New, like most of the posts here lol

[Foreverlearning]

Hi there, I have a lot of questions and a pretty detailed story of how I got to be here so I'd like to save everyone the reading and just give you the sparknotes.

Me (M) and my partner (F) are currently looking to explore the field of polyamory and after trying it out in different ways we've sort of hit a trouble spot. We both come from families where communication was extremely unhealthy and we have a lot of emotional trauma that gets in the way of us communicating perfectly, and that has led to some pretty low moments. BUT because of our pasts we share the belief that communication is something that we both hold very important in our current relationship. This relationship has not been all bad and hairpulling. There is a lot of trust here. We swapped v cards in high school, split up for college and somehow found our way back to each other, we're both adventurous and loyal. We respect boundaries and we love each other a LOT. So, before I go forward I just felt it was important to express to anyone who might be reading and myself that by no means is this a relationship of mistrust and deceit as much as the insecure thoughts in my brain try and convince me it is.

So we've decided to step back into this world but before we do we need to figure out a way to communicate with each other. Are there any good exercises that have helped you all in the past? One problem we run into is the question: well what do you want out of a polyamorous relationship? A: I dont know but I want to explore and experience new things, i can't say exactly what it is I want because I havent experienced them and thats what is interesting to me not knowing.

What are some good questions we can ask each other in order to lay a good foundation for this relationship?

Any advice for dealing with codependency and insecurities?

Can someone go more in depth with the term compersion? I know the textbook definition and the difference between cuckolding but from someone who has experienced true compersion how has your journey with it been? Have you always had it? Have you had a little bit of it and grew into it? I'd love to know your thoughts.

Thanks for reading I definitely didnt keep this short. Look forward to your responses!

 

[Evie]

Hi and welcome!

I've heard the resource, "non-violent communication" is good (an easy Google because when I search it I get a local bookseller's URL that won't be of use to you).

And I'm glad you love each other a lot, that's better than the relationship-broken-add-people approach. I hope you also still have friends and hobbies separate to each other and opening up isn't the first time you're trying to do something separately. I hope you are trying to do this separately and not trying to find, "your third" because that's a prescription for a very long, slow, often faulty process. Although there are tips if you're determined.

As for compersion, for me I was just as happy to see my husband getting a new girlfriend (a while ago now) as I was when my bff did (even longer ago). It didn't make me more in love with him, or more horny for him, (or less of either) but I was just pleased he was getting to know a new person. They broke up and he hasn't had another serious gf so I haven't had the chance to feel it again. I'm also "last on" in my partner's polycule, so I haven't had the chance to experience him meeting someone else. That might be harder to feel compersion since it's a long distance relationship that's been thwarted by the pandemic, so I doubt I'd be precisely jumping for joy.

As for questions to ask each other, are there any things that you don't want shared with someone else? I got a little surprised at how pissed off I got when Hubby served his GF coffee out of my coffee mug, even though I don't drink coffee and rarely use it. But it was given to me by a friend so I saw it as mine.

We shared some cleanable sex toys, though, so you never know quite what will be a wee trigger for a grump.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi there, I have a lot of questions and a pretty detailed story of how I got to be here so I'd like to save everyone the reading and just give you the sparknotes.

Welcome to the board!

My partner (F) and I (M) are currently looking to explore the field of polyamory and after trying it out in different ways we've sort of hit a trouble spot.

If you're going to be here a while, it helps with readability if you use nicknames, rather than "my partner(s)," "my wife," etc. Right now I'll use names that start with M and F, Matt and Fiona. You can use others if you want, of course.

We both come from families where communication was extremely unhealthy. We have had a lot of emotional trauma that gets in the way of us communicating perfectly, and that has led to some pretty low moments. BUT because of our pasts we share the belief that communication is something that we both hold as very important in our current relationship.

That's a good start.

