologize if I made him feel uncomfortable the other night since he has seemed somewhat distant since then. He told me it was okay, that he should actually be the one apologizing for giving me mixed signals, and that he really enjoyed that evening. I told him not to worry about it, but I did open up about liking him and P1, which was extremely obvious but hadn’t been put into words.
After I told him that, he never responded. I had plans to go to the movies with a friend, though, so I couldn’t try to talk anymore. When I got back home, I ended up getting on Grindr, and I noticed that he had blocked me while I was at the movies. We hadn’t really talked on Grindr since we exchanged our other contact info the first day we started talking, but I had both him and P2 marked as favorites, and since they live not even 2 miles away, they’re always the first on the list.
I ended up texting him as soon as I noticed that to ask if he still wanted to be friends, but since he was ignoring my message, I assumed that meant he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore, so I was just even more confused.
This morning, he finally responded and opened up about their situation. They had a partner for 4 years who lived with and was dating both of them until about 4-5 months ago, but P1 and their partner started having a lot of conflict, and their partner broke up with them. P1 is over the breakup, and he wanted to get out there and have fun with other guys, and P2 is still not completely over their ex.
P2 was up front and told me that he and P1 are both really attracted to me and really enjoy spending time with me, but that they’re not wanting to jump into a relationship. I let him know that I completely understood that, and that I wouldn’t have wanted us to jump straight into a relationship anyway. I then suggested that we continue to be friends as we were, and told him that I wanted us to keep getting to know each other as we had been. He said he wanted the same thing, that he saw where I was coming from, and that he also feels a strong friendship is a “great place to launch a relationship from.”
He went on to explain that blocking me on Grindr was because he got “anxious and already had [my] contact info.” I’m not really sure what he meant, but it wasn’t something I wanted to probe into since at the end of the day, it isn’t the end of the world that we’re not able to contact each other there. I do think that it might have been because he had been on Grindr pretty much non stop for the few days after our last hangout, and he worried I would see that he was on there but ignoring texts from me. I don’t expect someone—especially one I have only known for a month—to always text back instantly, though.
After explaining that, he apologized about how he responded, and we’re still planning on spending time together when they get back next week, so it seems like that all got sorted out.
The problem for me, though, is that I’m not sure how to proceed. From our conversations, it sounds like P1 was wanting to meet new people to hook up with, and P2 is still hung up on their ex. Although, P1 and I have not even kissed (only hugged) despite him being attracted to me, and even though when I sent him some dirty pics after P2 and I had sex (since I wanted to make it clear that I’m interested in him too), he said he really liked them but didn’t want me to think that what he wanted was a “hook up.”
They’re both on different pages about what they want, so even though I would like for things to develop in an even more romantic/intimate direction, I completely understand that a relationship is probably not ideal at this stage, and it feels like a situation of meeting the right person/people at the wrong time. So, I worry that them wanting different things right now and just deciding friendship is all they want because it’s easier will make it so that we all feel like we can’t explore or express what we’re feeling. At the same time, I want to get to know them both individually and together, but I’m not really sure how to do that. With P2, it’s been spend time with him alone because of P1’s work, but I don’t want to make P2 feel like I’m trying to exclude him if I say I only want to hang out with P1 sometime. I’m also kind of scared to initiate anything intimate, because even though P2 said he agreed that we should continue as we were, there’s that worry that it could have the same result. I feel like it’s even harder when we’re all 3 together. Like, I’ve seen P1 and P2 kiss (just a quick peck on the lips here and there), but I’m really nervous to try something like that with both of them together because even though it’s just a kiss, the fact that it’s such an affectionate thing makes it feel very different than having impersonal sex with friends in a threesome (I don’t know if that makes sense).
Would anyone have any advice or has anyone experienced anything similar?
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