This relationship has not been all bad and hairpulling. There is a lot of trust here. We swapped v cards in high school, split up for college and somehow found our way back to each other. We're both adventurous and loyal. We respect boundaries and we love each other a LOT. So, before I went forward, I felt it was important to express to anyone who might be reading and myself that by no means is this a relationship of mistrust and deceit, as much as the insecure thoughts in my brain try and convince me it is.

We need to figure out a way to communicate with each other. Are there any good exercises that have helped you all in the past?

As Evie said, the Non-Violent Communication book is very helpful.

One problem we run into is the question: What do you want out of a polyamorous relationship?

A: I don't know, but I want to explore and experience new things. I can't say exactly what it is I want, because I haven't experienced them all, and that's what is interesting to me, not knowing.

What are some good questions we can ask each other in order to lay a good foundation for this relationship?

Discuss the type of relationships you want. Open? Polyfidelitous? Hierarchical? Parallel or kitchen table? (These terms are in our Glossary if you are unfamiliar with them.) Long distance, short distance, or both? How "out" will you be? What kind of time do you both have for others? What about money to be spent on dating others? (A separate bank account for each of you for playtime money is a great idea.) Are you looking for a secondary, or would you be open to finding co-primaries?

Know that your answers to these questions may and probably will differ from Fiona's. Polyamory can be complicated and is not for the faint of heart. It's required to be as honest as humanly possible, to lean into difficulties and solve them rather than being conflict-avoidant. Avoiding conflicts causes them to snowball and become worse than they need to be.

Any advice for dealing with codependency and insecurities?

That's a big one, and if need be, a poly-friendly therapist, individually and/or as a couple, can do a world of good. It's something everyone, poly or mono, would be well-served to look into and heal from.

Can someone go more in depth with the term compersion? I know the textbook definition and the difference between cuckolding but from someone who has experienced true compersion how has your journey with it been? Have you always had it? Have you had a little bit of it and grew into it? I'd love to know your thoughts.

I am not what you mean by saying that compersion is different from cuckolding. I guess you mean you don't need to be a cuckold to get pleasure from someone else's pleasure. Compersion is like compassion or vicarious pleasure. Say you have a 5 year old kid, and they are so excited and thrilled at their birthday party or on Christmas Day, and watching them makes you feel more enjoyment. That is similar to compersion. "I'm so happy for you!" kind of sums it up. We can feel thrilled if someone wins a prize, or graduates from college, or heals from a serious illness. Similarly, we can also feel thrilled if they have a really great date with another person, or hit a milestone in their other relationship, etc.

Some polyamorous people do feel compersion, while others do not. I feel more compersion for a partner if I trust them completely. If I feel like they are being sketchy with me and not completely honest, I can get hella bent out of shape, envious and jealous. I feel more compersion for a partner (in general) the longer I know them and have learned I can trust them. If a newer partner is dating in a wonky way, or hiding things, etc., I get an uneasy feeling and have trouble being happy for them. With my long-term trusted partner, I am thrilled for her every joy with her other partner, almost like I am experiencing it myself.

Thanks for reading. I definitely didn't keep this short. I look forward to your responses!

There are some good books about poly to read. Check out Opening Up (the most helpful) and More Than Two, for starters. Morethantwo.com also has lots of good basic tips for beginners.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Foreverlearning,

There is an article you should read, it is called, The Most Skipped Step When Opening a Relationship. Also, there are a couple of books you should read:

• "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino.
• "Nonviolent Communication: a language of life," by Marshall Rosenberg.

Re: compersion ... isn't something I've experienced to any great degree, indifference is a better description of what I've experienced. I'm encouraged when my partner and metamour are getting along well, but it's not that strong of an emotion for me.

Some of the above is a repeat of what others have said, but is important and bears repeating. After you do some reading, return to this thread and ask us any questions it has raised for you!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Marcus]

So we've decided to step back into this world but before we do we need to figure out a way to communicate with each other. Are there any good exercises that have helped you all in the past?

The traits of effective interpersonal communication are the same regardless of which relationship "type" it is. This is both fortunate because you don't actually need a different set of rules for each relationship and challenging because most of us learn that everything about a relationship changes when you are not "just friends".

• Investigate what is important to you about how you relate to people. Are their privacy concerns that you need respected? Are there space or freedom concerns that are important? Do you have dumb rules about how quickly and frequently someone needs to respond to your texts? Before you can be any good at communicating what is important to you, you need to know what is important to you.
  
  
• Be clear and concise about your boundaries, and take them seriously. Once you understand your priorities and values, you need to make sure that you are willing to stand up for that and don't let people shit on your boundaries. If you do not clearly and consistently take your boundaries seriously, it is difficult to trust you in knowing what you stand for and who you are.
  
  
• Become a grand master of receiving bad news. Every time someone tells us something we don't want to hear "I don't want to share X with you any longer", "I can't go to Y with you like I planned", and we freak out, break into hysterics, and worst of all bring that shit up later to torture someone about it, we erode trust. If I know that you can't handle bad news like an adult, I'm going to avoid communicating with you openly which is going to cause missteps and resentment. So learn to calm down and respond positively to bad news. Practice this response in the mirror and rehearse it until it feels normal: "Ok, thank you for sharing that with me, I'm sure that wasn't easy to say".

Can someone go more in depth with the term compersion? I know the textbook definition and the difference between cuckolding but from someone who has experienced true compersion how has your journey with it been? Have you always had it? Have you had a little bit of it and grew into it? I'd love to know your thoughts.

People get a little twisted up about this concept, like it's supposed to be some Jedi meditation exercise or something. Like we jump for joy and get struck with a magical beam of happiness whenever someone goes off and has fun without us.

The real world doesn't exist there and I think we need to be more grounded about our expectations. For me the best case scenario is when I am able to reframe my jealousy or envy into gratitude. Instead of thoughts like "great, so you get to go on a weekend getaway with some hot young thing and I get to stay home with the freaking cats and jerk off??", move them to "I'm so glad this person I love is getting to enjoy the world, and is having some beautiful experiences". It doesn't mean that I won't still have sour grapes about someone getting to have a good time without me, but I'm good so long as I have reframing in the forefront of my mind and I minimize my instinct to be a shithead about it. The more I do this the more natural it becomes, and the less space the sour grapes takes up in my world view.

Also, some people have a kind of fetish about getting off on their partners being with other people, and this shouldn't be confused with compersion. It's all good if you are one of the folks who enjoy this kind of pleasure, but it shouldn't be a fundamental expectation and there's not a thing wrong if you don't happen to be one of these people.

To me compersion isn't about having some kind of cosmic moment of pleasure when my partner goes out to get laid, it's about appreciating that they are individuals and that I love them enough to just be happy for them.

 

[Foreverlearning]

Hi and welcome!

I've heard the resource, "non-violent communication" is good (an easy Google because when I search it I get a local bookseller's URL that won't be of use to you).

And I'm glad you love each other a lot, that's better than the relationship-broken-add-people approach. I hope you also still have friends and hobbies separate to each other and opening up isn't the first time you're trying to do something separately. I hope you are trying to do this separately and not trying to find, "your third" because that's a prescription for a very long, slow, often faulty process. Although there are tips if you're determined.

As for compersion, for me I was just as happy to see my husband getting a new girlfriend (a while ago now) as I was when my bff did (even longer ago). It didn't make me more in love with him, or more horny for him, (or less of either) but I was just pleased he was getting to know a new person. They broke up and he hasn't had another serious gf so I haven't had the chance to feel it again. I'm also "last on" in my partner's polycule, so I haven't had the chance to experience him meeting someone else. That might be harder to feel compersion since it's a long distance relationship that's been thwarted by the pandemic, so I doubt I'd be precisely jumping for joy.

As for questions to ask each other, are there any things that you don't want shared with someone else? I got a little surprised at how pissed off I got when Hubby served his GF coffee out of my coffee mug, even though I don't drink coffee and rarely use it. But it was given to me by a friend so I saw it as mine.

We shared some cleanable sex toys, though, so you never know quite what will be a wee trigger for a grump.

Thank you very much for your reply.

The understanding of compression is still an interesting one for me. I think the more people that tell me their relationship with the term the better it is for me to understand what I agree with and disagree with.

Another question for ya!

How do you deal with details? Like the details of what your partner does with a metamour (am I using that right?) I remember when Fiona my partner and I were open in the beginning and she went on a trip in which she went to a sex club she told me she wanted to tell me about it because the experience was so new and exciting but when we really went into the nitty gritty details honestly it was a weird mixture of both intrigue and the worst kind of jealousy I've ever felt. I don't want our relationship to be a DADT but I have my insecurities as much as the next person and I find it hard to listen to what my partner enjoyed doing sexually with another person without letting it get to me. I only asked because I felt like I wanted to be there for her and that for some reason I SHOULD know what happened to be a better partner in the relationship but it definitely didn't feel the best.

What is your communication style like for you and your partner?

 

[Foreverlearning]

Welcome to the board!


If you're going to be here a while, it helps with readability if you use nicknames, rather than "my partner(s)," "my wife," etc. Right now I'll use names that start with M and F, Matt and Fiona. You can use others if you want, of course.

That's a good start.

As Evie said, the Non-Violent Communication book is very helpful.





Discuss the type of relationships you want. Open? Polyfidelitous? Hierarchical? Parallel or kitchen table? (These terms are in our Glossary if you are unfamiliar with them.) Long distance, short distance, or both? How "out" will you be? What kind of time do you both have for others? What about money to be spent on dating others? (A separate bank account for each of you for playtime money is a great idea.) Are you looking for a secondary, or would you be open to finding co-primaries?

Know that your answers to these questions may and probably will differ from Fiona's. Polyamory can be complicated and is not for the faint of heart. It's required to be as honest as humanly possible, to lean into difficulties and solve them rather than being conflict-avoidant. Avoiding conflicts causes them to snowball and become worse than they need to be.



That's a big one, and if need be, a poly-friendly therapist, individually and/or as a couple, can do a world of good. It's something everyone, poly or mono, would be well-served to look into and heal from.

I am not what you mean by saying that compersion is different from cuckolding. I guess you mean you don't need to be a cuckold to get pleasure from someone else's pleasure. Compersion is like compassion or vicarious pleasure. Say you have a 5 year old kid, and they are so excited and thrilled at their birthday party or on Christmas Day, and watching them makes you feel more enjoyment. That is similar to compersion. "I'm so happy for you!" kind of sums it up. We can feel thrilled if someone wins a prize, or graduates from college, or heals from a serious illness. Similarly, we can also feel thrilled if they have a really great date with another person, or hit a milestone in their other relationship, etc.

Some polyamorous people do feel compersion, while others do not. I feel more compersion for a partner if I trust them completely. If I feel like they are being sketchy with me and not completely honest, I can get hella bent out of shape, envious and jealous. I feel more compersion for a partner (in general) the longer I know them and have learned I can trust them. If a newer partner is dating in a wonky way, or hiding things, etc., I get an uneasy feeling and have trouble being happy for them. With my long-term trusted partner, I am thrilled for her every joy with her other partner, almost like I am experiencing it myself.

There are some good books about poly to read. Check out Opening Up (the most helpful) and More Than Two, for starters. Morethantwo.com also has lots of good basic tips for beginners.

Thank you for your reply

and thank you for the guidance as to labeling the people in my own life as to avoid confusion. I will now attach the name 'Fiona' to my partner.

I also apologize for my lackadaisical question pertaining to compersion.
Let me explain how I have grown to understand the two:

Cuckold: feeling sexual pleasure from your partner having sex with another
Compersion: feeling nonsexual joy or appreciation for your partner having a relationship apart from your own

I feel like the difference is the sex.

I know that growing up surrounded by conservative ideologies most of my life has given the term cuckold a VERY negative connotation and personally I'm not sexually aroused by the idea of my partner having sex with someone else. But I do think that if my partner and I met another couple that we got along with really well that I would be open to having a sexual experience with them.

Here's the thing I have my fantasies and so does Fiona. Part of her fantasies involve multiple male partners at the same time and I love her and want to give her that experience but the idea of her going off and doing that by herself really scares me and doesn't sit right with me, I mean I love having sex with Fiona lol. So I want to help her have those fantasies without being labeled a cuck. LMFAO

I am sure that fear is mostly attached to my own ignorance, but it's hard to be confident in who you are especially when you're young. It's like I ask myself the question in my mind: "do I get aroused at the idea of her with another person?" and my answer is a hard no. But then I ask myself the question: "Would I be open to the idea of an 'Eiffel tower' with my partner and another person?" and my answer is I mean yea I can see how that would be fun. I know that I don't want the other person to be someone that I already know. And I know that I would love to help Fiona experience that.

But I can't really talk about all that with someone in my social circles without immediately getting the surface-level reaction of "OH BRO SHE BELONGS TO THE STREETS, SHE'S A HOE, SHE'S PLAYING YOU." But this journey has really made me reflect on my own insecurities and the importance of not letting other people's opinions of me shape my image of myself. I guess that's what everyone sort of goes through when coming to terms with their issues with insecurity.

I think that both cuckolding and compersion are probably both on a spectrum of their own and I shouldn't be worried about being labeled one or the other by other people.

Once again thank you for taking the time to reply to another "New person here" post. you active members on this website are super helpful and I'm very grateful to you.

 

[Magdlyn]

That is a common mistake. Some couples are so used to sharing everything, that they end up oversharing the sex details of encounters with others. This can lead to the ugly feelings you experienced. Also, the other (new) partner deserves their privacy. They should always be asked what they would prefer or not prefer to be shared with another partner.

How much detail you can handle may vary. Maybe over time you'll be able to handle those "nitty gritty" details better, but obviously this time it was too much for you. We generally recommend you err on the side of "less is more," and say only, "I had sex. We used protection," and leave it at that. It would be best to share the excitement of NRE with someone less involved, who would be supportive, like a poly-friendly friend.

It's hard during NRE to not let our excitement bubble over, causing envy and upset, but that is an important skill that every poly person has to develop.

 

[Foreverlearning]

Hello Foreverlearning,

There is an article you should read, it is called, The Most Skipped Step When Opening a Relationship. Also, there are a couple of books you should read:

• "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino.
• "Nonviolent Communication: a language of life," by Marshall Rosenberg.

Re: compersion ... isn't something I've experienced to any great degree, indifference is a better description of what I've experienced. I'm encouraged when my partner and metamour are getting along well, but it's not that strong of an emotion for me.

Some of the above is a repeat of what others have said, but is important and bears repeating. After you do some reading, return to this thread and ask us any questions it has raised for you!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Thank you so much for that article I love Medium.

Thank you for your definition of compersion because the different perspectives are giving me insight into the spectrum of understandings.

If I may ask another question.
What are your communication guidelines and rules with your partner? I don't feel like I like knowing everything that goes on in a relationship with someone else as I have found it makes me profoundly jealous. Can you expound on the "indifference" that you've experienced?

Thanks again!

 

[Foreverlearning]

That is a common mistake. Some couples are so used to sharing everything, that they end up oversharing the sex details of encounters with others. This can lead to the ugly feelings you experienced. Also, the other (new) partner deserves their privacy. They should always be asked what they would prefer or not prefer to be shared with another partner.

I'm glad I'm not a bad partner because I can't handle the information that I asked for lol. I'm just extremely inexperienced with this type of relationship.

How much detail you can handle may vary. Maybe over time you'll be able to handle those "nitty gritty" details better, but obviously this time it was too much for you. We generally recommend you err on the side of "less is more," and say only, "I had sex. We used protection," and leave it at that. It would be best to share the excitement of NRE with someone less involved, who would be supportive, like a poly-friendly friend.

It's hard during NRE to not let our excitement bubble over, causing envy and upset, but that is an important skill that every poly person has to develop.

I remember that when we first opened up I had a partner let's say Greta and at the time I was like yeah! let's do this! open relationship! polyamory! woohoo! and then I found out Greta was actually not a very honest and nice person and it dwindled and when Fiona had her own 'experiences' I wanted to close the relationship again. I felt terrible about doing that but I couldn't help but feel that we weren't laying any foundation.

Is the best way to handle your partner being with another person to go out and find another person of your own?

 

[Evie]

Thank you very much for your reply.

The understanding of compression is still an interesting one for me. I think the more people that tell me their relationship with the term the better it is for me to understand what I agree with and disagree with.

Another question for ya!

How do you deal with details? Like the details of what your partner does with a metamour (am I using that right?) I remember when Fiona my partner and I were open in the beginning and she went on a trip in which she went to a sex club she told me she wanted to tell me about it because the experience was so new and exciting but when we really went into the nitty gritty details honestly it was a weird mixture of both intrigue and the worst kind of jealousy I've ever felt. I don't want our relationship to be a DADT but I have my insecurities as much as the next person and I find it hard to listen to what my partner enjoyed doing sexually with another person without letting it get to me. I only asked because I felt like I wanted to be there for her and that for some reason I SHOULD know what happened to be a better partner in the relationship but it definitely didn't feel the best.

What is your communication style like for you and your partner?

I'm not a fan of details. What either of my partners does with someone else just isn't my business. Sure, tell me you had fun, if you went out for a meal, I'm happy to know the restaurant, but I don't need to know everything each person ordered. Take that as a metaphor, too. If they really need to tell someone everything, make that someone *not me.*

Adam found opening back up after a time closed a lot easier once he also met someone, so yes, it can help. Also generally having a variety of other interests separate to the primary partner(s) can help.

Like, it's your job to care for yourself socially and mentally (and physically), not someone else's. Other people can help (PT, therapist, life coach, doctor, friend) but bottom line is it's your responsibility to be a hale and healthy human being.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Foreverlearning,

It really doesn't matter to me how much detail my partner goes into about sex she has with my metamour (her other partner). I don't take it personally, it is not hard for me to embrace the details as part of the poly ideal which I eagerly support.

I haven't had to take any particular steps to arrive at the "indifference" I feel. It has always been with me from the beginning. I have had some struggles with jealousy in the past, but that was when my own needs weren't getting met. Once I identified my needs and advocated for them, I felt much better.

The only communication guidelines and rules I have with my partner are, first of all to be 100% honest and not hide stuff, and secondly, to play nice. Don't raise voices, don't interrupt, don't level accusations and criticisms, stuff like that.

Hopefully this helps in your own endeavors.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

So we've decided to step back into this world but before we do we need to figure out a way to communicate with each other. Are there any good exercises that have helped you all in the past?

My fav of the non-violent communication books is this one.

You might use these worksheets to guide your talks.

One problem we run into is the question: well what do you want out of a polyamorous relationship? A: I dont know but I want to explore and experience new things, i can't say exactly what it is I want because I havent experienced them and thats what is interesting to me not knowing.

And if you don't know what you want? Do you know what you do NOT want? Like I def do not want any more children and neither does DH. And DH is pretty firm about not living with any more people.

Some couples take a year or more to sort things out. I encourage you to do some reading. In addition to links suggested by others above maybe try

Practical Polyamory

Information on relationship skills, education and activism information related to the practice of polyamory; polyamory media resource.

practicalpolyamory.com

kathylabriola.com

Kathy's new zine published by Microcosm Guide to Happy Polydays: How Polyamorous People Can Thrive Between Thanksgiving and New Year's Book Reviews by Kathy Labriola:See Below_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

www.kathylabriola.com

Esp pitfalls.

https://practicalpolyamory.com/images/A._Wagner_-_Avoid_the_Pitfalls_of_Polyamory.pdf

In case they help you... all the sheets from the Opening Up Book for your talking with partner.

Wayback Machine
Creating Authentic Relationships

Wayback Machine
Open Relationship Checklist

Wayback Machine
Reflecting on Change

Wayback Machine
Self Evaluation

Sounds counterintuitive, but talk about how this ends. Maybe it ends with everyone single again. What's that look like?

Because you are responsible for your own emergency preparedness, and if you cannot talk about parting ways peacefully if it has to happen because you encounter the unexpected?

Maybe that's a sign you aren't ready to go experimenting with new relationship models just yet. I find people who CAN talk about it calmly either manage to stay together or manage to part ways WELL rather than making a huge mess.

Any advice for dealing with codependency and insecurities?

Could try polysecure, working with a counselor, hitting up a CODA meeting and getting the CODA book... or other ideas.

I think that both cuckolding and compersion are probably both on a spectrum of their own and I shouldn't be worried about being labeled one or the other by other people.

Yup.

You do you. Don't sweat what other people think.

That said? Some fantasies are best left as fantasies. So think about what you actually want when. Pace yourself. You don't have to be doing EVERYTHING all at the same time.

The understanding of compression is still an interesting one for me. I think the more people that tell me their relationship with the term the better it is for me to understand what I agree with and disagree with.

Compersion is nice, but not required.

It's basically happy your partner enjoys time with their other partner. Some people experience that emotion. Some people don't.

I think it is more realistic and doable to focus on behavior like "I can be civil and basic polite to my meta, just like I am to the bank teller or grocery bagger." Than chase some "compersion feeling ideal."

Is the best way to handle your partner being with another person to go out and find another person of your own?

I think it depends.

The best way to handle your partner being with someone else? Is to be ok sharing their time and attention with someone else. That is inner work.

Sometimes people think "Well, they got another partner. I'll get me one too!"

If it helps them see things from the other side from being a hinge themselves, maybe that helps them do the inner work.

If it's just distraction or displacement activity to avoid doing the inner work? Then instead of single load it might become double load or more load.

• learn to share my partner A's time and attention (stress 1)
• at the same time as learning what partner B is like, and how to be with them (stress 2)
• Deal with my partner's A's reactions to partner B (stress 3)
• Deal with my partner B's reactions to partner A (stress 4)

Group sex? Also not a requirement to polyamory. And that activity piles another stress load on.

• Dealing the whatever emotions (good or bad) a group sex experience may lead to.

What are your communication guidelines and rules with your partner? I don't feel like I like knowing everything that goes on in a relationship with someone else as I have found it makes me profoundly jealous.

All you actually need to know? Is calendar and safer sex practices are being used.

TMI sex details? Well, when you share sex with someone? The TMI details do NOT only belong to you. You can't go blabbing to other people without their consent. Same the other way. If you partner wants to tell you TMI details of their encounter with X?

1) Does X consent for your partner to share that data?
2) Do YOU even consent to LISTEN to that data?

I remember that when we first opened up I had a partner let's say Greta and at the time I was like yeah! let's do this! open relationship! polyamory! woohoo! and then I found out Greta was actually not a very honest and nice person and it dwindled and when Fiona had her own 'experiences' I wanted to close the relationship again. I felt terrible about doing that but I couldn't help but feel that we weren't laying any foundation.

Could discuss that. Because when you each date separately? It's going to unfold how it does with other people. Some might be great. Some might be Gretas. Not everyone you date is destined to be a long haul runner. And you and Fiona have to accept that it's not a race, competition or the like new partners have to "be even" or something.

What is "even" is that both can date other people. How it actually unfolds? Well, those dynamics are unique to the persons dating each other.

So take some time to reflect on what open model it is you want here.

• Polyamory?
• Casual sex?
• A combo of things?
• Something else?

And what you do NOT want.

Do some reading, some thinking, and talk things out with Fiona. It's ok to view it like a "series of openings." It's a lot easier to jump a mile 3 ft at a time, with some breaks and rest. Than to try jumping a mile in just one giant leap.

YKWIM?

Galagirl